How to change my mindset because I can't change much else!
July 17, 2024 12:36 PM Subscribe
I am in a Bad Place mentally, and I am unable to change much of my environment or circumstances So, I think I need to change my mindset. What kind of therapy should I seek?
I've felt stuck in a rut for some time now, having gone through serious burnout at my job, been through a divorce that has me now living alone, recovered from a significant injury, etc., all with a lifelong dose of anxiety on top. And now, the real potential of another four years of American Fascism!
Burnout has really taken its toll, though (I'm a university professor) and even though I've just had a several-month sabbatical, returning to even a sliver of work is already dragging me down. I feel like I'm holding on by a thread, and that I'm a breath away from simply letting work duties go or just not showing up. I'm not there yet - but so, so close.
I've really found myself having a hard time experiencing joy and lacking motivation in the past months, but powering through because I am a Responsible Adult. Everything I do feels like a chore. I've managed to not give in to the temptation to let everything go, because I feel like once I let one responsibility go, the house of cards will just fall.
But, try as I might, I have not found another career path to give me respite, and really, the idea of changing jobs itself sounds horrendous. I feel like I'm in such a rut that change itself is an obstacle. I just have no energy to take up anything new.
But I WANT to have that energy, I WANT to be able to take on new responsibilities and leadership roles, I WANT to keep growing.
I've done the really hard work in therapy over the years, with CBT, acceptance and commitment therapy, medications, etc. I was in therapy until recently where it just didn't seem to be going anywhere. I have friends that I see regularly. I have a supportive family. I do all the things to help my body, with consistent exercise, yoga, mindfulness, healthy eating, and so on. But I've hit a wall where these things just aren't enough. I'm developing health conditions related to stress (hello, TMJ!).
I've pulled back on duties at my job, but part of the problem as it is across higher ed is that there's no one else to do the work. Or, the people who do the work do it so poorly that I have to fix it in order for things to function and no one holds them accountable.
So, I feel like the only options that are left are to a) see if I can take a medical leave, but that has its own challenges or b) to change my mindset. My anxiety means that I have developed an outlook where I approach everything with apprehension and guardedness, which also saps my energy. I want to become more open, more able to deal with difficult people, just able to function more normally in my social interactions without it taking all my energy. I've gotten better at managing my anxiety, but my mindset has held on to that fearful influence.
So, I'm at a loss as to how to find therapy that can help me achieve those things, or what kind of therapy would help, especially since my tried-and-true modalities don't seem to be doing it anymore. Therapist shopping itself can be exhausting.
Have you been through something like this? What helped? What kind of therapy might I benefit from? Should I just quit my job and go live with a feral cat colony?
I've felt stuck in a rut for some time now, having gone through serious burnout at my job, been through a divorce that has me now living alone, recovered from a significant injury, etc., all with a lifelong dose of anxiety on top. And now, the real potential of another four years of American Fascism!
Burnout has really taken its toll, though (I'm a university professor) and even though I've just had a several-month sabbatical, returning to even a sliver of work is already dragging me down. I feel like I'm holding on by a thread, and that I'm a breath away from simply letting work duties go or just not showing up. I'm not there yet - but so, so close.
I've really found myself having a hard time experiencing joy and lacking motivation in the past months, but powering through because I am a Responsible Adult. Everything I do feels like a chore. I've managed to not give in to the temptation to let everything go, because I feel like once I let one responsibility go, the house of cards will just fall.
But, try as I might, I have not found another career path to give me respite, and really, the idea of changing jobs itself sounds horrendous. I feel like I'm in such a rut that change itself is an obstacle. I just have no energy to take up anything new.
But I WANT to have that energy, I WANT to be able to take on new responsibilities and leadership roles, I WANT to keep growing.
I've done the really hard work in therapy over the years, with CBT, acceptance and commitment therapy, medications, etc. I was in therapy until recently where it just didn't seem to be going anywhere. I have friends that I see regularly. I have a supportive family. I do all the things to help my body, with consistent exercise, yoga, mindfulness, healthy eating, and so on. But I've hit a wall where these things just aren't enough. I'm developing health conditions related to stress (hello, TMJ!).
I've pulled back on duties at my job, but part of the problem as it is across higher ed is that there's no one else to do the work. Or, the people who do the work do it so poorly that I have to fix it in order for things to function and no one holds them accountable.
