Why do I need to 'tell him everything'?
June 24, 2024 3:51 PM Subscribe
At the end of a dying relationship of many years, I find that one of my main issues is over sharing my thoughts and feelings, as if I can still be heard, when I actually can't. Help!
I am in a dying relationship, of many years. We have an age gap (me female, 50, him male 66).
Met when quite young, parents didn't approve but I was headstrong and they eventually accepted him as part of the family. Relationship has endured severe issues throughout, with him usually leaving me off the cuff then us later growing close and re-establishing our bond. It might take a small novel to explain the details, but to attempt to cut it short, I have endured painful desertions such as after a miscarriage, an assault, hoping to go to university and for having 'too many' friends.
At this point, now, this is all old news. Our connection has been fractured for at least 7 years and deteriorating. Yet now he won't call it off. We exist in a sort of limbo, sharing a home, waiting for me to move out. I have to move out as I don't legally live here and need a proper address. The reason I don't have any power here is due to him never wanting to financially commit to me, so I have sadly wasted many years of life towing that line. We are both artists, although I have had a decent amount of success, which has been slowing since the pandemic, financially.
I am now in the position to have to leave. He shows no urgency to remain with me, but we are still friends. What bothers me the most, at this crucial point, is why I haven't already moved out. It is part financial fear, but also this pathetic, sad yearning for communication. He rarely listens to me or seems to care, but professes to if questioned. He is extremely dismissive and makes statements rather than actually talking to me - for example, if I say I was hurt by a thing he said, he will simply say he hadn't said it, or that I have deliberately misinterpreted it.
I have needed to leave for over 5 years, but am still here. I have no interest in reviving the relationship, I si ver y much yearn for a good life outside of this with new friends and lovers. He certainly never wishes to discuss it, so we exist in this awful limbo, where there are good days and bad. I have not wanted to have children and we didn't marry, but I certainly desired more joy and commitment than this.
But why do I still share my thoughts with him daily?
This is the part that I can't get my head around. I speak my ideas, hopes, dreams, philosophies, and he nods, agrees, or doesn't listen at all. It is like I am a mannequin, and better if I don't question anything. If I dare to mention our relationship I am pointedly accused of stirring trouble and behaving badly. I am intelligent and very passionate about life, yet this seems to insult him. I appreciate that I was misled when younger, and of course, I am much older and wiser now.
I think that if I could over ride this urge to communicate and share my thoughts, I would preserve some dignity and supply myself with the courage to leave. But I share everything, verbally, even though time and again I know this is problematic.
I resolve not to, then as soon as we are on good terms I am so candid and open. At this point I wonder if he sees this as having some power over me, as he very rarely (almost never) shares his deeper self with me. He barely even mentions the details of his day.
How can I stop doing this? I wondered if I felt I wasn't listened to when young, so now have an addiction to sharing only with him, but it is so complex. I would like to know if this resonates with anyone at all as I feel so very isolated. I am in the UK, and have few friends, as most are caught up in things or have moved to a distance.
In many ways throughout my youth he certainly did control me and didn't like me having those friends. I just recently had a lightbulb moment where I realised that I shared so much, and that this might be holding me back.
I am in a dying relationship, of many years. We have an age gap (me female, 50, him male 66).
Met when quite young, parents didn't approve but I was headstrong and they eventually accepted him as part of the family. Relationship has endured severe issues throughout, with him usually leaving me off the cuff then us later growing close and re-establishing our bond. It might take a small novel to explain the details, but to attempt to cut it short, I have endured painful desertions such as after a miscarriage, an assault, hoping to go to university and for having 'too many' friends.
At this point, now, this is all old news. Our connection has been fractured for at least 7 years and deteriorating. Yet now he won't call it off. We exist in a sort of limbo, sharing a home, waiting for me to move out. I have to move out as I don't legally live here and need a proper address. The reason I don't have any power here is due to him never wanting to financially commit to me, so I have sadly wasted many years of life towing that line. We are both artists, although I have had a decent amount of success, which has been slowing since the pandemic, financially.
