Was I wrong? And how do we solve this?
July 25, 2020 10:49 PM Subscribe
So around 2-3 weeks, my girlfriend and I had a huge argument because I was talking on the phone with a female friend. She found out because she demanded to look at my texts with this friend. We made peace a couple days after but lately she's been bringing up again, saying that she asked everyone and they all said what I did was wrong.
I don't know who everyone was but I assumed they were her close friends. She only told them that I talked to a girl on the phone, but that's where I have the problem with. This "friend" is someone I've known for 13 years, one of my closest friends. We also live in different countries so our method of communication is through texts, and occasionally calls. She already has a partner and is living with him. My friend and I rarely talk, maybe once every 2-3 weeks or months. We only talk to update on our lives, or to ask for advice. Sometimes when there are too many things, we will call to communicate faster. And I talked to my friend about my mom, worrying that my mom might have cancer. The last time we talked on phone, before this one, was in mid March. Throughout the relationship, I've told my girlfriend about this female friend. But now my girlfriend is going wild about it, saying I have no respect for her, accusing me of talking on the phone frequently with my friend behind her back, disregarding the reason and the level of relationship between me and my friend.
Was I wrong? What should I do?
I don't know who everyone was but I assumed they were her close friends. She only told them that I talked to a girl on the phone, but that's where I have the problem with. This "friend" is someone I've known for 13 years, one of my closest friends. We also live in different countries so our method of communication is through texts, and occasionally calls. She already has a partner and is living with him. My friend and I rarely talk, maybe once every 2-3 weeks or months. We only talk to update on our lives, or to ask for advice. Sometimes when there are too many things, we will call to communicate faster. And I talked to my friend about my mom, worrying that my mom might have cancer. The last time we talked on phone, before this one, was in mid March. Throughout the relationship, I've told my girlfriend about this female friend. But now my girlfriend is going wild about it, saying I have no respect for her, accusing me of talking on the phone frequently with my friend behind her back, disregarding the reason and the level of relationship between me and my friend.
Was I wrong? What should I do?
Get a new girlfriend. This one's too jealous to be in a relationship with you. Having friends is normal and healthy.
posted by summerstorm at 11:09 PM on July 25, 2020 [58 favorites]
posted by summerstorm at 11:09 PM on July 25, 2020 [58 favorites]
Not only is she jealous, she apparently needs her friends to tell her that. Very insecure. This type of drama will never go away. Are you going to convince her that you are right? No. What is she suggesting, that you should never speak to your female friend again?
If you want to try to get past this or change your gf reactions, I would actually introduce your gf to your LT female friend. I introduced my then wife to the woman I dated for 8 years before I met her. They actually became friends.
Also, maybe your gf is upset that you are confiding in friend rather than with her. Did you talk to your gf about your mom?
posted by AugustWest at 11:28 PM on July 25, 2020 [3 favorites]
If you want to try to get past this or change your gf reactions, I would actually introduce your gf to your LT female friend. I introduced my then wife to the woman I dated for 8 years before I met her. They actually became friends.
Also, maybe your gf is upset that you are confiding in friend rather than with her. Did you talk to your gf about your mom?
posted by AugustWest at 11:28 PM on July 25, 2020 [3 favorites]
Well, we've heard your side of this. But I don't feel like I know enough to say. How long have you and your girlfriend been dating? Was she aware that you spoke with your friend regularly? Did you offer to have them meet via video chat? Did she overhear you having a particularly intimate conversation? She might be jealous of the connection you have with your friend. It's hard to know if your girlfriend is being totally unreasonable or if you do have a more intimate friendship than you might realize.
I'm a straight woman with some good friends who are straight men. When I start dating someone new, if it seems like it might be a thing, I try to get together my men friends with the new person I'm dating (in a group or a casual setting) so the new person can see that my guy friends truly are just friends. Similarly, if a guy friend starts dating a new woman, I try to meet her soon and become friends with her, because I know that befriending my guy friends' women partners helps make it easier for me to stay friends with my guy friends.
