The obvious answer is don't speak to them
December 12, 2024 6:39 AM Subscribe
How or if to say something to a nice coworker who has to one up everything I discuss?
I work in a residential rehab facility and one of my coworkers is very nice but has an annoying habit. She is a former resident with not much formal education (not sure that matters) who sits about 8 feet from me in an open area. It is a small facility with a small staff.
I got confronted once many years ago in a group therapy session for just this behavior so I know her intent is to connect and not really one up me. But it is annoying none the less. An example would be if I comment that I am getting my hair cut later her first comment will be when she is getting her hair cut. Or if I say I have a knee pain she will start talking about her aches or pains. One client was talking about a particular diet she was going to try and Ms X started giving her advice about diets and how she used to weigh x and on and on.
I do not want to call her out or embarrass her in any way. I really just want to express my stuff - its about me at this time Ms X- but can't think of any way to say it without coming off as trying to shut her down.
As the title says, it may just be better to speak to other staff about my life stuff and keep it light. Just looking for feedback.
I work in a residential rehab facility and one of my coworkers is very nice but has an annoying habit. She is a former resident with not much formal education (not sure that matters) who sits about 8 feet from me in an open area. It is a small facility with a small staff.
I got confronted once many years ago in a group therapy session for just this behavior so I know her intent is to connect and not really one up me. But it is annoying none the less. An example would be if I comment that I am getting my hair cut later her first comment will be when she is getting her hair cut. Or if I say I have a knee pain she will start talking about her aches or pains. One client was talking about a particular diet she was going to try and Ms X started giving her advice about diets and how she used to weigh x and on and on.
I do not want to call her out or embarrass her in any way. I really just want to express my stuff - its about me at this time Ms X- but can't think of any way to say it without coming off as trying to shut her down.
As the title says, it may just be better to speak to other staff about my life stuff and keep it light. Just looking for feedback.
Best answer: I think your obvious answer is the correct answer. I don't think there's anything you can do to change this coworker's behavior, some people are just like this. Whenever I find myself being one-upped, especially by a repeat offender, my response is a generic acknowledgement followed by ending or moving on: "oh wow, huh. Interesting. Ok, well I have to finish these reports so I'll talk to you later."
Not to one up (lol), but i worked with one of these people for many years, and she's also my mother. There's no changing it, only managing your irritation and your boundaries.
posted by Sparky Buttons at 7:04 AM on December 12 [20 favorites]
Not to one up (lol), but i worked with one of these people for many years, and she's also my mother. There's no changing it, only managing your irritation and your boundaries.
posted by Sparky Buttons at 7:04 AM on December 12 [20 favorites]
Well, you mention in your introductory paragraph that you used to do this behavior, that you were not trying to one up someone, but connect. How did you change your behavior? What techniques worked for you? How did other people communicate your pattern to you in a way that made you examine your pattern and help you choose a different communication style?
What would it take for you not to feel one upped? What do you want out of the interaction? Can you structure it so you are heard as you want to be? Maybe it would benefit you to let go of the notion that the conversation is a competition?
I grew up in a family that used this communication style of responsive experience sharing as a means of expressing empathy. It's taken me a long time to understand that other people can see this dynamic as competitive when the intent is to show empathy. I have responded by holding back my own reply, and trying to fully listen to what the other person is saying and not sharing my own experience. The end result is often that I am the listener in a one sided conversation, but it's not that important to me to get my own experiences wedged into the conversation anymore.
I'm not sure it's fair or realistic to expect other people to have a blanket understanding that someone who makes a remark does not want the other person to have a reply, but solely listen to the first person's narrative.
posted by effluvia at 7:24 AM on December 12 [13 favorites]
What would it take for you not to feel one upped? What do you want out of the interaction? Can you structure it so you are heard as you want to be? Maybe it would benefit you to let go of the notion that the conversation is a competition?
I grew up in a family that used this communication style of responsive experience sharing as a means of expressing empathy. It's taken me a long time to understand that other people can see this dynamic as competitive when the intent is to show empathy. I have responded by holding back my own reply, and trying to fully listen to what the other person is saying and not sharing my own experience. The end result is often that I am the listener in a one sided conversation, but it's not that important to me to get my own experiences wedged into the conversation anymore.