I am now in the position to have to leave. He shows no urgency to remain with me, but we are still friends. What bothers me the most, at this crucial point, is why I haven't already moved out. It is part financial fear, but also this pathetic, sad yearning for communication. He rarely listens to me or seems to care, but professes to if questioned. He is extremely dismissive and makes statements rather than actually talking to me - for example, if I say I was hurt by a thing he said, he will simply say he hadn't said it, or that I have deliberately misinterpreted it.
I have needed to leave for over 5 years, but am still here. I have no interest in reviving the relationship, I si ver y much yearn for a good life outside of this with new friends and lovers. He certainly never wishes to discuss it, so we exist in this awful limbo, where there are good days and bad. I have not wanted to have children and we didn't marry, but I certainly desired more joy and commitment than this.
But why do I still share my thoughts with him daily?
This is the part that I can't get my head around. I speak my ideas, hopes, dreams, philosophies, and he nods, agrees, or doesn't listen at all. It is like I am a mannequin, and better if I don't question anything. If I dare to mention our relationship I am pointedly accused of stirring trouble and behaving badly. I am intelligent and very passionate about life, yet this seems to insult him. I appreciate that I was misled when younger, and of course, I am much older and wiser now.
I think that if I could over ride this urge to communicate and share my thoughts, I would preserve some dignity and supply myself with the courage to leave. But I share everything, verbally, even though time and again I know this is problematic.
I resolve not to, then as soon as we are on good terms I am so candid and open. At this point I wonder if he sees this as having some power over me, as he very rarely (almost never) shares his deeper self with me. He barely even mentions the details of his day.
How can I stop doing this? I wondered if I felt I wasn't listened to when young, so now have an addiction to sharing only with him, but it is so complex. I would like to know if this resonates with anyone at all as I feel so very isolated. I am in the UK, and have few friends, as most are caught up in things or have moved to a distance.
In many ways throughout my youth he certainly did control me and didn't like me having those friends. I just recently had a lightbulb moment where I realised that I shared so much, and that this might be holding me back.
Best answer: I don't think you're alone in repeating patterns of behavior with people even when you know you won't get the results you want/need. You invested a lot in this relationship and it's hard to let go of the practical things and the emotional things. Be kind to yourself. It's okay to want to be heard and have your feelings validated. Everyone deserves that.
Unfortunately this person is never going to give you that. I don't think it will do you any good to try to understand why he can't. Whether it's pure jerkiness, immaturity, lack of awareness, patriarchy, etc. know the answer won't change the behavior.
Moving out ASAP will be a big help. I don't know what the laws are in the UK, but I would at least investigate what you might be owed in-terms of common-law property etc given the length of your relationship. Find someone else ASAP to share your thoughts with. Give yourself time everyday to journal about your thoughts or write this guy letters that you will never send with your thoughts. Leave yourself voice memos. Turn these thoughts into art - stories/songs/paintings/poems. I hate making analogies to addiction, but you do kind of have to break the cycle here so you also need support. Is there someone you can call like a lifeline every time you feel the urge to share who can remind you not to?
At 50 you still have a lot of living and loving to do, so get out, move on, and move up! Big hugs.
posted by brookeb at 4:03 PM on June 24 [22 favorites]
Unfortunately this person is never going to give you that. I don't think it will do you any good to try to understand why he can't. Whether it's pure jerkiness, immaturity, lack of awareness, patriarchy, etc. know the answer won't change the behavior.
Moving out ASAP will be a big help. I don't know what the laws are in the UK, but I would at least investigate what you might be owed in-terms of common-law property etc given the length of your relationship. Find someone else ASAP to share your thoughts with. Give yourself time everyday to journal about your thoughts or write this guy letters that you will never send with your thoughts. Leave yourself voice memos. Turn these thoughts into art - stories/songs/paintings/poems. I hate making analogies to addiction, but you do kind of have to break the cycle here so you also need support. Is there someone you can call like a lifeline every time you feel the urge to share who can remind you not to?
