Room hunting as a gay male
October 18, 2024 6:45 AM Subscribe
I am currently hunting for a room to rent. I often wonder if I should casually mention that I'm gay. I know that the actual sexual orientation is not important to most people, but I feel like it can play a role in compatibility, just due to different life experiences etc. As someone looking for a new roommate, would you appreciate knowing this? Or would you find it weird to even mention it?
I kind of see this on the same level as the other usual things people want to know about potential roommates.
To be very honest, I am mainly interested in the perspective of straight males.
I have had many straight male roommates in the past and they learned I was gay after we got to know each other. It was never a problem. However, a few times, I have had straight male roommates who I got slightly homophobic vibes from so I was never very open with. Perhaps in this case it would have been better to be open from the start and just not move in in the first place.
I kind of see this on the same level as the other usual things people want to know about potential roommates.
To be very honest, I am mainly interested in the perspective of straight males.
I have had many straight male roommates in the past and they learned I was gay after we got to know each other. It was never a problem. However, a few times, I have had straight male roommates who I got slightly homophobic vibes from so I was never very open with. Perhaps in this case it would have been better to be open from the start and just not move in in the first place.
Relatively straight male here. Not remotely a problem for you to mention it.
You could address it directly: “You should know that I’m gay if that’s going to be a problem for you.”
Or indirectly: “What’s the sleepover policy? I may want to bring men home.”
In general, anyone for whom it’s not a problem is going to understand why you want to mention it upfront. No harm, no foul.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:58 AM on October 18 [3 favorites]
You could address it directly: “You should know that I’m gay if that’s going to be a problem for you.”
Or indirectly: “What’s the sleepover policy? I may want to bring men home.”
In general, anyone for whom it’s not a problem is going to understand why you want to mention it upfront. No harm, no foul.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:58 AM on October 18 [3 favorites]
I would have appreciated it because it would make me much more likely to room with a stranger, since straight men can be awful to live with. But maybe that's a sign that I'm not straight enough to give a proper answer. And, the type of dudes out there who would get homophobically angry about, say, knowing you were bringing a partner over to stay the night, still exist, so it's probably a good idea.
posted by dis_integration at 7:17 AM on October 18 [2 favorites]
posted by dis_integration at 7:17 AM on October 18 [2 favorites]
Older male here. I find it both a little weird and perfectly ok. I would find it akin to someone telling me that I should know they are an ass man not a leg man. Whatever your preference is fine, but why do I need to know that?
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:17 AM on October 18
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:17 AM on October 18
You don't want to live with a bigot. When I lived in a big group house, whenever we'd advertise a room opening we included a line in the ad "Must be LGBTQ friendly." When you are sending the initial email/text of interest to set up a viewing, I'd use a similar line "Hey, room situation looks great, would love to check it out in-person. Also FYI, just want to make sure this is a LGBTQ friendly house."
posted by coffeecat at 7:18 AM on October 18 [45 favorites]
posted by coffeecat at 7:18 AM on October 18 [45 favorites]
I would have appreciated it because it would make me much more likely to room with a stranger, since straight men can be awful to live with.
I was going to say something like this, but then I went back and considered the various men I’ve known and lived with. In my particular case, good or bad housemate has not particularly tracked with sexuality.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:23 AM on October 18 [1 favorite]
I was going to say something like this, but then I went back and considered the various men I’ve known and lived with. In my particular case, good or bad housemate has not particularly tracked with sexuality.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:23 AM on October 18 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: @JohnnyGun I think your answer has helped me to narrow my question down a bit.
I think it's hard to strike a balance between coming across as weird ("why would I care / want to know") OR not mentioning information that could be useful in deciding how compatible we'd be as roommates ("I would for whatever reason not particularly want to live with a gay person and would appreciate knowing this upfront").
posted by sefsl at 7:30 AM on October 18
I think it's hard to strike a balance between coming across as weird ("why would I care / want to know") OR not mentioning information that could be useful in deciding how compatible we'd be as roommates ("I would for whatever reason not particularly want to live with a gay person and would appreciate knowing this upfront").
posted by sefsl at 7:30 AM on October 18
I'm a straight guy who thinks it's entirely reasonable to mention, because although I wouldn't care, I am aware that there are people who would be bothered, and I know that you know that, which is why you would mention it.
I can think of the following possibilities:
1) You mention it to someone who is bothered by it, and you don't become roommates, which is what you say you want.
2) You mention it to someone who is not bothered by the fact that you're gay or that you mentioned it, so no harm done.
3) You mention it to someone who doesn't care that you're gay but is bothered by the fact that you mentioned it.
I think #3 is likely to be rare, and I also think that I wouldn't want to room with someone who is bothered by the fact that you mention it as part of a basic get-to-know-you conversation.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 7:49 AM on October 18 [16 favorites]
I can think of the following possibilities:
1) You mention it to someone who is bothered by it, and you don't become roommates, which is what you say you want.
