Restorative justice in the workplace
August 17, 2024 12:11 AM Subscribe
I am a survivor of workplace bullying from a (now former) supervisor. I resigned, but the company wanted to keep me so I was moved to a different division, problem solved. However the person who bullied me is in line for a promotion and has asked to "meet and clear the air." I have agreed to a mediated, restorative justice conversation. Have you done this in the workplace? What made it successful (or not)?
I am mainly familiar with the concept of restorative justice in the legal sense -- victim impact statements, statements of remorse from the perpetrator, everyone gets closure and moves on. I am somewhat skeptical of this philosophy at the best of times, and I am particularly skeptical right now as the request seems clearly tied to this person's potential promotion. Before that was floated, they were in full-on DARVO mode and tried to get me to apologize to them; I refused. If promoted, they would become my skip-level supervisor.
There is zero chance this person will be fired; HR is aware of the extent and pervasiveness of the bullying (i.e. not just me) but the person brings in lots of $$ so they look like The Golden Child to their peers and the execs, meanwhile everyone below them is walking on eggshells. I have an exit plan in place but it will take a little while to pull off, so it's in my best interest to stay here for now. Hence restorative justice.
To summarize, my concerns are:
- bully is disingenuous but can be charming enough to fool an outside observer
- I am a people-pleaser and tend to go along to get along
- some of the bullying was professional, some of it was personal. some was even targeted at my family members (which is what finally woke me up to how unhinged the situation was). the bully was very careful to avoid mention of any EEOC protected characteristics, however
- I am worried that having to revisit a year's worth of systemic belittling and retaliation will turn into re-traumatization
- RJ seems like a buzzword, not sure what it actually entails
I have shared these concerns with the mediator, who made sympathetic noises but still thinks this is the best way forward.
If you have participated in RJ, please let me know (if you can) what made it successful or what I should watch out for.
I am mainly familiar with the concept of restorative justice in the legal sense -- victim impact statements, statements of remorse from the perpetrator, everyone gets closure and moves on. I am somewhat skeptical of this philosophy at the best of times, and I am particularly skeptical right now as the request seems clearly tied to this person's potential promotion. Before that was floated, they were in full-on DARVO mode and tried to get me to apologize to them; I refused. If promoted, they would become my skip-level supervisor.
There is zero chance this person will be fired; HR is aware of the extent and pervasiveness of the bullying (i.e. not just me) but the person brings in lots of $$ so they look like The Golden Child to their peers and the execs, meanwhile everyone below them is walking on eggshells. I have an exit plan in place but it will take a little while to pull off, so it's in my best interest to stay here for now. Hence restorative justice.
To summarize, my concerns are:
- bully is disingenuous but can be charming enough to fool an outside observer
- I am a people-pleaser and tend to go along to get along
- some of the bullying was professional, some of it was personal. some was even targeted at my family members (which is what finally woke me up to how unhinged the situation was). the bully was very careful to avoid mention of any EEOC protected characteristics, however
- I am worried that having to revisit a year's worth of systemic belittling and retaliation will turn into re-traumatization
- RJ seems like a buzzword, not sure what it actually entails
I have shared these concerns with the mediator, who made sympathetic noises but still thinks this is the best way forward.
If you have participated in RJ, please let me know (if you can) what made it successful or what I should watch out for.
What do you get out of this? It seems to entirely benefit your bully. I agree that your complaint is a sticking point and HR needs this session to check this box to sign off on the bully’s promotion. HR (including the mediator, i’d assume?) is not your advocate, it’s the company’s advocate. If you go to this session, i would say *nothing*. Make no indication that any foregiveness has taken place. Take notes, evaluate it calmly after the fact and email HR with your takeaways, namely, whether they seem genuinely contrite or not.
posted by supercres at 12:21 AM on August 17 [18 favorites]
posted by supercres at 12:21 AM on August 17 [18 favorites]
This doesn’t sound like it benefits you in any way, and in your shoes, I wouldn’t do it. Unless you can identify a clear benefit to yourself, other than just smoothing over other people’s discomfort or letting a bully of the hook.
Hi HR,
I wanted to let you know that on reflection, I prefer not to move forward in the restorative justice conversation with Person.
Thank you,
Name.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 12:49 AM on August 17 [41 favorites]
Hi HR,
I wanted to let you know that on reflection, I prefer not to move forward in the restorative justice conversation with Person.
Thank you,
Name.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 12:49 AM on August 17 [41 favorites]
I would absolutely not agree to do this.
