How to entertain someone who's health is failing?
December 2, 2024 2:07 PM Subscribe
I'm spending 5 days with my dad over Xmas. He has two knee replacements (one of which is defective) and major heart troubles, so he can't do much. What can we do together with all that time?
We will be in Edmonton, Alberta, where it's very cold at this time of year. Some things you should know about my dad:
He likes games, but they can't be too cerebral or he gets frustrated. He's a smart man, but he dropped out of school in grade 6, so his reading and spelling is an issue. So no Scrabble and the likes :(
Much to my chagrin, he doesn't like jigsaw puzzles.
He can't walk very far or his heart and knees start to hurt.
He likes to try new foods.
He has hearing problems and can't be in loud places or he starts to get super testy.
He is not good at coming up with things for us to do, mostly because before his health started declining, he spent a lot of time biking and hiking and walking, which he can't do now.
I'm worried about having to fill so much time together with nothing to distract us. If you have any ideas, I would be most grateful!
We will be in Edmonton, Alberta, where it's very cold at this time of year. Some things you should know about my dad:
He likes games, but they can't be too cerebral or he gets frustrated. He's a smart man, but he dropped out of school in grade 6, so his reading and spelling is an issue. So no Scrabble and the likes :(
Much to my chagrin, he doesn't like jigsaw puzzles.
He can't walk very far or his heart and knees start to hurt.
He likes to try new foods.
He has hearing problems and can't be in loud places or he starts to get super testy.
He is not good at coming up with things for us to do, mostly because before his health started declining, he spent a lot of time biking and hiking and walking, which he can't do now.
I'm worried about having to fill so much time together with nothing to distract us. If you have any ideas, I would be most grateful!
Gin rummy is a classic. You can keep score if the competition would be enjoyable.
Cribbage is another classic, although it requires a small board as well as a deck of cards. If he is still mentally agile, it could be fun and one that you can play over and over. If he is not good at learning new things or if doing simple arithmetic in his head is hard than it wouldn't work.
posted by metahawk at 2:29 PM on December 2, 2024 [4 favorites]
Cribbage is another classic, although it requires a small board as well as a deck of cards. If he is still mentally agile, it could be fun and one that you can play over and over. If he is not good at learning new things or if doing simple arithmetic in his head is hard than it wouldn't work.
posted by metahawk at 2:29 PM on December 2, 2024 [4 favorites]
Construct at gingerbread house together? You could make/acquire all the stuff, or purchase a kit.
posted by BlahLaLa at 2:31 PM on December 2, 2024 [2 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 2:31 PM on December 2, 2024 [2 favorites]
Can you take him for a scenic drive or 2? Does he like tv at all; make a list of what shows he likes, do a new ask for recommendations.
posted by theora55 at 2:47 PM on December 2, 2024 [4 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 2:47 PM on December 2, 2024 [4 favorites]
Would he appreciate being read to? I've always enjoyed this as a low-stakes sort of intimate thing to do with someone.
posted by Alensin at 2:48 PM on December 2, 2024 [3 favorites]
posted by Alensin at 2:48 PM on December 2, 2024 [3 favorites]
Does he have any old photos or slides or an old yearbook that you could go through together? He might enjoy reminiscing and you might learn some things about his life or your family's history that you didn't already know. If there are unlabeled photos, you could work on labeling them or putting them into scrapbooks.
posted by Redstart at 2:50 PM on December 2, 2024 [10 favorites]
posted by Redstart at 2:50 PM on December 2, 2024 [10 favorites]
Dice games can be fun and not-cerebral. All you need is enough dice for everyone, and you can google the rules to lots of simple dice games.
Tenzi is super simple, and we've found Farkle really good for both switched on and struggling mentally people. (You just have to help a bit but the fun is in the gamble.)
posted by freethefeet at 2:53 PM on December 2, 2024 [2 favorites]
Tenzi is super simple, and we've found Farkle really good for both switched on and struggling mentally people. (You just have to help a bit but the fun is in the gamble.)
posted by freethefeet at 2:53 PM on December 2, 2024 [2 favorites]
Putter around together, talk, make hot drinks, if you’re lucky enough to have a fireplace, make a fire, look at family pictures and reminisce (maybe do video chats with other family members?), listen to the radio, sing songs, ask for his help with dinner prep that doesn’t require a lot of mobility if he’s interested (like ask him to peel some apples and make a pie together, or make brownies, who doesn’t like those). Watch classic sports events (maybe hockey? Boxing?) and movies.
