AITA: Housewarming confusion
November 16, 2024 12:50 PM   Subscribe

I have two separate set of friends who I might have messed up with, or at least had a misunderstanding. I'm feeling disheartened: all I wanted to do was have a nice housewarming party. Now I just feel hurt and lost motivation.

Friends A:

Friends A are not friends with Friend Z (who were also invited). Friend Z said they might come, so I explained to Friends A that Friends Z might go, and asked them if they felt comfortable with the idea; if not, then we could do something else separately. I did not hear back from Friends A, and I sent them a picture of me taking cancer treatments the next day (as I do each time) and still no response. The housewarming party came and go with no response still. I followed up and explained that I wasn't sure if they were coming or not, as I had to plan logistics and figure out parking, food, etc. They finally replied and said as Friend Z was coming, they went ahead and made other plans (without me knowing). They said they weren't sure how to respond, so didn't respond. I invited them to my 2nd housewarming party (I'm hosting two, as some people couldn't make it) and made it clear that Friend Z would not be going. While I understand Friends A didn't feel comfortable going because Friend Z was going (which Friend Z ended up not going anyway; I had said "maybe", not definite), I felt hurt and lost and wasn't sure what was happening, and they were giving me the silent treatment. (To give some context, it's the same friends from this post.)

Friend B:

Friend B lives closer to the city, so I asked if he might be able to pick up Friend G, maybe meeting up at a central point (to make things easier on B) then driving together. Friend B seemed fine with that, and was also coming with Friend C. I didn't hear from Friend G until today, who confirmed he was interested in going, but explained he had an event afterwards. I texted Friend B and asked him if he was willing to pick up Friend C at the central point (as we had previously discussed), and friend B abruptly said no, said he had plans with friend G before coming to my place. I was a bit thrown off because he had originally said he would be willing to help chauffeur my friends (in his words), so I asked for clarification. His response was also abrupt and said he was willing to help chauffeur that specific friend, but he wasn't open to other requests and other times. While I can understand that, his approach was harsh and kind of rude, and conflicted with what he originally said (willing to help chauffeur my friends) - bold for emphasis. It might have had been the earlier time (1 hour) but Friend B wasn't clear and seemed mad, so I just backed off. I do feel hurt by his approach and felt like I did something wrong, but he did originally seem fine with helping drive any of my friends from the city in the first place originally, hence the "friendS"). I did clarify that Friend G was the same friend he was willing to chauffeur, then said Friend G would have to find another way, as I didn't want to press the matter. Friend B is the same friend as this post, for context. Things has been perfectly fine between us up to this point.

I just feel hurt by those friends, but AITA? Did I do something wrong here? I promise you, I'm not trying to control anyone.
posted by dubious_dude to Human Relations (29 answers total)
 
You're not being TA, but are are making a lot of assumptions that don't need to be made.

Situation A seems to be an understandable, common problem with planning and ambiguity when there aren't RSVP-type expectations. This was a communications misfire, and it's difficult to go beyond that with the information you have available. It's fair to feel sad, hurt, disappointed. I don't think it's enough to assume that this was intentional stonewalling. It is, however, legitimate if you'd like to try to talk to them about the situation to try to clear the air. If you get more information, maybe you can find out if there's more detail that's important to them that might change the story or, alternately, more reason to consider this an intentional absence of communication.

As for B, I think you've misinterpreted an offer someone made and you're relying on your interpretation rather than their clarification. A statement referring to friends, plural, is not what I would consider an open invitation. A singular friend of yours is one of your friends, plural. I suggest a better way to approach these expectations is to refrain from assigning contempt when there is miscommunication. Again, it's fair and fine to feel hurt and sad, but you don't have enough information to justify placing blame. I don't know if it's worth seeking that information, or if it's better to simply try to communicate more, about this and otherwise, so there's more information and less need to assume or interpret meaning.

That might be a good way to think of all of these situations. You've described a lot of what I'd call interior monologue, which is fine for thinking about scenarios but is not the same as confirming an interior monologue with some real dialogue. These are your friends. Talk to them.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 1:06 PM on November 16, 2024 [4 favorites]


I promise you, I'm not trying to control anyone.
If you weren't trying to control anyone, then you wouldn't keep on asking the same type of question.
posted by saturdaymornings at 1:12 PM on November 16, 2024 [59 favorites]


Friend A wasn't "giving you the silent treatment", they were living their life. They don't owe you an explanation. In the future you need to anticipate that not everyone is going to be as responsive to your requests as you want them to be and absorb that into your party planning.

Friend B made a generous offer that you turned into an obligation by telling them what to do and treating them like a taxi service. His response was understandable. This same friend has told you before that he is avoidant and an introvert. If you want to keep him as a friend, you need to learn to stop pushing him.

