How to help a friend get over insecurities?
June 11, 2008 4:44 AM Subscribe
How can I help a friend get over deep insecurities?
The friend in question often takes offense at things I say, and acts hurt about very insignificant things I've said. (Things that are small enough that I feel ridiculous being asked to, and in any case I generally refuse, to apologize for them.) I sometimes feel like I can't have normal, honest conversations with him that have to do with anything he has an opinion about or experience with. My feeling is that he's really insecure--he often feels the need to boast about himself. If I criticize something he's done or make a suggestion about a better way to go about something, he will often respond by attacking me. (And if not, he might say something like, "I know I'm not as good as you at doing X" and disregard my advice.) Very often he'll misunderstand/misinterpret things I do or say as being personally aimed against him. He also has a habit of drudging up issues from the past as though they happened yesterday (going back as far as being the victim of childhood bullying...). I've raised the idea of therapy, but he's not at all interested.
Deep inside, I know he's a good guy. The problem is that he feels insecure all too often, and I feel at a loss for how to help him. This has definitely been a problem long in the making, and a solution can't be quick. But here's what I'd like to know most:
- What can I do when something important is at stake, like making it on time to a flight, and I need to push him along/give him advice/change something he's doing, but don't want to make it acrimonious?
- In the long run, how can I help my friend build up his self-confidence? Are there any subtle things I am doing now that I shouldn't be, or subtle things I could be doing that would help? Any major changes I can make in the way I approach him?
The irony is that my being around is sometimes counterproductive, because he compares himself to me and generally doesn't like the result. But I really need to find a way to make this better. I value our friendship but am having a really hard time with this.
Thanks for everyone's help.
The friend in question often takes offense at things I say, and acts hurt about very insignificant things I've said. (Things that are small enough that I feel ridiculous being asked to, and in any case I generally refuse, to apologize for them.) I sometimes feel like I can't have normal, honest conversations with him that have to do with anything he has an opinion about or experience with. My feeling is that he's really insecure--he often feels the need to boast about himself. If I criticize something he's done or make a suggestion about a better way to go about something, he will often respond by attacking me. (And if not, he might say something like, "I know I'm not as good as you at doing X" and disregard my advice.) Very often he'll misunderstand/misinterpret things I do or say as being personally aimed against him. He also has a habit of drudging up issues from the past as though they happened yesterday (going back as far as being the victim of childhood bullying...). I've raised the idea of therapy, but he's not at all interested.
Deep inside, I know he's a good guy. The problem is that he feels insecure all too often, and I feel at a loss for how to help him. This has definitely been a problem long in the making, and a solution can't be quick. But here's what I'd like to know most:
- What can I do when something important is at stake, like making it on time to a flight, and I need to push him along/give him advice/change something he's doing, but don't want to make it acrimonious?
- In the long run, how can I help my friend build up his self-confidence? Are there any subtle things I am doing now that I shouldn't be, or subtle things I could be doing that would help? Any major changes I can make in the way I approach him?
The irony is that my being around is sometimes counterproductive, because he compares himself to me and generally doesn't like the result. But I really need to find a way to make this better. I value our friendship but am having a really hard time with this.
Thanks for everyone's help.
You asked a previous question about a sort of self-centredness -- saying that you often don't absorb what people say to you unless there's some way in which it will benefit you. Is it possible that this obliviousness extends to the way you talk to this friend? Maybe try really searching yourself to see if it's possible that you're unintentionally saying minor but hurtful things.
posted by loiseau at 5:24 AM on June 11, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by loiseau at 5:24 AM on June 11, 2008 [1 favorite]
Sounds to me like a classic case of codependence.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 5:29 AM on June 11, 2008
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 5:29 AM on June 11, 2008
Response by poster: I'd like to try to steer this away from me if possible--this is an issue I've talked to mutual friends about and we all have the same sorts of experiences and concerns (and we're worried to the same degree). I don't think it's as simple as an interpersonal problem between us...the basic problem, I am almost entirely certain, does lie in insecurity.
posted by monkey85 at 5:34 AM on June 11, 2008
posted by monkey85 at 5:34 AM on June 11, 2008
Is he specifically asking for advice and criticism? If he's not saying "monkey85, what do you think I should do in this situation?" don't give him any advice!!!
He may be using you as a sounding board and you are misinterpreting whining with asking for advice. It is not the same, it's a dangerous mistake, and you are reaping the fruits now.
If he's just whining and complaining, you may feel compelled to give advice. But don't give him any unless he has asked you for it directly. You don't have to listen to his complaining, but he will react in a hostile way if you're giving unsolicited advice (as do we all).
posted by Flying Squirrel at 5:44 AM on June 11, 2008 [4 favorites]
He may be using you as a sounding board and you are misinterpreting whining with asking for advice. It is not the same, it's a dangerous mistake, and you are reaping the fruits now.
