I tried to have conversations, but all I get are jokes
January 27, 2025 12:52 PM   Subscribe

I have known this person for a while, and I am constantly frustrated by my inability to have a real conversation with them. All I get are a quick clever jokes, and I’m really tired of it. I try not to feed the jokes, but change the subject or not respond. I don’t know how to have a genuine conversation with them. I guess this is about trust and comfort, and I need to earn more. But at this point, I just don’t care to engage but briefly. And I’m afraid that might show.
posted by ebesan to Human Relations (23 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
Can you clarify what your question is?
posted by BlahLaLa at 12:59 PM on January 27 [11 favorites]


Some people are either incapable of or uninterested in having deeper conversations because of their own damage.

Some people may be uninterested in having specific deeper conversations about specific subjects with you because they suspect or know you will not like their opinions.

The truth probably less somewhere in between those two. Have you tried having a deeper conversation about this issue and if so, what did they say?
posted by jacquilynne at 1:01 PM on January 27 [4 favorites]


Generally, humans mirror each other. Obviously people also have their own preferred frequencies, but if you want someone to go deep with you, the best way is to lead the way by first going deep yourself. It's certainly possible they just aren't interested in opening up, but the first step is try being vulnerable first. But also maybe you just aren't well matched as friends.
posted by coffeecat at 1:07 PM on January 27 [2 favorites]


It sounds like you want something from them that they are not willingly giving.

Personally I would not be inclined to push the issue. Maybe they’re giving me exactly what they want to give. I could imagine the opposite askme “I have this friend who keeps trying to get personal but I don’t want to; what should I do?”

I have a friend who I suspect has a deep side but mostly is superficial. I’ve seen a glimpse here and there but that’s it and after years I realized I think they want it that way. I still care about them a great deal and just take it as it is.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:26 PM on January 27 [25 favorites]


Your question is a microcosm of the issue. You write a few sentences without getting to detailed and never ask a specific question. Perhaps if you opened up more, you would get more if that is what you want.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 1:27 PM on January 27 [18 favorites]


Who is this person to you? Is it an optional or semi-optional relationship, like a distant relative or neighbor? If so, stop trying to get them to be different.

Is this a parent, child, boss, coworker, or friend? Then you might need different strategies, but also consider that trying to get them to be different is a fool's errand.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:30 PM on January 27 [2 favorites]


I lost a friend over this some time ago—well, I made the decision to end the friendship. Everything was a joke to him, and even when I said, "I need to talk to you about something serious, please don't make jokes," he wasn't able (or willing, if there's a difference) to do it. I wanted something more from him, as I cared about him a lot. I wanted to know him better and be known by him, and he consistently blocked intimacy using jokes as his method. That wasn't what I wanted from him, so I let the friendship drop.

In other circumstances, I might maintain a relationship with a friend like this, but adjust my expectations, looking elsewhere for depth and intimacy, if I were able to enjoy spending time with this person on their terms. I've had friends like that. But any attempt to change a person like this has always failed.
posted by Well I never at 2:01 PM on January 27 [5 favorites]


It sounds like this person is either unable or unwilling to engage at the same level you’re wanting to engage.

If your change in feelings shows, then it shows. It’s human and from your description it’s not as if you’re being rude or unkind, just engaging at a different level.
posted by bunderful at 2:27 PM on January 27 [3 favorites]


Have you considered that they may not want to have a genuine conversation with you?
posted by moosetracks at 2:30 PM on January 27 [10 favorites]


This question makes very little sense and has very little context, but I'll give it a shot: Is it possible that by not responding to any of their jokes like a normal person would - like not even a freakin' polite pity laugh - they think you're kind of stuffy, weird, take yourself too seriously, don't like them, and are either continuing to try and break through your ice? They could also be joking as a defense mechanism from having to talk to you, which from what you are describing sounds like a fairly awkward scenario.

I'm not saying you have to force laugh at anyone's unfunny jokes here, but if you are genuinely interested in future conversations with this person and getting to know them aka you don't outright hate them why not just practice saying "ha ha...totally. No, but seriously [repeat question you asked] - I really am interested in [broader topic you want to discuss]!"
posted by windbox at 2:42 PM on January 27 [4 favorites]


They're just not that into you.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:15 PM on January 27 [4 favorites]


You seem to have a rigid dichotomy in your head where "quick clever jokes" are diametrically opposed to "real" and "genuine," but joking through conversations is actually an authentic mode of interaction for a lot of people, especially in certain cultures (e.g., I'm a New York Jew and that's pretty much how I operate). I agree with other commenters who have suggested that refusing to engage with the jokes might actually be conveying the opposite of your intended message, which is that you're not interested in communicating in a genuine way with this person.
posted by telegraph at 3:50 PM on January 27 [12 favorites]


I don't think there's anything you can do. Some people really are just like this. There is no way you can change someone's core way of relating.
I had a romantic interest like this when I was younger. The banter was so much fun and there was so much energy between us! There was real chemistry. For a few weeks it was amazing. I felt like I was in an old movie with clever back and forth all the time. But.. they could never get past the banter, they never responded to my attempts to guide us along to the next level. After a while I accepted this relationship as a fun, bantering flirtatious friendship and looked elsewhere for more genuine contact.
I'm guessing it's not you, it's them. Don't keep trying to make someone different, it won't work. Enjoy the clever jokes as long as you enjoy them, and look elsewhere for emotional depth.
posted by ponie at 4:10 PM on January 27 [2 favorites]