A good response to both of these situations would have been, "OK, no problem, see you at the party". That's all you need.
posted by fight or flight at 1:27 PM on November 16, 2024 [20 favorites]


I don't think you're an asshole, but I do think you'd probably benefit from trying to manage all of your friends less, and just let the cards fall where they may. For example, I don't understand why you'd even reach out to Friend A in the first place. So they don't like Friend Z. It's not your job to play interference for them - if their attendance is contingent on Z not being there, that's on them to ask you. But also, part of being an adult is sometimes being at a party with someone you don't like, and just not making a big deal about it (assuming nothing abusive or traumatic happened between them). As for friend B, why are you liaising between different friends and planning their carpooling - if Friend B offered, great, then I'd follow up the offer by saying "Is it cool if I just tell people to call you?" and then let them sort of the details of carpooling. TL:DR - you have a pattern of making logistical arrangements with friends more complicated then they need to be, and then getting upset when things divert from what you thought was an agreed plan but what was really more fluid/tentative.
posted by coffeecat at 1:31 PM on November 16, 2024 [38 favorites]


making logistical arrangements with friends more complicated then they need to be, and then getting upset when things divert from what you thought was an agreed plan

I used to do this and it took me a couple of decades (!) to work out that I cannot control other people's behaviours and I should not try to. I used to think I was being 'helpful' doing the 'organising' of people. Then I reflected and realised that I was really trying to control an outcome due to my anxiety/audhd.

A couple of aphorisms I find useful are:
No good deed goes unpunished
- don't go out of your way to do 'helping' things involving other people to achieve an outcome that you want, without their explicit buy-in.
Not my circus, not my monkeys
- let other people deal with their own life. Let them make their own arrangements unless they explicitly ask for help.

If you do find yourself still doing these things, let go of expectations around the outcome.
posted by Thella at 1:58 PM on November 16, 2024 [14 favorites]


For Friends A, the lack of response was the response. You weren’t an asshole but you are taking “friend didn’t RSVP, which is mildly annoying” too personally.

For friend B, you are way more involved than you need to be here. The very most you needed to do here was give G and B each other’s contact information and then trust that they are all adults who can work out their own arrangements. Asking them to bring other people too or getting involved in how and when and where the pickups happen was too much. It doesn’t sound like your friend was rude - you asked him to do an inconvenient thing and he said no and clearly let you know what he *was* willing to do.
posted by Stacey at 3:05 PM on November 16, 2024 [4 favorites]


I think that both stories have in common that you try to control something no one can control, that is other people.
I say this as someone who has been exactly in this spot: worrying about having invited two incompatible people to my Party. Arranging rides for people and getting entangled in complex conflicting schedules. Etc.
I don't believe you are an ah. I think that, like me, you try to survive as best as you can, and perhaps also like me you think that making all these arrangements is the right thing. But truth is, it is not helpful.

Like Thella, i only quite recently, this last winter, understood that my impulses to organise and be helpful were in fact not at all useful. Not for me and not those around me.
I have a very strong drive to control all circumstances around me. And i thought i was doing the right thing. But i finally realised this past winter that i need to let go. I have this need to control because it is terrifying not to know how people will act/react. It is very scary but also freeing. When i manage to let go good things happen. Now i try and deal with the underlying anxiety in me rather than attempting to control all circumstances around me. It is a challenge but give it a try at the next party: send out the invitations and then leave it. There still may be drama, but it wont be of your making.
Wishing you all the best,
posted by 15L06 at 3:24 PM on November 16, 2024 [6 favorites]


My interpretation is that Friend B was already a little peeved when he said he was "willing to help chauffeur your friends". The word "chauffeur" implies an employee or servant.

If he'd said "I'm willing to give G a ride" or "I'm willing to carpool with G", that sounds more voluntary. This way sounds like he was already frustrated at being treated like a servant, and then he was asked to do even more chauffeuring of more people at less convenient times.

I don't think it is a big deal. A and B have most likely forgotten it, and I encourage you to do the same.
posted by vienna at 3:32 PM on November 16, 2024 [5 favorites]


I think that you get anxious about certain possible outcomes, so you try to interfere. You would be better off letting go and letting the chips fall where they may.

Eg. Maybe you were worried that if your friend didn't get a lift, they wouldn't be able to come. So you tried to organise a lift, but in doing so it would either inconvenience one or two other friends, or put one of them in a position of needing to push back on your request.