I'm not sure it's fair or realistic to expect other people to have a blanket understanding that someone who makes a remark does not want the other person to have a reply, but solely listen to the first person's narrative.
posted by effluvia at 7:24 AM on December 12 [13 favorites]
I have a co-worker who is so prone to this that his nickname in the office is "Topper."
Sometimes, for fun, I set something inane up and then reverse it over and over. My knee hurts! But it also feels better than ever. But I think I might need surgery. Or I will take up running.
I just flip flop over and over to melt his brain, as he tries to follow/top each contradictory bit.
It doesn't solve anything, but it's entertaining.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:27 AM on December 12 [6 favorites]
Sometimes, for fun, I set something inane up and then reverse it over and over. My knee hurts! But it also feels better than ever. But I think I might need surgery. Or I will take up running.
I just flip flop over and over to melt his brain, as he tries to follow/top each contradictory bit.
It doesn't solve anything, but it's entertaining.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:27 AM on December 12 [6 favorites]
Is this really one-upping? Your examples sound different than
"My kid started swimming lessons."
"My kid just won the regional swimming meet in every category!"
It sounds more like you open some topic of conversation, and she shares what she has to say about the topic you chose. Maybe you'd prefer it if she spent more time talking about what you have to say about the topic - maybe to you the topic is "me", while to her it's "this type of experience of life in this crazy world, that we both happen to share". Maybe the question could be asked from the perspective as "My coworker likes to bring up topics but only focus on their experience of them. The moment I try to share my experience, they get annoyed."
You could also try to think of what she's doing as a perfectly legitimate conversational approach - just different than yours. I.e. she's not doing something Wrong, she's just following a different style that other people might even enjoy. If you feel you're not getting to say enough about your life, you can just respond to her by switching back to you.
posted by trig at 7:30 AM on December 12 [58 favorites]
"My kid started swimming lessons."
"My kid just won the regional swimming meet in every category!"
It sounds more like you open some topic of conversation, and she shares what she has to say about the topic you chose. Maybe you'd prefer it if she spent more time talking about what you have to say about the topic - maybe to you the topic is "me", while to her it's "this type of experience of life in this crazy world, that we both happen to share". Maybe the question could be asked from the perspective as "My coworker likes to bring up topics but only focus on their experience of them. The moment I try to share my experience, they get annoyed."
You could also try to think of what she's doing as a perfectly legitimate conversational approach - just different than yours. I.e. she's not doing something Wrong, she's just following a different style that other people might even enjoy. If you feel you're not getting to say enough about your life, you can just respond to her by switching back to you.
posted by trig at 7:30 AM on December 12 [58 favorites]
Oh, god, I do that, and I notice myself doing that but usually not before I've done it. It only occurred to me that it was a thing I did and that it was maybe weird when my age cohort began having kids and I noticed myself dragging up stuff from my own long-ago childhood to respond to people talking about their kids. I don't have kids, myself, so that was my only way to empathize, but it just looks like "Oh, you're a parent, huh? Cool, that's cool, but check this out: I'm a former child!" Or, in other words, totally bizarre.
I have a co-worker whose case is slightly worse than mine, and I get annoyed by it in her, somehow, despite the fact that I'm also an offender. The thing to do is wait out the "me me me" response placidly and then just say what you were going to say anyway, just as phunniemee advises.
posted by Don Pepino at 7:32 AM on December 12 [12 favorites]
I have a co-worker whose case is slightly worse than mine, and I get annoyed by it in her, somehow, despite the fact that I'm also an offender. The thing to do is wait out the "me me me" response placidly and then just say what you were going to say anyway, just as phunniemee advises.
posted by Don Pepino at 7:32 AM on December 12 [12 favorites]
Maybe they are using a very tentative approach to engaging in conversation with you. Your examples don’t sound like they are engaging in that aggressive one-upmanship that we usually find annoying. You may have to “train” them to be more improvisational in their conversational volleys.
posted by coldhotel at 7:50 AM on December 12
posted by coldhotel at 7:50 AM on December 12
I am certain that the failure mode of this is sometimes it might sound to someone else like I'm one upping, but truly for me it's just show and tell time. It's your turn next.