I've known a couple people who seem to act this way with everyone--changing the subject to something light and joke-y if someone brings up a serious topic, brushing off attempts to engage in earnest conversation, etc. In those cases, I've concluded it's probably a defense mechanism protecting some psychological wound/vulnerability and not something I could get them to see or do anything about. If they came to a place of both trusting me and wanting to develop our relationship, I could make myself available, but it was going to happen on their terms or not at all. Unless there is some kind of developmental or cognitive disability, there is nothing for you to do other than be kind and respect their limits. If you don't want to engage beyond pleasantries, that seems appropriate. What they want from a social interaction, and what you want are two different things, so you're both served by pursuing social connections elsewhere. Keeping your interactions brief is a way of respecting their implicit boundaries and managing your resentment.
posted by theotherdurassister at 4:15 PM on January 27 [4 favorites]


I wish we had more context, but I think the other person jokes in response because they don’t want a deeper conversation. Sometimes, if they’re not interested in discussing a topic, they might use humor to change the subject. If it feels like you're disengaging or getting tired, that’s okay—it happens. Conversations are two-way, and if they’re not willing to open up, you won’t get what you’re hoping for unless they allow it.
posted by liza97 at 5:43 PM on January 27 [1 favorite]


I’m pretty sure you’re not actually talking about me, but you might as well be. I’d like to say it’s not a defense mechanism, but I do have to admit I don’t let people in right away in any circumstance. Some of the joke reflex is that I literally have trouble turning it off (admittedly, this is bad for my personal relationships and I’m working on it), and sometimes I’m just not willing to invest the effort and deal with the consequences if I step in it. I also find loud parties really fatiguing, and I run out of spoons since I have to work really hard to pick out individual voices and it wears me out. So I might deflect people then just because I couldn’t sustain a conversation if I tried.

If you’re talking to me the way to get me to drop it (as much as I can) is to ask me about it. If I’m still wary I’ll probably deflect, and the conversation probably won’t go anywhere productive. OTOH if you seem genuine and I’m not at my social or noise limit, I might drop some defenses. I don’t know how true any of that is for the person who’s vexing you.
posted by fedward at 5:53 PM on January 27


You mention that you are afraid to let your frustration show, but I think this is a crucial step for you in finding out if the relationship is capable of getting off the laugh track to something deeper. You can broach the issue and see if they are open to having a conversation without a humor focused style. If they aren't willing to do that, you need to accept that as a limitation of the relationship.

People use humor for a lot of different reasons. There have been a lot of great replies above. Some other dynamics I haven't seen touched on:

Stay in control of the emotional tone of the conversation and keep it restricted.

Desperate to show off how brilliant they are and you are their audience.

Get self esteem from performing and need to be the center of attention.

Condescending; think the listening party is in some way beneath them, and hamstring any attempt to contribute something meaningful to the conversation.

There's a staggering number of reasons people use humor in social dynamics. The only way you're sure to move forward is to let them know it's frustrating for you. Good luck.
posted by effluvia at 5:59 PM on January 27


This person does not want to have a non-jokey convo with you. There's no way to force it. Perhaps if you spent a bit more time together on a walk or a train ride they would relax enough to stop joking, but they might also just being trying hard to keep things light and it could be a tad mean of you to try to burst their jokey bubble.
posted by jello at 7:42 PM on January 27 [1 favorite]


You're not "matching energy" as the kids say. Either they build relationships by joking, and you are blocking that, or they deflect relationships by joking, and you're blocking that.

People don't owe you any specific type of relationship or interaction, but if you are the one who is dissatisfied with what you have, then you've to be the one to match. I would tell them the same if they were here and discontented.
posted by Iteki at 11:22 PM on January 27 [3 favorites]


As a last ditch effort, have you tried talking to them about how it bums you out when you're trying to be serious and they just go on joking? How you feel x when they do y?

I mean, either they crack ANOTHER joke, in which case: answer. Or they let you know why they prefer humor, so you understand them better and vice versa.

I had a new friend who used a lot of playful ribbing and I wasn't used to that. One day I got upset about one of his digs, he apologised and explained how he meant it...and that conversation made it easier to get used to each others' style.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:56 AM on January 28


Is this your art museum person?

If it is, then the fact that you haven't managed to get them to adopt your preferred conversational style in two and a half years says to me that you now have two options for getting beyond this impasse: (a) accept them as they are (b) stop hanging out with them.

Of those, (a) is the one with the best chance of establishing anything resembling real communication and (b) is the one with the best chance of making irritation stop quickly. So work out which matters more to you and choose accordingly.
posted by flabdablet at 4:37 AM on January 28 [7 favorites]


I understood your question. As someone who kind of does this, it’s fine to ask them to stop for a bit, because it does ruin the ability to connect if it’s endless. I would tell them you would like to have a straightforward conversation. If they agree and try to settle down, but reverting to joking, you can point out what they’re doing. And then let the mood lighten again. If they decline your request for an earnest conversation then you should just spend less time with them.
posted by michaelh at 4:18 PM on January 29


Is this your art museum person?

And if this is not the art museum person, then you should do some interior reflection b/c if you're having this issue with at least two people in your life, then a) maybe you aren't doing the best job of finding compatible people to get close to, or b) maybe there is something about how you interact with people that leads to this dynamic that you should examine further.
posted by litera scripta manet at 2:20 PM on January 31


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