How do I work on being less casually dismissive in conversation?
March 3, 2024 7:24 PM Subscribe
I’d love practical tips for noticing this when it happens more often and ways to reframe my responses to be more kind and open to what the other person is saying.
One of the traits I like least about myself is that I can sometimes be instantly dismissive of things people say if I disagree or even somehow if I broadly agree but have something else to say about the topic. Often I haven’t even really processed what they’ve said before I respond. Like my instinct is not to ‘yes and’ people, it’s to ‘no but’ them. It’s sometimes upsetting or offputting for people I’m talking to depending on the topic or the context and it’s maddening to me when I notice I’m doing it. I would really not enjoy it if people did this to me!
It’s partly something that comes from the way my dad talked to me (and everyone else) when I was growing up and I hate it when he does it now and I hate it even more when I notice that I’m doing it. And it’s partly due to neurodivergence - I have ADHD and for me that means that I talk quickly with very little ‘filter’, literally the things I’m saying are a surprise to me until I’ve already said them a lot of the time and it’s very difficult for me to slow down. Also I’m autistic so it’s more difficult for me to realise when I’ve said the wrong thing sometimes and I have not learned a social script to handle this when I get it wrong in smaller ways. Ultimately though I think it’s also just a terrible habit that I hope can be broken. I do think it’s fine for me to disagree or even disagree regularly, I just need a better way to do it and a way to remember to put that into practice.
An example from today of what I mean was (on a first date no less, which thankfully otherwise went pretty well because I’m nowhere near as much of a jerk in general as this question makes me sound) - someone telling me they were trying to get into running and me immediately rolling my eyes and saying ‘Ugh, could never be me, that sounds awful I have no idea why anyone would do that’ or something similar. This happens a lot about all sorts of things. It very rarely happens when I know the conversation is about something that’s actually very important to the other person or vulnerable for them to share, it’s something that comes up in casual conversations. I think this is because when I know the conversation is important and I need to tread carefully I am able to slow down and concentrate and do that. I also know how to apologise for it when I mess up in ‘serious’ conversations but not in casual ones. This is a habit that really doesn’t serve me or my relationships or align with my values and I want to be rid of it.
Would love to hear suggestions from people who have dealt with something similar - especially people who get what I mean about the ADHD no filter problem about how they’ve learned to slow down, think before they speak and figure out what they’re trying to communicate before opening their mouths in every conversation. I’ve heard the ‘is it true, is it kind, does it need to be said’ etc list, but if I tried to run through those questions before every casual statement or reply to something someone said I think it would lead to a lot of weird and awkward pauses for me, since that’s just not how my brain works when it comes to speech. Is there a quicker version? How do I acknowledge and/or apologise for it in everyday examples similar to the one above in a way that isn’t too intense for the situation? Or alternatively I would appreciate recommended resources or advice about active listening in casual small talk type conversations (again something I’m fairly good at if it’s ‘serious’ and bad at if it’s ‘not’) since I think this is part of the problem. I do recognise that part of the root of this is that I should be treating every conversation as though it matters because the person I’m talking to matters and having more genuine curiosity about other peoples’ perspectives. I’m looking for techniques and advice to help me put that into practice.
One of the traits I like least about myself is that I can sometimes be instantly dismissive of things people say if I disagree or even somehow if I broadly agree but have something else to say about the topic. Often I haven’t even really processed what they’ve said before I respond. Like my instinct is not to ‘yes and’ people, it’s to ‘no but’ them. It’s sometimes upsetting or offputting for people I’m talking to depending on the topic or the context and it’s maddening to me when I notice I’m doing it. I would really not enjoy it if people did this to me!
It’s partly something that comes from the way my dad talked to me (and everyone else) when I was growing up and I hate it when he does it now and I hate it even more when I notice that I’m doing it. And it’s partly due to neurodivergence - I have ADHD and for me that means that I talk quickly with very little ‘filter’, literally the things I’m saying are a surprise to me until I’ve already said them a lot of the time and it’s very difficult for me to slow down. Also I’m autistic so it’s more difficult for me to realise when I’ve said the wrong thing sometimes and I have not learned a social script to handle this when I get it wrong in smaller ways. Ultimately though I think it’s also just a terrible habit that I hope can be broken. I do think it’s fine for me to disagree or even disagree regularly, I just need a better way to do it and a way to remember to put that into practice.
