How and whether to talk to my brother about quitting smoking?
July 25, 2024 2:53 PM Subscribe
My older brother, 60ish, smokes cigarettes, and I worry about him and its impact on his health, and I wish he would quit. Should I talk to him about this? Particularly interested in hearing from smokers, ex-smokers, or people with loved ones who smoke or have smoked.
For years he smoked secretly. Maybe he didn't want his kids to know, but I think he didn't really want anyone to know. Our mother was both a smoker and an alcoholic, and so I think this might add to his own sense of shame about being addicted to something. Some years ago he began talking about his smoking openly, and about five years ago, he was very public about wanting to quit, and he asked me and our other siblings for support. I live far away, so wasn't really sure what I could do, but I gave him my encouragement. That effort failed, and a few others have too. I don't know the extent of his efforts to quit, but I know he's made at least a few stabs at it. I've brought it up casually a time or two, and I can sense he's not crazy about discussing it.
Recently he's had some health issues that smoking certainly isn't helping, and I worry about him. I'm wondering how I might talk to him about it, or whether I even should. He is well aware of the health risks, he knows he should quit, and I think his inability to quit makes him feel bad about himself. Which, as is the way with addictions, becomes a reinforcing reason to smoke. I know for sure he uses cigarettes to deal with stress, among other things. He also knows that I love him and would like him to stop because I've said as much, though not lately. So part of me isn't even sure I should bring it up again. But if there is room for me to do so, how might I do it in a way that's not likely to trigger his shame or defensiveness and that might be helpful?
For years he smoked secretly. Maybe he didn't want his kids to know, but I think he didn't really want anyone to know. Our mother was both a smoker and an alcoholic, and so I think this might add to his own sense of shame about being addicted to something. Some years ago he began talking about his smoking openly, and about five years ago, he was very public about wanting to quit, and he asked me and our other siblings for support. I live far away, so wasn't really sure what I could do, but I gave him my encouragement. That effort failed, and a few others have too. I don't know the extent of his efforts to quit, but I know he's made at least a few stabs at it. I've brought it up casually a time or two, and I can sense he's not crazy about discussing it.
Recently he's had some health issues that smoking certainly isn't helping, and I worry about him. I'm wondering how I might talk to him about it, or whether I even should. He is well aware of the health risks, he knows he should quit, and I think his inability to quit makes him feel bad about himself. Which, as is the way with addictions, becomes a reinforcing reason to smoke. I know for sure he uses cigarettes to deal with stress, among other things. He also knows that I love him and would like him to stop because I've said as much, though not lately. So part of me isn't even sure I should bring it up again. But if there is room for me to do so, how might I do it in a way that's not likely to trigger his shame or defensiveness and that might be helpful?
I don't think there's really a way to do this if he's already been resistant to the topic, I hate to say. Most smokers know all the reasons that smoking is bad; it's just that it's one of the hardest things to quit. And repeatedly failing to quit brings up all the same unpleasant emotions that failing at anything else does, even though it's pretty normal for it to take a few tries.
(You may already know this, but nicotine acts on the same neurotransmitter as some antidepressants. So it's like going cold turkey from your Prozac right at the same time that you try to go cold turkey from your fidget habit and your going-out-for-some-fresh-air routine. It's a really tough one.)
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 3:04 PM on July 25 [9 favorites]
(You may already know this, but nicotine acts on the same neurotransmitter as some antidepressants. So it's like going cold turkey from your Prozac right at the same time that you try to go cold turkey from your fidget habit and your going-out-for-some-fresh-air routine. It's a really tough one.)
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 3:04 PM on July 25 [9 favorites]
You don't get to decide or control his reaction.
But if you're going to do it, just say it and don't treat him like he's not smart enough to know "Hey, I know I've said this before and I know it's not technically my business, but I wish you would consider getting medical help to quit smoking AND treat whatever you're treating with the smoking. I just think your life could be so much simpler and healthier."