I'll add that the failure mode of the "listen politely" approach is that the listener can come off as uninterested, unenthusiastic, or ungenuine. And sometimes it happens that I'll mention something and the listener will be all "yes, I'm listening intently, go on" and I'll feel put on the spot, suddenly realizing I don't have that much to say that's interesting and wishing the listener would pick up the thread of the conversation instead of putting it all on me.
There really are advantages to both styles and I don't think there's a One True Way, regardless of what Miss Manners might say.
posted by trig at 7:51 AM on December 12 [14 favorites]
I'll add that the failure mode of the "listen politely" approach is that the listener can come off as uninterested, unenthusiastic, or ungenuine. And sometimes it happens that I'll mention something and the listener will be all "yes, I'm listening intently, go on" and I'll feel put on the spot, suddenly realizing I don't have that much to say that's interesting and wishing the listener would pick up the thread of the conversation instead of putting it all on me.
There really are advantages to both styles and I don't think there's a One True Way, regardless of what Miss Manners might say.
posted by trig at 7:51 AM on December 12 [14 favorites]
I have a good friend who does this. It can be frustrating if I'm trying to express something I'm sad or upset about, but it doesn't sound like that's your situation. My friend isn't going to change, so I try to just mentally tell myself "Ah, Dave is doing his Dave thing" and let it go.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:52 AM on December 12
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:52 AM on December 12
My feedback is kindly but firmly intended: it’s not your job to teach her anything. She’s not in group therapy with you. She’s doing nothing wrong, she’s not even one upping by classic definition. She’s just sharing in a way that’s different from what you want, and that bothers you**. Even if she was your direct report, IMO it would be way overstepping to instruct her on this topic. Unless she’s seriously messing up client interactions or business bottom line, this falls under “people come in different flavors and not all agree with you”. This is a “you” problem, not a “her” problem.
You have agency in this situation. Sure, not the completely agency to move her desk away from yours, or to change her communication personality. But there are a million things you can do. Assert a boundary. Ignore her. Talk over her. Stop talking to her entirely. Go ahead and give her your advice. There’s no one right answer. But nothing about how you described her or the situation implies any quantitative pressure - she’s not your boss, she’s not making you unsafe, she’s not waylaying your professional goals - so you can explore infinite possibilities for what to do here and how you can start doing things differently.
**getting to the bottom of WHY it bothers you (does it trigger shame for when you got called out for doing similar things?) may also be helpful.
posted by seemoorglass at 7:53 AM on December 12 [17 favorites]
You have agency in this situation. Sure, not the completely agency to move her desk away from yours, or to change her communication personality. But there are a million things you can do. Assert a boundary. Ignore her. Talk over her. Stop talking to her entirely. Go ahead and give her your advice. There’s no one right answer. But nothing about how you described her or the situation implies any quantitative pressure - she’s not your boss, she’s not making you unsafe, she’s not waylaying your professional goals - so you can explore infinite possibilities for what to do here and how you can start doing things differently.
**getting to the bottom of WHY it bothers you (does it trigger shame for when you got called out for doing similar things?) may also be helpful.
posted by seemoorglass at 7:53 AM on December 12 [17 favorites]
Also--and I may be a misanthrope but I am not kidding--co-workers are tiresome or trash at such a rate that the sooner you can get your heart to let go of expecting them to be interesting/useful/decent/not-annoying, the better.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:54 AM on December 12 [4 favorites]
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:54 AM on December 12 [4 favorites]
Yeah I'm guilty of this too, for me it's just making light conversation/exchange but sometimes I have to pause and check myself and make sure I'm asking questions and things like to make sure I'm not just spotlighting myself.
But why do you feel that getting a haircut or having knee pain should be one-sided topics? Feels to me like an open invitation to share/empathize, which is what it sounds like she's doing. Sure, maybe she could be more inquisitive and ask you questions instead of sharing her own experiences, but it sometimes people find that intrusive so maybe she's just trying to keep it neutral.