An example from today of what I mean was (on a first date no less, which thankfully otherwise went pretty well because I’m nowhere near as much of a jerk in general as this question makes me sound) - someone telling me they were trying to get into running and me immediately rolling my eyes and saying ‘Ugh, could never be me, that sounds awful I have no idea why anyone would do that’ or something similar. This happens a lot about all sorts of things. It very rarely happens when I know the conversation is about something that’s actually very important to the other person or vulnerable for them to share, it’s something that comes up in casual conversations. I think this is because when I know the conversation is important and I need to tread carefully I am able to slow down and concentrate and do that. I also know how to apologise for it when I mess up in ‘serious’ conversations but not in casual ones. This is a habit that really doesn’t serve me or my relationships or align with my values and I want to be rid of it.
Would love to hear suggestions from people who have dealt with something similar - especially people who get what I mean about the ADHD no filter problem about how they’ve learned to slow down, think before they speak and figure out what they’re trying to communicate before opening their mouths in every conversation. I’ve heard the ‘is it true, is it kind, does it need to be said’ etc list, but if I tried to run through those questions before every casual statement or reply to something someone said I think it would lead to a lot of weird and awkward pauses for me, since that’s just not how my brain works when it comes to speech. Is there a quicker version? How do I acknowledge and/or apologise for it in everyday examples similar to the one above in a way that isn’t too intense for the situation? Or alternatively I would appreciate recommended resources or advice about active listening in casual small talk type conversations (again something I’m fairly good at if it’s ‘serious’ and bad at if it’s ‘not’) since I think this is part of the problem. I do recognise that part of the root of this is that I should be treating every conversation as though it matters because the person I’m talking to matters and having more genuine curiosity about other peoples’ perspectives. I’m looking for techniques and advice to help me put that into practice.
I suppose I'd just consider where you want the conversation to go. The problem with the "no but" is that there's nowhere else to go. Okay, you think running sucks and you could never do it... how did you want the other person to reply? Did you want them to agree? Disagree? Did you want to have a debate about the values of running? Do you prefer Pilates instead? Maybe think about where you want the conversation to go.
posted by VirginiaPlain at 7:55 PM on March 3 [8 favorites]
posted by VirginiaPlain at 7:55 PM on March 3 [8 favorites]
Best answer: Breathe in, "Huh!" noise, at least one question *about the other person's take*, by the end of that your larger intentions might have kicked in?
I am much less funny this way but so much less unkind.
posted by clew at 8:11 PM on March 3 [17 favorites]
I am much less funny this way but so much less unkind.
posted by clew at 8:11 PM on March 3 [17 favorites]
Best answer: Asking questions is often more successful than making comments. It shows interest in the other person and shows that you're curious and engaged. If you stick to neutral/positive questions like "When did you get into x?" it's hard to go wrong.
A lot of this practice comes from doing lots of interviews with musicians and writers and trying to get them to open up and keep talking.
posted by mermaidcafe at 8:25 PM on March 3 [9 favorites]
A lot of this practice comes from doing lots of interviews with musicians and writers and trying to get them to open up and keep talking.
posted by mermaidcafe at 8:25 PM on March 3 [9 favorites]
Adding on VirginiaPlain's comment about being intentional about the direction you want the conversation to go... consider whether or not it is most strategic to return the conversational volley by redirecting the statement to be about yourself (or not).
For instance, you could have said (in some sort of order, where the statements become increasingly more about you):
"Impressive! What inspired you to pick up running?"
"Impressive! How do you stay motivated?
"Impressive! That is something I could never do."
"Impressive! I tried couch to 5k once. I failed miserably."
posted by oceano at 8:27 PM on March 3 [7 favorites]
For instance, you could have said (in some sort of order, where the statements become increasingly more about you):
"Impressive! What inspired you to pick up running?"
"Impressive! How do you stay motivated?
"Impressive! That is something I could never do."
"Impressive! I tried couch to 5k once. I failed miserably."
posted by oceano at 8:27 PM on March 3 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Autistic person here. The fact that you are aware you're doing this is a huge advantage, even if your in the moment awareness usually only kicks in a fraction too late to stop you from doing this.
Noting, unjudgementally, whenever you catch yourself doing this, helps a lot.
Some things to keep in mind:
As a neurodivergent person, you're very likely dealing with Rejection Sensitivity, which means that your response to any kind of scolding or criticism is way, way stronger than most people's.
So it's likely that you're overestimating the impact of *your* dismissive words, because you're judging them according to how you would have felt if you were on the receiving end.