At 50 you still have a lot of living and loving to do, so get out, move on, and move up! Big hugs.
posted by brookeb at 4:03 PM on June 24 [22 favorites]
Drastically new life paradigms are hard. Ending long-term relationships/dynamics are hard. I can only talk about myself, but I can tell you that what you've said resonates with the end of my 12yr marriage. I finally framed it like a vitamin deficiency. He hadn't given me the nutrients I needed, but I was habituated to seeking them, there. I had to find a stubbornness in me that flipped it like a switch. Having gone without what I needed for so long was a boon to venturing toward the unknown because I knew that didn't have to be perfect. I journalled a lot instead of sharing with him. I laughed at myself when I made mistakes and appreciated that the only witness (me) was being kind about it. That quickly cycled into a positive feedback loop where I felt more confident to make friends and seek opportunity.
I had to give up the long-held fantasies of him coming through. Difficult. Worth it, because I got to reacquaint with the ME who comes through, and that is so fun.
posted by droomoord at 4:15 PM on June 24 [7 favorites]
I had to give up the long-held fantasies of him coming through. Difficult. Worth it, because I got to reacquaint with the ME who comes through, and that is so fun.
posted by droomoord at 4:15 PM on June 24 [7 favorites]
One of the biggest challenges in ending relationships is changing some of the everyday habits we have. You tell him things because you have told him things. You are likely also looking for love, acceptance, and validation, which he has not given you, and he will never give you, and yet you still seek it. That is the pattern.
Understanding it is just another way of trying to extend it. This is all going to get a lot easier when you move out. Leaving is the hardest part. It's time to leave.
It's also time to cultivate new connections (not romantic, or at least not necessarily romantic) to substitute. Perhaps you can find a group of similar people also going through break ups, or reconnect with an old friend. Find new people to talk to, to validate, to listen.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:19 PM on June 24 [3 favorites]
Understanding it is just another way of trying to extend it. This is all going to get a lot easier when you move out. Leaving is the hardest part. It's time to leave.
It's also time to cultivate new connections (not romantic, or at least not necessarily romantic) to substitute. Perhaps you can find a group of similar people also going through break ups, or reconnect with an old friend. Find new people to talk to, to validate, to listen.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:19 PM on June 24 [3 favorites]
Who else can you tell these things to? What are the relationships that have languished because you are invested in this one? I don't mean find a new lover. I mean who are the friends and family members that are or have the potential to become someone who wants to hear about your thoughts and feelings. There may not be anyone yet but maybe you can think of some people who might become a source of emotional connection over time. When we live with someone who is right there every day, we get used to that availability but the reality is that you aren't actually getting what you really want and need from those conversations. Any one other person might not be available to take over 100% of your needs but you might be able to think of a handful of people who you could reach out to more often and see what those relationship might become. The big thing is that you don't have to move out to do this - you start now with a phone call or text or an invitation.
posted by metahawk at 4:39 PM on June 24 [3 favorites]
posted by metahawk at 4:39 PM on June 24 [3 favorites]
I can relate very strongly to wanting an almost-ex partner to *hear* and *listen* and *understand*. I can relate very strongly to your impossible desire for him to "get it", just once, just as a final gift to you at the close of this long journey together.
What helped me was to tell my story to a therapist and having the therapist hear me, listen to me, and understand me. My therapist "got it", my therapist got it so well that he even *added* to it, naming truths I'd seen but never acknowledged AND truths I'd never even seen, but could immediately see once they were pointed out to me. It was cathartic in the way I had always hoped to feel talking to my ex, and I felt held and nurtured in the way I had always wished for in my relationship (or perhaps all my life).
This was the number one reason why therapy felt luxurious. I could talk and talk and talk about the things that bugged me, and that was not only okay it was what I was supposed to be doing. Therapy was not only luxurious, though. It was also healing and motivating and enlightening and much else. I highly recommend it to you.
posted by MiraK at 5:05 PM on June 24 [24 favorites]
What helped me was to tell my story to a therapist and having the therapist hear me, listen to me, and understand me. My therapist "got it", my therapist got it so well that he even *added* to it, naming truths I'd seen but never acknowledged AND truths I'd never even seen, but could immediately see once they were pointed out to me. It was cathartic in the way I had always hoped to feel talking to my ex, and I felt held and nurtured in the way I had always wished for in my relationship (or perhaps all my life).
