Cohabitating in middle age
December 9, 2024 12:46 PM Subscribe
My partner (49) and I (52) are considering moving in together—specifically, her moving into my house. This would be a big relationship step and life transition for both of us, especially at this age and with kids involved. So equal parts excitement and nerves. We’re looking for advice on how we could make this go as smoothly as possible.
Background: we’ve lived separately the five years we’ve been together. I also have my two teenage daughters every other week. My only other experience living with a partner, my ex, did not end well. (My current partner has lived with SOs numerous times, but always in rentals.)
Here are some of the main issues we’ve thought of, not necessarily in order of importance:
1. We agree that the biggest factor that could make or break this experiment is that the house feels like *our* place, even though I own it. Apart from bringing in her stuff, how can make sure she doesn’t just feel like a roommate?
2. We’re both the type who needs a lot of mental and physical space and both have been living alone for years. How can we give each other enough room, literally and otherwise, so we don’t drive each other crazy?
3. Can or should we try a trial period to see how it goes? The only other times we've been around each other 24/7 for more than a long weekend is while traveling (which, encouragingly, always seems to go well). Maybe we should consider putting her extra stuff in storage for a bit just to make sure it’s working?
4. My girls love my partner, but living together would integrate her into their lives in a much more central way. Basically a big step toward being a stepparent. How can we make that transition work best all around?
5. What about splitting expenses?
6. We both work from home and there’s only one office. I work a little in coffee shops almost every weekday, but I need to do phone interviews from home three days a week. My partner goes into the office two of those three days, but otherwise has to work at home. Sharing an office would be tough; I did that with my ex and it was too claustrophobic to last very long. What to do?
7. I have a cat and she has two. Aside from the challenges of introducing them to each other, one of hers eats every plant in sight, so she’s lived plant-less for years. It’s hard for me to imagine living in a house without plants. Is there a middle ground?
I know the answer to most of these questions can be summed up as “talk about it honestly and often and be willing to compromise,” but any specific suggestions from personal experience would be hugely helpful. Anything else we haven’t considered?
Background: we’ve lived separately the five years we’ve been together. I also have my two teenage daughters every other week. My only other experience living with a partner, my ex, did not end well. (My current partner has lived with SOs numerous times, but always in rentals.)
Here are some of the main issues we’ve thought of, not necessarily in order of importance:
1. We agree that the biggest factor that could make or break this experiment is that the house feels like *our* place, even though I own it. Apart from bringing in her stuff, how can make sure she doesn’t just feel like a roommate?
2. We’re both the type who needs a lot of mental and physical space and both have been living alone for years. How can we give each other enough room, literally and otherwise, so we don’t drive each other crazy?
3. Can or should we try a trial period to see how it goes? The only other times we've been around each other 24/7 for more than a long weekend is while traveling (which, encouragingly, always seems to go well). Maybe we should consider putting her extra stuff in storage for a bit just to make sure it’s working?
4. My girls love my partner, but living together would integrate her into their lives in a much more central way. Basically a big step toward being a stepparent. How can we make that transition work best all around?
5. What about splitting expenses?
6. We both work from home and there’s only one office. I work a little in coffee shops almost every weekday, but I need to do phone interviews from home three days a week. My partner goes into the office two of those three days, but otherwise has to work at home. Sharing an office would be tough; I did that with my ex and it was too claustrophobic to last very long. What to do?
7. I have a cat and she has two. Aside from the challenges of introducing them to each other, one of hers eats every plant in sight, so she’s lived plant-less for years. It’s hard for me to imagine living in a house without plants. Is there a middle ground?
I know the answer to most of these questions can be summed up as “talk about it honestly and often and be willing to compromise,” but any specific suggestions from personal experience would be hugely helpful. Anything else we haven’t considered?
I moved in with then-girlfriend, now fiancee.
1. We talked together about what I'd bring from my apartment or not. We rearranged the kitchen to fit in all that I was bringing. Half of the bedroom, half of the bathroom drawers, and half of the walk in closet were emptied for me to move in. She's encouraged me to get/buy artwork if something appeals to me. The home office is mostly my space, and when I wanted to paint it, she didn't even ask to see the colour I wanted; just said "yes." She's aware that my moving to her location (she has a teen mostly full custody) was a sacrifice. And while I'm looking to not make a lot of waves (because of the teen), whenever I have needed space, she's been happy to give it.