Just keep that fact in mind, and keep an eye on how much you're beating yourself up for a relatively small miss step that might very well only be a miss step from your own point of view.
Be aware of how much you're ruminating about social interactions after they're over, how much you rehearse them before they happen.
Doing those things to excess are a sign of heightened anxiety. Do what you can to interrupt that tendency. Journal about these embarrassing moments if you need to, or talk out loud to yourself, carefully explaining the situation, or find another way to process.
Give yourself some grace and remember that most other people will too.
posted by Zumbador at 8:37 PM on March 3 [11 favorites]
Noting, unjudgementally, whenever you catch yourself doing this, helps a lot.
Some things to keep in mind:
As a neurodivergent person, you're very likely dealing with Rejection Sensitivity, which means that your response to any kind of scolding or criticism is way, way stronger than most people's.
So it's likely that you're overestimating the impact of *your* dismissive words, because you're judging them according to how you would have felt if you were on the receiving end.
Just keep that fact in mind, and keep an eye on how much you're beating yourself up for a relatively small miss step that might very well only be a miss step from your own point of view.
Be aware of how much you're ruminating about social interactions after they're over, how much you rehearse them before they happen.
Doing those things to excess are a sign of heightened anxiety. Do what you can to interrupt that tendency. Journal about these embarrassing moments if you need to, or talk out loud to yourself, carefully explaining the situation, or find another way to process.
Give yourself some grace and remember that most other people will too.
posted by Zumbador at 8:37 PM on March 3 [11 favorites]
Best answer: Therapist and teacher trick: "Tell me more about that." Can be used as a save ("Ugh, that sounds awful. SO! Apparently I'm missing something. Tell me more!") but I have found that I have been able to remind myself, over time, to deploy it immediately after noticing my brain just got judgemental.
posted by lapis at 8:38 PM on March 3 [20 favorites]
posted by lapis at 8:38 PM on March 3 [20 favorites]
Best answer: One thing I try to prevent interrupting sometimes is to put a finger over my lips, almost like a holding chin and thinking gesture. That gives me more ability somehow to focus on signs that it's my turn to say things and think about what I want to say. Doing the finger thing reminds me that I have something to say, while allowing me to reflect on it.
You might have more success combatting this by developing counteracting habits. It might be harder to just stop yourself from saying a dismissive thing than to instead try to get into the habit of saying some affirming things. These don't have to be inauthentic, perhaps asking questions is the best one. Like "what do you like most about running" or "what do you think that will be like" or "have you tried that before" etc. You can practice these and keep them on hand for situations where you are not intrinsically interested in the thing someone is talking about and are liable to say something that may give the wrong impression to them if you say the first honest thing that comes to mind. Even if you sometimes say dismissive things, the overall effect might be better where you also have said some of these things.
Lastly, do something about it after it happens. Saying something you wish you hadn't is maybe the most AuDHD experience there is. But it doesn't need to be a big deal, if you wish you hadn't said something you can say like "sorry I shouldn't have said x, I hope that didn't come across as y, can you tell me more about z?"
This works great as one tool for dealing with interrupting as well, after you've done it, acknowledge it and pass the baton back to the person who was speaking, like "sorry I interrupted you there, you were saying x?" Or just "go ahead".
posted by lookoutbelow at 8:43 PM on March 3 [10 favorites]
You might have more success combatting this by developing counteracting habits. It might be harder to just stop yourself from saying a dismissive thing than to instead try to get into the habit of saying some affirming things. These don't have to be inauthentic, perhaps asking questions is the best one. Like "what do you like most about running" or "what do you think that will be like" or "have you tried that before" etc. You can practice these and keep them on hand for situations where you are not intrinsically interested in the thing someone is talking about and are liable to say something that may give the wrong impression to them if you say the first honest thing that comes to mind. Even if you sometimes say dismissive things, the overall effect might be better where you also have said some of these things.
Lastly, do something about it after it happens. Saying something you wish you hadn't is maybe the most AuDHD experience there is. But it doesn't need to be a big deal, if you wish you hadn't said something you can say like "sorry I shouldn't have said x, I hope that didn't come across as y, can you tell me more about z?"
