High school=awkward
June 29, 2006 4:29 PM Subscribe
I'm going into 12th grade and I've only gone out with one girl ever, my current girlfriend of 1 1/2 years. Has anyone else had a similar situation and regretted it? Should I date other girls?
I don't want to cheat but my gf is really clingy and wants to go out forever, but I really, really don't. How can I break up with her without it being awkward in all our classes together? Also, we have only 70 kids in our grade, about 15 per class, so it would be impossible to avoid her
I don't want to cheat but my gf is really clingy and wants to go out forever, but I really, really don't. How can I break up with her without it being awkward in all our classes together? Also, we have only 70 kids in our grade, about 15 per class, so it would be impossible to avoid her
If you aren't happy, and can't see it working -- as in seinfeld -- rip it right off. It may be uncomfortable, and she may hate you -- but you owe it to her and to yourself to be truthful about the situation.
posted by gadha at 4:39 PM on June 29, 2006
posted by gadha at 4:39 PM on June 29, 2006
Response by poster: But I DO still like her. And I can't wait for college, I'm already insecure for waiting until I was 16 to even hold a girls hand!
Also, is there like a teenage version of ask mefi? Or how might I go about making one? Who created this one?
posted by joshuak at 4:42 PM on June 29, 2006
Also, is there like a teenage version of ask mefi? Or how might I go about making one? Who created this one?
posted by joshuak at 4:42 PM on June 29, 2006
don't cheat.
Someone will ask you later in life if you've ever cheated and they may judge you harshly.
be honest.
Tell her you care for her as a friend, but you feel too young to be in a long-term relationship. Don't avoid her, be calm and be caring and tell her your honest feelings, but try to show some respect for hers. She will be hurt and possibly mad.. this is all part of growing up.
posted by j at 4:45 PM on June 29, 2006 [1 favorite]
Someone will ask you later in life if you've ever cheated and they may judge you harshly.
be honest.
Tell her you care for her as a friend, but you feel too young to be in a long-term relationship. Don't avoid her, be calm and be caring and tell her your honest feelings, but try to show some respect for hers. She will be hurt and possibly mad.. this is all part of growing up.
posted by j at 4:45 PM on June 29, 2006 [1 favorite]
There's probably other kids in your class that have broken up and still survived seeing their former squeeze in class every day. Yeah, it's hurty and not fun, but it's also not the end of the world. Talk to some of your friends your age and see if they can offer any perspective from their own experience.
Breaking up doesn't really get any easier as you get older, but with experience you start to see what some of the patterns are, and also you eventually learn that you'll survive to dump/be dumped again.
posted by matildaben at 4:52 PM on June 29, 2006
Breaking up doesn't really get any easier as you get older, but with experience you start to see what some of the patterns are, and also you eventually learn that you'll survive to dump/be dumped again.
posted by matildaben at 4:52 PM on June 29, 2006
Do you want to continue to date her? If no, break up. If yes, don't cheat and stay with her.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:56 PM on June 29, 2006
posted by Ironmouth at 4:56 PM on June 29, 2006
Plus, if you do still like her, but are feeling pressured by the prospect of "together forever," you don't have to break up just yet. High School graduation is a natural breaking point, as you'll both likely be going off in different directions at that point. You needn't worry that being with her now means you are locking into something for good. On the other hand, if you've already got it in your mind that you want to break up, it behooves neither of you to stay together. Just break it off (I know it's hard, but it can be done), but don't make it about seeing other people. I promise it won't be too awkward (eventually) seeing her in class and around the halls -- people have been breaking up for a long time, and have survived.
posted by TonyRobots at 5:01 PM on June 29, 2006
posted by TonyRobots at 5:01 PM on June 29, 2006
It's easy to get bogged down in suggestions. Try to make it as simple as possible. If you still like her, and you're still happy, don't break up. If you're not happy anymore, or you still don't like her, break up.
posted by danb at 5:05 PM on June 29, 2006
posted by danb at 5:05 PM on June 29, 2006
When girls are your age (and for a while after), they are a bit more vocal about "being together forever" than perhaps they should. (I'm all for honesty, but...) She says that she wants to be together forever and she probably believes that she does, but don't get too scared by it, okay? She's not going to ACT on it, most likely!
The fact is, the overwhelming majority of people end up breaking up when college comes around and then date other people.
If you want to be in a relationship with her (not sure from original post), stay in it. If you don't, break up in the friendliest way possible. Cheating is a pain that is so so so so bad. Try not to do it. Rather, if you really like someone else, tell her that you want to break it off because you're not into the relationship but that you still care for her as a person. Then try to wait a while before seeing other people. You don't have to avoid someone after a breakup -- it is much healthier to remain friends, but this IS difficult at any age.
Maybe the fact that you're asking at all is a sign that you're not interested anymore?
I went to a small high school too -- 120 kids per class, we all knew each other since high school. We knew each other too well to date, so we all dated people in the high schools 10-20 miles away that we met at work, (through the internet now?). Maybe you're in too rural of a place to do that though.
posted by k8t at 5:06 PM on June 29, 2006
The fact is, the overwhelming majority of people end up breaking up when college comes around and then date other people.
If you want to be in a relationship with her (not sure from original post), stay in it. If you don't, break up in the friendliest way possible. Cheating is a pain that is so so so so bad. Try not to do it. Rather, if you really like someone else, tell her that you want to break it off because you're not into the relationship but that you still care for her as a person. Then try to wait a while before seeing other people. You don't have to avoid someone after a breakup -- it is much healthier to remain friends, but this IS difficult at any age.
