How to not be bored to tears visiting parents I love

April 25, 2022 11:56 PM

My parents are cool people who do interesting things... so why don't we talk about them? They seldom ask about me, and when I try to talk, I'm interrupted until I shut down. After a particularly awful last visit, I decided to make a list of talk topics. Only I'm struggling to think of things that aren't repeats I dread. Help! What other things could we talk about? What can I try to be more interesting/not get talked over/not give up when I am? How can I reframe my thoughts about the same stories so I'm not as bored?

I went from living 30 mins away to 12 hours away in 2019. I see them about twice a year, but this was a problem when I was seeing them once a month.

Me: mid 30's, ADHD, chronically depressed, low level low paying job, no relationships (lots of cats!), few hobbies or activities, am feel like a massive failure at life.

Them: 70's, really active lives and hobbies in retirement. Dad restores cars and plays guitar and heads the astronomy club. He's having mobility issues and cannot walk around for more than ten minutes at a time. Mom gardens and is involved in rock/craft/nature clubs/volunteers, but is a technophobe and extremely sensitive (last visit I asked that she not wash my dishes-that needed special care-without asking first, and spent the next few hours getting 'am I allowed to get a mug? Can I use the microwave?' etc.). Both are big readers, though completely difference genres than me.

I think they're really cool, interesting people involved in neat things, full of awesome stories about things they did when younger and quite wild, and I really don't mind hearing those stories again and again.

But every time we visit... the repeated stories are about dr appts or the car breaking down or weather or someone who died. I struggle to think of things to say about my life, and when I do, I'm quickly interrupted to get back to all about them. There's seldom any sort of further questions about anything I bring up; it just feels like they don't have any interest in me, and I already feel pretty boring. By the second day, I've just sort of shut down. They also have significant hearing loss they refuse to acknowledge, so simple talking is difficult at times (and the tv is LOUD).

We have very little in common anymore, but I still have some interests I think we could talk about – if I can be interested in a book I'll never read just because my mom is passionate about it, why is my passion about a movie they'll never watch too boring to stand? I enjoy listening to people ramble about something they love, but always feel I'm annoying when I do so. We do share political views, but dear lord that gets depressing to talk about. There are only so many cat stories to share!

There are also large, important areas of my life that I don't talk to them about and don't know how to? They think ADHD is a fad diagnosis for hyper boys, so that's out. I collect elaborate enamel pins, but it's a waste of money. I'm super proud and passionate about my (popular wtf!) writing, but it's Extremely problematic gay smut. (I don't think they'd judge, just... wow, awkward?)

The funny/sad thing is they used to complain about visiting Grandma in her 90's, because she couldn't hear and only talked about health and people they didn't know who had died. Which is exactly what they've started doing! D:

I love them dearly and wish we could go back to when we talked about everything and I considered them my best friends, but I don't know how to get there. I don't even know where to start. I'd settle for just not dreading visits and not feeling like the worst daughter in the world.

posted by unsettledink to Human Relations (23 answers total)

I see two issues here.

1) How to get your parents to be more interesting/actually talk about the things you already find interesting about them: You say they did adventurous things in their past, so that might be worth exploring in more detail. You could even do that in a somewhat structured way, filling out together one of those gift books that give people prompts to reminiscence. I gave my aunt a Storyworth-subscription for Christmas and that has really proved a gift that keeps on giving.

2) How to get your parents to be more interested in you: I feel you, my parents are chronically unimpressed by my pursuits as well. They're sad they didn't get grandkids, and while they find my career acceptable, they also find it fairly unglamorous. (I became a teacher like my mum, so whenever I feel like complaining about the workload, I get to hear "Well I did all that, _ and_ had to run a household for 4 people"). At this point I've given up all efforts to impress them and revel in the knowledge that I obviously don't need to. I haven't particularly impressed them in years, and they love me anway and had and will always have my back when the shit truly hits the fan. When I want to feel interesting, witty, charismatic (which I do occasionally! I really sometimes depend on a bit of external validation), I go look for someone else to talk to. Letting go of a need to impress parents is the most liberating feeling ever. (I'm of course not entirely above it - this year I managed to make hot cross buns for Easter, which actually did earn me some praise from mum, who doesn't like baking with yeast - and I'll be riding that high till Christmas, probably).
posted by sohalt at 2:08 AM on April 26, 2022 [11 favorites]

Some of this rings true for me as someone who lives thousands of miles from my parents.

