New couples moving in together quickly
December 9, 2024 2:16 PM Subscribe
Recently I have heard of a few new couples, including cases where one or both have kids from other relationships, moving in together very early in the relationship. I think my questions boil down to these: this is not great, right? and, also, is this happening more, or am I just noticing it more? And, also, maybe, what are folks thinking, if most of us (right?) know it's not great? I know sometimes it's financial, but also maybe they're caught up in new relationship energy? (I hope this isn't chatfilter.)
The situations I'm describing involve monogamous people and both gay and straight couples.
A college friend of mine (we are both middle aged) had essentially an emotional affair with a coworker on and off over a few years, including a stint where he and his wife broke up for a month and he dated the other person then (so, an actual, very brief, sexual relationship). He and his wife finally decided to divorce, and he moved out of the family home and moved right in with his new partner. The kids are teens.
Another friend told me about a same-sex couple she knows where they were together many years, have kids, and, as they are moving out from each other, both are about to start cohabitating with new partners. The kids are in middle school and high school.
Yet another friend told me that, fresh on the heels of her divorce and coming out, she moved in really quickly with a new partner, and the relationship crashed and burn, and it was super disruptive for her kids, and she regrets that.
I get that, after a long and unhappy relationship, new love can feel so surprising and intoxicating that it's hard to believe it's not eternal, and people sometimes make rash decisions. I also know there can be real financial and logistical benefits to a household with two adults. But, I'd also think in many of these cases, these are folks who want to do right by their kids and aren't necessarily responding only to financial pressure. I am wondering why people are doing this when it's so against the conventional wisdom (isn't it?). I wonder if it's because parents feel pressure to live with a partner instead of having someone over when the kids are in the house? Like, does that make the relationship seem more legitimate?
(I also want to be clear that I know this is none of my business, and I am definitely not sharing my opinions with any of the people I am talking about. I have been supportive of my college friend, actually. I am bringing this here because I am not talking to the folks involved about it all.)
(And yes, I was reminded of this because of another recent question, but that situation is completely different than what I am talking about!)
The situations I'm describing involve monogamous people and both gay and straight couples.
A college friend of mine (we are both middle aged) had essentially an emotional affair with a coworker on and off over a few years, including a stint where he and his wife broke up for a month and he dated the other person then (so, an actual, very brief, sexual relationship). He and his wife finally decided to divorce, and he moved out of the family home and moved right in with his new partner. The kids are teens.
Another friend told me about a same-sex couple she knows where they were together many years, have kids, and, as they are moving out from each other, both are about to start cohabitating with new partners. The kids are in middle school and high school.
Yet another friend told me that, fresh on the heels of her divorce and coming out, she moved in really quickly with a new partner, and the relationship crashed and burn, and it was super disruptive for her kids, and she regrets that.
I get that, after a long and unhappy relationship, new love can feel so surprising and intoxicating that it's hard to believe it's not eternal, and people sometimes make rash decisions. I also know there can be real financial and logistical benefits to a household with two adults. But, I'd also think in many of these cases, these are folks who want to do right by their kids and aren't necessarily responding only to financial pressure. I am wondering why people are doing this when it's so against the conventional wisdom (isn't it?). I wonder if it's because parents feel pressure to live with a partner instead of having someone over when the kids are in the house? Like, does that make the relationship seem more legitimate?
(I also want to be clear that I know this is none of my business, and I am definitely not sharing my opinions with any of the people I am talking about. I have been supportive of my college friend, actually. I am bringing this here because I am not talking to the folks involved about it all.)
(And yes, I was reminded of this because of another recent question, but that situation is completely different than what I am talking about!)
Best answer: The rent is high but also when you've been in a shared household for a long time it can be very hard to envision anything else. And some people really, really prefer group living situations. By, like, a huge margin. They shrivel in solo living arrangements. So they're going to go for move-ins prematurely and take risks there.
On the other side, living solo has also its own risk: higher costs (since one person bears them all), social isolation, no fallbacks for pets.
posted by Mo Nickels at 2:37 PM on December 9 [5 favorites]
On the other side, living solo has also its own risk: higher costs (since one person bears them all), social isolation, no fallbacks for pets.
posted by Mo Nickels at 2:37 PM on December 9 [5 favorites]
It really is none of your business. Conventional wisdom varies depending on location, culture, and so on. I think it's arguably not a great idea but good to support people in whatever decision they make with grace, if you can.
posted by Alensin at 2:40 PM on December 9 [15 favorites]
posted by Alensin at 2:40 PM on December 9 [15 favorites]
Best answer: Money. Yeah screwing with your kids’ stability sucks but does not being able to pay for their braces
Also yeah new relationship stuff
posted by knobknosher at 2:45 PM on December 9 [2 favorites]
Also yeah new relationship stuff
posted by knobknosher at 2:45 PM on December 9 [2 favorites]
Best answer: In my youth, I tended to move in with lovers too soon for two reasons: new relationship energy, and a kind of anxiety I had about going back and forth between two places a lot. I am the kind of person who prefers a vacation that involves going to one place and settling in, rather than traveling around, and I will unpack into hotel dressers for any stay longer than a single night. And even if I don't unpack, I still organize my things very deliberately when I arrived. I don't like transitions, and going back and forth between my house and my lover's house on a near-daily basis is too damn many transitions.