This was the number one reason why therapy felt luxurious. I could talk and talk and talk about the things that bugged me, and that was not only okay it was what I was supposed to be doing. Therapy was not only luxurious, though. It was also healing and motivating and enlightening and much else. I highly recommend it to you.
posted by MiraK at 5:05 PM on June 24 [24 favorites]
I think you're very much into therapy territory. The situation you're dealing with and the emotions you're feeling cry out to be heard and I suspect you're continuing to tell him because that's the only outlet you have. There are other options; this sort of thing is perfect for short term therapy.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:53 PM on June 24 [3 favorites]
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:53 PM on June 24 [3 favorites]
He shows no urgency to remain with me, but we are still friends.
Please remind yourself, that he is not your friend. A friend wouldn't have abandoned you so many times under so many difficult circumstances. A friend wouldn't leave you with no resources. A friend should offer support. A partner should do more.
Yes, people are right when they talk about habit and of the difficulty in breaking long-established connections. But seriously consider reframing how you think of this man in your head. He is not "friend-shaped" (to borrow a term from the recent bear post). He is enemy-shaped or antagonist-shaped or at the very least impediment-to-your-health-and-well-being-shaped. Every time you want to share something with him, remind yourself "he is not my friend."
posted by sardonyx at 7:39 PM on June 24 [19 favorites]
Please remind yourself, that he is not your friend. A friend wouldn't have abandoned you so many times under so many difficult circumstances. A friend wouldn't leave you with no resources. A friend should offer support. A partner should do more.
Yes, people are right when they talk about habit and of the difficulty in breaking long-established connections. But seriously consider reframing how you think of this man in your head. He is not "friend-shaped" (to borrow a term from the recent bear post). He is enemy-shaped or antagonist-shaped or at the very least impediment-to-your-health-and-well-being-shaped. Every time you want to share something with him, remind yourself "he is not my friend."
posted by sardonyx at 7:39 PM on June 24 [19 favorites]
Maybe the sense of “friendship” is something they've been culturing inside you to inhibit you coming after them for what you might be legally entitled to? Part of you recognizes that it's inappropriate to be sharing your feelings but there's this other part that's still brainwashed into believing that this a dying friendship, that might offer closure of some kind.
Your job is to disentangle yourself. Call for help from whatever old, nearly-dead friendships or family relationships you can. There's a chance they might be glad to see you coming back to yourself. Get legal advice but more importantly, get OUT.
posted by brachiopod at 8:01 PM on June 24 [4 favorites]
Your job is to disentangle yourself. Call for help from whatever old, nearly-dead friendships or family relationships you can. There's a chance they might be glad to see you coming back to yourself. Get legal advice but more importantly, get OUT.
posted by brachiopod at 8:01 PM on June 24 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I think this is a trauma response (but first see a lawyer about your rights as a common law spouse!) so anyway, I see this as a trauma response. You chatter away, being yourself, and are abandoned but you can’t cope with it and the memory isn’t stored so it happens over and over and over. Constant rejection and loneliness. My dad just visited me and I couldn’t stop talking and at one point I said to him- you aren’t even answering me half the time, but the eye contact and the tilting of the head and the occasional response just communicates to me that I am being heard and you are listening. It was a blessed relief! When I’m alone here with my husband he just oozes exactly what you describe. At this point in my life I’m telling myself: just don’t bother, he doesn’t care, he’s not listening. Hopefully that’s giving the hurt part of me space to feel protected and heal.
posted by pairofshades at 8:07 PM on June 24 [7 favorites]
posted by pairofshades at 8:07 PM on June 24 [7 favorites]
Beaten to it, but he is not your friend, I am so sorry. He is, at this point, your adversary, exerting control over you by amongst other things ensuring you feel that you are homeless without a legal right to remain. Even if you do not feel that "domestic violence" describes your situation, the things you describe, such as isolating you from your friends, are absolutely behaviours that would be familiar to anyone working at your local domestic violence support service and it would not be inappropriate for you to reach out to them to ask questions about how to exit this situation that benefits you not at all and to find councelling on the needs to be seen and heard that are being so ignored.
posted by Iteki at 10:01 PM on June 24 [8 favorites]
posted by Iteki at 10:01 PM on June 24 [8 favorites]
Common law marriage does not exist in the UK. Citizens advice bureau for England with links for Scotland, Wales and NI.
