I feel as though I have been backed into a corner.

December 7, 2024 7:41 AM

How do you handle someone who is emotionally abusive and using their child as a pawn?

I didn’t want to ask for advice about this but I am stuck as to what to do next. I’m glad to spend time with my nephew but I can’t stand all of the upset that goes with it. Two weeks ago, Nephew arrived on my doorstep, dropped off by his mum (my sister). Nephew: Can I stay at your house whilst my mum works?
Sister is sat watching from the car. I let Nephew in and sister drives off.
I’ve looked after Nephew a billion times before but very often Sister doesn’t ask. Nephew just turns up. I have repeatedly asked Sister to let me know if she wants me look after him. Sister thinks I don’t need any notice as I am off work anyway at the weekend.
So around 8 hours later when Sister arrived to collect Nephew, I asked her again to let me know beforehand. Sister claims she has sent messages or phoned yet there is no record on my phone. Sister has also told my mother that she doesn’t ask me in advance because it will give me the opportunity to say no. I have said no once in 11 years.
Sister starts to berate me that Nephew is only a boy staying in a room at my house that I don’t even need to speak to him and that Nephew is picking up on me being disgruntled, that she needs to work, that the government says she has to work, that she is a single mother etc. etc. Nephew comes down the stairs. It’s ok Nephew she says, see what I mean about Aunty, she is horrible. They leave and Sister slams the door behind her.

Two weeks later. A text message: Is Nephew allowed to stay in his room at your house whilst I work?
I don’t mind Nephew staying at all. I cannot stand the way I am treated and spoken to by my sister. I realise that there is not much information here. I am exhausted with her behaviour. If I say anything negative I receive such vitriol back.

posted by charlen to Human Relations (17 answers total)

The fact that she waits in the car leads me to believe that it would be safe if you simply pretended you weren’t home.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:51 AM on December 7 [2 favorites]

Best answer: In this instance I'd prioritize the well being of the most vulnerable person here, which is the child. It's not fair to you and it's understandable you find it exhausting, and you have every right to avoid your sister otherwise, but I'd try to focus your attention on seeing this as an opportunity to get to know your nephew more.

One thing you might try is to tell your sister that it's in her best interest to give you a heads up, since presumably even if you're off work you sometimes go out for errands, socializing, hobbies, etc.
posted by coffeecat at 7:54 AM on December 7 [22 favorites]

That is a horrible way to be treated, I am so sorry. I would let the nephew in one more time, so you can explain to him why it's wrong for his mother to treat and speak to you this way. Let him know you love having him over, but you have to set a boundary with his mother that she can't treat people this way.

Some people may say it is wrong to drag the child into it, but it seems the mother has already done that, by degrading you in front of him. I think it would be a positive model for him if you refuse to accept this treatment.

I think you need to make it crystal clear to your sister that she needs to treat you like a human. You're not even asking for any consideration like money for his food, let alone for your time. You're not even asking her to be appreciative, just not to be an asshole. You may not be home and won't answer the door if she doesn't let you know ahead of time.

I don't know if this is helpful. I hope you do get some advice that is helpful.
posted by Glinn at 8:02 AM on December 7 [4 favorites]

What would she do if you weren't home? She is using guilt as a weapon here and you have asked her nicely not to do so. Tell your nephew to his face that you love him and that you deserve to have your time respected.

If it were me, I would give her a final notice that I need to be asked ahead of time and refuse to take him if that doesn't happen. So, offer to take him on the first Saturday of every month, for example, and then say that you need 48 hours of notice for any extra times. I have done plenty of free babysitting in my time, but that is based on a respectful relationship with the parents, too. The child is old enough to understand that or will in time. If she called me horrible in front of the kid and then asked for him to stay again later, I would ask if she still finds me horrible. But, I am snarky like that and especially so with my close family.