Since your management wants to paper over the past and promote the bully, they are looking for excuses to downplay the bullying. It is likely that your involvement in this meeting will be framed afterwards as "letting go of the past and starting with a blank slate" or even "OP recanted the prior accusations, admitted to overreacting, acknowledged they shared fault for what happened, and agreed to collaborate in the future".
It doesn't even matter what you say in the meeting, because people will rarely go read the notes. The existence of the meeting will be sufficient. I have seen this happen. It creates a similar perception to situations when a victim drops legal charges against their assailant and says they will "meet to clear the air" instead. It is viewed as a recanting.
Your bully will likely be angry inside at having to swallow their ego and do this meeting. After they are promoted into your skip level supervisor, they may take it out on you with elevated bullying. This time if you try to report it again, you may get the response, "Didn't you already clear the air and both acknowledge fault and agree to work it out between yourselves? You've gone backwards and started complaining again?" It would be similar to how a victim may have a harder time getting help after they dropped legal charges previously. Your bully will also be aware of this phenomenon, and it will free them to bully harder.
posted by vienna at 1:54 AM on August 17 [50 favorites]
Since your management wants to paper over the past and promote the bully, they are looking for excuses to downplay the bullying. It is likely that your involvement in this meeting will be framed afterwards as "letting go of the past and starting with a blank slate" or even "OP recanted the prior accusations, admitted to overreacting, acknowledged they shared fault for what happened, and agreed to collaborate in the future".
It doesn't even matter what you say in the meeting, because people will rarely go read the notes. The existence of the meeting will be sufficient. I have seen this happen. It creates a similar perception to situations when a victim drops legal charges against their assailant and says they will "meet to clear the air" instead. It is viewed as a recanting.
Your bully will likely be angry inside at having to swallow their ego and do this meeting. After they are promoted into your skip level supervisor, they may take it out on you with elevated bullying. This time if you try to report it again, you may get the response, "Didn't you already clear the air and both acknowledge fault and agree to work it out between yourselves? You've gone backwards and started complaining again?" It would be similar to how a victim may have a harder time getting help after they dropped legal charges previously. Your bully will also be aware of this phenomenon, and it will free them to bully harder.
posted by vienna at 1:54 AM on August 17 [50 favorites]
Real RJ isn't about clearing the air. It also isn't about trying to rehabilitate the offender, though in the best case that's a side effect. The focus is on the victim and making the victim whole. It only works if the offender acknowledges and is willing to take responsibility for the harm they did and take real steps to make the victim whole. It doesn't sound like this person has even started to view themselves as an offender to begin with, so they're not a good candidate for this process.
posted by trig at 1:54 AM on August 17 [23 favorites]
posted by trig at 1:54 AM on August 17 [23 favorites]
Also it is not a one-conversation process. Neither is real mediation.
posted by trig at 1:58 AM on August 17 [10 favorites]
posted by trig at 1:58 AM on August 17 [10 favorites]
If this was really about restorative justice, or any kind of justice, it would have happened back when you first made the bullying allegations, and it would have happened in the context of deciding whether the bully would be fired or allowed to stay on.
The delayed timing and the context being the bully's promotion are both proof that this is not about any kind of justice and it will not be restorative for you. This is pure PR for the bully. You're the patsy at whose expense the bully gets free PR.
posted by MiraK at 3:24 AM on August 17 [23 favorites]
The delayed timing and the context being the bully's promotion are both proof that this is not about any kind of justice and it will not be restorative for you. This is pure PR for the bully. You're the patsy at whose expense the bully gets free PR.
posted by MiraK at 3:24 AM on August 17 [23 favorites]
No! Do not do this! You're going to be gaslit and re-traumatized! No!
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:00 AM on August 17 [25 favorites]
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:00 AM on August 17 [25 favorites]
I have shared these concerns with the mediator, who made sympathetic noises but still thinks this is the best way forward.
Also: that is the response of a mediator who is working for the company's interests, not yours. A real RJ mediator would never push you into this; they're meant to work on the victim's behalf, and let the victim define what the best way forward means to them.
Have they even asked you what restoration would look like, to you?
This is a corporate process using buzzwords to try to smooth things over, to protect both the perpetrator and itself (after all, it sounds like this harassment happened on company time using company resources and the company is continuing to employ this person in positions of power over others.). It's not a good-faith process aimed at repairing wrongs done to you.
posted by trig at 5:32 AM on August 17 [17 favorites]
Also: that is the response of a mediator who is working for the company's interests, not yours. A real RJ mediator would never push you into this; they're meant to work on the victim's behalf, and let the victim define what the best way forward means to them.
Have they even asked you what restoration would look like, to you?
