Is this worth filing a police report?
December 9, 2024 11:11 AM Subscribe
On Saturday night/Sunday morning, my Uber driver went crazy during the ride and locked me in against my will for a few minutes, then chased me once I left. I'm still processing this and figuring out how to navigate this.
On Saturday night, I was at a friend's holiday party in DC, having a great time. Around 1am, I hailed an Uber home (which would take about an hour). When the Uber driver arrived (yes, license # matched the app), he seemed a bit out of it and asked me for my destination. I was confused, as that should have been obvious/automatic via the app. We got it cleared up, and left. I assumed it was an app glitch, or maybe that should have been a red flag of what was to come. While he was driving, he abruptly pulled off a freeway exit in Virginia to a local road. I was confused/annoyed, but this wasn’t the first time that had happened (avoiding tolls) so I resigned myself to a longer ride. It was late, I was anxious to get home.
A while in, the driver asked for my phone (to communicate) and said he needed to use the restroom. I was a bit annoyed because that would mean a more expensive fare (waiting) but at the same time, understood because we're all human and need to go to the toilet. He pulled into a gas station, which ended up being locked, so we left. I thought that was the end of it. He started driving in the opposite direction (in the direction back to DC), and after a few minutes of driving around in circles, I asked him what was happening. He said he needed to go to the restroom and seemed agonized. I told him I had a bathroom at my apartment entrance building he could use, and he said no, he wanted to poop. He tried another gas station, which was also closed. He started driving fast and a bit erratically.
It was at this point that I started feeling anxious. I asked him to drop me off and end the ride if he could not wait to go to the restroom. He ignored me and continued driving. I was very scared/panicky at this point, so contacted emergency Uber support in the app and explained the situation. I was asked if they should send police. I wasn’t sure because it was a sticky situation and thought he might just had to go #2 then everything would be fine, but wasn’t sure. I didn't want to waste police resources/be overreacting, and he was black, didn't want potential police brutality to happen over what might have been nothing.
Driver then abruptly stopped at an intersection in the middle of nowhere, with no gas station or other amenities at all, and left the car, starting running away. I was so mystified and confused, and tried to exit the car, as I felt it was time to leave the situation altogether. The door was locked—I was trapped. He started running back to the car and then opened the back trunk to get something. I gestured/asked him to let me out, but he ignored me and ran off again. I was in shock and didn’t text the support person because I was running on adrenaline and everything was happening so fast. He came running back a minute or so later, and I pounded on the door repeatedly. He was all over the place, but eventually let me out after a few minutes.
I bolted from the car with my things, and started running to the other side of the intersection. He started chasing me, but I made “GO AWAY” gestures with my hand, and he then started running all over the place, then back to his car, and finally left. I immediately cancelled the ride and got another ride home, which I was so blessed to have happen within a few minutes. The Uber support team I was texting with at that time was contracted with ADT, and they wanted to make sure I was safe and that the 2nd driver was coming. I was shaking so hard, and on top of that, it was freezing cold and in the middle of nowhere around 2am.
I am still processing this, still in shock/traumatic/shaken up. I called the Uber safety line today to report the situation in-depth, and was given an apology and was told a refund request was placed/that Uber would investigate the driver and make sure we weren't matched again.
A few friends suggested I call the police and file a report. I tried that, but problem is, the situation happened in another county, which would necessitate me going to that county somewhere (ie, a Starbucks) and having a police officer be dispatched to come out and take the report. I'm not sure what a police report would do, but at the same time, the driver held me in his car against my will (even if only for a few minutes) and chased me, and was driving erratically. It would be a hassle going to that county, but I can. I just wanted to know if it was worth it, would you think? I took a photo of his vehicle and the intersection is on Google Street View, so I have that as documentation.
I'm overwhelmed and figuring out how to navigate this. Friends/family has been supportive so far, thank goodness, and I had a last-minute session with my therapist this morning to go over the situation, but wanted to see if I was missing anything? Also, for rides moving forward, any safety items I should bring with me?
I'm feeling blessed to be safe/okay, but definitely am shaken up and a bit scared to take Uber again, but no choice unfortunately. I ask please to be kind, no snark. Thanks so much.
On Saturday night, I was at a friend's holiday party in DC, having a great time. Around 1am, I hailed an Uber home (which would take about an hour). When the Uber driver arrived (yes, license # matched the app), he seemed a bit out of it and asked me for my destination. I was confused, as that should have been obvious/automatic via the app. We got it cleared up, and left. I assumed it was an app glitch, or maybe that should have been a red flag of what was to come. While he was driving, he abruptly pulled off a freeway exit in Virginia to a local road. I was confused/annoyed, but this wasn’t the first time that had happened (avoiding tolls) so I resigned myself to a longer ride. It was late, I was anxious to get home.
A while in, the driver asked for my phone (to communicate) and said he needed to use the restroom. I was a bit annoyed because that would mean a more expensive fare (waiting) but at the same time, understood because we're all human and need to go to the toilet. He pulled into a gas station, which ended up being locked, so we left. I thought that was the end of it. He started driving in the opposite direction (in the direction back to DC), and after a few minutes of driving around in circles, I asked him what was happening. He said he needed to go to the restroom and seemed agonized. I told him I had a bathroom at my apartment entrance building he could use, and he said no, he wanted to poop. He tried another gas station, which was also closed. He started driving fast and a bit erratically.
It was at this point that I started feeling anxious. I asked him to drop me off and end the ride if he could not wait to go to the restroom. He ignored me and continued driving. I was very scared/panicky at this point, so contacted emergency Uber support in the app and explained the situation. I was asked if they should send police. I wasn’t sure because it was a sticky situation and thought he might just had to go #2 then everything would be fine, but wasn’t sure. I didn't want to waste police resources/be overreacting, and he was black, didn't want potential police brutality to happen over what might have been nothing.
Driver then abruptly stopped at an intersection in the middle of nowhere, with no gas station or other amenities at all, and left the car, starting running away. I was so mystified and confused, and tried to exit the car, as I felt it was time to leave the situation altogether. The door was locked—I was trapped. He started running back to the car and then opened the back trunk to get something. I gestured/asked him to let me out, but he ignored me and ran off again. I was in shock and didn’t text the support person because I was running on adrenaline and everything was happening so fast. He came running back a minute or so later, and I pounded on the door repeatedly. He was all over the place, but eventually let me out after a few minutes.
I bolted from the car with my things, and started running to the other side of the intersection. He started chasing me, but I made “GO AWAY” gestures with my hand, and he then started running all over the place, then back to his car, and finally left. I immediately cancelled the ride and got another ride home, which I was so blessed to have happen within a few minutes. The Uber support team I was texting with at that time was contracted with ADT, and they wanted to make sure I was safe and that the 2nd driver was coming. I was shaking so hard, and on top of that, it was freezing cold and in the middle of nowhere around 2am.
I am still processing this, still in shock/traumatic/shaken up. I called the Uber safety line today to report the situation in-depth, and was given an apology and was told a refund request was placed/that Uber would investigate the driver and make sure we weren't matched again.
A few friends suggested I call the police and file a report. I tried that, but problem is, the situation happened in another county, which would necessitate me going to that county somewhere (ie, a Starbucks) and having a police officer be dispatched to come out and take the report. I'm not sure what a police report would do, but at the same time, the driver held me in his car against my will (even if only for a few minutes) and chased me, and was driving erratically. It would be a hassle going to that county, but I can. I just wanted to know if it was worth it, would you think? I took a photo of his vehicle and the intersection is on Google Street View, so I have that as documentation.
I'm overwhelmed and figuring out how to navigate this. Friends/family has been supportive so far, thank goodness, and I had a last-minute session with my therapist this morning to go over the situation, but wanted to see if I was missing anything? Also, for rides moving forward, any safety items I should bring with me?
I'm feeling blessed to be safe/okay, but definitely am shaken up and a bit scared to take Uber again, but no choice unfortunately. I ask please to be kind, no snark. Thanks so much.
If you don’t report it, it will just happen again. Uber will never do anything, they are a garbage company motivated only by the bucks.
If you’re worried about repercussions on the driver—who sounds like he shouldn’t be driving anyway—I can’t fix that for you. Seems like some repercussions are in order. But the justice system we have is what we have to work with. There will be some folks who say you should never call the police for any reason. I think they’re wrong, but when I was younger I thought there was One Clever Trick to fix everything too.
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 11:28 AM on December 9 [6 favorites]
If you’re worried about repercussions on the driver—who sounds like he shouldn’t be driving anyway—I can’t fix that for you. Seems like some repercussions are in order. But the justice system we have is what we have to work with. There will be some folks who say you should never call the police for any reason. I think they’re wrong, but when I was younger I thought there was One Clever Trick to fix everything too.
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 11:28 AM on December 9 [6 favorites]
I agree with axiom. Reading this account I'm assuming he really needed to go to the bathroom and him leaving the car was when he realised he had to go and shit in a bush or something or risk shitting himself and soiling his clothes/car. I would assume he came back to the car to grab some tissues or something. Maybe he was sick and was confused about why you were panicking and anxious, which made him panic, and lead to a sort of feedback loop of erratic behaviour. When he was chasing you, he could have been trying to explain and/or convince you to come back so he didn't lose the fare.
