When to tell him he's not my biological child?
March 1, 2013 3:14 PM Subscribe
My wife and I have a 3 year old, which for the sake of anonymity we will call John. He is the joy of my life, but biologically speaking, not mine. I am wondering if we should tell him, if so, how, and at what age we should tell him?
Any Mefites who have experience either adopting or being adopted who have helpful input on this, it would be greatly appreciated.
Note: Although we were married a little less than a year ago, we have decided to not pursue an official adoption for me, as due to the below circumstances, my wife is afraid this will reinvigorate dad to actually pursue legal custody out of spite, even partial, which she does not want.
First the If:
By her account, my wife had a short and turbulent relationship with a "psycho" with whom she became pregnant with. She stated she had to end the relationship due to stress over his behavior (mostly crazy arguments and mental abuse) while she was still pregnant. For the first six-eight months of John's life, the dad alternatively avoided any responsibility, contact or interest in his child, but did occasionally make an effort--though usually along with veiled threats about obtaining legal custody, either half or sole. According to my wife, dad would usually show an interest in his child/threaten custody after another argument as a way to punish her. Dad has not seen the child since he was 8 months old, he is now three.
When we started dating, they were only in peripheral contact as dad would pay a nominal sum each month to help out with John's doctor's visits (nowhere near child support), but periodically, usually on Holidays and if the payments were higher due to several doctor visits in one month, he would reiterate his desire to see the child. She would stall these requests, citing his past cancellations, or stress that the visits must be supervised. Once she stated this, he would become furious and again threaten to sue for custody before vanishing again for the next few months. She made it apparent that this was the MO for this arrangement, and while stressful and upsetting, that she just had to put up with it.
Fast forwarding, once things got serious for us, I took over the payments and she stopped asking for money from dad. Once that happened, besides periodic e-mails about what a "bitch' she was because she wouldn't let dad see his son, this contact slowly dwindled away. There has been zero contact from dad in over a year.
I am of the mind that I want to do what's best for my child, and in my mind, a part of that is a relationship with his biological father, but I am terrified of my own insecurities, dad being more of a psycho than I want to deal with, constant upsetting situations for my wife, and dad re-abandoning his kid. Mind you, I really don't want to share. In my heart of hearts, I would hope dad would just go away forever, but I love this child so much, I would gladly grow to accept dad if it makes John's life better.
So do we say anything? My gut says "yes, of course" but my (selfish) heart says "no! He's yours, and never say a word."
That said, if we are to broach this topic, a) at what age? and b) how? Start with books? A single conversation? Just thinking about it fills me with anxiety. Any input would be greatly appreciated.
Note: Although we were married a little less than a year ago, we have decided to not pursue an official adoption for me, as due to the below circumstances, my wife is afraid this will reinvigorate dad to actually pursue legal custody out of spite, even partial, which she does not want.
First the If:
By her account, my wife had a short and turbulent relationship with a "psycho" with whom she became pregnant with. She stated she had to end the relationship due to stress over his behavior (mostly crazy arguments and mental abuse) while she was still pregnant. For the first six-eight months of John's life, the dad alternatively avoided any responsibility, contact or interest in his child, but did occasionally make an effort--though usually along with veiled threats about obtaining legal custody, either half or sole. According to my wife, dad would usually show an interest in his child/threaten custody after another argument as a way to punish her. Dad has not seen the child since he was 8 months old, he is now three.
When we started dating, they were only in peripheral contact as dad would pay a nominal sum each month to help out with John's doctor's visits (nowhere near child support), but periodically, usually on Holidays and if the payments were higher due to several doctor visits in one month, he would reiterate his desire to see the child. She would stall these requests, citing his past cancellations, or stress that the visits must be supervised. Once she stated this, he would become furious and again threaten to sue for custody before vanishing again for the next few months. She made it apparent that this was the MO for this arrangement, and while stressful and upsetting, that she just had to put up with it.
Fast forwarding, once things got serious for us, I took over the payments and she stopped asking for money from dad. Once that happened, besides periodic e-mails about what a "bitch' she was because she wouldn't let dad see his son, this contact slowly dwindled away. There has been zero contact from dad in over a year.
I am of the mind that I want to do what's best for my child, and in my mind, a part of that is a relationship with his biological father, but I am terrified of my own insecurities, dad being more of a psycho than I want to deal with, constant upsetting situations for my wife, and dad re-abandoning his kid. Mind you, I really don't want to share. In my heart of hearts, I would hope dad would just go away forever, but I love this child so much, I would gladly grow to accept dad if it makes John's life better.
So do we say anything? My gut says "yes, of course" but my (selfish) heart says "no! He's yours, and never say a word."
That said, if we are to broach this topic, a) at what age? and b) how? Start with books? A single conversation? Just thinking about it fills me with anxiety. Any input would be greatly appreciated.
I have a friend who is the mom-half of this situation. She and her husband are super open and nonchalant about the whole thing -- to my knowledge they've never sat the kid down for a conversation about it, but it's just a fact of life that has been openly discussed in front of their son ever since he was too young to understand it (he is now maybe at an age where he might kind of get it -- the concept of biological fatherhood, which I guess is a bit more advanced than biological motherhood, eh?). Obviously the openness and nonchalance probably shouldn't extend to openly calling the biological father a psycho, but openly discussing his existence is probably the best way to go here, so that it's never "news."
posted by telegraph at 3:22 PM on March 1, 2013 [9 favorites]
posted by telegraph at 3:22 PM on March 1, 2013 [9 favorites]
My mother was adopted in a situation very similar to yours. My grandmother divorced and remarried when my mother was too young to remember anything, but unlike your case, the step-father adopted my mother. Mom though she was his biological child until he blurted it out to her in a fit of anger when she was a teenager. She could have happily lived her entire life without knowing this information.
I am a firm believer that just because the truth is in your mind does not mean that it needs to be on your lips. You have the idea that it is categorical good for this child to have a relationship with his biological father. Where does that idea come from? How does having a relationship with an abusive "psycho" make this child's life better? I am a a stranger, but based on your question, I have little doubt that the bio father will use the child as a pawn in whatever game he is playing with your wife in his mind.
You haven't heard from the bio father in over a year. How do you know he is even alive? I do not practice family law, but I would talk with a family law lawyer in your state to discuss what your options are regarding adoption. It seems that the only reason you haven't adopted is because you are afraid of bio father's reaction. I would see how you can get that adoption done. Maybe at some point, bio father has waived his parental rights if he disappears for a certain length of time. If not, I would recommend you take up that fight now. It sounds like you can outlawyer him and you will make a good showing on the merits. But, that is for your lawyer (who is not me) to advise you.
You are not being selfish in your desire to protect this child from ever knowing about this man. You are being loving, the opposite of selfish. The selfish thing would be to blurt out this fact to your child so you would no longer feel guilty about a "secret".
posted by Tanizaki at 3:34 PM on March 1, 2013
I am a firm believer that just because the truth is in your mind does not mean that it needs to be on your lips. You have the idea that it is categorical good for this child to have a relationship with his biological father. Where does that idea come from? How does having a relationship with an abusive "psycho" make this child's life better? I am a a stranger, but based on your question, I have little doubt that the bio father will use the child as a pawn in whatever game he is playing with your wife in his mind.
You haven't heard from the bio father in over a year. How do you know he is even alive? I do not practice family law, but I would talk with a family law lawyer in your state to discuss what your options are regarding adoption. It seems that the only reason you haven't adopted is because you are afraid of bio father's reaction. I would see how you can get that adoption done. Maybe at some point, bio father has waived his parental rights if he disappears for a certain length of time. If not, I would recommend you take up that fight now. It sounds like you can outlawyer him and you will make a good showing on the merits. But, that is for your lawyer (who is not me) to advise you.
