How to set boundaries at a new job after severe burnout?
January 5, 2025 11:54 AM Subscribe
I experienced a mental health crisis due to overworking and my own messed up priorities at my previous high-powered job. I left the workforce and took time to recuperate. I recently started looking for work again and now have a full-time job offer at a new company. What can I do to increase my chances of not burning out at this new job?
In retrospect, the mental health crisis I experienced resulted from the culmination of a few years of stress. It was like the frog in a pot of water situation. I incrementally started working more and more hours. My brain and thoughts slowly became 100% about my job. I lost sight of everything else in my life -- family, my direct surroundings, personal interests, etc. With all that, things that happened at work affected my entire outlook on life, probably because there wasn't anything else. So when things at work got especially tough, it felt as if my entire life was over.
Of course, this is all clear to me with the benefit of hindsight. But I still don't really know how I could have caught what was going on sooner. If I realized what was happening earlier, I think I could have taken some measures to prevent it.
The new job is along similar veins to the previous one (lots of reasons why this is, but can't get into it so it would be helpful to assume it as unchangeable). It's high pressure with a lot of responsibility. The new job at least talks the talk of work life balance, priority on wellness, etc. But I fully believe that it is up to me to make boundaries and stick to them.
I'm trying to think of very concrete things I can do to help with this. For example, I'm thinking about signing up for an in-person exercise class that starts at 5:30-6pm to create a hard stop for myself. I also plan on preemptively blocking off time on my calendar for therapist/wellness appointments. If anyone has any other suggestions or ideas, I would be grateful to hear them.
Thank you!
In retrospect, the mental health crisis I experienced resulted from the culmination of a few years of stress. It was like the frog in a pot of water situation. I incrementally started working more and more hours. My brain and thoughts slowly became 100% about my job. I lost sight of everything else in my life -- family, my direct surroundings, personal interests, etc. With all that, things that happened at work affected my entire outlook on life, probably because there wasn't anything else. So when things at work got especially tough, it felt as if my entire life was over.
Of course, this is all clear to me with the benefit of hindsight. But I still don't really know how I could have caught what was going on sooner. If I realized what was happening earlier, I think I could have taken some measures to prevent it.
The new job is along similar veins to the previous one (lots of reasons why this is, but can't get into it so it would be helpful to assume it as unchangeable). It's high pressure with a lot of responsibility. The new job at least talks the talk of work life balance, priority on wellness, etc. But I fully believe that it is up to me to make boundaries and stick to them.
I'm trying to think of very concrete things I can do to help with this. For example, I'm thinking about signing up for an in-person exercise class that starts at 5:30-6pm to create a hard stop for myself. I also plan on preemptively blocking off time on my calendar for therapist/wellness appointments. If anyone has any other suggestions or ideas, I would be grateful to hear them.
Thank you!
You set them.by setting them, by which I mean you decide on advance what you are going to do and then you stick.to that; no ifs, ands or buts. For example, I tell people anything I agree to verbally must be mailed to me or it won't happen. Because it won't and it doesn't, and then I say, did you mail me? If things need to fail because of that, so be it. Block off times in your calendar not only for your wellness things but also for work related things. I check my mail from eleven to twelve daily. If your need is more pressing, you contact me ont he other ways I have outlined. If there are things I don't want to do, then I make sure to never be seen doing them, even if I do actually do them, for example, emptying the communal dishwasher. If you are a woman it's perhaps going to feel really uncomfortable and unnatural to not be as accommodating as you possibly can. Don't let the feeling change your behavior, you are training your colleauges and you need to be consistent.
posted by Iteki at 12:34 PM on January 5 [9 favorites]
posted by Iteki at 12:34 PM on January 5 [9 favorites]
Congratulations on your new job offer! I would try to set some clear boundaries on how you will monitor and triage email. Are you in the kind of role where it’s possible for you to completely ignore your inbox for a large portion of your non-working hours? If so, great! I’d set that expectation from the very beginning by ignoring the temptation to check and respond outside your work hours, even if it’s easy to do so.
