Partner said I have bad taste and consistency-how to restore confidence?
December 10, 2024 9:33 AM Subscribe
Two months ago my boyfriend said something that completely shattered my confidence. He told me I "tasted bad," like I don’t shower, and even mentioned a specific moment retrospectively at the holidays when he was so grossed out he had to stop after just a few seconds. He said he doesn’t enjoy oral but would “compromise” and do it occasionally since it brings me pleasure. But that I have bad taste and he doesn't like the consistency. I sadly have UTI sometimes but I don't think this affects the parts below urethra. I am his fist sexual partner and I never heard such complaints from my previous partners, I am not sure how to tackle this from medical point of view or psychological?
I’m in an amazing relationship, my bf and I have been living together for almost a year, and he’s everything I could hope for in a partner. We’re deeply in love, compatible in everyday life and supportive of each other, sex was good. We share chores, take trips, care for our dogs, and manage finances together. I am feeling comfortable with him.
Background: I’ve struggled with intimacy due to past trauma and neurodivergency. I was also abused and parentified growing up—my parents discussed their sexual issues with me and made me mediate their conflicts as a young teenager, which left me feeling like my worth was tied to my willingness to have sex. Rationally, I know that’s not true, but it’s stayed with me.
Therapy helped me work through some of these issues, but eventually it started feeling like talking to a random, I did not get any new discoveries. Eventually it became unaffordable. Now I could probably start affording it occasionally because we split the bills with my partner. A psychiatrist prescribed me antidepressants and said I just struggle with stress and adversity more than most people. Previous partners either pressured me into sex or withdrew without explanation, which made it even harder to feel secure.
My current partner, however, is the first person I’ve felt truly safe with. He’s also navigating intimacy for the first time since I’m his first sexual partner; he's a few years younger and I'm in my 30s. He initially struggled with maintaining erections due to phimosis but was mature enough to address it with surgery. The improvement took a lot of pain and stress off him, and while he’s still somewhat limited, I never minded. He gladly uses fingers most of the time.
The issue: Two months ago, though, he said something that completely shattered my confidence. He told me I "tasted bad," like I don’t shower, and even mentioned a specific moment retrospectively at the holidays when he was so grossed out he had to stop after just a few seconds. He said he doesn’t enjoy oral but would “compromise” and do it occasionally since it brings me pleasure. He has a problem with my taste and consistency of my liquids when i get wet, but loves touching it with fingers.
I was blindsided. No one had ever said this to me before, I am clean, shave, I use intimate soap every now and then, otherwise just water. I don’t have an unhealthy diet, I’m not overweight, I don’t drink or smoke or eat red meat. I wondered if the seawater had affected me that day, idk, but the comment broke me. It made me question everything about myself. I should have known something was off—he rarely initiated oral and avoided it even after I asked if he liked it. He swore he did, but his actions didn’t match. Eventually, that day when he "came clean" (pun not intended), he admitted he “tried to get into it” but couldn’t because of the taste and consistency.
Now I’m questioning my entire sexual history. Were past partners just too polite to say anything and I always tasted bad? Only one or two were super into it, the rest were just....”normally” into it, I would say.
For the past two months, this has consumed me. I think about it daily and cried for days after he said it. I immediately tried everything: drinking pineapple juice, cutting out white meat, drinking 3 liters of water daily, coconut water, probiotics—you name it. I even tasted myself regularly and noticed a slightly sour taste, but nothing overwhelming. I am getting annual checks by the gyn.
But after three weeks of diet and constant anxiety about my lifestyle, I was exhausted and started wondering why I was doing this. I don’t want to force someone to do something they don’t enjoy for my sake. I stopped trying and now feel like a blob. I avoid looking in the mirror, eating sweets for comfort and can’t even step on a scale.
Since then, I’ve tried letting him go down on me twice—he asked, probably out of guilt on his part. The first time, I had to stop a few seconds in, and the second time, I broke down crying after a minute or two. I felt weird, stressed, anxious, what do I taste like, am I too wet... Is he uncomfortable? I did not even feel physical pleasure anymore. I don’t even know why—it just hurt so much. Now, I feel ashamed even at the thought of intimacy. I became uncomfortable with the idea of receiving oral and even envious of women who enjoy it without overthinking, just like I used to. I’m ashamed of getting wet because I know the consistency is something he finds gross. I constantly feel like I am carrying around a gross, dirty secret and that if anyone knew, they'd see me differently. That said, I enjoy giving him oral.
He feels awful for what he said and has apologized repeatedly. He’s stood by me when I cried, listened carefully, and acknowledged how much it’s hurt me, even if he can’t fully relate. He told me that if the roles were reversed, he’d just shrug it off, be okay with me not enjoying it, and move on. That lack of emotional resonance makes me feel even more alone in this, though I believe he genuinely cares.