This works great as one tool for dealing with interrupting as well, after you've done it, acknowledge it and pass the baton back to the person who was speaking, like "sorry I interrupted you there, you were saying x?" Or just "go ahead".
posted by lookoutbelow at 8:43 PM on March 3 [10 favorites]
Also, I second Zumbador concerning being aware of how much the problem is being hard on yourself and mind-reading vs actually hurting someone's feelings. I have the same problem of being hypersensitive so I assume things I say affect others in the irrational way they affect me. If you can get feedback from trusted folks who know you well on how much this is happening that could be helpful.
posted by lookoutbelow at 8:47 PM on March 3 [2 favorites]
posted by lookoutbelow at 8:47 PM on March 3 [2 favorites]
I would suggest analyzing the ways and techniques of good conversationalists in your life. What can you learn from them?
posted by oceano at 9:46 PM on March 3
posted by oceano at 9:46 PM on March 3
Best answer: Sounds like the advice you're giving yourself is often either too complex or about what NOT to do, both of which are tough to process in the moment.
The issue with your example reaction here isn't just that it's negative - it's that it's only about you, and not at all about the other person. You want to aim for more of a focus on the other person when they're talking about themselves. Yes, that means more questions or prompts to continue, but following a script will make you sound stilted. Instead, consider this internal goal: be curious.
It's tough to remember, so leave yourself reminders. Maybe the words "BE CURIOUS" are on your phone lock screen. Or a sticky note above your computer. That way, you'll get frequent reminders for calls and Zooms, and that practice will become habitual enough that it will trickle into your in-person convos too. If all else fails, write it on the back of your hand. Be curious! Good luck!
posted by equipoise at 10:45 PM on March 3 [5 favorites]
The issue with your example reaction here isn't just that it's negative - it's that it's only about you, and not at all about the other person. You want to aim for more of a focus on the other person when they're talking about themselves. Yes, that means more questions or prompts to continue, but following a script will make you sound stilted. Instead, consider this internal goal: be curious.
It's tough to remember, so leave yourself reminders. Maybe the words "BE CURIOUS" are on your phone lock screen. Or a sticky note above your computer. That way, you'll get frequent reminders for calls and Zooms, and that practice will become habitual enough that it will trickle into your in-person convos too. If all else fails, write it on the back of your hand. Be curious! Good luck!
posted by equipoise at 10:45 PM on March 3 [5 favorites]
Best answer: To be equally blunt: value your own opinion less.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:03 PM on March 3 [12 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:03 PM on March 3 [12 favorites]
Best answer: Who said this, can’t remember - but what people remember most about you is how you make them feel. Try to remember (sorry if this is obvious! Reminding you because sometimes it helps to make things explicit) that most people want to feel good about themselves and what they’re doing.
Some people are naturally more expressive and ebullient, and sure, quicker on this. If you’re not used to expressing positive sentiments, it can be done, just takes practice, like anything. It’s not natural for me either, I’m more of an observer than a communicator, and sort of a “troubleshooter” or worst case scenario person - which is good in that it helps me feel prepared, but yeah it’s a certain way of approaching the world, looking for what could go wrong instead of celebrating what is right, or could be right from someone else’s perspective, or investing in how people feel (in the first instance).
You can do be positive and other-focused and still be genuine - like with your example, maybe you could say “wow, good for you! (Positive vibes there to make them feel validated/good) That’s a real commitment (objectively true). Couldn’t do it myself (there’s your natural, genuine response), seems hard (true from your POV), how did you get into it?” (Maybe you’ll learn something here, also gives your friend the floor to share their experience and feel good). It’s not fake, it’s just adding more info to your natural response that has the aim of connecting vs “being truthful”.
Don’t worry, this can totally be learned if you make it important and you’ll get better at it the more you do it.
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:46 AM on March 4 [6 favorites]
Some people are naturally more expressive and ebullient, and sure, quicker on this. If you’re not used to expressing positive sentiments, it can be done, just takes practice, like anything. It’s not natural for me either, I’m more of an observer than a communicator, and sort of a “troubleshooter” or worst case scenario person - which is good in that it helps me feel prepared, but yeah it’s a certain way of approaching the world, looking for what could go wrong instead of celebrating what is right, or could be right from someone else’s perspective, or investing in how people feel (in the first instance).
You can do be positive and other-focused and still be genuine - like with your example, maybe you could say “wow, good for you! (Positive vibes there to make them feel validated/good) That’s a real commitment (objectively true). Couldn’t do it myself (there’s your natural, genuine response), seems hard (true from your POV), how did you get into it?” (Maybe you’ll learn something here, also gives your friend the floor to share their experience and feel good). It’s not fake, it’s just adding more info to your natural response that has the aim of connecting vs “being truthful”.