Maybe the fact that you're asking at all is a sign that you're not interested anymore?
I went to a small high school too -- 120 kids per class, we all knew each other since high school. We knew each other too well to date, so we all dated people in the high schools 10-20 miles away that we met at work, (through the internet now?). Maybe you're in too rural of a place to do that though.
posted by k8t at 5:06 PM on June 29, 2006
If you do decide to break up, don't go out with her sister or best friend. That would be worse than if she saw you with another random girl in the cafeteria.
[Also, she might be thinking the same thing you are.]
posted by birdherder at 5:11 PM on June 29, 2006
[Also, she might be thinking the same thing you are.]
posted by birdherder at 5:11 PM on June 29, 2006
I don't know anyone who regretted not going out with enough girls when they were younger (with the possible exception of the guy who knocked up and then married the girl he met the first weekend of college).
If you aren't happy with your relationship, it may be worth slowing things down a bit, or even ending it, but don't do it just to be able to say you had more than one girlfriend. High school relationships pale in comparison to college (and later) relationships, and while you should revel in the awkwardness and emotional highs and lows, you should realize that this relationship is almost certainly just practice for your later, real relationships. As was mentioned above, going off to college has a way of ending most relationships.
Enjoy the good parts, don't do anything you'll regret (e.g., being a jerk, cheating), as it will merely serve as the basis for pangs of regret and embarassment in later life.
posted by i love cheese at 5:11 PM on June 29, 2006
If you aren't happy with your relationship, it may be worth slowing things down a bit, or even ending it, but don't do it just to be able to say you had more than one girlfriend. High school relationships pale in comparison to college (and later) relationships, and while you should revel in the awkwardness and emotional highs and lows, you should realize that this relationship is almost certainly just practice for your later, real relationships. As was mentioned above, going off to college has a way of ending most relationships.
Enjoy the good parts, don't do anything you'll regret (e.g., being a jerk, cheating), as it will merely serve as the basis for pangs of regret and embarassment in later life.
posted by i love cheese at 5:11 PM on June 29, 2006
K8T'S GUIDE TO BREAKING UP/RESOLVING RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS:
FIRST figure out what the problem(s) are.
Tell significant other: "I want us to be honest about issues between us... These are problems that I am having in our relationship: you're clingy in public and that makes me uncomfortable, A, B, and C (and make sure that you address both of your involvement in the creation/existance of the problem)", be as honest as possible, but choose your words cautiously... I'd recommend rehersing them before you speak with him/her.
Then ask him/her "What are the problems that you see?" AND LISTEN.
Then, TOGETHER, determine the best path for resolving the problems.
This conversation doesn't happen in 10 minutes -- it can take days and weeks.
But then once you determine what to do about the problems, set a realistic timeframe for solving them... "before the end of the summer" and both agree to commit to focus on the problems.
See how it goes. If s/he or you screw up on paying attention to the problems, call the other one out on it in a polite way.
When the time is up, assess where you're at with "fixing" the problems. If you feel like you made progress, keep on with the relationship. If you haven't made any progress, then you have a good reason to break up and both of you, as reasonable human beings should see this.
Think about it this way -- if you screw up at work, your boss shouldn't fire you, rather s/he should discuss what is going on and ways to fix the problem. If you still screw up a few months later, the boss gave you a warning, tried to help you resolve the issue and you didn't. It is fair to fire you then.
posted by k8t at 5:12 PM on June 29, 2006 [8 favorites]
FIRST figure out what the problem(s) are.
Tell significant other: "I want us to be honest about issues between us... These are problems that I am having in our relationship: you're clingy in public and that makes me uncomfortable, A, B, and C (and make sure that you address both of your involvement in the creation/existance of the problem)", be as honest as possible, but choose your words cautiously... I'd recommend rehersing them before you speak with him/her.
Then ask him/her "What are the problems that you see?" AND LISTEN.
Then, TOGETHER, determine the best path for resolving the problems.
This conversation doesn't happen in 10 minutes -- it can take days and weeks.
But then once you determine what to do about the problems, set a realistic timeframe for solving them... "before the end of the summer" and both agree to commit to focus on the problems.
See how it goes. If s/he or you screw up on paying attention to the problems, call the other one out on it in a polite way.
When the time is up, assess where you're at with "fixing" the problems. If you feel like you made progress, keep on with the relationship. If you haven't made any progress, then you have a good reason to break up and both of you, as reasonable human beings should see this.
Think about it this way -- if you screw up at work, your boss shouldn't fire you, rather s/he should discuss what is going on and ways to fix the problem. If you still screw up a few months later, the boss gave you a warning, tried to help you resolve the issue and you didn't. It is fair to fire you then.
posted by k8t at 5:12 PM on June 29, 2006 [8 favorites]
There is no law that says you need to date multiple people in high school or really ever.