One thing I have done lately is that when I sense a segue to one of the old stories is coming on ("I remember when you were 5 and your brother was just born and we came back from the hospital...") instead of fighting it and trying to stay in the modern day, I go with it, I embrace the time machine. We are back in 1980. OK. I try to think of it like Jake Gyllenhaal in The Source Code, he's plunged into this simulation of the past that gives him this temporary window for finding out more, poking into previously unseen corners of this train he is on. Likewise I try to steer the conversation in tangents that will shed light on other parts of our 1980 life that I haven't heard about a million times. It's been working pretty well and even led me to a whole new avenue of family history research, but I know not everyone is into that.

Like in sohalt's response, I've found that it's maybe helpful to break off as separate the issue that it's hard to keep my dad interested in, like, my neighborhood today or what things are like for us in the 21st century. Pretty much all roads lead back to WW2.
posted by johngoren at 2:14 AM on April 26, 2022 [8 favorites]

It's tough when we want to connect with loved ones but words don't seem to bridge the divide (anymore). May I suggest that instead of conversation topics, you think of things to do together? Because conversation often flows more naturally as we interact with each other and a deeper connection is more easily felt.

Ideas from my interactions with older relatives:
* Going for a walk together
* Visiting a nearby park or botanical garden
* Helping out in the garden
* Cooking a favorite dish together or baking a cake
* Playing simple, old-school games such as cards
* Looking at family picture albums and having them tell the stories again
* Getting one of those books that record family or personal history and interviewing them
* Listen to favorite music together
* Sorting through some stuff (e.g. books, dishes, clothes) and seeing what they might be ready to pass on or give away [this might be a can of worms, proceed with caution]
* Little physical gestures such as pats on the back or a quick rub, a touch on the arm or hand or a nice hug often ease tensions and restore harmony

Sending you empathy and encouragement!
posted by Fallbala at 2:25 AM on April 26, 2022 [30 favorites]

I think it's natural there's awkwardness here. You moved away from your hometown, and have different interests, so you and your parents drifted apart. Same as the old gang from high school can drift apart.

You can go two ways with this.

One is acceptance. Have conversations about car trouble and who died, see the boredom as sort of a Love Tax. Assume your parents pay a love tax when you talk about cats. Extend grace. Bond in the ways all of you are comfortable.

Option two is to make an attempt of some sort to bridge gaps. Since you're a writer, can you adapt those skills to marking down some family lore? Years ago I gathered up family recipes and the stories behind them for a family cookbook, which was a big hit.
posted by champers at 3:36 AM on April 26, 2022 [7 favorites]

This is such a hallmark of aging! Probably some brain changes involved.

With my older relatives I bring documentaries about subjects they like and play them on mute. Seeing the images sparks conversation.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 3:55 AM on April 26, 2022 [7 favorites]

if I can be interested in a book I'll never read just because my mom is passionate about it, why is my passion about a movie they'll never watch too boring to stand?

Because that time has passed. When you were a child, your world was very, very small and you wanted to talk endlessly about dinosaurs or American Girl dolls or whatever childhood topic your parents had no interest in, but they entertained those conversations and did not expect you to reciprocate with conversation about astronomy and rock gardening.

Then, for a large chunk of your adulthood, you were able to converse on a more peer-like level.

Now their worlds are smaller, and so are their conversational interests. Years ago a car repair might have been something that happened and was mentioned in passing, but now it is the Topic of the Day. They are not your peers anymore; they are aging, and they require a lot of unreciprocated energy, just like you did in childhood.

Honestly, if your mom is still passionate about a book she wants to talk to you about, rather than a diatribe about how they just don't grow tomatoes the way they used to, you are winning.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:59 AM on April 26, 2022 [58 favorites]

My dad much preferred to tell stories over having conversations. And he had stories, when he was drafted to the war, growing up on a farm without electricity but with a dozen siblings, that crazy On The Road-like road trip one summer with his best friend, courting my mother… all the memories he loved told so often I thought I could repeat them verbatim.

But he’s been gone 20 years and now I struggle to remember his stories. When I get together with my sibs, and someone references one of his stories, there’s always one of us who has forgotten that story completely.

I guess what I’m saying is they’re giving you their favorite memories. They won’t always. Listen and hold on to them.
posted by Ookseer at 5:14 AM on April 26, 2022 [2 favorites]

Idk if it's just confirmation bias, but it seems like everyone I know and a lot of people I encounter online have parents just like this (if not worse). I think that folks from their generation are often very emotionally immature, selfish people who see their children as extensions of themselves and not as people in our own right. And cognitive decline from aging is not helping.

I had to cut off all contact with my parents eventually because it just got too exhausting, but while I was still up for tolerating them, I essentially treated them like I would a cranky child or surly teenager: acknowledge and validate feelings, try to engage with them about their interests, or leave them alone if they are too grumpy to have a pleasant interaction with.