Most of my relationships in my 20s were of the 2-3 year kind, but the last relationship I started in my 20s lasted 29 years (I left just two years ago). Even though many of those years were exceptionally good, I knew it had been a mistake to move in within a couple of months, and, to give my ex all the credit due to him, he understood and actually helped me apartment hunt; I had rented out my own very small house when I moved in with him in his.
I couldn't bring myself to do it, though. I'd left a more-or-less fulltime job and was just beginning work as an adjunct professor, and money was very much on my mind. It was the sense that me paying rent for a separate living space was a waste of money that kept me from doing it.
We'd have moved in together eventually—we have four children, ages 17-30—but I feel sure it would have been much better if I'd kept my own space. If, 30 years ago, I'd already been able to do the years of therapy I've done now, I would totally have known better.
I don't know if it's more or less common these days, or more common these days among straight people than it used to be (I identified as a lesbian back then, and the U-Haul jokes were already thick on the ground), but money, and limerence driven by overwhelming sexual chemistry, were definitely the factors for me, with a splash of spectrum-y "doesn't like transitions" and a dash of "severe generalized anxiety disorder."
posted by Well I never at 2:58 PM on December 9
Most of my relationships in my 20s were of the 2-3 year kind, but the last relationship I started in my 20s lasted 29 years (I left just two years ago). Even though many of those years were exceptionally good, I knew it had been a mistake to move in within a couple of months, and, to give my ex all the credit due to him, he understood and actually helped me apartment hunt; I had rented out my own very small house when I moved in with him in his.
I couldn't bring myself to do it, though. I'd left a more-or-less fulltime job and was just beginning work as an adjunct professor, and money was very much on my mind. It was the sense that me paying rent for a separate living space was a waste of money that kept me from doing it.
We'd have moved in together eventually—we have four children, ages 17-30—but I feel sure it would have been much better if I'd kept my own space. If, 30 years ago, I'd already been able to do the years of therapy I've done now, I would totally have known better.
I don't know if it's more or less common these days, or more common these days among straight people than it used to be (I identified as a lesbian back then, and the U-Haul jokes were already thick on the ground), but money, and limerence driven by overwhelming sexual chemistry, were definitely the factors for me, with a splash of spectrum-y "doesn't like transitions" and a dash of "severe generalized anxiety disorder."
posted by Well I never at 2:58 PM on December 9
Best answer: I feel like I was maybe a bit glib in my earlier answer, so let me feel a little more straightforward.
It’s really hard as a parent to balance your kids’ needs. You also need to think about your own needs because if you’re a total mess your kids will suffer. But setting that aside, I’ve been a parent for a long time and have been intimately involved with other parents for longer. There is almost always no easy answer to what’s best for kids.
Yeah, common wisdom is not to move in with someone too soon. But what if moving with that person means you can pay for your kid to go to the afterschool programming they like and also means that your other kid who has been going down some bad rabbit holes on the Internet will have a trusted adult there with them when they get home from school? And it’s not like they’re some stranger, you’ve known them for a while and know they’re not a bad person and not likely to do anything actively harmful to your kids. Furthermore, your kids have seen years of a failing relationship and you maybe want them to see a happy relationship, to have something positive to model their own relationships after.
Then you have to weigh that against the likelihood that you’ll break up, the likelihood that the breakup will overall be bad, the likelihood that the break up will be at a bad time (so before the kids graduate)…
None of this stuff is obvious or knowable except maybe in retrospect
posted by knobknosher at 3:05 PM on December 9 [3 favorites]
It’s really hard as a parent to balance your kids’ needs. You also need to think about your own needs because if you’re a total mess your kids will suffer. But setting that aside, I’ve been a parent for a long time and have been intimately involved with other parents for longer. There is almost always no easy answer to what’s best for kids.
Yeah, common wisdom is not to move in with someone too soon. But what if moving with that person means you can pay for your kid to go to the afterschool programming they like and also means that your other kid who has been going down some bad rabbit holes on the Internet will have a trusted adult there with them when they get home from school? And it’s not like they’re some stranger, you’ve known them for a while and know they’re not a bad person and not likely to do anything actively harmful to your kids. Furthermore, your kids have seen years of a failing relationship and you maybe want them to see a happy relationship, to have something positive to model their own relationships after.