I know this has affected us both. I don’t know how to move past it, and honestly, even if we broke up, I don’t think I’d ever feel comfortable letting someone go down on me again. How can I rebuild my confidence and feel comfortable with intimacy? Is there a way forward from this?
I’m in an amazing relationship, my bf and I have been living together for almost a year, and he’s everything I could hope for in a partner. We’re deeply in love, compatible in everyday life and supportive of each other, sex was good. We share chores, take trips, care for our dogs, and manage finances together. I am feeling comfortable with him.
Background: I’ve struggled with intimacy due to past trauma and neurodivergency. I was also abused and parentified growing up—my parents discussed their sexual issues with me and made me mediate their conflicts as a young teenager, which left me feeling like my worth was tied to my willingness to have sex. Rationally, I know that’s not true, but it’s stayed with me.
Therapy helped me work through some of these issues, but eventually it started feeling like talking to a random, I did not get any new discoveries. Eventually it became unaffordable. Now I could probably start affording it occasionally because we split the bills with my partner. A psychiatrist prescribed me antidepressants and said I just struggle with stress and adversity more than most people. Previous partners either pressured me into sex or withdrew without explanation, which made it even harder to feel secure.
My current partner, however, is the first person I’ve felt truly safe with. He’s also navigating intimacy for the first time since I’m his first sexual partner; he's a few years younger and I'm in my 30s. He initially struggled with maintaining erections due to phimosis but was mature enough to address it with surgery. The improvement took a lot of pain and stress off him, and while he’s still somewhat limited, I never minded. He gladly uses fingers most of the time.
The issue: Two months ago, though, he said something that completely shattered my confidence. He told me I "tasted bad," like I don’t shower, and even mentioned a specific moment retrospectively at the holidays when he was so grossed out he had to stop after just a few seconds. He said he doesn’t enjoy oral but would “compromise” and do it occasionally since it brings me pleasure. He has a problem with my taste and consistency of my liquids when i get wet, but loves touching it with fingers.
I was blindsided. No one had ever said this to me before, I am clean, shave, I use intimate soap every now and then, otherwise just water. I don’t have an unhealthy diet, I’m not overweight, I don’t drink or smoke or eat red meat. I wondered if the seawater had affected me that day, idk, but the comment broke me. It made me question everything about myself. I should have known something was off—he rarely initiated oral and avoided it even after I asked if he liked it. He swore he did, but his actions didn’t match. Eventually, that day when he "came clean" (pun not intended), he admitted he “tried to get into it” but couldn’t because of the taste and consistency.
Now I’m questioning my entire sexual history. Were past partners just too polite to say anything and I always tasted bad? Only one or two were super into it, the rest were just....”normally” into it, I would say.
For the past two months, this has consumed me. I think about it daily and cried for days after he said it. I immediately tried everything: drinking pineapple juice, cutting out white meat, drinking 3 liters of water daily, coconut water, probiotics—you name it. I even tasted myself regularly and noticed a slightly sour taste, but nothing overwhelming. I am getting annual checks by the gyn.
But after three weeks of diet and constant anxiety about my lifestyle, I was exhausted and started wondering why I was doing this. I don’t want to force someone to do something they don’t enjoy for my sake. I stopped trying and now feel like a blob. I avoid looking in the mirror, eating sweets for comfort and can’t even step on a scale.
Since then, I’ve tried letting him go down on me twice—he asked, probably out of guilt on his part. The first time, I had to stop a few seconds in, and the second time, I broke down crying after a minute or two. I felt weird, stressed, anxious, what do I taste like, am I too wet... Is he uncomfortable? I did not even feel physical pleasure anymore. I don’t even know why—it just hurt so much. Now, I feel ashamed even at the thought of intimacy. I became uncomfortable with the idea of receiving oral and even envious of women who enjoy it without overthinking, just like I used to. I’m ashamed of getting wet because I know the consistency is something he finds gross. I constantly feel like I am carrying around a gross, dirty secret and that if anyone knew, they'd see me differently. That said, I enjoy giving him oral.
He feels awful for what he said and has apologized repeatedly. He’s stood by me when I cried, listened carefully, and acknowledged how much it’s hurt me, even if he can’t fully relate. He told me that if the roles were reversed, he’d just shrug it off, be okay with me not enjoying it, and move on. That lack of emotional resonance makes me feel even more alone in this, though I believe he genuinely cares.
I know this has affected us both. I don’t know how to move past it, and honestly, even if we broke up, I don’t think I’d ever feel comfortable letting someone go down on me again. How can I rebuild my confidence and feel comfortable with intimacy? Is there a way forward from this?
Also: it is possible that your partner doesn't enjoy performing oral sex for reasons of his own that have nothing to do with you,
and that a different partner would be delighted/overjoyed to perform oral sex on you.