If you are happy and she is happy, stay together. In my opinion, breaking up with somebody you really, really like because there might be other people that you would also like is silly.
posted by Joey Michaels at 5:12 PM on June 29, 2006
If you are happy and she is happy, stay together. In my opinion, breaking up with somebody you really, really like because there might be other people that you would also like is silly.
posted by Joey Michaels at 5:12 PM on June 29, 2006
Let her down easy, but do break up with her. The longer you wait, the harder it will be on HER. Tell her that you care for her, and you always will, but you need time on your own. There is no easy way to do this.........age has nothing to do with it. This will not be the last time that you will have to do it. The great thing is, you care enough about her feelings to write this post. That says a lot about your character. Good luck...do it soon ...
posted by peglam at 5:14 PM on June 29, 2006
posted by peglam at 5:14 PM on June 29, 2006
Dude. How are you so good at asking questions that make people want to punch you in the face?
But to actually answer you:
No, it's not okay to cheat, even if she's clingy. And you're eighteen, man. You will never later in life regret having a girlfriend at eighteen, because you can always get a new one at 19, 20, 21, and 22. It's called college, which is the normal reason people in high school break up anyway.
Having said that, the fact that you're thinking about cheating means its already time to move on, until you find someone interesting enough that you don't feel the need to ask this question again.
posted by kingjoeshmoe at 5:24 PM on June 29, 2006
But to actually answer you:
No, it's not okay to cheat, even if she's clingy. And you're eighteen, man. You will never later in life regret having a girlfriend at eighteen, because you can always get a new one at 19, 20, 21, and 22. It's called college, which is the normal reason people in high school break up anyway.
Having said that, the fact that you're thinking about cheating means its already time to move on, until you find someone interesting enough that you don't feel the need to ask this question again.
posted by kingjoeshmoe at 5:24 PM on June 29, 2006
I got to the end of year 12 and started university in a similar situation to you. I was dating my first boyfirend for almost a year but i got to university and things just changed. If you genuinely think that it is not going anywhere then speak to her about it. The longer you leave it, the harder it will get.
posted by cholly at 5:44 PM on June 29, 2006
posted by cholly at 5:44 PM on June 29, 2006
One thing to note is that it's just barely summer... now might actually be a good time to break up, if that's your final decision, because it gives her a chance to recover her equilibrium before the school year begins again, and maybe even to have a summer fling, and have the vibe be okay for your last year in high school together.
But yeah, like the others said: don't cheat on her. Unless you can do a one-off thing in another town that she will never find out about.
posted by xo at 6:06 PM on June 29, 2006
But yeah, like the others said: don't cheat on her. Unless you can do a one-off thing in another town that she will never find out about.
posted by xo at 6:06 PM on June 29, 2006
Cheating is a fundamental weakness. It says, "I'm not man (or woman) enough to be who I really am, say what I really think, and live with the consequences." If you feel like breaking up, stand up and do it. You will both survive. All her friends will go Nazi on you but that will pass too.
But don't do it because you feel like you should be conforming to some standard of how-many-people-I-should-have-dated-by-this-age. That's baloney; it doesn't exist. Different people have different experiences and it doesn't matter. I promise you. I agree with others who say that if you're even asking the question, that may be a clue. But don't do it for any reason other than you are losing interest in her and gaining interest in the field. That's an OK reason.
And it doesn't seem like it now, but life is long. You're nearing a phase of life that's going to make you forget about most of high school, or at least really torque down its importance quite a bit. I'd try to avoid going to the same college as her, but even if you do, expect that it won't last. Once mostly on your own, you'll both change and grow, likely in different directions, or at least ones that take you away from each other. It almost never works out from HS to college. You'll get over it if you're at the same college, but it'll be cleaner if not. No baggage. You can really become who you are (or just go nuts for a while) without reminders of the high school you.
Good luck, buddy!
posted by kookoobirdz at 6:39 PM on June 29, 2006
But don't do it because you feel like you should be conforming to some standard of how-many-people-I-should-have-dated-by-this-age. That's baloney; it doesn't exist. Different people have different experiences and it doesn't matter. I promise you. I agree with others who say that if you're even asking the question, that may be a clue. But don't do it for any reason other than you are losing interest in her and gaining interest in the field. That's an OK reason.
And it doesn't seem like it now, but life is long. You're nearing a phase of life that's going to make you forget about most of high school, or at least really torque down its importance quite a bit. I'd try to avoid going to the same college as her, but even if you do, expect that it won't last. Once mostly on your own, you'll both change and grow, likely in different directions, or at least ones that take you away from each other. It almost never works out from HS to college. You'll get over it if you're at the same college, but it'll be cleaner if not. No baggage. You can really become who you are (or just go nuts for a while) without reminders of the high school you.
Good luck, buddy!
posted by kookoobirdz at 6:39 PM on June 29, 2006
There are many good reasons to break up with someone, but "so that I can date a GF to be named later" isn't one of them. If you genuinely think that you'll be happier without her than with her, then it's time to cut it off. But if you decide that you still would rather have her in your life than not, then don't. It's really that simple.
And it's not the end of the world if you haven't had more than one girlfriend in high school. I had none, and other than needing to have a few awkward conversations with my first girlfriend in college, it didn't matter one bit.
posted by Johnny Assay at 6:40 PM on June 29, 2006
And it's not the end of the world if you haven't had more than one girlfriend in high school. I had none, and other than needing to have a few awkward conversations with my first girlfriend in college, it didn't matter one bit.
posted by Johnny Assay at 6:40 PM on June 29, 2006
Hey,
I'm the same age as you. I had a girlfriend for eight months from the spring of my sophomore year to right before I went to school junior year (went because I go to a boarding school). I broke things up because I wanted to meet new people and she too was a little clingy.