2. Sometimes we do things independently. She might watch a show I don't care about while I read. I might read on the couch next to her, or I might do it elsewhere. I might play games off on my own. We both are aware we're introverts, and make allowance to when/if the other wants a bit of increased solitude. I also look to be out of the house at least one night per week.
3. YES! Do a trial for as looooong as you can. Three months minimum. For a few months I was coming over from Friday to Monday. This way I stopped being a "guest" in the house to her and her kid. I definitely saw some slight behaviour differences when her kid stopped being on best behaviour and started acting more "naturally" around me. As well, at this point if there are changes that either of you need from the other (especially if it's related to parenting and/or the kids), give this a few months to be sure that the changes stuck.
4. I am a Fun Uncle. I'm not a parent. I don't try to discipline her kid, and if there's ever a problem that I have with her kid/their behaviour, I'd take this to my fiancee. As your kids are already teens, I don't think that you should really expect, or bank on your partner becoming more of a parent. Yes, her kid and I have deepened our relationship with me living here (especially with mostly full custody vs. 50/50), but I'm not her dad. I'm not even dad adjacent.
5. This will need to be personal for the two of you. What's important is that you two both feel it's "fair." Our arrangement allows my fiancee and I to approximately split the "total savings" from combining our households. I'm not taking up regular spending on her kid. I'm not saving for their college. I do gifts, but those are my choice. If we do an activity, I pay my way, and she pays for her and her kid, unless I'm "treating." 50/50 is for business partners. Rarely will 50/50 feel fair to both halves of a cohabitating romantic partnership. Especially with one side having kids.
I will say that if there's more than enough pie, it's really easy to split a pie. If there's only a half a piece that two are trying to split, that's where it's easy to argue about milimeters.
6. Same here, only one office, but she only works from home two days of the week. She has a laptop, so can use the kitchen pretty easily for video calls, and she rarely likes to use the office. But both of us have a desk in the office, so we can both be here. If you really can't handle the combined time, you'll need to setup a separate space. Bedroom? Guestroom?
7. Blocking off cats from a room kind of sucks. Sorry, but long term your plants are getting eaten. My one plant that I tried to keep here died because the only cat-safe space was too out-of-sight for me. Living together sometimes requires weird sacrifices. No plants is one of those for me.
posted by nobeagle at 1:15 PM on December 9 [3 favorites]
1. We talked together about what I'd bring from my apartment or not. We rearranged the kitchen to fit in all that I was bringing. Half of the bedroom, half of the bathroom drawers, and half of the walk in closet were emptied for me to move in. She's encouraged me to get/buy artwork if something appeals to me. The home office is mostly my space, and when I wanted to paint it, she didn't even ask to see the colour I wanted; just said "yes." She's aware that my moving to her location (she has a teen mostly full custody) was a sacrifice. And while I'm looking to not make a lot of waves (because of the teen), whenever I have needed space, she's been happy to give it.
2. Sometimes we do things independently. She might watch a show I don't care about while I read. I might read on the couch next to her, or I might do it elsewhere. I might play games off on my own. We both are aware we're introverts, and make allowance to when/if the other wants a bit of increased solitude. I also look to be out of the house at least one night per week.
3. YES! Do a trial for as looooong as you can. Three months minimum. For a few months I was coming over from Friday to Monday. This way I stopped being a "guest" in the house to her and her kid. I definitely saw some slight behaviour differences when her kid stopped being on best behaviour and started acting more "naturally" around me. As well, at this point if there are changes that either of you need from the other (especially if it's related to parenting and/or the kids), give this a few months to be sure that the changes stuck.
4. I am a Fun Uncle. I'm not a parent. I don't try to discipline her kid, and if there's ever a problem that I have with her kid/their behaviour, I'd take this to my fiancee. As your kids are already teens, I don't think that you should really expect, or bank on your partner becoming more of a parent. Yes, her kid and I have deepened our relationship with me living here (especially with mostly full custody vs. 50/50), but I'm not her dad. I'm not even dad adjacent.
5. This will need to be personal for the two of you. What's important is that you two both feel it's "fair." Our arrangement allows my fiancee and I to approximately split the "total savings" from combining our households. I'm not taking up regular spending on her kid. I'm not saving for their college. I do gifts, but those are my choice. If we do an activity, I pay my way, and she pays for her and her kid, unless I'm "treating." 50/50 is for business partners. Rarely will 50/50 feel fair to both halves of a cohabitating romantic partnership. Especially with one side having kids.
I will say that if there's more than enough pie, it's really easy to split a pie. If there's only a half a piece that two are trying to split, that's where it's easy to argue about milimeters.