If you have good hygiene, and you taste okay to yourself, it may well be his psychological baggage or cultural stigma getting in the way.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 9:41 AM on December 10, 2024 [35 favorites]
and that a different partner would be delighted/overjoyed to perform oral sex on you.
If you have good hygiene, and you taste okay to yourself, it may well be his psychological baggage or cultural stigma getting in the way.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 9:41 AM on December 10, 2024 [35 favorites]
How can I rebuild my confidence and feel comfortable with intimacy? Is there a way forward from this?
I strongly, strongly suggest you look for a trauma-informed sex therapist in your area, or that you can access online. You need to navigate this in a safe environment with someone who can guide you back to enjoying your body and sex.
From reading your question, it stands out to me that your boyfriend hasn't had any sexual partners besides you. Have you talked about what he believes he should be tasting when he goes down on you? He may have been given the wrong idea by porn or social media in regards to what it "should" taste like. I also agree with chariot's comment about maybe it's just his own personal hangup (I've dated guys who have trouble with giving and recieving oral for various reasons -- some people just don't like it).
But really a sex therapist can help you navigate this. Definitely look for someone who understands trauma as well so they can help keep you safe as you navigate this.
posted by fight or flight at 9:48 AM on December 10, 2024 [15 favorites]
I strongly, strongly suggest you look for a trauma-informed sex therapist in your area, or that you can access online. You need to navigate this in a safe environment with someone who can guide you back to enjoying your body and sex.
From reading your question, it stands out to me that your boyfriend hasn't had any sexual partners besides you. Have you talked about what he believes he should be tasting when he goes down on you? He may have been given the wrong idea by porn or social media in regards to what it "should" taste like. I also agree with chariot's comment about maybe it's just his own personal hangup (I've dated guys who have trouble with giving and recieving oral for various reasons -- some people just don't like it).
But really a sex therapist can help you navigate this. Definitely look for someone who understands trauma as well so they can help keep you safe as you navigate this.
posted by fight or flight at 9:48 AM on December 10, 2024 [15 favorites]
Is there a way forward from this?
It's challenging to respond to these sorts of questions, because we are only seeing your perspective of the situation. We did not have the experience you did. We are not you. Please read this with the context that I am not you, and I am not aware of the entirety of your relationship.
Your reaction to one comment seems radically disproportionate to the situation.
Your partner sounds like he's being honest, and expressing his sexual interests to you openly. That's a good thing from a partner. Even if he doesn't like your taste, that doesn't mean you are flawed. Individuals have preferences in all things in life - partners (romantic or sexual) do not need to have identical preferences at all times. Your partner does not appear to be criticizing you. To the contrary, he has made multiple efforts to have a positive sexual relationship with you. He has had surgery to have sex with you (!). He has offered to continue oral occasionally because you like it. This doesn't sound like a partner who isn't into you - it sounds like a partner who is trying to improve his sexual relationship with you by providing feedback to you on things that work well and things that don't well for him.
He likely could have phrased this better. I would have suggested to him that state taste as a matter of personal preference, not as a binary "good"/"bad" choice. However, for a one time event, responding with "[crying] for days" seems like you are conflating a preference on his part with a failure on your part. Those are not the same thing. It is healthy for partners to have preferences in their sexual acts, and it is healthy for partners to communicate those preferences to each other. Although he could work on his phrasing, you could work on communication with him and with accepting that he may do things for your benefit and not his own.
posted by saeculorum at 9:55 AM on December 10, 2024 [8 favorites]
It's challenging to respond to these sorts of questions, because we are only seeing your perspective of the situation. We did not have the experience you did. We are not you. Please read this with the context that I am not you, and I am not aware of the entirety of your relationship.
Your reaction to one comment seems radically disproportionate to the situation.
Your partner sounds like he's being honest, and expressing his sexual interests to you openly. That's a good thing from a partner. Even if he doesn't like your taste, that doesn't mean you are flawed. Individuals have preferences in all things in life - partners (romantic or sexual) do not need to have identical preferences at all times. Your partner does not appear to be criticizing you. To the contrary, he has made multiple efforts to have a positive sexual relationship with you. He has had surgery to have sex with you (!). He has offered to continue oral occasionally because you like it. This doesn't sound like a partner who isn't into you - it sounds like a partner who is trying to improve his sexual relationship with you by providing feedback to you on things that work well and things that don't well for him.