This is a corporate process using buzzwords to try to smooth things over, to protect both the perpetrator and itself (after all, it sounds like this harassment happened on company time using company resources and the company is continuing to employ this person in positions of power over others.). It's not a good-faith process aimed at repairing wrongs done to you.
posted by trig at 5:32 AM on August 17 [17 favorites]
However the person who bullied me is in line for a promotion and has asked to "meet and clear the air." I have agreed to a mediated, restorative justice conversation.
Just echoing that this isn’t restorative justice. You didn’t ask for this meeting. The community isn’t helped by this meeting. The stated reason in your post is because there’s a promotion happening for someone who bullied you and they want to clear the air? This is not restorative justice. That’s just a buzzword, like meditating your way out of an irrational amount of work.
If you can cancel, cancel. If the company wants to promote this person, let them promote them without some meeting with you. If they feel like they can’t ethically do that b/c this person will be in contact with you again, well - they have the option of not promoting them. They are making a choice and should own it.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:56 AM on August 17 [9 favorites]
Just echoing that this isn’t restorative justice. You didn’t ask for this meeting. The community isn’t helped by this meeting. The stated reason in your post is because there’s a promotion happening for someone who bullied you and they want to clear the air? This is not restorative justice. That’s just a buzzword, like meditating your way out of an irrational amount of work.
If you can cancel, cancel. If the company wants to promote this person, let them promote them without some meeting with you. If they feel like they can’t ethically do that b/c this person will be in contact with you again, well - they have the option of not promoting them. They are making a choice and should own it.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:56 AM on August 17 [9 favorites]
I'm horrified that this person will be your boss's boss and directly in your chain of command again after all of this. This place is full of bees. I'd also nth bailing on this or saying nothing.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:15 AM on August 17 [8 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:15 AM on August 17 [8 favorites]
Ugh. HR wants to make sure they’re no legal issues for this other person after promotion. Whatever you do, don’t sign anything!
posted by St. Peepsburg at 7:43 AM on August 17 [9 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 7:43 AM on August 17 [9 favorites]
Absolutely not! This is set up by the company to cover its but so it doesn't get sued, and can answer to other employees who no doubt this person bullied too. Just because they didn't harass you based on a protected class, doesn't mean it wasn't harassment that the company is liable for! I would absolutely decline to do this and state clearly that this person is expected to be professional in the workplace, and that is your expectation for all involved moving forward.
posted by Toddles at 7:44 AM on August 17 [5 favorites]
posted by Toddles at 7:44 AM on August 17 [5 favorites]
If you have the resources, I might talk with a lawyer with experience in labor issues. They might help you word the response to HR so it works to your advantage if you sue later on.
posted by signal at 7:47 AM on August 17 [11 favorites]
posted by signal at 7:47 AM on August 17 [11 favorites]
QUIT.
I know it’s not that simple, but please find a new job ASAP if you’re able. This is going to end badly in the long run.
posted by throwitawayurthegarbageman at 8:55 AM on August 17 [4 favorites]
I know it’s not that simple, but please find a new job ASAP if you’re able. This is going to end badly in the long run.
posted by throwitawayurthegarbageman at 8:55 AM on August 17 [4 favorites]
Fuck that noise. The restorative here is to restore the bully's reputation and standing in the company. Do not engage. "Having read a little on restorative justice in preparation for the previously agreed to meeting, i do not recognise any aspect of that method in the proposed meeting and therefore withdraw"
posted by Iteki at 9:18 AM on August 17 [9 favorites]
posted by Iteki at 9:18 AM on August 17 [9 favorites]
Excusez moi? They want you to participate in clearing the way for your bully’s promotion and all future promotions?
Make no mistake— this session will effectively “delete” your complaint from the record allowing your bully a clean slate, and of course, cover your company’s ass.
And the important thing here is you will not feel any better. In fact I can only imagine feeling so so so much worse: gaslit, minimized, foolish, retraumatized. Anything remotely “restorative” this person says will be scripted and entirely in their own interest. Anything remotely not-magnanimous you say will be held against you forever. At best this is theater, at worst this is a sacrifice and you’re the lamb.
I’m so glad others are saying the same thing so I don’t have to rant and rave.
“I’ve reconsidered the offer, and have decided I won’t be participating in this session. Thanks so much.”
posted by kapers at 9:24 AM on August 17 [7 favorites]
Make no mistake— this session will effectively “delete” your complaint from the record allowing your bully a clean slate, and of course, cover your company’s ass.