I think a good way to defuse this is first, don't tell your friend that your girlfriend is struggling with this. Keep that confidential with your girlfriend or she might feel like it's a betrayal. Next, yes, try to introduce the two of them. It will probably help your girlfriend to see your friend and see she's just a normal, regular woman and friend. It might be good if your friend's boyfriend popped in to say hello too.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:52 PM on July 25, 2020 [7 favorites]
I'm a straight woman with some good friends who are straight men. When I start dating someone new, if it seems like it might be a thing, I try to get together my men friends with the new person I'm dating (in a group or a casual setting) so the new person can see that my guy friends truly are just friends. Similarly, if a guy friend starts dating a new woman, I try to meet her soon and become friends with her, because I know that befriending my guy friends' women partners helps make it easier for me to stay friends with my guy friends.
I think a good way to defuse this is first, don't tell your friend that your girlfriend is struggling with this. Keep that confidential with your girlfriend or she might feel like it's a betrayal. Next, yes, try to introduce the two of them. It will probably help your girlfriend to see your friend and see she's just a normal, regular woman and friend. It might be good if your friend's boyfriend popped in to say hello too.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:52 PM on July 25, 2020 [7 favorites]
Throughout the relationship, I've told my girlfriend about this female friend. But now my girlfriend is going wild about it,
Something is missing here. If she's known all along about the friend, why is she flipping out now? Is there something else in the relationship that is making her insecure? (She found out by demanding your phone - why did she ask?)
posted by metahawk at 12:16 AM on July 26, 2020 [5 favorites]
Something is missing here. If she's known all along about the friend, why is she flipping out now? Is there something else in the relationship that is making her insecure? (She found out by demanding your phone - why did she ask?)
posted by metahawk at 12:16 AM on July 26, 2020 [5 favorites]
There's a societal narrative that some people buy into that a man in a relationship can't have other female friends beyond his partner. In some ways it's an example of two-way sexism, as it makes some gross assumptions about both of the genders in play (that the man "can't be trusted" etc. to have female friends or that this is always a proxy for cheating, that the woman should be wary and vigilant about the man's female friends and that it might be reasonable for her on some level to insist on being the only significant opposite-sex relationship in his life). As others have stated above, this is hogwash and both partners having a range of friends outside of the relationship is healthy.
If I were I this situation, I'd be wondering both whether I could stay with someone who believes this particular unhealthy social narrative and considers it a reasonable basis for limitations on the relationship, and whether I could stay with someone who uncritically internalises this kind of social narrative in general and considers any of them a reasonable basis for limitations on the relationship. As someone who doesn't play by any of these "rules" and believes that relationships are about two people meeting as people, I personally wouldn't be comfortable in a relationship where the parameters were set by this kind of narrative.
posted by terretu at 12:22 AM on July 26, 2020 [4 favorites]
If I were I this situation, I'd be wondering both whether I could stay with someone who believes this particular unhealthy social narrative and considers it a reasonable basis for limitations on the relationship, and whether I could stay with someone who uncritically internalises this kind of social narrative in general and considers any of them a reasonable basis for limitations on the relationship. As someone who doesn't play by any of these "rules" and believes that relationships are about two people meeting as people, I personally wouldn't be comfortable in a relationship where the parameters were set by this kind of narrative.
posted by terretu at 12:22 AM on July 26, 2020 [4 favorites]
This happened to me. I got a long email about how intimacy with members of the opposite sex was not to be shared outside of the relationship. Friendly conversations or activities counted as intimacy. My ex assured me that she did not speak to any men, at any time, and expected the same from me.
As a thought experiment, I imagined what it would be like to tell my female friends I couldn't talk with them or spend time with them anymore. Five or six people from my life who I considered good friends, and shared many good times with.
I found that I simply lacked the vocabulary necessary to express this to them. There was no way to say it in a reasonable way that aligned with my values. I actually doubted that they would understand what I was even saying. The idea seemed so preposterous to me that I couldn't even translate it into my own words.
And it was preposterous. So I said goodbye to my girlfriend instead.
I've never regretted it.
posted by tillermo at 12:35 AM on July 26, 2020 [78 favorites]
As a thought experiment, I imagined what it would be like to tell my female friends I couldn't talk with them or spend time with them anymore. Five or six people from my life who I considered good friends, and shared many good times with.