Then you have to weigh that against the likelihood that you’ll break up, the likelihood that the breakup will overall be bad, the likelihood that the break up will be at a bad time (so before the kids graduate)…
None of this stuff is obvious or knowable except maybe in retrospect
posted by knobknosher at 3:05 PM on December 9 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Well, I mean, tale as old as time, really. If you're noticing it more often, it's probably just an indicator of the current economy and a population that is almost entirely over any concerns about "living in sin".
Is it a GREAT idea? No. Does it on average work out okay? Probably.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:07 PM on December 9 [7 favorites]
Is it a GREAT idea? No. Does it on average work out okay? Probably.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:07 PM on December 9 [7 favorites]
In the 1980’s there was a joke in Boston:
Q: What do two Cambridge stereotypedgroup do on their second date?
A: Pick up the moving van.
So no, this is not a new thing. And sometimes it works out fine.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 3:16 PM on December 9
Q: What do two Cambridge stereotypedgroup do on their second date?
A: Pick up the moving van.
So no, this is not a new thing. And sometimes it works out fine.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 3:16 PM on December 9
Best answer: I think you don't need the "not your business" warning, and I agree this is interesting! Anecdotally, I can see a couple of examples of this in my extended social circle now that you point it out.
I tend to think housing costs is a big part, but I also notice in the examples you describe, the kids are all above elementary age. There may be a sense (possibly inaccurate) that relatively older kids will adjust better, might as well put them through one transition to a new place/living situation rather than two -- and (particularly with high schoolers) they may be leaving the nest within a few years so it's both a shorter timeframe to bond with New Partner and a quicker exit if the bonding doesn't go well.
On the other hand, the intensity of parenting at all ages has notoriously skyrocketed in the past couple of decades. If you're used to having a second adult around, even just to help with the logistics of a household with kids, the idea of doing it solo might be...daunting.
posted by LadyInWaiting at 3:28 PM on December 9 [4 favorites]
I tend to think housing costs is a big part, but I also notice in the examples you describe, the kids are all above elementary age. There may be a sense (possibly inaccurate) that relatively older kids will adjust better, might as well put them through one transition to a new place/living situation rather than two -- and (particularly with high schoolers) they may be leaving the nest within a few years so it's both a shorter timeframe to bond with New Partner and a quicker exit if the bonding doesn't go well.
On the other hand, the intensity of parenting at all ages has notoriously skyrocketed in the past couple of decades. If you're used to having a second adult around, even just to help with the logistics of a household with kids, the idea of doing it solo might be...daunting.
posted by LadyInWaiting at 3:28 PM on December 9 [4 favorites]
Best answer: At the individual level it's none of anyone's business, but at the macro level household formation patterns are a deeply-studied aspect of human geography and urban affairs with serious impact on planning. Yes, it's a feature of cities and places with scarce housing for there to be pressure on people to form households (or remain in them).
For what it's worth, in the long term in the West, it's been really quite unusual for ongoing sexual-romantic relationships to involve non-cohabitation. Until the sexual revolution of the 1960s, marriages involving cohabitation (legal or common-law) were the overwhelming norm, and excluding long-distance relationships, couples having each their own space was very much the outlier. If what you're describing is more people moving in together sooner, it may simply be the end of a fairly brief few decades of a phenomenon.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 3:42 PM on December 9 [4 favorites]
For what it's worth, in the long term in the West, it's been really quite unusual for ongoing sexual-romantic relationships to involve non-cohabitation. Until the sexual revolution of the 1960s, marriages involving cohabitation (legal or common-law) were the overwhelming norm, and excluding long-distance relationships, couples having each their own space was very much the outlier. If what you're describing is more people moving in together sooner, it may simply be the end of a fairly brief few decades of a phenomenon.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 3:42 PM on December 9 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I know a handful of couples who moved in together because of Covid when it was way too soon. One couple got married last year, they already have a kid and it seems to be working out for them. Another couple split but remained roommates because of rent and they turned out to be compatible in a sort of mutually neurodivergent way that makes sense for them. And a third had a terribly acrimonious breakup but at least the one I still know about almost immediately moved in with their new significant other upon telling their friends they were in a new relationship, maybe six months after the bad break up, and they seem to be doing fine living together.
My theory is that Covid was somewhat of a crucible and for a lot of people they figured out how to live with someone else because otherwise they would shrivel up from loneliness and stress, and now our culture is shifting in this way as well as all the other Covid things. I think a lot of people who go to college have horrible roommate situations because who the fuck thought it made sense to cram teens together without family supervision like that? But then they were presented with a similar scenario as an adult and it worked out better because of course it did, or they reevaluated the importance of company or whatever because they didn’t have it.