Which is true, practical, and a strong argument. Cigarettes now cost like $1700 a pack and my generic Lexapro with insurance is $1.78/month and doesn't make my hair and clothes stink. That is actually what I'd say to someone, as a hardcore smoker from 15 to 43: You're smoking your retirement and it smells terrible, go deal with your fucking anxiety with real drugs already.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:05 PM on July 25 [4 favorites]
But if you're going to do it, just say it and don't treat him like he's not smart enough to know "Hey, I know I've said this before and I know it's not technically my business, but I wish you would consider getting medical help to quit smoking AND treat whatever you're treating with the smoking. I just think your life could be so much simpler and healthier."
Which is true, practical, and a strong argument. Cigarettes now cost like $1700 a pack and my generic Lexapro with insurance is $1.78/month and doesn't make my hair and clothes stink. That is actually what I'd say to someone, as a hardcore smoker from 15 to 43: You're smoking your retirement and it smells terrible, go deal with your fucking anxiety with real drugs already.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:05 PM on July 25 [4 favorites]
It’s so hard to convince someone else to quit when they are entangled with a habit. For my mom, the thing that got her was her foot necrotizing because her vascular health deteriorated. She lost her forefoot and had a year of recovery and the doctors point blank said ‘if you smoke, it’ll undo everything you just went through.’ I wish my prior conversations landed but she had to go through it unfortunately. That said, I think bringing it up (not shamefully) is still worthwhile. A lot of people assume it’s a risk of lung cancer alone, but it impacts a lot more. My mom now is more at ease, laughs harder, sounds so much better. (And the house isn’t coated in tobacco smell and stain). The positive effects are huge.
posted by actionpact at 3:19 PM on July 25 [1 favorite]
posted by actionpact at 3:19 PM on July 25 [1 favorite]
There's a line about how quitting smoking is easy, I've done it hundreds of times.
I quit so many times, I quit quitting for several years. What made it possible for me was being removed from all the social encouragements (more about luck and times changing for me), and the drug Chantix.
It really did take the fun out of smoking for me and helped me break the addiction. The idea is it binds to nicotine receptors in your brain, so that you don't get that fulfillment from cigarettes, and are left with the expensive damaging stinky coughing aspects.
Not all methods are helpful for all smokers, and research shows combining methods (like a drug and a support group) is more effective. But this one drug made it work for me. The biggest perk was that I didn't have to do a lot of mental work or commitment. Just start taking the pill and many people find themselves smoking less and less. Maybe take up walking or some fidget toys or sugarless gum to help fill that gap.
Good luck!
posted by SaltySalticid at 3:23 PM on July 25 [6 favorites]
I quit so many times, I quit quitting for several years. What made it possible for me was being removed from all the social encouragements (more about luck and times changing for me), and the drug Chantix.
It really did take the fun out of smoking for me and helped me break the addiction. The idea is it binds to nicotine receptors in your brain, so that you don't get that fulfillment from cigarettes, and are left with the expensive damaging stinky coughing aspects.
Not all methods are helpful for all smokers, and research shows combining methods (like a drug and a support group) is more effective. But this one drug made it work for me. The biggest perk was that I didn't have to do a lot of mental work or commitment. Just start taking the pill and many people find themselves smoking less and less. Maybe take up walking or some fidget toys or sugarless gum to help fill that gap.
Good luck!
posted by SaltySalticid at 3:23 PM on July 25 [6 favorites]
I've quit smoking twice (still quit at this time) and the two experiences were remarkably different. The first time I was self-motivated--I wanted to get healthier, stop coughing, start working out, and I was ready to deal with the inevitable weight gain. It took about 3 months of sustained but not overly painful effort to stop feeling intense cravings for nictone, but I didn't smoke anything for over ten years and thought for sure that I would never smoke again. I gained about 50 pounds that I was not able to permanently get rid of after quitting.
Unfortunately, I had a terrible mental health crisis and in a moment of self-destructive weakness bought a pack and I was back on the sauce in less then 24 hours at almost $11 a pack. For 3 years I was spending $300+ a month on smokes and didn't grocery shop once in all that time--I survived on eating 2-3 items off the McDonald's $1 menu once per day so I could afford cigarettes.