As for the more complex question of why you don't pull the plug. Nthing everybody who says he is not your friend. He is treating you poorly. Please listen to everybody who says therapy. Recognizing that is hard to come by in many areas at the moment, start by sorting out a different living situation. That will bring you immediate relief for some aspects of this.
But do seek therapy. My cousin ended her marriage at the end of 2019, sold the marital home by end of 2020 and has been formally divorced for a while. But it is only now, after a couple of years of therapy, that she openly talks about the manipulation and poor treatment she endured throughout a lot of the marriage. And it is only now that she is able to consistently hold boundaries with her ex husband around his unwillingness to parent their children/stops accepting his narrative. It takes a long time to notice the patterns and even longer to learn to respond differently in real time.
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:41 AM on June 25 [3 favorites]
As for the more complex question of why you don't pull the plug. Nthing everybody who says he is not your friend. He is treating you poorly. Please listen to everybody who says therapy. Recognizing that is hard to come by in many areas at the moment, start by sorting out a different living situation. That will bring you immediate relief for some aspects of this.
But do seek therapy. My cousin ended her marriage at the end of 2019, sold the marital home by end of 2020 and has been formally divorced for a while. But it is only now, after a couple of years of therapy, that she openly talks about the manipulation and poor treatment she endured throughout a lot of the marriage. And it is only now that she is able to consistently hold boundaries with her ex husband around his unwillingness to parent their children/stops accepting his narrative. It takes a long time to notice the patterns and even longer to learn to respond differently in real time.
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:41 AM on June 25 [3 favorites]
Therapy, if possible.
I would also read up on the overfunctioning and underfunctioning relationship dynamic and see if that resonates for you.
Often, those of us who grow up in volatile households, and grow up quickly, seek out partners who want to be parented. And we give and give and give, as a way to feel like we're in control, but the partner doesn't give back. They simply aren't emotionally mature enough to do so, and you can't get them to that point.
If that's the case, it's vitally important to detach from that dynamic, and work on building yourself up.
posted by champers at 3:15 AM on June 25 [1 favorite]
I would also read up on the overfunctioning and underfunctioning relationship dynamic and see if that resonates for you.
Often, those of us who grow up in volatile households, and grow up quickly, seek out partners who want to be parented. And we give and give and give, as a way to feel like we're in control, but the partner doesn't give back. They simply aren't emotionally mature enough to do so, and you can't get them to that point.
If that's the case, it's vitally important to detach from that dynamic, and work on building yourself up.
posted by champers at 3:15 AM on June 25 [1 favorite]
I was gifted a sentence last year that has helped me deal with an impossible situation. I gift it to you now:
"The apology you are waiting for is never coming."
posted by hydropsyche at 3:20 AM on June 25 [18 favorites]
"The apology you are waiting for is never coming."
posted by hydropsyche at 3:20 AM on June 25 [18 favorites]
Best answer: I had a great therapist who I was chatting with about a similar problem (I knew I needed to do something but I just didn't want to do it).
His excellent advice was: you don't have to want to do it. You don't have to enjoy doing it. You don't have to feel good doing it. You just have to do it.
You can analyze all you want, after you move. You don't need to enjoy the process or feel great about it or feel like things are resolved. You just have to make a list of the most basic practical steps and carry them out.
1) figure out a budget
2) look for appropriate flats, flatshares, or homes
3) tour them and apply to let them
4) move your things
That's approximately all you need to do. You don't need to understand yourself, or him, or feel anything. You just have to trust yourself enough to push through and do what you know is best for you.
posted by knobknosher at 12:33 PM on June 25 [19 favorites]
His excellent advice was: you don't have to want to do it. You don't have to enjoy doing it. You don't have to feel good doing it. You just have to do it.