I found that I simply lacked the vocabulary necessary to express this to them. There was no way to say it in a reasonable way that aligned with my values. I actually doubted that they would understand what I was even saying. The idea seemed so preposterous to me that I couldn't even translate it into my own words.
And it was preposterous. So I said goodbye to my girlfriend instead.
I've never regretted it.
posted by tillermo at 12:35 AM on July 26, 2020 [78 favorites]
If it as innocent as you describe (and it may well be, I have friendships like this), then your girlfriend is on the jealous and controlling side. It's unlikely to make for a happy, healthy relationship in the long run.
posted by stormyteal at 12:41 AM on July 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by stormyteal at 12:41 AM on July 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
I (a gay woman) once had a girlfriend freak out about a (male) friend of mine. Initially I was like- you can’t tell me who I can and can’t be friends with you controlling monster!!! But then I realised she kind of had a point that I was in some ways more open with him than with her, which of course was shitty of me.. BUT then I realised it was because I didn’t trust her very much and there were other red flags about control, so I ended it.
Suffice it to say that in a good, happy, functional relationship, each party is happy for each other to have friends, but crucially they view and treat the other like their number 1 person who is top of the intimacy, commitment, trust and communication tree. If your gf is not top of that tree for you, she is going to be hurt and mad. BUT there is probably a reason why she isn’t. Do you trust her? Do you resent her? Do you feel like your friend understands you better than your gf? Do you feel like your gf is a bit of a nightmare and you want to vent about it to your friend? These might be good Qs to ask yourself, and the answers will tell you a lot about your relationship and how viable and tenable it is.
On the other hand, if the dynamic really is exactly as you describe and your gf is just saying YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED FEMALE FRIENDS then please DTMFA!
posted by Balthamos at 1:06 AM on July 26, 2020 [40 favorites]
Suffice it to say that in a good, happy, functional relationship, each party is happy for each other to have friends, but crucially they view and treat the other like their number 1 person who is top of the intimacy, commitment, trust and communication tree. If your gf is not top of that tree for you, she is going to be hurt and mad. BUT there is probably a reason why she isn’t. Do you trust her? Do you resent her? Do you feel like your friend understands you better than your gf? Do you feel like your gf is a bit of a nightmare and you want to vent about it to your friend? These might be good Qs to ask yourself, and the answers will tell you a lot about your relationship and how viable and tenable it is.
On the other hand, if the dynamic really is exactly as you describe and your gf is just saying YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED FEMALE FRIENDS then please DTMFA!
posted by Balthamos at 1:06 AM on July 26, 2020 [40 favorites]
I would say this level of insecurity and lack of trust warrants a closer and objective look at the relationship through a realistic lens and see what needs to be fixed and also see whether at all this needs fixing or just discarding altogether. In my case talking to a professional helped more than talking to friends. Friends were mostly echo chambers, or the worse - dismissive - "don't worry, these things sort themselves out".
If you avoid/skip this, it might come to both or either of you years or months later that it was a no-go from the beginning. Red flags are red flags and this IS a red flag.
But whatever you do with an open mind and preferably keeping your partner in confidence.
PS. Been there on both side of the table and not proud of being on either side.
posted by amar at 2:59 AM on July 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
If you avoid/skip this, it might come to both or either of you years or months later that it was a no-go from the beginning. Red flags are red flags and this IS a red flag.
But whatever you do with an open mind and preferably keeping your partner in confidence.
PS. Been there on both side of the table and not proud of being on either side.
posted by amar at 2:59 AM on July 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
This is the kind of high-school drama-llama bullshit that it is necessary to grow out of in order to become a functioning, autonomous adult.