The kid is vulnerable, yes. But the kid is also learning about how to treat people and how not to be a bully. These are important lessons for someone being raised by a manipulative person.
posted by soelo at 8:02 AM on December 7 [7 favorites]

Best answer: How old is your nephew? 11?
I would personally stop telling her you want notice. She knows you do and chooses to ignore your (legitimate) request. Especially her (very bad) choice to say untrue and nasty things to him about you makes me think he is in need of an open door , literally and figuratively.
If you can, switch perspectives on this: do it first and foremost for him. Regardless of how his mother acts. he needs you i think, and what acceptance you can offer. She uses you and abuses you. Which is clearly wrong. Ignore her if you can. Focus on your nephew and if possible and true tell him when you are alone that he is always welcome.
posted by 15L06 at 8:07 AM on December 7 [11 favorites]

Best answer: What does your sister do for work and how often does this happen?

I wonder if the way to make this less awful for your nephew (who surely knows he is putting you in this weird position and is emotionally terrified), less manipulative of you, and well forget your sister it benefits her but she's not entitled to anything here when she's being a jerk...Might be to instead plan something with him if you can and take the time to build a relationship with him this way with the side-benefit of taking care of him while his mom works?

So of this is only like once a month and she actually knows ahead of time when it's going to be working, then call her from time to time and say something like "Hey, I'd really like to spend the day with Nephew and take him to the zoo/an arcade/etc. etc. Is there a Saturday coming up when you need to work when I could do that?" If you cannot for whatever reason go out to some place maybe there's an activity that you might want to do at home? For some reason I though I saw that the kid was 11, but then I couldn't find that. What activities would work would depend on the age of the kid.

Obviously it's more trouble for you than having him just sit in a room in your house, but you get some notice, you get to build a relationship, it's less emotionally manipulative of a poor kid who is not at fault, and if it's something that is within your abilities to do it. If it's really not about minding having the kid around, this could be a solution that makes it emotionally better for the two of you.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 8:08 AM on December 7 [5 favorites]

Best answer: How do you handle someone who is emotionally abusive and using their child as a pawn?

She's unstable. What do you do? You step in and help raise this poor little kid who didn't ask for any of this. You definitely don't talk to him about his mother's issues; you teach him how to show grace, love and kindness.

Just be there for him. You're not going to get anywhere with her and he's stuck with that as a mother. Try to see how much good you can do here.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 9:02 AM on December 7 [30 favorites]

She’s not going to ask. She might tell you, if you let her know he can stay with you. Or she might not. What happens if you decide she won’t ask and stop asking her to ask?
posted by bluedaisy at 9:11 AM on December 7

(Is 11 too young to stay home, half ass your chores, and play video games all day? Times have changed.)

You have two choices:

Not be at home when she's likely to show up. When she calls you in a rage, say "But I told you to call ahead of time" and repeat until she gets it. It's possible you'll come home to him sitting on your doorstep and that is a trickier problem; if you think that'll happen I'd do the other choice:

Call her in the window when you'd like her to call and arrange plans for the weekend. Either you won't be at home, sorry, or you'd be happy to see Nephew, how's 9 AM? Basically model what you want to see.
posted by blnkfrnk at 9:41 AM on December 7 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I recommend encouraging good behavior. With the most recent text, she listened to your need for a heads up. If you are able to host him for the weekend, I would text back “Thank you so much for checking in first. Yes, I am home this weekend and am happy to host him”

In two sentences, this 1. Reinforces and rewards good behavior and 2.introduces the possibility that there are weekends that you might not be available.
posted by donut_princess at 10:21 AM on December 7 [24 favorites]

Yeah, I’m a bit confused here— I doubt she is a Changed Woman but it sounds like she did actually start doing what you asked. (Unless this text was more of a blanket statement instead of a specific request. In which case you can repeat your boundary and clarify when she’d like him to stay.)
posted by stoneandstar at 10:45 AM on December 7 [1 favorite]

Maybe it's time for your nephew to have his own phone so he can make plans with you and can also talk with you and his grandmother and any other family members anytime. Maybe your sister would be ok with you giving him a phone for Xmas or whichever holiday you celebrate.
posted by mareli at 1:25 PM on December 7 [4 favorites]