I can also confirm that the u-haul lesbian stereotype has a legitimate source, I think nearly everyone I knew pre pandemic who I thought moved in together waaay too fast was queer in some way, and mostly women. There has definitely been blending socially between queer and straight communities, especially with gay marriage and so forth, but there is still separation there and if you know enough queer couples it might just be confirmation bias. That is my other theory about myself if I feel dubious about the Covid thing.
posted by Mizu at 3:46 PM on December 9 [2 favorites]
My theory is that Covid was somewhat of a crucible and for a lot of people they figured out how to live with someone else because otherwise they would shrivel up from loneliness and stress, and now our culture is shifting in this way as well as all the other Covid things. I think a lot of people who go to college have horrible roommate situations because who the fuck thought it made sense to cram teens together without family supervision like that? But then they were presented with a similar scenario as an adult and it worked out better because of course it did, or they reevaluated the importance of company or whatever because they didn’t have it.
I can also confirm that the u-haul lesbian stereotype has a legitimate source, I think nearly everyone I knew pre pandemic who I thought moved in together waaay too fast was queer in some way, and mostly women. There has definitely been blending socially between queer and straight communities, especially with gay marriage and so forth, but there is still separation there and if you know enough queer couples it might just be confirmation bias. That is my other theory about myself if I feel dubious about the Covid thing.
posted by Mizu at 3:46 PM on December 9 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I think it probably does happen more, but I also wonder if your “too soon” meter may need updating! In your first example these people have been in a relationship for years, they know the sex stuff works, they were going to continue to be together via cheating anyway. So now that they have gone legit and broken up a marriage to make room for this relationship, it’d be weird if they were like hmm, not sure. Like how long should they wait? Presumably that’s why he left his wife, to do just this. Should he get a bachelor pad and date around and not be part of the kids’ lives for a few years just so it’s not “too soon?” I get the urge to condemn the cheating but like it or not, they’ve been in a relationship for years.
I’m not saying it’s gonna work out forever, but neither did the marriage and there’s kids involved there too. Putting the kids first even when it costs your own happiness is seen as a little out of date I’d say, except maybe in conservative/religious/traditionalist circles.
posted by kapers at 3:49 PM on December 9 [3 favorites]
I’m not saying it’s gonna work out forever, but neither did the marriage and there’s kids involved there too. Putting the kids first even when it costs your own happiness is seen as a little out of date I’d say, except maybe in conservative/religious/traditionalist circles.
posted by kapers at 3:49 PM on December 9 [3 favorites]
Mod note: One comment deleted. This Ask has been flagged as chatfilter, but we have decided to let it stay so that the OP can get some clarity on the situation described above. Please go on and stick to answering the question.
posted by loup (staff) at 3:53 PM on December 9
posted by loup (staff) at 3:53 PM on December 9
Best answer: I agree with Fiasco da Gama that the 'too soon' thing is a relatively recent phenomenon. The old saying 'two can live as cheaply as one' came about for good reasons and I suspect we're now in a place where that matters more than it did in the past couple of decades, where it felt like life was generally more prosperous and was not such a big deal for people to be maintaining individual residences.
Before that, there was much more focus on managing money carefully and pressure to get moving on getting married, having kids and buying a house etc. Now (really since COVID) housing is far too expensive for everyone to be paying rent or mortgage themselves (if they can find somewhere to live at all), so the pressure is back on couples not to get married so much, but to cohabitate just because not doing so is such a struggle for pretty much everyone.
I also feel like the pressure on parents today is far greater than it used to be. Growing, up, I wasn't subject to much supervision, wasn't even everywhere I wanted to go and pretty much had to find my own amusement on weekends. That was normal, at least where and when I grew up. Today, the expectation is that kids are driven to and from school and everywhere else and that they're never left alone or, god forbid, not have something planned out for every moment. All that work is fucking exhausting and I know just how much more exhausting it is as a single parent, so there's quite some motivation to enlist another adult to the cause. I think that's even more the case where both parties have kids.
posted by dg at 4:23 PM on December 9 [2 favorites]
Before that, there was much more focus on managing money carefully and pressure to get moving on getting married, having kids and buying a house etc. Now (really since COVID) housing is far too expensive for everyone to be paying rent or mortgage themselves (if they can find somewhere to live at all), so the pressure is back on couples not to get married so much, but to cohabitate just because not doing so is such a struggle for pretty much everyone.