Honestly, I don't know what reporting to the police would do besides get him in trouble for (potentially) being unwell and urgently needing to use the bathroom in a very embarassing situation. I've had horrible Uber rides before where I've unfortunately had to report drivers, but I doubt I would report this. It's okay to be shaken up by a weird and intense situation, but in this case I would just lean on your support circle, talk to your therapist, and move on with your life.
posted by fight or flight at 11:33 AM on December 9 [29 favorites]
Honestly, I don't know what reporting to the police would do besides get him in trouble for (potentially) being unwell and urgently needing to use the bathroom in a very embarassing situation. I've had horrible Uber rides before where I've unfortunately had to report drivers, but I doubt I would report this. It's okay to be shaken up by a weird and intense situation, but in this case I would just lean on your support circle, talk to your therapist, and move on with your life.
posted by fight or flight at 11:33 AM on December 9 [29 favorites]
I cannot tell you that you should 100% call or not call the police. If you call and the driver is harmed you may feel bad. If you do not call and the driver harms someone else you may feel bad. All that to say, there's not necessarily a clear path to fulfillment here.
That said, I understand that bathroom emergencies are uncomfortable and even potentially painful. That still doesn't justify locking you in the car or taking an erratic route without informing you beforehand. You said the driver chased you. Nothing about the circumstance you described justified that.
posted by shesbookish at 11:35 AM on December 9 [4 favorites]
That said, I understand that bathroom emergencies are uncomfortable and even potentially painful. That still doesn't justify locking you in the car or taking an erratic route without informing you beforehand. You said the driver chased you. Nothing about the circumstance you described justified that.
posted by shesbookish at 11:35 AM on December 9 [4 favorites]
I cannot tell you if you should or should not report this, but are you sure you cannot file a police report online?
posted by soelo at 11:36 AM on December 9
posted by soelo at 11:36 AM on December 9
You have no way of knowing what this person's intentions were. Even assuming the absolute best case scenario that they were truly just distracted and having a bathroom emergency, the child locks should not have been engaged and they should have stopped the ride and let you out the first time you asked. I have IBD so I know more than the average bear about bathroom emergencies and if having one led me to become so crazed that I started kidnapping people I would have to conclude that I am not fit to drive for Uber.
Not only do I think it is permissible that you report this, I would go so far as to say I think you are obligated. How would you feel if someone else gets in the car and this driver does the same thing to them?
posted by telegraph at 11:42 AM on December 9 [18 favorites]
Not only do I think it is permissible that you report this, I would go so far as to say I think you are obligated. How would you feel if someone else gets in the car and this driver does the same thing to them?
posted by telegraph at 11:42 AM on December 9 [18 favorites]
I think you’d be justified in reporting, however, just from personal and community experience, the police may do absolutely nothing. I’m not 100% there is a true crime to report (although you 100% had an awful experience) but that’s not my call. I have seen more heinous things happen to friends in DC/Baltimore that have rarely been followed up by the police, who seem to barely care.
IMO, it would be more useful to report this to Uber/Lyft, as this person does not seem like a safe driver.
posted by buttonedup at 11:49 AM on December 9 [1 favorite]
IMO, it would be more useful to report this to Uber/Lyft, as this person does not seem like a safe driver.
posted by buttonedup at 11:49 AM on December 9 [1 favorite]
Uber would investigate the driver and make sure we weren't matched again.
I'm not sure whether law enforcement should be involved, but I am sure that this driver should not only never be matched with you but should never drive anyone again. In addition to following up with Uber, file a complaint with the DC Department of For-Hire Vehicles to reduce the risk of other riders having a similar experience.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 11:54 AM on December 9 [14 favorites]
I'm not sure whether law enforcement should be involved, but I am sure that this driver should not only never be matched with you but should never drive anyone again. In addition to following up with Uber, file a complaint with the DC Department of For-Hire Vehicles to reduce the risk of other riders having a similar experience.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 11:54 AM on December 9 [14 favorites]
It sounds really chaotic and weird! But everything you wrote here aligns with this theory:
He had to poop really badly, thought he could hold it for a bit, but it got more and more urgent, until he was was panicking from the urgency, and jumped out the car and ran towards the bushes to shit. He may even have verbally explained something like "Oh no, I gotta shit, be right back" as he left the car / ran for the woods, but if he wasn't facing you, you wouldn't have lip-read / guessed what he said. Then it sounds like he doubled back to grab napkins from the trunk to wipe his butt, but he either still didn't realize or couldn't spare the seconds to deal with, the problem of leaving you locked in the car. He had a fast shit in the bush, then came back. When you ran away scared, he may have chased you to try to explain to what had happened, since hollering it out to you wouldn't work.
Him leaving you in the car seems more like circumstance - a lot of Uber drivers use the child door locks to keep the back door locked and prevent fare-skippers, and he probably was so panicked to poop that he wasn't thinking about you. To me it looks less like "he intentionally trapped you in the car", and more like "he was so panicked he accidentally left you locked inside his most expensive possession". A good proof of this is that he let you out when he got back. If he really wanted to hurt you, he still could have done so!
Sorry it was so scary. From this account I see a VERY plausible explanation that involves no malice from the driver, and no intended harm to you, and no actual danger to you except for fear, which isn't nothing, but it's not worth ruining someone's livelihood in my opinion, especially for such a random thing - how often does someone nearly shit their pants?? And then, the one time it happens, he has a Deaf passenger and it's too urgent to type out what's happening before he shit into his upholstery and destroys his main tool?
It's good that you reported it to Uber, but personally, I wouldn't involve police, and would try to reframe it with sympathy for a fellow person who had a poop problem.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:56 AM on December 9 [68 favorites]
He had to poop really badly, thought he could hold it for a bit, but it got more and more urgent, until he was was panicking from the urgency, and jumped out the car and ran towards the bushes to shit. He may even have verbally explained something like "Oh no, I gotta shit, be right back" as he left the car / ran for the woods, but if he wasn't facing you, you wouldn't have lip-read / guessed what he said. Then it sounds like he doubled back to grab napkins from the trunk to wipe his butt, but he either still didn't realize or couldn't spare the seconds to deal with, the problem of leaving you locked in the car. He had a fast shit in the bush, then came back. When you ran away scared, he may have chased you to try to explain to what had happened, since hollering it out to you wouldn't work.
Him leaving you in the car seems more like circumstance - a lot of Uber drivers use the child door locks to keep the back door locked and prevent fare-skippers, and he probably was so panicked to poop that he wasn't thinking about you. To me it looks less like "he intentionally trapped you in the car", and more like "he was so panicked he accidentally left you locked inside his most expensive possession". A good proof of this is that he let you out when he got back. If he really wanted to hurt you, he still could have done so!
Sorry it was so scary. From this account I see a VERY plausible explanation that involves no malice from the driver, and no intended harm to you, and no actual danger to you except for fear, which isn't nothing, but it's not worth ruining someone's livelihood in my opinion, especially for such a random thing - how often does someone nearly shit their pants?? And then, the one time it happens, he has a Deaf passenger and it's too urgent to type out what's happening before he shit into his upholstery and destroys his main tool?
It's good that you reported it to Uber, but personally, I wouldn't involve police, and would try to reframe it with sympathy for a fellow person who had a poop problem.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:56 AM on December 9 [68 favorites]
>and he was black, didn't want potential police brutality to happen over what might have been nothing.
Sidebar: it's great that you thought about race and privilege during such a chaotic weird moment, that says a lot about you!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 12:04 PM on December 9 [34 favorites]
Sidebar: it's great that you thought about race and privilege during such a chaotic weird moment, that says a lot about you!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 12:04 PM on December 9 [34 favorites]
You don't need to reframe this with sympathy. He treated you horribly. He scared you. Needing to go to the bathroom does not explain most of his behavior. This is not normal Uber driver behavior, it is ridiculous.
I don't think the police will do anything but you are right to frame this as someone acting in a way that is unacceptable, would cause anyone huge anxiety, and that you were absolutely correct to report to Uber.
posted by ponie at 12:04 PM on December 9 [13 favorites]
I don't think the police will do anything but you are right to frame this as someone acting in a way that is unacceptable, would cause anyone huge anxiety, and that you were absolutely correct to report to Uber.
posted by ponie at 12:04 PM on December 9 [13 favorites]
Wow. Honestly? You should have immediately gotten the police, by calling 911 yourself, not the rideshare service. Regardless of his excuse, that was LITERALLY kidnapping you / holding you against your will.
