Meeting a long lost relative
September 18, 2024 6:39 AM Subscribe
In the coming days we'll meet a relative we previously didn't know existed. I want to help them feel welcome without overwhelming them. Have you navigated this process? What worked and what do you wish you had done differently? Looking for anecdata from both sides of the equation.
If you have experience as an adoptee meeting your bio family or as the bio family meeting an adoptee, what helped make things go easily for everyone? What do you wish had happened differently? If there were online articles that you found helpful, personal recommendations gratefully accepted.
A few details: this relative's bio mom was a much loved member of our family who gave birth during a time when unwed motherhood was considered shameful. She died suddenly a few years ago having never told anyone about this child. The child was adopted into a caring, stable home, so there's relief that they grew up safe and loved. There's also sadness for the bio mom. Everyone in the bio family is happy and excited to meet our new relative. (And personally, due to the way my brain manifests Big Feelings, I'm also afraid I'm gonna cry and make the new relative feel weird and awkward when I just want them to feel welcome.)
Thanks for sharing your experiences.
If you have experience as an adoptee meeting your bio family or as the bio family meeting an adoptee, what helped make things go easily for everyone? What do you wish had happened differently? If there were online articles that you found helpful, personal recommendations gratefully accepted.
A few details: this relative's bio mom was a much loved member of our family who gave birth during a time when unwed motherhood was considered shameful. She died suddenly a few years ago having never told anyone about this child. The child was adopted into a caring, stable home, so there's relief that they grew up safe and loved. There's also sadness for the bio mom. Everyone in the bio family is happy and excited to meet our new relative. (And personally, due to the way my brain manifests Big Feelings, I'm also afraid I'm gonna cry and make the new relative feel weird and awkward when I just want them to feel welcome.)
Thanks for sharing your experiences.
This isn't exactly the same, but when I was 15 I found out I had a half-sister - my deceased adoptive father had a daughter before he married my adoptive mom. I traveled to another country to meet her and her family.
The nice part was that they all already seemed to like me and were excited to learn about me and tell me about them. It helped me relax, because I was really worried about saying or doing something wrong.
However, I also wish they had given me more space to decide how I felt about them and what I wanted their roles in my life to be like. For example, my sister is much older than me and seemed to want to parent me, and I resented that because I already had a mom and wanted to do fun sister stuff. Sometimes other family members behaved in ways that are normal for some families but I found very intrusive because I wasn't used to it, like changing clothes in front of me or giving me advice I didn't ask for. These were super kind and welcoming and open people, so there was no malice, and I know I could've grown to love them over time, but I grew up really differently so it made me uncomfortable.
So, I think you should be open about how glad you are that this person is with you, to put them at ease, but try not to have expectations about what they will want from you or how your relationship will be, and remember that this person might have a really different perspective on what families are like.
posted by birthday cake at 12:21 PM on September 18 [1 favorite]
The nice part was that they all already seemed to like me and were excited to learn about me and tell me about them. It helped me relax, because I was really worried about saying or doing something wrong.
However, I also wish they had given me more space to decide how I felt about them and what I wanted their roles in my life to be like. For example, my sister is much older than me and seemed to want to parent me, and I resented that because I already had a mom and wanted to do fun sister stuff. Sometimes other family members behaved in ways that are normal for some families but I found very intrusive because I wasn't used to it, like changing clothes in front of me or giving me advice I didn't ask for. These were super kind and welcoming and open people, so there was no malice, and I know I could've grown to love them over time, but I grew up really differently so it made me uncomfortable.
So, I think you should be open about how glad you are that this person is with you, to put them at ease, but try not to have expectations about what they will want from you or how your relationship will be, and remember that this person might have a really different perspective on what families are like.
posted by birthday cake at 12:21 PM on September 18 [1 favorite]
Take as many family photo albums as you can get hold of, for if they are interested, just there if they want to view them.
Pictures of their birth mother, but also pictures of everyone in your family as a baby and a child.
It is usually fascinating to see aspects of yourself reflected in biological family members.
Also, when people talk to family members, they usually - share family stories, in a way that they don't with people who aren't family.
Being able to share childhood stories about the biological mother, even very silly little things, like how she wanted to be helpful and picked all the green tomatoes when she was 3, *is* one way that you signify that this person is part of the family.
If you have a paper copy of a family tree - have it out and available - like lying on the table in view.
As you tell stories, point out who you are talking about, as it's easy to get lost in a forest of names, and if can help provide a map/context, as you go.
posted by Elysum at 2:17 PM on September 18 [5 favorites]
Pictures of their birth mother, but also pictures of everyone in your family as a baby and a child.
It is usually fascinating to see aspects of yourself reflected in biological family members.
Also, when people talk to family members, they usually - share family stories, in a way that they don't with people who aren't family.
