Coming out as autistic to a neurodivergence denying parent
November 24, 2024 1:55 PM Subscribe
I think the least bad option may be to come out as autistic to a parent. I'm not looking forward to it - I wondered if anyone had any tips, advice or strategies for this?
Me - female, only child, middle aged very late diagnosed with autism and ADHD, labelled as 'gifted' as a child - academic high performer so nobody believes I have disabilities but I do. Live in UK
Parent - late 70s, declining health, refused completely to believe me when I was diagnosed with ADHD. Can be very critical/ say terrible things.
Problem - I have severe anxiety with parent. Visiting them is very stressful for me - I fear having meltdowns and can have them even if I take an ally with me. I mask heavily to meet parental expectations which is hard. Parent lives away from public transport/ fast access to cabs. I don't drive. If I get trapped with parent and get overwhelmed and have a meltdown I have no escape route, no safe space. Scary.
I phone every week which I find safer and better able to cope with but they won't accept that and want in person visits. They can't understand that visiting is very stressful and difficult for me. I had a major burnout last year which I had to hide from them so I've been very low on spoons for dealing with this - Christmas has triggered them into trying to force the issue of more visits.
I'm considering coming out to them about being autistic with the help of a supportive ally who knows them well who's offered to mediate on neutral ground somewhere so parent is limited about going off at me in public, and I can temporarily walk away if needed. I'm hoping parent can understand that I'm autistic, I cant easily do what they want and do need accomodations to visit.
Has anyone been in a similar situation and has any tips or advice? Do you think telling her I'm autistic and asking for accomodations/ understanding is worth a shot? Or will it just make things worse? Visits affect my mental health and ability to have the resources to cope with other things but telling the truth that they're very hard is received as extremely hurtful. Time is running out as unhappy parent ages. I don't know what to do - is this worth trying?
Me - female, only child, middle aged very late diagnosed with autism and ADHD, labelled as 'gifted' as a child - academic high performer so nobody believes I have disabilities but I do. Live in UK
Parent - late 70s, declining health, refused completely to believe me when I was diagnosed with ADHD. Can be very critical/ say terrible things.
Problem - I have severe anxiety with parent. Visiting them is very stressful for me - I fear having meltdowns and can have them even if I take an ally with me. I mask heavily to meet parental expectations which is hard. Parent lives away from public transport/ fast access to cabs. I don't drive. If I get trapped with parent and get overwhelmed and have a meltdown I have no escape route, no safe space. Scary.
I phone every week which I find safer and better able to cope with but they won't accept that and want in person visits. They can't understand that visiting is very stressful and difficult for me. I had a major burnout last year which I had to hide from them so I've been very low on spoons for dealing with this - Christmas has triggered them into trying to force the issue of more visits.
I'm considering coming out to them about being autistic with the help of a supportive ally who knows them well who's offered to mediate on neutral ground somewhere so parent is limited about going off at me in public, and I can temporarily walk away if needed. I'm hoping parent can understand that I'm autistic, I cant easily do what they want and do need accomodations to visit.
Has anyone been in a similar situation and has any tips or advice? Do you think telling her I'm autistic and asking for accomodations/ understanding is worth a shot? Or will it just make things worse? Visits affect my mental health and ability to have the resources to cope with other things but telling the truth that they're very hard is received as extremely hurtful. Time is running out as unhappy parent ages. I don't know what to do - is this worth trying?
It sounds like this is important for you to do and it's great that you have an ally.
Others will have better suggestions, but one thing you could do to prepare is think of the possible responses from her and think of what your response/action will be, both in the moment and in the future. And maybe prepare a little bit of what you would say in the moment.
Plan your short statement of, "I'm autistic, have been diagnosed as such and I realize that is true because . . ."
If she doesn't believe you, explaining your behavior or asking for accomodations might just be futile. You could say, "In the future, what works for me in communication/visits is . . ." and not engage in arguements.
But from what you shared, all you might be able to achieve is,
"I'm autistic."
Parent: "No you aren't."
"OK."
And you don't further stress yourself by arguing.
(Sending good thoughts for you.)
posted by ITravelMontana at 2:22 PM on November 24, 2024 [8 favorites]
Others will have better suggestions, but one thing you could do to prepare is think of the possible responses from her and think of what your response/action will be, both in the moment and in the future. And maybe prepare a little bit of what you would say in the moment.
Plan your short statement of, "I'm autistic, have been diagnosed as such and I realize that is true because . . ."
If she doesn't believe you, explaining your behavior or asking for accomodations might just be futile. You could say, "In the future, what works for me in communication/visits is . . ." and not engage in arguements.
But from what you shared, all you might be able to achieve is,
"I'm autistic."
Parent: "No you aren't."
"OK."
And you don't further stress yourself by arguing.
(Sending good thoughts for you.)
posted by ITravelMontana at 2:22 PM on November 24, 2024 [8 favorites]
They can't understand that visiting is very stressful and difficult for me
If you are hoping that coming out to them will change things, I think this indicates the answer is no. I don’t need a reason my kids are stressed or upset to want to make it better.
So if you want to come out so that you say it, so that you have told your truth - go for it!! If you want your parent to behave differently - I don’t think this will do it and it may hurt worse because they won’t hear this additional truth.
I also highly recommend the hotel option.
posted by warriorqueen at 2:22 PM on November 24, 2024 [70 favorites]
If you are hoping that coming out to them will change things, I think this indicates the answer is no. I don’t need a reason my kids are stressed or upset to want to make it better.
So if you want to come out so that you say it, so that you have told your truth - go for it!! If you want your parent to behave differently - I don’t think this will do it and it may hurt worse because they won’t hear this additional truth.
I also highly recommend the hotel option.
posted by warriorqueen at 2:22 PM on November 24, 2024 [70 favorites]
Something that I see recommended in a workplace context, is to try asking for the specific accommodations you need, without disclosing that you're autistic or that you're thinking of it as a disability accommodation. Then you can completely sidestep anyone's beliefs about whether autism exists, whether people without learning disabilities can be autistic, whether you personally are autistic, etc etc.
I definitely suggest not getting in an argument about it. You can literally say "I'm not interested in having an argument about this." and then not join in the argument, and just not go to visit if you don't want to.
posted by quacks like a duck at 2:37 PM on November 24, 2024 [27 favorites]
I definitely suggest not getting in an argument about it. You can literally say "I'm not interested in having an argument about this." and then not join in the argument, and just not go to visit if you don't want to.
posted by quacks like a duck at 2:37 PM on November 24, 2024 [27 favorites]
Sorry to be negative but I’m on team Don’t Go There. No matter how much you need to do a thing - sometimes it’s only going to make it all worse.
You can grieve, though. Grieve righteously for the lack of a nurturing parental relationship that could have supported you in your becoming who you are.
Having grieved - acknowledge the loss & move on. She can’t give you what you need, because she doesn’t have it.
posted by Puppy McSock at 3:17 PM on November 24, 2024 [32 favorites]
You can grieve, though. Grieve righteously for the lack of a nurturing parental relationship that could have supported you in your becoming who you are.
