SURPRISE! You have a brother that is 39 years old.
April 13, 2017 9:24 AM Subscribe
A woman from my father's past recently contacted my father to inform him that he is the father of her 39 year old son. She also informed my dad that her son has known for about 7 years, and just recently expressed interest in contacting my dad to meet him.
This isn't really "news" for us. My mother told my sister and I as children and as teenagers that she thought someone they knew when they were younger had a child that could have been my dad's. He denied it. My mom said she saw the child once when he was small, and he looked just like my dad. She told us because she always said that she thought one day, this guy might show up and she didn't want us to not know this was a possibility.
So, here we are.
The guy came to my parents house 2 weekends ago and met my parents. He then met me a few hours later. He looks just like my dad. There really is no question this is my father's son.
So, we've become friends on Facebook. He lives about an hour and a half from us. He has 5 children and multiple siblings who I am sure know nothing about this entire situation.
I messaged him once to tell him thank you for coming. He was friendly, stating he would come back with his wife sometime soon.
I just don't know where to go from here. Should I contact him again if I haven't heard from him? Should I let it go and leave the ball in his court? I don't want to miss an opportunity to get to know him and his family but I don't want to push or scare him away.
Any advice is helpful, especially those who have connected with long lost family members.
This isn't really "news" for us. My mother told my sister and I as children and as teenagers that she thought someone they knew when they were younger had a child that could have been my dad's. He denied it. My mom said she saw the child once when he was small, and he looked just like my dad. She told us because she always said that she thought one day, this guy might show up and she didn't want us to not know this was a possibility.
So, here we are.
The guy came to my parents house 2 weekends ago and met my parents. He then met me a few hours later. He looks just like my dad. There really is no question this is my father's son.
So, we've become friends on Facebook. He lives about an hour and a half from us. He has 5 children and multiple siblings who I am sure know nothing about this entire situation.
I messaged him once to tell him thank you for coming. He was friendly, stating he would come back with his wife sometime soon.
I just don't know where to go from here. Should I contact him again if I haven't heard from him? Should I let it go and leave the ball in his court? I don't want to miss an opportunity to get to know him and his family but I don't want to push or scare him away.
Any advice is helpful, especially those who have connected with long lost family members.
I think that facebook could be a good middle of the road communications method. You can comment on his posts and like his stuff like any other facebook friend would. That shows that you're interested in him and his life without being overbearing.
posted by aclevername at 9:49 AM on April 13, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by aclevername at 9:49 AM on April 13, 2017 [5 favorites]
I disagree with Rock Steady. This person has had seven years to decide what to do, adjust to the changes, consider and deal with how different relationships might affect his family and/or state of mind going forward, etc. You've had two weeks. You are allowed to let this rock your world however it's going to rock it, and you can respond or reach out in whatever way makes sense for you. If you "push or scare him away" then so be it. Maybe you want to get together with him more now, in order to get to know him and work through the shock, and you won't want a close relationship down the road. Maybe you have had enough lies and secrets and don't want a relationship with him at all until he tells his children/siblings about you. Maybe you have always wanted a brother and want to jump right in. Whatever you want matters as much as what he might want.
This sounds harsher than I mean for it to sound. Nothing against the half-brother but this profoundly affects you. And whatever whirlwind of emotions that you experience, each feeling is legit - compassion or ambivalence or excitement for your half-brother, admiration or pity for your mother, solidarity with your sister, anger in many forms toward your father (he denied a child, lied to your mother, etc.) Who knows, maybe discussing those things candidly with your half-brother will help to build a relationship that works for both of you.
posted by headnsouth at 9:57 AM on April 13, 2017 [5 favorites]
This sounds harsher than I mean for it to sound. Nothing against the half-brother but this profoundly affects you. And whatever whirlwind of emotions that you experience, each feeling is legit - compassion or ambivalence or excitement for your half-brother, admiration or pity for your mother, solidarity with your sister, anger in many forms toward your father (he denied a child, lied to your mother, etc.) Who knows, maybe discussing those things candidly with your half-brother will help to build a relationship that works for both of you.
posted by headnsouth at 9:57 AM on April 13, 2017 [5 favorites]
I think if you got along with him and he seemed interesting and you want to get to know him, then contact him. Otherwise, you're not obligated to do anything if you don't hear from him again.