Best of luck. It sounds like there is genuine love in your family, and that can often make up for a lot.
posted by ananci at 5:50 AM on April 26, 2022 [9 favorites]

They are your direct link to family history. Ask how they met, what attracted them to each other, about their parents, etc. It's your chance to understand them better, which can help you understand how they parented you, what they gave you genetically, etc.

Ask for advice. We're geezers, but we've seen a lot. I always ask people for advice; some of it is terrible, some pointless, but there's some gold that's been of great use. Plus, people love giving it.

When my aunt, who was going deaf and didn't deal with it, would go off on a story I'd heard way too many times, I'd step right into it, interrupt blatantly, and ask a question about something I knew would interest her. Worked pretty well. She's be startled, but I think she liked thinking about something new and I learned more about my family..

You have lots to gain and not much to lose by being honest. Mom sounds so prickly, but still, ask them if they are really interested in hearing about your life. Tell them it doesn't seem like they want to hear about what interests you. Ask if they've had their hearing tested. It'll shake things up. My kid doesn't share their life much, and I really do listen. Your parents underappreciate you.

Please ask your next question about how to find more thing in life that make you happy; you deserve it.
posted by theora55 at 6:20 AM on April 26, 2022 [5 favorites]

A lot of the answers in here read pretty ageist to me. Maybe you’ve already tried this, but have you tried pretty assertively changing the subject to things you want to talk about? “Dad, I’m glad you told me about your kidney function test. It’s good the doctors are being so thorough. Now I want to hear all about astronomy club. What did you do at the last meeting?”

“Mom, tell me all about craft circle. What was the last thing you made?” They may feel awkward about sharing their interests with you, may figure they’re old and stodgy and boring and won’t interest you.

If you interview them on something you all enjoy and it goes well, then you can try saying “Oh, that was so fun to hear about garden club. Now it’s my turn. Can you ask me some questions about my life for awhile?”

This one might be harder. It sounds like they don’t have an awesome track record of responding in ways that make you feel heard or cared about, so you might be (understandably) defensive and on edge trying to be more vulnerable with them, while they’re awkwardly fumbling for something to ask. But if you want to be more seen by them it’s worth a (gentle, self compassionate) try. Try telling them about your fan fic — you could ask them something like, “what’s a fun fact about you that I probably don’t know?” And then reciprocate with “Bet you’d never guess that *I’m* famous on the internet for writing gay smut!” Then laugh. If they ask questions, great! If not, well, oh well, you tried.

Connecting with people you love but have tired old patterns with is super hard, especially when they’re your parents and you wish they’d do the work to see you. You’re doing great, it’s just hard.
posted by shadygrove at 6:29 AM on April 26, 2022 [17 favorites]

I just want to chime in and say I can see a lot of this in my relationship with my mom too. We'll have phone calls where she just talks and talks and it doesn't seem to matter if I say anything at all. It's hard not to think "Don't you care about what happened during my week?" and I do feel exhausted by the end of the phone call when that happens.

And I say that without personally having perceived negative things about my life - she doesn't disapprove of my lifestyle or anything. So I think that part of your question isn't necessarily related to why your parents have become like this. I agree with the suggestion of trying to find more things to do when you're visiting them, rather than trying to redirect every conversation.
posted by wondermouse at 6:32 AM on April 26, 2022 [6 favorites]

Also, ask Mom to do a craft with you or work in the garden with her. Ask Dad to show you what's in the heavens tonight or ask him to teach you some beginner chords.
posted by theora55 at 6:37 AM on April 26, 2022

Before he died, my dad was like this as well. To be fair, he was like this way before his stroke and hearing problems. He was basically only into his kids to the extent that they reflected him. He called the tune until we stopped following it, and then he wasn't much interested in us.

We lived far apart and toward the end of his life, I saw him twice a year. In Al-Anon (and maybe in ACA/Dysfunctional Families as well, I don't know) a popular slogan is Awareness, Acceptance, Action. I had been aware of his self-centered-ness for years. I worked to accept him as he was and also accept that he was never going to approve of me exactly as I am. Then I tried to act in a way that protected both of us (of course not being able to do that perfectly).