6. Same here, only one office, but she only works from home two days of the week. She has a laptop, so can use the kitchen pretty easily for video calls, and she rarely likes to use the office. But both of us have a desk in the office, so we can both be here. If you really can't handle the combined time, you'll need to setup a separate space. Bedroom? Guestroom?
7. Blocking off cats from a room kind of sucks. Sorry, but long term your plants are getting eaten. My one plant that I tried to keep here died because the only cat-safe space was too out-of-sight for me. Living together sometimes requires weird sacrifices. No plants is one of those for me.
posted by nobeagle at 1:15 PM on December 9 [3 favorites]
The issue of the shared office is one that is going to be very difficult to resolve without one person feeling it’s unfair. More likely both will feel it’s unfair and it could also be damaging to your careers. Is there a reason why you want to move in together now, after five years of living apart? What is the timeline on your daughters leaving the nest? Would that give you more space? Not having kids at home sharing living space would also help with #4.
posted by stellaluna at 1:16 PM on December 9 [3 favorites]
posted by stellaluna at 1:16 PM on December 9 [3 favorites]
The best way to deal with getting enough space is for each of you to have your own space. If you don't have enough rooms otherwise, move into your office and she gets the bedroom (where she can also set up a workspace to solve that issue).
posted by metasarah at 1:33 PM on December 9 [1 favorite]
posted by metasarah at 1:33 PM on December 9 [1 favorite]
If you are a man and your partner a woman, you both (but especially she) should consider keeping her place for at least a year if not more, if you're able, and you both pay for it. For the time being, it can be the default office of whoever needs it. You can refer to it as "the office" to symbolize you're all-in on living together, but I won't ever not recommend this option to a woman moving in with a man.
4) Integrating your SO into life with your kids. This is the most important issue.
You need to be on the same page, down to practicalities of tasks and what-if's, about this before you move in. It's stressful to trouble-shoot parenting, or even "parenting," while you're parenting and also acclimating to a new romantic level and a new living situation.
- Do you expect SO to do any parenting tasks if you're not home, such as cook dinner for the kids, drive them to a friend's house because they forgot their chemistry book there, pick them up from activities, move their wet clothes into the drier, lend them an ATM card or money if they lost theirs or are low, decide if and when friends can come over if you're not around, check that they're heading toward sleep, etc.?
- Do you want SO to do these things proactively, because they notice they need to be done? Does SO think they'll do them only if asked? Does SO expect/want to not be in a parenting role, even if they're in the house when parenting needs to happen? Do you want SO to exempt themselves from any parenting? What about when parenting needs to happen?? Where are you both on these sorts of situations?
- Do you have ways to arrest the slide toward gendered roles in the home? How?
- What if your kids trust SO enough to share things with them, that they don't want shared with you? Should SO share them with you? Should SO honor the trust of your kids? Do you trust your SO to make the call in the moment or should you spell out things that must be shared with you? Should you let your kids know that?
- In what situations should SO involve your co-parent if you're not reachable? What is that relationship like? What does it need to be like?
I mean, there's just a lot with kids involved. Even if they're teens who handle daily living activities themselves, there's always something. That's just off the top of my head, from an experience when an ex moved in and it was unsuccessful despite a long on-ramp and conversations about this. The quasi-parenting wasn't the main reason it failed, but I built up a lot of resentment at our wildly different levels of responsibility in the home overall.
Agree on these things to start, knowing there is still the expectation that things will have escaped the discussion, or meandered, or changed. The arrangement of furniture, clothing, cats, plants falls far down on the list.
posted by cocoagirl at 1:37 PM on December 9 [3 favorites]
4) Integrating your SO into life with your kids. This is the most important issue.
You need to be on the same page, down to practicalities of tasks and what-if's, about this before you move in. It's stressful to trouble-shoot parenting, or even "parenting," while you're parenting and also acclimating to a new romantic level and a new living situation.
- Do you expect SO to do any parenting tasks if you're not home, such as cook dinner for the kids, drive them to a friend's house because they forgot their chemistry book there, pick them up from activities, move their wet clothes into the drier, lend them an ATM card or money if they lost theirs or are low, decide if and when friends can come over if you're not around, check that they're heading toward sleep, etc.?
- Do you want SO to do these things proactively, because they notice they need to be done? Does SO think they'll do them only if asked? Does SO expect/want to not be in a parenting role, even if they're in the house when parenting needs to happen? Do you want SO to exempt themselves from any parenting? What about when parenting needs to happen?? Where are you both on these sorts of situations?