Don’t worry, this can totally be learned if you make it important and you’ll get better at it the more you do it.
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:46 AM on March 4 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Yeah, it's a habit - just one of being visibly dismissive of things you're not into.
So practice with a friend, like you're working on a stand-up comedy routine, where your friend just pretends to have more and more outlandish hobbies or suggests things that *you* won't like, and practice talking about them in ways that are funny, that let everyone know you're not into them, but are still supportive!
Like, practice the running one, you could be just as quick, but have gone " haha, omg that's amazing, I couldn't do running, I would die etc" and as long as the only one you make fun of is yourself, not the other person, well, while there's more to it than that that's enough to not have it go entirely badly.
But I think pretend practice is gonna be the best thing to rewire those unconscious conversation patterns. Have your friend's suggest all sorts of ideas that you would hate (or that your dad would!) and just to practice coming up with replies that are still supportive of the other person.
Even just having some very rote, cliche ,pat answers to things you aren't into, will be *better* than falling back on your father's habit of being dismissive -
You'd enjoy that more than I would!
There's all types of people, blah blah blah
Practice until you've got some rote answers, because you're not actually intending on being mean, it's just that your current rote answers aren't great.
posted by Elysum at 1:43 AM on March 4 [13 favorites]
So practice with a friend, like you're working on a stand-up comedy routine, where your friend just pretends to have more and more outlandish hobbies or suggests things that *you* won't like, and practice talking about them in ways that are funny, that let everyone know you're not into them, but are still supportive!
Like, practice the running one, you could be just as quick, but have gone " haha, omg that's amazing, I couldn't do running, I would die etc" and as long as the only one you make fun of is yourself, not the other person, well, while there's more to it than that that's enough to not have it go entirely badly.
But I think pretend practice is gonna be the best thing to rewire those unconscious conversation patterns. Have your friend's suggest all sorts of ideas that you would hate (or that your dad would!) and just to practice coming up with replies that are still supportive of the other person.
Even just having some very rote, cliche ,pat answers to things you aren't into, will be *better* than falling back on your father's habit of being dismissive -
You'd enjoy that more than I would!
There's all types of people, blah blah blah
Practice until you've got some rote answers, because you're not actually intending on being mean, it's just that your current rote answers aren't great.
posted by Elysum at 1:43 AM on March 4 [13 favorites]
Best answer: I’ve heard the ‘is it true, is it kind, does it need to be said’ etc list, but if I tried to run through those questions before every casual statement or reply to something someone said I think it would lead to a lot of weird and awkward pauses for me, since that’s just not how my brain works when it comes to speech. Is there a quicker version?
When I need a quicker version of this kind of thing, I just make one up. There's no reason why the Germans should retain their language's notorious monopoly on That One Word That Means Exactly That One Thing, especially if the word concerned is for internal use only.
So maybe instead of having to run through all of "is it true, is it kind, does it need to be said, does it need to be said by me, does it need to be said right now?" you could just think "mean?" instead. I wouldn't expect the resulting pause to be anywhere near as perceptible.
posted by flabdablet at 3:05 AM on March 4 [2 favorites]
When I need a quicker version of this kind of thing, I just make one up. There's no reason why the Germans should retain their language's notorious monopoly on That One Word That Means Exactly That One Thing, especially if the word concerned is for internal use only.
So maybe instead of having to run through all of "is it true, is it kind, does it need to be said, does it need to be said by me, does it need to be said right now?" you could just think "mean?" instead. I wouldn't expect the resulting pause to be anywhere near as perceptible.
posted by flabdablet at 3:05 AM on March 4 [2 favorites]
Learning about Nonviolent Communication (NVC) has helped me with this.
posted by fridgebuzz at 3:08 AM on March 4 [2 favorites]
posted by fridgebuzz at 3:08 AM on March 4 [2 favorites]
Best answer: You commented about the “no, but” instinct and “yes, and” that you think might be better. Would you be open to taking an introductory improv class? In such a setting you practice “yes, and” many times over and over in what is actually a safe space. You could explore how that feels for you to do it a lot and perhaps work out what is going on for you when you default to “no”.