Ask yourself: what would Mike Pence do? Then do the opposite.
posted by flabdablet at 4:12 AM on July 26, 2020 [13 favorites]
Ask yourself: what would Mike Pence do? Then do the opposite.
posted by flabdablet at 4:12 AM on July 26, 2020 [13 favorites]
Sorry, that was a terrible typo. Your romantic partners do NOT get to tell you who you can be friends with!
posted by DarlingBri at 4:19 AM on July 26, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 4:19 AM on July 26, 2020 [4 favorites]
If this hasn't been a problem between you but now is ... What else has changed? What's going on in your relationship with your girlfriend that she now is feeling insecure and controlling? The friend is a distraction from something else that's not right in your relationship.
posted by spindrifter at 4:56 AM on July 26, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by spindrifter at 4:56 AM on July 26, 2020 [3 favorites]
Was I wrong?
No, it’s good and normal to have friends. It’s good and normal to have friends of the opposite sex.
What should I do?
Break up. Your girlfriend should not be able to tell you not to have friends, or dictate who those friends should be. If she can’t or won’t trust you, then you two shouldn’t be together.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 5:18 AM on July 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
No, it’s good and normal to have friends. It’s good and normal to have friends of the opposite sex.
What should I do?
Break up. Your girlfriend should not be able to tell you not to have friends, or dictate who those friends should be. If she can’t or won’t trust you, then you two shouldn’t be together.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 5:18 AM on July 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
I’d ask to check your girlfriend’s phone. (Apparently this is something that is quite ok for her to demand of you, sooo...). If she’s freaking out because you’re having an innocent conversation with a person of the opposite sex, maybe it’s because she’s doing the same and it’s not innocent at all. Just a thought.
posted by Jubey at 5:29 AM on July 26, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 5:29 AM on July 26, 2020 [4 favorites]
Mod note: One deleted. Let's please try to remember that pejoratives like "crazy" or "insane" reinforce negative stereotypes about people living with mental health conditions (info), and look for better words to use instead. Thank you!
posted by taz (staff) at 5:36 AM on July 26, 2020 [25 favorites]
posted by taz (staff) at 5:36 AM on July 26, 2020 [25 favorites]
Is she jealous that you are more intimate with your friend than you are with her?
E.g. "And I talked to my friend about my mom, worrying that my mom might have cancer."
Did you express those worries with your friend, and not her?
If not, then no, I really don't get what your GF is on about. Break up.
If you're having convos about really important things with your friend and *not* her tho, then, problem is still not your friend, but pretty concerning for your GF, if you don't turn to her for support or to confide things, might not be relationship she is looking for.
posted by Elysum at 7:41 AM on July 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
E.g. "And I talked to my friend about my mom, worrying that my mom might have cancer."
Did you express those worries with your friend, and not her?
If not, then no, I really don't get what your GF is on about. Break up.
If you're having convos about really important things with your friend and *not* her tho, then, problem is still not your friend, but pretty concerning for your GF, if you don't turn to her for support or to confide things, might not be relationship she is looking for.
posted by Elysum at 7:41 AM on July 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
It's complicated partly because your friend is in a different country.
Set up a Zoom cocktail hour for them to get to know each other.
Hopefully that will make it less mysterious and threatening.
And if old friend isn't willing to make an effort, well that says something too.
posted by dum spiro spero at 8:00 AM on July 26, 2020
Set up a Zoom cocktail hour for them to get to know each other.
Hopefully that will make it less mysterious and threatening.
And if old friend isn't willing to make an effort, well that says something too.
posted by dum spiro spero at 8:00 AM on July 26, 2020
Is this a relatively new relationship? (And thus, a close friend is intimidating?) Are you from different cultural backgrounds or speak different languages? (And thus, there are some communication hurdles?) Has your girlfriend experienced a situation where a partner cheated on her with someone who was a friend?
I agree that it is absolutely okay in my book to talk to long-standing friends of the same gender as the person you are dating.
But people all have sore spots, of various kinds, and there can be real reasons for those sore spots beyond crappy societal narratives of "men and women can't really be platonic friends."
Instead of going back to your girlfriend with "I asked AskMe and they told me I'm not wrong, you're wrong," what if you asked her questions about what is underlying her fear? Or if dum spiro spero suggestions would help her, if she can get to know the mysterious good friend as a person and not an abstract threat in a different country?
posted by spamandkimchi at 8:18 AM on July 26, 2020 [3 favorites]
I agree that it is absolutely okay in my book to talk to long-standing friends of the same gender as the person you are dating.
