Is it appropriate to belch out loud in a professional setting?
November 15, 2024 9:18 PM Subscribe
I have a colleague who belches out loud at every meal. I have made it clear that I find it off-putting and have walked away from them while it's happening. Do I have a stick up my butt?
Got in a heated debate with my colleagues about one of my male colleagues belching out loud in the office at lunch. Our culture is such that we eat lunch together, unless there's a meeting or a client call, but the guy belches to the tune of 8 to 9 times OUT LOUD. And yes, they sometimes smell. It irritates me because he does it with no indication that he's sorry - I've never heard him say excuse me, for example, and he does not cover his mouth or try to hide the fact that he needs to burp. He just does it and then it's back to business doing whatever he was doing, whether it's eating lunch or typing on his computer.
My other colleagues seem to think it's perfectly normal for someone to belch and it's rude of me to walk away or make my displeasure clear because of his burping. It literally makes me gag and I can't eat my food. The last time he did that I felt my lunch coming back up my throat so I stood up and walked away.
I think it's wildly unprofessional for him to be doing this in a place of work, and given that he does not do this in front of bosses and clients, it's not like he has zero control over it.
I'm also pretty sure the guy doesn't have a medical condition. He just keeps doing it because everyone else thinks it's funny - it's now turned into a kind of spectator sport in the office where they actually count how many belches he can do in one sitting and laugh about it. While everyone is eating. I have no idea how they are stomaching this because I am disgusted beyond belief.
I also want to highlight that we work in professional services. Do you think I am indeed stuck up like some of my colleagues believe? I feel like I took crazy pills. I can't be the only person who finds this distasteful?
Got in a heated debate with my colleagues about one of my male colleagues belching out loud in the office at lunch. Our culture is such that we eat lunch together, unless there's a meeting or a client call, but the guy belches to the tune of 8 to 9 times OUT LOUD. And yes, they sometimes smell. It irritates me because he does it with no indication that he's sorry - I've never heard him say excuse me, for example, and he does not cover his mouth or try to hide the fact that he needs to burp. He just does it and then it's back to business doing whatever he was doing, whether it's eating lunch or typing on his computer.
My other colleagues seem to think it's perfectly normal for someone to belch and it's rude of me to walk away or make my displeasure clear because of his burping. It literally makes me gag and I can't eat my food. The last time he did that I felt my lunch coming back up my throat so I stood up and walked away.
I think it's wildly unprofessional for him to be doing this in a place of work, and given that he does not do this in front of bosses and clients, it's not like he has zero control over it.
I'm also pretty sure the guy doesn't have a medical condition. He just keeps doing it because everyone else thinks it's funny - it's now turned into a kind of spectator sport in the office where they actually count how many belches he can do in one sitting and laugh about it. While everyone is eating. I have no idea how they are stomaching this because I am disgusted beyond belief.
I also want to highlight that we work in professional services. Do you think I am indeed stuck up like some of my colleagues believe? I feel like I took crazy pills. I can't be the only person who finds this distasteful?
Do I have a stick up my butt?
No, merely a culturally conditioned aversion to belching that's at odds with the hyper-local culture of your workplace's lunchroom.
My other colleagues seem to think it's ... rude of me to walk away or make my displeasure clear because of his burping.
You're allowed to be at least as rude to your colleagues as their class clown is to you. Anybody who takes that badly has a stick up their butt.
"Fuck's sake, Harvey, what are you, twelve? That's fucking disgusting. Learn to eat like a civilized human being, you gormless prick." is the form of words I'd personally choose.
posted by flabdablet at 9:30 PM on November 15 [22 favorites]
No, merely a culturally conditioned aversion to belching that's at odds with the hyper-local culture of your workplace's lunchroom.
My other colleagues seem to think it's ... rude of me to walk away or make my displeasure clear because of his burping.
You're allowed to be at least as rude to your colleagues as their class clown is to you. Anybody who takes that badly has a stick up their butt.