You are not being selfish in your desire to protect this child from ever knowing about this man. You are being loving, the opposite of selfish. The selfish thing would be to blurt out this fact to your child so you would no longer feel guilty about a "secret".
posted by Tanizaki at 3:34 PM on March 1, 2013
Uh. Hm. How to put this delicately. This isn't so much like a typical adoption scenario. In that type of scenario you are choosing between being honest about the adoption (recommended by all and sundry professionals as far as I know) or lying to the kid and saying that you are biologically connected. I believe even families who use donor sperm or egg are encouraged to tell the truth as the question arises in the course of a child's life.
You've got two huge and completely separate issues. First and foremost is this issue with the biological father. You have got to get that legally sorted out. What if your girlfriend dies? Who gets the kid? What if something happens to you -- does your life insurance list your girlfriend and son as the beneficiary? What if they are both in an auto accident together and you are called to speak for them? You cannot continue to "roll your own" custody arrangement with a "psycho" bio father in the picture. Lawyer, lickety-split.
So, once you've got some legal arrangements sorted, you can decide to marry and/or adopt. However, you should *always* be honest about your child's biological and genetic background. As an adopted kid, I was told from the very beginning. It was part of my "birth story," my "where did I come from" story. Go to you local library and read the books geared toward young children of adoption. That may help you think of some ways to talk about your son's early life. Part of the story for me was that my own mother was very young and didn't have the resources to care for me and because she loved me very much, she gave me up for adoption. There's some variation on that that is likely to work for this boy. I wouldn't bring it up until he asks, though. But, yes, be prepared. I know kids that were kept in the dark about their adoption and when it came to light (it always comes to light), there was serious trauma and betrayal.
Let the ex be the psycho. Finding out at a later age that your only known father has conspired with your mother to lie about something so important would feel pretty psycho to me. Sorry if that's overly harsh, I just think this whole scenario is kind of a bad idea. See if you can get help to iron this out. There are counselors who specialize in blended families and adoption. Talking with this boy should not fill you with anxiety as long as you are always truthful in an age-appropriate way.
posted by amanda at 3:34 PM on March 1, 2013 [42 favorites]
You've got two huge and completely separate issues. First and foremost is this issue with the biological father. You have got to get that legally sorted out. What if your girlfriend dies? Who gets the kid? What if something happens to you -- does your life insurance list your girlfriend and son as the beneficiary? What if they are both in an auto accident together and you are called to speak for them? You cannot continue to "roll your own" custody arrangement with a "psycho" bio father in the picture. Lawyer, lickety-split.
So, once you've got some legal arrangements sorted, you can decide to marry and/or adopt. However, you should *always* be honest about your child's biological and genetic background. As an adopted kid, I was told from the very beginning. It was part of my "birth story," my "where did I come from" story. Go to you local library and read the books geared toward young children of adoption. That may help you think of some ways to talk about your son's early life. Part of the story for me was that my own mother was very young and didn't have the resources to care for me and because she loved me very much, she gave me up for adoption. There's some variation on that that is likely to work for this boy. I wouldn't bring it up until he asks, though. But, yes, be prepared. I know kids that were kept in the dark about their adoption and when it came to light (it always comes to light), there was serious trauma and betrayal.
Let the ex be the psycho. Finding out at a later age that your only known father has conspired with your mother to lie about something so important would feel pretty psycho to me. Sorry if that's overly harsh, I just think this whole scenario is kind of a bad idea. See if you can get help to iron this out. There are counselors who specialize in blended families and adoption. Talking with this boy should not fill you with anxiety as long as you are always truthful in an age-appropriate way.
posted by amanda at 3:34 PM on March 1, 2013 [42 favorites]
I don't know what you should do, but I know one thing NOT to do.
Don't let this all out to your toddler in one long monologue, breathe a sigh of relief, and then never speak of it again until you casually reference it when kid is a teenager.
posted by emilyw at 3:34 PM on March 1, 2013 [12 favorites]
Don't let this all out to your toddler in one long monologue, breathe a sigh of relief, and then never speak of it again until you casually reference it when kid is a teenager.
posted by emilyw at 3:34 PM on March 1, 2013 [12 favorites]
So, here's my family history: My brother's biological father is an anonymous sperm donor. His original legal father, who expected to raise him once he was born, died while my mom was pregnant. Then she married my biological father, who became my brother's legal father. But he was a total asshole, so my mother divorced him. She married another guy, who became our legal father. Then she divorced him, and married another guy, who became our step-father. This last one is the person we consider our father. He's the only one I have any contact with. He IS my father. End of story.
My brother and I both knew, for as long as we were alive, about the complexities of our ancestry. I knew that there was a sense in which my brother was my "half-brother," but it never mattered for nothing. He's my brother. End of story. Blood doesn't matter unless you make it matter. You make it matter by not discussing it, by making it A THING that must be revealed after years and years. You make it not matter by discussing it as a simple fact that just doesn't relate at all to your family, your love, or your relationship with him.
Acknowledging that you didn't provide the biological material that led to his creation shouldn't be a problem for your selfish heart. He's yours. He's your baby, he's your son, he's your love. Blood or DNA can't change that.
Keep clear in your mind that "father" and "provider of genetic material" are two distinct things. Anytime he asks questions that make it appropriate to discuss who provided his genetic material, be willing to provide that information. But keep clear to yourself, so that it is obvious from your discussions on this topic, that there being a different person who provided his genetic material doesn't at all imply you are not his father.
And just raise him well, and give him lots of hugs, and read him lots of stories, and be there for him when he needs you, and care for him in all the ways you plan to, and there will never be a doubt in his mind or yours how you relate to him.
posted by meese at 3:35 PM on March 1, 2013 [8 favorites]
My brother and I both knew, for as long as we were alive, about the complexities of our ancestry. I knew that there was a sense in which my brother was my "half-brother," but it never mattered for nothing. He's my brother. End of story. Blood doesn't matter unless you make it matter. You make it matter by not discussing it, by making it A THING that must be revealed after years and years. You make it not matter by discussing it as a simple fact that just doesn't relate at all to your family, your love, or your relationship with him.
Acknowledging that you didn't provide the biological material that led to his creation shouldn't be a problem for your selfish heart. He's yours. He's your baby, he's your son, he's your love. Blood or DNA can't change that.
Keep clear in your mind that "father" and "provider of genetic material" are two distinct things. Anytime he asks questions that make it appropriate to discuss who provided his genetic material, be willing to provide that information. But keep clear to yourself, so that it is obvious from your discussions on this topic, that there being a different person who provided his genetic material doesn't at all imply you are not his father.
And just raise him well, and give him lots of hugs, and read him lots of stories, and be there for him when he needs you, and care for him in all the ways you plan to, and there will never be a doubt in his mind or yours how you relate to him.
posted by meese at 3:35 PM on March 1, 2013 [8 favorites]
My mom was raised (in the 1940s-50s) by her adoptive father, not her biological father. It was not entirely secret -- at some point in her childhood she was told who her biological father was, and she was allowed a small amount of contact with him over the years (he lived in California with his second family; she and my grandparents lived in Wyoming) -- but it definitely was pretty taboo to discuss. (It was also the ostensible reason she was forbidden from applying to college in California, which she desperately wanted to do; her parents were afraid she'd have more contact with her biological father.)