It all came to a head after Donald Trump was elected. I was morose, not eating, not drinking water, just smoking and failing to sleep. I felt a sense of impending doom and quite panicky, so in an abundance of caution I went to the UC and my heart was in v-tach. They figured out that dehydration and lots of nicotine activated a previously unknown heart defect (hypertrophic cardiomyopathy) and I nearly died. So this time someone else was telling me to quit: my cardiologist.
And, frankly, it felt impossible. This time instead of being able to follow my previous plan I was sneaking off to buy packs, eating gum, wearing patches, relighting my mom's cigarettes when she was out of the room, etc. It took almost a year to be completely free of nicotine, and every cigarette I smoked could have caused a deadly electrical storm in my heart. I didn't care. The smoking was too good and I was too sad.
I finally, FINALLY was able to stop when my mom, a lifetime smoker, went to Florida for 6 months and I wasn't around smoking all the time. (She's currently undergoing treatment for lung cancer--and still smoking a pack a day.) And I gotta be honest, I still hate having quit. I gained a bunch more weight, and, despite my hatred of both the smell and taste, I continue to long for cigarettes more frequently than you would expect after being nicotine free since early 2017. I used to say that if I received a death sentence I wouldn't put a pack of smokes on my wishlist, but last year I practically had to hide my own car keys to prevent myself from going to buy a pack when my thyroid cancer returned.
The moral of the story is this: quitting smoking is extremely complicated and incredibly difficult. Many smokers feel varying levels of shame, weakness, indignation, hopelessness, anger, a desire to self-harm, worthlessness, etc. Having someone tell me that I had to stop doing the thing that helped me sleep, wake up, calm down, pump up, lose weight, and harm myself in a somewhat acceptable way was just.. not really persuasive. I really only did it this time because being in a v-tach rhythm is extremely unpleasant and scary and I would not recommend it to anyone. But no one could TELL me that it was bad--I had to experience it myself.
posted by MagnificentVacuum at 4:06 PM on July 25 [14 favorites]
Unfortunately, I had a terrible mental health crisis and in a moment of self-destructive weakness bought a pack and I was back on the sauce in less then 24 hours at almost $11 a pack. For 3 years I was spending $300+ a month on smokes and didn't grocery shop once in all that time--I survived on eating 2-3 items off the McDonald's $1 menu once per day so I could afford cigarettes.
It all came to a head after Donald Trump was elected. I was morose, not eating, not drinking water, just smoking and failing to sleep. I felt a sense of impending doom and quite panicky, so in an abundance of caution I went to the UC and my heart was in v-tach. They figured out that dehydration and lots of nicotine activated a previously unknown heart defect (hypertrophic cardiomyopathy) and I nearly died. So this time someone else was telling me to quit: my cardiologist.
And, frankly, it felt impossible. This time instead of being able to follow my previous plan I was sneaking off to buy packs, eating gum, wearing patches, relighting my mom's cigarettes when she was out of the room, etc. It took almost a year to be completely free of nicotine, and every cigarette I smoked could have caused a deadly electrical storm in my heart. I didn't care. The smoking was too good and I was too sad.
I finally, FINALLY was able to stop when my mom, a lifetime smoker, went to Florida for 6 months and I wasn't around smoking all the time. (She's currently undergoing treatment for lung cancer--and still smoking a pack a day.) And I gotta be honest, I still hate having quit. I gained a bunch more weight, and, despite my hatred of both the smell and taste, I continue to long for cigarettes more frequently than you would expect after being nicotine free since early 2017. I used to say that if I received a death sentence I wouldn't put a pack of smokes on my wishlist, but last year I practically had to hide my own car keys to prevent myself from going to buy a pack when my thyroid cancer returned.
The moral of the story is this: quitting smoking is extremely complicated and incredibly difficult. Many smokers feel varying levels of shame, weakness, indignation, hopelessness, anger, a desire to self-harm, worthlessness, etc. Having someone tell me that I had to stop doing the thing that helped me sleep, wake up, calm down, pump up, lose weight, and harm myself in a somewhat acceptable way was just.. not really persuasive. I really only did it this time because being in a v-tach rhythm is extremely unpleasant and scary and I would not recommend it to anyone. But no one could TELL me that it was bad--I had to experience it myself.
posted by MagnificentVacuum at 4:06 PM on July 25 [14 favorites]
“You know, if you ever wanted to quit smoking, I would support you in any way that I could. Just let me know. I love you and I want you to be around for a long time.”
posted by Winnie the Proust at 5:19 PM on July 25 [12 favorites]
posted by Winnie the Proust at 5:19 PM on July 25 [12 favorites]
I offered Winnie the Proust’s script to a friend, with the preface of, “hey, I’ll just say this once…”. And then I never said it again.