If you are neurodiverse I would ask around for an improv class which is neurodiversity-friendly as whilst improv is a lot of fun it is challenging and I would imagine could be hellish if neurodivergence wasn’t acknowledged and catered for. I am not neurodivergent myself so this addendum is speculation but I have taken improv and had a lot of anxiety at the time. I managed but it was challenging for me.
posted by Erinaceus europaeus at 7:27 AM on March 4 [2 favorites]
If you are neurodiverse I would ask around for an improv class which is neurodiversity-friendly as whilst improv is a lot of fun it is challenging and I would imagine could be hellish if neurodivergence wasn’t acknowledged and catered for. I am not neurodivergent myself so this addendum is speculation but I have taken improv and had a lot of anxiety at the time. I managed but it was challenging for me.
posted by Erinaceus europaeus at 7:27 AM on March 4 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks so much for all these really useful and practical responses, I really appreciate all the insight and I’m very glad I asked this question. I’m currently formulating a strategy which has a mix of elements in the responses I’ve best answered, have discussed this with someone close to me and got some valuable feedback and have set my phone lock screen to say ‘be curious’. As a sidenote I have actually asked someone I know who does improv about recommendations for classes so I can make positive use of my quick thinking and sense of humour (which is an important element of this as clew noted! most often when I say something without thinking it comes out funny rather than mean!) while also building the skill of collaborating verbally and working on my instinct to be negative - that was a really good idea! Metafilter is great :)
posted by chives at 8:18 AM on March 4 [6 favorites]
posted by chives at 8:18 AM on March 4 [6 favorites]
Something like “yeah?” Or “really?” Could be a simple way to move the conversation forward without getting stuck.
From your explanation I’m not sure if this is bothering anyone else as much as it bothers you. The fact that it bothers you is enough reason to work on it, for sure, but how many people have mentioned that this bothered them? Or reacted to it in a way that suggested hurt or offense?
I have habits inherited from my mother that really bother me, but a therapist once pointed out to me that the words that can be very hurtful for a child to hear from a parent might be rather mild in an adult-to-adult conversation.
posted by bunderful at 8:19 AM on March 4 [2 favorites]
From your explanation I’m not sure if this is bothering anyone else as much as it bothers you. The fact that it bothers you is enough reason to work on it, for sure, but how many people have mentioned that this bothered them? Or reacted to it in a way that suggested hurt or offense?
I have habits inherited from my mother that really bother me, but a therapist once pointed out to me that the words that can be very hurtful for a child to hear from a parent might be rather mild in an adult-to-adult conversation.
posted by bunderful at 8:19 AM on March 4 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I want to mention two approaches that worked for me to similarly improve some conversational habits.
One was mindfulness meditation, which generally helped with impulsivity. It helped me feel like time slowed down between stimulus and response in the midst of conversation, and helped me choose a different response instead of my first reflexive reply.
Another was to spend time (several weeks) at a retreat among people who had all agreed to follow certain social rules including "no feigned surprise" and "no well-actuallys". And all of us felt empowered to say to anyone else, quickly and a bit nonchalantly, “Hey, that was a well-actually,” or “That’s kind of feigned surprise, don’t you think?” And the other person said sorry, and moved on. We trained each other. So if you want, you could talk with your friends and ask them to give you a nudge if you're doing the thing, just as they'd give you a heads-up if you had spinach between your teeth or your trousers' zipper was unzipped. And if they have trouble with something similar, you could help them, too.
I like how the social rules distill down a discouraging behavior into something that's easy to check for, like the phrase "well actually". So maybe the thing you want to train into yourself as a new habit, and maybe get friends' help checking for, is something like a particular tone or subvocalization like "ugh", or interruption, or sweeping generalizations that have words like "always" and "never", or something else.
Also: over time I bet you have learned other good conversational habits to replace bad ones. How'd you do that? If you think back, maybe you have a technique that works, and you can copy it.
posted by brainwane at 11:01 AM on March 4 [5 favorites]
One was mindfulness meditation, which generally helped with impulsivity. It helped me feel like time slowed down between stimulus and response in the midst of conversation, and helped me choose a different response instead of my first reflexive reply.
Another was to spend time (several weeks) at a retreat among people who had all agreed to follow certain social rules including "no feigned surprise" and "no well-actuallys". And all of us felt empowered to say to anyone else, quickly and a bit nonchalantly, “Hey, that was a well-actually,” or “That’s kind of feigned surprise, don’t you think?” And the other person said sorry, and moved on. We trained each other. So if you want, you could talk with your friends and ask them to give you a nudge if you're doing the thing, just as they'd give you a heads-up if you had spinach between your teeth or your trousers' zipper was unzipped. And if they have trouble with something similar, you could help them, too.