To this day she doesn't know why her mother (who died years ago) split with her bio dad, she doesn't know exactly how he died (and we only found out when he died by doing a Social Security death index search), and she doesn't know any of his medical history. All of these issues are extremely sore points with her, even as she's now in her 70s, and colored her relationship with her parents her entire life. Plus, not knowing half of her own genetic/medical history has also posed some significant challenges for her as well as for my sister and me.
Shorter: not getting the whole truth about her biological father has been perhaps the defining emotional trauma of my mom's life. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you my family's been dealing with the fallout of this sort of secret for 60+ years.
posted by scody at 3:36 PM on March 1, 2013 [2 favorites]
To this day she doesn't know why her mother (who died years ago) split with her bio dad, she doesn't know exactly how he died (and we only found out when he died by doing a Social Security death index search), and she doesn't know any of his medical history. All of these issues are extremely sore points with her, even as she's now in her 70s, and colored her relationship with her parents her entire life. Plus, not knowing half of her own genetic/medical history has also posed some significant challenges for her as well as for my sister and me.
Shorter: not getting the whole truth about her biological father has been perhaps the defining emotional trauma of my mom's life. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you my family's been dealing with the fallout of this sort of secret for 60+ years.
posted by scody at 3:36 PM on March 1, 2013 [2 favorites]
Oh my God. You seem to be muddling along in a very reactionary, not-at-all-planned way. I mean, I understand how life just happens, but you should use the fact you are asking this question as an opportunity to create a solid strategy for your family.
You've opted not to go for legal adoption so you don't provoke an absent father, but did you make this choice in consultation with an attorney? Because you do not appear in this equation to have addressed the fact that if your wife dies, you will very probably lose custody of your son. You need, urgently, to consult a family attorney in your state.
You cannot not tell him. He will find out one day - like the first time he ever needs to produce a birth certificate for anything - and he will feel utterly betrayed and justifiably furious with you all. He also needs to know and has a right to know about his origins and to have access to his medical history. If he ever wants to try to make contact with his biological father, he needs to be able to do that, no matter what the outcome or how big an asshat that guy may be.
I would suggest making books like When We Married Gary part of your reading rotation, but also paying careful attention to making sure your son is presented with a very wide range of family norms with books on single parent families, foster families, adopted family, and same sex parents. The wider the range the more accepting he'll be of the message "there are all kinds of families and this is how we made ours."
posted by DarlingBri at 3:39 PM on March 1, 2013 [19 favorites]
You've opted not to go for legal adoption so you don't provoke an absent father, but did you make this choice in consultation with an attorney? Because you do not appear in this equation to have addressed the fact that if your wife dies, you will very probably lose custody of your son. You need, urgently, to consult a family attorney in your state.
You cannot not tell him. He will find out one day - like the first time he ever needs to produce a birth certificate for anything - and he will feel utterly betrayed and justifiably furious with you all. He also needs to know and has a right to know about his origins and to have access to his medical history. If he ever wants to try to make contact with his biological father, he needs to be able to do that, no matter what the outcome or how big an asshat that guy may be.
I would suggest making books like When We Married Gary part of your reading rotation, but also paying careful attention to making sure your son is presented with a very wide range of family norms with books on single parent families, foster families, adopted family, and same sex parents. The wider the range the more accepting he'll be of the message "there are all kinds of families and this is how we made ours."
posted by DarlingBri at 3:39 PM on March 1, 2013 [19 favorites]
It sounds like a lot of what's happened is because your wife probably did not consult an attorney way back when.
Ultimately, your source for all if this anxiety, IMHO, is that none of you (including mom a bio-dad) are clear on your rights and responsibilities concerning custody. How terrifying that must be.
Getting clarification on the legal issues will give you peace of mind and make it MUCH easier to discuss your son's parentage with him as he grows up.
posted by jbenben at 3:39 PM on March 1, 2013 [7 favorites]
Ultimately, your source for all if this anxiety, IMHO, is that none of you (including mom a bio-dad) are clear on your rights and responsibilities concerning custody. How terrifying that must be.
Getting clarification on the legal issues will give you peace of mind and make it MUCH easier to discuss your son's parentage with him as he grows up.
posted by jbenben at 3:39 PM on March 1, 2013 [7 favorites]
Acknowledging the truth of this situation does not equal inviting the psycho into your life.
As was pointed out above, you need to get the legality of this sorted out. You guys are a family. Get a lawyer to help you make it official - at the very least, that you have sole custody. With the background you're describing, hopefully it won't be too hard to do.
Beyond that, there are a lot of adoptive family materials that can help you figure out "word tracks" for explaining to your boy that he's yours by virtue of love and choice, and that his biological parent was someone else.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:39 PM on March 1, 2013
As was pointed out above, you need to get the legality of this sorted out. You guys are a family. Get a lawyer to help you make it official - at the very least, that you have sole custody. With the background you're describing, hopefully it won't be too hard to do.
Beyond that, there are a lot of adoptive family materials that can help you figure out "word tracks" for explaining to your boy that he's yours by virtue of love and choice, and that his biological parent was someone else.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:39 PM on March 1, 2013
Absolutely, tell him. Now is the best time to start telling him, in age appropriate terms. You could use photo albums to start the conversation- pointing out photos of him, his mom, yourself (using Daddy or whatever term you like), biological dad. At this age he may not have many questions but it's still good to let him know so that he can grow up always having known that he has his birth father and his forever father (or whatever term you use).
I was adopted and my parents waited until I was older to let me know. It was a scary conversation ( I thought that they were telling me because something was wrong, or that my bio parents were coming back). I felt like they had been lying to me and wished that they had been upfront from the beginning.
I work with children, and the foster/adopted kids I have met that were told from a young age are usually pretty nonchalant about the whole thing- it's just how their families are.
posted by Lay Off The Books at 3:48 PM on March 1, 2013 [4 favorites]
I was adopted and my parents waited until I was older to let me know. It was a scary conversation ( I thought that they were telling me because something was wrong, or that my bio parents were coming back). I felt like they had been lying to me and wished that they had been upfront from the beginning.
I work with children, and the foster/adopted kids I have met that were told from a young age are usually pretty nonchalant about the whole thing- it's just how their families are.
posted by Lay Off The Books at 3:48 PM on March 1, 2013 [4 favorites]
Also, you might want to have the mods delete this question entirely, even though you've anonymized it.
From your narrative, it sounds like your wife actively encouraged bio-dad out of the picture. I'm not sure that's legal (depending on your jurisdiction) and it might not look good for her/you that this particular version of events exists.
posted by jbenben at 3:49 PM on March 1, 2013 [3 favorites]
From your narrative, it sounds like your wife actively encouraged bio-dad out of the picture. I'm not sure that's legal (depending on your jurisdiction) and it might not look good for her/you that this particular version of events exists.
posted by jbenben at 3:49 PM on March 1, 2013 [3 favorites]
I just have to reiterate something. Until you get the legalities sorted in this custody arrangement, I think it's unwise to tell him anything that doesn't jibe with your current situation. Which is, you are mom's boyfriend and you really do care for both of them an awful lot and you plan to stick around for awhile.
If you truly wish to be this boy's legal guardian, you must take steps to get everything on the up and up. Telling the kid that you are his father because you love him only works until bio dad shows up to assert his parental rights or the mother becomes incapacitated and you have no ability to keep the boy in the face of her parents or sister or aunt or the extended family of psycho ex showing up and asserting their rights.
Part of this boy's story ought not to be: I was your father because I really loved you but I didn't take the necessary steps and now I'm not allowed in your life. Right?