- Do you have ways to arrest the slide toward gendered roles in the home? How?
- What if your kids trust SO enough to share things with them, that they don't want shared with you? Should SO share them with you? Should SO honor the trust of your kids? Do you trust your SO to make the call in the moment or should you spell out things that must be shared with you? Should you let your kids know that?
- In what situations should SO involve your co-parent if you're not reachable? What is that relationship like? What does it need to be like?
I mean, there's just a lot with kids involved. Even if they're teens who handle daily living activities themselves, there's always something. That's just off the top of my head, from an experience when an ex moved in and it was unsuccessful despite a long on-ramp and conversations about this. The quasi-parenting wasn't the main reason it failed, but I built up a lot of resentment at our wildly different levels of responsibility in the home overall.
Agree on these things to start, knowing there is still the expectation that things will have escaped the discussion, or meandered, or changed. The arrangement of furniture, clothing, cats, plants falls far down on the list.
posted by cocoagirl at 1:37 PM on December 9 [3 favorites]
I actually think your biggest issues are going to be sharing not-quite-enough-space and also your daughters. First, about your kids: the dynamics can change a lot when a parent's partner moves into the house full time. You haven't told us how much time she is spending there when your have your daughters, but I am guessing it's not every single night. It's going to be a really different dynamic when she moves in with her stuff; your daughters might have some feelings about that, especially if they are attached to any of your stuff that goes away, and because she might not be used to teen girls being around her stuff and her cat. Also, your daughters are likely to have less one-on-one or two-on-one (two daughters and you) with you. So I recommend being very intentional about spending time with just your kids and not always with your partner around all the time. When teens are busy and have their own lives, it can sometimes seem like they don't need us as much, but they still need us, probably even more now that their parent's home will also be their parent's partner's home. This is a huge emotional shift for them, even if they like her now.
You also haven't told us how far your partner lives from you. Is it possible to give it a trial run while your partner still maintains her other place? So, she would still have her place with her stuff, but she'd move in some things, or at least start spend more nights there when the kids are and aren't around, and basing out of there more during her work week, including you all trying to both work from home, and maybe including bringing the cat over. If it's a real pain with the cats, better to know that now than before she gives up her place.
If you can't do that: well, I presume you all are going to save some money living together, so I think you should consider giving her the office permanently and having you get a coworking space or renting a some sort of small office nearby. This is for a few reasons: first, her having the office as her space gives her more autonomy and feeling of ownership and belonging in your house; next, it solves the problem with your phone interviews and needing to work from home sometimes. I would guess this would cost less than whatever she is paying in rent. If that doesn't work: can you do your phone interviews from a bedroom?
About the cats and plants: I successfully used a cat-deterring plant spray (you can mix it, but I bought some online) to keep my chomper away from my plants, and she eventually stopped eating plants at all inside. She could also try buying some wheatgrass for her cat.
Dan Savage has said that moving in together is a bigger decision than getting married. If you are both the marrying type but don't want to get married right now, it's worth reflecting on why moving in together feels like less of a commitment. I don't mean you shouldn't live together if you aren't married, but just that it's a really big step to live together, especially with kids, because it makes it a lot harder to end the relationship.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:54 PM on December 9 [4 favorites]
You also haven't told us how far your partner lives from you. Is it possible to give it a trial run while your partner still maintains her other place? So, she would still have her place with her stuff, but she'd move in some things, or at least start spend more nights there when the kids are and aren't around, and basing out of there more during her work week, including you all trying to both work from home, and maybe including bringing the cat over. If it's a real pain with the cats, better to know that now than before she gives up her place.
If you can't do that: well, I presume you all are going to save some money living together, so I think you should consider giving her the office permanently and having you get a coworking space or renting a some sort of small office nearby. This is for a few reasons: first, her having the office as her space gives her more autonomy and feeling of ownership and belonging in your house; next, it solves the problem with your phone interviews and needing to work from home sometimes. I would guess this would cost less than whatever she is paying in rent. If that doesn't work: can you do your phone interviews from a bedroom?
About the cats and plants: I successfully used a cat-deterring plant spray (you can mix it, but I bought some online) to keep my chomper away from my plants, and she eventually stopped eating plants at all inside. She could also try buying some wheatgrass for her cat.