I'd treat it like meeting a cousin you'd never met for the first time. Let's say, maybe he just moved near you.
posted by humboldt32 at 9:59 AM on April 13, 2017 [4 favorites]
I'd treat it like meeting a cousin you'd never met for the first time. Let's say, maybe he just moved near you.
posted by humboldt32 at 9:59 AM on April 13, 2017 [4 favorites]
If you want to get to know him I would just say so as sincerely as possible. "I am really glad you came to meet us and I would be so happy to get to know you better. Would you like to have dinner on (date)?"
posted by pseudostrabismus at 10:01 AM on April 13, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by pseudostrabismus at 10:01 AM on April 13, 2017 [4 favorites]
We had a similar issue where part of the family was estranged from each other. The "Current" family welcomed the "past" family in and it meant a lot to us. I would invite them out again.
posted by history is a weapon at 10:05 AM on April 13, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by history is a weapon at 10:05 AM on April 13, 2017 [2 favorites]
Hoo-boy, do I know how you feel! I recently confirmed that I have a total surprise of an older half-sister myself (she's age 66 to my 61), and we're just a few weeks into this process.
What I can recommend from my own experience so far: take it slow and easy. Remember that you and your half-brother are, in reality, strangers; take your time and be gentle with each other. You have plenty of time to get to know one another! Also remember to never take out on him any anger you might have: none of this is your half-brother's fault.
My own father engendered my surprise half-sister while he was young and single, before he was even dating my mother; still, if they were alive we would have to take my parents' feelings into account. Okay, both your parents are still with you; so yes, you'll have to factor that into things. If this new brother is the result of your father having an affair during their marriage, how does your mother feel about this news? How did she react when he came over to their house, how did she treat him? Does this bring up any old feelings of anger or betrayal over your father's affair? And your father: how is he treating his son: is he acknowledging him, is he accepting him as his son or as just some stranger? Basically, is your father facing reality, or still trying to hide from his own past actions?
We've been using a combination of facebook friending and messaging, emails, texts, and phone calls; there are several ongoing conversation threads. In a lot of ways I think the written group threads are going great: being a group thread takes a lot of the conversational pressure off that a one-on-one conversation with a stranger might have, and lets different people back off or jump in whenever they want, plus being written these threads give you time to think before you send them something. But still: go slow. There's no rush, and pushing too far too fast is likely to make folks back off.
Feel free to MeMail me: maybe we can help each other through this!
posted by easily confused at 10:06 AM on April 13, 2017 [3 favorites]
What I can recommend from my own experience so far: take it slow and easy. Remember that you and your half-brother are, in reality, strangers; take your time and be gentle with each other. You have plenty of time to get to know one another! Also remember to never take out on him any anger you might have: none of this is your half-brother's fault.
My own father engendered my surprise half-sister while he was young and single, before he was even dating my mother; still, if they were alive we would have to take my parents' feelings into account. Okay, both your parents are still with you; so yes, you'll have to factor that into things. If this new brother is the result of your father having an affair during their marriage, how does your mother feel about this news? How did she react when he came over to their house, how did she treat him? Does this bring up any old feelings of anger or betrayal over your father's affair? And your father: how is he treating his son: is he acknowledging him, is he accepting him as his son or as just some stranger? Basically, is your father facing reality, or still trying to hide from his own past actions?