In regards to Friend A and Friend Z, maybe you were worried that they wouldn't come to the party if they knew that the other would be there. Or that they would come and not have a good time. But in trying to intervene, Friend A made other plans and Friend Z didn't come anyway. Are Friend A and Friend Z such sworn enemies that they cannot attend the same party and just not interact with each other? If so, I would think that you have bigger concerns than this party invitation. If not, just invite them both to gatherings and let them handle it like adults.

You need to understand that you can't control everything and that certain outcomes are not a negative reflection on you, except where you have interfered and created the negative outcome.

(Edited because autocorrect changed "chips" to "child". Ha!)
posted by kinddieserzeit at 4:11 PM on November 16, 2024 [3 favorites]


Seeking and receiving reassurance makes anxiety worse.
This isn’t helping you dubious_dude.
posted by Iteki at 4:54 PM on November 16, 2024 [36 favorites]


Dude. You gotta chill. In this situation, you send the invite to the group. You include ‘if anyone is able to offer rides from the city or needs a ride from the city I’ll be happy to connect you’. Then you send them each other’s numbers and let them figure it out. You can’t control who does or doesn’t like each other. They can either be adults and decide if they can be cool at a party with someone they don’t like, or not. Throw out the invite and back away.
posted by greta simone at 5:20 PM on November 16, 2024 [20 favorites]


I also tend to accidentally try to control other people. This is what trying to control other people looks like:

I take responsibility for things that are not my responsibility. Like "I want my friends to be happy". Or worrying what other people might think about me or one another. Or thinking that if I just did or say the exact right thing, another person would react in a better way.

I'm not responsible for managing other people's feelings. Beyond the basics of being civil, I don't have that responsibility. Trying to make sure another person is happy, beyond doing the basics of civility, is controlling behaviour.

Your attempts to make sure your friends are looked after and content comes from a place of love, but it also comes from a place of anxiety.

Instead of trusting that your friends can look after their own needs, you are trying to take that agency away from them.

It's possible bad things might happen. People might get upset. They might even unfairly get upset with you.

You can't prevent that. It's outside of your control, and so it's not your responsibility.

How other people feel, and what they think, is outside of your control because you can't control it.

See if you can become aware of the stories you're telling yourself that are driving you to feel compelled to take responsibility for other people's feelings and thoughts.

Are you telling yourself that they will judge you harshly? That they will abandon you, or hurt you?

Gently and with compassion, push back on the stories you tell yourself. "I'm a compassionate, loving person, and I trust my friends to look after themselves, they know better how to do that than I do."
posted by Zumbador at 7:19 PM on November 16, 2024 [12 favorites]


Where I think things got a little derailed in the first situation was the thought that they were giving you the "silent treatment." People can be avoidant without trying to be punitive.

Taking a step back, gently, I knew that this question was yours almost right away. Alongside thinking about "in this particular situation with these particular details, am I right to be feeling what I'm feeling or AITA?" there might be some useful work to do thinking about "what is the common thread between my questions? what are the patterns here and what's behind them?" Of course, the same could probably be said of any of us, and if it's helpful to get replies to specific details, don't let this comment discourage you. :)
posted by slidell at 8:30 PM on November 16, 2024 [1 favorite]


You are trying too hard. Set a date, invite people, let them figure out the logistics/interpersonal drama.
posted by RoseyPosey at 8:41 PM on November 16, 2024 [3 favorites]


Response by poster: Wow. I must say, some of those answers were truly awakening for me.

To go a bit meta — I've been told here, repeatedly, in different Asks, that I'm trying to control people. I was always flummoxed, perplexed, and bothered by that, because my understanding of controlling people is more literal: telling them what to do (ie: "Robert, go wash your hands now, your hands are dirty"; "You need to break up with Marcia, she's not good for you"; or "You need to pick me up at 5pm or I won't be your friend anymore"). Of course, I never do that, and don't like telling people what to do. In fact, that's why I went on the defensive in my Ask, because I was afraid people would tell me I was controlling others, when I was trying to do the opposite.

The way Zumbador and 15L06 explained it really helped me to understand what that means. I think, from my perspective, I was trying to control the outcome of certain situations, but by doing that, yes, it could be constructed that I am trying to control people in a way. Of course, not my intention, but I get it.

I thought I was giving Friend A options, and making sure everything would be coordinated properly with Friend B/G, but in the end, it got complicated.

A bit of background information:

Friends A do have a history of giving the silent treatment when they're mad/upset; they did that with me in the past, and with Friend Z (in fact, that's how Friend Z found out he was no longer considered a friend by them), so sometimes I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with Friends A. It might be culturally unique, but the Deaf community is very small, and I wasn't sure if Friends A felt comfortable with Z being in the same room, hence asking them to make sure of their comfort. I didn't want them to come to my apartment and see Friend Z there and get upset, mad at me, and leave. Yes, in that specific way, it could be me trying to control the situation; but isn't that a good thing? I don't want them to come all the way and get upset/mad/say I should have known better than to invite Friend Z. I'm trying to understand how backing away would benefit that situation, if that makes sense.