But people all have sore spots, of various kinds, and there can be real reasons for those sore spots beyond crappy societal narratives of "men and women can't really be platonic friends."
Instead of going back to your girlfriend with "I asked AskMe and they told me I'm not wrong, you're wrong," what if you asked her questions about what is underlying her fear? Or if dum spiro spero suggestions would help her, if she can get to know the mysterious good friend as a person and not an abstract threat in a different country?
posted by spamandkimchi at 8:18 AM on July 26, 2020 [3 favorites]
I am LOLing at all the responses here that boil down to "dump this person for having an emotional response to something in life, based solely on one paragraph." Good lord, people.
In a therapeutic context, you would very likely be guided to communicate your concerns directly with your partner. You'd be asked to understand the motivations for her feelings, and whether you're both understanding each other fully. If you can't have a conversation about this situation without one or both of you getting heated, then there's something to explore further. Since your partner has been concerned enough to run her read of the situation by her friends—the "am I crazy or is this situation as weird as it seems to me?" test—I encourage you to consider that she's interpreted some detail(s) of your conversations with your friend differently than how you represent them here. Have you considered what or how you may have explained the situation? Is there something in your explanation that could be misconstrued, or triggers some vulnerability in her? Of you like her, this is a good prompt to explore. If you don't like her, this is as good an excuse as any to leave.
Even without going to a counselor for guidance in a process like this, you can find all sorts of resources online or at the library. There are tons of YouTube videos on, like, "how a couples counselor helps people discuss a difficult subject." But, again, resolving conflict and clearing up miscommunication are how relationships grow and mature. You have to want that to happen, though, and take active steps to make that happen with them involved.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 8:22 AM on July 26, 2020 [15 favorites]
In a therapeutic context, you would very likely be guided to communicate your concerns directly with your partner. You'd be asked to understand the motivations for her feelings, and whether you're both understanding each other fully. If you can't have a conversation about this situation without one or both of you getting heated, then there's something to explore further. Since your partner has been concerned enough to run her read of the situation by her friends—the "am I crazy or is this situation as weird as it seems to me?" test—I encourage you to consider that she's interpreted some detail(s) of your conversations with your friend differently than how you represent them here. Have you considered what or how you may have explained the situation? Is there something in your explanation that could be misconstrued, or triggers some vulnerability in her? Of you like her, this is a good prompt to explore. If you don't like her, this is as good an excuse as any to leave.
Even without going to a counselor for guidance in a process like this, you can find all sorts of resources online or at the library. There are tons of YouTube videos on, like, "how a couples counselor helps people discuss a difficult subject." But, again, resolving conflict and clearing up miscommunication are how relationships grow and mature. You have to want that to happen, though, and take active steps to make that happen with them involved.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 8:22 AM on July 26, 2020 [15 favorites]
what if you asked her questions about what is underlying her fear?
I came to say this. You don't say much about the overall quality of your relationship with your girlfriend, but if things are good overall and controlling behaviour hasn't been an issue otherwise, it would be worth having a discussion about what is bothering her in this particular situation.
For example, in your question, you say that you talk to your friend "once every 2-3 weeks or months." Every two weeks and every three months are very different levels of connection. Even though I support my partner's female friendships and want him to maintain them, I might be taken aback if he told me he talked to someone a few times a year and I then found out they were actually having long and intimate conversations every two weeks. I'd also be concerned about the quality of our relationship if he was sharing a lot with the friend that he was not sharing with me.
Even if she does have legitimate worries, polling her friends on your behaviour is not cool either. Is she going to call a referendum and then try to shame you with the results every time she doesn't like something? That's something else you might want to discuss.
If there's nothing else underlying this, I agree with the other commenters that this is controlling behaviour that does not bode well for a happy future together.
posted by rpfields at 8:31 AM on July 26, 2020 [3 favorites]
I came to say this. You don't say much about the overall quality of your relationship with your girlfriend, but if things are good overall and controlling behaviour hasn't been an issue otherwise, it would be worth having a discussion about what is bothering her in this particular situation.