Best of luck to you. I can tell that this situation is fraught. You'll feel better after you start talking to an attorney about options and the bigger picture of what is available to you. That will make things a little more clear.
posted by amanda at 3:53 PM on March 1, 2013 [6 favorites]
If you truly wish to be this boy's legal guardian, you must take steps to get everything on the up and up. Telling the kid that you are his father because you love him only works until bio dad shows up to assert his parental rights or the mother becomes incapacitated and you have no ability to keep the boy in the face of her parents or sister or aunt or the extended family of psycho ex showing up and asserting their rights.
Part of this boy's story ought not to be: I was your father because I really loved you but I didn't take the necessary steps and now I'm not allowed in your life. Right?
Best of luck to you. I can tell that this situation is fraught. You'll feel better after you start talking to an attorney about options and the bigger picture of what is available to you. That will make things a little more clear.
posted by amanda at 3:53 PM on March 1, 2013 [6 favorites]
See a lawyer and a counselor. They should be able to cover both the legal minefield you are tiptoeing through, and help you bring into focus a few other issues that you are trying to deal with now. The legal issues are not trivial.
The decision regarding what to tell the child will belong to both you and your wife. She's clearly distressed. The above steps will also help her to sort out her specific issues from your specific issues. Although you have issues in common, your position (as a step-father) is quite different from hers.
Hold off talking to the boy until you get your feet under you, and know what you want to say...and how to say it.
posted by mule98J at 3:56 PM on March 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
The decision regarding what to tell the child will belong to both you and your wife. She's clearly distressed. The above steps will also help her to sort out her specific issues from your specific issues. Although you have issues in common, your position (as a step-father) is quite different from hers.
Hold off talking to the boy until you get your feet under you, and know what you want to say...and how to say it.
posted by mule98J at 3:56 PM on March 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
You should tell him and your wife should seriously consider having bio-dad in son's life. I'm pretty sure it's illegal to refuse visitation just because the father isn't paying child support. If "psycho" dad is expressing interest in seeing his son, you and your wife should absolutely make that happen for your son's benefit.
I'm wondering why your wife required supervised visits. Was this mandated? Or, something she came up with? Is psycho dad a criminal, violent, abusive? He absolutely deserves to see his child and your son deserves to know his biological father. I know it can be very difficult and everybody just wants psycho dad to go away, but is this best thing for the child? My sister had/has a psycho dad situation too. She still wanted her son to know his father.
posted by Fairchild at 4:13 PM on March 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm wondering why your wife required supervised visits. Was this mandated? Or, something she came up with? Is psycho dad a criminal, violent, abusive? He absolutely deserves to see his child and your son deserves to know his biological father. I know it can be very difficult and everybody just wants psycho dad to go away, but is this best thing for the child? My sister had/has a psycho dad situation too. She still wanted her son to know his father.
posted by Fairchild at 4:13 PM on March 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
There are certainly legal issues that I don't know at all about. I do agree that by ignoring them, you and your wife are in danger of greater issues down the line.
Socially, I have... not a completely analogous situation, but it might be illustrative.
My mother had a sister that was estranged from the family. Even though I never met her, I still knew who she was. My mother still told stories about her. When we talked about families, as kids want to do from time to time, my mother included her sister in the enumration of family members.
My estranged aunt was part of my life story, and your kid's bio dad should be part of his. It doesn't have to be a big revelation - 3 years old seems like the perfect age to start learning this through osmosis.
posted by muddgirl at 4:24 PM on March 1, 2013 [2 favorites]
Socially, I have... not a completely analogous situation, but it might be illustrative.
My mother had a sister that was estranged from the family. Even though I never met her, I still knew who she was. My mother still told stories about her. When we talked about families, as kids want to do from time to time, my mother included her sister in the enumration of family members.
My estranged aunt was part of my life story, and your kid's bio dad should be part of his. It doesn't have to be a big revelation - 3 years old seems like the perfect age to start learning this through osmosis.
posted by muddgirl at 4:24 PM on March 1, 2013 [2 favorites]
So do we say anything? My gut says "yes, of course" but my (selfish) heart says "no! He's yours, and never say a word."
And your head should be saying "well, it would be far better for me to tell him and get a real legal custody agreement in place BEFORE a strange man turns up at his elementary school saying hi kiddo, I'm your real dad and legally I have the right to pick you up from school, off we go"
posted by jacalata at 5:12 PM on March 1, 2013 [8 favorites]
And your head should be saying "well, it would be far better for me to tell him and get a real legal custody agreement in place BEFORE a strange man turns up at his elementary school saying hi kiddo, I'm your real dad and legally I have the right to pick you up from school, off we go"
posted by jacalata at 5:12 PM on March 1, 2013 [8 favorites]
My situation is very different, but I think there's a common emotional element to adoption. I am a birthmother with a grown son (born when I was a teenager and adopted, six years into reunion), and a preteen daughter I'm parenting. I never wanted my daughter to remember some shocking moment when I sat her down and told her about her older brother. From the time she was even remotely able to understand, I started talking to her about him, and his adoption. It was confusing for her sometimes, awkward for me, but she grew up knowing and it doesn't seem weird. By contrast, my son's parents didn't tell him he was adopted until he was 13, at which time he found out his parents weren't his "real" parents and his siblings weren't his "real" brother and sister. I think it contributed to his feeling of being "other." My best friend had a similar situation to yours, her parents told her when we were 14 that her dad had adopted her when she was a year old and some other guy was her biological father and those nice people she sometimes visited were actually her paternal grandparents. It was so confusing and devastating for her.
I think, for you, the best is to just get out with it already, maybe there will be some messy conversations because he's too little to really grasp it, but it will be okay. I think three is a fine age to start.
posted by upatree at 5:15 PM on March 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think, for you, the best is to just get out with it already, maybe there will be some messy conversations because he's too little to really grasp it, but it will be okay. I think three is a fine age to start.
posted by upatree at 5:15 PM on March 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
"When I first met you and your mom, you were a year old, and I knew IMMEDIATELY that I wanted to be your dad! I had been looking and looking everywhere to find you and as soon as I saw you I knew you were my son and I was your dad because I loved you before I even met you, and now I love you fives times as much. Ten times as much! A million trillion times as much! KISS MONSTER COMING WITH KISSES! MWAH MWAH MWAH MWAH MWAH."
Tell him the story lots of times, whenever you happen to be thinking about how glad you are he's in your life. The important thing isn't how you got to BE a family -- the important thing is that you ARE a family and you love each other. Don't be dishonest with him about it, and keep in mind that it has a different emotional import for him than for you. For you it's this big stressor for your wife and a threat to your role with your son. For your son, you're the only father he's known, and it's just a love story of how you guys got to be a family. It isn't scary or taboo or upsetting for him unless you give it that weight when you talk about it.
You and your wife need to talk to a family lawyer and maybe a therapist about sorting out the rest of it to ensure that you have legal rights to your son. Maybe not immediately, but you do need a plan. A therapist can also help you think about how to broach the topic of his biological father when he starts having questions.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:35 PM on March 1, 2013 [23 favorites]
Tell him the story lots of times, whenever you happen to be thinking about how glad you are he's in your life. The important thing isn't how you got to BE a family -- the important thing is that you ARE a family and you love each other. Don't be dishonest with him about it, and keep in mind that it has a different emotional import for him than for you. For you it's this big stressor for your wife and a threat to your role with your son. For your son, you're the only father he's known, and it's just a love story of how you guys got to be a family. It isn't scary or taboo or upsetting for him unless you give it that weight when you talk about it.
