Should I help out a company that treated me very badly in the past?

April 10, 2012 1:08 PM

Should I help out a company that treated me very badly in the past? Or should my sanity and I just walk away completely?

A few years and a couple of jobs ago, I was employed as an archivist with a small company. I loved the work I did there, but the workplace itself was complete hell. Long story short, it was a horribly abusive place where bullying and backstabbing was the norm (understatement of the century)... there was even some illegal behaviour that I can't discuss, but suffice to say it was bad. I left that place with a hefty case of Complex-PTSD as a result. One woman in particular was a psychopathic bully. In the time since I have left that place, I have heard through the grapevine that she has chased off at least two other employees who took over my job.

One of my kinder, gentler coworkers from this place reached out to me this weekend (completely out of the blue). She asked me for help on my procedures, etc. because now she has been assigned many of my old duties. However, she says she doesn't have the background with this kind of work (which is true, based upon my experience with her), so she wants my professional tutelege.

I *am* still doing this kind of work, so I am in a position to help, but I naturally have my reservations. Several family members and friends have suggested contracting my services out to this place (along the lines of a personal consultation fee, to the tune of $75- to 100-/hr.).

So, MeFites:
1. I don't have a business license at present. If I contract my services out to this place, is it legal?
2. Supposing it is legal, I can't help but wonder if it's a bad idea to get involved again with a place that left me so deeply scarred, and could very possibly re-open some old wounds and/or trigger my Complex-PTSD. I know I don't owe them anything. Should I even bother at all? Or just walk away and continue building and enjoying the new life I'm living without them?

posted by chatelaine to work & money (26 answers total)

Oh god, do not go back to this place in any guise. You do not need this in your life. Walk away.

You are not responsible for training the people who took your place. That's the company's job.
posted by punchtothehead at 1:12 PM on April 10, 2012 [14 favorites]

Will you be working exclusively with said kinder, gentler coworker? What length of time/how much money are you looking at? Also, as a consultant, how much interoffice politics do you think you'll end up being involved in?
posted by griphus at 1:12 PM on April 10, 2012

Walk. Away. No, run. Quickly.

It's nice that you want to help someone who wasn't horrible to you. But you don't owe her, or them, your time or sanity.
posted by rtha at 1:13 PM on April 10, 2012 [3 favorites]

Can you split the difference? Don't do formal consulting for them, but why not meet the kindly ex-colleague for an hour or two to discuss the things she needs help with? You could meet her at a coffee shop or some other convenient place. You definitely don't owe that company anything, but if you want to just give her some help you can.
posted by BlahLaLa at 1:20 PM on April 10, 2012 [5 favorites]

Be kind. Meet her for lunch somewhere away from the office. She can pay. You can give her some tips to make it easier on her. You don't need to do any more than that. You can help her a little without having to be involved in the company drama.
posted by procrastination at 1:21 PM on April 10, 2012 [19 favorites]

I don't have a business license at present. If I contract my services out to this place, is it legal?

Yes. Unless your particular local jurisdiction has extremely unusual laws about consulting; I've never heard of a locality where a business license was a prerequisite for doing consulting work.

But I wouldn't do it. I have had pretty challenging experiences with consulting for former employers.
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:29 PM on April 10, 2012

Doesn't sound to me like you'd want to enter into a business relationship with these people because you can't guaranteed you'd get paid. At the least you'd need to pay to draw up a contract which might not be covered by your fees and the sums would be so small as to make litigation infeasible in the event of non-payment.

My instinct is not to offer informal help, just don't get involved.
posted by epo at 1:39 PM on April 10, 2012

What BlahLaLa and procrastination suggest --- maybe help out the kind former coworker, but DO NOT, under any circumstances, have anything whatsoever to deal with the company itself. Casually tutor/mentor her, perhaps at a coffee shop or one of your homes, but keep your interaction SOLELY to how to do those procedures she has questions about, and never EVER drag the specific company (or her other coworkers!) into the discussions.

As to whether to do it for free or to charge a 'consultant's fee', how much time & effort would this cost you? If merely a lunch meeting or two, free would be nice (maybe she could pay for your lunch?), but if it'll involve a signifigant period of your time then consider charging an hourly fee.
posted by easily confused at 1:40 PM on April 10, 2012

No, don't do this. I'm sure this person is, as an individual, someone nice who intends you no harm. However, this organization is not one you should be involved with at all, ever again, even a little bit. Just because a nice person asks you for something you are technically capable of giving, that does not mean you owe it to her. She is a professional in a paid position. She can find other resources to learn about this work. Worst case, if she truly has no idea what she's doing and can't figure out who else to ask for help, she can move on to another job because this isn't the right one for her anyway.