I think the best way forward is to just...not expect her to be curious or focus only on you in those moments. If that's too hard, don't engage with her in the first place or keep it light and let her talk about herself instead of expecting more.
posted by greta simone at 8:01 AM on December 12 [8 favorites]
But why do you feel that getting a haircut or having knee pain should be one-sided topics? Feels to me like an open invitation to share/empathize, which is what it sounds like she's doing. Sure, maybe she could be more inquisitive and ask you questions instead of sharing her own experiences, but it sometimes people find that intrusive so maybe she's just trying to keep it neutral.
I think the best way forward is to just...not expect her to be curious or focus only on you in those moments. If that's too hard, don't engage with her in the first place or keep it light and let her talk about herself instead of expecting more.
posted by greta simone at 8:01 AM on December 12 [8 favorites]
Oh hell, I do this too. I'm autistic and I never knew how to talk to people. I used to sit silent as people talked but they thought I was stuck up or uncaring since I didn't respond much. Over the years, I learned to listen and try to respond and now it occurs to me that maybe people think I'm one-upping. But truly that is not my intention, just trying to connect. She may be just trying to connect.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 8:56 AM on December 12 [10 favorites]
posted by a humble nudibranch at 8:56 AM on December 12 [10 favorites]
Can you start conversations with her by asking a question about her experience with whatever topic? Even if it's a fake question on the topic, so that after she answers, you can share the thing you wanted to. This way, you are flipping the script and "not letting her" keep doing this thing. It might be less annoying to you to have more explicit control over the situation.
posted by unknowncommand at 9:27 AM on December 12
posted by unknowncommand at 9:27 AM on December 12
I find it pleasantly deflating to acknowledge the one-upper with "Well, I guess you're just a better person than me." Giving up and rolling over like this is not what they're expecting.
posted by Rash at 9:45 AM on December 12
posted by Rash at 9:45 AM on December 12
It might be worth thinking about what you want to get out of this experience. In the example of sharing your haircut with her, what kind of response did you want from her? For a one way sharing of your thing? For questions from her about you? You could perhaps preview by saying, “I’m so excited for this haircut. Just hear me out for like 5 mins.” And maybe end on, “what do you think about that haircut idea?”
If you want to control the two-way conversation, ask questions or set it up to very clearly get at that. If you’re just broadly expressing yourself, the world can respond however they want.
posted by inevitability at 10:00 AM on December 12 [11 favorites]
If you want to control the two-way conversation, ask questions or set it up to very clearly get at that. If you’re just broadly expressing yourself, the world can respond however they want.
posted by inevitability at 10:00 AM on December 12 [11 favorites]
What gets rewarded gets repeated. Attention is a reward. Ignore one-upping remarks. When this person responds to you in a sincere, pleasant manner - reward - I like it when you share in a personal way. But mostly ignore.
posted by theora55 at 10:12 AM on December 12
posted by theora55 at 10:12 AM on December 12
I also think this is not one-upping. This is more like a version of parallel play. People are almost always bringing their best skill level to interactions and relationships. Of all the things you could say in response to this type of response, only a very small percentage have a chance of supporting a person in upping their skill level. A larger percentage will fall in the range of micro- to macro- aggressions (with the remainder in other categories). The outcome is partly a function of your skill level, partly other factors.
posted by concinnity at 10:17 AM on December 12 [6 favorites]
posted by concinnity at 10:17 AM on December 12 [6 favorites]
I have a co-worker that has the same annoying habit. She's the world's foremost authority on everything and she doesn't care if your discussion is with someone else entirely, she's going to tell you her opinion. My nickname for her is " Two-Cents". My mother didn't raise me to be rude but I find it's best just to carry on speaking as if she never said anything. It's far better than getting upset because yet another conversation has been hijacked. She usually gets the message.
posted by hairless ape at 10:21 AM on December 12
posted by hairless ape at 10:21 AM on December 12
These sound like very normal social interactions between coworkers, and I would query whether acceptance of the behavior in this woman, yourself, and others would serve you better than trying to change it.