Hopefully he can get some help with better hearing aids and his poor knee? Maybe make a few calls if he’s open to that
posted by cotton dress sock at 3:23 PM on December 2, 2024 [2 favorites]
Hopefully he can get some help with better hearing aids and his poor knee? Maybe make a few calls if he’s open to that
posted by cotton dress sock at 3:23 PM on December 2, 2024 [2 favorites]
Would going to the movies be too loud?
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 3:24 PM on December 2, 2024
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 3:24 PM on December 2, 2024
Games!
(I am a gamer though, so...)
I would suggest Carcassonne, as you can point out the options available, and Ingenious, as it is kind of like Dominoes, which most older people have played.
And yes, Gin Rummy, Cribbage, Casino, all good card games.
The old photos rec is also awesome...
posted by Windopaene at 3:28 PM on December 2, 2024
(I am a gamer though, so...)
I would suggest Carcassonne, as you can point out the options available, and Ingenious, as it is kind of like Dominoes, which most older people have played.
And yes, Gin Rummy, Cribbage, Casino, all good card games.
The old photos rec is also awesome...
posted by Windopaene at 3:28 PM on December 2, 2024
What are his interests? There are plenty of modern board games that are fun to play, and very few involve spelling.
Ticket to Ride - building train lines
Settlers of Catan
Betrayal at House on the Hill - you're in a horror movie kinda
posted by Elysum at 3:30 PM on December 2, 2024
Ticket to Ride - building train lines
Settlers of Catan
Betrayal at House on the Hill - you're in a horror movie kinda
posted by Elysum at 3:30 PM on December 2, 2024
You could get snacks and/or candies from around the world and have a tasting event.
If you'll have a screen or an iPad available, you could put together a playlist of YouTube videos and show him stuff that interests you. Or funny animals. Or really interesting long videos showing woodcarving or glass blowing or that sort, or custom cars? If there are things you might both like, find some videos ahead of time.
As an example, Jeremy Clarkson (not the most pleasant individual), Rolling a Reliant Robin is pretty hilarious.
Uno might be a good card game for him.
Some kind of model building? Or learn how to tie some fishing knots?
posted by Glinn at 4:18 PM on December 2, 2024 [1 favorite]
If you'll have a screen or an iPad available, you could put together a playlist of YouTube videos and show him stuff that interests you. Or funny animals. Or really interesting long videos showing woodcarving or glass blowing or that sort, or custom cars? If there are things you might both like, find some videos ahead of time.
As an example, Jeremy Clarkson (not the most pleasant individual), Rolling a Reliant Robin is pretty hilarious.
Uno might be a good card game for him.
Some kind of model building? Or learn how to tie some fishing knots?
posted by Glinn at 4:18 PM on December 2, 2024 [1 favorite]
Yeah, the classic card games are good. I also like the idea about a scenic drive.
Since he likes new foods, I'd plan some meals out, and maybe some meals in that are elaborate to prepare you could do together, like dumplings or ravioli - a bit part of which can be done sitting.
Museums often have wheelchairs on hand - after my dad's hip replacement, we'd always ask for one so he could alternate being standing and sitting.
posted by coffeecat at 4:19 PM on December 2, 2024 [1 favorite]
Since he likes new foods, I'd plan some meals out, and maybe some meals in that are elaborate to prepare you could do together, like dumplings or ravioli - a bit part of which can be done sitting.
Museums often have wheelchairs on hand - after my dad's hip replacement, we'd always ask for one so he could alternate being standing and sitting.
posted by coffeecat at 4:19 PM on December 2, 2024 [1 favorite]
If he’s amenable, Instead of mindless TV put a bunch of slow TV(train rides through countrysides etc) on and have that as background visuals.
I’d try a food experiment a day, or different food theme days. My parents love fancy/different foods, but are afraid of “ordering wrong” from Hmart or Asian grocery. They genuinely love it when we show up with flavors they aren’t used too, and we can spend a whole evening doing a Reading about the food flavors, then trying to cook the dish, tasting and then discussing what worked/didnt. We’ve also then successfully paired regional cooking shows during the day. (Like watching Chinese cooking shows in the afternoon, tasting 4 different varieties of dumplings (made from frozen) and trying to make up a bunch of dipping sauces. They would never do it alone (the potential for food waste!) but with a few more people around it works. (I and my mom are decent cooks, so YMMV, but you should be able to replicate something similar with a frozen burrito tasting, or a pasta sauce experiment day). We also got lots of stories about food and family; the first time someone in my family bought a full butchered chicken and had to call a neighbor to show them how to cook it (they had never had so much meat! They didn’t know how to roast it!), or a coworker who made stir fries over a Bunsen burner at work. Food unlocks stories and memories.