"Fuck's sake, Harvey, what are you, twelve? That's fucking disgusting. Learn to eat like a civilized human being, you gormless prick." is the form of words I'd personally choose.
posted by flabdablet at 9:30 PM on November 15 [22 favorites]
If you wanted to be obnoxious you could say "Excuse you' which is what parents do to rude children. But it sounds like you're in a bro-y group that's immature and not interested in improving, so your best bet is just eating elsewhere.
For the record it is impolite to belch openly at the table without covering your mouth or excusing yourself. Which makes it also unprofessional.
posted by emjaybee at 9:33 PM on November 15 [6 favorites]
For the record it is impolite to belch openly at the table without covering your mouth or excusing yourself. Which makes it also unprofessional.
posted by emjaybee at 9:33 PM on November 15 [6 favorites]
That's just gross!
None of them are professionals.
posted by BlueHorse at 10:02 PM on November 15 [5 favorites]
None of them are professionals.
posted by BlueHorse at 10:02 PM on November 15 [5 favorites]
Anybody who thinks it's hilarious to keep doing something when they know it bothers you is an asshole, and any group that does it is a group of bullies. I would find this really gross, and would not be around this guy while he was eating, while I was eating, or at any other time.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 11:04 PM on November 15 [7 favorites]
posted by Sing Or Swim at 11:04 PM on November 15 [7 favorites]
Seconding flabdablet that this is culturally dependent, but it sounds like you're in a part of the world where this is indeed considered both rude and gross.
posted by demi-octopus at 11:58 PM on November 15 [3 favorites]
posted by demi-octopus at 11:58 PM on November 15 [3 favorites]
In my culture, this is fairly gendered. Do you happen to be a woman and the majority of your coworkers men?
My best friend growing up was a girl who prided herself on her sonorous belches, but I always found it gross and did not hesitate to tell her so. Sometimes she would tease me about being squeamish, but then I’d go do something way more gross in response. Again, we were best friends. Sometimes her and her little brother and her dad would all burp after drinking sodas when I was visiting - clearly, in their family, belching was a form of communication. But! And this is key - as we grew up and became older teens, she would only ever belch loudly when in the company of her closest friends, in a private space. Never at lunch or a restaurant, and when she needed to burp in public, she would cover her mouth and excuse herself, and not do whatever demon mechanics her family had taught her to make them loud. But her brother, a couple years younger than us, always belched loudly and vigorously around me, even when we were hanging out in a restaurant. He thought my disgust was funny. He also was about fourteen. As adults my friend still belches when she’s hanging out and like, drinking a beer and watching dumb tv on the couch, but otherwise keeps it professional and polite.
Normally I am vehemently against all the ways society grinds down women’s forms of expression, but I’m okay with this one edge case, I guess. Your coworkers have the tact and respect of a fourteen year old boy. Unfortunately it is all too common than majority male workplaces have this as a problem. Like, when someone needs to burp, that’s totally fine to do in public, especially in a lunch room or other eating area. But it’s polite to keep it quiet if you can, maybe cover your mouth or burp into a napkin, say “excuse me”, and to ignore other people’s burps too. Not this egging on of louder smelly belches and shaming someone who objects.
posted by Mizu at 1:10 AM on November 16
My best friend growing up was a girl who prided herself on her sonorous belches, but I always found it gross and did not hesitate to tell her so. Sometimes she would tease me about being squeamish, but then I’d go do something way more gross in response. Again, we were best friends. Sometimes her and her little brother and her dad would all burp after drinking sodas when I was visiting - clearly, in their family, belching was a form of communication. But! And this is key - as we grew up and became older teens, she would only ever belch loudly when in the company of her closest friends, in a private space. Never at lunch or a restaurant, and when she needed to burp in public, she would cover her mouth and excuse herself, and not do whatever demon mechanics her family had taught her to make them loud. But her brother, a couple years younger than us, always belched loudly and vigorously around me, even when we were hanging out in a restaurant. He thought my disgust was funny. He also was about fourteen. As adults my friend still belches when she’s hanging out and like, drinking a beer and watching dumb tv on the couch, but otherwise keeps it professional and polite.