At the very least, it needs reported to law enforcement so that there is a (real) paper trail, because as we've seen demonstrated, ride share services are NOT doing a good job holding their drivers accountable and making sure their passengers are safe.
posted by stormyteal at 12:26 PM on December 9 [8 favorites]
At the very least, it needs reported to law enforcement so that there is a (real) paper trail, because as we've seen demonstrated, ride share services are NOT doing a good job holding their drivers accountable and making sure their passengers are safe.
posted by stormyteal at 12:26 PM on December 9 [8 favorites]
Wanted to add: Don't let anyone here take away your very intact sense of danger in this situation or drive you into self-doubt about your instincts. Your instincts were functioning correctly. When we get in ride shares we are vulnerable and expect to feel safe. We don't expect to be driven erratically in opposite directions, taken off the main road, or chased. AND WE DO NOT EXPECT TO BE LOCKED IN A CAR. I don't care how bad this guy had to poop. You WERE giving him the benefit of the doubt as a human with pooping needs, even to your inconvenience, until he did all this. You should be congratulating yourself for not letting self-doubt cloud your instincts.
posted by ponie at 12:36 PM on December 9 [18 favorites]
posted by ponie at 12:36 PM on December 9 [18 favorites]
I'd file a report. dude is not safe to be around.
posted by j_curiouser at 12:50 PM on December 9 [4 favorites]
posted by j_curiouser at 12:50 PM on December 9 [4 favorites]
Keep in mind that OP is totally Deaf and was communicating with the driver only by typing on a phone screen... that detail makes a HUGE difference in this scenario.
From the driver's POV, he probably DID feel that he had explained the situation! He had already typed several details about needing to urgently use the washroom, and he tried to use the gas station bathroom. He probably did not even realize OP was scared.
The DRIVER himself was probably feeling extremely vulnerable!! Poop and belly cramps are a really vulnerable moment for anyone. People do not act perfectly when they're scared of having diarrhea on the highway with a stranger watching from the back seat.
Plus, the driver may very well have verbally explained exactly what was happening as it happened, for instance muttering "Sorry, I gotta go, be right back" as he bolted to the bushes. But unfortunately the message was not transmitted or even observed (lots of overlapping factors like darkness, lack of eye contact due to driver facing forward as he drove, OP looking down at his phone, driver facing away as he ran to the woods, etc).
Since communication was so patchy, DD got confused, scared and anxious. But if the message of "I might shit myself, so sorry, be right back" had been received, it would have explained many of the unusual things, so the passenger would likely not have felt as scared.
Afterwards, the "chasing" is easily explained since there was NO WAY for the driver to communicate what just happened .... except, unfortunately, to try to get close enough to share a phone screen so he could explain in writing.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 12:52 PM on December 9 [48 favorites]
From the driver's POV, he probably DID feel that he had explained the situation! He had already typed several details about needing to urgently use the washroom, and he tried to use the gas station bathroom. He probably did not even realize OP was scared.
The DRIVER himself was probably feeling extremely vulnerable!! Poop and belly cramps are a really vulnerable moment for anyone. People do not act perfectly when they're scared of having diarrhea on the highway with a stranger watching from the back seat.
Plus, the driver may very well have verbally explained exactly what was happening as it happened, for instance muttering "Sorry, I gotta go, be right back" as he bolted to the bushes. But unfortunately the message was not transmitted or even observed (lots of overlapping factors like darkness, lack of eye contact due to driver facing forward as he drove, OP looking down at his phone, driver facing away as he ran to the woods, etc).
Since communication was so patchy, DD got confused, scared and anxious. But if the message of "I might shit myself, so sorry, be right back" had been received, it would have explained many of the unusual things, so the passenger would likely not have felt as scared.
Afterwards, the "chasing" is easily explained since there was NO WAY for the driver to communicate what just happened .... except, unfortunately, to try to get close enough to share a phone screen so he could explain in writing.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 12:52 PM on December 9 [48 favorites]
I reported a DC taxi driver to the police/authorities once. The guy was very clearly intoxicated, his seatbelts were busted, and he yelled at me after he ran a stop sign while speeding and driving very erratically. Overall a pretty terrifying situation.
It took three-ish years before I was contacted about the case and had to go to a sort of mediation session where the guy aggressively questioned the validity of my memory from 3+ years ago. As far as I am aware nothing ever happened except I took a day off work.
I guess I’m glad I did it though because this guy should not be driving (especially with other folks in his car) and even though my complaint probably did nothing directly I’m glad I helped document his reckless, dangerous behavior and create a paper trail that may help protect others in the future.
posted by forkisbetter at 1:04 PM on December 9 [2 favorites]
It took three-ish years before I was contacted about the case and had to go to a sort of mediation session where the guy aggressively questioned the validity of my memory from 3+ years ago. As far as I am aware nothing ever happened except I took a day off work.
I guess I’m glad I did it though because this guy should not be driving (especially with other folks in his car) and even though my complaint probably did nothing directly I’m glad I helped document his reckless, dangerous behavior and create a paper trail that may help protect others in the future.
posted by forkisbetter at 1:04 PM on December 9 [2 favorites]
I file police reports occasionally as a cyclist when I am bullied by drivers and while I know that usually the police will - at most - call the driver, I do it because it does end up on their driver file in case they are caught doing something similar in the future a note is there showing that it is a pattern.
In that sense, I think it would be a good idea to file a report, just to have it on record. You can make it clear that you don't want charges to be pressed or necessarily anything to be done, but have it on the driver's record in case it happens again. It sounds like it was a really awful situation and very scary and it may very well have been the driver panicking due to needing a washroom and losing rational thought like remembering that he had a deaf passenger, but it might not have been and your report could put additional support on record in case he does something like that again (even just the erratic driving part) and police need to get involved.
But on the other hand, you have a lot going on, as well as the additional barriers of being Deaf and living in a different county and if filing a report is too much effort, then don't feel like you need to. Leave that battle to someone else and hope it was a one-off of the guy just losing rational thought because he really needed to use the washroom.
posted by urbanlenny at 1:11 PM on December 9 [1 favorite]
In that sense, I think it would be a good idea to file a report, just to have it on record. You can make it clear that you don't want charges to be pressed or necessarily anything to be done, but have it on the driver's record in case it happens again. It sounds like it was a really awful situation and very scary and it may very well have been the driver panicking due to needing a washroom and losing rational thought like remembering that he had a deaf passenger, but it might not have been and your report could put additional support on record in case he does something like that again (even just the erratic driving part) and police need to get involved.
But on the other hand, you have a lot going on, as well as the additional barriers of being Deaf and living in a different county and if filing a report is too much effort, then don't feel like you need to. Leave that battle to someone else and hope it was a one-off of the guy just losing rational thought because he really needed to use the washroom.
posted by urbanlenny at 1:11 PM on December 9 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Wow. Some very different perspectives here, very helpful and a bit overwhelming (not in a bad way).
To answer a couple questions:
but are you sure you cannot file a police report online?
I asked. Only way is to do it in person, within the county jurisdiction. The clerk said they could send a police officer to me at, say, Starbucks, and take the report there, but it had to be in that county. I live in the next county over.
How would you feel if someone else gets in the car and this driver does the same thing to them?
That's a very good point. :\ it kind of feels a bit like damned I do, damned I don't. Which brings me to...
Nouvelle-personne, wow. Thanks so much for sharing that perspective, it really helped a lot! I can definitely see where it came down to that.
However... my question is: IF the driver really did need to go to the restroom so badly, why didn't he drop me off at the first gas station we stopped at? "DD, I'm sorry, but I really need to go. Please ask for another ride here." Upon seeing the first station being locked, he should have realized he was no longer in a condition to drive me further, and I'd probably have been able to get another Uber, Lyft, or even a traditional taxi from that gas station. Instead, he took me along the ride trying to seek out a bathroom, and he was driving very erratically, at one point I think even crossing the solid yellow lines on the road. He was also running all over the place at the final intersection where I discovered I was locked in, which was mystifying—not only from the car to the bushes, but on the street too. He really was all over the place.
Another thing:
a lot of Uber drivers use the child door locks to keep the back door locked and prevent fare-skippers
I'm not sure if that's true in my experience, but I haven't really tried. However, how would that prevent fare-skippers? It's all paid for already in the app, prior to the ride. Uber won't allow you to get a ride without a form of payment upfront.
My friends and supervisor suggested I file a police report for safety reasons. Some friends suggested he was on drugs (one friend in particular was convinced he was on meth, saying she had known people on meth and his behavior matched those on meth—cannot say one way or another because I don't know anyone personally who does meth nor have I tried it) or under some kind of influence. We'll never really know the answer—it could be that Nouvelle is right and he truly was in a dire situation, or it could be something else. However, the fact he let me go and didn't actually attempt to harm me does tell me it's possible his intentions were good.
It's sticky because I don't want to harm his livelihood or job if his intentions were good, but I was unfortunately in a scary situation. Nouvelle is right that I am Deaf and use my phone to communicate (and to be fair, the driver was good in at least using my phone to communicate, even if patchy/vague/brief), so that made the situation as a whole even scarier, which is why I wish he at least had deposited me at the first gas station and then did his own business. I do understand how he might not have been thinking clearly, either.
Wow. Honestly? You should have immediately gotten the police, by calling 911 yourself
Not sure how. It's dark, in the middle of the night. The video interpreter would probably not be able to see me or make out my signs, and if I called 911 straight from my phone, I wouldn't be able to hear or speak anything. I believe there might be text-to-911 in Virginia, but it seems to be sporadic and not in all areas, and is suggested only as a last resort.
Such a sticky situation!
posted by dubious_dude at 1:13 PM on December 9 [6 favorites]
To answer a couple questions:
but are you sure you cannot file a police report online?
I asked. Only way is to do it in person, within the county jurisdiction. The clerk said they could send a police officer to me at, say, Starbucks, and take the report there, but it had to be in that county. I live in the next county over.