So, I feel like the only options that are left are to a) see if I can take a medical leave, but that has its own challenges or b) to change my mindset. My anxiety means that I have developed an outlook where I approach everything with apprehension and guardedness, which also saps my energy. I want to become more open, more able to deal with difficult people, just able to function more normally in my social interactions without it taking all my energy. I've gotten better at managing my anxiety, but my mindset has held on to that fearful influence.
So, I'm at a loss as to how to find therapy that can help me achieve those things, or what kind of therapy would help, especially since my tried-and-true modalities don't seem to be doing it anymore. Therapist shopping itself can be exhausting.
Have you been through something like this? What helped? What kind of therapy might I benefit from? Should I just quit my job and go live with a feral cat colony?
Because I didn't see this mentioned: when was the last time you had a physical exam? I am absolutely not saying that what you're going through must indicate some kind of bodily disorder -- I'm only saying that's a possibility worth ruling out. If you do discover something awry (and there's lots of things it could be; vitamin deficiencies and thyroid fuckery are just the start), you can get that under control at the same time you seek therapy or new-job options.
Love,
The Anemic Humbug
(working on it, iron-deficiency anemia is a persistent creep)
posted by humbug at 1:07 PM on July 17 [3 favorites]
Love,
The Anemic Humbug
(working on it, iron-deficiency anemia is a persistent creep)
posted by humbug at 1:07 PM on July 17 [3 favorites]
Having full info on whether it’s possible to get medical leave and how one would do that is likely to decrease the chance that you need it.
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 1:09 PM on July 17 [1 favorite]
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 1:09 PM on July 17 [1 favorite]
Lyn's post already covered a fantastic list of resources (especially books like Burnout...) so I'll skip posting my own.
My anxiety means that I have developed an outlook where I approach everything with apprehension and guardedness, which also saps my energy. I want to become more open, more able to deal with difficult people, just able to function more normally in my social interactions without it taking all my energy. I've gotten better at managing my anxiety, but my mindset has held on to that fearful influence.
You're on the right track with this line of thinking. You already have a lot of awareness of the processes that create this unnecessary stress; the next step is to unravel the moment-by-moment feelings and sensations that form them. Once you unravel the Gordian Knot, you can start to deal with the bits and pieces individually rather than try to face the impossible tide of anxiety that pours in all at once.
From my own personal experience, the things that helped me included:
- meditation. I ended up doing a number of different types, including breath meditation, "do-nothing" meditation, meditating to a candle, and so on. The core of all of these is that they develop your ability to have more nuanced awareness of your own feelings and sensations as they evolve -- and thus the ability to not simply be blindsided by them when they appear. with this comes an increased ability to break out of the mental cycles that you're used to being in.
- avoiding/curating social media and other daily experiences that felt like they had a tendency to keep me in the same mental cycles that I was stuck in. This is less strictly "social media bad" and more "once you have an awareness of the mental processes that lead to your suffering, you can see which things are helping drag you back there and avoid them.
- hobbies that sat relatively separate from past traumatic experiences and anxiety, through I could develop a relatively distinct "me" without being bound by them.
- drugs. I'm not saying to go out and take some molly right now, but it would be dishonest for me to talk about my own recovery without at least acknowledging that I did about two dozen rounds of (self-administered) MDMA, LSD, and psilocybin therapy. It's not required, but it can help.
- learning to let go of control. allow things to go badly. allow other people to dig their own graves. so much of my anxiety was tied up in the need for things to go well (because what horrible things would happen if they did not!). so I was constantly trying to shore up the world around me, to stop it from going poorly. but of course, no matter how hard i tried, it was like trying to hold up the entire world with nothing but string; such a thing was not, and could not really be one person's responsibility. this is a recipe for becoming a nervous wreck; IMO, practice letting go a little bit more.