Be careful about getting 'too comfortable.' It's your senior year too. I want to meet as many and as varied people as possible, it's one last shot to make some new friends in our particular situations.
That said, if you do break up with her it will be bad. It will be awkward. But don't cheat, everyone else is right there. Don't be a jerk, it'll come back to bite you; more so if you both are in the same group of friends.
Davis, 17
ps email me if you want any more help
posted by daviss at 6:45 PM on June 29, 2006
I'm the same age as you. I had a girlfriend for eight months from the spring of my sophomore year to right before I went to school junior year (went because I go to a boarding school). I broke things up because I wanted to meet new people and she too was a little clingy.
Be careful about getting 'too comfortable.' It's your senior year too. I want to meet as many and as varied people as possible, it's one last shot to make some new friends in our particular situations.
That said, if you do break up with her it will be bad. It will be awkward. But don't cheat, everyone else is right there. Don't be a jerk, it'll come back to bite you; more so if you both are in the same group of friends.
Davis, 17
ps email me if you want any more help
posted by daviss at 6:45 PM on June 29, 2006
Danb, you always gotta give it a fair shot, right?
Right. I tried explaining that to her, but she wouldn't have any of it (even though she admitted that we might have been able to work things out, if she tried).
In any case, I don't want to derail. joshuak, be honest. Tell her what you're thinking, and what you want to happen, and as everyone said, don't lie or cheat. If you do that, there's nothing she can really be mad about.
posted by danb at 6:59 PM on June 29, 2006
Right. I tried explaining that to her, but she wouldn't have any of it (even though she admitted that we might have been able to work things out, if she tried).
In any case, I don't want to derail. joshuak, be honest. Tell her what you're thinking, and what you want to happen, and as everyone said, don't lie or cheat. If you do that, there's nothing she can really be mad about.
posted by danb at 6:59 PM on June 29, 2006
I didn't date someone until I was 21. So, no, it's not abnormal to be with
Give it until college if you can stand it. College changes a lot of things. Or, just don't make any promises you're not planning on keeping, and things will break up on their own. I promise.
posted by SpecialK at 8:29 PM on June 29, 2006
Give it until college if you can stand it. College changes a lot of things. Or, just don't make any promises you're not planning on keeping, and things will break up on their own. I promise.
posted by SpecialK at 8:29 PM on June 29, 2006
(I love that MeFi is attracting sincere, intelligent young people, makes me love this place all the more.)
Exact same situation in high school here, a *few* years ago. College changes everything. Breaking up with a very serious 1st girlfriend can be incredibly painful and feels like the end of the world. By the time it was all over though, it was so right that it ended and now I really cannot believe that we ever went out. In high school, your choice of a girlfriend is really limited and despite how nice it feels to be cared for, it's really unlikely that two people who are truly compatible are going to find each other and be ready to be with just one person forever.
Just don't screw anything up before you get out of high school. This means do NOT cheat. You'll probably get caught, it will mess you up mentally for future relationships and it might REALLY mess up your girlfriend now. Breaking up with your girlfriend HAS to be about the two of you. Wanting to go out with other girls says a lot about you and what the relationship means to you.
I can't really comment about the larger social issues at your school. I don't think it's necessarily crazy to feel like you have to stay together because life in high school would be hell having to deal with an ex every day. But if you handle the break up really well, it might not be so bad. I dated someone for 2 years, we had a nasty, ugly breakup but now she lives down the street from me, we are best friends and she gets along great with my wife.
Hope this helps. Just my own personal experience, but I'd like to think I've done pretty well with the ladies.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:50 PM on June 29, 2006
Exact same situation in high school here, a *few* years ago. College changes everything. Breaking up with a very serious 1st girlfriend can be incredibly painful and feels like the end of the world. By the time it was all over though, it was so right that it ended and now I really cannot believe that we ever went out. In high school, your choice of a girlfriend is really limited and despite how nice it feels to be cared for, it's really unlikely that two people who are truly compatible are going to find each other and be ready to be with just one person forever.
Just don't screw anything up before you get out of high school. This means do NOT cheat. You'll probably get caught, it will mess you up mentally for future relationships and it might REALLY mess up your girlfriend now. Breaking up with your girlfriend HAS to be about the two of you. Wanting to go out with other girls says a lot about you and what the relationship means to you.
I can't really comment about the larger social issues at your school. I don't think it's necessarily crazy to feel like you have to stay together because life in high school would be hell having to deal with an ex every day. But if you handle the break up really well, it might not be so bad. I dated someone for 2 years, we had a nasty, ugly breakup but now she lives down the street from me, we are best friends and she gets along great with my wife.
Hope this helps. Just my own personal experience, but I'd like to think I've done pretty well with the ladies.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:50 PM on June 29, 2006
I think it's pretty normal to have only dated one person when you get out of high school.
When I got to college, I met people who had never been on a date; who had made out with people but never had a relationship; who had dated only one person and were still dating that person; who had started dating in late elementary school and had a string of girl/boyfriends; who had had sex with dozens of people; who were virgins. What pretty much all of them had in common? They were afraid for being judged for experiences that were outside what they thought the "norm" was. There is no norm.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 10:11 PM on June 29, 2006
When I got to college, I met people who had never been on a date; who had made out with people but never had a relationship; who had dated only one person and were still dating that person; who had started dating in late elementary school and had a string of girl/boyfriends; who had had sex with dozens of people; who were virgins. What pretty much all of them had in common? They were afraid for being judged for experiences that were outside what they thought the "norm" was. There is no norm.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 10:11 PM on June 29, 2006
I dated the same girl ALL through high school. I broke up with her when I graduated (she was a year behind me in school), and boy, she hated my guts. I went off to a foreign country for a year where I dated hairy-legged European girls, and she dated other guys.