You and your wife need to talk to a family lawyer and maybe a therapist about sorting out the rest of it to ensure that you have legal rights to your son. Maybe not immediately, but you do need a plan. A therapist can also help you think about how to broach the topic of his biological father when he starts having questions.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:35 PM on March 1, 2013 [23 favorites]
Hi, child of closed midsixties adoption here.
I was raised always knowing I was adopted, and believing I knew everything my parents did about my birthparents, which is roughly nothing. Within the past two years, I learned that my parents actually had access to and had been told a fair amount about my birthparents (which remained entirely non-identifying). It was deeply shocking to me that my folks hadn't shared every single bit of that information with me as soon as I was able to talk, as my adopted status is something I cannot ever recall not knowing.
So be open with your child about the facts of his birth and family now.
Beyond my personal perspective, I commented recently in another thread and want to link to that here.
The UN Convention on the Rights of the Child states that
The child shall be registered immediately after birth and shall have the right from birth to a name, the right to acquire a nationality and, as far as possible, the right to know and be cared for by his or her parents.
Now, this is diplomatic language with a lot of wiggle room, but the part of it I want to call your attention to is that the child has the right to know. I am legally constrained from exercising that right by the government of my birth state, and I am pissed off about it, and while I don't think my parents' decision to withhold information about my birth parents necessarily contributes to this, it may yet prove to, and I will not be happy about it should that come to pass.
Your son's birth father may be a dangerous tool who should not be in the same room with your child, but your child has the right to know him. To be more specific, your child has the right to decide if he wishes to know his father. This is where it gets tricky.
I think my parents interpreted the well intended instructions they were given regarding adoption information disclosure in a way that encouraged me not to seek information about my birth parents. Telling your son that his birth father is a monster and a heel will certainly produce the same result. You need to figure out how to communicate your concern about the birth father's character in a way that will permit your son to make up his own mind.
Not being a parent myself, I am ignorant of the finer details of child cognitive and emotional development. But I can tell you I wish my parents had told me everything they know about my birth parents as soon as I began to talk, because learning that they hadn't when I was north of forty is something I am not happy about.
posted by mwhybark at 6:01 PM on March 1, 2013 [3 favorites]
I was raised always knowing I was adopted, and believing I knew everything my parents did about my birthparents, which is roughly nothing. Within the past two years, I learned that my parents actually had access to and had been told a fair amount about my birthparents (which remained entirely non-identifying). It was deeply shocking to me that my folks hadn't shared every single bit of that information with me as soon as I was able to talk, as my adopted status is something I cannot ever recall not knowing.
So be open with your child about the facts of his birth and family now.
Beyond my personal perspective, I commented recently in another thread and want to link to that here.
The UN Convention on the Rights of the Child states that
The child shall be registered immediately after birth and shall have the right from birth to a name, the right to acquire a nationality and, as far as possible, the right to know and be cared for by his or her parents.
Now, this is diplomatic language with a lot of wiggle room, but the part of it I want to call your attention to is that the child has the right to know. I am legally constrained from exercising that right by the government of my birth state, and I am pissed off about it, and while I don't think my parents' decision to withhold information about my birth parents necessarily contributes to this, it may yet prove to, and I will not be happy about it should that come to pass.
Your son's birth father may be a dangerous tool who should not be in the same room with your child, but your child has the right to know him. To be more specific, your child has the right to decide if he wishes to know his father. This is where it gets tricky.
I think my parents interpreted the well intended instructions they were given regarding adoption information disclosure in a way that encouraged me not to seek information about my birth parents. Telling your son that his birth father is a monster and a heel will certainly produce the same result. You need to figure out how to communicate your concern about the birth father's character in a way that will permit your son to make up his own mind.
Not being a parent myself, I am ignorant of the finer details of child cognitive and emotional development. But I can tell you I wish my parents had told me everything they know about my birth parents as soon as I began to talk, because learning that they hadn't when I was north of forty is something I am not happy about.
posted by mwhybark at 6:01 PM on March 1, 2013 [3 favorites]
I was adopted as an infant, and the best thing my parents did was to tell me about it even before I could understand. I don't remember not knowing, and they always framed it as making me "extra special" and "extra wanted" because they had to jump through all the legal hoops, and wait so long, and hope so much, and then they "chose" me. The story of my origins was one they told regularly as a bedtime story, and every time we looked at photo albums of me as a baby, and we were open about it with people outside the family. It wasn't a secret. That was awesome.
They spent a lot of time emphasizing that adoption was forever and no one could take me away, and that they couldn't give me back even if they wanted to. That it was no different legally from a birth child. This is something that, in your current situation, you can't say to your kid. I imagine that could be scary for him as he grows up, especially if he ever hears you talking with your wife about the potential custody issues. It will be especially scary to him if his bio-dad is a complete stranger, so that he has to fear being sent to live with someone he doesn't even know.
So (a) I would pursue adoption, even if that means more conflict with bio-dad in the short term. And (b) I would consult a lawyer about custody issues. I can't imagine that a guy who has not seen his kid in nearly two years would have any chance at getting custody, and if you can get reassurance on this point, you might be able to reassure your kid more too. (c) if you can't get reassurance on this legally, and/or you don't want to pursue adoption, I think you should make a big effort to never discuss your fears about custody in front of the kid. Or anywhere where he might overhear, which basically means never when he is in the same building as you.
posted by lollusc at 7:37 PM on March 1, 2013 [4 favorites]
They spent a lot of time emphasizing that adoption was forever and no one could take me away, and that they couldn't give me back even if they wanted to. That it was no different legally from a birth child. This is something that, in your current situation, you can't say to your kid. I imagine that could be scary for him as he grows up, especially if he ever hears you talking with your wife about the potential custody issues. It will be especially scary to him if his bio-dad is a complete stranger, so that he has to fear being sent to live with someone he doesn't even know.
So (a) I would pursue adoption, even if that means more conflict with bio-dad in the short term. And (b) I would consult a lawyer about custody issues. I can't imagine that a guy who has not seen his kid in nearly two years would have any chance at getting custody, and if you can get reassurance on this point, you might be able to reassure your kid more too. (c) if you can't get reassurance on this legally, and/or you don't want to pursue adoption, I think you should make a big effort to never discuss your fears about custody in front of the kid. Or anywhere where he might overhear, which basically means never when he is in the same building as you.
posted by lollusc at 7:37 PM on March 1, 2013 [4 favorites]
I am a child of such a family. My mother died when I was an infant and I was placed in a foster home. At some point I was returned to my bio father and his wife who became my "mom". She was not supportive and in fits of anger as I grew older loved nothing better then to point out my obvious non conformity into her family. The thing is I never knew what the story was with my bio mom. In our family this was a big secret. To say that when it came out (and usually it was done in anger) was a big cluster fuck. I wish to this day my father had been open about the whole thing. Tell your son the truth - that he's not your son from your body but in your heart he's all yours. That would mean so much. Wanted to add when he's a teenager and a general pain in the butt he will have flashes of decency to remember your support.
posted by lasamana at 7:38 PM on March 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by lasamana at 7:38 PM on March 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
Below is anecdata from the story of my life. It's my story and I'm sticken' to it.
I'm a male in my mid twenties, and I don't know my biological father. I know his name, but I don't know what he looks like; I don't even know what his voice sounds like. More practically-relevant is the fact that bottled up in the enigma of this man is half of my medical history.
