How to support someone who's feeling insecure?

February 5, 2025 9:04 AM

I often feel like I say the wrong thing or am just generally unhelpful when a friend looks to me for support about something they feel insecure about, whether in their work or romantic life or whatever it might be. I really want to be there for my friends, and I try to follow along on the details and am often responsive when they want to talk I think, but then I don't always do well on building them up and helping them leave the conversation feeling better.

What kind of things do you say to your friends in these situations? Sometimes I feel they want me to just shower them in compliments, but that doesn't always come naturally to me and can feel to me artificial because it's expected. But that's probably what I should do anyway, right? Or is there some other approach? I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences of this, and what you would like to hear from your friends when you're the one looking for support.

Also if there is anything you've noticed that your friends do that rubs you the wrong way, I'd be eager to hear since maybe I do those things too. I do have a habit of offering personal anecdotes or advice too much, which I know is now considered a huge no no, but I do try to limit it, I think it's a small portion of the conversation! I always bring the conversation back to them as quickly as possible. But maybe that is one one of the things I'm doing wrong...

posted by justsomebody to Human Relations (14 answers total)

You don't need to be ungenuine, but you could remind them of their strengths and good points- surely you have those in mind, since you have chosen to be their friend. You can also remind them of things they have accomplished in the past related to what they are feeling down about.
posted by bearette at 9:23 AM on February 5

First pass: if they're being unproductively harsh on themselves, point it out. "You're not being fair to yourself though! You're acting like you have all the time in the world to finish the thing but I know you're pretty much maxed out. You're doing the best you can." (Also, my husband's great line here is "Hey! Be nice to my friend!") This might also in some cases be more like "THEY aren't being fair to you, that's an unreasonable expectation!" or straight call out if it sounds like someone is manipulating or boundary-pushing your friend.

Second pass: Acknowledge that things are hard and many things are out of our control and that's not a personal failing. This is also where you can say something like "can I share an anecdote of my own about this?"

Third pass: "How can I help? Would you like to vent/process out loud? Do you want to whiteboard/brainstorm it? Need a pep talk/hype person? Are there actual tasks I can help you complete?" I think this is where you'll get the real guidance you're looking for, and this is the general conventional wisdom for relationships of various kinds, to just ask "do you want support or do you want advice?" or similar. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for a friend is let them verbally process while we go "mhm" every so often!
posted by Lyn Never at 9:41 AM on February 5 [5 favorites]

Sometimes what I remember to do, and sometimes what others say to me, is along the lines of, “What would you like from me in this conversation? Reassurance, validation, listening, advice, perspective, or something else?” This can be a great way to check in with them directly about what they want.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:43 AM on February 5 [7 favorites]

The main thing to remember is that you can't fix what's wrong in the moment. Don't jump straight to problem-solving; what they probably want at that time is a sympathetic ear, just someone to say "I hear you, this sucks! Let me know what you need, I'm here for you". That gives them space to open a dialogue if they want, or also gives them the time to be ready to talk later if they're not quite there yet. Either way it doesn't put a ton of pressure on them, or on you, to "fix things" right away.

It can be as simple as that - of course "I'm here for you" can also become more complex, depending on what the person is trying to tell you. But the main thing is they are almost certainly not looking to you, in the moment, to immediately solve the problem. They are most likely looking for empathy and a sense that they are not alone, so try to give them that.
posted by pdb at 9:48 AM on February 5

Is it possible that you feel like you have to be the fixer for your friends? Is the call coming from inside the house (ie are you insecure about your own ability here) or have friends given you the feedback that you're not providing the kind of support they would like?

You are sincere (it's clear to me that you care)
You pay attention and show you value the friend (you pay attention to the details and are responsive)
You are authentic (you don't want to fake over-effusive compliments)
You show empathy and center your friends (you share similar experiences but keep the convo focused on them)

Note, opinions and conversational styles vary but in my personal opinion it is completely appropriate and caring to share a similar experience while keeping the convo focused on the friend. It shows you are listening, it shows the person is not alone, etc. You're not hogging the convo and making it about you. I think this is a completely normal way to have a conversation, but I am not neurotypical and I don't think many of my close friends are either.