Normally I am vehemently against all the ways society grinds down women’s forms of expression, but I’m okay with this one edge case, I guess. Your coworkers have the tact and respect of a fourteen year old boy. Unfortunately it is all too common than majority male workplaces have this as a problem. Like, when someone needs to burp, that’s totally fine to do in public, especially in a lunch room or other eating area. But it’s polite to keep it quiet if you can, maybe cover your mouth or burp into a napkin, say “excuse me”, and to ignore other people’s burps too. Not this egging on of louder smelly belches and shaming someone who objects.
posted by Mizu at 1:10 AM on November 16
I too think it gross and highly inappropriate to belch, burp, or make emulating noises during a meal, especially in a professional setting. Whether you have the proverbial stick up your ass, to me, is in how you react to this rude behavior.
I assume your goal is to get him to stop. I think the best way to try to get him to stop is to not react to it. I think he is an attention seeker and is trying to get your reaction. If you can show no reaction for several times in a row, he may stop. The problem is that the Bros are reacting too, but by laughing. If part of their laughter is because of your reaction to the belching, they may also stop in time.
Perhaps by avoiding the group lunch altogether for a week and them not reacting if he persists the first time back, he will give up. He seems to need an audience. Don't give him one.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 1:17 AM on November 16 [1 favorite]
I assume your goal is to get him to stop. I think the best way to try to get him to stop is to not react to it. I think he is an attention seeker and is trying to get your reaction. If you can show no reaction for several times in a row, he may stop. The problem is that the Bros are reacting too, but by laughing. If part of their laughter is because of your reaction to the belching, they may also stop in time.
Perhaps by avoiding the group lunch altogether for a week and them not reacting if he persists the first time back, he will give up. He seems to need an audience. Don't give him one.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 1:17 AM on November 16 [1 favorite]
Sounds pretty disgusting to me. OTOH, as your team has adopted it as a good thing, making a fuss about it will in fact make it seem like you have a stick up your butt.
It appears that this particular team may not be “a good cultural fit.”
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:49 AM on November 16 [2 favorites]
It appears that this particular team may not be “a good cultural fit.”
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:49 AM on November 16 [2 favorites]
If his behaviour is causing you distress and nausea, then this is a matter for your HR department. Your colleagues are the assholes, not you.
posted by scruss at 5:34 AM on November 16 [2 favorites]
posted by scruss at 5:34 AM on November 16 [2 favorites]
Could he have GERD? Or an acid-reflux issue? His belching is gross, and I agree that he should try to not do this in front of all of you, but it’s possible that he can’t control it. He might benefit from holding a handkerchief in front of his mouth.
posted by Ideefixe at 6:26 AM on November 16 [3 favorites]
posted by Ideefixe at 6:26 AM on November 16 [3 favorites]
It sounds to me as though this guy is trying to drive you away from the team lunches, and the other guys may be encouraging him for the same reason. I’m not sure HR will be of much help, because he’ll just claim it’s a physical condition beyond his control.
They sound like a pretty juvenile group. I’d find some other way (errands, lunch with a friend, going for a walk) to spend my lunch hour, and avoid these burping babies.
posted by elphaba at 7:41 AM on November 16 [4 favorites]
They sound like a pretty juvenile group. I’d find some other way (errands, lunch with a friend, going for a walk) to spend my lunch hour, and avoid these burping babies.
posted by elphaba at 7:41 AM on November 16 [4 favorites]
He's a pig.
Signed, a guy who went to an all-boys junior high, who has seen --and burped -- enough to know when it's a deliberate provocation.
posted by wenestvedt at 7:53 AM on November 16 [5 favorites]
Signed, a guy who went to an all-boys junior high, who has seen --and burped -- enough to know when it's a deliberate provocation.
posted by wenestvedt at 7:53 AM on November 16 [5 favorites]
I agree that this he's being gross. Especially the fact that he doesn't cover his mouth and you can actually smell it at times. Yech.