And the important thing here is you will not feel any better. In fact I can only imagine feeling so so so much worse: gaslit, minimized, foolish, retraumatized. Anything remotely “restorative” this person says will be scripted and entirely in their own interest. Anything remotely not-magnanimous you say will be held against you forever. At best this is theater, at worst this is a sacrifice and you’re the lamb.
I’m so glad others are saying the same thing so I don’t have to rant and rave.
“I’ve reconsidered the offer, and have decided I won’t be participating in this session. Thanks so much.”
posted by kapers at 9:24 AM on August 17 [7 favorites]
Generally, real mediation is confidential, and I am not sure about RJ, so clarify the process. The mediator may not be able to share what WPH will disclose to you, including a potential apology. What you can say is that you need to know if this journey to the past is Worth YOUR Working Time. The employer has A Ton of other options for improving the employee and/or the work environment.
You can refuse the process, also, you can end the process if it’s only about this guy. You could simply say, this feels like it’s more about you than me. If you wish to argue rather than making peace for both of us, I am better off using my time productively back at my desk in a department that excludes working with, or around, you. The update that might clear the air is you taking full responsibility for [short list of WPH offenses toward you] and itemizing how this will no longer happen. Share as much or as little as you need to convince me that sustained improvement (with no WPH) is the ongoing New Normal.
This is not a time to Solve Everything. You can come to listen. The mediator should be mitigating power differences, such as him leaning on seniority to insist on an answer.
Read the fine print on the process/procedures too. Mediation and RJ practices are voluntary/opt-in. An investigation is typically not, and may be something that your employer may come back with that as a subsequent tool.
posted by childofTethys at 9:38 AM on August 17 [1 favorite]
You can refuse the process, also, you can end the process if it’s only about this guy. You could simply say, this feels like it’s more about you than me. If you wish to argue rather than making peace for both of us, I am better off using my time productively back at my desk in a department that excludes working with, or around, you. The update that might clear the air is you taking full responsibility for [short list of WPH offenses toward you] and itemizing how this will no longer happen. Share as much or as little as you need to convince me that sustained improvement (with no WPH) is the ongoing New Normal.
This is not a time to Solve Everything. You can come to listen. The mediator should be mitigating power differences, such as him leaning on seniority to insist on an answer.
Read the fine print on the process/procedures too. Mediation and RJ practices are voluntary/opt-in. An investigation is typically not, and may be something that your employer may come back with that as a subsequent tool.
posted by childofTethys at 9:38 AM on August 17 [1 favorite]
I am concerned that this person is about to become your skip-level supervisor. The purpose of the meeting may be an attempt to create a "clean slate" that will make it OK for you to report up to them. This may also impact your range of responses since it puts you in a lower power position to start with. My thought would be to try to avoid the meeting in the least dramatic way possible but you probably have a better sense of what is viable in your situation. (Do you want and could you get another transfer to move you back out of this person's reach?)
posted by metahawk at 9:51 AM on August 17 [4 favorites]
posted by metahawk at 9:51 AM on August 17 [4 favorites]
A good faith restorative justice process would not begin with the perpetrator having guaranteed employment and promotion. This is more likely to harm you than help you. Please proceed with caution.
posted by theotherdurassister at 10:01 AM on August 17 [3 favorites]
posted by theotherdurassister at 10:01 AM on August 17 [3 favorites]
best way forward
Best way forward to what? For whom?
I think you know the answers to those questions already. Don't do this.
posted by praemunire at 11:26 AM on August 17 [1 favorite]
Best way forward to what? For whom?
I think you know the answers to those questions already. Don't do this.
posted by praemunire at 11:26 AM on August 17 [1 favorite]
Absolutely not. They're trying to get around the impropriety of having you once again in this person's chain of command, and they're trying to get your consent to that. That's all this is.
posted by ctmf at 12:18 PM on August 17 [7 favorites]
posted by ctmf at 12:18 PM on August 17 [7 favorites]
In fact I'd get it documented in an email or something, if it's not already, that you positively *object* to this person being in your supervision chain again. Make promoting that person an organizational-structure headache figuring out how not to do that. Might be enough of a "con" in the pro/con hiring analysis for them to pick someone else and avoid the whole thing.
posted by ctmf at 12:30 PM on August 17 [1 favorite]
posted by ctmf at 12:30 PM on August 17 [1 favorite]
On the other hand, what if you were promoted at the same time to not be under them? What if you got a year's worth of severance pay and a nice bonus to resign? I mean, if someone's asking me what I want, I'll give them an honest answer. Turn "no" into "yes, if", but make sure the 'if' clause is really something that would make you happy. You're under no obligation to ask for less to "play nice" - they wouldn't be bothering to ask you if they didn't feel like there was any risk to them here.
posted by ctmf at 12:44 PM on August 17 [9 favorites]
posted by ctmf at 12:44 PM on August 17 [9 favorites]
"HR is aware of the extent and pervasiveness of the bullying (i.e. not just me)"
Yet you're the one being tasked to perform in this parody of a professionally-mediated restorative justice meeting with him, probably because your resignation and subsequent re-hire offer the best-documented evidence of his (and their) terribleness and the meeting offers them opportunity to paper over that over.