2) You mention it to someone who is not bothered by the fact that you're gay or that you mentioned it, so no harm done.
3) You mention it to someone who doesn't care that you're gay but is bothered by the fact that you mentioned it.
I think #3 is likely to be rare, and I also think that I wouldn't want to room with someone who is bothered by the fact that you mention it as part of a basic get-to-know-you conversation.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 7:49 AM on October 18 [16 favorites]
If you feel weird saying that you're gay, you could always opt for the middle ground of mentioning something that suggests or even clearly indicates you are gay, so that you could take their temperature.
Example: "I'm out every Tuesday night singing with my gay men's choir, so you'll have the place to yourself." (I don't know you, so your particulars are your own, but this would work for one of my friends.)
A bigot will recoil, so you can screen without making a thing out of it.
I'm not gay, but when getting to know neighbors/co-workers I have devised a hundred ways to ferret out who the conservative wackjobs are, without ever actually saying what a pinko I am. The same principles would work here, pretty sure.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 8:15 AM on October 18 [9 favorites]
Example: "I'm out every Tuesday night singing with my gay men's choir, so you'll have the place to yourself." (I don't know you, so your particulars are your own, but this would work for one of my friends.)
A bigot will recoil, so you can screen without making a thing out of it.
I'm not gay, but when getting to know neighbors/co-workers I have devised a hundred ways to ferret out who the conservative wackjobs are, without ever actually saying what a pinko I am. The same principles would work here, pretty sure.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 8:15 AM on October 18 [9 favorites]
Years ago I had a housemate who was straight but felt that putting “lgbtq-friendly” in ads would help screen out a certain kind of bigoted people. So you could say that you are looking to live with lgbtq-friendly people without saying you’re gay. Like a dogwhistle of sorts?
posted by needs more cowbell at 8:21 AM on October 18 [6 favorites]
posted by needs more cowbell at 8:21 AM on October 18 [6 favorites]
As a woman, and all other things being equal (which, of course, they rarely are), I'd be far more open to living with a gay man than a straight one.
posted by praemunire at 8:58 AM on October 18 [7 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 8:58 AM on October 18 [7 favorites]
Straight guy here. You should find a way to mention it not because you're looking to find someone who is okay with it, but because you're trying to find someone who is not okay with it.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 9:37 AM on October 18 [11 favorites]
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 9:37 AM on October 18 [11 favorites]
I think it's better to mention it
a) you don't want to find out that you're living with a homophobe after you've signed a lease
b) a lot of women are more comfortable living with gay men than straight men
c) there's a non-zero chance that potential flatmates you are meeting are LGBT themselves, and that they are worried about ending up with a flatmate who is homophobic
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 10:05 AM on October 18 [5 favorites]
a) you don't want to find out that you're living with a homophobe after you've signed a lease
b) a lot of women are more comfortable living with gay men than straight men
c) there's a non-zero chance that potential flatmates you are meeting are LGBT themselves, and that they are worried about ending up with a flatmate who is homophobic
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 10:05 AM on October 18 [5 favorites]
I also like to actually know something about my roommates to see if we have similar enough values to be friendly with one another, so something as important as someone's sexuality I would want to know. I believe in living with someone where we can care about each other as humans (not needing to be BFFs or anything) and make each other feel like we are sharing a safe space at the very least.
posted by greta simone at 10:26 AM on October 18 [1 favorite]
posted by greta simone at 10:26 AM on October 18 [1 favorite]
Nthing that in my feeds I often see people looking for or advertising "an LGBTQ-friendly vibe" so I think that is a good way of framing it as it can signal either your personal identity or as shorthand for the broader kind of values that are important to you in a housing situation.
posted by TwoStride at 11:22 AM on October 18 [1 favorite]
posted by TwoStride at 11:22 AM on October 18 [1 favorite]
I'm a straight guy...I would say it's probably a safer bet to mention it. You rule out a lot of potential bad roomates by mentioning it because anyone who has no problem with it isn't gonna have a problem with you mentioning it. Of course you're under no obligation to mention it but I have a feeling you'll be less stressed about it if you do.
posted by ljs30 at 12:13 PM on October 18 [2 favorites]
posted by ljs30 at 12:13 PM on October 18 [2 favorites]
I think it's worth mentioning, for reasons that have been covered above, but the way to make it less weird is to give people a bunch of details about yourself so you can just let the gay part be just one more detail instead of standing out as a thing.
posted by ssg at 1:13 PM on October 18 [2 favorites]
posted by ssg at 1:13 PM on October 18 [2 favorites]
Like all gay men, you'll have to play this by ear and test your vibes as to whether the (straight) person sitting across from you or on the phone with you is comfortable around gay men. Not all are. You'll have to use caution as physical assault can still be a risk, even in 2024.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 2:15 PM on October 18
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 2:15 PM on October 18
I’m bi. When I want to suss someone out I either mention that I know queer people (my friend and her girlfriend just got engaged!) or I’ll mention an ex (oh, my ex-girlfriend was so messy, I prefer doing a weekly clean) or a queer thing I did (part of the LQBTQ affinity group at work). Generally, you don’t want to say something that could cause your potential roommate to think about you having sex, that makes it weird.