I also kept in mind that my dad, like my mother-in-law before him, wanted to do most of the talking precisely because neither of them knew what the hell was going on otherwise. If you can't hear worth a damn, then you may do most of the talking because at least you know what's going on. In practice, for us, that meant:

* Listening to the same stories over and over again.
* Asking about aspects of his past that interested me.
* Bringing up current news topics (that I already knew interested him)
* Mentioning one thing about myself that he might find interesting. If he didn't bite, I did not push it.
* Scheduling lots of time for myself such as walks around the block (no kidding, that guy lived in a terrible place for pedestrians so just to stay sane I would do laps around the WalMart across the street), listening to favorite podcasts, etc.
* Limiting exposure. In the end, I could manage 40 minutes tops, then I would go find a chore (when he was still at home) or go visit the vending machine (when he was in a nursing home). If I could only manage 20 minutes, that was okay too.
* Finding an activity (as recommended) we could do together. The only thing that worked was playing single solitaire together. We took turns playing a hand and helping each other find moves we had missed.

My dad loved me, I loved him but that did not obligate me to suffer more than necessary. I was dumbstruck at the Al-Anon meeting where I heard for the first time in my life that I didn't owe my parents anything because I did not ask to be born. I get that perspective is a very Western perspective that does not work for many people. It was a lifeline for me, however, because it made it possible for me to consider my needs first, which my dad had never, ever done, not even when I was a child. But as an adult, I am actually responsible for my own needs. I am not obligated to sacrifice my mental health for my dad.

Lemme tell you, that was big breaking news to me. It ended up helping me and my dad. Because without boundaries or guidelines or whatever, I would have stopped visiting my dad before he died just like my sisters did. Instead, I could continue to be a part of his life in a way that worked for me.

feel like a massive failure at life
OP, that is so so sucky. I used to be in that place as well. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 6:37 AM on April 26, 2022 [18 favorites]

This resonates with me. My father and I have not had a single conversation about anything I find even remotely interesting for as long as I can remember. It's not that he doesn't care about me. But he has poor social skills and he never was a good conversationalist to start out with and as his world got smaller it just got worse.

My aunt and uncle are the same age but they are active. So they have more 'news' to talk about and they were better conversationalist to start out with. So they do make a point to ask me about work and such. But still, when I go to see them I absolutely also just hang out, my aunt loves crappy puzzles on her ipad so quite often I sit next to her and help her with the clues she's struggling with or I help in the kitchen or come along to the shops or to walk the dog. Blessedly, a lot of their friends are in fairly good health but they know a lot of people and so there is also a fair bit about who's been diagnosed with what and who has died. It's when they casually drop into conversation that they have listed their home that I start to listen up and ask questions ....

When you were still living closer to them chances are this was a bit less grating for you because visits were probably much more frequent but also much shortern. Now your stays are much longer so you have to come up with different strategies.

Nthing what everybody has said about shared activities, that goes a long way. This won't be specific activities they do as hosts to entertain you but you sharing in what they do normally, even it that is cooking dinner or doing the cross word.

And absolutely ask them questions about stuff they are still interested in. Ask your father what attracted him to playing the guitar, about his favourite music, how he got into restoring cars, what he likes about the stars. Get your mother to talk about her stuff. Write down favourite family recipes etc.

And if it all gets a bit much find something to do by yourself for a bit and regroup later.
posted by koahiatamadl at 6:49 AM on April 26, 2022 [1 favorite]

I'm 50. I remember being a young adult, when my parents were my age, and hearing my parents complain about talking with their parents and how every conversation revolved around health, and who was sick and who was dying and who just died. Well, now they're rapidly approaching their 80s and guess what they have a lot to say about. And the seasons, they go 'round and 'round, and the painted ponies go up and down...

In practical terms, we tend to keep visits and phone calls brief, and when all else fails we talk about Wordle and Spelling Bee.
posted by Daily Alice at 7:22 AM on April 26, 2022 [2 favorites]

Hearing loss makes it incredibly hard to hold conversations. Other people have given great suggestions for changing perspective and engaging with your parents.

My father was resistant to getting hearing aids, but he doesn't regret it now that he has them. The first step was to get TV ears, mostly to reduce the loud TV. But it also had a side effect of highlighting just how bad his hearing loss was.

Best of luck with your relationship with your parents.
posted by Gor-ella at 7:29 AM on April 26, 2022 [4 favorites]

In the parent/child relationship, there is a slow shift in the burden of care and focus of attention from the child being completely dependent on their parent' care at first and then remaining largely the focus of their attention, and then a middle period when both sides are largely independent/interdependent , and then finally on the far side where aging parents become the focus of attention and ultimately and quite often dependent on directly physical care. It sounds like you have a generally positive and health relationship with your parents, and perhaps it would help to reframe the situation as entering a stage where it indeed becomes "all about them," which you should do your best to tolerate in large part because they made it "all about you" when you were very young. You are now in the role of supporting them emotionally in their final years (and trust me, the time between active and relatively healthy 70s and what comes after is very, very short). There is no going back to a time when things were more balanced.