Then I came back for college fairly close to home. Former GF and I were soon in each other's awkward company with shared friends, then six months later we were dating again. Now, we've been married for 21+ years.
Moral of the story: if it's meant to be long-term, breaking up for now (probably) won't stop that. In fact, it might (eventually) even make the long-term prospects clearer. Good luck.
posted by tippiedog at 10:11 PM on June 29, 2006
Then I came back for college fairly close to home. Former GF and I were soon in each other's awkward company with shared friends, then six months later we were dating again. Now, we've been married for 21+ years.
Moral of the story: if it's meant to be long-term, breaking up for now (probably) won't stop that. In fact, it might (eventually) even make the long-term prospects clearer. Good luck.
posted by tippiedog at 10:11 PM on June 29, 2006
I agree with not doing it just because you feel like you want more experience. I have been with my high-school sweetheart for seven years now (I'm nearly 24). She is the first woman I ever dated (and the first person I ever dated seriously) and I am the first and only person she has ever dated. We have talked about the fact that we have never experienced dating or having sex with other people, one-night stands, crazy parties where you hump a stranger, and all that stuff, but it's been completely worth it. For one thing, we have been able to learn everything together, and having someone sympathetic and with a similar level of experience to learn with is invaluable. We got our first credit cards together, made our first big purchases together, traveled together. We've even done other, more risque experiments together.
What I mean by this long-winded explanation is what many others have said: Don't break up because you think you haven't dated enough people or had enough experiences. And don't cheat on her. It is the most disrespectful thing you could ever do to her. If you don't want to be with her because your relationship is unhappy, then that's different.
I have never regretted not dating enough people, however I have friends who have regretted letting someone great go so that they could try a new flavour, or dating way more people then they are comfortable admitting.
posted by arcticwoman at 10:58 PM on June 29, 2006
What I mean by this long-winded explanation is what many others have said: Don't break up because you think you haven't dated enough people or had enough experiences. And don't cheat on her. It is the most disrespectful thing you could ever do to her. If you don't want to be with her because your relationship is unhappy, then that's different.
I have never regretted not dating enough people, however I have friends who have regretted letting someone great go so that they could try a new flavour, or dating way more people then they are comfortable admitting.
posted by arcticwoman at 10:58 PM on June 29, 2006
Response by poster: Why can't anything ever be easy?
We're both going to be on the east coast at college programs for a month (live in LA). I'm leaving tomorow and she's been gone for a week. She's calling me every day, telling me that she hasn't made any friends yet and neither of us have any friends here at home. I definitely CAN NOT break up with her at the moment but I really want to go out with girls in Boston. Hm. Breaking up from a couple thousand miles away over the phone is bad right?
But I'll see her once during the program, could i do it then?
ONE MORE YEAR OF THIS CRAP!!!!!!!
posted by joshuak at 11:11 PM on June 29, 2006
We're both going to be on the east coast at college programs for a month (live in LA). I'm leaving tomorow and she's been gone for a week. She's calling me every day, telling me that she hasn't made any friends yet and neither of us have any friends here at home. I definitely CAN NOT break up with her at the moment but I really want to go out with girls in Boston. Hm. Breaking up from a couple thousand miles away over the phone is bad right?
But I'll see her once during the program, could i do it then?
ONE MORE YEAR OF THIS CRAP!!!!!!!
posted by joshuak at 11:11 PM on June 29, 2006
Yeah, breaking up over the phone is bad.
And breaking up with her, while she's far from home, without any support from friends or family? That's cruel. Really.
You have to wait a month to break up with her? Suck it up, princess.
posted by meringue at 11:29 PM on June 29, 2006
And breaking up with her, while she's far from home, without any support from friends or family? That's cruel. Really.
You have to wait a month to break up with her? Suck it up, princess.
posted by meringue at 11:29 PM on June 29, 2006
From what you've said about her feelings, this will hurt her a lot. More than you can know, never having gone through it yourself yet. I know it'll be awkward for you, but don't do it until the program is over and she's back with whatever support network she has.
Don't put her through hell in a strange city just because you want to have fun in Boston. You'll have plenty of other chances to date women in your life.
posted by D.C. at 1:46 AM on June 30, 2006
Don't put her through hell in a strange city just because you want to have fun in Boston. You'll have plenty of other chances to date women in your life.
posted by D.C. at 1:46 AM on June 30, 2006
I know that I am not in the norm with this but: I would RATHER someone broke up with me over the phone. When I was 20, my b/f broke up with me over the phone, and to this day, I am glad that he did not do it in person. Why? Your vulnerabilities are not there for him or her to see. I mean, in person, its all there. You can just hang up the phone and cry. I never understood why people always said it was bad to do it over the phone. Truly, I never did. Still don't. I mean, its a break up. I am sure most of you will disagree!
posted by peglam at 3:47 AM on June 30, 2006
posted by peglam at 3:47 AM on June 30, 2006
Is there still time to break it off before you leave for Boston?