Having grieved - acknowledge the loss & move on. She can’t give you what you need, because she doesn’t have it.
posted by Puppy McSock at 3:17 PM on November 24, 2024 [32 favorites]
A couple long shots:
#1- dovetailing on quacks like a duck's answer, perhaps the physician could write a "To whom it may concern" letter stating you have such and such a level of autism and how it exhibits and useful accommodations, or
#2- I technically have epilepsy, it manifested itself when I was in grade school, luckily went away before college and I am 71 now, no seizures in last 30 years. I would be annoyed (to say the least) if someone did not believe me (what could I stand to gain?) I am also red-green color deficient like 12 percent of males, but how do I prove it to you. This point #2 boils down to: at some point you will just need to stop "wasting your breath" (as my mother used to say God bless her). Plus follow other advice above about minimizing the conflict, stress and Catch-22s with your parents.
posted by forthright at 3:17 PM on November 24, 2024 [1 favorite]
#1- dovetailing on quacks like a duck's answer, perhaps the physician could write a "To whom it may concern" letter stating you have such and such a level of autism and how it exhibits and useful accommodations, or
#2- I technically have epilepsy, it manifested itself when I was in grade school, luckily went away before college and I am 71 now, no seizures in last 30 years. I would be annoyed (to say the least) if someone did not believe me (what could I stand to gain?) I am also red-green color deficient like 12 percent of males, but how do I prove it to you. This point #2 boils down to: at some point you will just need to stop "wasting your breath" (as my mother used to say God bless her). Plus follow other advice above about minimizing the conflict, stress and Catch-22s with your parents.
posted by forthright at 3:17 PM on November 24, 2024 [1 favorite]
I don't know how you feel about this but maybe it would help to go out of your way to say that "today they call it autism, but it's what used to be called Asperger's" (assuming you are with that statement). It's only recently that the word "autistic" started meaning something much broader than 'severely disabled, unable to act "normal"'. Given that your parent is both older and has not been open to learning about neuro issues up till now, that might be a sticking point for them.
Are they likely to have concerns like "what will my friends think" or "will my kid be able to get along when I'm gone if they have this scary condition"? Are they likely to feel rejected, like "my kid is telling me this whole ridiculous story as an excuse but really they just don't want to be around me", or "they say it's difficult to be around me. Me! Difficult! My own child!"? Stuff like that could use some gaming through if you think it's likely.
Can you think of any concrete asks for them, like "if we do X and Y during visits, I'll be able to last longer and we can have a closer time together?" Are there alternatives you can come up with for visits at their home, like meeting up somewhere for some activity, or having more frequent but shorter visits? (Hotels are also a good strategy.)
You might want to frame this as much as possible in the context of your larger life, and also frame it as something your parent can help you with - in both cases there's a chance that might help with the rejection angle. Like "I've always had trouble with X and Y and as I got older I started to realize it was really making life harder in a lot of ways and I couldn't understand what the reason was. [Examples from things not related to your parent.] I thought it might be Z, or Q, but nothing I tried helped. Finally I was diagnosed by a doctor [if you can go on here about the doctor's credentials or whatever that might be helpful, at least for some types of parent] and ever since then, part of the "treatment" has been to [do the concrete mitigation things that you want to be doing wrt your parent in the future]. It has helped a lot. I know it's not what we're used to, but do you think we could try it together?"
Maybe also bring them some reading material, like a "Your Adult Child Has Autism! What You Should Know"-type book. (I made up this title, if you want to go this way it might be worth another Ask for recommendations.) Even if they're not receptive right away, they might wind up taking a look at a book sitting around, and come to you with questions.
Make it clear you expect they'll have questions for a long time, and that you'll be happy to answer them. And how much it means to you that you can come to them with this, etc. etc.
IF you feel that all that is a super long shot, there's always the approach of coming down with some unspecified thyroid or hormone or rheumatological issue that means you still love them but you gotta take frequent breaks to rest while you visit... (Not the greatest approach, but sometimes framing things in terms people are more open to can help get the accommodations you need.)
posted by trig at 3:24 PM on November 24, 2024 [5 favorites]
Are they likely to have concerns like "what will my friends think" or "will my kid be able to get along when I'm gone if they have this scary condition"? Are they likely to feel rejected, like "my kid is telling me this whole ridiculous story as an excuse but really they just don't want to be around me", or "they say it's difficult to be around me. Me! Difficult! My own child!"? Stuff like that could use some gaming through if you think it's likely.
Can you think of any concrete asks for them, like "if we do X and Y during visits, I'll be able to last longer and we can have a closer time together?" Are there alternatives you can come up with for visits at their home, like meeting up somewhere for some activity, or having more frequent but shorter visits? (Hotels are also a good strategy.)
You might want to frame this as much as possible in the context of your larger life, and also frame it as something your parent can help you with - in both cases there's a chance that might help with the rejection angle. Like "I've always had trouble with X and Y and as I got older I started to realize it was really making life harder in a lot of ways and I couldn't understand what the reason was. [Examples from things not related to your parent.] I thought it might be Z, or Q, but nothing I tried helped. Finally I was diagnosed by a doctor [if you can go on here about the doctor's credentials or whatever that might be helpful, at least for some types of parent] and ever since then, part of the "treatment" has been to [do the concrete mitigation things that you want to be doing wrt your parent in the future]. It has helped a lot. I know it's not what we're used to, but do you think we could try it together?"
Maybe also bring them some reading material, like a "Your Adult Child Has Autism! What You Should Know"-type book. (I made up this title, if you want to go this way it might be worth another Ask for recommendations.) Even if they're not receptive right away, they might wind up taking a look at a book sitting around, and come to you with questions.
Make it clear you expect they'll have questions for a long time, and that you'll be happy to answer them. And how much it means to you that you can come to them with this, etc. etc.
IF you feel that all that is a super long shot, there's always the approach of coming down with some unspecified thyroid or hormone or rheumatological issue that means you still love them but you gotta take frequent breaks to rest while you visit... (Not the greatest approach, but sometimes framing things in terms people are more open to can help get the accommodations you need.)
posted by trig at 3:24 PM on November 24, 2024 [5 favorites]
I do some mentoring of people in this situation and I cannot strongly enough encourage you to have a very, very honest conversation with yourself about how this is going to go and what you think you're going to get from it. What you think will be accomplished.
Telling them a word is not going to fix anything. They aren't going to go "OH, okay, I'll never upset you again, I'm so sorry, let me re-live our entire lifetime relationship the right way now!!!"
That is usually what is hidden in the heart of people who choose this confrontation. Who want to believe that the entire problem is just a tiny misunderstanding and if you just explain it exactly perfectly, they will stop abusing you.
They will not.
And this kills people. Literally kills people, when they've convinced themselves that the other person has the capacity - mentally, emotionally, intellectually, philosophically - to love them authentically and they find out in a very difficult confrontation that the person does not have that capacity.