Dan Savage has said that moving in together is a bigger decision than getting married. If you are both the marrying type but don't want to get married right now, it's worth reflecting on why moving in together feels like less of a commitment. I don't mean you shouldn't live together if you aren't married, but just that it's a really big step to live together, especially with kids, because it makes it a lot harder to end the relationship.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:54 PM on December 9 [4 favorites]
In addition to some of the great items already outlined by the others, having been in a similar situation a decade ago with my partner (now wife), here are few additional items helped in my situation:
1) Assuming that she is not independently wealthy, she needs to have fuck you money and the ability to pull the eject cord. Even if it is never used, just her knowing that she is not trapped there with you will go a very long way to providing an environment conducive to honest communication. I also had the house and two kids when my partner moved in. I didn't need the cash to cover things like utilities and mortgage, so I just had her keep what she was paying for rent to ensure that she always knew that, at least financially, she could just up and leave. If your partner still has her apartment for a few more months that can act as a safety net, but after a while she may want to shift from having the spare safe house of sorts to just creating a nice emergency fund.
2) If at all possible, the office / spare bedroom is hers. Since it is your house, you by default own the entire space. Being able to carve out a "this is yours, for just you..." helped my wife feel less of a guest and more like she actually lived there. This is on top of other things like photos and artwork that gets placed around the home.
3) Expense splitting is best done on some sort of "as can pay" type of basis and not a straight 50/50. When I met my now wife, I made significantly more so I informally covered most of the shareable stuff. It was also me and my two kids, so it was not like her moving in caused a sudden increase in the utilities or grocery bill. It also helped her build the fuck you fund outlined in point #1 above and set the standard that I didn't see her as a way to save money. Trips, restaurants, etc were covered by one or the other almost randomly. Vacations were often covered via a quick agreement like "I'll cover the room and you cover the meals." It worked out in our case.
4) Differences in parenting styles will drive you both nuts. Even if she is entering into the situation with no intention of being a parent to them, your allowances (or not) of their behavior and their demands on your time will eventually cause friction. There is no magic strategy to handle this other than for the two of you to talk early and often to prevent that friction from becoming a 5 alarm fire.
Other that, I hope that it works out so that in a decade, you can help the next person when they post on the Ask MetaFilter about moving in with a partner. :-)
posted by SegFaultCoreDump at 3:27 PM on December 9 [2 favorites]
1) Assuming that she is not independently wealthy, she needs to have fuck you money and the ability to pull the eject cord. Even if it is never used, just her knowing that she is not trapped there with you will go a very long way to providing an environment conducive to honest communication. I also had the house and two kids when my partner moved in. I didn't need the cash to cover things like utilities and mortgage, so I just had her keep what she was paying for rent to ensure that she always knew that, at least financially, she could just up and leave. If your partner still has her apartment for a few more months that can act as a safety net, but after a while she may want to shift from having the spare safe house of sorts to just creating a nice emergency fund.
2) If at all possible, the office / spare bedroom is hers. Since it is your house, you by default own the entire space. Being able to carve out a "this is yours, for just you..." helped my wife feel less of a guest and more like she actually lived there. This is on top of other things like photos and artwork that gets placed around the home.
3) Expense splitting is best done on some sort of "as can pay" type of basis and not a straight 50/50. When I met my now wife, I made significantly more so I informally covered most of the shareable stuff. It was also me and my two kids, so it was not like her moving in caused a sudden increase in the utilities or grocery bill. It also helped her build the fuck you fund outlined in point #1 above and set the standard that I didn't see her as a way to save money. Trips, restaurants, etc were covered by one or the other almost randomly. Vacations were often covered via a quick agreement like "I'll cover the room and you cover the meals." It worked out in our case.
4) Differences in parenting styles will drive you both nuts. Even if she is entering into the situation with no intention of being a parent to them, your allowances (or not) of their behavior and their demands on your time will eventually cause friction. There is no magic strategy to handle this other than for the two of you to talk early and often to prevent that friction from becoming a 5 alarm fire.
Other that, I hope that it works out so that in a decade, you can help the next person when they post on the Ask MetaFilter about moving in with a partner. :-)
posted by SegFaultCoreDump at 3:27 PM on December 9 [2 favorites]
My (now) wife and I faced this some years ago, but with kids on both sides and a dog on one side facing off a cat on the other. It's definitely a big step and felt much bigger at our age (at that time just a few years older than you) than if we were in our 20s. Combining two households means getting rid of a lot of stuff that may have been expensive to acquire and has meaning to one of you, so it felt to me like the move was very final because the older you get the harder it is to re-create a home if things go wrong.