"I'm sorry, that won't be possible. Best of luck with the new position."

I'm going to disagree with those who suggest that you take her out for coffee. Unless you think it's safe for your mental health to connect with her to discuss work at your former company (and it sounds like you don't, and that's fine), I think it's unwise to maintain or renew any connection there. If you're wondering whether you should choose between going out of your way to help someone and preserving your sanity, your sanity wins. She's not in danger, you're not the only person who could help her--there is nothing about this situation that obligates you to compromise your mental well-being.
posted by Meg_Murry at 1:44 PM on April 10, 2012 [7 favorites]

maybe help out the kind former coworker, but DO NOT, under any circumstances, have anything whatsoever to deal with the company itself.

What I'd worry about is former co-worker mentioning to someone there that you'd shown her how to set up XYZ or whatever, and that that would get back to the bully. What good could come of that?
posted by rtha at 1:47 PM on April 10, 2012

Meg is so right. Does the co-worker know what happened to you there? If so shame on her for being 100% selfish and self-serving. Stay away from there. I wish I had.
posted by oh posey at 1:51 PM on April 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

Only speaking on the licensing part, I agree with Sidhedevil that no license is necessary (unless your jurisdiction is different than mine, which I suppose is possible). I've done many freelance/consulting archivist projects over the years, and I've never had any kind of license nor am I a Certified Archivist. I just pay taxes on the income.
posted by CheeseLouise at 1:54 PM on April 10, 2012

"I'm so sorry KG Coworker, but after I left [Hellhole Inc.] I trashed all the documentation I had for them. If you'd like to take me out to lunch sometime I'd be more than happy to answer some questions for you, but I don't have any procedures, etc. I can just hand over."

This covers you legally and still lets you be nice. Ball is firmly in old coworkers court.
posted by TooFewShoes at 2:06 PM on April 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

I think that dealing with this coworker could be as bad for you as dealing with the wrongdoers, no matter how nice she herself may be.

She works for them, so any interaction you have with her they will probably get to know about. And is it possible that she's contacting you at their request? Could she even ask for significant help from you without their authorisation? Is she expecting you to provide her with extensive training under the radar and for free - in that case, isn't that presumptuous? But you say it sounds like a contracting situation - of course she can't hire a contractor without the company's authorising it.

Aside from the concern that this offer isn't quite what it seems, I don't know what good it could possibly do you to resume an association with a bunch of criminals who bullied you to the point of psychiatric injury.

I'm sure Nicey McNiceypants isn't up to no good, herself, but the fact that she's nice doesn't obligate you at all. It's the company's job to train her, and on an interpersonal level, you are not required to interact with her simply because she's a Nice Person by contrast with all the other folks who were trying to kill you with axes and flamethrowers. The world is full of Nice People that we will nonetheless never really have time to interact with.

Just say your schedule is full and you can't fit her in right now.
posted by tel3path at 2:44 PM on April 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

I know that this is a tough position to be in. You would have probably loved to have somebody be kind to you when you worked at that company. Maybe it even feels hypocritical not to get in there and help.

But I don't know what to tell you what to do. I certainly don't think the money is worth it under any circumstances. You will be paying it back a thousand fold the minute you set foot in a place that as your posting history suggests, you worked hard to get out of. You will be paying it back in so many ways.

Being aware of exactly what kind of compromise you are making-- yes compromise-- by getting involved, psychologically, would probably be an important step in making this decision.