He likely could have phrased this better. I would have suggested to him that state taste as a matter of personal preference, not as a binary "good"/"bad" choice. However, for a one time event, responding with "[crying] for days" seems like you are conflating a preference on his part with a failure on your part. Those are not the same thing. It is healthy for partners to have preferences in their sexual acts, and it is healthy for partners to communicate those preferences to each other. Although he could work on his phrasing, you could work on communication with him and with accepting that he may do things for your benefit and not his own.
posted by saeculorum at 9:55 AM on December 10, 2024 [8 favorites]
My guess is, since you're his first sexual partner, that it's not you, it's him. That he has some weird idea of what vaginas should taste like (I am assuming you have a vagina from the "get wet" part) and that you actually are completely normal and he just does not know this. What you have to decide now, is if not receiving oral is something you're OK with in this relationship -- because yeah he totally ruined your ability to enjoy it, and that's going to be hard to overcome. But I bet you are actually totally fine and normal and you definitely should not think you are somehow defective.
posted by biblioPHL at 9:59 AM on December 10, 2024 [57 favorites]
posted by biblioPHL at 9:59 AM on December 10, 2024 [57 favorites]
This has touched something really raw in you, and I sympathize immensely. I would say, given your past history, it seems very unlikely there’s something physically off-kilter, though it might be reassuring to you to go to the gyno and double check.
But I would also push back against the idea that there is something wrong with your boyfriend for not wanting to perform oral. Men are allowed to have boundaries, even sexual ones. He may not have been prepared by the culture, and especially porn, for the actual experience, and his mistake was guessing that this was something particular to you as opposed to vaginas in general. But a woman who found herself shocked by the intensity of the taste and smell of her boyfriend’s ejaculate in her mouth would be in a very similar position, and the last way anyone should respond wild be to pressure her through it for fear of hurting him. One of the ways porn lies to us, in addition to stripping away so much of the sensory aspect of sex and turning it into a wholly visual phenomenon, is to take a wide range of sexual behaviors, from oral to anal to bondage, and suggest that they’re all standard behaviors and that anyone who doesn’t want to engage with them is somehow abnormal and deficient. No. People have different preferences and just as there’s nothing wrong with wanting to do some things sexually, there’s nothing wrong with not doing any of those things, either.
Maybe your boyfriend has sensory sensitivities that makes oral unpleasant for him, or maybe it’s just his preference. Either way, it’s up to you to love yourself enough to not take his boundary as a reflection on you. You’ve got body trauma; so do I. I sympathize immensely. But he can’t fix that for you by overriding his own needs and desires, even when they conflict with yours, and it won’t benefit either of you to force him to try.
posted by Merricat Blackwood at 10:22 AM on December 10, 2024 [16 favorites]
But I would also push back against the idea that there is something wrong with your boyfriend for not wanting to perform oral. Men are allowed to have boundaries, even sexual ones. He may not have been prepared by the culture, and especially porn, for the actual experience, and his mistake was guessing that this was something particular to you as opposed to vaginas in general. But a woman who found herself shocked by the intensity of the taste and smell of her boyfriend’s ejaculate in her mouth would be in a very similar position, and the last way anyone should respond wild be to pressure her through it for fear of hurting him. One of the ways porn lies to us, in addition to stripping away so much of the sensory aspect of sex and turning it into a wholly visual phenomenon, is to take a wide range of sexual behaviors, from oral to anal to bondage, and suggest that they’re all standard behaviors and that anyone who doesn’t want to engage with them is somehow abnormal and deficient. No. People have different preferences and just as there’s nothing wrong with wanting to do some things sexually, there’s nothing wrong with not doing any of those things, either.
Maybe your boyfriend has sensory sensitivities that makes oral unpleasant for him, or maybe it’s just his preference. Either way, it’s up to you to love yourself enough to not take his boundary as a reflection on you. You’ve got body trauma; so do I. I sympathize immensely. But he can’t fix that for you by overriding his own needs and desires, even when they conflict with yours, and it won’t benefit either of you to force him to try.
posted by Merricat Blackwood at 10:22 AM on December 10, 2024 [16 favorites]
As you are his first sexual partner, he actually has no idea what people taste like. So he took something he doesn't like doing and made it your fault he doesn't like doing it so now you feel like crap and he doesn't have to do something he didn't want to do.
Furthermore, he is refusing to own that he caused the damage by saying that he wouldn't be hurt by similar things. Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn't, but maybe it didn't matter because you are the one who is hurt and he caused it.
I am not saying DTMFA, but I am saying look carefully at your relationship to see if he blames you for things and makes you feel bad about other things in order to get his way, because that way lies emotional (and sometimes eventually physical) abuse.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:22 AM on December 10, 2024 [47 favorites]
Furthermore, he is refusing to own that he caused the damage by saying that he wouldn't be hurt by similar things. Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn't, but maybe it didn't matter because you are the one who is hurt and he caused it.