For Friend G, he can be kind of a flake, hence I do feel the need to "handhold" the situation a bit so that he will come. Yes, acknowledging that might be a bit controlling on my end, but I just want him here, you know? It would mean a lot to me. Especially with everything with the election, worrying about my job, my health (I could die if I lost my job/insurance, literally—no access to cancer treatments. My life is on the line here). I just want everything to work out. I was mystified/confused when Friend B responded with annoyance. I asked him nicely, I didn't tell him what to do. He was the one who said yes in the first place, so I was just confused.

I really do not intend to control people. I just feel like in my group, I'm doing all the work, and being in control of the situation makes me feel better/more empowered (while making sure my friends aren't feeling controlled/hurt/whatever). I don't know if that makes sense, and I'm not trying to be defensive, just explaining my position. But yes, thanks so much, both of you, for finally explaining what exactly others have had meant by me being controlling. It was always hard to hear, especially as I didn't know what others meant, and I honestly had no idea being controlling was more than just point blank telling people exactly what to do. Sometimes I feel like I can't win (raw, but honest). :(

Are you telling yourself that they will judge you harshly? That they will abandon you, or hurt you?

Yes, I have a fear of being judged harshly. Thank my family in 2002 for thinking I intentionally forgot to print my grandma some photos and for them to gang up/yell at me in front of everyone at the Thanksgiving table and accuse me of fucking doing that on purpose.

My interpretation is that Friend B was already a little peeved when he said he was "willing to help chauffeur your friends". The word "chauffeur" implies an employee or servant.

I didn't even think of that. If so, why didn't Friend B tell me in the first place? I am not a mind reader. God, it's not that hard. "I'm really sorry, but I don't feel up to giving your friends rides. Tell them they need to join someone else or take an Uber. I hope you understand!" See how easy and kind that was. I would have understood and accepted that, no problem.

Then I reflected and realised that I was really trying to control an outcome due to my anxiety/audhd.
Yes, that's me.

This isn’t helping you dubious_dude.

Quite the contrary. I'm learning a lot.
posted by dubious_dude at 8:59 PM on November 16, 2024 [11 favorites]


I'm so confused by the Friend B situation.

1. Friend B: "I'm willing to help chauffeur friends to your party."

2. You: "Great, would you be able to pick up Friend G, and maybe meet at a central point?" [did you ask Friend G first if he needed a ride?]

3. Friend B: "Sure, that seems fine. I'm also coming with Friend C."

4. A few days later (?):

5. Friend G: "Hey I want to come, but I'm going to an event afterwards."

6. You: "Hey Friend B, can you pick up Friend G [you said "asked him if he was willing to pick up Friend C at the central point" - but I think you mean Friend G here?] at the central point like we said earlier?"

7. Friend B: "No, I have plans with Friend C [you said "he had plans with friend G before coming to my place" but I think you mean Friend C here?] before I come to your place"

8. You: "I thought you said you'd be willing to help chauffeur my friends?"

9. Friend B: "I'm willing to help chauffer Friend G, but I'm not open to other requests and other times."

10. You: "Friend G is the person you said you'd be willing to chauffer? Actually don't worry about it, Friend G will find another way."

Based on what you've written here:

2. It seems like you're making decisions for your friends? (I.e. that Friend G will get a ride with Friend B and that you will tell Friend G, hey, Friend B will pick you up at $time and $location. I get you're trying to be nice here, but as others have said, the best way to handle this was to pass on B's info to G so they could coordinate.) But that's not what happened.

5. Friend G then confirms he wants to come. So it sounds like you confirmed ride plans with B (at point 2) before G even confirmed he's coming? And at this point, did you ask G if he needed a ride? Or did you go straight to point 6?

6. What you didn't understand was that those plans were tentative. The idea to meet at the central point was a good idea in theory, but now that it's actually happening, B's like, no, I can't actually do that. You were kind of ordering him around, even if unintentionally, and that's probably why he reacted harshly.

8. I don't love that you said this because instead of letting it go, you're holding him very stringently to what he said, which you have done before with your friends (e.g. what B said about wanting alone time in Maine, and then meeting up with others in your older post). I think this is a function of your anxiety and you trying to control for specific outcomes but what you're not seeing is that you have a tendency to think things are set in stone when they're actually not. Which I know is unnverving for you, as someone who wants to be sure about things.