For example, in your question, you say that you talk to your friend "once every 2-3 weeks or months." Every two weeks and every three months are very different levels of connection. Even though I support my partner's female friendships and want him to maintain them, I might be taken aback if he told me he talked to someone a few times a year and I then found out they were actually having long and intimate conversations every two weeks. I'd also be concerned about the quality of our relationship if he was sharing a lot with the friend that he was not sharing with me.
Even if she does have legitimate worries, polling her friends on your behaviour is not cool either. Is she going to call a referendum and then try to shame you with the results every time she doesn't like something? That's something else you might want to discuss.
If there's nothing else underlying this, I agree with the other commenters that this is controlling behaviour that does not bode well for a happy future together.
posted by rpfields at 8:31 AM on July 26, 2020 [3 favorites]
A lot of answers assume this happened because she thinks you shouldn't have a female friend. Is that what you assume too? Because you shouldn't be assuming anything, and luckily, unlike us, you don't have to. You can find out for yourself by talking to her.
I have friends of all genders, and I've seen friends of all genders interact with their friends of all genders in ways that I would or would not be OK with if they were my partner, for a rich spectrum of reasons. Often those friends' actual partners don't mind the things that would bother me, and vice versa. For example, deep emotional intimacy among friends doesn't bother me at all, even mild flirting. But sometimes a deeper crush or attraction is painfully apparent and that's a little uncomfortable. But that's me—I know couples who talk openly about their crushes and have fun with it.
What I'm trying to say, I suppose, is that while it's easy for us to say "of course it's OK for you to talk to your friend," there aren't universally agreed-upon rules about the nuances of how partnered people interact with their other friends. Each couple has to work it out for themselves, unless they're so far apart about it fundamentally that the relationship can't work out. A lot of the time you don't know your lines are in different places until someone accidentally crosses one.
posted by lampoil at 8:46 AM on July 26, 2020 [11 favorites]
I have friends of all genders, and I've seen friends of all genders interact with their friends of all genders in ways that I would or would not be OK with if they were my partner, for a rich spectrum of reasons. Often those friends' actual partners don't mind the things that would bother me, and vice versa. For example, deep emotional intimacy among friends doesn't bother me at all, even mild flirting. But sometimes a deeper crush or attraction is painfully apparent and that's a little uncomfortable. But that's me—I know couples who talk openly about their crushes and have fun with it.
What I'm trying to say, I suppose, is that while it's easy for us to say "of course it's OK for you to talk to your friend," there aren't universally agreed-upon rules about the nuances of how partnered people interact with their other friends. Each couple has to work it out for themselves, unless they're so far apart about it fundamentally that the relationship can't work out. A lot of the time you don't know your lines are in different places until someone accidentally crosses one.
posted by lampoil at 8:46 AM on July 26, 2020 [11 favorites]
A few questions I have:
Is your relationship otherwise pretty awesome?
Why was she demanding to see your texts in the first place--there does seem to be some duplicity on your part--she thought you communicated less than what she learned from checking?
Did you ever have a romantic relationship with your friend?
Does your girlfriend tend to create conflict and drama in other areas of life?
I think it is okay for a male person in a relationship to maintain a friendship with an old female friend. There are people who would not be accepting based on church teachings or whatever. This does not sound like that is in play here, it sounds like you are involved with a jealous and immature person, at best.
Of course, I’m making a lot of assumptions from the original question. Good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 9:31 AM on July 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
Is your relationship otherwise pretty awesome?
Why was she demanding to see your texts in the first place--there does seem to be some duplicity on your part--she thought you communicated less than what she learned from checking?
Did you ever have a romantic relationship with your friend?
Does your girlfriend tend to create conflict and drama in other areas of life?
I think it is okay for a male person in a relationship to maintain a friendship with an old female friend. There are people who would not be accepting based on church teachings or whatever. This does not sound like that is in play here, it sounds like you are involved with a jealous and immature person, at best.
Of course, I’m making a lot of assumptions from the original question. Good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 9:31 AM on July 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
How long have you been in this relationship? Has it generally been a good relationship? Have you always or almost always acted honorably and been trustworthy in this relationship? Do you love her and does she love you?