Good luck and remember you can take breaks from each other, you should definitely make sure you take time for yourself to recharge.
posted by larthegreat at 4:54 PM on December 2, 2024 [3 favorites]
I’d try a food experiment a day, or different food theme days. My parents love fancy/different foods, but are afraid of “ordering wrong” from Hmart or Asian grocery. They genuinely love it when we show up with flavors they aren’t used too, and we can spend a whole evening doing a Reading about the food flavors, then trying to cook the dish, tasting and then discussing what worked/didnt. We’ve also then successfully paired regional cooking shows during the day. (Like watching Chinese cooking shows in the afternoon, tasting 4 different varieties of dumplings (made from frozen) and trying to make up a bunch of dipping sauces. They would never do it alone (the potential for food waste!) but with a few more people around it works. (I and my mom are decent cooks, so YMMV, but you should be able to replicate something similar with a frozen burrito tasting, or a pasta sauce experiment day). We also got lots of stories about food and family; the first time someone in my family bought a full butchered chicken and had to call a neighbor to show them how to cook it (they had never had so much meat! They didn’t know how to roast it!), or a coworker who made stir fries over a Bunsen burner at work. Food unlocks stories and memories.
Good luck and remember you can take breaks from each other, you should definitely make sure you take time for yourself to recharge.
posted by larthegreat at 4:54 PM on December 2, 2024 [3 favorites]
Here is how I schedule days like this, roughly:
9 a.m.: Have a leisurely breakfast/coffee together (could put on a tv or radio morning show during this time, if that would be fun to chat about)
10 a.m.: Quiet time (maybe reading or browsing the internet in the same room, or hanging out separately)
12 p.m.: Make and share an easy lunch
1 p.m.: After lunch, an activity: play a game (Uno, rummy, Yahtzee, even a nostalgic childhood board game); look through family pictures/videos; go for a scenic drive (holiday decorations, nature); go out for a fancy coffee or hot cocoa; video call a relative
4 p.m.: Quiet time
5:30 p.m.: Dinner: go out to eat, order in, or make something more ambitious, depending on the night
7 p.m.: After dinner, a couple episodes of TV or a movie or a sporting event (could go out to the movie, if he'd enjoy that), or one of the activities listed above (maybe a neighborhood with good holiday lights?)
8-9 p.m.: Quiet alone time, go to bed
posted by goodbyewaffles at 6:06 PM on December 2, 2024 [2 favorites]
9 a.m.: Have a leisurely breakfast/coffee together (could put on a tv or radio morning show during this time, if that would be fun to chat about)
10 a.m.: Quiet time (maybe reading or browsing the internet in the same room, or hanging out separately)
12 p.m.: Make and share an easy lunch
1 p.m.: After lunch, an activity: play a game (Uno, rummy, Yahtzee, even a nostalgic childhood board game); look through family pictures/videos; go for a scenic drive (holiday decorations, nature); go out for a fancy coffee or hot cocoa; video call a relative
4 p.m.: Quiet time
5:30 p.m.: Dinner: go out to eat, order in, or make something more ambitious, depending on the night
7 p.m.: After dinner, a couple episodes of TV or a movie or a sporting event (could go out to the movie, if he'd enjoy that), or one of the activities listed above (maybe a neighborhood with good holiday lights?)
8-9 p.m.: Quiet alone time, go to bed
posted by goodbyewaffles at 6:06 PM on December 2, 2024 [2 favorites]
I'd try and get him talking about himself and things he knows as much as possible by asking leading questions. Your Dad will be gone soon, and he knows things that you don't know, about your common past. So get him to talk about your childhood and his experiences with fatherhood (if the subject is not fraught) and you might find out somethings that really surprise you. And get him to talk about his own childhood, his parents and family and grandparents, and who they were were and what they were like. And then get him to talk about his life as a young man, late teens, how he launched, what he did. Be prepared to look things up on the internet, especially visuals and sounds. Find out what his favourite candy was, and search for an image of that, and ask what he ate for breakfast. Find out what his favourite music was, and what song he hated hearing in public places because it was either played too much or was the other group's music (maybe it was old fogey music to him?)