9. B reacts this way because you referred to "friendS" when you had been specifically only talking about G. So now B feels like you're expecting him to drive around town picking up multiple people. Yes, even though he said at the outset "I'm willing to help chauffer your friendS". I guess you have to be aware that, even if someone makes that type of offer, don't end up treating them like a servant. Don't put undue burdens on people, like deciding where they should meet up, even if you were trying to make things easier for them. This all could have been avoided with saying "G lives near you, I'll see if he needs a ride, and if he does, I'll get him to contact you and you can coordinate." You're trying to do too much for people and then it backfires. Your role is to connect people, not make decisions for them.

So what ended up happening? Was G disappointed that he didn't get a ride with B? Did he find another way to get to your house? Did B and C come? How did the party go?

I think the lesson here is: let people have agency and make their own decisions. Even if G is a flake and you want him at your party. You can facilitate some coordination, but don't handhold. If G is flakey, he's flakey. Yes it's annoying, but this is not something you can control. You were trying to control for this by kind of ordering B around. There is only so much you can do to get G to your party. The rest is up to him.

>why didn't Friend B tell me in the first place?

Who knows. I know you're really into clear communication and sometimes people aren't capable of that. Maybe they don't want to let you down. Maybe people aren't as kind as you. Like I said before in previous posts, you have to recognize your friends for who they are and their flaws. You can't expect everyone to communicate the exact same way as you because they're not you.

With Friends A and Friend Z, there's nothing wrong with saying, "FYI, Z will be there, and if that makes you uncomfy, we can meet another time." Which is what you said and it makes a lot of sense - if you know someone is uncomfy with someone else, then yes, it's a good idea to give them the heads up and let them make a decision about coming.

I think the problem started after that, when A didn't respond, which sucks. I know you like clarity, but you have to learn that no response is a response. Or, if you need a response from them, ask them: "I just wanna confirm numbers, are you coming?" Because you did eventually do that but later than was actually helpful? You say you were hurt and lost – about what specifically? That they didn't respond in a timely manner? That when they did, they said they made other plans? That it feels like you weren't worth a response? Because them not responding doesn't have anything to do with you; it's an annoying habit of theirs. Like you said, they can be kind of non-communicative and you have to adapt to that (which sucks) and not take it personally, and be more communicative with them. Like if you know they have a tendency to not respond, you can interpret that as a no, or you can check in with them. If there's still no response, that's your answer. Yes it's annoying but again, people aren't going to have the same communication style as you.

>I had said "maybe", not definite

It's funny because here you were not being set in stone, and yet A interpreted it as being set in stone.

In the B situation, it sounds like meeting at the central point was a maybe, and yet you expected it to be set in stone. You expect others to take you literally (even when you say "maybe"), just like you take others literally ("I'll chauffeur your friendS"; meeting at the central point seems ok") but the way you do it is kinda self-serving. I would reflect on that.

>being in control of the situation makes me feel better/more empowered

I mean you can organize friend hangouts etc. And you're in control of those events. You're not in control of who shows up and if they have a good time. Give them the time, date, location, a reminder a day or two before, ask them to confirm, but that's all you can do. You put in your best efforts for the things you control (organizing a great event, communicating with people) and the rest is up to them. Even if you did everything wonderfully, people can still be flakey or have things come up and are no-shows and it has nothing to do with you. The issue is when you try to control for certain outcomes. I would really think about "what are the things I can control and what are the things I can't?" When you try to control things you can't, that doesn't feel empowering, does it?

Finally, I'm sorry your family is the source of a lot of trauma for you.
posted by foxjacket at 12:15 AM on November 17, 2024 [2 favorites]


I think, from my perspective, I was trying to control the outcome of certain situations, but by doing that, yes, it could be constructed that I am trying to control people in a way. Of course, not my intention, but I get it.

Yes, you've got it. Being accused of being controlling feels bad, because that seems like something a bully might do, or someone with a lot of power in the relationship. And you're definitely not a bully, and I'm sure you don't feel like you have much power in these relationships.

But you're acting from a place of fear, even if your intentions are loving and generous.

I suspect that you are like me, an anxious person, and very sensitive.
Maybe your friends and family don't always treat you gently and don't see you and sometimes don't make you feel valued for who you are.

If you don't feel entirely safe with a person, or if you've often been hurt, it's hard to be motivated by trust rather than fear.