We've been using a combination of facebook friending and messaging, emails, texts, and phone calls; there are several ongoing conversation threads. In a lot of ways I think the written group threads are going great: being a group thread takes a lot of the conversational pressure off that a one-on-one conversation with a stranger might have, and lets different people back off or jump in whenever they want, plus being written these threads give you time to think before you send them something. But still: go slow. There's no rush, and pushing too far too fast is likely to make folks back off.
Feel free to MeMail me: maybe we can help each other through this!
posted by easily confused at 10:06 AM on April 13, 2017 [3 favorites]
You are not obligated to even meet him. Once, in a similar situation I passed on the opportunity. But:
"I don't want to miss an opportunity to get to know him "
Then feel free to contact him and clearly communicate this. Invite him and maybe be specific about it (would you be interested coming over for dinner in the x.y.).
posted by yoyo_nyc at 10:23 AM on April 13, 2017
"I don't want to miss an opportunity to get to know him "
Then feel free to contact him and clearly communicate this. Invite him and maybe be specific about it (would you be interested coming over for dinner in the x.y.).
posted by yoyo_nyc at 10:23 AM on April 13, 2017
I think you should tell them that you wrote here. That you don't want to miss an opportunity but don't want to push and let him respond. Offer visits to his area without your parents. Maybe he's up for some more one on one, in person or in writing, whatever.
In my husband and his sibling's family (with an first family/current family dynamic) the 'kids' of the family decided, as adults, that the parents messed up and continue to be dramatic, but they could have their own relationships with each other without including the parents.
posted by Swisstine at 10:43 AM on April 13, 2017 [2 favorites]
In my husband and his sibling's family (with an first family/current family dynamic) the 'kids' of the family decided, as adults, that the parents messed up and continue to be dramatic, but they could have their own relationships with each other without including the parents.
posted by Swisstine at 10:43 AM on April 13, 2017 [2 favorites]
Oof. So I've never met my father, and I found out a few years back that I have four younger half siblings through him. For all I know, they have no idea I exist, as my father abandoned me at birth and was never a part of my life on any level. (Ancestry.com is how I found out about my siblings -- technology is awful sometimes, no?) Every time I think about finding a respectful way to reach out, I talk myself out of it, because... well, what if they don't respond? What if they do respond and it's only to tell me to fuck off with myself, garbage child, nobody wanted you anyway so take the hint? What if they respond and do the opposite, welcome me with all the love I was so desperate for as an unwanted child? What if they think I've known about them all my life and they're angry with me for being such an awful surprise? Gah. This is the stuff of my nightmares.
OP, since you do want to get to know your sibling, I'd follow the suggestions above. Give yourself the space you need for your own comfort level with this stuff, because it's bound to be weird for you, but it's probably still weird for them no matter how long they've known about their dad. They might not even have known about you for very long and are sorting out their feelings about having surprise blood relatives. The idea of sending a message saying it was nice to meet them and you'd like to get together again if they're game and then leaving it up to them is a great one, maybe start out with that and see what kind of response you get and then go from there. If you're not already Facebook friends, maybe send a friend request along with that message and try to open the door for more connection with them?
posted by palomar at 11:19 AM on April 13, 2017 [6 favorites]
OP, since you do want to get to know your sibling, I'd follow the suggestions above. Give yourself the space you need for your own comfort level with this stuff, because it's bound to be weird for you, but it's probably still weird for them no matter how long they've known about their dad. They might not even have known about you for very long and are sorting out their feelings about having surprise blood relatives. The idea of sending a message saying it was nice to meet them and you'd like to get together again if they're game and then leaving it up to them is a great one, maybe start out with that and see what kind of response you get and then go from there. If you're not already Facebook friends, maybe send a friend request along with that message and try to open the door for more connection with them?
posted by palomar at 11:19 AM on April 13, 2017 [6 favorites]
You might benefit from reading post-adoption family reunification stories. This situation is not unique, and many other people have been where you are. We've been through something similar. My suggestion would be to issue a specific invitation and see how it's received.