Start with general questions such as "Where did you go to elementary school?" and move on to ones that will tax his memory more "What was the building like?" and "Who was your least favourite teacher?" and "What subjects did you like?" and "Did you get into fights?" and "Was there a separate entrance for boys and girls?" - and while he talks, see if you can come up with some visuals of the school or the neighbourhood by searching things he mentions. You might not be able to find a picture of the pool hall where he hung out, but you can likely find a picture of a pool hall taken during the same year, and he can tell you why it was different.
He may not remember anything from his childhood to speak of. Often people don't when they haven't thought about it ever for forty years, so look for the parts of his past he looks back at happily that he does remember. Maybe he remembers being a successful manager in the decade before he retired. In that case quiz him about that, what he enjoyed, what makes him proud, who he worked with.
If he likes cars, get him to tell you about the cars that he owned and look up pictures. A 1972 turquoise Buick Skylark? There is going to be a picture of one on the internet. When you show him, that may trigger him into laughing and talking about a memory of pumping gas in the winter. A 1978 Aspen? Find a picture and see if that triggers any memories or thoughts.
The chances are it has been a long, long time since he got to talk to people about these trivial personal things that were important to him. If you can find stuff that interests him you will both have a good time. Did he used to date? Did he perform military service? When he lived at home did he pay rent? How did he pay for his post secondary education...? Try anything and see if he picks up on it and runs with it.
See if you can get him to rage about the failures of the sports team he used to follow, or explain which were the best players and why.
I'd keep it light, rather than anything that sounds like a solemn attempt to get material for his obituary and eulogy. Talk about what he ate for breakfast and if he wore overshoes in the winter, as opposed to getting the important biographical stuff. The idea is to aim for the kind of conversation he could have if he was reunited with one of his old friends from adolescence. "Do you remember June? Oh my God, her hair! She'd back combed it and teased it until it was five inches tall!"
Instead of having shared memories, use the internet to carry your half of the conversation, searching for the things that were important to him. He probably hasn't seen a picture of Jim Brown who won the 1964 NFL Championship for over half a century. If he followed that game, a photograph of Jim Brown taken at that time will bring him right back. Or maybe you can listen to Brenda Lee's best song together and you'll see him drop right back into the music and his memories of the vocalist he once was crushing on.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:37 PM on December 2, 2024 [6 favorites]
Start with general questions such as "Where did you go to elementary school?" and move on to ones that will tax his memory more "What was the building like?" and "Who was your least favourite teacher?" and "What subjects did you like?" and "Did you get into fights?" and "Was there a separate entrance for boys and girls?" - and while he talks, see if you can come up with some visuals of the school or the neighbourhood by searching things he mentions. You might not be able to find a picture of the pool hall where he hung out, but you can likely find a picture of a pool hall taken during the same year, and he can tell you why it was different.
He may not remember anything from his childhood to speak of. Often people don't when they haven't thought about it ever for forty years, so look for the parts of his past he looks back at happily that he does remember. Maybe he remembers being a successful manager in the decade before he retired. In that case quiz him about that, what he enjoyed, what makes him proud, who he worked with.
If he likes cars, get him to tell you about the cars that he owned and look up pictures. A 1972 turquoise Buick Skylark? There is going to be a picture of one on the internet. When you show him, that may trigger him into laughing and talking about a memory of pumping gas in the winter. A 1978 Aspen? Find a picture and see if that triggers any memories or thoughts.
The chances are it has been a long, long time since he got to talk to people about these trivial personal things that were important to him. If you can find stuff that interests him you will both have a good time. Did he used to date? Did he perform military service? When he lived at home did he pay rent? How did he pay for his post secondary education...? Try anything and see if he picks up on it and runs with it.
See if you can get him to rage about the failures of the sports team he used to follow, or explain which were the best players and why.
I'd keep it light, rather than anything that sounds like a solemn attempt to get material for his obituary and eulogy. Talk about what he ate for breakfast and if he wore overshoes in the winter, as opposed to getting the important biographical stuff. The idea is to aim for the kind of conversation he could have if he was reunited with one of his old friends from adolescence. "Do you remember June? Oh my God, her hair! She'd back combed it and teased it until it was five inches tall!"
Instead of having shared memories, use the internet to carry your half of the conversation, searching for the things that were important to him. He probably hasn't seen a picture of Jim Brown who won the 1964 NFL Championship for over half a century. If he followed that game, a photograph of Jim Brown taken at that time will bring him right back. Or maybe you can listen to Brenda Lee's best song together and you'll see him drop right back into the music and his memories of the vocalist he once was crushing on.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:37 PM on December 2, 2024 [6 favorites]
What did he like about the hiking? If he's interested in nature, maybe transition to birdwatching? Put a feeder up ahead of time, learn to identify different birds together. Get them a variety of treats. If it's cold, this would be very good for the birds, too. If you have no outdoor space, get a window feeder.