Is 11 too young to hang out by yourself for a few hours? I’d give your nephew a key to your home and tell him to use it when he wants to come by, even if you aren’t around, and set up a way for him to get in contact with you when he gets there, maybe through a video doorbell or other smart home device, if a cell phone is off the table for him. First have a talk about house rules and expectations (clean up messes you make, ask for help, no using the stove or making any kind of fire, no other visitors, etc) and then trust him to do well. It sounds like he would appreciate whatever stability you can provide. Your sister might be using you as a scapegoat for her problems but kids are smart and can come to their own conclusions based on people’s actions.
posted by Mizu at 2:34 PM on December 7 [3 favorites]

Best answer: You're right to feel angered by this tactic. This is a situation in which concealing the truth of the matter is serving no one. You can tell your sister exactly what you wrote in your last few lines, perhaps expanded a bit to acknowledge the recent shift in her approach. Perhaps: sister, I love my nephew and you know I'm happy to have him here, so I tell you now that I won't allow you to treat me poorly and not be told that it is unacceptable. These are different things. Nephew is always welcome here, which you know. It would be more comfortable for all of us if you would put a stop to making me feel bad when I ask you to let me know in advance that you need my help. I will gladly give you that help, and thank you for the text message in advance this time.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:46 PM on December 7 [1 favorite]

NOT a headshrinker, and one can't diagnose over one post anyway.

IMHO, the problem here is your sister is a bully AND thinks the world owes her. Few if any people had ever refused her, so she's learned this way to behave in the world because she gets results. It's unlikely to be malicious, but extremely annoying to people who expect some courtesy / politeness / manners.

She'd probably have answer rehearsed in her head already.

"Can't you have at least the COURTESY to let me know when he's coming?" >> "You're family. Courtesy is for strangers." (or some crap like that)

The question basically is what do you do about this, with your nephew caught in the middle.

Does your family meet from time to time, or communicate via group chat? Does your sister get embarrassed at "dirty laundry" being aired? Like "this was the 5th time she dropped off nephew at my place without even a notice." or "She notified me 15 minutes before dropping off nephew at my place." "I have no problem watching nephew, but why she can't at least let me know he's coming?"

If she cares at all about her "reputation" she may get the hint that it's frowned upon after repeated reminder, or "tsk tsk" from family. But there's a possibility she'll simply shrug it off as she's getting results and don't care about reputation.

(I guess it also matters WHY she's taking time off on weekends)
posted by kschang at 7:43 PM on December 7

Best answer: You feel like you're being backed into a corner because that is, in fact, what's happening. You're being used and manipulated, and that feels bad and gross to most people.

Your sister has effectively identified that given the choice between a) feeling all of that and b) feeling guilty or worried about your nephew, you will opt for the former. She's exploiting it and will continue to. Even if you could somehow convince her to act right about this one thing, it wouldn't change who she is or make her respect you (it's worth asking how much of this question is really about that vs. a heads-up on childcare requests). You are right about what you're noticing, and you don't deserve vitriol for naming it.

It's also evident that your nephew is growing up in an emotionally abusive home. (Your sister's behavior towards you aside, "You don't even have to interact with him, you can just stick him in a crate room" is not a suggestion made by a healthy, loving parent.) When you're trapped in a place like that a stable, caring adult can be a lifeline. If you're able to be that person for him, I think you accept that your sister's bullshit is the price of providing him some measure of safety and sanity. You can take the hit of absorbing her bad behavior and find a way to process how bad that makes you feel, knowing that the stakes here are high and that you're making a conscious decision to do this because it's worth it to you to protect this kid. I'm sorry you and your nephew are in this situation; all the best to you both.
posted by wormtales at 6:38 AM on December 8 [4 favorites]

Help your nephew to become independent, and give him the authority to manage his relationship with you.

Think of it like a quasi-divorced parent situation - you really don't want to have a relationship with the parent, but you want to be there for the child.

Consider pre-filling a diary with your schedule in it and giving it to your nephew, and put specific dates in for him to come and visit. Make and keep a copy, as you may be surprised how quickly your sister will "lose" it.

If there is reasonable public transport, teach your nephew how to use it. We only have buses, but it was a lot of fun teaching my children how to use the maps, etc. and riding out to different locations.
posted by Barbara Spitzer at 7:36 PM on December 9