That being said, depending on the nature of the rehab facility, it may be deeply inappropriate for a non-medical staffer to be providing diet advice to a client, and I would encourage you to discuss that aspect with your manager if it would be inappropriate in your facility.
posted by moosetracks at 10:47 AM on December 12 [4 favorites]
That being said, depending on the nature of the rehab facility, it may be deeply inappropriate for a non-medical staffer to be providing diet advice to a client, and I would encourage you to discuss that aspect with your manager if it would be inappropriate in your facility.
posted by moosetracks at 10:47 AM on December 12 [4 favorites]
My "I am soon getting my hair cut as well!" isn't an invitation to talk about my haircut now. It's "yes, I sure do understand haircuts! Haircuts are definitely a human activity I also experience! We are bonding! Continue!"
posted by phunniemee at 10:03 AM on December 12 [21 favorites +] [⚑]
Truer words never spoken.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 11:00 AM on December 12 [10 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 10:03 AM on December 12 [21 favorites +] [⚑]
Truer words never spoken.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 11:00 AM on December 12 [10 favorites]
Based on the feedback and what you’ve favorited I just have one other perspective - maybe you just don’t like her. Her conversation sounds benign to me but it rubs you the wrong way. Imagine someone else doing it - someone you like - would it still bug you? Maybe you just don’t like her so no matter what she does it’ll irk you. You can investigate this if you want (i.e. shadow work) or leave it alone.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:11 AM on December 12 [1 favorite]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:11 AM on December 12 [1 favorite]
I am a little confused about the context in which she is making these comments. Are you telling her "I am getting my hair cut this week" and she replies to you, or are you talking to others and she butts in with me tooooooooo.
If you're talking directly to her, it seems she has a lack of curiosity over your announcements- and that's kind of what they sound like- announcements. So I am wondering why it's important for you to announce to your coworkers that you're getting your hair cut. What reaction you're looking for, because beyond "changing the color? the cut?" it's kind of a dead end conversation.
I also think modeling curiosity could be an answer. Do you ever ask her questions about herself, or is the whole office just announcing things and sometimes that sparks conversation?
I agree with the above that it doesn't sound like one-up, it sounds like someone who doesn't know how to make a conversation about an announcement.
There probably is a little "look at meee" going on, but you're also announcing you're getting/ feeling _____," so you are also engaging in that behavior. And I will underscore that NEITHER are a crime! But in an alternate reality, maybe there is an AskMe that reads: "My coworker always makes sure we know exactly what's going on in her life, but shuts us down if we try to relate."
If these are all good people you want to know better? Foster curiosity. "Have you ever had knee pain?" vs "My knee hurts." If you give someone the chance to speak first, they can't "one-up" you when it's your turn.
posted by haplesschild at 11:30 AM on December 12 [2 favorites]
If you're talking directly to her, it seems she has a lack of curiosity over your announcements- and that's kind of what they sound like- announcements. So I am wondering why it's important for you to announce to your coworkers that you're getting your hair cut. What reaction you're looking for, because beyond "changing the color? the cut?" it's kind of a dead end conversation.
I also think modeling curiosity could be an answer. Do you ever ask her questions about herself, or is the whole office just announcing things and sometimes that sparks conversation?
I agree with the above that it doesn't sound like one-up, it sounds like someone who doesn't know how to make a conversation about an announcement.
There probably is a little "look at meee" going on, but you're also announcing you're getting/ feeling _____," so you are also engaging in that behavior. And I will underscore that NEITHER are a crime! But in an alternate reality, maybe there is an AskMe that reads: "My coworker always makes sure we know exactly what's going on in her life, but shuts us down if we try to relate."
If these are all good people you want to know better? Foster curiosity. "Have you ever had knee pain?" vs "My knee hurts." If you give someone the chance to speak first, they can't "one-up" you when it's your turn.
posted by haplesschild at 11:30 AM on December 12 [2 favorites]
Agree that this is absolutely not one upping, it's story sharing.
I personally enjoy this mode of conversation. If I share a run-of-the-mill annoyance like "I got stuck in traffic" I don't need the other person to say "You got stuck in traffic, sorry to hear that." I'd rather they say "I know, the traffic is so bad I got stuck and was late to blah blah blah" etc.
If I say "my knee hurts" I don't need the other person to say "I am sorry your knee hurts." In fact in my world, we sit around and trade medical issues and have a great time with it.
If I say "I hate how my hair looks" and the person empathizes but doesn't correspond with what they hate about their own looks, I'd be shocked.
In a lot of places if you don't story trade, the conversation ends and no one shares with you.
