New territory: partner with child

January 9, 2025 9:47 AM

I'm a child-free person dating a person with a 6 year old. Looking for resources (books, websites, podcasts, etc) for this new chapter, not focused on integrating lives or households, just more navigating hard conversations or issues that might come up.

We are both in our 40s. I am a child-free person, and my partner has a 6 year old from a previous partner with whom they share 50/50 custody. We've been seeing each other for almost a year, but have been taking things really very slowly, seeing each other about once a week (exclusively). I have never dated a parent before.

In the last month or so, we've taken things to the next level and have decided to be a bit more involved in each others' lives -- ie traveling, meeting parents, seeing each other more, etc -- including the recent introduction to their child. Everything has gone exceptionally well, almost blissfully well, and we feel really close to each other and hopeful for the future. The kid and I have gotten along amazing so far (have only hung out twice). We instantly clicked and it's been a lot of fun.

As of right now, I do not have a relationship with the other parent. They know I exist and are fine with me being involved with the child, but the parent relationship is a bit tense still while they've been working out co-parenting issues since they split a couple years ago. Both myself and the ex's new partner are the first to be introduced to the child. No other relationships have occurred, so it's new territory for us all.

As a child of divorce at a similar age, I have been mining the memories of how I was introduced and integrated into my parents' new relationships, and trying to be very cautious and mindful of how I approach and connect with this child. I have some negative experiences from those times that I am being very careful to not repeat (especially around feeling secondary to my parents' new relationships and feeling ignored/deprioritized).

We are not talking marriage or even moving in together at any point in the near or medium future, and definitely no kids together, but we are both feel very committed. I'm not looking for traditional 'step-parent' household integration advice because we both feel like my involvement will be minimal for a long while, maybe once or twice a month will I see the kid, and those evenings I will not be spending the night. This child is 100% partner's priority and I wouldn't want it any other way and I prefer a lot of space from my relationship anyway.

Despite being child free and having no children in my immediate family (sibling is also child-free), I have cared for children in various professional capacities and as well as having some education in child development, so kids are not a totally foreign thing to me.

I suppose what I'm looking for are websites or podcasts or books (or whatever resources) on how to just be the benevolent person that sometimes hangs around but isn't really a parent figure. I want all parties to just be comfortable around each other (which so far we very much are) and be able to handle things as they come up. Honestly if there were the equivalent of an 'Ask A Manager' for dating a person with kids, that would be ideal. Just being able to read up on issues that might occur and read advice for how to get ahead of that would be great.

Basically I just want to do this as right as I can. Partner and I have great communication and of course we'll talk through anything very thoroughly, but I want to arm myself with information and ideas to bring to the table to help us through it.

Thanks in advance!

posted by greta simone to Human Relations (4 answers total)

Good on you for seeking input. I became a step-parent in 2007, at age 27, to three kids aged 5-11. My partner was much more established, 19 years older than me, and I had previously thought I would never be the parenting type. The kids are all young adults now. The bizarre detail that they are reaching the age I was when I first met them is a wonder because I often reflect on how young they seem today, at any age. Now that this age loop is closing, it helps me see myself back then with kinder eyes and more than a little relief that I think my soul knows I did a good job. The lesson, as always, is that wisdom is always relative. Take those grains of salt before you consider anything I say, because that's my frame of reference.

bell hooks, The Will To Change. Doesn't matter what the genders invovled in your family are, this is a personal touchstone. Really, any bell hooks will serve you well.

Parker Palmer, A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life : Welcoming the soul and weaving community in a wounded world. Maybe a bit off piste, but it gives good credit to the essentiallness of connecting and ways of thinging about that, engaging with that, and generally pulling these thoughts into your attention istead of assuming they happen on their own. "Third things," in particular.

I'm not sure I can point to the specific resource where I first stumbled into this idea, but it's a simple one at its core: it's really valuable for kids (and families) to speak about expectations and, where expectations aren't met, what the consequences are and what considerations need to be made to repair ruptures. This stuff is hard (so hard) and it takes a lot of practice, and repetition, and not getting it quite right, but I think the goal is the routine of it rather than perfectly executing it. I'd suggest that there must be some degree and some frequency of open communication, even inquiry about these things. In part that's because a common problem in family dynamics is that punishments take shape on the fly rather than along pre-defined boundaries. That can make kids seem like they're living in chaos, and that kind of experience of volatility and unpredictability is a predictable path toward resentment. You can't avoid resentment entirely, but you can help people learn to express it and to resolve it rather than to hold on to it, cultivate it, and endure the stress that follows. I learned this a very difficult way, with a middle kid who struggled to speak her resentments. As she got closer to 18, though, we found a way to bring those feelings out and so much of it was connected with these feelings that expectations, like consequences, were too unclear for her to understand. It gave us strong footing to close out her childhood years on a strong note.

Patricia Papernow, Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships. I'm not sure if it still has high stature, but when said middle kid hit her struggle years, this was the point of reference. It's more clinical than touchy-feely, which also means it's easier to parse and feels more like a practical guide.

Hang in there, and good for you for taking this next step. I cannot imagine life without these kids of mine, and I will never stop thinking of them as my kids. It sounds like you're open to the experience, too, and I wish you all the best.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 10:53 AM on January 9 [8 favorites]

Can you clarify for us what you mean by "child free"?

Usually these days that means "adamant I don't want children", but your post suggests your meaning may be closer to "children simply haven't occurred in my life, but I'm not totally opposed to them".

Advice for you may wildly different, depending on the way you define child free...
Generally, if one is the first sort, the advice is to not enter into a relationship with someone with a child at all, and if one does happen to and realize the mistake, to extricate oneself ASAP, because nothing good can come of it.
While if you're the second... well, then you'll probably get good advice here, because that's what your post reads like.
posted by stormyteal at 10:29 PM on January 9

Response by poster: Child-free is 'haven't occurred' and also 'haven't really cared enough to choose to try' and 'happy without'. For the purposes of this question, let's assume I'm already open to being in a relationship with a person with a child but I will not be taking on a parent-like role at any point in the near to medium future as my question states.
posted by greta simone at 7:29 AM on January 10

Given that you won't be living together for a while, I think you are in a really great position where neither you nor your partner expect you to do any parenting of the child. This frees you to be a friendly, accepting in their person on their life.

I'm thinking that your relationship to the child has the potential to be similar to that of a favorite aunt/uncle/godparent. I think if you search on that, you will probably find a lot of good advice here on askmefi.

Here is a sample:
https://ask.metafilter.com/304639/How-does-the-role-of-honorary-aunt-uncle-evolve-during-a-childs-life
https://ask.metafilter.com/221532/How-to-be-a-good-godmother
https://ask.metafilter.com/165754/How-can-I-be-a-cool-godmother
https://ask.metafilter.com/370417/How-to-be-a-good-aunt
https://ask.metafilter.com/334513/how-to-be-a-more-fun-aunt
https://ask.metafilter.com/68985/Help-me-be-a-better-auntie
posted by metahawk at 12:36 AM on January 11