But if you find yourself in that particular thought spiral, you need to step out of that cycle of fear. Do a reality check. Remind yourself that you can handle distressing emotions and pain. You can cope, even if a situation is unpleasant.
posted by Zumbador at 12:39 AM on November 17, 2024 [7 favorites]


I don't think you are controlling, I think you are trying to be helpful, but it's backfiring and stressing you out. Your friends are all adults. You are not responsible for their feelings, their decisions, or their transportation. You can invite them to a party you are hosting, let them know the date, time, and place and the RSVP date. That's it. It's up to them to decide whether or not to attend and arrange their own transportation. I have some friends who live in another city and don't all get along with each other. I don't try to manage their feelings- if I'm coming to their city I'll plan something and invite everyone I want to see. The decision and responsibility is on them if they want to attend. I got too old and tired to manage everyone else's drama. I suggest you try a similar approach.
posted by emd3737 at 5:12 AM on November 17, 2024 [2 favorites]


Glad to hear you’ve had an aha moment upthread! I can definitely relate to you. I used to do a similar (exhausting) amount of micromanaging my friend’s actions and feelings and (especially) trying to manage how they felt about me.

A couple things helped me curb this behavior:

- dig into control through the lens of impact and intent. Like you, I bristled and doubled down on my attempts to steer outcomes a certain way when I was told I was “controlling”, because that was so not my intent and I thought if I could just be more thoughtful and anticipatory, that everyone would be happy and well accommodated and then they’d see i had no interest in controlling them! But like you, I finally started to see that my literal end goal wasn’t control in a muah-ha-ha Disney villain sense, but it was an impact I inadvertently created. I realized this when I started avoiding friends who treated me how I was treating my friends. I hated the icky feeling of being boxed in with no agency, or held to standards that didn’t make sense to me.

- I had a massive burnout and had to stop doing so much mental work, full stop. I literally didn’t have the energy anymore to micromanage.

- I had to be willing to let some “friends” go. The ones I was kowtowing to the most in particular. Due to the above burnout, it became really clear that I was making their needs more important than mine, and certainly more important than my other friends. It was VERY painful to let go, I’m not going to sugarcoat it. I had to be willing to accept temporary loneliness and feelings of inadequacy. But I’m so so glad I did. I have a much smaller but more authentic group of friends now, including new ones I only had the bandwidth to make because I let go of old ones.

Btw. I have anxiety and autism. Not sharing that because I’m interested in a useless armchair diagnosis, I don’t claim to know what anyone else’s neurotype is. But I’m sharing because my autism diagnosis has REALLY helped me make sense of my penchant for categorical, black and white thinking, and very literal communication with others.

For a long time others and myself only saw me through the lens of “I accidentally control people, which is bad, and therefore I’m bad” - not understanding why I’m that way gave me very few ways to understand myself without “bad” being a factor. Now, I understand that my brain is wired to seek discrete patterns and literal categories - and I either struggle with nuance at baseline, or activate my anxiety to level 1000 by attempting to predict social nuance I don’t totally get because they aren’t categorical or predictable; they are at the behest of others’ agency. (Particular anxiety behaviors = mind-reading, catastrophizing).

I guess what I’m trying to say is, there is literature out there about black and white / categorical / literal ways of thinking and socializing that doesn’t frame it through the lens of “everyone who does this is purposefully manipulative and bad”. And while you may or may not be / identify as autistic, you might (or might not) find that type of literature helpful to understanding yourself. (after all, both autism and anxiety describe outlooks and behaviors that everyone experiences, just with increased frequency or entrenchedness).

Good luck!
posted by seemoorglass at 6:40 AM on November 17, 2024 [8 favorites]


Yes, in that specific way, it could be me trying to control the situation; but isn't that a good thing? I don't want them to come all the way and get upset/mad/say I should have known better than to invite Friend Z. I'm trying to understand how backing away would benefit that situation, if that makes sense.

Well, clearly the work of trying to control the outcome isn't a good thing because it routinely stresses you out and makes you ruminate and feel unloved by your friends. You clearly had a very specific outcome desired with these two housewarming parties. You wanted everyone you invited to come despite various logistical obstacles to that happening, and you wanted everyone to have a perfect experience at your party.

Lots of people find throwing parties stressful, because it's impossible for them to go perfectly. I know I do. Your current strategy is spending a lot of time and energy into making it perfect - which in theory could be OK - my mom is the sort of person who can spend a lot of time on something, and if she fails, she just shrugs it off and truly isn't bothered by it. To her it's just data for how to do better in her next attempt. My dad is the opposite - the more effort he puts into something, the higher the stakes for its success - and the harder he'll take the failure.

So let's say you did what some people have suggested - you invited people to a house party, perhaps using an invite service that lets people see who's RSVP'd. And you ask anyone who can offer rides to let you know, and then you give their number out to anyone who needed a ride and let them sort it out. And then you just focused on planning the food/snacks, etc. What would the worst outcome be? Maybe only a few people would attend? So OK, then you learn that (as people here warned you would likely be the case) that moving from the city/your friends means you'll likely have to be the one traveling to the city to see your friends, and you can't expect them to travel out to see you.