You don't have to talk to them if you don't want to, but nothing in these examples sounds like they are trying to minimize your experience.
posted by ponie at 11:37 AM on December 12 [13 favorites]
I personally enjoy this mode of conversation. If I share a run-of-the-mill annoyance like "I got stuck in traffic" I don't need the other person to say "You got stuck in traffic, sorry to hear that." I'd rather they say "I know, the traffic is so bad I got stuck and was late to blah blah blah" etc.
If I say "my knee hurts" I don't need the other person to say "I am sorry your knee hurts." In fact in my world, we sit around and trade medical issues and have a great time with it.
If I say "I hate how my hair looks" and the person empathizes but doesn't correspond with what they hate about their own looks, I'd be shocked.
In a lot of places if you don't story trade, the conversation ends and no one shares with you.
You don't have to talk to them if you don't want to, but nothing in these examples sounds like they are trying to minimize your experience.
posted by ponie at 11:37 AM on December 12 [13 favorites]
Also, if someone told me they were getting their hair cut later, I would not know what to say other than story trade. What could they say to this really - where are you getting your hair cut? Or what kind of hair cut? All that would seem ok but kind of forced to me.
posted by ponie at 11:47 AM on December 12 [5 favorites]
posted by ponie at 11:47 AM on December 12 [5 favorites]
So maybe this isn't one-upping, exactly, but something like spotlight stealing: if you talk to this person about yourself, the topic is guaranteed to be shifted to her.
If that's what you're describing, it is different from experience sharing/story trading because there's not any kind of flow to it. There's just a center of conversational gravity and that center is her. That's kind of exhausting (period, I think, and/but if you have any kind of ~stuff~ around not being seen or validated it can add an extra layer of unpleasantness).
This could be a permanent personality thing or an addressable lack of awareness. For you, it was the former. For her, who knows, but the right person to bring it to her attention is someone she has a close relationship with (or maybe a boss, if it became a big enough issue in the workplace).
As her coworker you're not the right person to have the conversation, so I think, yeah, you just accept this otherwise nice person for who she is and don't try to get from her something she isn't currently capable of providing. It sounds like you have other coworkers who are better suited as listeners/conversation partners, which is great.
posted by wormtales at 11:50 AM on December 12 [3 favorites]
If that's what you're describing, it is different from experience sharing/story trading because there's not any kind of flow to it. There's just a center of conversational gravity and that center is her. That's kind of exhausting (period, I think, and/but if you have any kind of ~stuff~ around not being seen or validated it can add an extra layer of unpleasantness).
This could be a permanent personality thing or an addressable lack of awareness. For you, it was the former. For her, who knows, but the right person to bring it to her attention is someone she has a close relationship with (or maybe a boss, if it became a big enough issue in the workplace).
As her coworker you're not the right person to have the conversation, so I think, yeah, you just accept this otherwise nice person for who she is and don't try to get from her something she isn't currently capable of providing. It sounds like you have other coworkers who are better suited as listeners/conversation partners, which is great.
posted by wormtales at 11:50 AM on December 12 [3 favorites]
You could stick to the trivial--
'Holy cow it's cold out there.' 'Have you heard what next week's weather is going to be like?'
"Are you going to the Christmas party?' 'What are you wearing?'
'I really like Coworker's earings.' (Mine are nicer.) 'I'm sure they are."
'Coworkers desk plant has really grown, hasn't it?' 'My fiscus at home is taller and greener.' 'Wonderful.' or 'I'm sure.'
Only asking questions rather than sharing anything in your life will help in minimizing the irritation factor. You're not invested as much in Coworkers fiscus as your own leafy wonder.
If it helps after you talk to her, when you turn your back, go ahead and roll your eyes. Preferably when nobody's looking. Then just go about your day.
posted by BlueHorse at 11:57 AM on December 12 [1 favorite]
'Holy cow it's cold out there.' 'Have you heard what next week's weather is going to be like?'
"Are you going to the Christmas party?' 'What are you wearing?'
'I really like Coworker's earings.' (Mine are nicer.) 'I'm sure they are."
'Coworkers desk plant has really grown, hasn't it?' 'My fiscus at home is taller and greener.' 'Wonderful.' or 'I'm sure.'