I also feel like the pressure on parents today is far greater than it used to be. Growing, up, I wasn't subject to much supervision, wasn't even everywhere I wanted to go and pretty much had to find my own amusement on weekends. That was normal, at least where and when I grew up. Today, the expectation is that kids are driven to and from school and everywhere else and that they're never left alone or, god forbid, not have something planned out for every moment. All that work is fucking exhausting and I know just how much more exhausting it is as a single parent, so there's quite some motivation to enlist another adult to the cause. I think that's even more the case where both parties have kids.
posted by dg at 4:23 PM on December 9 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I appreciate the perspectives here, as well as a reminder that couples living apart is a newer phenomenon and that we are in a housing crisis (I know this, but it's a good reminder of how bad it is right now). And yes, I'm familiar with queer stereotypes, but I have seen this with straight couples as well. And thanks to the mods for bearing with my chatfilter.
I realize now that I posted this in part because I was judging this (to myself), uncomfortable with judging it, and also trying to understand it all, with the hope I could judge it less. And you all got me there in about two hours. Thank you!
posted by woolsocks at 4:43 PM on December 9 [7 favorites]
I realize now that I posted this in part because I was judging this (to myself), uncomfortable with judging it, and also trying to understand it all, with the hope I could judge it less. And you all got me there in about two hours. Thank you!
posted by woolsocks at 4:43 PM on December 9 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Alright OP, your self reflection inspired me: I am the person whose comment was deleted for being unproductive. I apologize for sounding off. (especially seeing you did come away with a new perspective after being open to feedback) I appreciate your update.
Not an excuse; but maybe a co-sign of the stressors and pressures other commenters note above: I just broke up with my co-habitating partner of 5 years in a very high COL area and we have No Effing Idea how we are going to figure out our breakup, and individual post-relationship lives, housing-wise. We are in for an indefinite slog of zombified cohabitating bc there are so many constraints to housing for us. So yeah even on the other end of it, it’s messy and chaotic and stressful…! And apparently leaves me with a lot of triggers on the topic (sorry).
posted by seemoorglass at 5:13 PM on December 9 [6 favorites]
Not an excuse; but maybe a co-sign of the stressors and pressures other commenters note above: I just broke up with my co-habitating partner of 5 years in a very high COL area and we have No Effing Idea how we are going to figure out our breakup, and individual post-relationship lives, housing-wise. We are in for an indefinite slog of zombified cohabitating bc there are so many constraints to housing for us. So yeah even on the other end of it, it’s messy and chaotic and stressful…! And apparently leaves me with a lot of triggers on the topic (sorry).
posted by seemoorglass at 5:13 PM on December 9 [6 favorites]
I moved in with my husband after a few days and got married after 3 months. We have now been married 8 years and going strong. Have always been very close, compatible and happy together. I cut people off who were saying behind my back that I'd 'gone crazy' to marry him. I have learnt not to judge others in this regard but just wish the best for them.
posted by thereader at 6:50 PM on December 9 [3 favorites]
posted by thereader at 6:50 PM on December 9 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Do you have cause and effect the right way round?
It's common wisdom to "not move in too quickly" because people frequently move in 'too quickly'.
"Don't screw the crew" is similarly a maxim, not because it at all rare to get romantically entangled with people you live or work with, or because it doesn't often work out, but because it's incredibly common *to* do that, but frequently leads to 'drama' because there's no easy escape from each other's company.
Which is the same problem with living together soon, really.
posted by Elysum at 6:51 PM on December 9
It's common wisdom to "not move in too quickly" because people frequently move in 'too quickly'.
"Don't screw the crew" is similarly a maxim, not because it at all rare to get romantically entangled with people you live or work with, or because it doesn't often work out, but because it's incredibly common *to* do that, but frequently leads to 'drama' because there's no easy escape from each other's company.
Which is the same problem with living together soon, really.
posted by Elysum at 6:51 PM on December 9
I notice that that people were moving in together more quickly during the pandemic. People in new relationships either broke up or formed a unit. Maybe that started something in the culture that has kept going.
posted by Tim Bucktooth at 7:57 PM on December 9
posted by Tim Bucktooth at 7:57 PM on December 9
Nowadays anyone who gets married at all probably has high social needs and really doesn't want to go it alone.
posted by Jane the Brown at 8:55 PM on December 9 [1 favorite]
posted by Jane the Brown at 8:55 PM on December 9 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I'd make the reminder, too, that it's rare for the fullness of a relationship's details to be put fully on public display. What seems to an outside viewer as too fast (or what have you) is always a mix of personal and cultural judgments about what's acceptable working from whatever incomplete details are available. I recall hearing from some friends that I'd moved in remarkably quickly with a new partner when, from my perspective, almost two years had passed with the relationship kept fairly private, almost unintentionally. That still comes to mind when I hear gossip. I enjoy gossip, too, I just remind myself that there's no way I know anything remotely resembling a complete picture.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:32 AM on December 10 [2 favorites]
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:32 AM on December 10 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Just a data point that I have observed this recently too. I can think of 3 couple I know that did this very fast. Two happened during covid, seemed to have worked out very well, and the third after. The third one, she has a kid from a previous relationship and the guy moved in with her after a couple months. Turns out he has a bad credit score and had to borrow money from her, and now they broke up and he still hasn't paid her back. She owns the house too.