Being able to share childhood stories about the biological mother, even very silly little things, like how she wanted to be helpful and picked all the green tomatoes when she was 3, *is* one way that you signify that this person is part of the family.
If you have a paper copy of a family tree - have it out and available - like lying on the table in view.
As you tell stories, point out who you are talking about, as it's easy to get lost in a forest of names, and if can help provide a map/context, as you go.
posted by Elysum at 2:17 PM on September 18 [5 favorites]
I met my sister (one shared bio parent) for the first time solo and we went for a light hike together and talked about our broader family who she grew up with, my experience growing up, and generally what our lives were like. After a few hours we went to meet her immdiate family: husband and two teenagers. I liked that I could get to know her one on one and talk about more serious stuff and then opt-in to a bigger group, which was less intense topics. They were all sweet and funny. I know it's a cliche but just be yourself and give them the opportunity for some 1-1 escape from the big group to connect.
posted by Summers at 6:06 PM on September 18 [3 favorites]
posted by Summers at 6:06 PM on September 18 [3 favorites]
I was adopted as an infant. My bio father was single when I was conceived and didn't know of my existence. However, discovering my paternal bio family members via DNA matches was an incredible experience. I didn't know if they would be wary or welcoming. First, I connected with a distant cousin and then a 2nd cousin, and we met face-to-face when suggested by each of them.
When I found my sister, we first met at a diner. I remember the thrill when she commented that I liked hot sauce as much as our father. We've become very close, and she continues (5 years later) to remark on similarities almost every time we're together. I feel so fortunate for my sister being positive and accepting.
Then, she invited me to her home to meet her son and his fiancé a couple months before their wedding. We looked through photographs and letters my bio father had written to his parents while stationed overseas. My nephew invited me to his wedding where I met so many more relatives—everyone couldn't have been more gracious and kind to me.
I have a first cousin whose father wasn't present in her life so my father pretty much raised her. She and my sister have shared many stories about him as a loving parent. Also, every time I see her she reminds me that I look so much like our grandmother, and we both get teary. Until I had my first child, there was no one in the world I knew I was related to.
I hope all this is helpful. Everyone is different, of course, but I think you can't go wrong being warm and welcoming to your new family member.
posted by Scout405 at 8:09 PM on September 18 [4 favorites]
When I found my sister, we first met at a diner. I remember the thrill when she commented that I liked hot sauce as much as our father. We've become very close, and she continues (5 years later) to remark on similarities almost every time we're together. I feel so fortunate for my sister being positive and accepting.
Then, she invited me to her home to meet her son and his fiancé a couple months before their wedding. We looked through photographs and letters my bio father had written to his parents while stationed overseas. My nephew invited me to his wedding where I met so many more relatives—everyone couldn't have been more gracious and kind to me.
I have a first cousin whose father wasn't present in her life so my father pretty much raised her. She and my sister have shared many stories about him as a loving parent. Also, every time I see her she reminds me that I look so much like our grandmother, and we both get teary. Until I had my first child, there was no one in the world I knew I was related to.
I hope all this is helpful. Everyone is different, of course, but I think you can't go wrong being warm and welcoming to your new family member.
posted by Scout405 at 8:09 PM on September 18 [4 favorites]
Another thought I have, on the subject of big feelings and tears, is that it's totally fine to cry and feel your feelings in whatever way feels natural to you! Of course don't make your new relative feel like they need to manage your feelings for you, but you can say something like "oh don't mind me, I'm a crier" and they will probably understand that you're just excited to meet them. Don't like, gush about how sad you are that their bio-mom is dead, but I bet it will make them feel invited into the family to see you emoting.
posted by Summers at 6:02 AM on September 19 [1 favorite]
posted by Summers at 6:02 AM on September 19 [1 favorite]
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First of all - it's a huge shock, whether you suspected or not - so go easy on yourself and each other if/when any uncomfortable emotions surface - jealousy, time, secrets...
So, we met mum's partner's estranged person (and their whole family) at the wedding - which was definitely too heightened! And didn't give enough space for connections.
Next time, we met partner's estranged person much more informally - and in smaller groups as well. It's nice if whole family can meet at once, but it's also quite overwhelming, which can, itself, throw up extra uncomfortable emotions.
My advice - throw out all expectations. Whether you will have things in common. Whether they will want to be "a part of all this" in the future. Big and small - chuck them all away.
Sounds like you're worried about the Meeting Moment. If it's a big event, maybe 2-3 of you meet outside, and take a walk before introducing everyone. Maybe 1-2 of you meet the day before. (Maybe that would wreck all family politics and introduce worse feelings!).
It can feel very we-have-to-do-this-all-now-and-get-it-all-right. Sure, you might never see them again. But that's not because you didn't do it perfectly. It just wasn't right for them, or for you, whoever decides that it's ok. Just take it as it comes. Take THEM as they come.
posted by london explorer girl at 7:06 AM on September 18 [1 favorite]