Unfortunately, given that your coworkers are all encouraging him, I don't see a good way to get him to stop. Can you just sit as far away from him as possible?
posted by Winnie the Proust at 8:13 AM on November 16
Unfortunately, given that your coworkers are all encouraging him, I don't see a good way to get him to stop. Can you just sit as far away from him as possible?
posted by Winnie the Proust at 8:13 AM on November 16
If your colleague is a seventh grade boy, this is perfectly appropriate and indeed, to be expected.
posted by mmf at 8:19 AM on November 16 [1 favorite]
posted by mmf at 8:19 AM on November 16 [1 favorite]
I'd be inclined to give it one last shot and say, just to him, "Bob, you don't do this in front of clients or your bosses, so I know you realise this isn't workplace appropriate. The fact that you do it even though I've said I don't appreciate it in the workplace means you are specifically choosing to be behave inapropriately towards me in our shared workplace. Do you hear how that sounds? Do you hear what I am saying?". If he looks confused or says "no, what are you saying?" then spell it out for him that you will make a complaint to HR. HR doesn't care, but he probably isn't invested enough in burping to take the chance. Now, the narrative will be that you are a bitch (in either gendered sense of the word), but I think that's already the narrative in a group that thinks this sort of hazing/bullying is fun.
Btw, "our culture is such that we eat lunch together" .. you aren't part of their culture, you don't need to be part of the lunch, go spend some pleasant time elsewhere.
posted by J.R. Hartley at 8:34 AM on November 16 [7 favorites]
Btw, "our culture is such that we eat lunch together" .. you aren't part of their culture, you don't need to be part of the lunch, go spend some pleasant time elsewhere.
posted by J.R. Hartley at 8:34 AM on November 16 [7 favorites]
Professionally it's not appropriate to belch loudly and repeatedly at work, no, but whether it is professional or not is a bit of a red herring, because you sound like you have gotten upset and annoyed, and that isn't going to do you any favours.
One of three things is happening. The first is that your colleague who belches has a digestive issue - the stink of the belches is likely indicative of this. If that is the case you and everyone else at the table should be pretending like mad that it never happened and isn't happening, the same like you pretend not to see a wardrobe malfunction, or "don't notice" your cleaning person salvaging lunches out of the break room garbage to take home. Only someone sometime ago spoke up and your belch-prone colleague chose not to self-disclose his health issues, or to grovel, and he is now avoiding being socially isolated by making a joke out of it, and your colleagues are kindly supporting him in that joke.
The second possibility is that your colleague has nothing wrong with his digestion, is forcing the belches and is trying to get a rise out of you, and the object is to either drive you away or achieve dominance status by rocking your equilibrium. Again, you pretend you never saw it and never heard it, while of course saving up suitable phrases to drop into the discussion when your boss asks you about working with him "not entirely professional, handles conflict awkwardly, not suitable to work with clients, etc." If the intention is really hostile, you need to document for your own sanity, that you are undergoing a hostile work environment. If it never escalates beyond belches, you know it's probably not true hostility, just puerility, or a digestive issue, or a culture difference.
The third possibility is that your colleague has poor empathy skills and comes from a background where belches are either a sign of enjoying the meal, or funny, or a way of teasing to produce intimacy, where you affirm that you are close enough to experience and tolerate each other's quirks and physiological grossness, the way that when you share a bed with someone you come to recognize the specific smell of their farts, as well as the specific smell of their cologne, and know them well enough to know that they can't eat onions without ending up in pain. Their belching is a bid for intimacy, and reassurance, and if the tolerant reaction of the rest of the group is anything to go by, it's at least partially working.
I can't tell you which the situation is, because I'm not there and it could easily be some combination of all three. I suggest that when your rejoin the group, you laugh about your own earlier reaction to his behaviour. If your objections didn't start a dog pile of people condemning the belcher, you misread the room and do not have the social status to impose your own values and norms. Keep in mind that "being professional" is quite likely NOT an object to the belcher, nor to some of the other people in the room. They are there for the salary, not the self image. Calling someone on not being professional runs up against the risk that they define being professional quite differently than you do, and their image of professional might be a lot closer to either The Wolf of Wall Street where a true professional intimidates and drives away the competition (you), or closer to the hard drinking journalists burning out while they hunt down corruptions at City Hall, who fall apart while they drink themselves into liver failure and die of cynicism.