Some people are definitely weird about it, if not openly homophobic, I’d rather know before I moved in.
posted by momus_window at 3:03 PM on October 18 [3 favorites]
Some people are definitely weird about it, if not openly homophobic, I’d rather know before I moved in.
posted by momus_window at 3:03 PM on October 18 [3 favorites]
About 40 years ago, I advertised for a roommate, and one applicant told me that he was bisexual. I appreciated the advance information, though it did not affect the decision. (If I recall correctly, he found a different place.)
Looking from the other direction, I would think that a prospect whose response was "Aw, hell no" would be a deterrent, whatever the legalities.
posted by yclipse at 6:39 PM on October 18
Looking from the other direction, I would think that a prospect whose response was "Aw, hell no" would be a deterrent, whatever the legalities.
posted by yclipse at 6:39 PM on October 18
Also, in some cities there are Facebook groups for LGBT people seeking LGBT room mates, if that is something that interests you.
You deserve to feel safe and comfortable in your own home - even "slight askance looks" wear people out over time.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 8:57 PM on October 18
You deserve to feel safe and comfortable in your own home - even "slight askance looks" wear people out over time.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 8:57 PM on October 18
Straight guy, mid 50s, but married and haven't looked for a roommate in 30+ years.
It's fine to mention it. The roommate process means asking and talking about all sorts of things that would otherwise be irrelevant because you gotta live, to some extent, with each other's sights and sounds and smells. I wouldn't lump it in with "I'm a leg man." It goes with stuff like "I'm a Gator fan" or "I surely love me some opera."
Honestly the thing I'd really want to know irrespective of your orientation would be whether you're already coupled but not shacked up (so I gotta look again in a year or two), not actively looking, or at least trying to bring home strangers-to-me every weekend. Because that sounds like way, way too much... people-ing... for a hermit like me.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 6:02 AM on October 19 [4 favorites]
It's fine to mention it. The roommate process means asking and talking about all sorts of things that would otherwise be irrelevant because you gotta live, to some extent, with each other's sights and sounds and smells. I wouldn't lump it in with "I'm a leg man." It goes with stuff like "I'm a Gator fan" or "I surely love me some opera."
Honestly the thing I'd really want to know irrespective of your orientation would be whether you're already coupled but not shacked up (so I gotta look again in a year or two), not actively looking, or at least trying to bring home strangers-to-me every weekend. Because that sounds like way, way too much... people-ing... for a hermit like me.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 6:02 AM on October 19 [4 favorites]
You can wear a "Love Is Love" T-shirt or similar if you want to be more subtle about it. I agree you will want to screen out bigoted people.
posted by Threeve at 10:12 AM on October 19
posted by Threeve at 10:12 AM on October 19
Straight guy here. I wouldn't expect or care either way for you to mention it to me, but I know my also-straights well enough to say that you should mention it, so that you yourself can gauge info about a potential new roommate.
Also on the positive side, maybe this would be a unique plus for some straight guys. Personal space is so personal, and people have all kinds of idiosyncratic wants. You might find someone who likes the idea of living with a gay guy because they feel like it makes for a more balanced household somehow. Or because they like being around other guys socially and you might bring more guys around. You find all kinds of household goals in a roommate search.
posted by kensington314 at 11:09 AM on October 20
Also on the positive side, maybe this would be a unique plus for some straight guys. Personal space is so personal, and people have all kinds of idiosyncratic wants. You might find someone who likes the idea of living with a gay guy because they feel like it makes for a more balanced household somehow. Or because they like being around other guys socially and you might bring more guys around. You find all kinds of household goals in a roommate search.
posted by kensington314 at 11:09 AM on October 20
I would definitely say it, because the worst case scenario would be to end up locked into a lease with a bigot. But it doesn't have to be some big coming-out pronouncement. You can just say it as part of the basic introductory stuff you say in your roommate ad or the responses you send to other people's ads. Something like, "I'm a 27-year-old gay man, originally from Omaha, Nebraska, and I work in marketing and enjoy yoga, knitting, and horror movies." I also like the suggestions other people have made about specifying, again either in your own ad or in your replies to others, that you're looking for "LGBTQ+ friendly" housing. But really, it doesn't have to be weird. It's a fact about you, just like the fact that you're a man is a fact about you, and you wouldn't want to live with a roommate who wasn't cool with it.
posted by decathecting at 11:28 AM on October 21 [1 favorite]
posted by decathecting at 11:28 AM on October 21 [1 favorite]
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