Personally I also find it helpful to track my working hours (like a super basic timesheet). This is not required by my employer but it helps me stay objective about how much I’m actually working, and cut myself some slack if I’ve had a few overlong days. I would also give some thought to when during the next year you can take your annual leave, and start booking it in as soon as feels appropriate- even if it’s just a few long weekends here and there.
Finally, do you already have a therapist? My job provides access to up to 6 free, confidential counselling appointments per year through a 3rd party provider- I’m not sure how common this is but maybe your employer has something similar you can access? If so, I’d book a couple in advance at bimonthly intervals.
posted by Weng at 12:38 PM on January 5 [2 favorites]
Personally I also find it helpful to track my working hours (like a super basic timesheet). This is not required by my employer but it helps me stay objective about how much I’m actually working, and cut myself some slack if I’ve had a few overlong days. I would also give some thought to when during the next year you can take your annual leave, and start booking it in as soon as feels appropriate- even if it’s just a few long weekends here and there.
Finally, do you already have a therapist? My job provides access to up to 6 free, confidential counselling appointments per year through a 3rd party provider- I’m not sure how common this is but maybe your employer has something similar you can access? If so, I’d book a couple in advance at bimonthly intervals.
posted by Weng at 12:38 PM on January 5 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Congrats. I am in nearly this exact situation. I think the new job may even have more visibility, but I am still determined not to let it overtake my entire self. To this end:
-I am pre-planning one vacation per quarter, non-negotiable.
-I will be quantifying my contributions, keeping lists and spreadsheets and making sure my boss and other stakeholders see what I do, how much I do, and (hopefully) how well I do it. I never did this at previous job— didn’t want to make a fuss— and wound up with an impossible workload that I silently accomplished at great personal cost (all the while earning the same salary as people with a fraction of the responsibility.) Documentation will make the frog-boiling easier to catch early on.
-I don’t know if this applies to you but I had some weird internalized thing that, because I’m not married or a parent, my life outside work didn’t “count” as much. Like the person who left an hour early every day to pick up their kid had a valid reason to prioritize their non-work life, but I felt guilty about taking an hour walk during the day. So I am actively pushing back against that. If you wouldn’t blink at someone taking their kid to a doctor, give yourself that same leeway. Go in with the attitude that your pre-scheduled stuff (great idea!) is of course totally fine.
-Take the new place at their word that they value work-life balance. If that’s all talk then that’s on them. So, don’t check (or at least don’t reply to) that after-hours email. Don’t promise something in a week that will take you three weeks. If they have a problem with this then they have falsely advertised the role and they can deal with the consequences. The worst that can happen is they fire you for their own false promises, and you already know you are capable of finding a new job.
-Block off focus time on your calendar during which you will not respond to emails, nobody can reach you by phone or chat, and nobody can schedule meetings. As far as I can tell this is universally seen as valid (at least in office jobs.)
-I also love your idea of scheduling things right after work. My idea was to have something else going on more generally (a creative project; adopt a new pet or something?) so that my identity is not just wrapped up in work.
posted by kapers at 12:42 PM on January 5 [28 favorites]
-I am pre-planning one vacation per quarter, non-negotiable.
-I will be quantifying my contributions, keeping lists and spreadsheets and making sure my boss and other stakeholders see what I do, how much I do, and (hopefully) how well I do it. I never did this at previous job— didn’t want to make a fuss— and wound up with an impossible workload that I silently accomplished at great personal cost (all the while earning the same salary as people with a fraction of the responsibility.) Documentation will make the frog-boiling easier to catch early on.
-I don’t know if this applies to you but I had some weird internalized thing that, because I’m not married or a parent, my life outside work didn’t “count” as much. Like the person who left an hour early every day to pick up their kid had a valid reason to prioritize their non-work life, but I felt guilty about taking an hour walk during the day. So I am actively pushing back against that. If you wouldn’t blink at someone taking their kid to a doctor, give yourself that same leeway. Go in with the attitude that your pre-scheduled stuff (great idea!) is of course totally fine.