If he's just whining and complaining, you may feel compelled to give advice. But don't give him any unless he has asked you for it directly. You don't have to listen to his complaining, but he will react in a hostile way if you're giving unsolicited advice (as do we all).
posted by Flying Squirrel at 5:44 AM on June 11, 2008 [4 favorites]
Are you sure that he really lacks self confidence? Maybe he's just an egomaniac.
posted by gjc at 6:03 AM on June 11, 2008
posted by gjc at 6:03 AM on June 11, 2008
Your first 2 objectives are in opposition to each other, no matter how nice you are about it, constantly tell him he's wrong or trying to change what he's doing is not going to help his self confidence at all.
Reading your post, it seems like a parent/teacher talking about a child - so what if how he does something isn't the best way (or what you think is the best way), he is an adult (I assume) let him make his own mistakes and learn from them.
Some people don't deal well with criticism, nobody is perfect but the solution is simple - stop criticising him. You have to accept that you are part of the problem, you know he's insecure and you know he doesn't deal well with criticism but you keep doing it - all you're doing is provoking arguments and further lowering his self-esteem.
If I criticize something he's done or make a suggestion about a better way to go about something, he will often respond by attacking me.
Are these requested criticisms or are you just wading in with your opinion? IMO theres nothing more obnoxious than an unrequested 'peer review'. He could be very proud of this thing he's done and your criticisms could be very hurtful. Unless this thing could negatively affect you or your opinion is requested, keep it to yourself.
On the boasting thing are these boasts justified/true? Or are his boasts lies? Theres a big difference between being an arrogant braggart and a complete lier but I guess the overall motive is the same - acceptance/respect by the people around him. What sort of things does he boast about? And under what circumstances?
posted by missmagenta at 6:18 AM on June 11, 2008 [1 favorite]
Reading your post, it seems like a parent/teacher talking about a child - so what if how he does something isn't the best way (or what you think is the best way), he is an adult (I assume) let him make his own mistakes and learn from them.
Some people don't deal well with criticism, nobody is perfect but the solution is simple - stop criticising him. You have to accept that you are part of the problem, you know he's insecure and you know he doesn't deal well with criticism but you keep doing it - all you're doing is provoking arguments and further lowering his self-esteem.
If I criticize something he's done or make a suggestion about a better way to go about something, he will often respond by attacking me.
Are these requested criticisms or are you just wading in with your opinion? IMO theres nothing more obnoxious than an unrequested 'peer review'. He could be very proud of this thing he's done and your criticisms could be very hurtful. Unless this thing could negatively affect you or your opinion is requested, keep it to yourself.
On the boasting thing are these boasts justified/true? Or are his boasts lies? Theres a big difference between being an arrogant braggart and a complete lier but I guess the overall motive is the same - acceptance/respect by the people around him. What sort of things does he boast about? And under what circumstances?
posted by missmagenta at 6:18 AM on June 11, 2008 [1 favorite]
A - What can I do when something important is at stake, like making it on time to a flight, and I need to push him along/give him advice/change something he's doing, but don't want to make it acrimonious?
B - In the long run, how can I help my friend build up his self-confidence?
The answer to B: Stop doing A.
Hand-holding does not instill confidence.
The friend in question often takes offense at things I say, and acts hurt about very insignificant things I've said. (Things that are small enough that I feel ridiculous being asked to, and in any case I generally refuse, to apologize for them.)
If he takes offense, and is hurt, and you continue to act the way you do around him because you don't think there's anything wrong with it, that's a problem with you.
(going back as far as being the victim of childhood bullying...)
Maybe because for one reason or another he sees your constant criticism as bullying? Just a thought.
I value our friendship
Does he?
posted by Sys Rq at 6:31 AM on June 11, 2008
B - In the long run, how can I help my friend build up his self-confidence?
The answer to B: Stop doing A.
Hand-holding does not instill confidence.
The friend in question often takes offense at things I say, and acts hurt about very insignificant things I've said. (Things that are small enough that I feel ridiculous being asked to, and in any case I generally refuse, to apologize for them.)
If he takes offense, and is hurt, and you continue to act the way you do around him because you don't think there's anything wrong with it, that's a problem with you.
(going back as far as being the victim of childhood bullying...)
Maybe because for one reason or another he sees your constant criticism as bullying? Just a thought.
I value our friendship
Does he?
posted by Sys Rq at 6:31 AM on June 11, 2008
The irony is that my being around is sometimes counterproductive, because he compares himself to me and generally doesn't like the result. But I really need to find a way to make this better. I value our friendship but am having a really hard time with this.