How would you feel if someone else gets in the car and this driver does the same thing to them?
That's a very good point. :\ it kind of feels a bit like damned I do, damned I don't. Which brings me to...
Nouvelle-personne, wow. Thanks so much for sharing that perspective, it really helped a lot! I can definitely see where it came down to that.
However... my question is: IF the driver really did need to go to the restroom so badly, why didn't he drop me off at the first gas station we stopped at? "DD, I'm sorry, but I really need to go. Please ask for another ride here." Upon seeing the first station being locked, he should have realized he was no longer in a condition to drive me further, and I'd probably have been able to get another Uber, Lyft, or even a traditional taxi from that gas station. Instead, he took me along the ride trying to seek out a bathroom, and he was driving very erratically, at one point I think even crossing the solid yellow lines on the road. He was also running all over the place at the final intersection where I discovered I was locked in, which was mystifying—not only from the car to the bushes, but on the street too. He really was all over the place.
Another thing:
a lot of Uber drivers use the child door locks to keep the back door locked and prevent fare-skippers
I'm not sure if that's true in my experience, but I haven't really tried. However, how would that prevent fare-skippers? It's all paid for already in the app, prior to the ride. Uber won't allow you to get a ride without a form of payment upfront.
My friends and supervisor suggested I file a police report for safety reasons. Some friends suggested he was on drugs (one friend in particular was convinced he was on meth, saying she had known people on meth and his behavior matched those on meth—cannot say one way or another because I don't know anyone personally who does meth nor have I tried it) or under some kind of influence. We'll never really know the answer—it could be that Nouvelle is right and he truly was in a dire situation, or it could be something else. However, the fact he let me go and didn't actually attempt to harm me does tell me it's possible his intentions were good.
It's sticky because I don't want to harm his livelihood or job if his intentions were good, but I was unfortunately in a scary situation. Nouvelle is right that I am Deaf and use my phone to communicate (and to be fair, the driver was good in at least using my phone to communicate, even if patchy/vague/brief), so that made the situation as a whole even scarier, which is why I wish he at least had deposited me at the first gas station and then did his own business. I do understand how he might not have been thinking clearly, either.
Wow. Honestly? You should have immediately gotten the police, by calling 911 yourself
Not sure how. It's dark, in the middle of the night. The video interpreter would probably not be able to see me or make out my signs, and if I called 911 straight from my phone, I wouldn't be able to hear or speak anything. I believe there might be text-to-911 in Virginia, but it seems to be sporadic and not in all areas, and is suggested only as a last resort.
Such a sticky situation!
posted by dubious_dude at 1:13 PM on December 9 [6 favorites]
It may be useful to press Uber for feedback along with whatever comes of your resolution efforts. I would want more information before deciding if a police report *needed* to be filed for others' safety. As in, does this driver have a record or was this a unique event?
If it was a unique event, I think there's room to question the scenario (as many have above) without inferring criminal action (as many have above). Feeling legitimately unsafe isn't a guarantee of harm or harmful intent, and now that the moment of legitimately unsafe feeling has passed it's charitable of you to be wondering about and worrying over your options.
No matter what, I hope you do not feel morally in the wrong if your understanding of the event (which is going to be much more vivid and complete than any summary you can write) compels you to do report this to the police. Ambiguity is not a good solution to threatening situations, and relying on Uber or imagining different ways this experience could have been intended are ambiguous, as is the outcome of a police report. You have no ideal solutions, but you have many partial ones. If I were in your position, the deciding factors would probably be more of the details that reflected precisely how threatened and unsafe I felt now that the intensity of the moment had passed.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 1:15 PM on December 9
If it was a unique event, I think there's room to question the scenario (as many have above) without inferring criminal action (as many have above). Feeling legitimately unsafe isn't a guarantee of harm or harmful intent, and now that the moment of legitimately unsafe feeling has passed it's charitable of you to be wondering about and worrying over your options.
No matter what, I hope you do not feel morally in the wrong if your understanding of the event (which is going to be much more vivid and complete than any summary you can write) compels you to do report this to the police. Ambiguity is not a good solution to threatening situations, and relying on Uber or imagining different ways this experience could have been intended are ambiguous, as is the outcome of a police report. You have no ideal solutions, but you have many partial ones. If I were in your position, the deciding factors would probably be more of the details that reflected precisely how threatened and unsafe I felt now that the intensity of the moment had passed.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 1:15 PM on December 9
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
For the locked in, child locks do work this way and I sometimes forget them with adult passengers. I don't know if this Uber had the plastic shield installed which would stop this, but for your future peace of mind, if they don't have that you can usually unlock the doors by pressing the unlock button on the driver side and often the front passenger side. Just in case you haven't dealt with a lot of child locks.
Uber should be really addressing this and it is infuriating that their model is "we'll make sure you don't get this driver" instead of training or evaluating their drivers. But there we are; it doesn't leave you or the public with good choices. I say that as someone who has supervised bus drivers. Out of that experience, I think if it gives you peace to see this as someone panicking over bowel stuff (watching my MIL on Ozempic has made me especially aware of how much people panic) that is just as logical an explanation as anything else. Again from my experience hiring bus drivers, 95% of bus drivers are amazing people and like 5% are, bluntly, people who have bounced around from job to job a lot sometimes for reasons. (I have stories, one of which involves pee. Not judging people as people, just on their actions and knowing how many times I had to let someone go.)
I think I would ask the police if there can be a report on their driving record like urbanlenny wrote above, because if this wasn't a one-off panic, it should help if others report something in the future. Also the form linked above for drivers-for-hire looks just like the right one. But I also think it's fine to let it go.
posted by warriorqueen at 1:17 PM on December 9 [1 favorite]
For the locked in, child locks do work this way and I sometimes forget them with adult passengers. I don't know if this Uber had the plastic shield installed which would stop this, but for your future peace of mind, if they don't have that you can usually unlock the doors by pressing the unlock button on the driver side and often the front passenger side. Just in case you haven't dealt with a lot of child locks.
Uber should be really addressing this and it is infuriating that their model is "we'll make sure you don't get this driver" instead of training or evaluating their drivers. But there we are; it doesn't leave you or the public with good choices. I say that as someone who has supervised bus drivers. Out of that experience, I think if it gives you peace to see this as someone panicking over bowel stuff (watching my MIL on Ozempic has made me especially aware of how much people panic) that is just as logical an explanation as anything else. Again from my experience hiring bus drivers, 95% of bus drivers are amazing people and like 5% are, bluntly, people who have bounced around from job to job a lot sometimes for reasons. (I have stories, one of which involves pee. Not judging people as people, just on their actions and knowing how many times I had to let someone go.)
I think I would ask the police if there can be a report on their driving record like urbanlenny wrote above, because if this wasn't a one-off panic, it should help if others report something in the future. Also the form linked above for drivers-for-hire looks just like the right one. But I also think it's fine to let it go.
posted by warriorqueen at 1:17 PM on December 9 [1 favorite]
This is a situation where it seems like he probably didn't do anything wrong-wrong, but Jesus Christ, I think I would have shit myself in the back of that uber. I would have been absolutely terrified, so absolutely get you, OP. But on the other hand, it sounds like he just really really had to and ran out to do that when he had no other options and didn't successfully communicate that to you.
Ok, seeing your update on preview...I dunno...I honestly think your justified either way and you would have been justified calling 911 from the cab in the moment, too.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 1:17 PM on December 9 [1 favorite]
Ok, seeing your update on preview...I dunno...I honestly think your justified either way and you would have been justified calling 911 from the cab in the moment, too.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 1:17 PM on December 9 [1 favorite]
I am so so sorry this happened to you.
I guess this can be boiled down to a really unusual situation without good tools for managing communication, but I myself would have been terrified and preparing myself for some kind of assault while simultaneously hesitant to set the police on a marginalized gig driver.
It's a traumatic experience regardless of intent or circumstances. You are absolutely justified in experiencing it as trauma even if possibly the driver also was having their own traumatic experience.
Since the police are making it SO hard to file a report, I would probably give up and go on with my life and just be frustrated about it.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:26 PM on December 9 [1 favorite]
I guess this can be boiled down to a really unusual situation without good tools for managing communication, but I myself would have been terrified and preparing myself for some kind of assault while simultaneously hesitant to set the police on a marginalized gig driver.
It's a traumatic experience regardless of intent or circumstances. You are absolutely justified in experiencing it as trauma even if possibly the driver also was having their own traumatic experience.
Since the police are making it SO hard to file a report, I would probably give up and go on with my life and just be frustrated about it.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:26 PM on December 9 [1 favorite]
Mod note: One comment deleted. Let's avoid speculation and stick to answering the question.
posted by loup (staff) at 1:26 PM on December 9
posted by loup (staff) at 1:26 PM on December 9
He told you he had to shit. He went to TWO gas stations!! Why would YOU not just assume that he was being weird because he was in agony?
Imagine how he must have had to shit with more and more urgency - you know that feeling when you think you're finally close to a toilet but then you can't get to it, and suddenly the urgency is multiplied? He had that, TWICE.