1. Absolutely you need to work on making sure the house is 'home' to both of you and that's going to mean some compromises on both your parts. I moved into my partner's house (she owned it) and it was hard for me to accept it as 'mine' even though it contained some of my furniture etc. In the end, we bought another house together for various reasons, but a small part of that was we wanted to have a home that was unequivocally 'ours'. What helped a bit early on was that we did some renovation to her house, which involved a lot of shuffling things around while painting etc got done (by me) and it seemed more and more like home the more things got settled.
An important part of this for you is making sure your daughters still feel it's their home too. It's important that you both speak with them before you do anything about moving in together and throughout the process. But you know that. But I think most of making sure she feels like it's her home is down to you and the way you act and speak about the house. As the one that already feels like your house is home, it's down to you to change the way you think and speak about the house from 'my' to 'our'.
2. I can't really help with this. Both of you working from home is going to make that challenging, depending on how much space you have.
3. I would not have any 'trial' period. You can't properly trial things like this, beyond what you have already done. You should not get rid of 50% of each of your possessions immediately though. Once you have decided what is going to be a part of your combined home, put everything else in storage for six months or so. That's your trial - at least you can get back to what you had with minimum cost if things don't work out. But be careful - it's easy to spend more on storage than the total value of the things being stored (ask me how I know!) so I would limit that to no more than six months and then you both have to decide what gets kept.
4. Your partner integrating with your girls would be different with younger children. Teenagers don't look to their parents as much as younger kids, but also need to be kept in the loop much more about your plans. How far she goes in terms of being a stepparent vs just someone who lives with their Dad depends on various things, importantly what their relationship is like with their Mother. If they rely on their Mother for support, advice and wisdom, it's important not to get in the way of that. Talk to the girls and, if possible, their Mother through the process and make sure everyone knows what's going on and what the expectations are.
5. Splitting expenses can be hard, but it doesn't have to be. Before I moved in with my partner, I made it clear I was never going to totally amalgamate finances because I'd been burned very badly before, but I was also clear that costs should be shared fairly. Because I earned a lot more than my partner, I was very much against splitting expenses 50/50 so we set things up so that we each paid towards expenses relative to our incomes (living together saves money, but the benefit of that should be fairly distributed was my thinking).
6. You don't say anything about the spaces you have available in your home, but sharing an office all the time isn't going to work. You are going to need to create some kind of additional space, even if it's just for those times you have to attend meetings or similar privately. If you can't do this in your current home (is there a spare bedroom or something you can allocate?) and the WFH arrangement is permanent, you are gong to have to either source some space outside the home or think about moving. Ideally, you each should have your own workplace and this can also be used as 'private space' if you feel the need to just sit and read a book or something. Particularly, it would be good for her to have some space that is just hers.
7. I'm sure the plant-eating cat issue can be at least minimised and you've been given some advice here on that. I ended up having to find a new home for our dog, because the cat terrorised it to the extent it was a nervous wreck. If the plant-eating can't be resolved, one of you is going to have to give up something you love.
I know the answer to most of these questions can be summed up as “talk about it honestly and often and be willing to compromise,”
Yes, but remember that both of you need to be willing to compromise. One person giving up a lot more than the other will lead to resentment. You don't have to make decisions about every little thing in advance, but talking through the mechanics of moving in together and including all the things you've listed here will tell both of you where your willingness to compromise may be stretched. Talk it through before you make any decision and before you tell the kids, so you have answers for their questions to the extent possible.
posted by dg at 4:07 PM on December 9 [1 favorite]
1. Absolutely you need to work on making sure the house is 'home' to both of you and that's going to mean some compromises on both your parts. I moved into my partner's house (she owned it) and it was hard for me to accept it as 'mine' even though it contained some of my furniture etc. In the end, we bought another house together for various reasons, but a small part of that was we wanted to have a home that was unequivocally 'ours'. What helped a bit early on was that we did some renovation to her house, which involved a lot of shuffling things around while painting etc got done (by me) and it seemed more and more like home the more things got settled.
An important part of this for you is making sure your daughters still feel it's their home too. It's important that you both speak with them before you do anything about moving in together and throughout the process. But you know that. But I think most of making sure she feels like it's her home is down to you and the way you act and speak about the house. As the one that already feels like your house is home, it's down to you to change the way you think and speak about the house from 'my' to 'our'.
2. I can't really help with this. Both of you working from home is going to make that challenging, depending on how much space you have.