I like how the social rules distill down a discouraging behavior into something that's easy to check for, like the phrase "well actually". So maybe the thing you want to train into yourself as a new habit, and maybe get friends' help checking for, is something like a particular tone or subvocalization like "ugh", or interruption, or sweeping generalizations that have words like "always" and "never", or something else.
Also: over time I bet you have learned other good conversational habits to replace bad ones. How'd you do that? If you think back, maybe you have a technique that works, and you can copy it.
posted by brainwane at 11:01 AM on March 4 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I have ADHD as well and am both prone to this kind of conversational reflex and simultaneously find it deeply hurtful from other people (especially when it's about something important to me).
To avoid acting like this, I've mostly just worked to cultivate deeper empathy and consciousness of this tic--and also just taking a breath after someone speaks and working not express my opinions/judgments of it immediately (or at all). And yes, strenuous apologies when I observe myself doing it, which tends to mitigate the harm.
Also, stimulant therapy has helped a ton in helping me not let my tongue outrun my brain.
posted by lizard2590 at 12:30 PM on March 4 [2 favorites]
To avoid acting like this, I've mostly just worked to cultivate deeper empathy and consciousness of this tic--and also just taking a breath after someone speaks and working not express my opinions/judgments of it immediately (or at all). And yes, strenuous apologies when I observe myself doing it, which tends to mitigate the harm.
Also, stimulant therapy has helped a ton in helping me not let my tongue outrun my brain.
posted by lizard2590 at 12:30 PM on March 4 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Quick answer: "Oh, nice!" goes a long way when you're not sure what else to say and want to be positive.
Long answer: Let's talk about insecurities and negativity towards self and others.
I have a friend/ex who lets his own insecurities get in the way of being supportive. I notice in your comment about running, your reaction was perhaps coming from a place of feeling insecure and judged. Maybe something like, "This person is trying to get into running; I don't run and could never run and failed the first few times I tried. They might think I'm not a good person to date if they know I'm terrible at running; they might judge me as lazy or out of shape."
The eyeroll is also a form of communication. My friend/ex did eyerolls a lot, both in person and in emoji. It was only when we had known each other for a long time that we finally figured out that he was reflecting his insecurities onto me, in a way that made me feel judged, even though he was feeling self-critical.
One thing I really want to encourage you to do is work to purge the eyeroll from your repertoire of appropriate facial responses. There may be rare occasions when it is okay, but in general it's an expression of irritation and contempt. In this case, the irritation sounds like it was at yourself, but your conversation partner likely doesn't know that, especially if you don't know them well. With my friend, he basically just learned to stop doing it.
In the bigger picture: one thing that can help is trying to purge this kind of negativity from your conversations as a whole. A friend of mine asked his other men friends to stop razzing each other negatively (mean-spirited teasing) around him, and it turned out that they decided to stop doing it in general, and it became a really good thing for their friendships and friend group as a whole.
Removing this kind of knee jerk negative reaction and criticism from our interactions with other people can also be a step towards treating ourselves more kindly too.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:19 PM on March 4 [7 favorites]
Long answer: Let's talk about insecurities and negativity towards self and others.
I have a friend/ex who lets his own insecurities get in the way of being supportive. I notice in your comment about running, your reaction was perhaps coming from a place of feeling insecure and judged. Maybe something like, "This person is trying to get into running; I don't run and could never run and failed the first few times I tried. They might think I'm not a good person to date if they know I'm terrible at running; they might judge me as lazy or out of shape."
The eyeroll is also a form of communication. My friend/ex did eyerolls a lot, both in person and in emoji. It was only when we had known each other for a long time that we finally figured out that he was reflecting his insecurities onto me, in a way that made me feel judged, even though he was feeling self-critical.
One thing I really want to encourage you to do is work to purge the eyeroll from your repertoire of appropriate facial responses. There may be rare occasions when it is okay, but in general it's an expression of irritation and contempt. In this case, the irritation sounds like it was at yourself, but your conversation partner likely doesn't know that, especially if you don't know them well. With my friend, he basically just learned to stop doing it.
In the bigger picture: one thing that can help is trying to purge this kind of negativity from your conversations as a whole. A friend of mine asked his other men friends to stop razzing each other negatively (mean-spirited teasing) around him, and it turned out that they decided to stop doing it in general, and it became a really good thing for their friendships and friend group as a whole.