I am not saying DTMFA, but I am saying look carefully at your relationship to see if he blames you for things and makes you feel bad about other things in order to get his way, because that way lies emotional (and sometimes eventually physical) abuse.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:22 AM on December 10, 2024 [47 favorites]
Not to downplay the emotional aspect but I would suggest this may be a him problem: Some people do not like this practice and he actually told you that is the case. IMHO this is correlated with sexism but I'm sure there are lots of anecdotes about feminists who aren't into it but basically whatever the reasons this likely has zero percent to do with you and 100% to do with him. You can also taste yourself and see what you think.
posted by latkes at 10:34 AM on December 10, 2024 [1 favorite]
posted by latkes at 10:34 AM on December 10, 2024 [1 favorite]
He told me that if the roles were reversed, he’d just shrug it off, be okay with me not enjoying it, and move on
well as a penis-haver I can say that "your penis is small, weirdly shaped, and feels uncomfortable" would be very difficult to move on from, if he's looking for a way to empathize with you then maybe you could invite him to imagine being told that instead
posted by BungaDunga at 10:36 AM on December 10, 2024 [11 favorites]
well as a penis-haver I can say that "your penis is small, weirdly shaped, and feels uncomfortable" would be very difficult to move on from, if he's looking for a way to empathize with you then maybe you could invite him to imagine being told that instead
posted by BungaDunga at 10:36 AM on December 10, 2024 [11 favorites]
A couple of things.
First, ph differences, including throughout your reproductive cycle alter what your vaginal fluid tastes like. You taste different at different times, and yes, during UTIs. However, these are all generally within the range of normal, and people who like vaginas and have a lot of experience with vaginas don't let it stop them.
I wonder, however, if he may have either sensory issues or kind of.. cleanliness-focused issues? Some people are freaked out a little bit by fluids because they overthink them, and if they watch porn, sometimes they get the sense that vaginal fluid is just naturally the tastiest thing since ice cream, which even for vagina lovers it is generally not. It's okay! There's nothing wrong with it! But his expectations may not be matching with reality.
However I really empathize with you on the reaction. Sex is so vulnerable, especially if you've had trauma, that someone telling you that something you do bothers them feels really bad. Be kind to yourself, remember it's a him thing, and try to avoid the oral thing entirely for a while.
posted by corb at 10:37 AM on December 10, 2024 [2 favorites]
First, ph differences, including throughout your reproductive cycle alter what your vaginal fluid tastes like. You taste different at different times, and yes, during UTIs. However, these are all generally within the range of normal, and people who like vaginas and have a lot of experience with vaginas don't let it stop them.
I wonder, however, if he may have either sensory issues or kind of.. cleanliness-focused issues? Some people are freaked out a little bit by fluids because they overthink them, and if they watch porn, sometimes they get the sense that vaginal fluid is just naturally the tastiest thing since ice cream, which even for vagina lovers it is generally not. It's okay! There's nothing wrong with it! But his expectations may not be matching with reality.
However I really empathize with you on the reaction. Sex is so vulnerable, especially if you've had trauma, that someone telling you that something you do bothers them feels really bad. Be kind to yourself, remember it's a him thing, and try to avoid the oral thing entirely for a while.
posted by corb at 10:37 AM on December 10, 2024 [2 favorites]
The OP listed out all the lifestyle changes she has undertaken as well as having tasted herself and seeing a doctor. Please do her the kindness of actually reading her post.
That being said, I agree that if you're his first partner he may not be able to gauge what is normal. It's also possible that he...just doesn't enjoy the taste, which is his prerogative. I enjoy going down on my male partners but I truly truly cannot stomach the...outcome (so to speak) being in my mouth (elsehwere is fine). I've discussed this with partners early, and it hasn't been a dealbreaker for them. I know I'm an outlier, and if it were a dealbreaker for a partner, then it would be a dealbreaker.
I think it's worth having some more discussion around with your partner. If it's an issue for him, it's a not a moral failure on your part, it's just an incompatibility that you have to decide is something you can work around or not.
posted by greta simone at 10:41 AM on December 10, 2024 [7 favorites]
That being said, I agree that if you're his first partner he may not be able to gauge what is normal. It's also possible that he...just doesn't enjoy the taste, which is his prerogative. I enjoy going down on my male partners but I truly truly cannot stomach the...outcome (so to speak) being in my mouth (elsehwere is fine). I've discussed this with partners early, and it hasn't been a dealbreaker for them. I know I'm an outlier, and if it were a dealbreaker for a partner, then it would be a dealbreaker.
I think it's worth having some more discussion around with your partner. If it's an issue for him, it's a not a moral failure on your part, it's just an incompatibility that you have to decide is something you can work around or not.
posted by greta simone at 10:41 AM on December 10, 2024 [7 favorites]
You've gotten a lot of good advice here about the complex interpersonal situation, and I won't add to that. From a purely practical point of view, if you're both invested in making this work: you might try using dental dams.
posted by dizziest at 10:56 AM on December 10, 2024 [6 favorites]
posted by dizziest at 10:56 AM on December 10, 2024 [6 favorites]
1. It's totally fine for anyone not to do a particular sexual act for any reason.
2. The way we communicate about this is super important, and it's quite insensitive for your partner to have said you are gross and suggest you are unhygienic and that you taste bad. Even if he thought all those things were true (!), a better way to have said this would have made it about him: "I don't like to perform oral sex" is very different than "You are gross." Or, if he really thought you needed to clean up, he could have gone with, "Hey, let's hop in the shower for sexy times" (or whatever) or brought it up during a time when you weren't having sex along the lines of, "Hey, so I am not loving oral sex, and I have wondered if it might be different if we tried that right after showering." But the blame here is not good.