I don't see how the meeting described in your Ask benefits you, the injured party.
This company darling is a known problem, and another bullied employee, current or former, may decide his (and the employer's) unprofessionalism warrants legal action — actually, I'm a little worried that something like that is happening in the background right now, and was a factor in seeking to retain you as an employee? A sham meeting like the one proposed helps shield the bully and the company besotted by him, not you.
P.S. Regardless of what you do, you will not be permitted to meaningfully advance at your current place of employment. I'm sorry.
posted by Iris Gambol at 12:46 PM on August 17 [4 favorites]
Yet you're the one being tasked to perform in this parody of a professionally-mediated restorative justice meeting with him, probably because your resignation and subsequent re-hire offer the best-documented evidence of his (and their) terribleness and the meeting offers them opportunity to paper over that over.
I don't see how the meeting described in your Ask benefits you, the injured party.
This company darling is a known problem, and another bullied employee, current or former, may decide his (and the employer's) unprofessionalism warrants legal action — actually, I'm a little worried that something like that is happening in the background right now, and was a factor in seeking to retain you as an employee? A sham meeting like the one proposed helps shield the bully and the company besotted by him, not you.
P.S. Regardless of what you do, you will not be permitted to meaningfully advance at your current place of employment. I'm sorry.
posted by Iris Gambol at 12:46 PM on August 17 [4 favorites]
I'd consider consulting an employment lawyer. This just sounds like another round of bullying via the corporate apparatus. Someone who knows what they're doing might be able to turn this into a giant severance check with months of continued health insurance coverage.
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 1:32 PM on August 17 [13 favorites]
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 1:32 PM on August 17 [13 favorites]
I am a survivor of workplace bullying from a (now former) supervisor. I resigned, but the company wanted to keep me so I was moved to a different division, problem solved.
Here's the first issue: depending on the specific circumstances, moving you into a new position after you made a complaint (instead of doing anything about the supervisor) may actually qualify as retaliation, and it may give you options for legal redress.
Here's the second issue: coercing you into participating in restorative justice means that this is not, in fact, restorative justice. This company is full of shit and neither the mediator nor HR is to be trusted. I'm sorry.
I really, really think you should talk to an employment lawyer asap. Your options will depend on your jurisdiction and your specific circumstances -- but you may have better options than you think, and a lawyer can give you better advice than we can. A lawyer can also let you know if your best option is to just keep your head down and get into a new job asap. Good luck.
posted by ourobouros at 4:01 PM on August 17 [9 favorites]
Here's the first issue: depending on the specific circumstances, moving you into a new position after you made a complaint (instead of doing anything about the supervisor) may actually qualify as retaliation, and it may give you options for legal redress.
Here's the second issue: coercing you into participating in restorative justice means that this is not, in fact, restorative justice. This company is full of shit and neither the mediator nor HR is to be trusted. I'm sorry.
I really, really think you should talk to an employment lawyer asap. Your options will depend on your jurisdiction and your specific circumstances -- but you may have better options than you think, and a lawyer can give you better advice than we can. A lawyer can also let you know if your best option is to just keep your head down and get into a new job asap. Good luck.
posted by ourobouros at 4:01 PM on August 17 [9 favorites]
If you go to the meeting, bring a lawyer or some other advocate. Use your mobile to record audio. They will try to railroad you. You've stuck up for yourself, it's not easy. Good luck.
posted by theora55 at 4:11 PM on August 17 [3 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 4:11 PM on August 17 [3 favorites]
If you go to the meeting without a lawyer, then don't agree to anything final in the meeting. You will still want to consult a lawyer to make sure whatever they "tell" you they will do is documented and enforceable. Promises sometimes don't get kept.
posted by ctmf at 5:47 PM on August 17 [1 favorite]
posted by ctmf at 5:47 PM on August 17 [1 favorite]
I don't know where you are or what industry you're in, but do you have any access to a union?
posted by aosher at 6:41 AM on August 19 [1 favorite]
posted by aosher at 6:41 AM on August 19 [1 favorite]
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