Only asking questions rather than sharing anything in your life will help in minimizing the irritation factor. You're not invested as much in Coworkers fiscus as your own leafy wonder.
If it helps after you talk to her, when you turn your back, go ahead and roll your eyes. Preferably when nobody's looking. Then just go about your day.
posted by BlueHorse at 11:57 AM on December 12 [1 favorite]
(Oops, that should say "the latter" for you, not intending to besmirch your personality.)
posted by wormtales at 1:22 PM on December 12
posted by wormtales at 1:22 PM on December 12
I guess I wonder why you can talk about your hair but she can't talk about hers?
There are a few ways this can go for me:
Coworker: "I'm getting my haircut this afternoon."
Me, when I'm being very aware and mindful: "Nice! Are you going for a big change?"
Coworker: "I'm getting my haircut this afternoon."
Me, most of the time, who just remembered she needs to get her hair cut or suddenly feels self-conscious about her hair: "Ugh, I need to make an appointment to do that too."
posted by bluedaisy at 2:46 PM on December 12 [5 favorites]
There are a few ways this can go for me:
Coworker: "I'm getting my haircut this afternoon."
Me, when I'm being very aware and mindful: "Nice! Are you going for a big change?"
Coworker: "I'm getting my haircut this afternoon."
Me, most of the time, who just remembered she needs to get her hair cut or suddenly feels self-conscious about her hair: "Ugh, I need to make an appointment to do that too."
posted by bluedaisy at 2:46 PM on December 12 [5 favorites]
I’m great at dealing with this. The response is:
Cool! Mine seems pricey, haircuts are so expensive these days.
Ouch. I never have any luck with tylenol for mine, only Advil.
The pattern is: very short validating statement, then back to yourself with a complaint
They will likely respond that they have the same problem too, or they will find another complaint. You can then agree with their complaint or find another one.
Congratulations, you’re now bonding over how much something sucks. This is usually quite validating without actually requiring much in the way of social skills.
Generally, though, I do want to say that your annoyance may come from the fact that you spend all day working with people who are entitled to be self-centered and bad listeners. Another one??? Ughhh
I’d think about whether you’re looking at possible burnout or whether this is just an understandable case of you not wanting to work for free.
posted by knobknosher at 3:08 PM on December 12 [1 favorite]
Cool! Mine seems pricey, haircuts are so expensive these days.
Ouch. I never have any luck with tylenol for mine, only Advil.
The pattern is: very short validating statement, then back to yourself with a complaint
They will likely respond that they have the same problem too, or they will find another complaint. You can then agree with their complaint or find another one.
Congratulations, you’re now bonding over how much something sucks. This is usually quite validating without actually requiring much in the way of social skills.
Generally, though, I do want to say that your annoyance may come from the fact that you spend all day working with people who are entitled to be self-centered and bad listeners. Another one??? Ughhh
I’d think about whether you’re looking at possible burnout or whether this is just an understandable case of you not wanting to work for free.
posted by knobknosher at 3:08 PM on December 12 [1 favorite]
I keep thinking about this question.
One more aspect that comes up for me is that this is one way that people stop being strangers to each other. One person shares information from their life, the other person returns with information of their own. Nobody is left more vulnerable or exposed than the other person, and both now know more about each other. For a lot of people this does actually lead to a sense of closeness. And resource building: now they both get to add another person to their "people who have information/contacts/opinions relevant to X" list.
I'm actually somewhere in the middle between the "only speak strictly about what you're spoken to" and "sharing -> closeness = good" approaches. Meaning that I know people who go much farther than I do in either direction. I will say that some of the biggest "ooh yeah lemme tell you about my experience of that" people I know have by far the biggest IRL social networks and can easily summon up tens of people at any moment to help them with any thing, give them advice about anything, etc. I don't think those things are unconnected. It's not my style, I can't do it like they do, but if I could my life would probably be the richer for it. For every person who really just wants polite, atomized conversation, there seem to be a lot of people who are quite grateful to accept these bids for connection.