So, both of these things are true. He gets to not want to go down on you, and the way he expressed that was pretty terrible! He made it about something physically wrong with you rather than his experience of it. It was not gentle or compassionate, which is what we should ideally bring to conversations with partners about sensitive issues.
You seem to love him and really want to be in relationship with him, so I really think you all need to get into couples counseling asap. I'd second the suggestion for working with a compassionate couples and sex therapist who is trauma-informed. I don't know how else you all are going to move forward. I think you all need a few things here:
1. It would be great for him to understand his communication around this and why it was not ideal (because I suspect it might be related to defensiveness or shame on his part, possibly?)
2. It would be great for you to understand your reaction to it (I notice that you spent a lot of time explaining your history and very little about him, so I think you are blaming yourself a lot here, which must feel terrible!)
3. You all really need to work through this together, with a therapist, to move forward in your relationship, because this is a really huge issue and an inflection point. I think you can work through this, if you do so with intention and effort from both of you. I think if you don't go into therapy, you might really well end up stuck here, even if you stay together.
Going to therapy doesn't mean your relationship isn't good. It means you are working, together, to be in relationship with each other better. It's also not all black or white. It's doesn't have to be, "we have an amazing relationship." It can be, "we are working through some issues because we love and care about each other and want to make this work."
Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:29 AM on December 10, 2024 [3 favorites]
2. The way we communicate about this is super important, and it's quite insensitive for your partner to have said you are gross and suggest you are unhygienic and that you taste bad. Even if he thought all those things were true (!), a better way to have said this would have made it about him: "I don't like to perform oral sex" is very different than "You are gross." Or, if he really thought you needed to clean up, he could have gone with, "Hey, let's hop in the shower for sexy times" (or whatever) or brought it up during a time when you weren't having sex along the lines of, "Hey, so I am not loving oral sex, and I have wondered if it might be different if we tried that right after showering." But the blame here is not good.
So, both of these things are true. He gets to not want to go down on you, and the way he expressed that was pretty terrible! He made it about something physically wrong with you rather than his experience of it. It was not gentle or compassionate, which is what we should ideally bring to conversations with partners about sensitive issues.
You seem to love him and really want to be in relationship with him, so I really think you all need to get into couples counseling asap. I'd second the suggestion for working with a compassionate couples and sex therapist who is trauma-informed. I don't know how else you all are going to move forward. I think you all need a few things here:
1. It would be great for him to understand his communication around this and why it was not ideal (because I suspect it might be related to defensiveness or shame on his part, possibly?)
2. It would be great for you to understand your reaction to it (I notice that you spent a lot of time explaining your history and very little about him, so I think you are blaming yourself a lot here, which must feel terrible!)
3. You all really need to work through this together, with a therapist, to move forward in your relationship, because this is a really huge issue and an inflection point. I think you can work through this, if you do so with intention and effort from both of you. I think if you don't go into therapy, you might really well end up stuck here, even if you stay together.
Going to therapy doesn't mean your relationship isn't good. It means you are working, together, to be in relationship with each other better. It's also not all black or white. It's doesn't have to be, "we have an amazing relationship." It can be, "we are working through some issues because we love and care about each other and want to make this work."
Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:29 AM on December 10, 2024 [3 favorites]
I dunno, man. as savage says, "what year is it? oral is mandatory, as is being good at it."
dude would probably be squicked by anyone's gear. he's inexperienced and has a hangup. I think it's a matter of education.
come as you are
ultimate guide to cunnilingus
she comes first
posted by j_curiouser at 12:38 PM on December 10, 2024 [7 favorites]
dude would probably be squicked by anyone's gear. he's inexperienced and has a hangup. I think it's a matter of education.
come as you are
ultimate guide to cunnilingus
she comes first
posted by j_curiouser at 12:38 PM on December 10, 2024 [7 favorites]
This feels like your inexperienced boyfriend's problem and probably the only solution is couple's counseling to restore trust and him getting some education.
I'm sorry he said a thing to you that was this hurtful. He could have done better with it in my opinion.
posted by kensington314 at 1:56 PM on December 10, 2024 [2 favorites]
I'm sorry he said a thing to you that was this hurtful. He could have done better with it in my opinion.
posted by kensington314 at 1:56 PM on December 10, 2024 [2 favorites]
If he doesn't like oral sex he should take responsibility for that instead of making it your problem.