Additionally, keep in mind that "lifelong anxiety" is not just a Thing Everyone Has; it inevitably has its roots in trauma, trauma that you can do something about. It may not have been something terribly deep, noteworthy, or complicated, but there have been things you experienced -- or perhaps didn't experience, that sit deep beneath that anxiety. No matter what shape it takes, it's almost impossible to grow up in modern society without being hurt at least somehow. Acknowledging that pain can be an essential step to doing something about it.
posted by etealuear_crushue at 3:02 PM on July 17 [9 favorites]
My anxiety means that I have developed an outlook where I approach everything with apprehension and guardedness, which also saps my energy. I want to become more open, more able to deal with difficult people, just able to function more normally in my social interactions without it taking all my energy. I've gotten better at managing my anxiety, but my mindset has held on to that fearful influence.
You're on the right track with this line of thinking. You already have a lot of awareness of the processes that create this unnecessary stress; the next step is to unravel the moment-by-moment feelings and sensations that form them. Once you unravel the Gordian Knot, you can start to deal with the bits and pieces individually rather than try to face the impossible tide of anxiety that pours in all at once.
From my own personal experience, the things that helped me included:
- meditation. I ended up doing a number of different types, including breath meditation, "do-nothing" meditation, meditating to a candle, and so on. The core of all of these is that they develop your ability to have more nuanced awareness of your own feelings and sensations as they evolve -- and thus the ability to not simply be blindsided by them when they appear. with this comes an increased ability to break out of the mental cycles that you're used to being in.
- avoiding/curating social media and other daily experiences that felt like they had a tendency to keep me in the same mental cycles that I was stuck in. This is less strictly "social media bad" and more "once you have an awareness of the mental processes that lead to your suffering, you can see which things are helping drag you back there and avoid them.
- hobbies that sat relatively separate from past traumatic experiences and anxiety, through I could develop a relatively distinct "me" without being bound by them.
- drugs. I'm not saying to go out and take some molly right now, but it would be dishonest for me to talk about my own recovery without at least acknowledging that I did about two dozen rounds of (self-administered) MDMA, LSD, and psilocybin therapy. It's not required, but it can help.
- learning to let go of control. allow things to go badly. allow other people to dig their own graves. so much of my anxiety was tied up in the need for things to go well (because what horrible things would happen if they did not!). so I was constantly trying to shore up the world around me, to stop it from going poorly. but of course, no matter how hard i tried, it was like trying to hold up the entire world with nothing but string; such a thing was not, and could not really be one person's responsibility. this is a recipe for becoming a nervous wreck; IMO, practice letting go a little bit more.
Additionally, keep in mind that "lifelong anxiety" is not just a Thing Everyone Has; it inevitably has its roots in trauma, trauma that you can do something about. It may not have been something terribly deep, noteworthy, or complicated, but there have been things you experienced -- or perhaps didn't experience, that sit deep beneath that anxiety. No matter what shape it takes, it's almost impossible to grow up in modern society without being hurt at least somehow. Acknowledging that pain can be an essential step to doing something about it.
posted by etealuear_crushue at 3:02 PM on July 17 [9 favorites]
oof, OP, you've been through a lot!
>But I WANT to have that energy, I WANT to be able to take on new responsibilities and leadership roles, I WANT to keep growing.
I don't know if this is helpful, but this desire can make depression spiral because now you're not only depressed, but you're frustrated that your depression is thwarting your desire. Letting go of it of that desire might not solve the depression, but it can help it from getting worse.
I have cyclical depression and one of the things that has helped me is redefining success downwards. If I'm depressed, I count a good day as one in which I treaded water and nothing got worse despite my depression. I don't thrash myself because I'm not doing any of my enriching hobbies or blasting forwards in my career. I have some confidence that my joy in such things will return at some point and my stupid brain is just forcing me to press the pause button.
this sucks and it makes me less than what I want to be, but to engage the old thought-terminating cliche, it is what it is, and wishing otherwise just makes it worse.
peace and strength to you from a fellow burned-out divorcee.
posted by Sauce Trough at 3:04 PM on July 17 [8 favorites]
>But I WANT to have that energy, I WANT to be able to take on new responsibilities and leadership roles, I WANT to keep growing.
I don't know if this is helpful, but this desire can make depression spiral because now you're not only depressed, but you're frustrated that your depression is thwarting your desire. Letting go of it of that desire might not solve the depression, but it can help it from getting worse.