Cops are allowed to be scared and shoot Black people. But Black people aren't allowed to be scared and act weird when cops point guns at them. "Why didn't you comply", everyone says. Nevermind that trained professionals might get flustered. No, a Black person has to be PERFECT or they will be seen as a threat.
You say he shouldn't have had child safety locks on because he had GPS on the app preventing fare-jumpers... I mean, by the same logic, it's not remotely logical for YOU to assume you were being kidnapped while the man had GPS on the app tracking that you were in his car, and his exact location!!
Is this Black man allowed to be vulnerable? Or panicking? Or scared? Or forget to use an unusual form of communication that's new to him? Or forget that you didn't hear some of his anxious mutterings along the way so you weren't up to speed on his increasing urgency? Or can he not realize that you, for some reason, needed to be told a THIRD time that he had to urgently shit, even though he typed it AND went to two gas stations? Is he allowed to be embarrassed and just try to power through and really want to finish the fare? Is he allowed to make the wrong choice in not leaving you at Gas Station #1 because he hopes he'll just be able to hold on long enough to finish the fare AND get to a toilet? Is he allowed to not see into the future? Is he allowed to misjudge how urgent his diarrhea was?
Can a Black person be a real person who's scared and makes an imperfect choice WITHOUT people thinking he's a kidnapper (and like, when in America has a Black man EVER kidnapped a white man???? While on GPS???) or a meth head??? HE TOLD YOU WHAT WAS HAPPENING, MAN.
Fuck it's so scary to be Black in this world. Read all these answers and imagine you're a Black person who might lose his livelihood or be shot in the woods because you had fucking diarrhea one night. And nonBlack strangers idly debating HOW DANGEROUS you were because Black people aren't allowed to be human enough to ever be distracted by physical pain.
Mods, if this was a woman talking about a fear of being raped, you'd leave the comment. I am Black. Please leave this comment up. Race perspective MATTERS.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 1:26 PM on December 9 [84 favorites]
Imagine how he must have had to shit with more and more urgency - you know that feeling when you think you're finally close to a toilet but then you can't get to it, and suddenly the urgency is multiplied? He had that, TWICE.
Cops are allowed to be scared and shoot Black people. But Black people aren't allowed to be scared and act weird when cops point guns at them. "Why didn't you comply", everyone says. Nevermind that trained professionals might get flustered. No, a Black person has to be PERFECT or they will be seen as a threat.
You say he shouldn't have had child safety locks on because he had GPS on the app preventing fare-jumpers... I mean, by the same logic, it's not remotely logical for YOU to assume you were being kidnapped while the man had GPS on the app tracking that you were in his car, and his exact location!!
Is this Black man allowed to be vulnerable? Or panicking? Or scared? Or forget to use an unusual form of communication that's new to him? Or forget that you didn't hear some of his anxious mutterings along the way so you weren't up to speed on his increasing urgency? Or can he not realize that you, for some reason, needed to be told a THIRD time that he had to urgently shit, even though he typed it AND went to two gas stations? Is he allowed to be embarrassed and just try to power through and really want to finish the fare? Is he allowed to make the wrong choice in not leaving you at Gas Station #1 because he hopes he'll just be able to hold on long enough to finish the fare AND get to a toilet? Is he allowed to not see into the future? Is he allowed to misjudge how urgent his diarrhea was?
Can a Black person be a real person who's scared and makes an imperfect choice WITHOUT people thinking he's a kidnapper (and like, when in America has a Black man EVER kidnapped a white man???? While on GPS???) or a meth head??? HE TOLD YOU WHAT WAS HAPPENING, MAN.
Fuck it's so scary to be Black in this world. Read all these answers and imagine you're a Black person who might lose his livelihood or be shot in the woods because you had fucking diarrhea one night. And nonBlack strangers idly debating HOW DANGEROUS you were because Black people aren't allowed to be human enough to ever be distracted by physical pain.
Mods, if this was a woman talking about a fear of being raped, you'd leave the comment. I am Black. Please leave this comment up. Race perspective MATTERS.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 1:26 PM on December 9 [84 favorites]
Filing a police report seems like a reasonable thing to do in the moment, given the update you posted and everything else. I would just try to get the sequence of events clear in your mind so you can lay it out to the cop who comes to take your statement.
posted by Alensin at 1:27 PM on December 9
posted by Alensin at 1:27 PM on December 9
I don't know if I'd go back to the next county to file a police report, and I also don't think you should worry about his intentions, but focus on his behavior: he went off-route, behaved erratically, refused to let you out of the car when you asked, and then locked you in the car, and then, when you left the car, chased you. That's scary! I think you've done right by reporting this to uber, and I would probably leave it there.
I really wonder if people would counsel you differently about being locked in the car if you were a woman. I would be terrified to be locked in the car. Why did he have the child locks on? Since you pay through the app, I don't really buy the fare jumping explanation, which would make more sense with a taxi where you pay at the end.
I found this business insider article about child locks and rideshare.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:33 PM on December 9 [2 favorites]
I really wonder if people would counsel you differently about being locked in the car if you were a woman. I would be terrified to be locked in the car. Why did he have the child locks on? Since you pay through the app, I don't really buy the fare jumping explanation, which would make more sense with a taxi where you pay at the end.
I found this business insider article about child locks and rideshare.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:33 PM on December 9 [2 favorites]
Drunks fall out of cars! Drunk dumbass passengers try to play Firedrill and switch seats at intersections, or open doors too early and door-slam cyclists, parked cars, etc. Some drivers actually just have kids because they are humans, and forget the child locks are on when they're on shift. Makes total sense for an Uber driver to want to have some control over the doors in their vehicle.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 1:39 PM on December 9 [18 favorites]
posted by nouvelle-personne at 1:39 PM on December 9 [18 favorites]
I understand you were scared but now that you have had a chance to calm yourself, is there really any reason to think this was anything other than a bathroom emergency? This isn't a police matter, this is a matter of having empathy for people when they are struggling with undeniable and un-postponable urgent needs.
> He pulled into a gas station, which ended up being locked, so we left. I thought that was the end of it.
Why would you think that was the end of it? The man wanted to use the bathroom urgently and didn't find one. This isn't a problem that just goes away.
> I was a bit annoyed because that would mean a more expensive fare (waiting)
That doesn't sound like a reasonable peeve: you clearly know how to contact Uber, so you know you would have gotten any extra charges credited back.
Your whole panic seems to stem from feeling trapped inside a car while your driver ran all over the place, but he had a perfectly good reason to do that - which he even shared with you. And while none of us have control over where or how or why we panic, now you should be able to see that you were never in any danger and everything that happened was due to your driver being a human being in possession of bowels. Come on. You can understand that. Don't call the police on a Black man just coz he needed to poop at an inopportune time.
posted by MiraK at 1:44 PM on December 9 [31 favorites]
> He pulled into a gas station, which ended up being locked, so we left. I thought that was the end of it.
Why would you think that was the end of it? The man wanted to use the bathroom urgently and didn't find one. This isn't a problem that just goes away.
> I was a bit annoyed because that would mean a more expensive fare (waiting)
That doesn't sound like a reasonable peeve: you clearly know how to contact Uber, so you know you would have gotten any extra charges credited back.
Your whole panic seems to stem from feeling trapped inside a car while your driver ran all over the place, but he had a perfectly good reason to do that - which he even shared with you. And while none of us have control over where or how or why we panic, now you should be able to see that you were never in any danger and everything that happened was due to your driver being a human being in possession of bowels. Come on. You can understand that. Don't call the police on a Black man just coz he needed to poop at an inopportune time.
posted by MiraK at 1:44 PM on December 9 [31 favorites]
RE the child locks: in my car, the button that engages these is really easy to hit accidentally. I do it all the time.
posted by metasarah at 1:48 PM on December 9 [3 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 1:48 PM on December 9 [3 favorites]
As kindly as I can possibly put this, you have engaged dozens of members of an internet community in your poop anxiety for literally years. I have spent more time reading about how you personally feel about pooping than you spent engaged in this scenario.
I am not discounting at all that this would be a confusing and weird situation to be in. And I also want to encourage you to 100% no question contact help in whatever manner you can if you ever have a genuine belief that you are endangered or being kidnapped.
But I would hope in the cold light and reason of day that you, a person who has experienced and publicly shared many butt crises, could give grace to another fellow person experiencing a butt crisis.
posted by phunniemee at 2:05 PM on December 9 [79 favorites]
I am not discounting at all that this would be a confusing and weird situation to be in. And I also want to encourage you to 100% no question contact help in whatever manner you can if you ever have a genuine belief that you are endangered or being kidnapped.
But I would hope in the cold light and reason of day that you, a person who has experienced and publicly shared many butt crises, could give grace to another fellow person experiencing a butt crisis.
posted by phunniemee at 2:05 PM on December 9 [79 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for the input.