-Take the new place at their word that they value work-life balance. If that’s all talk then that’s on them. So, don’t check (or at least don’t reply to) that after-hours email. Don’t promise something in a week that will take you three weeks. If they have a problem with this then they have falsely advertised the role and they can deal with the consequences. The worst that can happen is they fire you for their own false promises, and you already know you are capable of finding a new job.
-Block off focus time on your calendar during which you will not respond to emails, nobody can reach you by phone or chat, and nobody can schedule meetings. As far as I can tell this is universally seen as valid (at least in office jobs.)
-I also love your idea of scheduling things right after work. My idea was to have something else going on more generally (a creative project; adopt a new pet or something?) so that my identity is not just wrapped up in work.
posted by kapers at 12:42 PM on January 5 [28 favorites]
I’ve found it useful to reserve the ability to fail at stuff every now & again. Be late, miss a meeting, miss a deadline, hand in a doc that needs some revisions. Turns out that the world doesn’t end when you do so, and it discourages the belief that you’re 100% reliable (Pro Tip: never be 100% reliable).
For extra effectiveness: fail slightly more often on tasks that you really don’t like doing. If you do a great job on a task, you can be sure you’ll be asked to do that thing again & again & again.
Obvs you need to calibrate your failure rate. If you find that you’re screwing stuff up the whole time, it’s not the same - & you’re probably in the wrong job anyway. That’s the source of more stress, not less. I’m talking about _deliberately choosing_ to be less effective, from time to time.
posted by rd45 at 12:57 PM on January 5 [10 favorites]
For extra effectiveness: fail slightly more often on tasks that you really don’t like doing. If you do a great job on a task, you can be sure you’ll be asked to do that thing again & again & again.
Obvs you need to calibrate your failure rate. If you find that you’re screwing stuff up the whole time, it’s not the same - & you’re probably in the wrong job anyway. That’s the source of more stress, not less. I’m talking about _deliberately choosing_ to be less effective, from time to time.
posted by rd45 at 12:57 PM on January 5 [10 favorites]
Best answer: I am very guilty of this too. One thing that I've seen help is setting the tone for those around you too. For example, if you have any direct reports or people who you have indirect influence over, encourage them to also take their own mental health and time aways from work seriously. It's a good way to pay it forward, and it also discourages them from thinking they are doing a better job if they send you emails and messages on New Year's Day.
Also, one thing I try to remember is that yes, performatively being extra busy might look great to some leadership people in the short-term, but in the long-term, the work is worse as people burn out, become less effective, and leave their jobs. Keeping an eye on the data and the output of well-rested and balanced people to make the argument that a good working environment = good work is worthwhile where you can make it.
And lastly--and this reality of working life makes me a bit grouchy--there is definitely an element in the workplace of "it doesn't matter how much you do, it matters how much people see you do". So, be sure to toot your own horn a bit where you can (and do the same for others) so that you don't fall into the trap of no amount of work you might do being seen as enough.
posted by past unusual at 1:32 PM on January 5 [11 favorites]
Also, one thing I try to remember is that yes, performatively being extra busy might look great to some leadership people in the short-term, but in the long-term, the work is worse as people burn out, become less effective, and leave their jobs. Keeping an eye on the data and the output of well-rested and balanced people to make the argument that a good working environment = good work is worthwhile where you can make it.
And lastly--and this reality of working life makes me a bit grouchy--there is definitely an element in the workplace of "it doesn't matter how much you do, it matters how much people see you do". So, be sure to toot your own horn a bit where you can (and do the same for others) so that you don't fall into the trap of no amount of work you might do being seen as enough.
posted by past unusual at 1:32 PM on January 5 [11 favorites]
If your new job uses Outlook, it has some features like auto-scheduling "focus time" and generating a report of how many days this month you managed to not check your e-mail outside of working hours, etc. (There's probably also stuff in there that you don't care about, so just use what resonates with you.)
For myself, I've found that even a few hours of overtime in a week result in a lot of stress. I treat that as a hard limit, because burnout is no joke and if not working overtime would put us behind, me being unable to work at all would be even worse.