Be aware also of what you can and cannot control. Yes, the personal is very important. It is great to reach out to others. But you are not the only resource available to the company.
posted by kettleoffish at 2:47 PM on April 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

Unless you are hard up for cash right now, I would point her towards relevant books & training videos and be done with it.
posted by Lieber Frau at 3:09 PM on April 10, 2012

1. No.
2. Maybe. You could get some kind of break-up clause in your contracting agreement, or a clause saying that Bad Lady will not be involved at all, if not that she is not allowed even to communicate/talk to you.
3. Double those rates to start and let them negotiate down from there. If they start crying poormouth or something the whining will only increase from there.
posted by rhizome at 3:40 PM on April 10, 2012

I cannot emphasize enough that you should not help in any way, shape or form; simply state that given your history with the company, you have set a policy to keep your distance, and as much as you understand the position this person is in, you simply cannot be the person to help them get out of it.
posted by davejay at 4:15 PM on April 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

Oh, and someone I know had a past job employee -- someone this person recommended against hiring, I might add -- reach out for information that had been provided before, to previous requests, for free. Rather than do it again, this time a boundary was set politely: 'the information is available from other members of your company, here are their names, and if you want further help from me we can discuss hourly rates' or words to that effect. The reaction was, predictably, unprofessional and snippy, and patently offensive, but that's what happens sometimes when you start out trying to be nice and helpful -- even to helpful people! -- within a toxic organization: you either end up supporting them (for free) in perpetuity, or one day you set the boundary and it turns into a drama. Decline to help, and stay away.
posted by davejay at 4:19 PM on April 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

Why would you help a company that went out of its way to hurt you? Walk away! Enjoy your life.

It's not your responsibility to train your abusive former employer's staff.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 6:00 PM on April 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

Very much like you, I worked at a museum and felt abused by the leadership and suffering from some form of PTSD. I resigned, but still have a great relationship with my former colleagues and friends. They have often reached out for help or to vent (as they did when I was there). I did provide the help and support because I very much believe in the cause and still very much care about the museum. I finally made a decision that I needed to stop because it was not helping me heal from the abusive treatment. In short, set a boundary. If you even want to consider working as a consultant, figure out your value--at the end of it you'll see they just can't afford you. Stay away from the toxic environment. And, as davejay says "decline to help and stay away."
posted by i_wear_boots at 6:50 PM on April 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

For your sanity, don't do it. If you decide to do it, charge a rediculous amount, so that they don't want to pay it, and then you are off the hook. Alternatively, they will want to pay it, and you will get enough money to make the trouble worth while. The benefit this time around is that you can go in there on your own terms, and the second someone tries to bully you, you just tell them that you don't have to take it, and walk out the door. You have all of the power this time around.
posted by markblasco at 6:51 PM on April 10, 2012

Figure out how much money per hour it would be worth to you and let them know that. Let it be that push that lets you afford a nice vacation or something.
posted by Blasdelb at 8:12 PM on April 10, 2012

I have to ask: why do you want to do this? Or do you?

Pressure from friends and family to be Nice? To Get The Last Word? Pressure from yourself?

Feel you owe it to Nicey to reach out to her so she won't be alone and without allies, like you weren't?

Feels Mean not to respond to any request that you don't know for certain is abusive?

Think it will improve your reputation to show that you've done further work for them?

Just need money?

I guess it depends how much damage they tried to do you, and how certain you can feel that they won't try to surpass themselves this time. P.s. The thing about abusive, lawbreaking organisations is they often don't adhere to the terms of your contract.
posted by tel3path at 10:51 PM on April 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

Putting a lot of (relevant) things aside, the request seems odd, assuming it's more than asking a couple-few questions over a meal the person pays for or some such.

Short of it being a superb person from a company I enjoyed working for, I wouldn't give serious thought to doing more than that without compensation and if I didn't want to see the person, I wouldn't do that.

In this case, it's mighty hard to see how your best interests are served by doing anything.

Life's too short to go make aggravation.
posted by ambient2 at 11:34 PM on April 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

@tel3path- Thank you for your responses; that's just what my gut was telling me. To answer your questions, no, I don't really want to help them out. As others have pointed out, it would only be putting myself through the wringer. I suppose that the notion that I could reach out to Nicey as an ally does give me pause. However, the fact that they knew they'd never find an employee as qualified as I was (as they told me when I left) should have prompted them to treat me with respect. Anyway, I appreciate everything you said; it sounds like you've been down a similar road before.

Some of you picked up on the fact that this is such a weird thing. Yes. It really came out of left field. Totally bizarre. I guess that threw me off, too, which makes all of your responses that much more valuable.

In considering everyone's responses here, I've decided not to respond and let these people continue to stew in their own juices. It's not worth it. They'll just have to learn to manage without me. My sanity and integrity are more valuable than they will ever be able to understand, and I plan on focusing on the people in my life who *do* appreciate me. Thanks, MeFites!
posted by chatelaine at 12:40 AM on April 11, 2012 [3 favorites]