Be aware of the weight distribution of issues here. You grew up with your dad; your brother did not. Your brother was effectively abandoned or rejected by your dad; your brother was not. As you negotiate this relationship, be aware of that. You hold the privilege here; it is not inappropriate that you be the party who needs to extend yourself more and work harder at the start.
Five kids is a lot of kids. How fun! Maybe make a foray down that route; send Easter baskets, or Christmas gifts or something. Obviously, ask, but you'll know how open the door is from the response.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:04 PM on April 13, 2017 [3 favorites]
Be aware of the weight distribution of issues here. You grew up with your dad; your brother did not. Your brother was effectively abandoned or rejected by your dad; your brother was not. As you negotiate this relationship, be aware of that. You hold the privilege here; it is not inappropriate that you be the party who needs to extend yourself more and work harder at the start.
Five kids is a lot of kids. How fun! Maybe make a foray down that route; send Easter baskets, or Christmas gifts or something. Obviously, ask, but you'll know how open the door is from the response.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:04 PM on April 13, 2017 [3 favorites]
Take it gently. He has a lot of adjusting to do, as do you.
Speaking of which, I note you do not say how your parents, and especially your father, are handling this. The signals from them will affect how you proceed, whether you are conscious of that or not. But ultimately, he is a blood relative, and your instincts align with mine (or what I hope mine might be, in this situation).
posted by GeeEmm at 8:21 PM on April 13, 2017
Speaking of which, I note you do not say how your parents, and especially your father, are handling this. The signals from them will affect how you proceed, whether you are conscious of that or not. But ultimately, he is a blood relative, and your instincts align with mine (or what I hope mine might be, in this situation).
posted by GeeEmm at 8:21 PM on April 13, 2017
As someone who played the new brother role in a similar scenario, don't assume that he's not interested in getting to know you just because he didn't reach out immediately. I knew that my biological father had gotten married and had another two children. I wanted to meet them but I had no way of knowing whether he had told his family about me, and I decided that I didn't want to crash into their lives like a bomb.
Eventually we did connect a few years ago and, while my youngest half sister is still pretty wierded out​ by my existence, we're all on good terms. I live in the opposite side side of the country but we call, email and send cards, visit eachother when we're in the area. As strange as it must feel to you all right now, take it slow, assume good intentions unless you've got good reason not to and you'll figure out what sort of relationship you both want over time.
posted by peppermind at 2:09 AM on April 14, 2017 [1 favorite]
Eventually we did connect a few years ago and, while my youngest half sister is still pretty wierded out​ by my existence, we're all on good terms. I live in the opposite side side of the country but we call, email and send cards, visit eachother when we're in the area. As strange as it must feel to you all right now, take it slow, assume good intentions unless you've got good reason not to and you'll figure out what sort of relationship you both want over time.
posted by peppermind at 2:09 AM on April 14, 2017 [1 favorite]
Oh, one pretty non intrusive thing that one of my half sisters did early on was set up a Facebook album for me with some pics of her and her family, and left notes on the pics to give me some context. It not only gave me a chance to get up to speed on her family and what growing up with my biological father as an actual dad was like, but it also made me feel like I was being welcomed by her. It was one of the first things that assured me that that the whole thing would be ok.
posted by peppermind at 2:19 AM on April 14, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by peppermind at 2:19 AM on April 14, 2017 [4 favorites]
I have written a book, that I don't really want to post here. If you want to reach out to me via memail or email, I would be happy to share it privately.
TLDR of it:
Use your words and don't make a lot of assumptions about them. You don't really know this person. So, err on the side of communicating as openly as possible.
posted by Michele in California at 3:01 PM on April 14, 2017
TLDR of it:
Use your words and don't make a lot of assumptions about them. You don't really know this person. So, err on the side of communicating as openly as possible.
posted by Michele in California at 3:01 PM on April 14, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Rock Steady at 9:29 AM on April 13, 2017 [2 favorites]