Of course, reframing your roles only goes so far on a ground level. I struggle with this a lot with my neurodivergent brother and not going into every phone call with him with dread and trying to wrap it up as quickly as possible. He will launch into long one-sided rambles about movies and TV shows I'm never going to see, and frankly, I do get bored and struggle to stay tuned in when I have literally zero contribution to make to the conversation. But sometimes we have to put up with things like that in order to be supportive of our loved ones who are unable through no fault of their own to be 50/50 partners in our relationships.
posted by drlith at 7:46 AM on April 26, 2022 [8 favorites]

"Maybe you’ve already tried this, but have you tried pretty assertively changing the subject to things you want to talk about?"

I've done this, and it works (temporarily). Saying "You've told me that story already" or finishing an already-told story for them is blunt and maybe rude, but it jolts my Mom enough to get her onto another subject. Sometimes that creates an opening for me to bring up my own topic.
posted by Capt. Renault at 9:06 AM on April 26, 2022

Response by poster: Some great thoughts here already, thank you everyone! (And some comforting validation too!)

Just to touch on a few things:

The old stories are fine! I love hearing about my dad's weird living arrangements in the 70's and my mom's fabric store in the 80's for the 18th time – that storyworth thing is something I've been seriously considering, because they have done so much and are both great story tellers, and I'd hate to lose all of that when they're gone. I'm struggling to at least get them back to those instead how the washer backed up six months ago and I've heard about every month since. It's... weird, this shift. I can try being more proactive about redirecting though. (Saying I've heard something before is a no go though, Mom will sulk for hours.)

I am planning on talking pretty seriously about hearing loss this visit. They've had tests and 'know' there's loss, but don't really register how bad it is. And I think they're still thinking about hearing aids as they were back in the 90's, when they've advanced so much. I want them to be able to listen to their music and watch movies and have conversations, not get isolated and cranky with each other.

Activities are very helpful, just tricky at times. Dad's mobility makes things tricky, and they live about 40 miles from town (2k people) so going out for something is a Big Thing. We do cook and play cards and do puzzles, but honestly the conversation doesn't seem any different during? I think this visit I'm going to push for scrabble, because my mom loves it and is so good no one wants to play. I'm awful, but not competitive LOL

I think a lot of my frustration is that I do feel like they want to be interested/hear things? But their actions/responses aren't doing anything to further that, like they don't know how to show interest or ask? So I feel like there might be some extra step I could take, but I feel clueless.

I'm big on practicing active listening and improving/using conversational skills – and they're skills you can learn, not just innate things! Works great for more about them, but not the opposite, and it can get pretty exhausting after the first day. I have thought about gently pointing out the similarities to Grandma, but that feels oddly harsh?
posted by unsettledink at 9:23 AM on April 26, 2022 [3 favorites]

I think you need to separate "my parents are not interested in my stories" from "my stories are not interesting enough" and "I am not an interesting person".

The first one does NOT mean the second and third ones, even if it might feel that way. Conflating them makes everything so much more agonising for you.

1) find people who are fun to be with and chat with them more. Shore up your self esteem that way.

2) accept that your parents kinda suck at talking with you rather than at you and it's not a judgement of you. Shorten the conversations and continue steering them away from ailment talk to interesting hobbies talk, to feel less bored out of your mind.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:51 PM on April 26, 2022 [1 favorite]

Btw my father in law has this thing where he asks me about something, and just as I'm launching into the story he interrupts me to ask if anyone wants more potatoes or some random thing he just remembered or whatever. It drives me up the wall.

He does it to everyone, though.

So yes, I hear you on wanting to be interested but not knowing how.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:56 PM on April 26, 2022 [1 favorite]

Do you have any siblings/cousins/friends, or their friends, you could invite over for lunch or dinner while you're visiting? I find aging boomer parents are more fun around other people. It takes the burden of conversation off of just you too.
posted by spicytunaroll at 11:10 PM on April 26, 2022 [1 favorite]

I think it is important to remember that our parents are not our peers. They are at a different stage of life and the things that matter to them are, in many cases, inherently different than what their adult children may be focused on/interested in. It matters that their contemporaries are getting sick and dying. It matters when a household appliance goes out or something goes awry with a mundane errand. These things occupy a lot of older lives, and there is nothing wrong with that.
I would encourage you to look for the type of peer support and connection with your contemporaries and focus on trying to enjoy your people for who they are at this stage in their lives. As I am sure you know, time with them is likely to be on the shorter end rather than the long end.
posted by fies at 1:28 PM on April 27, 2022 [1 favorite]