My gut feeling is that you being a bit selective about the facts and the overall narrative with us. If that is characteristic of how you are managing this dispute with her, you should be aware that relationships aren't a court where you get a verdict and someone wins or loses and then they have to abide by it. You have a problem that you need to solve, which is that your girlfriend doesn't trust you. You need to work together with her in a spirit of full cooperation to regain her trust, or you need to break up with her. It's not the kind of thing that you can lawyer your way through in a mutually satisfying way in the medium term.
posted by Kwine at 10:36 AM on July 26, 2020 [6 favorites]
My gut feeling is that you being a bit selective about the facts and the overall narrative with us. If that is characteristic of how you are managing this dispute with her, you should be aware that relationships aren't a court where you get a verdict and someone wins or loses and then they have to abide by it. You have a problem that you need to solve, which is that your girlfriend doesn't trust you. You need to work together with her in a spirit of full cooperation to regain her trust, or you need to break up with her. It's not the kind of thing that you can lawyer your way through in a mutually satisfying way in the medium term.
posted by Kwine at 10:36 AM on July 26, 2020 [6 favorites]
I am LOLing at all the responses here that boil down to "dump this person for having an emotional response to something in life, based solely on one paragraph." Good lord, people.
The issue isn't her emotions, it's about her instinct to control the OP. OP, your GF is in the wrong when it comes to controlling your friendships. That's something that's reasonable for you to act upon. In terms of what you do, maybe this is where the buck stops.
That said, she's necessarily wrong for having a problem with your relationship with her not having the emotional connection that you might have with your friends. That's the case even if that lack of emotional intimacy is (mostly) a result of her behaviour. She expects emotional primacy in a relationship, but she's trying to get at it in the wrong way altogether. If there weren't other issues at play, either with her or with you, she probably would have tried to handle this without going towards a boundary-crossing nuclear option like telling you not to have female friends. Just because she expects to be your emotional go-to doesn't mean that she's entitled to that, and if she fundamentally doesn't understand that then there's not much that you can do beyond DTMFAing.
If - and that's a big if - you think she can retreat from being controlling and you actually could see yourself being closer with her under other circumstances, then maybe don't dump her. But in this scenario you two would both have to get really next-level honest with yourselves about whether you're interested in and capable of giving each other what they want.
posted by blerghamot at 12:16 PM on July 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
The issue isn't her emotions, it's about her instinct to control the OP. OP, your GF is in the wrong when it comes to controlling your friendships. That's something that's reasonable for you to act upon. In terms of what you do, maybe this is where the buck stops.
That said, she's necessarily wrong for having a problem with your relationship with her not having the emotional connection that you might have with your friends. That's the case even if that lack of emotional intimacy is (mostly) a result of her behaviour. She expects emotional primacy in a relationship, but she's trying to get at it in the wrong way altogether. If there weren't other issues at play, either with her or with you, she probably would have tried to handle this without going towards a boundary-crossing nuclear option like telling you not to have female friends. Just because she expects to be your emotional go-to doesn't mean that she's entitled to that, and if she fundamentally doesn't understand that then there's not much that you can do beyond DTMFAing.
If - and that's a big if - you think she can retreat from being controlling and you actually could see yourself being closer with her under other circumstances, then maybe don't dump her. But in this scenario you two would both have to get really next-level honest with yourselves about whether you're interested in and capable of giving each other what they want.
posted by blerghamot at 12:16 PM on July 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
We made peace a couple days after but lately she's been bringing up again, saying that she asked everyone and they all said what I did was wrong.
"That's interesting, but I've made it pretty clear that I disagree. I haven't done anything wrong, I have nothing to hide, and I'm not going to stop talking to my friend. What should we do for dinner tonight?"
posted by some little punk in a rocket at 8:38 PM on July 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
"That's interesting, but I've made it pretty clear that I disagree. I haven't done anything wrong, I have nothing to hide, and I'm not going to stop talking to my friend. What should we do for dinner tonight?"
posted by some little punk in a rocket at 8:38 PM on July 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
It always comes as a shock to me when I realise/remember that there are people on this earth who genuinely believe that you can't have a platonic relationship with someone of your preferred gender.