3. I would not have any 'trial' period. You can't properly trial things like this, beyond what you have already done. You should not get rid of 50% of each of your possessions immediately though. Once you have decided what is going to be a part of your combined home, put everything else in storage for six months or so. That's your trial - at least you can get back to what you had with minimum cost if things don't work out. But be careful - it's easy to spend more on storage than the total value of the things being stored (ask me how I know!) so I would limit that to no more than six months and then you both have to decide what gets kept.
4. Your partner integrating with your girls would be different with younger children. Teenagers don't look to their parents as much as younger kids, but also need to be kept in the loop much more about your plans. How far she goes in terms of being a stepparent vs just someone who lives with their Dad depends on various things, importantly what their relationship is like with their Mother. If they rely on their Mother for support, advice and wisdom, it's important not to get in the way of that. Talk to the girls and, if possible, their Mother through the process and make sure everyone knows what's going on and what the expectations are.
5. Splitting expenses can be hard, but it doesn't have to be. Before I moved in with my partner, I made it clear I was never going to totally amalgamate finances because I'd been burned very badly before, but I was also clear that costs should be shared fairly. Because I earned a lot more than my partner, I was very much against splitting expenses 50/50 so we set things up so that we each paid towards expenses relative to our incomes (living together saves money, but the benefit of that should be fairly distributed was my thinking).
6. You don't say anything about the spaces you have available in your home, but sharing an office all the time isn't going to work. You are going to need to create some kind of additional space, even if it's just for those times you have to attend meetings or similar privately. If you can't do this in your current home (is there a spare bedroom or something you can allocate?) and the WFH arrangement is permanent, you are gong to have to either source some space outside the home or think about moving. Ideally, you each should have your own workplace and this can also be used as 'private space' if you feel the need to just sit and read a book or something. Particularly, it would be good for her to have some space that is just hers.
7. I'm sure the plant-eating cat issue can be at least minimised and you've been given some advice here on that. I ended up having to find a new home for our dog, because the cat terrorised it to the extent it was a nervous wreck. If the plant-eating can't be resolved, one of you is going to have to give up something you love.
I know the answer to most of these questions can be summed up as “talk about it honestly and often and be willing to compromise,”
Yes, but remember that both of you need to be willing to compromise. One person giving up a lot more than the other will lead to resentment. You don't have to make decisions about every little thing in advance, but talking through the mechanics of moving in together and including all the things you've listed here will tell both of you where your willingness to compromise may be stretched. Talk it through before you make any decision and before you tell the kids, so you have answers for their questions to the extent possible.
posted by dg at 4:07 PM on December 9 [1 favorite]
My ex and I tried to this a while ago and it didn't work for us. Here's why:
We were both used to living alone and we really could not cohabitate 24/7 without driving each other insane. It was a million little things that we couldn't get past like:
I liked to eat dinner at the table with my teens; he liked to graze in front of the tv;
he didn't eat breakfast and wouldn't sit with us while we ate;
he was an avid sports watcher and dominated the tv;
he liked having his space and that meant he didn't like my kids being around him;
I discovered his beer with a meal was actually a 6 pack nightly;
he liked to tidy but not actually clean and was sort of a pig;
I was an early bird who loved running and being outdoors and once he moved in it was clear that was not his thing.
Ultimately we couldn't make it work so I really agree with the idea of a trial period. Has we done that, we would have stayed separate and probably together.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:31 PM on December 9
We were both used to living alone and we really could not cohabitate 24/7 without driving each other insane. It was a million little things that we couldn't get past like:
I liked to eat dinner at the table with my teens; he liked to graze in front of the tv;
he didn't eat breakfast and wouldn't sit with us while we ate;
he was an avid sports watcher and dominated the tv;
he liked having his space and that meant he didn't like my kids being around him;
I discovered his beer with a meal was actually a 6 pack nightly;
he liked to tidy but not actually clean and was sort of a pig;
I was an early bird who loved running and being outdoors and once he moved in it was clear that was not his thing.
Ultimately we couldn't make it work so I really agree with the idea of a trial period. Has we done that, we would have stayed separate and probably together.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:31 PM on December 9
If you are a USAian…
I know cohabiting is not the same as marriage, but if you think either of your teens will be heading to college before turning 24, you should to consider how your actions will impact eligibility for financial aid down the line. In other words make sure you understand how federal, state, and institutional based aid work.
posted by oceano at 10:36 PM on December 9 [1 favorite]
I know cohabiting is not the same as marriage, but if you think either of your teens will be heading to college before turning 24, you should to consider how your actions will impact eligibility for financial aid down the line. In other words make sure you understand how federal, state, and institutional based aid work.