Also, how about a ferry ride on the river? Minimal walking for maximum sightseeing. Warm, if you stay below the deck.
If you can spend some money, order a package of gourmet snacks/dips and get a bit adventurous. I did this for a foodie recently. Fancy mango mustard, very melty honey/coffee chocolates, roasted rosemary cashews, blueberry chutney, parmesan spread, etc. Went over very well.
For games, Azul is beautiful and fun, smart but (I think) free of reading. Cathedral is good, too, and you need only spatial awareness to win.
It's also fine to watch TV together. You can't spend five days in deep conversation. Maybe pick something light that you can talk through, if you like? Old movies are good. Bake-Off and Taskmaster are fun, too.
posted by toucan at 6:39 PM on December 2, 2024 [1 favorite]
Also, how about a ferry ride on the river? Minimal walking for maximum sightseeing. Warm, if you stay below the deck.
If you can spend some money, order a package of gourmet snacks/dips and get a bit adventurous. I did this for a foodie recently. Fancy mango mustard, very melty honey/coffee chocolates, roasted rosemary cashews, blueberry chutney, parmesan spread, etc. Went over very well.
For games, Azul is beautiful and fun, smart but (I think) free of reading. Cathedral is good, too, and you need only spatial awareness to win.
It's also fine to watch TV together. You can't spend five days in deep conversation. Maybe pick something light that you can talk through, if you like? Old movies are good. Bake-Off and Taskmaster are fun, too.
posted by toucan at 6:39 PM on December 2, 2024 [1 favorite]
The old dice game Yahtzee is our go to for entertaining a group that ranges between 10 and 85 years old. It’s super lively and often silly.
posted by umbú at 6:32 AM on December 3, 2024 [1 favorite]
posted by umbú at 6:32 AM on December 3, 2024 [1 favorite]
What about videogames? Something like Peggle or Mahjong might be just the thing.
posted by jquinby at 7:48 AM on December 3, 2024
posted by jquinby at 7:48 AM on December 3, 2024
My grandparents got really into "The Great Courses" when they were older and less able to get around. Is there a topic that you both share an interest in that you could watch a series of lectures on?
Could you spend this time setting him up with some new technology that he can learn to use while you're there? Possible things to try depending on his skills and interests -- a tablet for drawing/internet/watching movies with streaming apps, a wildlife camera/bird buddy set up in the yard and feeding to his computer/tablet/phone, an e-reader and access to books through the library, etc. I find that my mom is interested in using new technology but she needs help figuring it out for the first few days, so it's something that we can do together.
Paint by numbers kits are good activities that can be done quietly together as long as his vision is still in pretty good shape to see the little numbers.
posted by luzdeluna at 8:45 AM on December 3, 2024 [1 favorite]
Could you spend this time setting him up with some new technology that he can learn to use while you're there? Possible things to try depending on his skills and interests -- a tablet for drawing/internet/watching movies with streaming apps, a wildlife camera/bird buddy set up in the yard and feeding to his computer/tablet/phone, an e-reader and access to books through the library, etc. I find that my mom is interested in using new technology but she needs help figuring it out for the first few days, so it's something that we can do together.
Paint by numbers kits are good activities that can be done quietly together as long as his vision is still in pretty good shape to see the little numbers.
posted by luzdeluna at 8:45 AM on December 3, 2024 [1 favorite]
Do you like to cook? I have filled some pleasant afternoons with people who aren't very mobile by cooking something fairly fancy/time-consuming while they sat at the kitchen table, watching and chatting. Bring a few of your best recipes, or try something new as an adventure. Bonus points if your dad can help with a few tasks while seated at the table, like peeling some vegetables, grating some cheese, etc. There's lots of time to talk while you work, it feels cozy and homey, and hopefully you have something delicious to enjoy together when you're done.
posted by Quietgal at 8:17 PM on December 3, 2024 [2 favorites]
posted by Quietgal at 8:17 PM on December 3, 2024 [2 favorites]
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https://elizabeth-keating.com/books/the-essential-questions/
by an anthropologist. Highly recommend.
posted by congen at 2:26 PM on December 2, 2024 [13 favorites]