Maybe I'm reading into this a bit, because I tend to get stressed out when other people act in ways that I don't like, and I start to stress out about "fixing" the situation (or the person). I'm trying to learn to simmer down and realise the difference between the things I can change and the things I have to just learn to live with (or without).
One of AskMe's mantras in these situations is that you can't make a person change, and it's not your responsibility to do so. You're not his boss or his parent or his therapist, and even if you were, it would still be up to him. Let's say that this does stem from the childhood bullying and other events that he "drudges up". If so, that would be a job for therapy, not for you. He's refused therapy, but that doesn't mean that it's now your responsibility to help him, or that it's even possible for you to help him.
You are responsible for you. Consider some things: If you could avoid triggering these outbursts from your friend by modifying your behaviour, what would those changes entail, and would you be comfortable with them? If it meant always walking on eggshells around him and never making suggestions or criticisms, perhaps it would be more peaceful, but would it be worth it to you? What if you apologized for all the little things, even though it feels ridiculous? What if you bit your tongue and let him miss his flight? Would you value that friendship? If so, go for it. If none of these changes would help you, is this friendship (this one right now, without any changes) worth it to you? Does "finding a way to make this better" have to mean fixing your friend? Could it mean spending less time with him? Could it mean spending time in less stressful situations (e.g. not taking flights together)?
You can make choices about your level of interaction and your type of interaction, but you can't make choices about your friend's reactions or willingness to pursue therapy. Those aren't up to you. And sometimes when you stop trying to fix things and just take people where they're at, it gets easier to handle.
posted by heatherann at 6:40 AM on June 11, 2008 [1 favorite]
Maybe I'm reading into this a bit, because I tend to get stressed out when other people act in ways that I don't like, and I start to stress out about "fixing" the situation (or the person). I'm trying to learn to simmer down and realise the difference between the things I can change and the things I have to just learn to live with (or without).
One of AskMe's mantras in these situations is that you can't make a person change, and it's not your responsibility to do so. You're not his boss or his parent or his therapist, and even if you were, it would still be up to him. Let's say that this does stem from the childhood bullying and other events that he "drudges up". If so, that would be a job for therapy, not for you. He's refused therapy, but that doesn't mean that it's now your responsibility to help him, or that it's even possible for you to help him.
You are responsible for you. Consider some things: If you could avoid triggering these outbursts from your friend by modifying your behaviour, what would those changes entail, and would you be comfortable with them? If it meant always walking on eggshells around him and never making suggestions or criticisms, perhaps it would be more peaceful, but would it be worth it to you? What if you apologized for all the little things, even though it feels ridiculous? What if you bit your tongue and let him miss his flight? Would you value that friendship? If so, go for it. If none of these changes would help you, is this friendship (this one right now, without any changes) worth it to you? Does "finding a way to make this better" have to mean fixing your friend? Could it mean spending less time with him? Could it mean spending time in less stressful situations (e.g. not taking flights together)?
You can make choices about your level of interaction and your type of interaction, but you can't make choices about your friend's reactions or willingness to pursue therapy. Those aren't up to you. And sometimes when you stop trying to fix things and just take people where they're at, it gets easier to handle.
posted by heatherann at 6:40 AM on June 11, 2008 [1 favorite]
- What can I do when something important is at stake, like making it on time to a flight, and I need to push him along/give him advice/change something he's doing, but don't want to make it acrimonious?
There's a difference between giving advice and seekign change and getting to the plane on time. My general feeling about situations like this is that a good friend doesn't set up their friend to fail. That is, if currently he has trouble with timing or other "important" things, that you don't set up situations where his inaibility to deal with these thigns turns into a conflict for the two of you. This means he doesn't pick you up from or drive you to the airport [and be late, and get recriminations], you maybe don't see movies together and you may arrive separately at parties.
For people who are on time or generally with it about things like this, it's easy to look at someone who isn't as someone in need of fixing, but part of the whole situation here is whether he WANTS to change or whether he wants you to quit being mad at him.
He's defensive, you're critical. You need to BOTH stop this cycle to have harmonious relations and if you're the one who can see it starting then you shoudl be the one who can also stop it. So, to that end.
1. "I feel ridiculous being asked to, and in any case I generally refuse, to apologize for them." Stop doing this. Say you're sorry if it solves the immediate problem and move on. Don't beg forgiveness but don't turn it into a fight. Whether or not you think it's sane of him to have said you hurt his feelings, you have a friend sitting there with hurt feelings. Be cool and find a way to solve that problem. You thinking your friend is ridiculous is a different problem, don't conflate the two.
2. "he compares himself to me and generally doesn't like the result." Disallow this. A lot of what you seem to be describing is him sort of stagnating in some Eeyore-like negative assessment of himself. That should be something neither of you engage in and this includes "here are the things that are wrong with you that we are going to fix" If he's on board with the self-improvement program [i.e. "can you help me quit smoking/get to the airport on time"] then work on that specifically but don't be a constant advice-giver.