If it is really important to you on a spiritual or philosophical level that you tell them this thing and you are TOTALLY FINE with it being the last conversation you ever have with them, a conversation that is deeply traumatic to you, and you are willing to carry that burden going forward, okay. Do it if you are sure you truly are prepared for that.
This is not coming out, I am uncomfortable anyway with using this phrasing because it belongs to something specific, but also when you tell a parent "I have a lifelong neurodevelopmental disorder that you failed as a parent to acknowledge and support your child appropriately, so you are pretty objectively a bad parent even if I'm not personally willing to say that" they don't do very well because, see above, they've been choosing not to all along. They knew. They denied your initial diagnosis. They chose to harm you. This is not a misunderstanding.
So decide what you want out of this before you do it.
Otherwise, you just decide your boundaries and defend them with minimal explanations so that there can be limited debate. "I'm sorry, my health prevents traveling to see you. I like talking to you on the phone, though." Your health, in this case, is not having to deal with having the barn roof ripped off your trauma.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:41 PM on November 24, 2024 [61 favorites]
Telling them a word is not going to fix anything. They aren't going to go "OH, okay, I'll never upset you again, I'm so sorry, let me re-live our entire lifetime relationship the right way now!!!"
That is usually what is hidden in the heart of people who choose this confrontation. Who want to believe that the entire problem is just a tiny misunderstanding and if you just explain it exactly perfectly, they will stop abusing you.
They will not.
And this kills people. Literally kills people, when they've convinced themselves that the other person has the capacity - mentally, emotionally, intellectually, philosophically - to love them authentically and they find out in a very difficult confrontation that the person does not have that capacity.
If it is really important to you on a spiritual or philosophical level that you tell them this thing and you are TOTALLY FINE with it being the last conversation you ever have with them, a conversation that is deeply traumatic to you, and you are willing to carry that burden going forward, okay. Do it if you are sure you truly are prepared for that.
This is not coming out, I am uncomfortable anyway with using this phrasing because it belongs to something specific, but also when you tell a parent "I have a lifelong neurodevelopmental disorder that you failed as a parent to acknowledge and support your child appropriately, so you are pretty objectively a bad parent even if I'm not personally willing to say that" they don't do very well because, see above, they've been choosing not to all along. They knew. They denied your initial diagnosis. They chose to harm you. This is not a misunderstanding.
So decide what you want out of this before you do it.
Otherwise, you just decide your boundaries and defend them with minimal explanations so that there can be limited debate. "I'm sorry, my health prevents traveling to see you. I like talking to you on the phone, though." Your health, in this case, is not having to deal with having the barn roof ripped off your trauma.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:41 PM on November 24, 2024 [61 favorites]
Actually, if you think they might buy it and/or be flattered, opening with "this is very hard for me to tell people about and I'm really grateful I can talk with my [parent] about it" might not be a bad opening gambit.
posted by trig at 3:42 PM on November 24, 2024
posted by trig at 3:42 PM on November 24, 2024
Response by poster: Still processing a lot but just a data point - this person is really inappropriate around health. Any hint of something wrong leads to an intrusive barrage of calls and instructions which dont take 'no' for an answer. It probably comes from extreme anxiety and good intentions but in practice is part of the kind of overwhelming stuff I'm talking about. So physical health explanations/excuses would be counterproductive.
posted by Flitcraft at 4:02 PM on November 24, 2024 [1 favorite]
posted by Flitcraft at 4:02 PM on November 24, 2024 [1 favorite]
Hey, just because no one has said it yet... it is OK to limit the number of visits.
It's ok to limit the number of calls, even by muting their ringtone or turning off your phone.
It's even OK to choose NOT to visit or call.
Really.
I know it's probably been installed in you that FAAAAAMILY is everything and you MUST do whatever your parent demands because you will forever be the child... but that's not true.
It's ok to put yourself and your needs first and prioritize your own wellbeing.
posted by stormyteal at 4:23 PM on November 24, 2024 [29 favorites]
It's ok to limit the number of calls, even by muting their ringtone or turning off your phone.
It's even OK to choose NOT to visit or call.
Really.
I know it's probably been installed in you that FAAAAAMILY is everything and you MUST do whatever your parent demands because you will forever be the child... but that's not true.
It's ok to put yourself and your needs first and prioritize your own wellbeing.
posted by stormyteal at 4:23 PM on November 24, 2024 [29 favorites]
I think you need to base your decision on what you are trying to accomplish. If your goal is to convince your parent to accept phone calls instead of visits, based on your description, discussing the reasons behind your choice may not actually matter to them. They already dismissed a diagnosis of ADHD. It’s unlikely given that info that they would somehow be more understanding around autism. In fact they might even attempt to use the info in a hurtful manner.
You don’t have to justify how closely you relate to your parent by giving them reasoning. If your goal is to feel that you are being honest with yourself and others about your neurodiversity, I think you need to work to remove the pressure around sharing this news and treat it just as a fact you might drop into conversation. You have autism, it’s as much a fact as the color of your eyes. Treating it as a big thing when addressing with your parent can give them a vibe that it is a big thing. Presenting it as just an unexciting neutral fact about yourself might still lead to disbelief on their part but is less likely to cause a blowup. Dramatic people like drama and when things are treated as banal, they have less drama to feed on.
posted by donut_princess at 4:31 PM on November 24, 2024 [7 favorites]
You don’t have to justify how closely you relate to your parent by giving them reasoning. If your goal is to feel that you are being honest with yourself and others about your neurodiversity, I think you need to work to remove the pressure around sharing this news and treat it just as a fact you might drop into conversation. You have autism, it’s as much a fact as the color of your eyes. Treating it as a big thing when addressing with your parent can give them a vibe that it is a big thing. Presenting it as just an unexciting neutral fact about yourself might still lead to disbelief on their part but is less likely to cause a blowup. Dramatic people like drama and when things are treated as banal, they have less drama to feed on.
posted by donut_princess at 4:31 PM on November 24, 2024 [7 favorites]
Oh gosh. This doesn't sound like it will be productive. If you want to visit, I'm on team "stay at a hotel and have work projects that just have to get done".
(If they weren't on board with ADHD, I don't see how they're likely to understand and be able to accept and process an autism diagnosis in a way that's helpful to you.)
posted by leahwrenn at 4:52 PM on November 24, 2024 [6 favorites]
(If they weren't on board with ADHD, I don't see how they're likely to understand and be able to accept and process an autism diagnosis in a way that's helpful to you.)
posted by leahwrenn at 4:52 PM on November 24, 2024 [6 favorites]
If they refused to believe you about the ADHD diagnosis, what has changed to make you think they’ll believe you about the autism diagnosis?