If you want to date girls while you're in Boston, the kindest thing to do is break up with her NOW, so you aren't
a. cheating on her
b. staying in the relationship out of pity for her*
If it's too late and you're reading this in the airport, break up with her IN Boston. Meet up with her asap for lunch, and do the deed. Read all the breaking-up AskMe threads for tips and advice. Be firm, truthful, and clear about this being a break-up.
It seems clear that you are no longer interested in a romantic relationship with this person. The longer you wait, the longer the relationship gets that has to be broken.
*I am truly surprised by how many people advocate this. Stick it out? When you're 18?!? Let him have his adventures!
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 4:57 AM on June 30, 2006
If you want to date girls while you're in Boston, the kindest thing to do is break up with her NOW, so you aren't
a. cheating on her
b. staying in the relationship out of pity for her*
If it's too late and you're reading this in the airport, break up with her IN Boston. Meet up with her asap for lunch, and do the deed. Read all the breaking-up AskMe threads for tips and advice. Be firm, truthful, and clear about this being a break-up.
It seems clear that you are no longer interested in a romantic relationship with this person. The longer you wait, the longer the relationship gets that has to be broken.
*I am truly surprised by how many people advocate this. Stick it out? When you're 18?!? Let him have his adventures!
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 4:57 AM on June 30, 2006
P.S. Let HER have her adventures!
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 4:59 AM on June 30, 2006
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 4:59 AM on June 30, 2006
As someone in a similar situation (albeit with polar opposite feelings on the matter), is it actually possible to find someone in highschool that you can spend the rest of your life with or am I truly deluded?
From what I've read in this thread, such an idea is lunacy!
posted by PuGZ at 5:22 AM on June 30, 2006
From what I've read in this thread, such an idea is lunacy!
posted by PuGZ at 5:22 AM on June 30, 2006
PuGZ: Of course it's possible; I'm marrying the man I met in high school. However don't think that you have to do this, or that you are abnormal for not doing this. The world's a big place - there are plenty of people who you'll come to like and love. University/College is a huge chance to meet people who may become lifelong friends, and possibly more.
posted by Meagan at 5:44 AM on June 30, 2006
posted by Meagan at 5:44 AM on June 30, 2006
I definitely CAN NOT break up with her at the moment but I really want to go out with girls in Boston.
The consensus from pretty much everyone here is that you have only two decent options:
1. Wait it out, or
2. Break it off now.
Don't like those options? Well, too bad. The only other option is to cheat. Are you waiting for one of us to tell you that it's okay, not a big deal, go ahead and hook up with some girls in Boston (how do you even know there are going to be girls in Boston who want to date you?), it's just high school, don't worry about your girlfriend's feelings?
No matter how much you beg and plead with AskMe to give you an easy out, there just isn't one here. You're clearly not happy with the idea of staying with her (your reasons are kinda crummy in my opinion, but they're your reasons, and it's your life); you don't want to deal with the fallout of her pain if you break up with her (again, too bad, because that's pretty much how it works); if you lie to her and fool around behind her back, you're a jerk AND you run the risk of (a) being tormented by guilt and (b) hurting your girlfriend even worse when she finds out, which she will, because it's high school and word gets out about these things.
Look, just keep it in your pants until you're both home again, and break it off gently. Don't wreck the college trip for her, and like someone else said, it'd be better to do it when she's got friends or at least family around her to cry on. It's only a month. You'll not only survive, you might actually be able to better concentrate on your college goals while you're there, and hey, it's not like you'll never travel again, right?
Stop thinking that you're wasting your youth. You're not. You've got plenty of it left. Don't hurt someone you care about just because you feel like you can't wait to get some more experience.
posted by Gator at 6:08 AM on June 30, 2006
The consensus from pretty much everyone here is that you have only two decent options:
1. Wait it out, or
2. Break it off now.
Don't like those options? Well, too bad. The only other option is to cheat. Are you waiting for one of us to tell you that it's okay, not a big deal, go ahead and hook up with some girls in Boston (how do you even know there are going to be girls in Boston who want to date you?), it's just high school, don't worry about your girlfriend's feelings?
No matter how much you beg and plead with AskMe to give you an easy out, there just isn't one here. You're clearly not happy with the idea of staying with her (your reasons are kinda crummy in my opinion, but they're your reasons, and it's your life); you don't want to deal with the fallout of her pain if you break up with her (again, too bad, because that's pretty much how it works); if you lie to her and fool around behind her back, you're a jerk AND you run the risk of (a) being tormented by guilt and (b) hurting your girlfriend even worse when she finds out, which she will, because it's high school and word gets out about these things.
Look, just keep it in your pants until you're both home again, and break it off gently. Don't wreck the college trip for her, and like someone else said, it'd be better to do it when she's got friends or at least family around her to cry on. It's only a month. You'll not only survive, you might actually be able to better concentrate on your college goals while you're there, and hey, it's not like you'll never travel again, right?
Stop thinking that you're wasting your youth. You're not. You've got plenty of it left. Don't hurt someone you care about just because you feel like you can't wait to get some more experience.
posted by Gator at 6:08 AM on June 30, 2006
Jesus Christ, you seem pathologically unable to take good advice and shut up before you come across as terminally selfish and immature.