Optional: I encourage my colleagues to also do these things. "What's good for the goose is good for the gander", and all that. (Maybe this helps with not looking like a slacker?)
posted by demi-octopus at 2:23 PM on January 5
For myself, I've found that even a few hours of overtime in a week result in a lot of stress. I treat that as a hard limit, because burnout is no joke and if not working overtime would put us behind, me being unable to work at all would be even worse.
Optional: I encourage my colleagues to also do these things. "What's good for the goose is good for the gander", and all that. (Maybe this helps with not looking like a slacker?)
posted by demi-octopus at 2:23 PM on January 5
Best answer: Step Away from your desk at lunch for about 30 minutes every day. If you do this from the beginning it won’t stand out. It makes your afternoons much more effective but what’s more it re-grounds you.
The exercise class is A++ keep that!
posted by warriorqueen at 3:11 PM on January 5 [7 favorites]
The exercise class is A++ keep that!
posted by warriorqueen at 3:11 PM on January 5 [7 favorites]
If you can WFH a day or two a week, try to set those up as focus days or at least 3-4 hours straight with no meetings so you can get thinky work done.
posted by matildaben at 4:08 PM on January 5
posted by matildaben at 4:08 PM on January 5
Boundaries only work if you enforce them. You have to teach people how to treat you. Don't ever respond to emails after work hours. EVER. Don't let other people's emergencies detract from what is urgent for you and your work. Take breaks every day even if you don't feel you need it -- some of this is making self care a habit and a priority. I block off my calendar for uninterrupted time to work on projects, and I don't allow myself to be interrupted. Once people understand your boundaries they are surprisingly effective. I tell my colleagues I only respond to work communication during work hours, and I stick to it. People still send emails in the evenings and weekends but they don't get a response from me until Monday. It doesn't matter how much they say you are part of the team or how valuable you are, they will toss you out in a second when it serves them to, so only give the what they are paying you for. There is one person I make an exception for -- my boss -- who is kind and professional and only once in 10 years has contacted me on a vacation using my personal cell # and it was genuinely something urgent that I only I knew the answer to, and she was so incredibly apologetic about having to contact me while I wasn't scheduled to be working and till 10 years later references how awkward that made her feel.
posted by archimago at 4:33 AM on January 6 [4 favorites]
posted by archimago at 4:33 AM on January 6 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I could have written this question myself eight weeks ago.
There are some great suggestions upthread, but my two cents:
- I realise now that I was prioritising work because somewhere along the line, I'd internalised the message that work mattered, but I didn't. This was hugely damaging, of course, and meant I spent a lot longer in the burnout zone because I couldn't find the self-belief to take myself out of it. I'm still unpicking this now, but if you're feeling similar then a short course of therapy might help.
- I made a list of all the ways that burnout expresses itself in me. Anything from lack of energy and poor sleep and loss of interest in hobbies, through to being snappy or finding that even small annoyances become literal world ending ordeals. It meant I can figure out my 'triggers' when they show up the first time; and take action to head them off. (Action for me generally means I need to take an extended break, leave the country for a bit or start shouting for support!)
posted by citands at 8:33 AM on January 8 [2 favorites]
There are some great suggestions upthread, but my two cents:
- I realise now that I was prioritising work because somewhere along the line, I'd internalised the message that work mattered, but I didn't. This was hugely damaging, of course, and meant I spent a lot longer in the burnout zone because I couldn't find the self-belief to take myself out of it. I'm still unpicking this now, but if you're feeling similar then a short course of therapy might help.
- I made a list of all the ways that burnout expresses itself in me. Anything from lack of energy and poor sleep and loss of interest in hobbies, through to being snappy or finding that even small annoyances become literal world ending ordeals. It meant I can figure out my 'triggers' when they show up the first time; and take action to head them off. (Action for me generally means I need to take an extended break, leave the country for a bit or start shouting for support!)
posted by citands at 8:33 AM on January 8 [2 favorites]
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Another thing that can help to set boundaries is keeping work communications isolated to work-specific devices (work phone, work laptop), and not mixing work & personal communications on the same device. Outside of work hours you can turn your work devices off to avoid work messages / emails interrupting your attention outside of work.
posted by are-coral-made at 12:23 PM on January 5 [6 favorites]