For visiting and general interactions, if you haven’t tried grey rocking (blandly giving minimal details), that would be a great tool for your toolbox.
posted by danceswithlight at 5:07 PM on November 24, 2024 [6 favorites]
For visiting and general interactions, if you haven’t tried grey rocking (blandly giving minimal details), that would be a great tool for your toolbox.
posted by danceswithlight at 5:07 PM on November 24, 2024 [6 favorites]
I think what you want is for this conversation to inspire them to care about your needs and how they make you feel. I don’t think that will happen. With a sick parent in their late seventies, I feel pretty sure that will not happen for you again, if it ever happened before. It is their time to be cared for, they are on the great downslope, and this is true regardless of whether they gave you what you deserved when you were young. Your only choice here is, are you going to be the person to provide that care? If your answer is no, it is no. Own that. Don’t explain by reference to specific needs of yours that go unmet when you are around them. It won’t help.
posted by eirias at 5:27 PM on November 24, 2024 [10 favorites]
posted by eirias at 5:27 PM on November 24, 2024 [10 favorites]
Could you have the visit in a restaurant rather than their home? Large chain restaurants like Red Lobster on a weekday afternoon are often pretty chill and good for leisurely lunches with older people.
Wherever you end up going, schedule ahead for a cab to pick you up after a pre-chosen length of time, maybe 2-3 hours?
Get beige foam earplugs and cut them in half so they’re not super noticeable. Wear them the whole time. You will still be able to hear, but they will make annoying people seem much further away!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:24 PM on November 24, 2024 [1 favorite]
Wherever you end up going, schedule ahead for a cab to pick you up after a pre-chosen length of time, maybe 2-3 hours?
Get beige foam earplugs and cut them in half so they’re not super noticeable. Wear them the whole time. You will still be able to hear, but they will make annoying people seem much further away!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:24 PM on November 24, 2024 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you want the closure of them (perhaps as an authority) hearing you acknowledge to the world that you have autism. It sounds like they're absolutely not going to give you a positive response, though. I'm very sorry that you may have to go through that.
My late father would never acknowledge that I had ADHD. His first response when I told him was to intone loudly “There's nothing wrong with any of us!”, as if him saying that would make the issue go away, and he never budged from that. My mother has become slightly more sympathetic, though it was a hard slog. She went from “You don't have ADHD” (she was a teacher, so she Knows About Things Like That) through “Do those pills you take help you?” to the most recent “Do you think Dad had ADHD?” (to which, a hearty yes, more than anything).
posted by scruss at 6:58 PM on November 24, 2024 [7 favorites]
My late father would never acknowledge that I had ADHD. His first response when I told him was to intone loudly “There's nothing wrong with any of us!”, as if him saying that would make the issue go away, and he never budged from that. My mother has become slightly more sympathetic, though it was a hard slog. She went from “You don't have ADHD” (she was a teacher, so she Knows About Things Like That) through “Do those pills you take help you?” to the most recent “Do you think Dad had ADHD?” (to which, a hearty yes, more than anything).
posted by scruss at 6:58 PM on November 24, 2024 [7 favorites]
I think, after hearing about their reactions to the ADHD diagnosis, you have two choices. One, learn a self help technique to calm yourself if you feel or anticipate a meltdown coming. Maybe that is a breathing technique or an internal monologue or something else. Two, don't visit. I get being an only child sort of heaps a lot on you in terms of obligations, real and perceived. Rather than say I am never going to visit you bc you are you, start with an excuse after you said you will visit and tell them you will reschedule and then slow walk any reschedule. Then something comes up with work that makes it too hard to get away right now. Eventually, either they get the hint or you have built up enough internal stamina to tell them outright, we can talk over the phone for sure, but it is just too exhausting to visit in person.
If you do decide to visit, pre plan your exit. I am coming next week to visit, but because of xyz, I can only stay for 24/48 hours. Limit it in advance.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:03 PM on November 24, 2024 [1 favorite]
If you do decide to visit, pre plan your exit. I am coming next week to visit, but because of xyz, I can only stay for 24/48 hours. Limit it in advance.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:03 PM on November 24, 2024 [1 favorite]
I don't think telling them you're autistic is going to help. It sounds like you want to be able to give them a reason visits are hard for you that isn't your fault or their fault - something they will simply accept as valid without blaming you or feeling you're blaming them. Given their response to your ADHD diagnosis, it seems unlikely that an autism diagnosis is going to work that way.
How are they about mental health? If they believe mental health issues are real but don't have quite the same level of anxiety about them that they do about physical health, maybe your best best would be to use your mental health the way you wanted to use your autism diagnosis. You could explain that you've been working on your mental health and it's in a pretty good place right now, thanks to some helpful professional advice. You want to keep following that advice since it's working out so well, and it includes things like sticking to a routine, giving yourself lots of downtime, keeping your life simple, minimizing social obligations, etc. You could even say, "The doctor pointed out that with the way my brain works, something like going on a visit can be quite stressful, even though it wouldn't affect most people the same way. He thinks it's best for now if I try to stick to a simple routine that minimizes that kind of stress. Or if I want to visit someone, I should make sure [fill in the accommodations you want.]" Sort of like saying you have autism without using the word "autism."
If they aren't likely to react well to a mental health explanation, maybe you could brainstorm other "not my fault, not your fault" reasons you could provide (true or not) and see what you can come up with. (Regular weekend or evening obligation? Allergy to something at their house? Heavy workload at your job leaving you too tired?)
posted by Redstart at 7:37 PM on November 24, 2024 [5 favorites]
How are they about mental health? If they believe mental health issues are real but don't have quite the same level of anxiety about them that they do about physical health, maybe your best best would be to use your mental health the way you wanted to use your autism diagnosis. You could explain that you've been working on your mental health and it's in a pretty good place right now, thanks to some helpful professional advice. You want to keep following that advice since it's working out so well, and it includes things like sticking to a routine, giving yourself lots of downtime, keeping your life simple, minimizing social obligations, etc. You could even say, "The doctor pointed out that with the way my brain works, something like going on a visit can be quite stressful, even though it wouldn't affect most people the same way. He thinks it's best for now if I try to stick to a simple routine that minimizes that kind of stress. Or if I want to visit someone, I should make sure [fill in the accommodations you want.]" Sort of like saying you have autism without using the word "autism."
If they aren't likely to react well to a mental health explanation, maybe you could brainstorm other "not my fault, not your fault" reasons you could provide (true or not) and see what you can come up with. (Regular weekend or evening obligation? Allergy to something at their house? Heavy workload at your job leaving you too tired?)
posted by Redstart at 7:37 PM on November 24, 2024 [5 favorites]
If they didn't believe you when you told them you had ADHD there's literally zero reason to believe they will react any differently to an autism diagnosis. You are allowed to set boundaries without an explanation, and I think you should. I understand that you really, really want to be understood and accepted by your parent and I'm really sorry this doesn't seem likely to yield the result you want.
posted by potrzebie at 8:23 PM on November 24, 2024 [6 favorites]
posted by potrzebie at 8:23 PM on November 24, 2024 [6 favorites]
Yeah seems unlikely.
How would you feel about using metaphors that might make more sense to someone of her generation ? Feeling overwhelmed and being sensitive are things anyone can understand. They may still judge it of course. Want to control it etc.
That’s where I think just being straight up about the conflict might be handy. Set the boundary and just be real about it. Assuming they have some level of self awareness. Update if that’s not the case.