She ~quit cigarettes (by switching over to vapes) a few years later, and while she didn’t ask for support in the sense of helping her find resources or stay accountable, she told me about some of her milestones (a month, six months) with pride, which felt like a mark of great intimacy and trust. Wishing you and your brother all the best.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 7:56 PM on July 25 [6 favorites]
She ~quit cigarettes (by switching over to vapes) a few years later, and while she didn’t ask for support in the sense of helping her find resources or stay accountable, she told me about some of her milestones (a month, six months) with pride, which felt like a mark of great intimacy and trust. Wishing you and your brother all the best.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 7:56 PM on July 25 [6 favorites]
My good friend has struggled with this since he had pneumonia a couple years back. He often goes without for long periods, or can tone it down to a couple cigarettes per day quite easily (or so he claims), but often in times of stress he goes back to the amounts he has used to smoke since he was 12 or so (we are in our early 40's now). What I've found works is me being enthusiastic when he tells me he has not been smoking so much or at all, one line I use is "Yeah less is definately better, I'm proud of you!" which a) doesn't sound like I'm judging him for still smoking some and b) facilitates the mindset that you don't have to go 0% non-smoking, there are real benefits in just SMOKING LESS. I've found this mindset has helped me with my drinking habit, I don't have to QUIT (because it feels super scary) but I definately can be mindful of my consumption and cut way down without it feeling like I'm torturing myself.
posted by fridgebuzz at 1:39 AM on July 26
posted by fridgebuzz at 1:39 AM on July 26
A close friend of mine smokes and has a generally complicated relationship with other addictive things like alcohol.
It occasionally comes up in conversation and I strongly feel the only way it can keep coming up is if I keep any judgement to myself. He's aware I'd prefer he quit; most people would prefer he quit, including his partner. He'd prefer he quit. This isn't news. I'm encouraging of moves he's made to lighter tobacco and the use of filters (he rolls his own), so he knows there's support if needed. Beyond that, we're all going to die and I'm not going to jeopardise our friendship to hammer home what he already knows.
posted by deadwax at 4:17 AM on July 26
It occasionally comes up in conversation and I strongly feel the only way it can keep coming up is if I keep any judgement to myself. He's aware I'd prefer he quit; most people would prefer he quit, including his partner. He'd prefer he quit. This isn't news. I'm encouraging of moves he's made to lighter tobacco and the use of filters (he rolls his own), so he knows there's support if needed. Beyond that, we're all going to die and I'm not going to jeopardise our friendship to hammer home what he already knows.
posted by deadwax at 4:17 AM on July 26
I think this is the kind of conversation you can only have about once a year and it has to come from the heart. I’d look for an opportunity to share your fear that smoking will result in a reduced quality of life as well as lifespan, and is a financial burden.
I also think we have a narrative that a conversation can change things and sometimes that’s true, but it isn’t true enough enough if the time. Maybe it’s about making sure you get quality time with your brother (in conversation or a trip) now.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:54 AM on July 26
I also think we have a narrative that a conversation can change things and sometimes that’s true, but it isn’t true enough enough if the time. Maybe it’s about making sure you get quality time with your brother (in conversation or a trip) now.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:54 AM on July 26
Don't give up asking about it. Listen to what he says why its not working for him. U may be able to understand a reason that he doesn't or cant see now.
It's very normal to have several quit attempts before he truly quits.
Pretend u r also a smoker,try and relate to him that way. Most people will always say its bad for u,and u SHOULD quit,he is well aware of that.
Perhaps when u talk to him,describe some good times u are having,or had-where u r not allowed to smoke,then "oh yeah,sorry,I forgot u smoke still"then ease into to chat about him smoking.