I can totally understand why someone with a kid would want to move fast, even if it's unwise. It must be so lonely and exhausting to do that alone in this day and age. To the point that you'll abandon all judgment just to get some help.
posted by winterportage at 6:20 AM on December 10
I can totally understand why someone with a kid would want to move fast, even if it's unwise. It must be so lonely and exhausting to do that alone in this day and age. To the point that you'll abandon all judgment just to get some help.
posted by winterportage at 6:20 AM on December 10
I can answer this from the opposite perspective, as a single parent who has mostly lived on my own (other than renting a room sometimes) for almost a decade. The only way this is possible is that:
- I bought my place before prices went way up to be unaffordable for most people on one income in my high COL area.
- I have a stable job with good benefits that pays higher than average.
- I had major repairs done (e.g., roof, furnace) before those prices went up too.
- I've been here long enough that I have good connections with neighbours who can help let the dog out or bring in packages, etc.
And even with all that, it is still very tight and I need to be careful. But thank goodness, because I LOVE having my own space and I don't think my kid would do well with a step-parent or siblings. I think a lot about how lucky I am.
posted by bighappyhairydog at 7:23 AM on December 10 [2 favorites]
- I bought my place before prices went way up to be unaffordable for most people on one income in my high COL area.
- I have a stable job with good benefits that pays higher than average.
- I had major repairs done (e.g., roof, furnace) before those prices went up too.
- I've been here long enough that I have good connections with neighbours who can help let the dog out or bring in packages, etc.
And even with all that, it is still very tight and I need to be careful. But thank goodness, because I LOVE having my own space and I don't think my kid would do well with a step-parent or siblings. I think a lot about how lucky I am.
posted by bighappyhairydog at 7:23 AM on December 10 [2 favorites]
So I want to push back on the conventional wisdom. I think that advice is useful for younger people, but sometimes, when people who are moving in together are old enough to have teenagers, they know themselves and their circumstances pretty well.
I moved in with my current partner and started raising their teenager pretty quickly after we started dating. It's a bit of a different circumstance because we were friends for a while first, and I'd known his kids for years, so everyone was already comfortable with each other. But we're two years into living with each other and it's been lovely and a positive influence on the kids. However, both of us previously cohabitated with people (I was even married!) after some time where it wasn't good for the kids.
I think what's good for kids is seeing a long term stable relationship where people love each other and are trying to work together, and I agree that you shouldn't move in together until you know you have that. But the time it takes to get there is different for everyone.
posted by corb at 8:09 AM on December 10
I moved in with my current partner and started raising their teenager pretty quickly after we started dating. It's a bit of a different circumstance because we were friends for a while first, and I'd known his kids for years, so everyone was already comfortable with each other. But we're two years into living with each other and it's been lovely and a positive influence on the kids. However, both of us previously cohabitated with people (I was even married!) after some time where it wasn't good for the kids.
I think what's good for kids is seeing a long term stable relationship where people love each other and are trying to work together, and I agree that you shouldn't move in together until you know you have that. But the time it takes to get there is different for everyone.
posted by corb at 8:09 AM on December 10
Best answer: For unattached adults, it's a mixed bag, but economics probably does play a role. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, and really, who cares? They're adults.
For people with (minor) kids, it's awful, incredibly selfish, and frankly shouldn't be possible without the kids say-so, and flatly not allowed for kids who are not old enough to articulate their preferences. Childhood is already far too invalidating and oppressive, and of course no one asks to be born. It's great when blended families work out, but they don't always, and the choice to form them should be that of the kids affected, not the annoyingly needy, self-centered adults. Children should frankly have a great deal more input and veto power over their own lives; the filial piety and ownership models of parenting are both grievously immoral, and tbh the adults who engage in them fully deserve estrangement and abandonment. Don't feel bad about being judgemental: these people do deserve judgement, society has been way too permissive about "parent" being some kind of special status, and way too shitty about the agency and rights of children, for faaaaaar too long.
> I am wondering why people are doing this when it's so against the conventional wisdom (isn't it?).