You could tell parent that as they probably are aware (unless they’re not), they’ve got a big personality and strong opinions, that sorry to say, come across a little forcefully sometimes , too much, sometimes, for your temperament. You love them but sometimes it’s a lot for you.
So can they please tone it down just a little so you can all enjoy a nice lunch.
As well, you are now probably at least 35 so as much as parent may not like or approve of every choice, that choice is yours to make. Of course they’re not going to be quiet about things they worry about but they can also be reminded that you’re an adult, aged X, and if you’re allowed to vote you’re allowed to live your life.
And, you’d much rather focus on enjoying time together.
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:50 PM on November 24, 2024 [1 favorite]
How would you feel about using metaphors that might make more sense to someone of her generation ? Feeling overwhelmed and being sensitive are things anyone can understand. They may still judge it of course. Want to control it etc.
That’s where I think just being straight up about the conflict might be handy. Set the boundary and just be real about it. Assuming they have some level of self awareness. Update if that’s not the case.
You could tell parent that as they probably are aware (unless they’re not), they’ve got a big personality and strong opinions, that sorry to say, come across a little forcefully sometimes , too much, sometimes, for your temperament. You love them but sometimes it’s a lot for you.
So can they please tone it down just a little so you can all enjoy a nice lunch.
As well, you are now probably at least 35 so as much as parent may not like or approve of every choice, that choice is yours to make. Of course they’re not going to be quiet about things they worry about but they can also be reminded that you’re an adult, aged X, and if you’re allowed to vote you’re allowed to live your life.
And, you’d much rather focus on enjoying time together.
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:50 PM on November 24, 2024 [1 favorite]
It sounds like meeting in a neutral place is an option, what if you did that and refused to visit them at home? Like, do the thing you have planned, but make an effort to make it a pleasant experience for them, so they see it as a good replacement for visiting at home. They like a restaurant and you don’t hate it, go there. Don’t argue, make a vague noise to indicate you heard them and steer the topic somewhere else. Go in with a list of safe topics, ideally ones that they tend to ramble about. All this presumes that you want to maintain a relationship, it’s also fine to just not! Or to only do phone calls and end the call if they start guilting you. Or to not mask so much. You get to decide.
If you tell them you have autism, it should be for yourself and not because you expect them to change. They surely noticed you having meltdowns when you visited, there is some weapons grade denial going on, and you can’t fix it.
FWIW, I don’t go home for holidays. It doesn’t work for our family dynamic. At first it was a big deal, now my parents and I have planned other sorts of visits/trips, they know it works better for all of us and are on board.
posted by momus_window at 10:13 PM on November 24, 2024 [2 favorites]
If you tell them you have autism, it should be for yourself and not because you expect them to change. They surely noticed you having meltdowns when you visited, there is some weapons grade denial going on, and you can’t fix it.
FWIW, I don’t go home for holidays. It doesn’t work for our family dynamic. At first it was a big deal, now my parents and I have planned other sorts of visits/trips, they know it works better for all of us and are on board.
posted by momus_window at 10:13 PM on November 24, 2024 [2 favorites]
Another thing to consider is that autism is genetic, so it's quite possible that your parent is also autistic and has spent a lifetime living with it unsupported, which can be a fairly traumatic experience. If that's the case, then
- they may find it hard to believe that you're autistic, because they think everybody is like that.
- they may have a lot of anxiety that impacts the way they interact
- they may have unresolved trauma around the way other people have treated them over their life
- they may get hooked on certain narratives and find it difficult to change their opinion
- they may have a lot of very strong emotions that are difficult for them to manage or articulate
- they may say things more bluntly than you prefer
If the possibility clicks with you, maybe it helps you to understand their behaviour as more about their own challenges and less as being personally aimed at you. But none of that is a reason that you should stay trapped with that behaviour if you find distressing. I'm only raising this possibility in case it provides some insight, I'm not trying to guilt trip you into ignoring your own needs in favour of theirs.
posted by quacks like a duck at 1:37 AM on November 25, 2024 [19 favorites]
- they may find it hard to believe that you're autistic, because they think everybody is like that.
- they may have a lot of anxiety that impacts the way they interact
- they may have unresolved trauma around the way other people have treated them over their life
- they may get hooked on certain narratives and find it difficult to change their opinion
- they may have a lot of very strong emotions that are difficult for them to manage or articulate
- they may say things more bluntly than you prefer
If the possibility clicks with you, maybe it helps you to understand their behaviour as more about their own challenges and less as being personally aimed at you. But none of that is a reason that you should stay trapped with that behaviour if you find distressing. I'm only raising this possibility in case it provides some insight, I'm not trying to guilt trip you into ignoring your own needs in favour of theirs.
posted by quacks like a duck at 1:37 AM on November 25, 2024 [19 favorites]
I like warrior queen's framing. Wanting your parent to know that you're autistic is one thing. Wanting them to accept you is another, separate thing.
This is something I've had to deal with myself, as a late realised autistic person. There are quite a few layers to this situation.
1) the ignorance and stigma about autism. They don't know what it means and are likely to be unwilling to learn more about it.
2)its likely that they'll see it as an attack on themselves as a parent, and a rejection of them. I'm going to guess they're not usually open to you deciding who you are, as opposed to you accepting their idea of who you are?
3)As these things run in families, it's likely that they are neurodivergent themselves and have a lot of unexamined internalised abelism and trauma as a result of having survived as an unrecognised ND person for all their life. This can make it very difficult for them to accept you as an openly ND person. They'd have to face some painful truths about themselves, and most people are not good at that.
Are you finding yourself having imaginary conversations with them, going over the best and worst ways this revelation might go? Imagining them accepting, or rejecting you?
Try to interrupt that cycle of rumination. It's understandable, but it's getting in the way of you identifying the aspects of the situation that you can control (your actions) and those you cant (your parent's opinions, feelings, and actions).
It's so understandable that you'd want to share this with them, but don't do so as a way to try to change them or their actions.
posted by Zumbador at 1:39 AM on November 25, 2024 [4 favorites]
This is something I've had to deal with myself, as a late realised autistic person. There are quite a few layers to this situation.
1) the ignorance and stigma about autism. They don't know what it means and are likely to be unwilling to learn more about it.
2)its likely that they'll see it as an attack on themselves as a parent, and a rejection of them. I'm going to guess they're not usually open to you deciding who you are, as opposed to you accepting their idea of who you are?
3)As these things run in families, it's likely that they are neurodivergent themselves and have a lot of unexamined internalised abelism and trauma as a result of having survived as an unrecognised ND person for all their life. This can make it very difficult for them to accept you as an openly ND person. They'd have to face some painful truths about themselves, and most people are not good at that.
Are you finding yourself having imaginary conversations with them, going over the best and worst ways this revelation might go? Imagining them accepting, or rejecting you?
Try to interrupt that cycle of rumination. It's understandable, but it's getting in the way of you identifying the aspects of the situation that you can control (your actions) and those you cant (your parent's opinions, feelings, and actions).