He hooked up with my mom while they were in college one night, and I came into the world screaming and pissing nine months later. Bio-dad came from a well-to-do family and was around very briefly at the outset, but vanished. My mom had to have the state garnish his wages for child support, and he'd constantly move house without providing forwarding information. For other reasons that I won't detail here, this guy was, by all accounts, A Shitty Dude. I'm not sure if my mom threw him out of our life or locked the door after he showed himself out, but whatever the case, I consider myself incredibly lucky to have avoided him.
Every once in a while I go on a hell-bent Google odyssey to try to track him down, but it's always fruitless, and I'm always going the whole time wondering if it's the healthiest thing to be doing at that minute. I usually conclude that it isn't and give up, wondering what I was even trying to accomplish.
My mom married another man when I was very young, and I guess as a kid I remember vaguely understanding that my step-dad wasn't my biological father, but lacked the tools to know what that meant. I don't mean to pressurize your situation, but he came into my life when I was about three years old; I remember calling him by his first name before I started calling him Dad.
My step-dad had a pretty chaotic childhood as well. He spent most of his life in foster care and suffered abuse. He and I didn't have the healthiest of relationships when I was younger, and that's something that I'm still trying to cope with. Our relationship is better now, but I didn't have a positive have a male role model growing up; I ended up looking to my maternal grandfather for the sorts of things that most people look to their fathers for, and more recently I feel like my influences continue to be the other good men in my life. This latter part wasn't and isn't a bad thing by any means, but I feel like I have a lot more work to do. And I feel like it starts with my step-dad.
My mom told me about my bio-dad during my second year of college, and I'm glad she did. She grabbed the (thick, heavy) folder of court documents detailing his actions before they met and their actions thereafter, and we went for a beautiful summer evening's drive. I wouldn't describe what I felt then as a torrent of relief or anything like that, but it was nice to have some more of the puzzle pieces to work with. I had the folder with me for a little while after that, but I think it ended up in the fireplace.
I think John's bio-dad has proven that he's not the healthiest influence to have around, and I think that John's mother (your wife) knows this and is acting out of responsibility, not its opposite. My vote is to tell John about his situation, but to wait, as others are advising, until the time is right; whether that means he's six or sixteen is up to you. Waiting until you're ready isn't Not Telling Him until you start waiting longer than you need to. If you don't tell him, ever, then please realize that it might impact him in ways that you might not be anticipating.
You have the opportunity here to expose your son to all kinds of love, as well as life's realities, from the safety of your love for him. If bio-dad isn't worth being around, then move to adopt John and get the other guy out of your lives until John can deal with him on his own terms - if he ever wants to.
posted by Chutzler at 8:00 PM on March 1, 2013
I'm a male in my mid twenties, and I don't know my biological father. I know his name, but I don't know what he looks like; I don't even know what his voice sounds like. More practically-relevant is the fact that bottled up in the enigma of this man is half of my medical history.
He hooked up with my mom while they were in college one night, and I came into the world screaming and pissing nine months later. Bio-dad came from a well-to-do family and was around very briefly at the outset, but vanished. My mom had to have the state garnish his wages for child support, and he'd constantly move house without providing forwarding information. For other reasons that I won't detail here, this guy was, by all accounts, A Shitty Dude. I'm not sure if my mom threw him out of our life or locked the door after he showed himself out, but whatever the case, I consider myself incredibly lucky to have avoided him.
Every once in a while I go on a hell-bent Google odyssey to try to track him down, but it's always fruitless, and I'm always going the whole time wondering if it's the healthiest thing to be doing at that minute. I usually conclude that it isn't and give up, wondering what I was even trying to accomplish.
My mom married another man when I was very young, and I guess as a kid I remember vaguely understanding that my step-dad wasn't my biological father, but lacked the tools to know what that meant. I don't mean to pressurize your situation, but he came into my life when I was about three years old; I remember calling him by his first name before I started calling him Dad.
My step-dad had a pretty chaotic childhood as well. He spent most of his life in foster care and suffered abuse. He and I didn't have the healthiest of relationships when I was younger, and that's something that I'm still trying to cope with. Our relationship is better now, but I didn't have a positive have a male role model growing up; I ended up looking to my maternal grandfather for the sorts of things that most people look to their fathers for, and more recently I feel like my influences continue to be the other good men in my life. This latter part wasn't and isn't a bad thing by any means, but I feel like I have a lot more work to do. And I feel like it starts with my step-dad.
My mom told me about my bio-dad during my second year of college, and I'm glad she did. She grabbed the (thick, heavy) folder of court documents detailing his actions before they met and their actions thereafter, and we went for a beautiful summer evening's drive. I wouldn't describe what I felt then as a torrent of relief or anything like that, but it was nice to have some more of the puzzle pieces to work with. I had the folder with me for a little while after that, but I think it ended up in the fireplace.
I think John's bio-dad has proven that he's not the healthiest influence to have around, and I think that John's mother (your wife) knows this and is acting out of responsibility, not its opposite. My vote is to tell John about his situation, but to wait, as others are advising, until the time is right; whether that means he's six or sixteen is up to you. Waiting until you're ready isn't Not Telling Him until you start waiting longer than you need to. If you don't tell him, ever, then please realize that it might impact him in ways that you might not be anticipating.
You have the opportunity here to expose your son to all kinds of love, as well as life's realities, from the safety of your love for him. If bio-dad isn't worth being around, then move to adopt John and get the other guy out of your lives until John can deal with him on his own terms - if he ever wants to.
posted by Chutzler at 8:00 PM on March 1, 2013
Lots of good answers above!
Raise your son knowing he has a bio father. John is young still, you can introduce "bio father" as a concept, even if he never does know him in person. You can teach him that different families are made up all sorts of different ways. We all have family members we don't know or see, some who came before us, or who live far etc. As he ages and asks, give him honest (blame/drama free!!) answers. Let the bio father fail on his own, be a good dad and John will figure out who his bio father is for himself. You'll be his dad. As he grows all the stories he tells that start with "My dad..." will be about you. Even if he does have a relationship with bio father, you'll be dad.
I am the child in a similar situation and was not told. When I was 17 I found out on my own, seeing a paper that was out on the dining room table. Once hidden, there is never a good time to reveal this information. I had a hard couple years after finding out. I was devastated and had a pretty good identity crisis. I was mad at my parents. I was mad at everyone else in my family. No explanation they could give was good enough. Therapy helped. My bio father is a nice guy and I was mad at him, but not nearly as much as I was at my mom and dad.
posted by Swisstine at 9:16 PM on March 1, 2013
Raise your son knowing he has a bio father. John is young still, you can introduce "bio father" as a concept, even if he never does know him in person. You can teach him that different families are made up all sorts of different ways. We all have family members we don't know or see, some who came before us, or who live far etc. As he ages and asks, give him honest (blame/drama free!!) answers. Let the bio father fail on his own, be a good dad and John will figure out who his bio father is for himself. You'll be his dad. As he grows all the stories he tells that start with "My dad..." will be about you. Even if he does have a relationship with bio father, you'll be dad.
I am the child in a similar situation and was not told. When I was 17 I found out on my own, seeing a paper that was out on the dining room table. Once hidden, there is never a good time to reveal this information. I had a hard couple years after finding out. I was devastated and had a pretty good identity crisis. I was mad at my parents. I was mad at everyone else in my family. No explanation they could give was good enough. Therapy helped. My bio father is a nice guy and I was mad at him, but not nearly as much as I was at my mom and dad.
posted by Swisstine at 9:16 PM on March 1, 2013
Just to speak to the in and out biological parent issue, I'll join the chorus of sorting out the legal situation here.