Dealing with your own disgust is going to be hard, I am quite certain. The belcher has turned into your personal-bitch-eating-crackers. Disgust and social anxiety and anger are making you severely nauseated. It's a miserable situation for you and highly socially isolating. But at the same time your efforts need to go into dealing with your own nausea and anger, not towards trying to change the social culture in your office. Your anger is probably making you hyper vigilant, so you are listening for the belches, or at least you'll hear every one that happens. You've got a major defense reaction going on. Meanwhile there is a strong chance that your colleague has been backed into a corner where the only thing he can do is bluster out the situation, since for whatever reason he can't stop belching. You are all trapped in a situation that is getting increasingly awkward.
Assume he is going to keep belching. How can you live with the situation to avoid rocking the boat and making it harder for you and anyone else involved? I am pretty sure your boss is not going to want to be asked to mediate a juvenile squabble typical of a grade four elementary school lunchroom, the way that parents do not want to mediate when one kid in the backseat starts loudly complaining, "Make her stop farting!!" and the culprit sits there smirking. How DO you make someone stop if they claim they can't? For one thing your boss is living in dread of sending someone to personnel to be told they need to shape up, only to be handed a doctor's note saying that someone has medical needs and failure to provide accommodations is creating a hostile workplace...
So it really, really sucks, but the question here is how do you react to it professionally? If the situation still seems to be that your culprit thinks it is funny and the other people present are able to grin about it, then you need to fake a grin, even while you resentfully pop a Dramamine at lunchtime. Get some noise cancelling headphones. In a boys-will-be-boys world, your best bet would be to arrange to get so nauseated you can stand up and walk over and puke into his trashcan, smirk at him and then walk away again. Being reactive is making you vulnerable, and making you the odd one out. It's no wonder you are angry and upset. But the professional thing to do is figure out how to keep the office humming along working efficiently.
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:35 AM on November 16 [4 favorites]
One of three things is happening. The first is that your colleague who belches has a digestive issue - the stink of the belches is likely indicative of this. If that is the case you and everyone else at the table should be pretending like mad that it never happened and isn't happening, the same like you pretend not to see a wardrobe malfunction, or "don't notice" your cleaning person salvaging lunches out of the break room garbage to take home. Only someone sometime ago spoke up and your belch-prone colleague chose not to self-disclose his health issues, or to grovel, and he is now avoiding being socially isolated by making a joke out of it, and your colleagues are kindly supporting him in that joke.
The second possibility is that your colleague has nothing wrong with his digestion, is forcing the belches and is trying to get a rise out of you, and the object is to either drive you away or achieve dominance status by rocking your equilibrium. Again, you pretend you never saw it and never heard it, while of course saving up suitable phrases to drop into the discussion when your boss asks you about working with him "not entirely professional, handles conflict awkwardly, not suitable to work with clients, etc." If the intention is really hostile, you need to document for your own sanity, that you are undergoing a hostile work environment. If it never escalates beyond belches, you know it's probably not true hostility, just puerility, or a digestive issue, or a culture difference.
The third possibility is that your colleague has poor empathy skills and comes from a background where belches are either a sign of enjoying the meal, or funny, or a way of teasing to produce intimacy, where you affirm that you are close enough to experience and tolerate each other's quirks and physiological grossness, the way that when you share a bed with someone you come to recognize the specific smell of their farts, as well as the specific smell of their cologne, and know them well enough to know that they can't eat onions without ending up in pain. Their belching is a bid for intimacy, and reassurance, and if the tolerant reaction of the rest of the group is anything to go by, it's at least partially working.
I can't tell you which the situation is, because I'm not there and it could easily be some combination of all three. I suggest that when your rejoin the group, you laugh about your own earlier reaction to his behaviour. If your objections didn't start a dog pile of people condemning the belcher, you misread the room and do not have the social status to impose your own values and norms. Keep in mind that "being professional" is quite likely NOT an object to the belcher, nor to some of the other people in the room. They are there for the salary, not the self image. Calling someone on not being professional runs up against the risk that they define being professional quite differently than you do, and their image of professional might be a lot closer to either The Wolf of Wall Street where a true professional intimidates and drives away the competition (you), or closer to the hard drinking journalists burning out while they hunt down corruptions at City Hall, who fall apart while they drink themselves into liver failure and die of cynicism.