Look, if you still like her, tell her not to be so damn clingy. While I vaguely thought about advising the anal ultimatum, you seem dumb enough to go through with it and make the girl's life hell.
Then you'll have to decide whether she's still too clingy or has changed somewhat. But she's scared right now and lonely, so she's looking for support. And frankly, since you come across as such a dick in your questions, I'm not sure that it wouldn't be better for her to dump her.
Either way, you don't have to worry about not dating enough people in high school, because high school doesn't count for anything once you're out in the real world. You coulda been the biggest miggity-miggity-mack in high school, and then you're just another freshman who thinks he's hot shit. And don't cheat on her, because that's the sort of bullshit that adults don't put up with in relationships.
posted by klangklangston at 7:06 AM on June 30, 2006
Look, if you still like her, tell her not to be so damn clingy. While I vaguely thought about advising the anal ultimatum, you seem dumb enough to go through with it and make the girl's life hell.
Then you'll have to decide whether she's still too clingy or has changed somewhat. But she's scared right now and lonely, so she's looking for support. And frankly, since you come across as such a dick in your questions, I'm not sure that it wouldn't be better for her to dump her.
Either way, you don't have to worry about not dating enough people in high school, because high school doesn't count for anything once you're out in the real world. You coulda been the biggest miggity-miggity-mack in high school, and then you're just another freshman who thinks he's hot shit. And don't cheat on her, because that's the sort of bullshit that adults don't put up with in relationships.
posted by klangklangston at 7:06 AM on June 30, 2006
Don't use the anal ultimatum--you'll just wind up getting fucked in the end.
posted by box at 7:53 AM on June 30, 2006
posted by box at 7:53 AM on June 30, 2006
Jesus, dude. She's alone, scared, insecure, away from her support network. Has she ever been this far away from home for this long before? Right now you're her support, a sympathetic ear and a lifeline. Because you're her boyfriend, dammit, and you're supposed to care enough about her to want to be those things for her. No, this doesn't mean she's justified in calling you all the time, every day, but have some consideration for how she's feeling, y'know? She's young, like you. She's just as confused as you are.
You wanna handle this situation like a man or a boy? A boy runs off and does whatever he wants, cheats on her, fucks with her, gets laid and thinks he's not wasting his youth or crap like that. A man assesses the situation, takes his and his partner's feelings into account, and goes from there. He's honest and true to his partner and his feelings. This means you should break up with her (because face it, you shouldn't be in a relationship if all you want to do is fool around with other ladies), but it also means you gotta man up and stick it out for a month until she's got some support (or at least until she's found friends in her program to help her out).
Whatever you do, you need to break up with her in person. Have enough respect to do that. Yeah, it's harder to do, but guess what? If you're a man, that's how you do it.
Goddamn, can we get Feisty Ferret in here? I think it is both awesome and sad that he, a13-year-old, would have a more mature outlook to this solution than this dude.
posted by Anonymous at 7:54 AM on June 30, 2006
You wanna handle this situation like a man or a boy? A boy runs off and does whatever he wants, cheats on her, fucks with her, gets laid and thinks he's not wasting his youth or crap like that. A man assesses the situation, takes his and his partner's feelings into account, and goes from there. He's honest and true to his partner and his feelings. This means you should break up with her (because face it, you shouldn't be in a relationship if all you want to do is fool around with other ladies), but it also means you gotta man up and stick it out for a month until she's got some support (or at least until she's found friends in her program to help her out).
Whatever you do, you need to break up with her in person. Have enough respect to do that. Yeah, it's harder to do, but guess what? If you're a man, that's how you do it.
Goddamn, can we get Feisty Ferret in here? I think it is both awesome and sad that he, a13-year-old, would have a more mature outlook to this solution than this dude.
posted by Anonymous at 7:54 AM on June 30, 2006
To answer your front page question, I didn't date at all in high school. My best friend, however, married her high school sweetheart (neither of them ever dated anyone else) and I honestly have never seen another marriage that works so well. I know they didn't regret it, just like I didn't regret not dating in high school.
How did you two meet if you have no friends at home? What do you do for dates? Is she exaggerating the situation or is it true that you two are each other's sole friends?
I think if you want a teenage AskMetafilter, you're going to sacrifice quality answers for age-sensitive perspective. Part of the reason these answers you've received should be so valuable to you is that they're coming from people who are older than you and who have been where you are.
posted by MeetMegan at 8:51 AM on June 30, 2006
How did you two meet if you have no friends at home? What do you do for dates? Is she exaggerating the situation or is it true that you two are each other's sole friends?
I think if you want a teenage AskMetafilter, you're going to sacrifice quality answers for age-sensitive perspective. Part of the reason these answers you've received should be so valuable to you is that they're coming from people who are older than you and who have been where you are.
posted by MeetMegan at 8:51 AM on June 30, 2006
Break up with her. She deserves better than you.
posted by piratebowling at 9:04 AM on June 30, 2006
posted by piratebowling at 9:04 AM on June 30, 2006
I broke up with my HS gf in an awful, unforgivably cowardly way, sophomore year of college. I had put it off for a long time. I don't think it did her a whole lot of good-- it wound up really crapping up her sophomore year.
I still talk to her sometimes. I'm in a similar situation right now-- in a long term relationship that might ought to end. My HS gf said, "you need to trust in the fact that people will get over it. it's not, in the sceme of things, a very big deal. it just feels like one at the time. "don't be so humble, you're not that great." "
That said, give some consideration to the idea that right this instant might not be the best time for it.