I adopted my wife's child shortly after our marriage. The father was never involved in the child's life, left before birth, but it was still a worrying experience for the reasons you mention. Because there was no contact, we had to follow legal procedures basically putting out a notice in the paper stating that there was an adoption hearing with regard to the biological father. It was mostly a technicality, but during that time he could have shown up and said "I want to be involved" five years after the birth.
Everything turned out fine. Not once have I referred to my oldest as my step son. He's my son as much as our second child together, even though he knows I'm not his biological dad. It has been discussed in plain and "not a big deal" terms, though I'm sure he might have more questions later in life.
I'm not saying you should or shouldn't adopt this child, but you should 100% get legal advice about the situation.
posted by shinynewnick at 10:41 PM on March 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
I adopted my wife's child shortly after our marriage. The father was never involved in the child's life, left before birth, but it was still a worrying experience for the reasons you mention. Because there was no contact, we had to follow legal procedures basically putting out a notice in the paper stating that there was an adoption hearing with regard to the biological father. It was mostly a technicality, but during that time he could have shown up and said "I want to be involved" five years after the birth.
Everything turned out fine. Not once have I referred to my oldest as my step son. He's my son as much as our second child together, even though he knows I'm not his biological dad. It has been discussed in plain and "not a big deal" terms, though I'm sure he might have more questions later in life.
I'm not saying you should or shouldn't adopt this child, but you should 100% get legal advice about the situation.
posted by shinynewnick at 10:41 PM on March 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
stepping back in to note a couple things.
First, this is the most adoptee-rich thread MetaFilter has ever hosted that I am aware of, and I have been following the site for more than ten years (although, it must be admitted, not specifically for adoption threads). If anyone happens to know of a comparable one, please drop a link.
Second, I am interested in the common usage seen in this thread of "bio-" or "biological" to identify the persons physically responsible for the act of procreation that produced us, the adoptees.
This is the usage I formerly employed as well, but when I became cognizant that it was plausible one or more of my birth parents was aware of and emotionally affected by my birth, I began to consciously use "birth" instead. I think I learned the "biological parent" usage from my parents, and guess that it was the usage in fashion with adoption workers at the time of my birth.
posted by mwhybark at 11:26 PM on March 1, 2013 [2 favorites]
First, this is the most adoptee-rich thread MetaFilter has ever hosted that I am aware of, and I have been following the site for more than ten years (although, it must be admitted, not specifically for adoption threads). If anyone happens to know of a comparable one, please drop a link.
Second, I am interested in the common usage seen in this thread of "bio-" or "biological" to identify the persons physically responsible for the act of procreation that produced us, the adoptees.
This is the usage I formerly employed as well, but when I became cognizant that it was plausible one or more of my birth parents was aware of and emotionally affected by my birth, I began to consciously use "birth" instead. I think I learned the "biological parent" usage from my parents, and guess that it was the usage in fashion with adoption workers at the time of my birth.
posted by mwhybark at 11:26 PM on March 1, 2013 [2 favorites]
There's a pile of research from adoptee experience that says tell your kid early and often. Every adoptee is different, so your son may be the one with zero interest in his first dad, but right now you don't know, and he is more likely to want to know and benefit hugely from growing up knowing he as a first dad, then his mom met you and you became his second dad and love him hugely and forever, adapted with age-appropriate details added as he grows up. I have four in an open adoption, and one of them has near zero interest in his adoption, the other three are much more involved.
You really need to talk to a family lawyer about your legal status because it will vary hugely in different areas, and the what-ifs - first dad gets remarried, discovers he's sterile now and wants a relationship with his son, your son gets seriously ill and he butts in with a custody battle because he thinks you should treat him with herbs, etc etc - are big and scary.
The other thing I would really recommend is to talk about his first dad positively to him. This may be enormously hard, especially for your wife but this is half of your son's biological heritage. When kids hear negative things about their birth parents, they often internalise it and think "okay, my dad was a violent druggie, so I will probably end up like that too."
Be matter of fact about the bad stuff in an age appropriate way, like "He would get angry a lot and because he didn't learn how to show his anger safely the way you do like hitting a pillow or going for a long walk, we got scared and worried." You can get books for kids on specific issues that can be helpful with explaining adult problems.
But you know, your son's beautiful eyes, his long artistic fingers, his sweet smile - they came from somewhere too. Look for the good stuff you can point to. Talk about extended relatives if you're lucky enough to know the family tree ("Dan's mother played piano. I wonder if that's where you got your musical talent from!").
Look up life books for foster care kids - it's basically a photo album with captions that includes all the stuff and all the people, in a loving and matter-of-fact way. I have a love/hate with scrapbook, so instead we have photographs of their first family up all over our walls, and they carry wallet-sized photos, alongside photos of adoptive family with them.
posted by viggorlijah at 4:49 AM on March 2, 2013 [5 favorites]
You really need to talk to a family lawyer about your legal status because it will vary hugely in different areas, and the what-ifs - first dad gets remarried, discovers he's sterile now and wants a relationship with his son, your son gets seriously ill and he butts in with a custody battle because he thinks you should treat him with herbs, etc etc - are big and scary.
The other thing I would really recommend is to talk about his first dad positively to him. This may be enormously hard, especially for your wife but this is half of your son's biological heritage. When kids hear negative things about their birth parents, they often internalise it and think "okay, my dad was a violent druggie, so I will probably end up like that too."
Be matter of fact about the bad stuff in an age appropriate way, like "He would get angry a lot and because he didn't learn how to show his anger safely the way you do like hitting a pillow or going for a long walk, we got scared and worried." You can get books for kids on specific issues that can be helpful with explaining adult problems.
But you know, your son's beautiful eyes, his long artistic fingers, his sweet smile - they came from somewhere too. Look for the good stuff you can point to. Talk about extended relatives if you're lucky enough to know the family tree ("Dan's mother played piano. I wonder if that's where you got your musical talent from!").
Look up life books for foster care kids - it's basically a photo album with captions that includes all the stuff and all the people, in a loving and matter-of-fact way. I have a love/hate with scrapbook, so instead we have photographs of their first family up all over our walls, and they carry wallet-sized photos, alongside photos of adoptive family with them.
posted by viggorlijah at 4:49 AM on March 2, 2013 [5 favorites]
Apart from the legal stuff (oh my good gravy, please deal with that), there was an interesting detail in the NY Times first-person story the other day about the gay dudes who adopted the one-day-old baby they found in the subway station. They'd made a little cartoon book for the kid, explaining his story. So, in addition to the conversations that they had, the kiddo always had that picture book to look at and think about when he didn't want to verbalize or be public about what he was thinking, and to learn about how he was special, or wanted reassurance about if he was loved and if he was cared for.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 5:11 AM on March 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by RJ Reynolds at 5:11 AM on March 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
I apologize for not having a more sober source for this (the other publications were the Daily News and Daily Mail), but paternity is absolutely a very fragile legal issue for you right now--here's an exec who raised an infant as his own with a long-time partner, and because he didn't formalize the relationship, the absence of shared DNA means he's got a very, very weak custodial case after the mother's death, even as the only Dad this child has ever known. You're a car accident, or bad slip and fall, away from having no rights to your child of choice, not biology.
posted by availablelight at 7:55 AM on March 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by availablelight at 7:55 AM on March 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
We have a daughter, five, we adopted through the foster care system. We have a relationship with her biological mother, but not with her biological father (we've never met him - he never wanted to meet her). We are open with our daughter about the fact that she grew in someone else's tummy and her mom was sick (well, addicted to crack) and couldn't take care of her. We have a great, rewarding relationship with her mom who has gotten her act together and now has another child. My daughter loves her little sister.