It's so understandable that you'd want to share this with them, but don't do so as a way to try to change them or their actions.
posted by Zumbador at 1:39 AM on November 25, 2024 [4 favorites]
Goodness gracious; I have the same mom, faced the same issue and had written a lengthier response, but here's what it came down to. After spending weeks/months thinking through:
how this could go;
the planned conversation;
the planned conversation and meal;
what I would wear;
how I wanted it to go;
my future me feeling proud for being honest;
my future me once again disappointed by my mom being my mom;
every single possible response I could imagine, etc., here's what happened.
Me: (thoughtful setup)...and it turns that packing myself into small places, lining up my Barbies and copying accents was consistent with how people with autism think and behave, so I was evaluated and diagnosed with autism, which is cool because it explains so much.
Mom: You don't have autism. There's nothing wrong with you. You're just quirky.
I will now spare you the rest, but it's been several years and I don't see her very often. I avoid phone conversations because she is so panicky and endlessly negative.
She does not understand or accept me. She parents in a way that makes sense to her but I cannot be around, so I am not around her. I've explained boundaries, she does not respect them.
It's the best ending I could have hoped for. I shared my truth, was met with the negative and unkind mother I remembered, and I am okay with that.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:00 AM on November 25, 2024 [7 favorites]
how this could go;
the planned conversation;
the planned conversation and meal;
what I would wear;
how I wanted it to go;
my future me feeling proud for being honest;
my future me once again disappointed by my mom being my mom;
every single possible response I could imagine, etc., here's what happened.
Me: (thoughtful setup)...and it turns that packing myself into small places, lining up my Barbies and copying accents was consistent with how people with autism think and behave, so I was evaluated and diagnosed with autism, which is cool because it explains so much.
Mom: You don't have autism. There's nothing wrong with you. You're just quirky.
I will now spare you the rest, but it's been several years and I don't see her very often. I avoid phone conversations because she is so panicky and endlessly negative.
She does not understand or accept me. She parents in a way that makes sense to her but I cannot be around, so I am not around her. I've explained boundaries, she does not respect them.
It's the best ending I could have hoped for. I shared my truth, was met with the negative and unkind mother I remembered, and I am okay with that.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:00 AM on November 25, 2024 [7 favorites]
I’m autistic, 59 years old, lifetime of dealing with many people who couldn’t be fussed to understand me.
What warriorqueen and Puppy McSock said. Don’t do this, it is likely to be a poor use of your finite time and energy.
Consider limiting your in-person visits to 15 - 30 minutes, enough for a wellness check and perhaps to drop off groceries or other needful things. Yes, you can, and you can even tell parent your schedule has gotten busier without supplying further details.
Focus on your own growth and on those relationships that enrich your life. Parent blew their chance and that’s their fault, not yours. Sounds like you have tried to be an attentive and loving kid. That’s all that you need to do.
posted by rabia.elizabeth at 5:47 AM on November 25, 2024 [4 favorites]
What warriorqueen and Puppy McSock said. Don’t do this, it is likely to be a poor use of your finite time and energy.
Consider limiting your in-person visits to 15 - 30 minutes, enough for a wellness check and perhaps to drop off groceries or other needful things. Yes, you can, and you can even tell parent your schedule has gotten busier without supplying further details.
Focus on your own growth and on those relationships that enrich your life. Parent blew their chance and that’s their fault, not yours. Sounds like you have tried to be an attentive and loving kid. That’s all that you need to do.
posted by rabia.elizabeth at 5:47 AM on November 25, 2024 [4 favorites]
I do not think this is going to be a successful conversation, as others have already elaborated very well. I've been there, done that. You'll just end up hurting. If they didn't believe your ADHD diagnosis, i can't see this going well.
You don't need another person's permission to set a boundary. You don't need to convince them your boundary is reasonable. You don't need them to be supportive of the boundary.
You just decide what your boundary is and you stick to it. A therapist could be very helpful for this.
If in person visits are too stressful for you [at least for now], then just tell them, "I can't visit in person for the holidays."
If they monopolize phone conversations trying to guilt you into coming for a visit, you can tell them, "This isn't up for discussion. If you continue to bring up this issue, I'm going to hang up the phone." And then follow through.
You are an adult. You don't need their permission not to visit.
I know this isn't easy, I know there's a lot of guilt - I am an only child with aging parents. Practice this with a therapist or with a friend. Write the phrases out on an index card and read them verbatim if that helps.
posted by litera scripta manet at 6:02 AM on November 25, 2024 [4 favorites]
You don't need another person's permission to set a boundary. You don't need to convince them your boundary is reasonable. You don't need them to be supportive of the boundary.
You just decide what your boundary is and you stick to it. A therapist could be very helpful for this.
If in person visits are too stressful for you [at least for now], then just tell them, "I can't visit in person for the holidays."
If they monopolize phone conversations trying to guilt you into coming for a visit, you can tell them, "This isn't up for discussion. If you continue to bring up this issue, I'm going to hang up the phone." And then follow through.
You are an adult. You don't need their permission not to visit.
I know this isn't easy, I know there's a lot of guilt - I am an only child with aging parents. Practice this with a therapist or with a friend. Write the phrases out on an index card and read them verbatim if that helps.
posted by litera scripta manet at 6:02 AM on November 25, 2024 [4 favorites]
Sorry I haven’t had a chance to read all the answers but one way to broach this with her might be to say you’re a “highly sensitive person”… I used to see books about it in charity shops for a while and I think a lot of HSP women eventually graduated to realizing they were autistic… but it might be something your mom could swallow and accommodate vs feel judged by and then invalidate you. Please ignore if this is NOT helpful.
posted by flink at 6:18 AM on November 25, 2024 [1 favorite]
posted by flink at 6:18 AM on November 25, 2024 [1 favorite]
Don't tell them. I just got an official autism diagnosis at 55 ... let's see ... 5 days ago. I have an autistic teen and regularly visit my 91-year-old dad in elder care. He is (was) more supportive than your parent, and probably has autism himself, but I am not planning on telling him for a few reasons. He has advancing dementia but if you swap that for you parent's critical nature, maybe it will resonate. Thoughts:
* At this point, your roles have reversed and you are now the sometime caregiver. If you think of them like a child for whom you are sacrificing and doing things, it may help you. My dad will say mean things or lose track of our conversation and I try to just shrug it off. He's an invalid.
* The closure you want with them is not going to happen. I'm in a 3-generation autism family and the way each generation thinks about mental issues and responsibilities is incredibly different. My dad never got allowances for his autism, and I didn't for 55 years! The expectation was/is that if you are neurodivergent you just accept it and work harder to fit in. I still think that might be good advice if paired with acknowledgement and kindness.
* Your diagnosis sort of *is* the closure, along with finding sympathetic people to be around from here on out. I've had all sorts of fantasies about going back people from my past and saying "Hey, I'm autistic. That's why X happened", but I'm not sure that would really help me unless the relationships are ongoing. Give yourself a ton of credit for getting diagnosed at last, AND for being a good person who has lived life with these challenges!