On that note - I do think it's worth pondering, perhaps with your therapist, how much of your reaction here is about your adjustment to your move. Moving is stressful! It always requires a bit of adjustment. You are now further from your friend group - you knew this going in, but now you're maybe having to confront more what that actually looks/feels like in practice. Are there any Deaf meetups in your suburban area? It might help if you don't feel as reliant on your old friend circle.
posted by coffeecat at 10:34 AM on November 17, 2024 [4 favorites]


If so, why didn't Friend B tell me in the first place? I am not a mind reader. God, it's not that hard. "I'm really sorry, but I don't feel up to giving your friends rides. Tell them they need to join someone else or take an Uber. I hope you understand!" See how easy and kind that was.

Just because something is easy for you doesn't mean it's easy for someone else. Just because something is easy for someone else, doesn't mean it will be easy for you.
posted by Salamandrous at 11:25 AM on November 17, 2024 [3 favorites]


I didn't even think of that. If so, why didn't Friend B tell me in the first place? I am not a mind reader. God, it's not that hard. "I'm really sorry, but I don't feel up to giving your friends rides. Tell them they need to join someone else or take an Uber. I hope you understand!" See how easy and kind that was. I would have understood and accepted that, no problem.

I think this was actually rude of you to even request this in the first place. Don't ask someone to volunteer their time to drive Friend G around just because Friend G is a flake and you want them to attend the party. You have a tendency to have extremely high standards for how friends should behave, and trust me, they can feel it. My guess is Friend B felt put on the spot when you asked because they didn't want to disappoint you. It really rubs me the wrong the way that you then are exasperated that Friend B didn't speak up and say they weren't actually okay with it. Take some responsibility for your role in how this played out. If you had simply just allowed people to figure out their own schedule and mode of transportation, no one would be feeling awkward/hurt/irritated (except yourself, which like... come on, no one can get everything that they want 100% of the time).

It's also possible that Friend A just didn't want to reply to you because you hold friends to such high standards. Maybe they just don't want to deal with some kind of potential future conversation where you tell them once again that you were feeling sad or hurt about something that involved them. It's exhausting to be on the receiving end of it. I can feel the anxiety from your posts. Time and time again, you feel that people aren't forthcoming to you, and to be honest, it often feels like one of the main reasons is because people just don't want to have any more negative conversations with you about what they did/did not do or what they said/didn't say. Obviously this backfires because you insist on having that conversation anyway.

Your anxiety is smothering your friendships. If you let this pattern go on, people will just not want to hang out with you (I suspect this is already happening). You want friendships so badly, but you're pushing people away. The fact that you are hosting TWO housewarming parties because some people couldn't make it shows me how much you are prioritizing these friendships, but it's kind of at an extreme level compared to how most people treat friendships. Think about it this way -- if your friend invited you to a housewarming party, and you really really couldn't make it no matter how badly you wanted to go, would you ask them to change the date to accommodate you? What would happen if they said no? What would your response be?
posted by extramundane at 12:18 PM on November 17, 2024 [18 favorites]


I would like to suggest something. Parties and birthdays are such a big deal to you. What if you just sat with your feelings about it and imagined you had a party and no one came. What about your birthdays growing up? Do you feel like maybe your family screwed some up, however inadvertently? Did they give you the impression they weren’t celebrating your existence as much as other people’s? I think I remember you went to boarding school…the two people I know who did had pretty big abandonment feelings that would come up at various holidays.

Sometimes in our adult lives we get stuck trying to rewrite parts of our childhood. The way you write about your friend gatherings reads to me like a child trying to make people come to their party. It’s charged with an energy most adults don’t keep carrying. We might feel a bit slighted at birthdays if there’s no big friend fuss, or be a bit put out if our housewarming happens to fall on people’s busy weekends, but we don’t fight it or obsess…we feel sad, have a cupcake, move on.
posted by warriorqueen at 2:24 PM on November 17, 2024 [18 favorites]


being in control of the situation makes me feel better/more empowered
But it makes everyone else feel worse and disempowers them. I get the desire to control things that are happening around you, but you are also making your own life so much harder by trying to control all the moving parts involved and you just can't. Even what you probably feel is being generous and helpful by holding two separate parties makes the whole situation more complex for everyone, instead of making it easier.