It's fine if he doesn't, he can learn to do other things - as he clearly has before. Blaming you instead of considering that people just taste like they taste, for the most part, is...eh, hey may not realize it's misogyny but I think it likely is rooted in a lot of myths about women's bodies.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:07 PM on December 10, 2024 [2 favorites]
It's fine if he doesn't, he can learn to do other things - as he clearly has before. Blaming you instead of considering that people just taste like they taste, for the most part, is...eh, hey may not realize it's misogyny but I think it likely is rooted in a lot of myths about women's bodies.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:07 PM on December 10, 2024 [2 favorites]
Honestly it sounds to me like he came to this relationship thinking that vaginas taste like coffee creamer or caramel syrup and has been rudely awakened. I mean it's OK for him not to like performing a sexual act, but it's also OK for OP to have a perfectly normal human body that functions (and tastes) like a human body should.
posted by HypotheticalWoman at 2:40 PM on December 10, 2024 [5 favorites]
posted by HypotheticalWoman at 2:40 PM on December 10, 2024 [5 favorites]
For the past two months, this has consumed me.
This really sticks out, for me.
If he is worth it, I think he needs to learn about women's bodies and understand, as corb pointed out, that body chemistry changes and the stuff we emit can change from one cycle to another, regardless of diet (though diet can have impacts for sure). He needs to know that oral sex given and received is an important part of your relationship (assuming it is, for you).
I'd wish this for anyone, but for you right now especially, that you can be intimate with someone and not worry about this shit. Good luck!
posted by ginger.beef at 3:23 PM on December 10, 2024 [2 favorites]
This really sticks out, for me.
If he is worth it, I think he needs to learn about women's bodies and understand, as corb pointed out, that body chemistry changes and the stuff we emit can change from one cycle to another, regardless of diet (though diet can have impacts for sure). He needs to know that oral sex given and received is an important part of your relationship (assuming it is, for you).
I'd wish this for anyone, but for you right now especially, that you can be intimate with someone and not worry about this shit. Good luck!
posted by ginger.beef at 3:23 PM on December 10, 2024 [2 favorites]
Your boyfriend was really unkind. He could have said the same thing so much nicer. It'd be like if he was outside in the heat, got sweat and you told him his balls smell like disgusting. You'd probably never do that so it's not okay for him to be so harsh. Feel like it's not you probably and more that your boyfriend is sensitive and inexperienced.
Onward to problem solving. Ask him what he smelled but tell him to try to considerate about it. Was it pee, infection or does he just not like what a normal woman smells like. Rule out infection with a doctor. If it comes back positive, your boyfriend needs to get tested. Guys can keep re-infecting their partner and it can be a real problem.
If everything is fine, try taking a bath before sex. It's like dishes, soaking things gets them cleaner. You can wash but don't use soap. It's not good for your bits. If he just doesn't care for the taste, have him stay at the top and away from the opening.
Be easier on yourself. If it was that terrible, I think you'd notice. When I read your post at first, I was worried it was your boyfriend tearing you down so you'd be willing to accept sex being one sided in his direction. From what you wrote, it sounds like it could be unrealistic expectations or he's very sensitive. If you have an ex your friendly with, you could always ask if there was any funk they noticed but still guessing it's more on your boyfriend's end than you.
posted by stray thoughts at 6:43 PM on December 10, 2024
Onward to problem solving. Ask him what he smelled but tell him to try to considerate about it. Was it pee, infection or does he just not like what a normal woman smells like. Rule out infection with a doctor. If it comes back positive, your boyfriend needs to get tested. Guys can keep re-infecting their partner and it can be a real problem.
If everything is fine, try taking a bath before sex. It's like dishes, soaking things gets them cleaner. You can wash but don't use soap. It's not good for your bits. If he just doesn't care for the taste, have him stay at the top and away from the opening.
Be easier on yourself. If it was that terrible, I think you'd notice. When I read your post at first, I was worried it was your boyfriend tearing you down so you'd be willing to accept sex being one sided in his direction. From what you wrote, it sounds like it could be unrealistic expectations or he's very sensitive. If you have an ex your friendly with, you could always ask if there was any funk they noticed but still guessing it's more on your boyfriend's end than you.
posted by stray thoughts at 6:43 PM on December 10, 2024
I am clean, shave, I use intimate soap every now and then, otherwise just water
...
You can wash but don't use soap. It's not good for your bits.
People say this, but mild soap such as Dove bar soap (the fragrance-free hypoallergenic one) is just fine on your vulva as long as you wash it all off. Just water definitely isn't always sufficient. I'm not saying he's right or wrong here, but washing every time with mild bar soap is something to consider trying.
posted by limeonaire at 9:21 PM on December 10, 2024 [1 favorite]
...
You can wash but don't use soap. It's not good for your bits.