I have cyclical depression and one of the things that has helped me is redefining success downwards. If I'm depressed, I count a good day as one in which I treaded water and nothing got worse despite my depression. I don't thrash myself because I'm not doing any of my enriching hobbies or blasting forwards in my career. I have some confidence that my joy in such things will return at some point and my stupid brain is just forcing me to press the pause button.
this sucks and it makes me less than what I want to be, but to engage the old thought-terminating cliche, it is what it is, and wishing otherwise just makes it worse.
peace and strength to you from a fellow burned-out divorcee.
posted by Sauce Trough at 3:04 PM on July 17 [8 favorites]
What I had to do to get through a similar situation:
Increase depression med
Add ADD, thyroid, hormones ( perimenopause), anxiety meds
Time off
Therapist I liked for dealing with leftover trauma coping mechanisms
I would definitely say start with med exam and look into perimenopause or ADHD as a possibility, also thyroid, also just changing up meds, if you haven't already. So many medical issues can make you feel depressed and unable to cope.
posted by emjaybee at 3:08 PM on July 17 [2 favorites]
Increase depression med
Add ADD, thyroid, hormones ( perimenopause), anxiety meds
Time off
Therapist I liked for dealing with leftover trauma coping mechanisms
I would definitely say start with med exam and look into perimenopause or ADHD as a possibility, also thyroid, also just changing up meds, if you haven't already. So many medical issues can make you feel depressed and unable to cope.
posted by emjaybee at 3:08 PM on July 17 [2 favorites]
Grain of salt: I am a therapist. Second grain of salt: therapy is often helpful but not always and not for everyone.
The modality is less important than finding a therapist you feel is a good fit. Personally, I'm kind of dubious about therapist profiles that make a big deal of what three-letter acronym they trained in, especially (naming no three-letter acronym in particular) things that claim to be revolutionary. A therapist is not a mechanic or a surgeon; to some extent I believe what will help you here is getting to make sense of things with someone who is far enough outside of your life that they feel usefully objective but close enough to you that you know you're being understood. Therapist shopping is exhausting but if you can see it as time-limited and over when it's over, maybe manageable?
One question that's not quite about methodology exactly: any interest in group? Some people find it a usefully different experience from individual. (Bias/lack of bias: I don't run groups or want to run groups but am in one and find it...usefully different, but I'm not you and the stuff I'm grappling with is different.)
On a slightly silly note, feral cats are not the best backup plan but having a cat of your own, if you don't, can fill a lot of roles from "sympathetic creature who doesn't mind if you are in a low mood" to "motivation to keep having an income."
posted by less-of-course at 4:25 PM on July 17 [2 favorites]
The modality is less important than finding a therapist you feel is a good fit. Personally, I'm kind of dubious about therapist profiles that make a big deal of what three-letter acronym they trained in, especially (naming no three-letter acronym in particular) things that claim to be revolutionary. A therapist is not a mechanic or a surgeon; to some extent I believe what will help you here is getting to make sense of things with someone who is far enough outside of your life that they feel usefully objective but close enough to you that you know you're being understood. Therapist shopping is exhausting but if you can see it as time-limited and over when it's over, maybe manageable?
One question that's not quite about methodology exactly: any interest in group? Some people find it a usefully different experience from individual. (Bias/lack of bias: I don't run groups or want to run groups but am in one and find it...usefully different, but I'm not you and the stuff I'm grappling with is different.)
On a slightly silly note, feral cats are not the best backup plan but having a cat of your own, if you don't, can fill a lot of roles from "sympathetic creature who doesn't mind if you are in a low mood" to "motivation to keep having an income."
posted by less-of-course at 4:25 PM on July 17 [2 favorites]
From your post it is not clear to me if you are on meds to treat your anxiety and depression. If not try some. Be prepared to try more than one option until you find something that works with acceptable side effects.
posted by koahiatamadl at 4:36 PM on July 17
posted by koahiatamadl at 4:36 PM on July 17
Please take my chiming in with a huge pinch of salt - I have not struggled with all of this. More than anything my heart goes out to you and am sending you so many good wishes. It can be so hard and you’ve been through huge things.