Maybe the dementia just makes it clearer, IDK. I've never felt that well understood by my dad or by most people, and I've always liked to argue politics, or tell him about my successes, or generally get external validation from him. But now he forgets almost everything I tell him, and so I don't think it will add anything. I've told my wife and kids and a couple of other close people but that's it. I'm also probably not going to do the workplace accommodation stuff, but instead find a new job that doesn't stress me out as much.
Good luck - this is a big deal, but I think you should not bring your parent into it this late.
As far as visiting, the hotel idea is good, but you could also just stay with them and visualize yourself as the parent/giver and focus on what you can do for them. I have found that being 99% selfness in my interactions has actually made me feel good instead of bad. It does take a lot out of me though, so I give myself freedom to do the autism "I need alone time" thing afterwards.
posted by caviar2d2 at 6:41 AM on November 25, 2024 [3 favorites]
* At this point, your roles have reversed and you are now the sometime caregiver. If you think of them like a child for whom you are sacrificing and doing things, it may help you. My dad will say mean things or lose track of our conversation and I try to just shrug it off. He's an invalid.
* The closure you want with them is not going to happen. I'm in a 3-generation autism family and the way each generation thinks about mental issues and responsibilities is incredibly different. My dad never got allowances for his autism, and I didn't for 55 years! The expectation was/is that if you are neurodivergent you just accept it and work harder to fit in. I still think that might be good advice if paired with acknowledgement and kindness.
* Your diagnosis sort of *is* the closure, along with finding sympathetic people to be around from here on out. I've had all sorts of fantasies about going back people from my past and saying "Hey, I'm autistic. That's why X happened", but I'm not sure that would really help me unless the relationships are ongoing. Give yourself a ton of credit for getting diagnosed at last, AND for being a good person who has lived life with these challenges!
Maybe the dementia just makes it clearer, IDK. I've never felt that well understood by my dad or by most people, and I've always liked to argue politics, or tell him about my successes, or generally get external validation from him. But now he forgets almost everything I tell him, and so I don't think it will add anything. I've told my wife and kids and a couple of other close people but that's it. I'm also probably not going to do the workplace accommodation stuff, but instead find a new job that doesn't stress me out as much.
Good luck - this is a big deal, but I think you should not bring your parent into it this late.
As far as visiting, the hotel idea is good, but you could also just stay with them and visualize yourself as the parent/giver and focus on what you can do for them. I have found that being 99% selfness in my interactions has actually made me feel good instead of bad. It does take a lot out of me though, so I give myself freedom to do the autism "I need alone time" thing afterwards.
posted by caviar2d2 at 6:41 AM on November 25, 2024 [3 favorites]
Why do you want to tell your parent?
Drill down into that question, for real, and really ask yourself what you are looking for from them. Having ADHD/ being autistic is not like being gay or being trans, in the sense that you will never NEED your parent to accept your lifestyle in order to interact with them in the most basic ways. If you're gay or trans, your ability to interact with your parent on a daily basis becomes impaired if they cannot accept your gender or your partner. You NEED them to call you by your name, you NEED them to tolerate your partner holding your hand where they can see, and essentially you depend on their acceptance of gayness or transness in order to exist in their presence. In those cases, the only alternative to your parent accepting your truth is to lose the parent from your life entirely.
The same is not true for having ADHD or being autistic.
You don't need your parent to accept your diagnostic label in order to ask them for accommodations. Like, you don't have to say, "I am autistic, I am not able to tolerate that sound, and therefore, since I now have a valid reason for making this request, can you please turn the volume down?" You can just say, "Can you please turn the volume down?" Let them say yes or no. If they say yes, great! If they say no, you can then say, "Okay, let's continue chatting next time. Bye!" and leave.
Heck, you can even say, "I have autism," and simply not depend on them to affirm your answer in order to feel good or valid. You know?
Similarly, you don't need them to accept and understand that you are autistic in order to continue making phone calls and continue avoiding in-person visits. In fact, you don't need them to understand at all. You only need to tell them that this is what you will do, and allow them to have their feelings about it without trying to rescue them from their feelings, without interfering with their ability to have bad feelings towards you.
This is a job for YOU not for them. Learning to allow your parents to have their meltdowns without taking it personally. Learning to hang up the phone if they are trying to direct their meltdown at you and raging at you. Learning to stop taking responsibility for their meltdowns. Understanding that their meltdowns are not your job to solve.
And furthermore, perhaps most important: learning that you do not need your parents' permission or validation or approval to genuinely have ADHD or autism. ADHD/autism is your personal health diagnosis. It is managed by making changes to your personal habits and by taking your own personal medication. There is no area or part or aspect of ADHD or autism that needs your parents' acceptance or approval. Their opinion of ADHD or autism should ideally not affect your ability to spend time with them at Christmas or during phone calls or whatever, *to the extent that you are able to enjoy and tolerate*.
Stop making your enjoyment of the interaction contingent upon whether they accept and approve of your diagnosis, and start treating your diagnosis as your business. There is a whole world of other subjects you can interact on. Your diagnosis doesn't need to be the entire fulcrum upon which this relationship pivots.
posted by MiraK at 7:57 AM on November 25, 2024 [13 favorites]
Drill down into that question, for real, and really ask yourself what you are looking for from them. Having ADHD/ being autistic is not like being gay or being trans, in the sense that you will never NEED your parent to accept your lifestyle in order to interact with them in the most basic ways. If you're gay or trans, your ability to interact with your parent on a daily basis becomes impaired if they cannot accept your gender or your partner. You NEED them to call you by your name, you NEED them to tolerate your partner holding your hand where they can see, and essentially you depend on their acceptance of gayness or transness in order to exist in their presence. In those cases, the only alternative to your parent accepting your truth is to lose the parent from your life entirely.
The same is not true for having ADHD or being autistic.
You don't need your parent to accept your diagnostic label in order to ask them for accommodations. Like, you don't have to say, "I am autistic, I am not able to tolerate that sound, and therefore, since I now have a valid reason for making this request, can you please turn the volume down?" You can just say, "Can you please turn the volume down?" Let them say yes or no. If they say yes, great! If they say no, you can then say, "Okay, let's continue chatting next time. Bye!" and leave.
Heck, you can even say, "I have autism," and simply not depend on them to affirm your answer in order to feel good or valid. You know?
Similarly, you don't need them to accept and understand that you are autistic in order to continue making phone calls and continue avoiding in-person visits. In fact, you don't need them to understand at all. You only need to tell them that this is what you will do, and allow them to have their feelings about it without trying to rescue them from their feelings, without interfering with their ability to have bad feelings towards you.
This is a job for YOU not for them. Learning to allow your parents to have their meltdowns without taking it personally. Learning to hang up the phone if they are trying to direct their meltdown at you and raging at you. Learning to stop taking responsibility for their meltdowns. Understanding that their meltdowns are not your job to solve.
And furthermore, perhaps most important: learning that you do not need your parents' permission or validation or approval to genuinely have ADHD or autism. ADHD/autism is your personal health diagnosis. It is managed by making changes to your personal habits and by taking your own personal medication. There is no area or part or aspect of ADHD or autism that needs your parents' acceptance or approval. Their opinion of ADHD or autism should ideally not affect your ability to spend time with them at Christmas or during phone calls or whatever, *to the extent that you are able to enjoy and tolerate*.