People say this, but mild soap such as Dove bar soap (the fragrance-free hypoallergenic one) is just fine on your vulva as long as you wash it all off. Just water definitely isn't always sufficient. I'm not saying he's right or wrong here, but washing every time with mild bar soap is something to consider trying.
posted by limeonaire at 9:21 PM on December 10, 2024 [1 favorite]
Have you tried it with a dental dam?
posted by Jacqueline at 9:24 PM on December 10, 2024
posted by Jacqueline at 9:24 PM on December 10, 2024
This is a good opportunity for you both to jointly seek a conversation with a therapist, if that's comfortable enough for you to consider. Even a single session would be helpful, because you two could really benefit from thinking about how to communicate well (and kindly). This stuff is so hard to talk about because the potential for misunderstanding is so high and misunderstanding can lead to hurt feelings, as you well know. Take this as a reminder that you can learn skills quickly that can help with this aspect. Your partner can learn to talk about this in a way that doesn't make you feel judged, for instance. The way they are perceiving taste and consistency doesn't have to be a reflection of you.
I'm a toxicologist and work in drug development. It is way more common than anyone realizes to have taste and smell changes that are detectable during sex, especially when there are pharmaceuticals involved. Remind yourself that what you're considering how "you" taste is also how they "are tasting," so this is a shared phenomenon even if there aren't any pharmaceutical downstream effects involved. I bring this up just to make sure you know that many, many people go through similar struggles and, as best as I can tell, are horrified and hurt to talk about it under the best circumstances. You heard this feedback in a very poorly thought out way and are suffering for it. Working on the communication around how you feel now, and doing that first, is foundation worth working on. You can get into the details of your partner's comments once you feel more confident in that foundation.
Big hug, and thank you for being vulnerable enough to bring up this question.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 4:53 AM on December 11, 2024
I'm a toxicologist and work in drug development. It is way more common than anyone realizes to have taste and smell changes that are detectable during sex, especially when there are pharmaceuticals involved. Remind yourself that what you're considering how "you" taste is also how they "are tasting," so this is a shared phenomenon even if there aren't any pharmaceutical downstream effects involved. I bring this up just to make sure you know that many, many people go through similar struggles and, as best as I can tell, are horrified and hurt to talk about it under the best circumstances. You heard this feedback in a very poorly thought out way and are suffering for it. Working on the communication around how you feel now, and doing that first, is foundation worth working on. You can get into the details of your partner's comments once you feel more confident in that foundation.
Big hug, and thank you for being vulnerable enough to bring up this question.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 4:53 AM on December 11, 2024
InisMona, for the record I'm cis male and my wording could suggest I'm focusing on body chemistry in women but the truth is if you're partners with someone for any length of time you will experience variation in consistency and taste, I'm enough of a prude that I feel a bit awkward typing that but your question is a good one and couples who are staying together long term really benefit from feeling safe to communicate about their intimate relationship, not to constantly go with whatever but to negotiate for optimal results where everyone is getting what they need. And to focus this as a woman thing is not my intent, visit any dumb boys' locker room and the comments about "monkey dick" etc. flourish (referring to grooming, smell, whatever). I've never been in a girls' locker room to know the banter, but boys often go for the low-hanging fruit of humour and the bad learned behaviour and bad ideas just get baked into the bad jokes.
Wishing you all the best.
posted by ginger.beef at 7:11 AM on December 11, 2024
Wishing you all the best.
posted by ginger.beef at 7:11 AM on December 11, 2024
Just a suggestion, unless you really love going down on your partners: if oral is off the table, it's off the table for *everybody.*
posted by kate4914 at 4:50 PM on December 11, 2024 [1 favorite]
posted by kate4914 at 4:50 PM on December 11, 2024 [1 favorite]
I don't think any kind of tit-for-tat or gameplaying is going to help this poster or this couple. "If you think I'm gross, I won't give you a blow job" might briefly feel vindicating, but it's not going to help the poster feel better, or this couple to communicate better.
posted by bluedaisy at 5:14 PM on December 11, 2024
posted by bluedaisy at 5:14 PM on December 11, 2024
You are not logged in, either login or create an account to post comments
Most people usually taste fine as long as
a) they shower with soap and water daily - preferably fragrancefree soap, with the soap thoroughly rinsed off afterwards
b) they don't have any kind of infection at the time
like a yeast/thrush infection
c) they don't smoke cigarettes
d) they don't drink a lot of alcohol
e) they drink enough water
f) they don't eat a tonne of red meat.
You could try tasting yourself, by touching yourself, and then putting your fingers in your mouth? That might help reassure you. If you do this, make sure you've washed your hands with fragrance free soap and then rinsed the soap off thoroughly first, otherwise you'll be tasting the soap on your fingers, and soap can taste bitter.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 9:38 AM on December 10, 2024 [3 favorites]