(To be clear I'm thinking about the big sharers who will also actually take in the information you share, and care about it, not the people who will only monologue endlessly about themselves but not care about you a whit.)
posted by trig at 3:23 PM on December 12
One more aspect that comes up for me is that this is one way that people stop being strangers to each other. One person shares information from their life, the other person returns with information of their own. Nobody is left more vulnerable or exposed than the other person, and both now know more about each other. For a lot of people this does actually lead to a sense of closeness. And resource building: now they both get to add another person to their "people who have information/contacts/opinions relevant to X" list.
I'm actually somewhere in the middle between the "only speak strictly about what you're spoken to" and "sharing -> closeness = good" approaches. Meaning that I know people who go much farther than I do in either direction. I will say that some of the biggest "ooh yeah lemme tell you about my experience of that" people I know have by far the biggest IRL social networks and can easily summon up tens of people at any moment to help them with any thing, give them advice about anything, etc. I don't think those things are unconnected. It's not my style, I can't do it like they do, but if I could my life would probably be the richer for it. For every person who really just wants polite, atomized conversation, there seem to be a lot of people who are quite grateful to accept these bids for connection.
(To be clear I'm thinking about the big sharers who will also actually take in the information you share, and care about it, not the people who will only monologue endlessly about themselves but not care about you a whit.)
posted by trig at 3:23 PM on December 12
I agree with everyone saying this just sounds like normal small talk that is common in contexts where people are mainly trying to keep things surface-level and positive. And I wouldn't call the examples you give one-upping - she's just trying to best you, she's just responding to whatever topic you've raised.
That said, if you ever really need the conversation to focus on you, I like inevitability's script above for front-loading the request for her attention.
posted by coffeecat at 5:02 PM on December 12 [1 favorite]
That said, if you ever really need the conversation to focus on you, I like inevitability's script above for front-loading the request for her attention.
posted by coffeecat at 5:02 PM on December 12 [1 favorite]
Ditto what phunniemee said... with an addition or two.
Is there a possibility that this is triggering your irritation to such a high level because when she responds - even if it's in a connecting/commiserating way - your innate expectation/assumption is that it's competition?
Perhaps it would help if you could keep in mind that this is actually *taught* as a form of social small talk...
Also, I'm really curious how high "competition" is on your list of Clifton Strengths... I'd lay odds it's in your top five.
posted by stormyteal at 5:47 PM on December 12 [1 favorite]
Is there a possibility that this is triggering your irritation to such a high level because when she responds - even if it's in a connecting/commiserating way - your innate expectation/assumption is that it's competition?
Perhaps it would help if you could keep in mind that this is actually *taught* as a form of social small talk...
Also, I'm really curious how high "competition" is on your list of Clifton Strengths... I'd lay odds it's in your top five.
posted by stormyteal at 5:47 PM on December 12 [1 favorite]
Yeah this isn't one-upping. This is friendly active conversation. She's engaging with what you shared rather than listening passively. Personally, I hate when people listen passively to me -- it makes me feel unsupported and exposed. (I don't think passive listeners are "bad people" who need to be "confronted"; it's just not a conversational style that I enjoy at all.) For me, being silently listened to feels like social dancing with a partner who is all floppy and has no frame -- disorienting, not firm and safe. I like to feel the other person's "touch" in conversation to get the texture of how we're connecting.
You may have a different preference, but that doesn't make you "good" and her "bad". Maybe you need to examine where your own annoyance is coming from -- shame at being confronted for your own conversational patterns (which I don't know the details of, but may actually have been perfectly okay)? Not feeling heard? Or feeling like you're losing a competition that the other person doesn't even realize you see as a competition?
posted by cnidaria at 8:41 AM on December 13 [2 favorites]
You may have a different preference, but that doesn't make you "good" and her "bad". Maybe you need to examine where your own annoyance is coming from -- shame at being confronted for your own conversational patterns (which I don't know the details of, but may actually have been perfectly okay)? Not feeling heard? Or feeling like you're losing a competition that the other person doesn't even realize you see as a competition?
posted by cnidaria at 8:41 AM on December 13 [2 favorites]
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The best thing you can do is just continue talking about whatever you were meaning to talk about in the first place.
My "I am soon getting my hair cut as well!" isn't an invitation to talk about my haircut now. It's "yes, I sure do understand haircuts! Haircuts are definitely a human activity I also experience! We are bonding! Continue!"
posted by phunniemee at 7:03 AM on December 12 [60 favorites]