Sounds to me like you're doing the right things, so unless you have gotten feedback from friends indicating that they'd like you to do better, then I think you're fine. If you have gotten that feedback from friends, then it is probably best to ask those specific friends what might help them better. But I wonder if part of it is that you could have a core belief that, to have helped and been a good friend, you have to fix the problem. I kind of have that core belief (it goes along the lines of "If I fix everyone's problems, they will like me, and they won't reject me, they will see me as someone who makes their life better"). It can be hard to let the situation stay ambiguous. The person might not walk away feeling better and you can't necessary make them, no matter what you do. Sometimes it's just showing that you care, or that, yeah they may have that fault, but you like them anyway.
posted by fennario at 10:38 AM on February 5 [3 favorites]

What helps me when I feel insecure is a friend reminding me of some specific thing that I did in the past, and that went well. This brings back the confidence that I felt when the thing happened.
posted by Too-Ticky at 11:43 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]

This may just be me, but if someone is looking for reassurance I give them tough love. I break out the dark humour and make those jokes that they may not necessarily want to hear but know they only want to hear from a real friend. I would also invite them out for a drink or a coffee or some other social event and just let them know implicitly that they have someone to talk to. Don't sweat the details: just be a friend.
posted by hankmajor at 1:00 PM on February 5 [2 favorites]

Here's what I try to convey...
1. You are fucking awesome.
2. I'm really happy that we are (friends/partners/etc) and that I get to share my life with you.
3. You're judging yourself too harshly. You are focusing on the things you did wrong in this situation. What about all the things you did right? All the things that nobody else in the whole goddamn world could have done, because they are not you, in your totally unique awesomeness, which I love?
4. And yeah maybe you suck at some stuff, sometimes. But so does everybody really, and you get to not be perfect, and that's ok!
5. Let's talk shit about your enemies so I can hate them too.
6. OK now let's go get a taco.
posted by hovey at 2:45 PM on February 5 [3 favorites]

It’s okay for you to be you. In this as much as in other areas.

I have a lot of friends. Some of them give pep talks. Some give honest and thoughtful advice. Some listen. Some send memes. Some say “ugh I don’t know what to do but I love you.” Some share snacks. Some just show up and keep being a friend. Some check in later. What I mean is you don’t have to assume a false persona to be a good friend.

Here are some thoughts on navigating these conversations:

1. Pay attention to how your friends give support. This can be a clue.
2. No one needs the same exact support every time. There’s no formula. We just do our best and get better over time.
3. You matter too - you aren’t obligated to give support when you’re depleted, or in a way that doesn’t feel right
4. You can ask people what they need or what would help them feel supported.
5. If you feel lost in the moment, it’s okay. If you think of something great to say later, you can text them then. That’s awesome.
6. I’m trying on “no way, I am not here for you talk shit about my friend like this” for certain situations.
7. When someone is down on themselves “I hate it that you feel that way” is a legit response.
8. If someone shares an insecurity you can just say “I’ve never thought that.” Or “no one who knows you thinks that” - if it’s authentic for you.

Hope some of this helps. Good luck!
posted by bunderful at 3:11 PM on February 5 [2 favorites]

Instead of compliments tell them, "This is what I love about you." So even their oddities or the way they cope with difficulties can be praised. Mostly, listen carefully.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 8:49 PM on February 5

I do have a habit of offering personal anecdotes or advice too much, which I know is now considered a huge no no

A lot of people got mad about this on the internet recently, but I don't think that makes it a "huge no no". Lots of other people spoke out to say that they actually like that style. I find it helpful - if I were talking to a friend about something I felt insecure about, it would make me feel better if they shared one of their insecurities.

I'd feel like I wasn't alone, and I'd be pleased that they were willing to share something vulnerable in order to make me feel better. If it was something I'd never guessed about, I'd start to wonder if mine might also be better hidden than I thought.
posted by wheatlets at 9:45 PM on February 5 [1 favorite]

I love when someone else (or I) say that the same thing happens to me, and you're not alone. I've felt alone and the only one who has these problems so many times in my life.

But as someone who is insecure, I'm not rational about it. The self-hatred has been baked into me since I was a proto-human, the Voice Of Hate is loud and strong in me, and it's very hard for me to even mentally step back and think, "I'm not as horrible as people think I am." I don't know how one fights it and even gets it to a standstill and I've been in therapy forever. People can briefly make me think on the topic, but I almost instantly slip back into the Voice of Hate, since it will not shut up or off. Anything you say/do won't make much of a dent, to be honest. My best suggestion is to lower your standards/expectations that anything you say/do will make much difference. At best it may come out as a brief soothing experience before the other person's Voice Of Insecurity comes raring back stronger than ever.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:03 AM on February 6

Jenfullmoon - I don't know how one fights it and even gets it to a standstill


For me, it was psychedelics.
posted by wheatlets at 8:33 AM on February 6

Eeeeep. I don't even know how I'd get that done or if I'm comfortable with that.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:35 AM on February 6