Dealing with your own disgust is going to be hard, I am quite certain. The belcher has turned into your personal-bitch-eating-crackers. Disgust and social anxiety and anger are making you severely nauseated. It's a miserable situation for you and highly socially isolating. But at the same time your efforts need to go into dealing with your own nausea and anger, not towards trying to change the social culture in your office. Your anger is probably making you hyper vigilant, so you are listening for the belches, or at least you'll hear every one that happens. You've got a major defense reaction going on. Meanwhile there is a strong chance that your colleague has been backed into a corner where the only thing he can do is bluster out the situation, since for whatever reason he can't stop belching. You are all trapped in a situation that is getting increasingly awkward.
Assume he is going to keep belching. How can you live with the situation to avoid rocking the boat and making it harder for you and anyone else involved? I am pretty sure your boss is not going to want to be asked to mediate a juvenile squabble typical of a grade four elementary school lunchroom, the way that parents do not want to mediate when one kid in the backseat starts loudly complaining, "Make her stop farting!!" and the culprit sits there smirking. How DO you make someone stop if they claim they can't? For one thing your boss is living in dread of sending someone to personnel to be told they need to shape up, only to be handed a doctor's note saying that someone has medical needs and failure to provide accommodations is creating a hostile workplace...
So it really, really sucks, but the question here is how do you react to it professionally? If the situation still seems to be that your culprit thinks it is funny and the other people present are able to grin about it, then you need to fake a grin, even while you resentfully pop a Dramamine at lunchtime. Get some noise cancelling headphones. In a boys-will-be-boys world, your best bet would be to arrange to get so nauseated you can stand up and walk over and puke into his trashcan, smirk at him and then walk away again. Being reactive is making you vulnerable, and making you the odd one out. It's no wonder you are angry and upset. But the professional thing to do is figure out how to keep the office humming along working efficiently.
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:35 AM on November 16 [4 favorites]
So it really, really sucks, but the question here is how do you react to it professionally?
I agree that this is the key question. I mean, I'm happy to also validate you that you're reaction isn't abnormal. But being "right" or "valid" when you're the odd one out in a work environment isn't that helpful unless you have an unusually close relationship with management. If it were me, I'd just sit as far away from him as possible - and perhaps start taking my lunch outside if weather permits. If anyone inquires why, you can say "I find giving myself some time outside mid-day is good for my mental health and afternoon productivity."
posted by coffeecat at 10:31 AM on November 16 [6 favorites]
I agree that this is the key question. I mean, I'm happy to also validate you that you're reaction isn't abnormal. But being "right" or "valid" when you're the odd one out in a work environment isn't that helpful unless you have an unusually close relationship with management. If it were me, I'd just sit as far away from him as possible - and perhaps start taking my lunch outside if weather permits. If anyone inquires why, you can say "I find giving myself some time outside mid-day is good for my mental health and afternoon productivity."
posted by coffeecat at 10:31 AM on November 16 [6 favorites]
Makes me livid just to hear about it.
And yes, they sometimes smell.
I think you would be entirely justified in doing something like waving your hands in front of your face and saying ‘I can barely stand the smell of your food before you eat it, Bob!'
And if that doesn’t work, buy him a piglet feeding trough and leave it on his desk with a standing placard saying 'thought you might need one of these, Bob! Enjoy!!', along with all the packaging and literature so no one can escape knowing exactly what it is.
posted by jamjam at 11:18 AM on November 16 [1 favorite]
And yes, they sometimes smell.
I think you would be entirely justified in doing something like waving your hands in front of your face and saying ‘I can barely stand the smell of your food before you eat it, Bob!'
And if that doesn’t work, buy him a piglet feeding trough and leave it on his desk with a standing placard saying 'thought you might need one of these, Bob! Enjoy!!', along with all the packaging and literature so no one can escape knowing exactly what it is.
posted by jamjam at 11:18 AM on November 16 [1 favorite]
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posted by Alensin at 9:20 PM on November 15 [14 favorites]