You can analyze all you want, after you move. You don't need to enjoy the process or feel great about it or feel like things are resolved. You just have to make a list of the most basic practical steps and carry them out.
1) figure out a budget
2) look for appropriate flats, flatshares, or homes
3) tour them and apply to let them
4) move your things
That's approximately all you need to do. You don't need to understand yourself, or him, or feel anything. You just have to trust yourself enough to push through and do what you know is best for you.
posted by knobknosher at 12:33 PM on June 25 [19 favorites]
This will never get better, between you and him. Therapy is a good idea and you should look into it; even online therapy will help. You need someone to talk to, someone who listens, and he is not that and never will be that. The longer you wait to move out on your own, the more you'll kick yourself later, saying "I wish I'd left sooner." Every day you spend waiting on someone who does not love you is a day of your precious, finite life down the toilet.
posted by The otter lady at 4:59 PM on June 25 [1 favorite]
posted by The otter lady at 4:59 PM on June 25 [1 favorite]
I just saw this great Winnie the Pooh quote, essentially: The best way to get to somewhere new is to walk away from where I've been. You want to start a new habit of not telling him everything - that's where you've been. If you want a new habit, it will form automatically if you just go somewhere new. The action will change the habits!
The one thing to do before you go is to see a lawyer about how much money you're legally entitled to as his common law wife! I hope it's a lot! Start the process to get that money, then get out. Good luck!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:15 PM on June 25 [2 favorites]
The one thing to do before you go is to see a lawyer about how much money you're legally entitled to as his common law wife! I hope it's a lot! Start the process to get that money, then get out. Good luck!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:15 PM on June 25 [2 favorites]
His responses when you talk to him are emotionally abusive. Abuse "traps" us, in a way. It can be a paralyzing poison that fills us with fear to even think about breaking away.
The way to break the cycle is to privately take baby steps toward independence: 1) locate a women's shelter and talk to them. They will help you recognize the abuse and can often offer you temporary shelter. They will listen, and they may be able to provide you with a counselor. 2) Make a copy of all your legal documents and store them somewhere offsite so you can immediately access them in your future life. 3) Look for a part-time job. This will give you added financial security and will probably give you people to interact with. Right now you could use that regular interaction and something to think about besides your immediate problems. 4) Locate a place to live within your budget. If you can't afford a place on your own, look for a flat-share situation.
Just because you made a poor decision when you partnered up with him, doesn't mean you have to spend the rest of your life unhappy. There are many, many happy years ahead of you, and your past experiences will make you all the wiser going forward. Blessings to you!
posted by summerstorm at 3:23 PM on June 26 [1 favorite]
The way to break the cycle is to privately take baby steps toward independence: 1) locate a women's shelter and talk to them. They will help you recognize the abuse and can often offer you temporary shelter. They will listen, and they may be able to provide you with a counselor. 2) Make a copy of all your legal documents and store them somewhere offsite so you can immediately access them in your future life. 3) Look for a part-time job. This will give you added financial security and will probably give you people to interact with. Right now you could use that regular interaction and something to think about besides your immediate problems. 4) Locate a place to live within your budget. If you can't afford a place on your own, look for a flat-share situation.
Just because you made a poor decision when you partnered up with him, doesn't mean you have to spend the rest of your life unhappy. There are many, many happy years ahead of you, and your past experiences will make you all the wiser going forward. Blessings to you!
posted by summerstorm at 3:23 PM on June 26 [1 favorite]
A woman’s refuge and/or a domestic violence agency would be excellent resources for you, as well as watching come of Crappy Childhood Fairy’s YouTube videos. My go-to books for confusing relationships with cishet men (and others) are: 1) The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, and 2) Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. I wish you peace, from where I sit here on another continent currently dealing with an avoidant 66m age gap relationship that’s been stealing my joy for too long bc he’s not that into me but yet I stay in touch: you are not alone!
posted by edithkeeler at 9:45 AM on June 30
posted by edithkeeler at 9:45 AM on June 30
You are not logged in, either login or create an account to post comments
posted by Pallas Athena at 4:02 PM on June 24 [11 favorites]