As others have said, if you want to have a party, have a party - tell everyone with plenty of time so they can make plans, let them know what kind of event it is etc. Then let it happen. Some will come, some won't. Someone not coming is no reflection on you and doesn't mean they don't like you. Everyone's life is busy. Stop trying to organise everyone's life for them.
posted by dg at 8:19 PM on November 17, 2024 [6 favorites]


This is the sort of thing my MIL does to EVERY family gathering: have a pre-planned idea of how the event should go and then getting very put out when it doesn't. It makes all parties involved irritated because people are individuals, not chess pieces to be arranged to make the person throwing the event feel like they are the Best Host EVAR.

Please ease up on how you expect your friends to act according to how you want them to act. I think it's making your friends miserable because they have to deal with your angst when things don't go according to your plan. You are trying to control them, despite not doing it intentionally. At some point, your friends are gonna play the tape forward for all these incidents and just nope out altogether. No one likes to be controlled.
posted by Kitteh at 5:16 AM on November 18, 2024 [1 favorite]


I feel for you and can relate. I too am sensitive and prone to anxiety.

For most of my adult life, I stressed a LOT about parties. Whom to invite, whom not to invite, etc. Eventually I got to a point where I just decided to stop worrying so much and let other people be adults. Now, I have two friends who used to date, and if I feel like it I invite both of them to whatever the event is and figure that they can worry about staying home if they don't want to chance running into each other. It's not my job to worry for them. I've also stopped worrying so much about Person X getting their feelings hurt because mutual friends might be invited and they might hear about it. I'm not obligated to invite every single person to every event all the time. And if I really really want certain friends to attend and have an Amazing Time, that might not happen. They might not attend or they might attend but not have a great time and such is life. I can't force these things.

You are definitely trying too hard to control outcomes here. In the future, pick a date and time for ONE party, invite everyone, ask them to let you know if they need a ride or can offer a ride and then circulate those phone numbers as needed, and step back. I know you really really wanted that one friend to be able to attend and therefore tried to finagle a ride for them. But any given friend might not attend even if they are free and have a ride. Perhaps they are simply tired from a long work week. Who knows? And if a friend does really want to make it to your event, they will put in the work to figure out their own ride. No need for you to force it.

Give your friends the space to step up and make the effort to come to your events, rather than trying too hard on their behalves.
posted by whitelily at 12:13 PM on November 18, 2024 [1 favorite]


I'm confused by the entire situation, to be honest. I think you're making this way more difficult than you need to. Why are you having multiple parties? Parties are where people who don't already know one another meet people! And sometimes, schedules don't align. Thats ok.

This is how it goes in my mind:

Hey A, B, C, ...... Z - I'm having a housewarming party and I'd love it if you could come! We'll be at PLACE around TIME! If you let me know you're coming I'll make sure to have plenty of snacks and drinks around, but feel free to bring your own as well!

P.S. If you need a ride, lemme know and maybe I can help find someone else going your way.

And... thats it. Not multiple parties to account for individual schedules or the off chance someone wont come if they dont know everyone else? Or if A won't come because Z might be there... well, thats on them.
posted by cgg at 2:52 PM on November 18, 2024 [4 favorites]


You seem intent on building the most complicated mazes of circumstances for yourself, trying to get your friends to walk through those mazes, then acting like a victim when they don't get through the maze the way you want them to- or get through at all.

All the while hiding behind the mask of "good intentions".... but you know what gives up the gig that these are control and fear based and basically selfish? Someone who really wants to help their friends, and not themselves, will not feel hurt and lose motivation when things don't work out. They move on to see how else they can create a good experience for others.

You're taking your ball and going home. It's silly. You are not entitled to treat friends like this because trauma or anxiety. That's on you to work on so you can be a better friend to them.

When you focus on what you aren't getting or how things aren't going your way over the most basic friendship activities, you are creating a self fulfilling prophecy of blame, victim hood, shame, and angst. It's exhausting.

But there must be awesome things about you that you can be sometimes exhausting and you still have people who want to celebrate with you! Focus on those things- the parts you bring to the table- not what you're lacking or aren't getting, and you will grow better friendships.

It's a good sign that you're self reflecting and questioning your behaviors. Keep at it!
posted by haplesschild at 4:07 PM on November 18, 2024 [10 favorites]


B reminds me of other things you posted about, like the time you worried about having toilet paper and your roommate's gf kind of snapped after you'd been texting about that (maybe for hours?). She snapped becaue the simple act of you buying toilet paper had turned into an all-day text charin.

Sometimes people are fine to do something cut and dry, like give a ride. but I wonder how many more texts went into that planning of you picking a place, etc. Based on your posts, I think it's likely that there's more to the story that you're just not registering enough to report.
posted by mermaidcafe at 1:38 PM on November 25, 2024 [1 favorite]


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