3. Learn to love your friend the way he is. You seem to be thinking "well he's almost a good friend but he isn't quite a good friend because of these character flaws" If you don't like him AS IS you may also want to consider that it's just not the right friendship for you, or that it's not right for the level of involvement you two have. Nothing helps insecurities more, to my mind, of therapy is not an option, than someone being accepted warts and all by someone they care about and whose opinion they value. Try it as an experiment for a week or so and see if your friend doesnt thrive in a more positive atmosphere.
I don't mean to be all tough-love about this, but I was in a relationship for a long time with someone who had this constant low-level "I suck, I'm doomed" narrative running in his head and it was, I think, catching as well as being something of a self-fulfilling prophecy. These were some things that worked for me.
posted by jessamyn at 7:12 AM on June 11, 2008 [6 favorites]
There's a difference between giving advice and seekign change and getting to the plane on time. My general feeling about situations like this is that a good friend doesn't set up their friend to fail. That is, if currently he has trouble with timing or other "important" things, that you don't set up situations where his inaibility to deal with these thigns turns into a conflict for the two of you. This means he doesn't pick you up from or drive you to the airport [and be late, and get recriminations], you maybe don't see movies together and you may arrive separately at parties.
For people who are on time or generally with it about things like this, it's easy to look at someone who isn't as someone in need of fixing, but part of the whole situation here is whether he WANTS to change or whether he wants you to quit being mad at him.
He's defensive, you're critical. You need to BOTH stop this cycle to have harmonious relations and if you're the one who can see it starting then you shoudl be the one who can also stop it. So, to that end.
1. "I feel ridiculous being asked to, and in any case I generally refuse, to apologize for them." Stop doing this. Say you're sorry if it solves the immediate problem and move on. Don't beg forgiveness but don't turn it into a fight. Whether or not you think it's sane of him to have said you hurt his feelings, you have a friend sitting there with hurt feelings. Be cool and find a way to solve that problem. You thinking your friend is ridiculous is a different problem, don't conflate the two.
2. "he compares himself to me and generally doesn't like the result." Disallow this. A lot of what you seem to be describing is him sort of stagnating in some Eeyore-like negative assessment of himself. That should be something neither of you engage in and this includes "here are the things that are wrong with you that we are going to fix" If he's on board with the self-improvement program [i.e. "can you help me quit smoking/get to the airport on time"] then work on that specifically but don't be a constant advice-giver.
3. Learn to love your friend the way he is. You seem to be thinking "well he's almost a good friend but he isn't quite a good friend because of these character flaws" If you don't like him AS IS you may also want to consider that it's just not the right friendship for you, or that it's not right for the level of involvement you two have. Nothing helps insecurities more, to my mind, of therapy is not an option, than someone being accepted warts and all by someone they care about and whose opinion they value. Try it as an experiment for a week or so and see if your friend doesnt thrive in a more positive atmosphere.
I don't mean to be all tough-love about this, but I was in a relationship for a long time with someone who had this constant low-level "I suck, I'm doomed" narrative running in his head and it was, I think, catching as well as being something of a self-fulfilling prophecy. These were some things that worked for me.
posted by jessamyn at 7:12 AM on June 11, 2008 [6 favorites]
You can encourage change...sometimes.
You have to get to the root of his insecurities. If you find the roots, work from there.
Plus, I don't think words are that helpful, regardless if it's in the form of criticism or praise. Experience will be the thing that moves him.
Example, if his real issue is that he feels powerless from childhood bullying, maybe you two could take up martial arts. I know many people who gained a lot of self-confidence through that. Or...any other actitivity or experience that could make him feel powerful. Are you aware of any hidden talents that he may have?
Do you think he could have Borderline Personality Disorder? Sensitivity to criticism and chronic insecurity can be a symptom. Do a search on MeFi, and you'll find some info on this disorder.
posted by sixcolors at 7:32 AM on June 11, 2008
You have to get to the root of his insecurities. If you find the roots, work from there.
Plus, I don't think words are that helpful, regardless if it's in the form of criticism or praise. Experience will be the thing that moves him.
Example, if his real issue is that he feels powerless from childhood bullying, maybe you two could take up martial arts. I know many people who gained a lot of self-confidence through that. Or...any other actitivity or experience that could make him feel powerful. Are you aware of any hidden talents that he may have?
Do you think he could have Borderline Personality Disorder? Sensitivity to criticism and chronic insecurity can be a symptom. Do a search on MeFi, and you'll find some info on this disorder.
posted by sixcolors at 7:32 AM on June 11, 2008
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posted by mpls2 at 5:08 AM on June 11, 2008