It's not always clear what the right thing to do in a moment is. Maybe you should give more weight to the more decisive people in this thread.
Also, give some consideration to the fact that you seem to have a knack for rubbing some people around here the wrong way. It might be 35% your fault and 65% the Overpowering Snark's fault, or not, but maybe you can communicate in a calmer or different way that keeps people off your back.
posted by ibmcginty at 12:07 PM on June 30, 2006
I still talk to her sometimes. I'm in a similar situation right now-- in a long term relationship that might ought to end. My HS gf said, "you need to trust in the fact that people will get over it. it's not, in the sceme of things, a very big deal. it just feels like one at the time. "don't be so humble, you're not that great." "
That said, give some consideration to the idea that right this instant might not be the best time for it.
It's not always clear what the right thing to do in a moment is. Maybe you should give more weight to the more decisive people in this thread.
Also, give some consideration to the fact that you seem to have a knack for rubbing some people around here the wrong way. It might be 35% your fault and 65% the Overpowering Snark's fault, or not, but maybe you can communicate in a calmer or different way that keeps people off your back.
posted by ibmcginty at 12:07 PM on June 30, 2006
Kids these days. No wonder they're so fucked up, though - people don't understand how to talk to them.
Sure, the kid is asking about a particular situation. But it's one he's never faced before. So it's bigger than just the situation at hand. This kid is building his identity here, the proper work for adolescents: asking a question, "How am I going to behave? Who am I going to be: a cad or a gentleman? If I am a cad, what sort of popular opprobrium am I going to face - because I honestly don't know, I'm 17 and no one ever sat me down and explained it to me. If I behave as a gentleman, how am I going to live without sex, with regrets, with missed opportunities?"
This thread is full of insights for such a kid. One of them is that the world, and this thread, is full of vulgar, judgmental jerks who love to pile on and bully whom they perceive as moral inferiors. Another is that there are people willing to chat with them, help them think and work through these kinds of problems for themselves.
And in the end, this is just a lot of words on a green page; the real work, that of living with integrity, is for the asker to do on his own.
posted by ikkyu2 at 10:18 PM on June 30, 2006
Sure, the kid is asking about a particular situation. But it's one he's never faced before. So it's bigger than just the situation at hand. This kid is building his identity here, the proper work for adolescents: asking a question, "How am I going to behave? Who am I going to be: a cad or a gentleman? If I am a cad, what sort of popular opprobrium am I going to face - because I honestly don't know, I'm 17 and no one ever sat me down and explained it to me. If I behave as a gentleman, how am I going to live without sex, with regrets, with missed opportunities?"
This thread is full of insights for such a kid. One of them is that the world, and this thread, is full of vulgar, judgmental jerks who love to pile on and bully whom they perceive as moral inferiors. Another is that there are people willing to chat with them, help them think and work through these kinds of problems for themselves.
And in the end, this is just a lot of words on a green page; the real work, that of living with integrity, is for the asker to do on his own.
posted by ikkyu2 at 10:18 PM on June 30, 2006
How can I break up with her without it being awkward in all our classes together?
I don't think it's possible. I went to a very small high school myself, and it's always awkward for a while. It sounds like you want to avoid all unpleasantness, but you can't. You have to choose which discomfort to live with. You can make things better by not using words like 'clingy.' Don't criticize her in any way when you're telling her you want to move on. Talk about yourself -- you don't feel the commitment, you're too young for such a long-term thing, you've changed. She's a really great girl, you care about her, and so on. And if she asks why, why, why, or tries to persuade you, don't get into it with her. Explanations don't help anything.
You can lessen the awkwardness by acting like a good guy -- don't say anything bad about her, no matter what she says about you. Say hi to her, instead of avoiding her. Wait a few weeks before dating someone else.
Don't put off breaking up with someone to spare their feelings. You're going to have to do it sometime. And you can't stop her from feeling hurt and angry, even if you're very caring in the way you word things.
If you cheat on her, you guys are still going to have to break up. It'll probably end up making things even more unpleasant for you.
Do you think it might be a good idea to break up now? School doesn't start again for several weeks....
posted by wryly at 12:03 PM on July 5, 2006
I don't think it's possible. I went to a very small high school myself, and it's always awkward for a while. It sounds like you want to avoid all unpleasantness, but you can't. You have to choose which discomfort to live with. You can make things better by not using words like 'clingy.' Don't criticize her in any way when you're telling her you want to move on. Talk about yourself -- you don't feel the commitment, you're too young for such a long-term thing, you've changed. She's a really great girl, you care about her, and so on. And if she asks why, why, why, or tries to persuade you, don't get into it with her. Explanations don't help anything.
You can lessen the awkwardness by acting like a good guy -- don't say anything bad about her, no matter what she says about you. Say hi to her, instead of avoiding her. Wait a few weeks before dating someone else.
Don't put off breaking up with someone to spare their feelings. You're going to have to do it sometime. And you can't stop her from feeling hurt and angry, even if you're very caring in the way you word things.
If you cheat on her, you guys are still going to have to break up. It'll probably end up making things even more unpleasant for you.
Do you think it might be a good idea to break up now? School doesn't start again for several weeks....
posted by wryly at 12:03 PM on July 5, 2006
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posted by borkingchikapa at 4:37 PM on June 29, 2006