I wonder if helping at an animal shelter or related place might be nice? Or a community garden? I’ve thought of this for myself and others before when going through really rough times and it hasn’t materialized but —- I always thought the principle sounded good! In that — not to add another chore to your list — but to have something where you don’t have ALL the responsibility (whereas, say, if you had a cat of your own you would have increased responsibility of a big kind, which might of course be great and healing and could be another idea if it appealed to you!) and it provides a sort of escape and tangible form of connection that (I imagine?) would be less draining than work work and chores. Animals are so wonderful - and they give so much. And you don’t have to talk to them (though you can!). And seeing plants and animals grow can add a real boost of anticipation to your day — “how much did it grow?” “What is that furry creature up to?”
Sending lots of sympathetic thoughts!
posted by jerboa at 6:15 PM on July 17 [2 favorites]
I wonder if helping at an animal shelter or related place might be nice? Or a community garden? I’ve thought of this for myself and others before when going through really rough times and it hasn’t materialized but —- I always thought the principle sounded good! In that — not to add another chore to your list — but to have something where you don’t have ALL the responsibility (whereas, say, if you had a cat of your own you would have increased responsibility of a big kind, which might of course be great and healing and could be another idea if it appealed to you!) and it provides a sort of escape and tangible form of connection that (I imagine?) would be less draining than work work and chores. Animals are so wonderful - and they give so much. And you don’t have to talk to them (though you can!). And seeing plants and animals grow can add a real boost of anticipation to your day — “how much did it grow?” “What is that furry creature up to?”
Sending lots of sympathetic thoughts!
posted by jerboa at 6:15 PM on July 17 [2 favorites]
I went through a divorce two years ago, and while no acute injury, I suffer from chronic migraine, back pain, and foot pain! Do you acknowledge to yourself that you really have been through a lot? Those things are EXHAUSTING. Also, in re: ACT, have you read the happiness trap? Where I often get stuck is figuring out what my true values are and aligning my life around them...but maybe it's worth a shot for you.
What do you envision doing during your medical leave? Might you find it restful and that it gives you time to relax, work on mental health, and allow for sleep and fun? Or might you feel isolated and find it odd to not be working? If you do take medical leave (or even if you don't) have you ever done Pilates? Not sure if your injury allows but I find it so gentle and rejuvenating.
I'm sorry I did not really answer your exact question.
posted by bookworm4125 at 10:00 PM on July 17 [2 favorites]
What do you envision doing during your medical leave? Might you find it restful and that it gives you time to relax, work on mental health, and allow for sleep and fun? Or might you feel isolated and find it odd to not be working? If you do take medical leave (or even if you don't) have you ever done Pilates? Not sure if your injury allows but I find it so gentle and rejuvenating.
I'm sorry I did not really answer your exact question.
posted by bookworm4125 at 10:00 PM on July 17 [2 favorites]
We really do seem to be going through a lot of this recently don't we? (There's been a number of questions)
I don't know what to say as a fellow sufferer other than be kind to yourself. And go for a walk. It's the only simple thing I seem to be able to do that helps me out. (Otherwise, I'd gladly take sitting in a good chair and reading till the end of the day with a dog or cat by my side, but there's things I really can't shirk and that makes me grind my teeth)
posted by drewbage1847 at 10:23 AM on July 18 [2 favorites]
I don't know what to say as a fellow sufferer other than be kind to yourself. And go for a walk. It's the only simple thing I seem to be able to do that helps me out. (Otherwise, I'd gladly take sitting in a good chair and reading till the end of the day with a dog or cat by my side, but there's things I really can't shirk and that makes me grind my teeth)
posted by drewbage1847 at 10:23 AM on July 18 [2 favorites]
I wouldn't even want to tell you my tale of woe. It's epic. And I'm utterly stuck due to circumstances completely beyond my control. I actually am on leave right now from my higher ed job and it's helpful. Obviously tricky since you were just on sabbatical, but my feeling in my own case was that I have to live in this body for the rest of my life and the situation was doing me serious harm. I simply could no longer cope. I will say that I was surprised at how supportive everyone has been. I think there is widespread awareness that we are all falling apart and a willingness to accommodate people's breakdowns, at least at my institution. I am far from the only one having problems.