The most jarring and kind of hilarious problem I have with this is that I am bisexual... so does that mean I don't get to have any friends at all?!
But whoever you fancy and whoever and however many people you have sex with, for me it ought to be irrelevant.
It sort of feels to me like the people who say you can't do it are projecting - "well, I can't do it for reasons I've never done the work to explore (trauma? bi or poly and in denial? I am cheating on you and can't imagine you won't do the same to me if you get the chance?) so why should anyone else be able to?".
posted by greenish at 2:20 AM on July 27, 2020 [2 favorites]
The most jarring and kind of hilarious problem I have with this is that I am bisexual... so does that mean I don't get to have any friends at all?!
But whoever you fancy and whoever and however many people you have sex with, for me it ought to be irrelevant.
It sort of feels to me like the people who say you can't do it are projecting - "well, I can't do it for reasons I've never done the work to explore (trauma? bi or poly and in denial? I am cheating on you and can't imagine you won't do the same to me if you get the chance?) so why should anyone else be able to?".
posted by greenish at 2:20 AM on July 27, 2020 [2 favorites]
Sorry I posted that, then missed my edit window to add - my point being, she might be one of the above people, who has been patiently waiting for you to end all friendships with the opposite gender assuming you wouldn't want them anymore or something.
It's wild to me that this is a thing but you might need to dig into it, figure out if she really believes this, and see if she'll do the work on her own or with a therapist to unpick why.
posted by greenish at 2:28 AM on July 27, 2020 [2 favorites]
It's wild to me that this is a thing but you might need to dig into it, figure out if she really believes this, and see if she'll do the work on her own or with a therapist to unpick why.
posted by greenish at 2:28 AM on July 27, 2020 [2 favorites]
The jealous ones are ALWAYS cheating on you. DTMFI(mmediately), move on, and def. go get an STD check. Jealousy should be like the #1 red flag for people in relationships. It is a sign they don't trust you, because they themselves are untrustworthy, and they have no concept of 'trust'. These creeps are shockingly numerous.
posted by sexyrobot at 6:57 AM on July 27, 2020
posted by sexyrobot at 6:57 AM on July 27, 2020
You are not wrong. I never done this to a partner of mine and I wouldn't let my partner restrict me like that either
posted by confusedconfused at 5:20 PM on July 27, 2020
posted by confusedconfused at 5:20 PM on July 27, 2020
You've only been dating this person two or three weeks? They're already getting controlling and trying to separate you from your friends and support systems.
Though, some people consider it to be a normal and ordinary thing to not have any friends of a different gender than your own, and will view people who are just friends as being romantic partners of yours based on their gender. it's usually best for such people to date others who feel the same way, or they will be having continual arguments with their romantic partners over friendships.
posted by yohko at 6:44 AM on July 28, 2020
Though, some people consider it to be a normal and ordinary thing to not have any friends of a different gender than your own, and will view people who are just friends as being romantic partners of yours based on their gender. it's usually best for such people to date others who feel the same way, or they will be having continual arguments with their romantic partners over friendships.
posted by yohko at 6:44 AM on July 28, 2020
« Older How to get funding for homeschoolers during Covid? | How do I turn an indoor picture outdoor. Photoshop... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
Maybe she's jealous because the content reflects a level of trust you don't have with her, which is something to reflect on, as your partner should probably know pretty much most of the content you are talking about. But, this is a red flag that she doesn't accept you having normal, healthy social relationships. Like it's okay to have people of the gender(s) you date who you go to lunch with,, or chat about your problems with. Or call to catch up with every once in awhile.
This is something I would concider breaking up with someone over. It's also something to reflect on what she feels is missing in your relationship, because this screams jealously to me. What about the content of those texts is she so uncomfortable with? Your honesty? The communication style? That it was just somebody else? It might help you both figure out out, if you want to try something different to strengthen your relationship..
Good luck.
posted by AlexiaSky at 11:07 PM on July 25, 2020 [67 favorites]