posted by oceano at 10:36 PM on December 9 [1 favorite]
The biggest issue I see is that you say cohabitating would be a "step towards being a stepparent". In my experience, this is kind of like the trial period - there's no such thing. She needs to begin as she means to go on. If she is going to be a stepparent, then she needs to start acting like a stepparent and you need to give her the authority of a stepparent. Cohabitating when you have week on/week off custody means she is functionally a stepparent. (There are going to inevitably be some people to jump in here to talk about 'nacho' stepparenting, all I will say about that is that kids despise it.)
cocoagirl is right about all the things that are going to be ongoing issues. What I will say is that there are some ways in which you can live with mismatches. I, having parented a teen before, was much more comfortable jumping fully into full parent mode on Day 1 than my partner expected me to, in terms of noticing things needed to be done and then doing them. The problem wasn't so much that we had mismatches there, so much as that because of his lack of those expectations, we hadn't talked about parenting expectations. A few more I will add to cocoagirl's list are:
1) What are both of your opinions about buying presents and other living goods? How much do you think is appropriate vs how much does your partner think is appropriate?
2) What are your opinions about controversial subjects in parenting: sex, drugs, drinking, transparency, etc?
I think that the way that you are fair to her, if she is closing down her living space to move into yours, is that you don't ask her to share expenses for at least several months to a year. That way, she is acquiring a nest egg in case you throw her out. Even if you don't want to do it, you have the power to do it; that will make her feel better and more comfortable.
In order to make her feel like the house is your joint place, the biggest thing is to discuss all changes with her. Thinking of buying new furniture or doing a remodel? Talk to her about it. Get her opinion. Involve her.
I'm not sure what to do about the space; it's hard without actually seeing a layout of the house.
In terms of the home office issue: it seems like there's only one day of overlap? What does she need to do on that day?
In terms of plants: I think you need to be the one to make some major compromises. Can you move some of the plants inside the house to be outside plants? Can you separate them into ones that are emotionally important to you and ones that aren't?
posted by corb at 11:54 AM on December 10
cocoagirl is right about all the things that are going to be ongoing issues. What I will say is that there are some ways in which you can live with mismatches. I, having parented a teen before, was much more comfortable jumping fully into full parent mode on Day 1 than my partner expected me to, in terms of noticing things needed to be done and then doing them. The problem wasn't so much that we had mismatches there, so much as that because of his lack of those expectations, we hadn't talked about parenting expectations. A few more I will add to cocoagirl's list are:
1) What are both of your opinions about buying presents and other living goods? How much do you think is appropriate vs how much does your partner think is appropriate?
2) What are your opinions about controversial subjects in parenting: sex, drugs, drinking, transparency, etc?
I think that the way that you are fair to her, if she is closing down her living space to move into yours, is that you don't ask her to share expenses for at least several months to a year. That way, she is acquiring a nest egg in case you throw her out. Even if you don't want to do it, you have the power to do it; that will make her feel better and more comfortable.
In order to make her feel like the house is your joint place, the biggest thing is to discuss all changes with her. Thinking of buying new furniture or doing a remodel? Talk to her about it. Get her opinion. Involve her.
I'm not sure what to do about the space; it's hard without actually seeing a layout of the house.
In terms of the home office issue: it seems like there's only one day of overlap? What does she need to do on that day?
In terms of plants: I think you need to be the one to make some major compromises. Can you move some of the plants inside the house to be outside plants? Can you separate them into ones that are emotionally important to you and ones that aren't?
posted by corb at 11:54 AM on December 10
Absolutely give it a trial run. If she gives up her place to move in with you and things don’t go well, she will be the one who ends up with no place to live, while your life goes on as usual.
She can live at your place five or six or seven days a week, and you can both use her space for an office to work from, as was suggested above, if it’s close enough. Reassess in six months and go from there.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 5:03 PM on December 10
She can live at your place five or six or seven days a week, and you can both use her space for an office to work from, as was suggested above, if it’s close enough. Reassess in six months and go from there.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 5:03 PM on December 10
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To me, questions 1 and 3 seem to be in conflict. If it's important that she feel it's her house too, that generally comes with her stuff. It's really hard to feel like a temporary guest in someone's home who could be kicked out at anytime so personally, I believe if you're going to co-habitate, co-habitate fully. You can always stop if it doesn't work.
As far as question7, what has she tried to deter them in the past? I had a lot of success with a SSSCAT air can near unwanted items.
posted by Pretty Good Talker at 1:02 PM on December 9 [1 favorite]