I'm in therapy but honestly it hasn't been that helpful. What has been helpful is trying to do something enjoyable. I walk downtown and get an ice cream cone. I go to the pool sometimes and am surprised at how much my perspective shifts when floating in water. I take a nice long nap in the afternoons. I go to Pilates and yoga. I sit with my dog in my lap. You know, just attending to my own physical pleasure.
posted by HotToddy at 11:07 AM on July 18 [1 favorite]
I'm in therapy but honestly it hasn't been that helpful. What has been helpful is trying to do something enjoyable. I walk downtown and get an ice cream cone. I go to the pool sometimes and am surprised at how much my perspective shifts when floating in water. I take a nice long nap in the afternoons. I go to Pilates and yoga. I sit with my dog in my lap. You know, just attending to my own physical pleasure.
posted by HotToddy at 11:07 AM on July 18 [1 favorite]
DBT, specifically the book Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach was a game-changer for my post-divorce stuckness.
posted by droomoord at 11:34 PM on July 18 [1 favorite]
posted by droomoord at 11:34 PM on July 18 [1 favorite]
Could you have hit menopause? If yes then get some HRT if you can, if you can get testosterone then that might give you some oomph for sure! If not then it sounds like you are being too good and careful and perfect, and could try some chaos and self-indulgence and see if that helps. Have a drink or many while watching a trashy movie and eating all the chocolate, go somewhere you haven't like a bar or naked spa or llama petting farm, lie on the lawn watching the moon, stand in the rain drinking coffee, buy some paint and practically throw it at a canvas then have it framed and explain to guests how its the perfect expression of motion meeting color while you giggle inside, watch police dashcam and failarmy youtube videos and drink whenever they do a Pit maneuver or a man hits himself in the balls. Read naughty books, hilarious great books like Terry Pratchett and some history with even worse dictators that are eventually overthrown. Buy clothes in a new color or style and get your hair done opposite to how its now or get a nice new wig or go hairless. Listen to some new music, watch puzzling and funny music videos, make a Fuck It playlist to listen to in a foam bath or the car. Get an old cat that pees in your slippers and gets hair on everything but purrs when petted and sleeps in sunbeams. If you can let loose a bit then you might find work more acceptable or fun.
posted by meepmeow at 12:23 PM on July 20
posted by meepmeow at 12:23 PM on July 20
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Worth noting that about 2 years after that initial burnout my husband and I got rid of almost everything and have been traveling the country for two years, staying in places we find interesting for 6-8 weeks at a time. So...there was a big life shakeup thing that happened in there too, and...no regrets. I know not everyone can do it but we do not hate it. Also the Cat Distribution System assigned us a cat 8 months ago.
I have touched on some forms of therapy to deal with some of my crappy thinking, but DIY rather than with a therapist. Really most of my energy has gone to nervous system regulation and the related physical/somatic techniques, which doesn't really require a coach unless you really want to pay for one, aside from a physical therapist for at least a few sessions to show you how to fix any particularly gnarly infrastructure issues.
What worked:
- Lexapro
- Nervous System Regulation exercises and techniques (see also "vagus nerve" techniques)
- Physical Therapy (started with strengthening my leg/knee/hip/back infrastructure, moved on to correcting my posture and reducing tension in neck/back/shoulders/hands, and now I'm on to learning Feldenkrais)
- meditation (not "quiet mind" type - see later bullet point for ADHD(I) diagnosis, more guided visualization and self-guided)
- witchcraft
- prioritizing rest - real rest, deep rest, various forms of rest
- CBD
- the book Burnout by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski
- ADHD diagnosis and taking that as motivation to really shore up the systems I know work for me and giving up on the shit that obviously doesn't
- more hobbies, especially stuff you can make with your hands while you gently disassociate or meditate or listen to a book or music
- being more mindful of my anxiety complicators, especially the low-hanging fruit like caffeine, doomscrolling, lack of fiber, not seeing sunlight for days at a time, not getting hydration/electrolytes, not taking my mental health walkies
- curating more distractions - I have a monthly budget now just for match/puzzle games I play several times a day to de-escalate my nervous system, including my now-sacred hour or so of playing hexasort or bejeweled or whatever my current jam is, before bed while listening to the same series of comfort books over and over (the Tiffany Aching subset of Discworld books)
- routinely pushing the envelope of my comfort zone. I will creep into agoraphobia if left unattended long enough, so I have to make plans to go out and do stuff. But this also covers anything that stretches my brain as well - learning to draw, language lessons, balance and coordination exercises, learning to fix things.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:52 PM on July 17 [20 favorites]