Connection - how do I find it?
September 4, 2023 10:10 PM Subscribe
I want to meet someone and start a family but I don’t know how. I got married young but it didn’t work out and after three years I was divorced. I was inexperienced and chose someone who wasn’t very nice to me and was incompatible. Have done a lot of work on myself. I moved to Europe, learned a new language and a new profession. Over ten years later, now at 38, still haven’t met anyone and I feel quite disconnected at times.
Most of my friends are in relationships and have children. For years I used to adjust myself to their needs in order to nurture and maintain these friendships, but I realized no one is concerned about my need for care and support. I began feeling really depleted and alone. I realized they really had trouble putting themselves in my shoes and I didn’t want to be a tag along anymore, so I see them much less. I took up two new hobbies- as much as I could fit in outside of work, and I really enjoy them. As a plus I met nice people too, but they are all in relationships already. It’s normal at this age to find people already in established relationships or with children, but I sometimes feel a bit on the outside. I often have no one to do things with. My family is across the ocean. It takes a lot of strength to show up for yourself amongst others or be your own company even if it’s in silence. I’m generally a happy and positive person but sometimes I feel sad with so little companionship. Meeting new people organically at this age seems challenging. Haven’t tried online dating and prefer not to, being introverted (but I am friendly). My social life shrunk so much and is nothing like it was in my 20s. My coupled friends mostly have other coupled friends, I understand it suits them better due to their demanding lives, but still.
Is it possible in your late 30s to meet someone? Did it happen to you? How did you stay or become socially connected?
Most of my friends are in relationships and have children. For years I used to adjust myself to their needs in order to nurture and maintain these friendships, but I realized no one is concerned about my need for care and support. I began feeling really depleted and alone. I realized they really had trouble putting themselves in my shoes and I didn’t want to be a tag along anymore, so I see them much less. I took up two new hobbies- as much as I could fit in outside of work, and I really enjoy them. As a plus I met nice people too, but they are all in relationships already. It’s normal at this age to find people already in established relationships or with children, but I sometimes feel a bit on the outside. I often have no one to do things with. My family is across the ocean. It takes a lot of strength to show up for yourself amongst others or be your own company even if it’s in silence. I’m generally a happy and positive person but sometimes I feel sad with so little companionship. Meeting new people organically at this age seems challenging. Haven’t tried online dating and prefer not to, being introverted (but I am friendly). My social life shrunk so much and is nothing like it was in my 20s. My coupled friends mostly have other coupled friends, I understand it suits them better due to their demanding lives, but still.
Is it possible in your late 30s to meet someone? Did it happen to you? How did you stay or become socially connected?
You could try moving out of wherever you're living right now and renting a cheap room in a shared house instead. Just because you can now avoid living like a broke student doesn't mean you have to avoid living like a broke student. A shared house full of broke students and wannabe artists will at best inflate your social bubble nicely and at worst drive you nuts enough to spend more time out at the pub instead.
posted by flabdablet at 11:30 PM on September 4, 2023
posted by flabdablet at 11:30 PM on September 4, 2023
My partner and I met online in our late 30's, so don't despair! The beauty of online dating is being able to cut through a lot of the superficial, time-waste-y stuff that comes with more organic methods of meeting people. Yes, online dating can still be a vast numbers game, but there are ways to be targeted in your search. I think if you are really honest about yourself in your profile, and try to articulate what kind of people you are interested in (so it's not just down to meeting someone "cute", but actually looking for qualities you would find interesting), it can result in successfully matching with like-minded people who you wouldn't otherwise meet.
My partner started online dating as soon as he moved to our shared city as a way to meet friends more than romantic partners, and that worked well for him. He amassed a large friend group that way. As it happened, it didn't take me very long to find him there once I signed up, and we romantically connected. Like you, I was also very introverted and afraid of putting myself out there with online dating, but frankly, it is an excellent tool for the job.
It may seem like everyone your age is paired up, but the advantage to being later 30's is that you'll find a lot of people coming out of divorce, newly single, who now have a lot more wisdom about what they want in a partner.
posted by amusebuche at 12:14 AM on September 5, 2023 [4 favorites]
My partner started online dating as soon as he moved to our shared city as a way to meet friends more than romantic partners, and that worked well for him. He amassed a large friend group that way. As it happened, it didn't take me very long to find him there once I signed up, and we romantically connected. Like you, I was also very introverted and afraid of putting myself out there with online dating, but frankly, it is an excellent tool for the job.
It may seem like everyone your age is paired up, but the advantage to being later 30's is that you'll find a lot of people coming out of divorce, newly single, who now have a lot more wisdom about what they want in a partner.
posted by amusebuche at 12:14 AM on September 5, 2023 [4 favorites]
Have you mentioned to your friends & the nice people you've met through your hobbies that you are interested in finding a relationship? They may have other friends or relatives who would be a good match for you, but they don't mention it because they don't know that you are looking for someone.