For the people for whom this is immoral, well: people fucking suck, generally speaking. As a species we are selfish, unethical, entitled, and very prone to (unfounded) self-justification.
posted by The Master and Margarita Mix at 8:16 AM on December 10 [1 favorite]
For people with (minor) kids, it's awful, incredibly selfish, and frankly shouldn't be possible without the kids say-so, and flatly not allowed for kids who are not old enough to articulate their preferences. Childhood is already far too invalidating and oppressive, and of course no one asks to be born. It's great when blended families work out, but they don't always, and the choice to form them should be that of the kids affected, not the annoyingly needy, self-centered adults. Children should frankly have a great deal more input and veto power over their own lives; the filial piety and ownership models of parenting are both grievously immoral, and tbh the adults who engage in them fully deserve estrangement and abandonment. Don't feel bad about being judgemental: these people do deserve judgement, society has been way too permissive about "parent" being some kind of special status, and way too shitty about the agency and rights of children, for faaaaaar too long.
> I am wondering why people are doing this when it's so against the conventional wisdom (isn't it?).
For the people for whom this is immoral, well: people fucking suck, generally speaking. As a species we are selfish, unethical, entitled, and very prone to (unfounded) self-justification.
posted by The Master and Margarita Mix at 8:16 AM on December 10 [1 favorite]
I am the world's slowest cohabitant by nature; I moved in with my last ex after a year and a half and regretted it heartily. We stayed together 8 more years, but I always felt that if we'd just lived apart a little longer everything would have been different and better.
My current partner and I dated for 4 years living separately, and would have happily continued on as such forever.
Pure economics dictated that we merge households this year, and if it could push US, two dedicated solo artists, into cohabitating sooner than we wanted, I cannot imagine how it's impacting folks with more substantial expenses and dependents who are generally inclined to live with a partner in the first place.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:30 AM on December 10
My current partner and I dated for 4 years living separately, and would have happily continued on as such forever.
Pure economics dictated that we merge households this year, and if it could push US, two dedicated solo artists, into cohabitating sooner than we wanted, I cannot imagine how it's impacting folks with more substantial expenses and dependents who are generally inclined to live with a partner in the first place.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:30 AM on December 10
I'm a mid/late 40's guy who moved in objectively quickly with my current partner / fiancee and her young teen (mostly full custody here) at ~10 months since we started dating.
We are apparently one of the few who didn't need to for economic reasons (it's a nice perk, but not at all a "reason" for us living together). Rent is high here, but I was able to (finally) start getting some real money into my retirement accounts while I was living alone, and I'm the lower earner of the two of us. If I had to give a one liner, with her having a kid, moving in was the only reasonable way for us to get more time together.
Very long story short; both of us learned a lot about ourselves, and what we wanted/needed in relationships. I was dating with intention of finding a partner; looking at compatibility was high. She didn't want to be dating, but I seemed too good to pass up... but she clearly really wanted to find any reason to not date me during our early discussions. When we couldn't find a compatibility reasons, and we had high chemistry, we kind of allowed our emotions to go wild and dig in.
When we were first getting serious about moving in, we both agreed that "if" I moved in, and "when" would largely be driven by my relationship with her kid. For "if" I wouldn't live with a child who hated me / disliked me. And she wouldn't allow someone to live with her kid if they made them truly uncomfortable. She had mostly full custody; both the lack of resets in another household, and the ability to have more time together helped our relationship grow. I feel that I "add" to her kid's home life by my presence. I'm a caring adult, who has different interests and different ways of interacting with them than their mom does. I am a positive male role model, and my fiancee and I are able to model a healthy relationship for her kid; that she wasn't able to do with her now ex husband.
While I admit that 10 months is objectively fast, we both thought that my relationship with her kid was far closer and more advanced than we expected it to be for ~2 years. We hadn't realized how mostly full custody would speed things up. Her kid and I genuinely like each other (noting that I'm not in a parental role to them). For us, it wasn't "feeling" rushed, but rather we felt that we were arbitrarily holding ourselves back at the point that we decided to push the button.
Fast forwarding, it's only been 1.5 years since I moved in, but things still are going great. I asked her to marry me shortly after the "living together for a year" point and she said yes. I can look back at my first marriage, and see problems early on that I went past. I can look back at the adjustments to cohabitation, and how looking back I really should have seen some issues. I don't see that now. I honestly see so much more compatibility.
I don't believe in "the one" or a "soulmate" or something silly like that. I now know that "love" isn't enough, and that compatibility and communication is king. With what I see, asking for marriage felt like such an easy choice. Yes, at not quite 2.5 years total together we're still a very young relationship, but I feel we both learned some big lessons from our first marriage that we brought into this relationship.
Open to more questions via memail.
posted by nobeagle at 12:27 PM on December 10
We are apparently one of the few who didn't need to for economic reasons (it's a nice perk, but not at all a "reason" for us living together). Rent is high here, but I was able to (finally) start getting some real money into my retirement accounts while I was living alone, and I'm the lower earner of the two of us. If I had to give a one liner, with her having a kid, moving in was the only reasonable way for us to get more time together.