I will not do a police report.
posted by dubious_dude at 2:07 PM on December 9 [11 favorites]
I will not do a police report.
posted by dubious_dude at 2:07 PM on December 9 [11 favorites]
I was a bit annoyed because that would mean a more expensive fare (waiting)
FYI, once the trip has started, there's no "waiting" charge. Waiting refers to the period of time between the driver arriving to pick you up, and you getting into the car to start the trip.
posted by keep it under cover at 2:23 PM on December 9 [7 favorites]
FYI, once the trip has started, there's no "waiting" charge. Waiting refers to the period of time between the driver arriving to pick you up, and you getting into the car to start the trip.
posted by keep it under cover at 2:23 PM on December 9 [7 favorites]
I think you've made the right decision - I agree that the driver was unprofessional so reporting to Uber makes sense, but I see nothing criminal here - totally makes sense you'd find it alarming, but I don't think he had any ill-intent. I can imagine how the stress of needing to urgently shit might make a person not think straight.
posted by coffeecat at 2:48 PM on December 9 [2 favorites]
posted by coffeecat at 2:48 PM on December 9 [2 favorites]
Absolutely understandable that you were upset and freaked out! I would've been, too! And good for you for following your instincts and having the presence of mind to get in touch with the safety team during the ride.
But, in the end:
To me it looks less like "he intentionally trapped you in the car", and more like "he was so panicked he accidentally left you locked inside his most expensive possession". A good proof of this is that he let you out when he got back. If he really wanted to hurt you, he still could have done so!
seems right to me. He wasn't locking you in the car on purpose. I don't take Ubers often, maybe four-five times a year, but at least one of those times a year I have to remind the driver to unlock the child safety lock on my door at the end of the ride. He didn't try to do anything to you when he got back.
Don't make a mess of this man's life because of a bathroom emergency, please. But do take some time to relax and reassure yourself. You have every right to be shaken.
posted by praemunire at 5:06 PM on December 9 [5 favorites]
But, in the end:
To me it looks less like "he intentionally trapped you in the car", and more like "he was so panicked he accidentally left you locked inside his most expensive possession". A good proof of this is that he let you out when he got back. If he really wanted to hurt you, he still could have done so!
seems right to me. He wasn't locking you in the car on purpose. I don't take Ubers often, maybe four-five times a year, but at least one of those times a year I have to remind the driver to unlock the child safety lock on my door at the end of the ride. He didn't try to do anything to you when he got back.
Don't make a mess of this man's life because of a bathroom emergency, please. But do take some time to relax and reassure yourself. You have every right to be shaken.
posted by praemunire at 5:06 PM on December 9 [5 favorites]
Don't report it to the police, because the likely outcome if the police can be bothered to do anything (the work you have to do just to report it makes it clear they don't give a shit), they are likely to want to charge someone with something for the trouble and, in that situation, they would have to be looking at kidnapping-related charges, so some huge serious trouble for the driver coming up. Like many others, I'm sure this was most likely a situation that got a bit out of hand and escalated weirdly. That's not at all to say it wasn't scary for you at the time and you acted in a completely appropriate way, but it's likely reporting this to the police will completely fuck someone's life and is that justified? I don't think so.
posted by dg at 6:52 PM on December 9 [1 favorite]
posted by dg at 6:52 PM on December 9 [1 favorite]
IMHO, definitely report to Uber, but probably not the police.
He really should have declined your ride and clocked out to find a restroom first.
posted by kschang at 1:29 AM on December 10 [2 favorites]
He really should have declined your ride and clocked out to find a restroom first.
posted by kschang at 1:29 AM on December 10 [2 favorites]
It sounds like that was an unpleasant evening for everyone involved. I think you did the right thing reporting to Uber. He probably should have ended the ride after the first restroom was locked or communicated with you that he was going to try to find another bathroom.
Based on your previous questions it sounds like you live out by Dulles. Would it be any easier to take the silver line out and then uber from the station? I know it can take an annoyingly long time but you wouldn't be alone for as long in that case.
FWIW if I had an hour long travel to somewhere and no public transit option I would personally taxi rather than uber; even though it is more expensive, it's usually more regulated as an industry.
posted by donut_princess at 6:19 AM on December 10
Based on your previous questions it sounds like you live out by Dulles. Would it be any easier to take the silver line out and then uber from the station? I know it can take an annoyingly long time but you wouldn't be alone for as long in that case.
FWIW if I had an hour long travel to somewhere and no public transit option I would personally taxi rather than uber; even though it is more expensive, it's usually more regulated as an industry.
posted by donut_princess at 6:19 AM on December 10
I can't believe that THREE DAYS AGO we had a fucking CLASS WAR over whether Dubious Dude should TIP an uber driver.... and SEVENTY TWO HOURS later, THIRTY SEVEN OF YOU (I COUNTED CAREFULLY) advised or "liked" the idea of him getting a Black uber driver banned from his employment or even possibly MURDERED BY COPS IN THE WOODS because this poor innocent agonized Black man had the GALL to have diarrhea and could not possibly guess that his passenger would not be able to hold the thought in his head for half a fucking hour that when someone has to urgently shit, the urgency amplifies with time.
And the FUCKING IRONY that it's DUBIOUS DUDE, the man who literally writes MONTHLY ARIAS about his poo, who tentatively led the lynch mob in debating getting a Black man murdered over.... a toilet problem. Dubious Dude was holding the lighter to the torches here and asking, "so... nothing actually happened and i'm home safe now, but still.... should i flame up this motherfucker and ruin a Black man's life?" and THIRTY SEVEN OF YOU were like "Favourite added" or even
YES YOU ARE O B L I G A T E D!!!!! OBLIGATED! THIS BLACK MAN MIGHT SHIT AGAIN!!!
IT'S MORE IMPORTANT NOT TO CALL THE DEATH SQUAD ON AN UBER DRIVER THAN IT IS TO TIP HIM FIVE FUCKING WHITE SAVIOUR DOLLARS. DO YOU FUCKING GET THAT???? HOW SHALLOW ARE YOUR FUCKING POLITICS??????
What the fuck is the so-called left???? I despair. I really fucking do. My heart pounded into my fucking EYEBALLS reading this thread. I wept. I fucking CRIED over this. Every few months you just show me how much you HATE me. Fucking BULLIES with your #blacksquares on #instagram2020 but safe and sound with your vigilante squad on speed dial today and you don't even THINK about anyone else's position. We're not even HUMANS to you. All that matters are your own FEEEEELINGS OF FEAR ABOUT BLAAAAHHHCK PEOPLE WHO ARE ALL KIDNAPPING DEGENERATE METH HEADS if they so much as fucking fart. You are fucking SCARY!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 7:44 AM on December 10 [52 favorites]
And the FUCKING IRONY that it's DUBIOUS DUDE, the man who literally writes MONTHLY ARIAS about his poo, who tentatively led the lynch mob in debating getting a Black man murdered over.... a toilet problem. Dubious Dude was holding the lighter to the torches here and asking, "so... nothing actually happened and i'm home safe now, but still.... should i flame up this motherfucker and ruin a Black man's life?" and THIRTY SEVEN OF YOU were like "Favourite added" or even
YES YOU ARE O B L I G A T E D!!!!! OBLIGATED! THIS BLACK MAN MIGHT SHIT AGAIN!!!
IT'S MORE IMPORTANT NOT TO CALL THE DEATH SQUAD ON AN UBER DRIVER THAN IT IS TO TIP HIM FIVE FUCKING WHITE SAVIOUR DOLLARS. DO YOU FUCKING GET THAT???? HOW SHALLOW ARE YOUR FUCKING POLITICS??????
What the fuck is the so-called left???? I despair. I really fucking do. My heart pounded into my fucking EYEBALLS reading this thread. I wept. I fucking CRIED over this. Every few months you just show me how much you HATE me. Fucking BULLIES with your #blacksquares on #instagram2020 but safe and sound with your vigilante squad on speed dial today and you don't even THINK about anyone else's position. We're not even HUMANS to you. All that matters are your own FEEEEELINGS OF FEAR ABOUT BLAAAAHHHCK PEOPLE WHO ARE ALL KIDNAPPING DEGENERATE METH HEADS if they so much as fucking fart. You are fucking SCARY!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 7:44 AM on December 10 [52 favorites]
Reading through this thread it's horrifying how many people are telling OP that it's okay to report a Black man for daring to have bodily functions at a moment inconvenient to a white person. Even the "best" of these comments urging OP to report are saying report this driver to Uber but not the police, as if the driver made an error worthy of losing his livelihood when he picked up OP at a time when he needed to use the bathroom. Wow.
nouvelle-personne gets it just right in her response upthread when she says: "Can a Black person be a real person who's scared and makes an imperfect choice WITHOUT people thinking he's a kidnapper?" We are lucky to have her voice here and I can't believe her comments have been deleted. It's not surprising but nevertheless it is utterly demoralizing. Meanwhile all of the racist-ass white people loudly telling OP to sic the police on a Black man pronto, for the crime of him needing a bathroom, are STILL UP.
These site priorities are truly something else. Delete a Black woman for saying something she unfortunately knows a LOT about - for making a point about how this post threatens her personally - but leave up everything that hyperbolically coddles white people's irrational feelings at the expense of Black people's lives and livelihood.
posted by MiraK at 8:16 AM on December 10 [25 favorites]
nouvelle-personne gets it just right in her response upthread when she says: "Can a Black person be a real person who's scared and makes an imperfect choice WITHOUT people thinking he's a kidnapper?" We are lucky to have her voice here and I can't believe her comments have been deleted. It's not surprising but nevertheless it is utterly demoralizing. Meanwhile all of the racist-ass white people loudly telling OP to sic the police on a Black man pronto, for the crime of him needing a bathroom, are STILL UP.