At the same time, we haven't talked about her father. Yet. The fact that he has no interest in seeing her makes it more complicated, but as soon as she starts to understand the biology of how babies are made a little more, we're going to tell her that it was another man who got her mom pregnant. So, I would advocate for the truth, but in a way that John can understand. For example, you might start now talking about the fact that Mommy had a boyfriend before you two were married, just to get him used to the idea. Also, you might talk about how some kids have two daddies - one that they live with and one that they don't. Maybe there's a child around with that circumstance? We talk with our daughter frequently about the different living situations kids have.
Finally, even though it is scary, your wife needs to file for full custody and you need to adopt your son. I know how scary this can be (we had numerous threats to our daughter's adoption) but it needs to be done. He needs to be dealt with and have his emotional power removed. She should get an attorney and take care of it. I was recently in family court with our former foster son who is living with his father and hasn't seen his mother in over a year. The judge told the father to file for custody, even though the father has been concerned about rocking the boat.
I think you guys need to be able to exhale about all this and you can't if you're being held hostage by the father and feeling like you want to keep it all a secret from your son. One thing I do when I'm trying to make these kinds of decisions is imagine my daughter at eighteen and imagine myself explaining to her my thought process. That always makes it really clear what I need to do.
Everyone deserves the full truth about their own story. It's not right to hide the truth, even to protect the child. You aren't protecting them by doing that. You're making the truth scary.
posted by orsonet at 8:41 AM on March 2, 2013 [5 favorites]
At the same time, we haven't talked about her father. Yet. The fact that he has no interest in seeing her makes it more complicated, but as soon as she starts to understand the biology of how babies are made a little more, we're going to tell her that it was another man who got her mom pregnant. So, I would advocate for the truth, but in a way that John can understand. For example, you might start now talking about the fact that Mommy had a boyfriend before you two were married, just to get him used to the idea. Also, you might talk about how some kids have two daddies - one that they live with and one that they don't. Maybe there's a child around with that circumstance? We talk with our daughter frequently about the different living situations kids have.
Finally, even though it is scary, your wife needs to file for full custody and you need to adopt your son. I know how scary this can be (we had numerous threats to our daughter's adoption) but it needs to be done. He needs to be dealt with and have his emotional power removed. She should get an attorney and take care of it. I was recently in family court with our former foster son who is living with his father and hasn't seen his mother in over a year. The judge told the father to file for custody, even though the father has been concerned about rocking the boat.
I think you guys need to be able to exhale about all this and you can't if you're being held hostage by the father and feeling like you want to keep it all a secret from your son. One thing I do when I'm trying to make these kinds of decisions is imagine my daughter at eighteen and imagine myself explaining to her my thought process. That always makes it really clear what I need to do.
Everyone deserves the full truth about their own story. It's not right to hide the truth, even to protect the child. You aren't protecting them by doing that. You're making the truth scary.
posted by orsonet at 8:41 AM on March 2, 2013 [5 favorites]
I'm going to ignore the issues raised by others about legalities, custody, etc. and speak only to when to tell your son this. My answer, as a mother through adoption, is that you should never 'tell' him, but that he should always know this and it should be acknowledged in a casual way that's clear to him it's always okay to talk about it. This should never be news or a surprise to him. So I think that means you should tell him, as soon as possible, but not in an epic way.
My kids know they have two moms and two dads. Regarding terminology: we tend to say plain old "mom/dad" or "mother/father" because the context makes it clear if we're talking about the dad in the room next door or the other one. Biological dad and birth dad don't sound right to me, so we do sometimes use the phrase "first dad" if we need to differentiate. But choose the terminology that works for you.
But you need to make sure your discomfort with this is not transferred to your son. He needs to know he can always ask questions, that there is nothing wrong or shameful or bad. This is neutral information. Medical history is the big issue people raise, and if that convinces you, great, but I think there are ethical reasons beyond medical to share his story.
The thing that always convinces me about this: this story, which I know, about my children's early history, is not actually *my* story. It is their story, and I am keeping track of details for them, but I don't get to know anything about their history, story, etc that is not theirs to know (at age appropriate times).
And if it helps convince you at all, I can tell you one of my kids has a pretty terrible story in their past that it would be much, much easier not tell about. But it's not my choice, you know?
Good luck. I think you might find books about adoption (for kids who were adopted or parents who adopted) are helpful to you in terms of framing.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:45 PM on March 2, 2013 [4 favorites]
My kids know they have two moms and two dads. Regarding terminology: we tend to say plain old "mom/dad" or "mother/father" because the context makes it clear if we're talking about the dad in the room next door or the other one. Biological dad and birth dad don't sound right to me, so we do sometimes use the phrase "first dad" if we need to differentiate. But choose the terminology that works for you.
But you need to make sure your discomfort with this is not transferred to your son. He needs to know he can always ask questions, that there is nothing wrong or shameful or bad. This is neutral information. Medical history is the big issue people raise, and if that convinces you, great, but I think there are ethical reasons beyond medical to share his story.
The thing that always convinces me about this: this story, which I know, about my children's early history, is not actually *my* story. It is their story, and I am keeping track of details for them, but I don't get to know anything about their history, story, etc that is not theirs to know (at age appropriate times).
And if it helps convince you at all, I can tell you one of my kids has a pretty terrible story in their past that it would be much, much easier not tell about. But it's not my choice, you know?
Good luck. I think you might find books about adoption (for kids who were adopted or parents who adopted) are helpful to you in terms of framing.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:45 PM on March 2, 2013 [4 favorites]
Another child of a closed adoption in the sixties here.
I've spent a lot of time with adoptees who were lied to about their origins. Lies like not being told they're adopted and finding out on their own. Or being told during adolescence--as if that period of life isn't hard enough. It is nothing short of devastating to discover everyone around you has been keeping this big secret about you.
Please tell your son starting right now, using some of the great language above. Kids don't stigmatize what you don't stigmatize, so if you explain it like just another fact of life, then it will be. ( A caution to please not use phrases like "I loved you before I met you" though, as that makes no sense to either a child or adult adoptee.)
I never remember not knowing I was adopted as an infant. As a result, I've never considered the mere fact of my adoption as a hindrance or anything negative.
Of course you have to tell him. Do not keep this secret. And do not ask others to keep it for you. That's a losing strategy. And his being adopted (yes, you should pursue it) doesn't make you love him any less.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 11:27 PM on March 2, 2013 [2 favorites]
I've spent a lot of time with adoptees who were lied to about their origins. Lies like not being told they're adopted and finding out on their own. Or being told during adolescence--as if that period of life isn't hard enough. It is nothing short of devastating to discover everyone around you has been keeping this big secret about you.
Please tell your son starting right now, using some of the great language above. Kids don't stigmatize what you don't stigmatize, so if you explain it like just another fact of life, then it will be. ( A caution to please not use phrases like "I loved you before I met you" though, as that makes no sense to either a child or adult adoptee.)
I never remember not knowing I was adopted as an infant. As a result, I've never considered the mere fact of my adoption as a hindrance or anything negative.
Of course you have to tell him. Do not keep this secret. And do not ask others to keep it for you. That's a losing strategy. And his being adopted (yes, you should pursue it) doesn't make you love him any less.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 11:27 PM on March 2, 2013 [2 favorites]
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So yes, make it part of his story. It'll be 1,000,000 times better than any fake story you can weave, with the hopes that bio dad doesn't show up at some point, or that the truth comes out later.
If you want your son's trust, you have to trust him.
posted by barnone at 3:18 PM on March 1, 2013 [19 favorites]