Very long story short; both of us learned a lot about ourselves, and what we wanted/needed in relationships. I was dating with intention of finding a partner; looking at compatibility was high. She didn't want to be dating, but I seemed too good to pass up... but she clearly really wanted to find any reason to not date me during our early discussions. When we couldn't find a compatibility reasons, and we had high chemistry, we kind of allowed our emotions to go wild and dig in.
When we were first getting serious about moving in, we both agreed that "if" I moved in, and "when" would largely be driven by my relationship with her kid. For "if" I wouldn't live with a child who hated me / disliked me. And she wouldn't allow someone to live with her kid if they made them truly uncomfortable. She had mostly full custody; both the lack of resets in another household, and the ability to have more time together helped our relationship grow. I feel that I "add" to her kid's home life by my presence. I'm a caring adult, who has different interests and different ways of interacting with them than their mom does. I am a positive male role model, and my fiancee and I are able to model a healthy relationship for her kid; that she wasn't able to do with her now ex husband.
While I admit that 10 months is objectively fast, we both thought that my relationship with her kid was far closer and more advanced than we expected it to be for ~2 years. We hadn't realized how mostly full custody would speed things up. Her kid and I genuinely like each other (noting that I'm not in a parental role to them). For us, it wasn't "feeling" rushed, but rather we felt that we were arbitrarily holding ourselves back at the point that we decided to push the button.
Fast forwarding, it's only been 1.5 years since I moved in, but things still are going great. I asked her to marry me shortly after the "living together for a year" point and she said yes. I can look back at my first marriage, and see problems early on that I went past. I can look back at the adjustments to cohabitation, and how looking back I really should have seen some issues. I don't see that now. I honestly see so much more compatibility.
I don't believe in "the one" or a "soulmate" or something silly like that. I now know that "love" isn't enough, and that compatibility and communication is king. With what I see, asking for marriage felt like such an easy choice. Yes, at not quite 2.5 years total together we're still a very young relationship, but I feel we both learned some big lessons from our first marriage that we brought into this relationship.
Open to more questions via memail.
posted by nobeagle at 12:27 PM on December 10
Response by poster: seemoorglass, I did not see your original comment, but thanks for the follow-up. I too have been in situations where I made relationship decisions based on economics. It sucks. Good luck.
And, Elysum, thank you for this brilliant perspective:
Do you have cause and effect the right way round?
It's common wisdom to "not move in too quickly" because people frequently move in 'too quickly'.
My county requires divorcing parents of children under 18 to attend a co-parenting class, and some of the content focuses on new partners and your kids. Yeah, I think you've got this right: they're emphasizing this because it can be an issue.
Also, I think I made some folks defensive when not explaining about what I meant when I said quickly. I mean, like, people moving in together right when they've broken up with someone else, or after only dating for, say, two months. We don't always know what's going on in a relationship, but in some cases, I do know because I'm friends with them (a friend of mine, without kids, started dating someone across the state, and she moved to his town and in with him when they had only known each other about a month; it was a very messy and protracted break up a year or so later).
Master and Margarita Mix: yeah, I hear you. I think there are two sides of this. As a single mom, I felt an extraordinary amount of judgment from some otherwise seemingly liberal folks about any dating I did, and yet I also see other folks creating a lot of upheaval in their kids lives with these kinds of relationship decisions.
posted by woolsocks at 4:27 PM on December 10
And, Elysum, thank you for this brilliant perspective:
Do you have cause and effect the right way round?
It's common wisdom to "not move in too quickly" because people frequently move in 'too quickly'.
My county requires divorcing parents of children under 18 to attend a co-parenting class, and some of the content focuses on new partners and your kids. Yeah, I think you've got this right: they're emphasizing this because it can be an issue.
Also, I think I made some folks defensive when not explaining about what I meant when I said quickly. I mean, like, people moving in together right when they've broken up with someone else, or after only dating for, say, two months. We don't always know what's going on in a relationship, but in some cases, I do know because I'm friends with them (a friend of mine, without kids, started dating someone across the state, and she moved to his town and in with him when they had only known each other about a month; it was a very messy and protracted break up a year or so later).
Master and Margarita Mix: yeah, I hear you. I think there are two sides of this. As a single mom, I felt an extraordinary amount of judgment from some otherwise seemingly liberal folks about any dating I did, and yet I also see other folks creating a lot of upheaval in their kids lives with these kinds of relationship decisions.
posted by woolsocks at 4:27 PM on December 10
Response by poster: Anyway, thanks again, all, for helping me thinking through this.
posted by woolsocks at 4:27 PM on December 10
posted by woolsocks at 4:27 PM on December 10
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posted by mr_roboto at 2:34 PM on December 9 [43 favorites]