These site priorities are truly something else. Delete a Black woman for saying something she unfortunately knows a LOT about - for making a point about how this post threatens her personally - but leave up everything that hyperbolically coddles white people's irrational feelings at the expense of Black people's lives and livelihood.
posted by MiraK at 8:16 AM on December 10 [25 favorites]
nouvelle_personne I appreciate your answers in this thread and it does make me reconsider my response a bit. I still do think that Uber should have training and procedures for drivers in emergencies because it is a lot to ask drivers to make those decisions on the ground.
But the perspective is a really good one. I hope you come back and I appreciate it.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:24 AM on December 10 [3 favorites]
But the perspective is a really good one. I hope you come back and I appreciate it.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:24 AM on December 10 [3 favorites]
Mod note: A couple of comments deleted. Please abide by the Content Policy and remember that Ask MetaFilter comments should address the main question being asked.
posted by loup (staff) at 9:05 AM on December 10 [2 favorites]
posted by loup (staff) at 9:05 AM on December 10 [2 favorites]
"He seemed a bit out of it and asked me for my destination. I was confused, as that should have been obvious/automatic via the app."
It's unfortunate that this simple question set things off on the wrong foot right off the bat. To me this is reading too much into a normal and expectable level of smalltalk. Yes there's the app, but as a human it is natural to try to connect socially when meeting someone new. For many people it's instinctive and automatic, especially in service roles. This is a standard question that serves to acknowledge you and also to confirm that he's picking up the right person.
"I asked him to drop me off and end the ride if he could not wait to go to the restroom."
This was phrased as a conditional but intended as a directive. That's a communication mismatch. It sets up wiggle room for the driver: "If you're so desperate then..." "Gosh, I'm not that desperate as all that..." It will be helpful to practice more assertive speech ("OK stop right here. I need you to do what I say next. I need you to stop the car up over there and let me out. I am ending this ride.") Use the text-to-speech on the phone. I personally am not naturally assertive either but it's a useful skill.
"The door was locked—I was trapped. "
Was there a hard partition between the front and the back of the car? Was it possible to lean forward or climb up front to use the front doors? If that was an option, there's an opportunity to acknowledge that you had a panic freeze response, and think forward to handling any future situations more actively.
I hope this is not too harsh. I too am naturally meek and prone to freeze, and this can justly be called Monday quarterbacking. However, these remarks are offered in the hope for us both to grow in confidence and agency.
posted by dum spiro spero at 1:37 PM on December 10 [1 favorite]
It's unfortunate that this simple question set things off on the wrong foot right off the bat. To me this is reading too much into a normal and expectable level of smalltalk. Yes there's the app, but as a human it is natural to try to connect socially when meeting someone new. For many people it's instinctive and automatic, especially in service roles. This is a standard question that serves to acknowledge you and also to confirm that he's picking up the right person.
"I asked him to drop me off and end the ride if he could not wait to go to the restroom."
This was phrased as a conditional but intended as a directive. That's a communication mismatch. It sets up wiggle room for the driver: "If you're so desperate then..." "Gosh, I'm not that desperate as all that..." It will be helpful to practice more assertive speech ("OK stop right here. I need you to do what I say next. I need you to stop the car up over there and let me out. I am ending this ride.") Use the text-to-speech on the phone. I personally am not naturally assertive either but it's a useful skill.
"The door was locked—I was trapped. "
Was there a hard partition between the front and the back of the car? Was it possible to lean forward or climb up front to use the front doors? If that was an option, there's an opportunity to acknowledge that you had a panic freeze response, and think forward to handling any future situations more actively.
I hope this is not too harsh. I too am naturally meek and prone to freeze, and this can justly be called Monday quarterbacking. However, these remarks are offered in the hope for us both to grow in confidence and agency.
posted by dum spiro spero at 1:37 PM on December 10 [1 favorite]
Chiming in late, but here's a thought:
Many cities/counties have a non-emergency department, for issues like this. You can file a report, which is I think would be a good decision, but it's less of an intense direction confrontation as a 911 call.
I'm sorry you had to go through this and I understand your fears. Thank for thinking of the black man and wanting to avoid potentially dangering him. But he didn't handle that well, and we know that because you felt so unsafe. And you, along with everyone else, deserves to be feel safe.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:09 PM on December 10 [1 favorite]
Many cities/counties have a non-emergency department, for issues like this. You can file a report, which is I think would be a good decision, but it's less of an intense direction confrontation as a 911 call.
I'm sorry you had to go through this and I understand your fears. Thank for thinking of the black man and wanting to avoid potentially dangering him. But he didn't handle that well, and we know that because you felt so unsafe. And you, along with everyone else, deserves to be feel safe.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:09 PM on December 10 [1 favorite]
> Thank for thinking of the black man and wanting to avoid potentially dangering him. But he didn't handle that well, and we know that because you felt so unsafe.
This is problematic. White people "feeling unsafe" has historically led to so much violence against Black people. Think about all those cops who felt unsafe just before shooting an unarmed Black person. It is unreasonable to say that OP feeling unsafe must be because the Black man handled it poorly. Maybe OP felt unsafe due to the societal bias that most of us have ingrained in us.
If the driver had been an Asian female (the demographic least viewed as threatening) who dashed out to poop without unlocking the car doors, would you still have felt like you were being kidnapped?
posted by vienna at 5:57 PM on December 10 [16 favorites]
This is problematic. White people "feeling unsafe" has historically led to so much violence against Black people. Think about all those cops who felt unsafe just before shooting an unarmed Black person. It is unreasonable to say that OP feeling unsafe must be because the Black man handled it poorly. Maybe OP felt unsafe due to the societal bias that most of us have ingrained in us.
If the driver had been an Asian female (the demographic least viewed as threatening) who dashed out to poop without unlocking the car doors, would you still have felt like you were being kidnapped?
posted by vienna at 5:57 PM on December 10 [16 favorites]
Are we totally ignoring that the OP said the driver was driving erratically? Erratic driving is absolutely a justifiable reason to report him to Uber. It’s very dangerous.
And that OP said the driver would not stop the car and end the ride when OP requested it?
And that the driver chased after OP?
These seem to be things that are far outside the norm, dangerous, against the implicit agreement one has when getting in an Uber, and not explained because someone has to shit real bad. Does diarrhea make you chase after people? Does diarrhea not let you let people out of the car when asked?
posted by MisantropicPainforest at 8:05 PM on December 10 [2 favorites]
And that OP said the driver would not stop the car and end the ride when OP requested it?
And that the driver chased after OP?
These seem to be things that are far outside the norm, dangerous, against the implicit agreement one has when getting in an Uber, and not explained because someone has to shit real bad. Does diarrhea make you chase after people? Does diarrhea not let you let people out of the car when asked?
posted by MisantropicPainforest at 8:05 PM on December 10 [2 favorites]
He seemed a bit out of it and asked me for my destination. I was confused, as that should have been obvious/automatic via the app.
Sometimes drivers ask this to be certain that they are picking up the correct person. And if it's a destination an hour or more away they probably want to be certain that's what you want, especially since they only find out the destination once they've arrived to wherever you're being picked up. It's a normal thing for a driver to ask about.
posted by oneirodynia at 8:18 PM on December 10 [7 favorites]
Sometimes drivers ask this to be certain that they are picking up the correct person. And if it's a destination an hour or more away they probably want to be certain that's what you want, especially since they only find out the destination once they've arrived to wherever you're being picked up. It's a normal thing for a driver to ask about.
posted by oneirodynia at 8:18 PM on December 10 [7 favorites]
And that the driver chased after OP?
It appears that driver and OP could not communicate without OP's phone (due to OP's deafness). So if driver was desperate to explain what was going on, they couldn't without getting him to give them his phone.
I mean, what dark intentions do you think the driver had here?
posted by praemunire at 8:55 PM on December 10 [7 favorites]
It appears that driver and OP could not communicate without OP's phone (due to OP's deafness). So if driver was desperate to explain what was going on, they couldn't without getting him to give them his phone.
I mean, what dark intentions do you think the driver had here?
posted by praemunire at 8:55 PM on December 10 [7 favorites]
please get help, man. please spend more time working on your anxiety in therapy. it keeps you from being in touch with reality.
posted by knock my sock and i'll clean your clock at 9:02 PM on December 10 [19 favorites]
posted by knock my sock and i'll clean your clock at 9:02 PM on December 10 [19 favorites]
The driver can message the passenger on the Uber app. They don’t need to chase after anyone to use their phone to communicate.
Every Uber driver who speeds excessively and drives erratically should be reported to Uber. The incentives work in such a way that it doesn’t benefit the driver to speed since it wastes gas and risks a ticket, and the margins aren’t worth it in most cases. Now perhaps there are good reasons to endanger everyone else on the road, yourself, and your passengers, but having to shit isn’t one of them.
It would be helpful to know how long the driver was driving erratically and how fast they were going.
posted by MisantropicPainforest at 6:07 AM on December 11
Every Uber driver who speeds excessively and drives erratically should be reported to Uber. The incentives work in such a way that it doesn’t benefit the driver to speed since it wastes gas and risks a ticket, and the margins aren’t worth it in most cases. Now perhaps there are good reasons to endanger everyone else on the road, yourself, and your passengers, but having to shit isn’t one of them.