Quitting is very very hard for some folks,it's a drug.They know its bad,unhealthy and risky.
Good luck :-)
This may be of some help.
posted by LOOKING at 7:11 AM on July 26
It's very normal to have several quit attempts before he truly quits.
Pretend u r also a smoker,try and relate to him that way. Most people will always say its bad for u,and u SHOULD quit,he is well aware of that.
Perhaps when u talk to him,describe some good times u are having,or had-where u r not allowed to smoke,then "oh yeah,sorry,I forgot u smoke still"then ease into to chat about him smoking.
Quitting is very very hard for some folks,it's a drug.They know its bad,unhealthy and risky.
Good luck :-)
This may be of some help.
posted by LOOKING at 7:11 AM on July 26
I think you can talk to him about this but you also must try to let go of the outcome.. for your own wellbeing and for your relationship with your brother.
I like Winnie the Proust's script. Another idea is to frame this as opening the door to getting his perspective, and to ask permission first. Something like, "Hey brother, I've been wondering how you feel about smoking, would you be open to sharing with me about it?" That might not be the best wording - trying to think of how to say it that does't put him on the defensive. But my idea is to basically give him space to share how he feels about it, instead of you just downloading your feelings to him about it. If he indicates that he is interested in quitting (most smokers are) but has reasons why that is hard (also true for most smokers), that is an opportunity to reiterate your unconditional love and ask what would help him get to his goal, and if there's support you can provide.
posted by latkes at 7:41 AM on July 26
I like Winnie the Proust's script. Another idea is to frame this as opening the door to getting his perspective, and to ask permission first. Something like, "Hey brother, I've been wondering how you feel about smoking, would you be open to sharing with me about it?" That might not be the best wording - trying to think of how to say it that does't put him on the defensive. But my idea is to basically give him space to share how he feels about it, instead of you just downloading your feelings to him about it. If he indicates that he is interested in quitting (most smokers are) but has reasons why that is hard (also true for most smokers), that is an opportunity to reiterate your unconditional love and ask what would help him get to his goal, and if there's support you can provide.
posted by latkes at 7:41 AM on July 26
Everybody is different but if you kept bringing up my smoking to me that would be the single best way to destroy our relationship.
After decades of public health messaging, every smoker knows how bad it is. At this point, smoking outside the home/your own car is also as difficult as it can be and yet smokers smoke.
The only thing “new” you can contribute to the discourse is your concern for your loved one. So you get to share your concern, once. If you are happy to support any future attempt to quit you get to say that as well.
But don’t turn into a broken record. That includes “trying to understand”. You have no need to understand. If you can’t help yourself and can’t leave it be that is about your response, the only thing you can actually control and change here.
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:50 AM on July 26 [5 favorites]
After decades of public health messaging, every smoker knows how bad it is. At this point, smoking outside the home/your own car is also as difficult as it can be and yet smokers smoke.
The only thing “new” you can contribute to the discourse is your concern for your loved one. So you get to share your concern, once. If you are happy to support any future attempt to quit you get to say that as well.
But don’t turn into a broken record. That includes “trying to understand”. You have no need to understand. If you can’t help yourself and can’t leave it be that is about your response, the only thing you can actually control and change here.
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:50 AM on July 26 [5 favorites]
I'm a smoker. I would advise you to not bring this up. As you say, he is aware of the risks and your preferences. What more is there for you to say? I've had these conversations a thousand times and all it ever did was set up conflicts and annoy me.
If you want to make a contribution to your brother quitting, I would advise you to help make his life as pleasant, stress free and filled with joyful activities as you can. Of course this is a lot of work and success is not guaranteed, but I think the chances are a lot better than trying to shame him into quitting or listing all the old reasons why smoking is bad.
posted by the_dreamwriter at 8:37 AM on July 26
If you want to make a contribution to your brother quitting, I would advise you to help make his life as pleasant, stress free and filled with joyful activities as you can. Of course this is a lot of work and success is not guaranteed, but I think the chances are a lot better than trying to shame him into quitting or listing all the old reasons why smoking is bad.
posted by the_dreamwriter at 8:37 AM on July 26
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posted by theora55 at 2:59 PM on July 25 [5 favorites]