Removing this kind of knee jerk negative reaction and criticism from our interactions with other people can also be a step towards treating ourselves more kindly too.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:19 PM on March 4 [7 favorites]
Best answer: There are some great answers here.
There's evidence that it's much easier to build a new habit than to stop an existing habit - so replacing it with a new habit is likely to be much more effective than focusing on stopping.
This has the added benefit of being easier - if you focus on how you'd LIKE to respond, in all kinds of situations, you can even skip the steps of evaluating whether something is true/kind/needs to be said (or even flabdablet's excellent short form of just "mean?") - instead, you can have a pre-prepared response that you feel good about.
So rather than focusing on what you want to avoid, maybe think about what you DO want to do, how you would like to come across. And in fact, you said it right at the start of your question: you'd like to be "more kind and open to what the other person is saying."
So make a short list of things that would be kind to say, and a short list of things that would express interest in what the other person was saying.
lapis's "Tell me more about that" is great.
Other things you could say that would be kind and open:
That's so interesting. What got you interested in running?
How often do you go running?
What do you like best about running?
If you focus on establishing a new habit of asking people to elaborate, that will replace the reactions you don't feel good about.
I hope that's helpful. It's so great that you want to be a kind and encouraging in conversations. I wish more people chose to make the effort to be kind and open to other people.
posted by kristi at 2:14 PM on March 4 [3 favorites]
There's evidence that it's much easier to build a new habit than to stop an existing habit - so replacing it with a new habit is likely to be much more effective than focusing on stopping.
This has the added benefit of being easier - if you focus on how you'd LIKE to respond, in all kinds of situations, you can even skip the steps of evaluating whether something is true/kind/needs to be said (or even flabdablet's excellent short form of just "mean?") - instead, you can have a pre-prepared response that you feel good about.
So rather than focusing on what you want to avoid, maybe think about what you DO want to do, how you would like to come across. And in fact, you said it right at the start of your question: you'd like to be "more kind and open to what the other person is saying."
So make a short list of things that would be kind to say, and a short list of things that would express interest in what the other person was saying.
lapis's "Tell me more about that" is great.
Other things you could say that would be kind and open:
That's so interesting. What got you interested in running?
How often do you go running?
What do you like best about running?
If you focus on establishing a new habit of asking people to elaborate, that will replace the reactions you don't feel good about.
I hope that's helpful. It's so great that you want to be a kind and encouraging in conversations. I wish more people chose to make the effort to be kind and open to other people.
posted by kristi at 2:14 PM on March 4 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Not to thread sit - just to come in and say in case it’s useful for someone reading this in the future or others who might have similar problems - that bluedaisy is absolutely on the money about the reasons behind this behaviour in my case and that’s also the feedback I got from the trusted person I consulted. I have hangups about weight and diet and exercise, I assumed in the microsecond I took to respond that what ‘I’d like to get into running’ really meant was ‘I’m trying to lose weight because fat people are terrible and you should lose weight too’ - which is a completely wild assumption to make in this case and would definitely not have stood up to a slow breath and an ‘oh nice!’s worth of reflection time. Really appreciate everyone taking the time to come in with such great advice about this, will refrain from commenting any further but thank you all!
posted by chives at 2:38 PM on March 4 [11 favorites]
posted by chives at 2:38 PM on March 4 [11 favorites]
Best answer: "It's not all about me" is one of the most liberating things it's possible for a person to understand.
posted by flabdablet at 9:24 PM on March 4 [4 favorites]
posted by flabdablet at 9:24 PM on March 4 [4 favorites]
Something that helped me is counting the "Yes, but" sentence starters in others, just observing. It's harrowing how many conversations are simply "Yes, but" - back and forth. I also counted for myself and often gave myself a limit of 5 instances per hour, or whatever.
It really helped me to read and re-read the book "I Hear You", which has more practical tips and is also interesting because it talks about why people want to be heard and what to do if you really want to give advice.
posted by toucan at 3:35 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]
It really helped me to read and re-read the book "I Hear You", which has more practical tips and is also interesting because it talks about why people want to be heard and what to do if you really want to give advice.
posted by toucan at 3:35 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]
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With people you know better/trust, I think it could be worthwhile to tell them it's something you're working on. For what it's worth, I think it's great that you are. Good luck!
posted by Eyelash at 7:53 PM on March 3 [20 favorites]