Stop making your enjoyment of the interaction contingent upon whether they accept and approve of your diagnosis, and start treating your diagnosis as your business. There is a whole world of other subjects you can interact on. Your diagnosis doesn't need to be the entire fulcrum upon which this relationship pivots.
posted by MiraK at 7:57 AM on November 25, 2024 [13 favorites]
I pass pretty well, but everybody close to me in my life who works around autism says "oh, yeah, you're on the spectrum somewhere". When this observation has been presented to my mom, she's gotten super defensive about her parenting skills.
This is all exacerbated by some wacky health beliefs, so she's all "but if you're autistic that means I did something wrong raising you", but I also suspect that the "take all of the issues of her kids as judgment on her parenting skills" is prevalent in moms of her generation.
Which drops back to the "why": It's not going to help them understand you. It may just bring up defensiveness and other issues. Go with the advice up-thread.
posted by straw at 10:48 AM on November 25, 2024 [2 favorites]
This is all exacerbated by some wacky health beliefs, so she's all "but if you're autistic that means I did something wrong raising you", but I also suspect that the "take all of the issues of her kids as judgment on her parenting skills" is prevalent in moms of her generation.
Which drops back to the "why": It's not going to help them understand you. It may just bring up defensiveness and other issues. Go with the advice up-thread.
posted by straw at 10:48 AM on November 25, 2024 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I'm still chewing on all this but one thing it suddenly and powerfully brought up for me is that she knows my cousin who is nearby and helps her and visits a lot is dyslexic, and not just believes him and doesn't question but has never disbelieved him on that or many other things but supports him, and does all sorts to help him.
But of course, she's not his mother so no possible reflection on her and her parenting.
So considering that, yes I think the majority are right, there isn't any point. She could believe me if she liked, just as she does with cousin but doesn't want to. I too have been pondering if she's undiagnosed - it was obvious with my father who had similar special interests to mine but when I think about it - sensory stuff, love of sameness, special interests which I hadn't previously clocked because they didnt look like mine, emotional over-intensity/ inappropriateness... Hmmm
Thanks for the practical advice about short visits/boundaries/eat out etc. I'm leaning to hiring a part-time carer for me who can drive so I can visit but safely get out quick if necessary.
posted by Flitcraft at 12:07 PM on November 25, 2024 [8 favorites]
But of course, she's not his mother so no possible reflection on her and her parenting.
So considering that, yes I think the majority are right, there isn't any point. She could believe me if she liked, just as she does with cousin but doesn't want to. I too have been pondering if she's undiagnosed - it was obvious with my father who had similar special interests to mine but when I think about it - sensory stuff, love of sameness, special interests which I hadn't previously clocked because they didnt look like mine, emotional over-intensity/ inappropriateness... Hmmm
Thanks for the practical advice about short visits/boundaries/eat out etc. I'm leaning to hiring a part-time carer for me who can drive so I can visit but safely get out quick if necessary.
posted by Flitcraft at 12:07 PM on November 25, 2024 [8 favorites]
After a tough holiday at home one year, I realized I wasn't going to be understood by my family.
At first I was pissed
Then I was sad
Now I take it as the reality it is.
I won't be understood by everyone I meet, and that might include the people I might most expect understanding from.
My desire for what should be doesn't always change what is.
Whether yo sahre your diagnosis, or simply that some things are easier for you than others, you may not be understood. From there, you get to choose if you will make peace with that inside of you.
Mirak's suggestion to request accomodations without explaining yourself is strong. You don't need to have a reason to prefer the volume be lower or to keep a visit short.
posted by jander03 at 7:03 AM on November 26, 2024 [3 favorites]
At first I was pissed
Then I was sad
Now I take it as the reality it is.
I won't be understood by everyone I meet, and that might include the people I might most expect understanding from.
My desire for what should be doesn't always change what is.
Whether yo sahre your diagnosis, or simply that some things are easier for you than others, you may not be understood. From there, you get to choose if you will make peace with that inside of you.
Mirak's suggestion to request accomodations without explaining yourself is strong. You don't need to have a reason to prefer the volume be lower or to keep a visit short.
posted by jander03 at 7:03 AM on November 26, 2024 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: This is something I'm learning to do. I've tended to think in the past it was 'unreasonable' of me not to be able to give a good serious reason for asking for something that inconveniences or upsets somebody else. But it sounds like something I need to learn.
posted by Flitcraft at 1:39 PM on November 26, 2024 [1 favorite]
posted by Flitcraft at 1:39 PM on November 26, 2024 [1 favorite]
If it would help your brain to read somebody giving variations on the theme of "asking/asserting for things need without feeling you have to justify your very existence" advice over and over to different people, you could try reading Captain Awkward.
posted by foxfirefey at 2:48 PM on November 26, 2024 [2 favorites]
posted by foxfirefey at 2:48 PM on November 26, 2024 [2 favorites]
Best answer: This is something I'm learning to do. I've tended to think in the past it was 'unreasonable' of me not to be able to give a good serious reason for asking for something that inconveniences or upsets somebody else. But it sounds like something I need to learn.
My (neurodivergent affirming) therapist told me that "because I want to" or "because I don't want to" can be complete sentences. Assuming, of course, that the thing being discussed doesn't harm anyone, you don't have to provide a reason for your boundary setting. And in fact, often providing a reason makes it more likely the other person will argue with your reason.
As an autistic person, I often find that I argue with people because of their reasons provided around boundaries, because I lose track of the emotional context. For example, my frail, ageing father refuses to use his walker. He tells me all kinds of reasons (it's not designed to be used outside, etc) which are all incorrect. So I end up arguing with him about those reasons, forgetting that the underlying, and most important reason of all - "because I don't want to" is the one I can't actually argue with.
posted by Zumbador at 1:15 AM on November 27, 2024 [2 favorites]
My (neurodivergent affirming) therapist told me that "because I want to" or "because I don't want to" can be complete sentences. Assuming, of course, that the thing being discussed doesn't harm anyone, you don't have to provide a reason for your boundary setting. And in fact, often providing a reason makes it more likely the other person will argue with your reason.
As an autistic person, I often find that I argue with people because of their reasons provided around boundaries, because I lose track of the emotional context. For example, my frail, ageing father refuses to use his walker. He tells me all kinds of reasons (it's not designed to be used outside, etc) which are all incorrect. So I end up arguing with him about those reasons, forgetting that the underlying, and most important reason of all - "because I don't want to" is the one I can't actually argue with.
posted by Zumbador at 1:15 AM on November 27, 2024 [2 favorites]
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One thing that has helped them is staying at a hotel and not at the parent’s house and limiting interaction to a few hours. This has given them a much lower level of anxiety when they are with our parent, and claiming to have work tasks or something similar has given them an exit when they reach their threshold for contact time with our parent.
Best of luck
posted by owalt1 at 2:13 PM on November 24, 2024 [13 favorites]