It would be helpful to know how long the driver was driving erratically and how fast they were going.
posted by MisantropicPainforest at 6:07 AM on December 11
The driver can message the passenger on the Uber app. They don’t need to chase after anyone to use their phone to communicate.
Not in the moment!
The inability to distinguish between "most effective thing you can do if you sit down and plan it out with resources to hand and test" and "what a person might reasonably do in the heat of the moment" is a real problem here. And it only seems to be manifesting itself to the detriment of one of the parties here.
Was nouvelle_person's last comment deleted? Why?
posted by praemunire at 6:10 AM on December 11 [3 favorites]
Not in the moment!
The inability to distinguish between "most effective thing you can do if you sit down and plan it out with resources to hand and test" and "what a person might reasonably do in the heat of the moment" is a real problem here. And it only seems to be manifesting itself to the detriment of one of the parties here.
Was nouvelle_person's last comment deleted? Why?
posted by praemunire at 6:10 AM on December 11 [3 favorites]
I imagine the responses to an uber driver chasing after a woman when they can just text them in the app they use all the time instead of a using a different phone and a different app that they’ve only known about since they last picked up this passenger would be very different than the one here.
Anyway, Uber driver doesn’t seem like a bad person, rather someone who was under some sort of distress. That can cause people to make bad decisions. And the Uber driver made a couple bad decisions. Doesn’t make them a bad person. But I think that it’s wrong to try to convince the OP that the Uber driver made no bad decisions and it’s all in the OPs perception.
posted by MisantropicPainforest at 6:28 AM on December 11
Anyway, Uber driver doesn’t seem like a bad person, rather someone who was under some sort of distress. That can cause people to make bad decisions. And the Uber driver made a couple bad decisions. Doesn’t make them a bad person. But I think that it’s wrong to try to convince the OP that the Uber driver made no bad decisions and it’s all in the OPs perception.
posted by MisantropicPainforest at 6:28 AM on December 11
I think if you read back you will find me, and basically everyone else telling OP not to file a police report, explicitly validating OP's fear and confusion in the moment.
Do you live under the threat of having the police called on you if you make a less-than-optimal decision under difficult circumstances at work, which after the fact turns out not to have done serious harm to anyone? Come on.
posted by praemunire at 6:49 AM on December 11 [4 favorites]
Do you live under the threat of having the police called on you if you make a less-than-optimal decision under difficult circumstances at work, which after the fact turns out not to have done serious harm to anyone? Come on.
posted by praemunire at 6:49 AM on December 11 [4 favorites]
There should be no police report, but every Uber driver who speeds and drives erratically should be reported to Uber.
posted by MisantropicPainforest at 6:57 AM on December 11 [2 favorites]
posted by MisantropicPainforest at 6:57 AM on December 11 [2 favorites]
The difference in "would we be saying this if it was a woman" is probably predicated on the fact that this specific poster has a long history of allowing his anxiety and need to control people turn himself into a victim. Every action of every friend is looked at as something done to them.
Would I normally take it on face value that the driver was speeding and driving badly? Maybe? But when the very question asked before this was about tipping, alluding to being exhausted in the money they're spending on the service? I have to look at this question as part of the whole.
To specifically answer Dude's Q: No, don't report anything. Fill your heart with hope that the driver is ok and doesn't have serious medical issues, or lost a source of income right before the holidays.
I think it's time to look into getting some kind of other transportation. You're dealing with too much beyond your control relying on uber and that's exasperating your anxiety, causing your brain to look for ways in which you've been victimized, so you can give yourself a reason to not use it and stay home.
You knew living away from the city might be an issue when you moved, and here we are. But I think you can problem-solve here and work something out that will get you where you need to go and keep you connected to community.
Please, please don't let this become an excuse on why you can't connect with your friends and family. Your brain is searching all the time for reasons to isolate yourself. Argue with it. Put up a fight.
posted by haplesschild at 8:58 AM on December 11 [7 favorites]
Would I normally take it on face value that the driver was speeding and driving badly? Maybe? But when the very question asked before this was about tipping, alluding to being exhausted in the money they're spending on the service? I have to look at this question as part of the whole.
To specifically answer Dude's Q: No, don't report anything. Fill your heart with hope that the driver is ok and doesn't have serious medical issues, or lost a source of income right before the holidays.
I think it's time to look into getting some kind of other transportation. You're dealing with too much beyond your control relying on uber and that's exasperating your anxiety, causing your brain to look for ways in which you've been victimized, so you can give yourself a reason to not use it and stay home.
You knew living away from the city might be an issue when you moved, and here we are. But I think you can problem-solve here and work something out that will get you where you need to go and keep you connected to community.
Please, please don't let this become an excuse on why you can't connect with your friends and family. Your brain is searching all the time for reasons to isolate yourself. Argue with it. Put up a fight.
posted by haplesschild at 8:58 AM on December 11 [7 favorites]
The difference in "would we be saying this if it was a woman" is probably predicated on the fact that this specific poster has a long history of allowing his anxiety and need to control people turn himself into a victim. Every action of every friend is looked at as something done to them.
I don’t find this to be the case at all. It’s both uncharitable and unfair to someone who genuinely asked for feedback and took it graciously.
posted by knobknosher at 11:26 AM on December 11 [4 favorites]
I don’t find this to be the case at all. It’s both uncharitable and unfair to someone who genuinely asked for feedback and took it graciously.
posted by knobknosher at 11:26 AM on December 11 [4 favorites]
And we don’t have to pick sides here. Neither person did anything terrible. OP acknowledged that they may not have been thinking clearly, which is the right call. No one is a perfect person who always understands each situation with perfect clarity while it’s happening. They’re both fine people who did their best.
posted by knobknosher at 11:29 AM on December 11 [2 favorites]
posted by knobknosher at 11:29 AM on December 11 [2 favorites]
Every Uber driver who speeds excessively and drives erratically should be reported to Uber.
The OP does not say that the driver was "speeding excessively", they did not even say the driver was "speeding": He started driving fast and a bit erratically.
Now perhaps there are good reasons to endanger everyone else on the road, yourself, and your passengers, but having to shit isn’t one of them
No one here knows if the driver was driving fast enough to be speeding, or if their erratic driving was endangering people. Maybe that's the case, but "a bit erratically" is not how most people would describe actually dangerous driving- though I admit the only one here who knows for sure is the OP.
At any rate, if you're an Uber driver, and you shit your pants in your car, your opportunity to work that night is over, and you get to spend the next working opportunity spending several hours cleaning your car. People who drive Ubers for a living are already on the margins for the most part, and losing several hours to cleaning instead of driving can be devastating- especially if they're driving a leased car. I'm frankly astonished at how many people in this thread think that a sudden case of diarrhea while embarking on an hour long car trip late at night is No Big Deal. What if you were the passenger, and this were happening to you? My guess is most people would hope that their driver would be doing whatever it took to find them a bathroom, even if it involved fast and somewhat erratic driving.
I don't know if the driver left the car running when they ran off, but if so that is probably why the back doors were locked. Yes, this is a scary thing to experience when you don't know what is going on. Some people who live in a place where car jackings occur (like DC) also have their cars set to only unlock driver's doors by default unless the passenger doors are specifically unlocked.
Yes it's scary to feel as if you are being chased, but the driver stopped as soon as DD told them to. This doesn't sound like aggression, it sounds like a grievous misunderstanding.
posted by oneirodynia at 11:45 AM on December 11 [9 favorites]
The OP does not say that the driver was "speeding excessively", they did not even say the driver was "speeding": He started driving fast and a bit erratically.
Now perhaps there are good reasons to endanger everyone else on the road, yourself, and your passengers, but having to shit isn’t one of them
No one here knows if the driver was driving fast enough to be speeding, or if their erratic driving was endangering people. Maybe that's the case, but "a bit erratically" is not how most people would describe actually dangerous driving- though I admit the only one here who knows for sure is the OP.
At any rate, if you're an Uber driver, and you shit your pants in your car, your opportunity to work that night is over, and you get to spend the next working opportunity spending several hours cleaning your car. People who drive Ubers for a living are already on the margins for the most part, and losing several hours to cleaning instead of driving can be devastating- especially if they're driving a leased car. I'm frankly astonished at how many people in this thread think that a sudden case of diarrhea while embarking on an hour long car trip late at night is No Big Deal. What if you were the passenger, and this were happening to you? My guess is most people would hope that their driver would be doing whatever it took to find them a bathroom, even if it involved fast and somewhat erratic driving.
I don't know if the driver left the car running when they ran off, but if so that is probably why the back doors were locked. Yes, this is a scary thing to experience when you don't know what is going on. Some people who live in a place where car jackings occur (like DC) also have their cars set to only unlock driver's doors by default unless the passenger doors are specifically unlocked.
Yes it's scary to feel as if you are being chased, but the driver stopped as soon as DD told them to. This doesn't sound like aggression, it sounds like a grievous misunderstanding.
posted by oneirodynia at 11:45 AM on December 11 [9 favorites]
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posted by axiom at 11:21 AM on December 9 [52 favorites]