I have quite a few friends who met people in their mid-30s to mid-40s in a variety of ways, including online dating, church, work, through friends, and hobby groups.
posted by belladonna at 4:04 AM on September 5, 2023 [3 favorites]
I have quite a few friends who met people in their mid-30s to mid-40s in a variety of ways, including online dating, church, work, through friends, and hobby groups.
posted by belladonna at 4:04 AM on September 5, 2023 [3 favorites]
Yes, it's possible. Of course it is. It's not the easiest thing to make a priority, though, unless you're comfortable enough taking the steps to make it a priority. People prioritize seekign a relationship in any number of ways, the most common and contemporary one of which is online dating (but people can and do still consult with mathmaking services, which includes everything from speed-dating to relationship-oriented meet-ups to life coaches and so on). There's so much that might be helpful to consider when thinking about this, if only because the options available to you are influenced by so many specific variables (location, gender (expression and expectation), relationship must-haves, relationship deal breakers, sexual orientation, etc.).
I'd suggest that it's time to at least explore what goes on under the hood in online dating. There are differences between dating apps/sites, but you'll need to poke around to learn more about how any given one is used (and what its reputation is) locally. The reason I say this is because, at the very least, checking out a dating app or two is an exercise in mentally framing out how you'd describe yourself to potential partners, and that includes at least a loose sketch of what you'd like to see in them. I've had two quite serious relationships develop from people I've met on an app, and I'm a divorced gay guy over 40. Both have led to rewarding, intimate relationships that I hope last a lifetime.
Otherwise, there's not really any single peice of secret knowledge on how to be more social. At risk of sounding pedantic, you find things that are social that you enjoy doing. The reason this isn't a pedantic suggestion is because I think it matters more that you pursue activities and interests for which you genuinely enjoy the social aspect. Sometimes I encounter people who might be interesting, but it weighs on me that I feel like they're grudgingly participating in something—when I feel that, I feel like they're communicating not so much genuine enthusiasm for a shared interest, but something... I don't know, more individualistic? I don't mean to suggest that this is what it feels like to interact with someone who's genuinely, intentionally interested in finding a partner. Rather, this is what it feels like to interact with people who I share an interest with but who maybe don't like to engage with that interest in a social context. As an example, I love to paint but... I don't hang out at gallery openings to talk with artists and collectors and the community around them. I go to galleries on my own, on days when the crowds aren't there. I don't want to talk about taste and theory, I just want to enjoy it. Would I love a partner who's also interested in art? Absolutely! Would I want it to be a main, bonding interest of ours? Probably not at the top of my list.
What's at the top of your list? When you imagine companionship that thrills you, what's the substance that gives you that sense of thrill? If you can make a list of those thrilling things, I'd say it's time to spend more of your free time finding ways to interact socially in contexts that overlap with that list.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 5:27 AM on September 5, 2023 [3 favorites]
I'd suggest that it's time to at least explore what goes on under the hood in online dating. There are differences between dating apps/sites, but you'll need to poke around to learn more about how any given one is used (and what its reputation is) locally. The reason I say this is because, at the very least, checking out a dating app or two is an exercise in mentally framing out how you'd describe yourself to potential partners, and that includes at least a loose sketch of what you'd like to see in them. I've had two quite serious relationships develop from people I've met on an app, and I'm a divorced gay guy over 40. Both have led to rewarding, intimate relationships that I hope last a lifetime.
Otherwise, there's not really any single peice of secret knowledge on how to be more social. At risk of sounding pedantic, you find things that are social that you enjoy doing. The reason this isn't a pedantic suggestion is because I think it matters more that you pursue activities and interests for which you genuinely enjoy the social aspect. Sometimes I encounter people who might be interesting, but it weighs on me that I feel like they're grudgingly participating in something—when I feel that, I feel like they're communicating not so much genuine enthusiasm for a shared interest, but something... I don't know, more individualistic? I don't mean to suggest that this is what it feels like to interact with someone who's genuinely, intentionally interested in finding a partner. Rather, this is what it feels like to interact with people who I share an interest with but who maybe don't like to engage with that interest in a social context. As an example, I love to paint but... I don't hang out at gallery openings to talk with artists and collectors and the community around them. I go to galleries on my own, on days when the crowds aren't there. I don't want to talk about taste and theory, I just want to enjoy it. Would I love a partner who's also interested in art? Absolutely! Would I want it to be a main, bonding interest of ours? Probably not at the top of my list.
What's at the top of your list? When you imagine companionship that thrills you, what's the substance that gives you that sense of thrill? If you can make a list of those thrilling things, I'd say it's time to spend more of your free time finding ways to interact socially in contexts that overlap with that list.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 5:27 AM on September 5, 2023 [3 favorites]
In my area, online dating is the primary way people over 30 meet each other. Asking out people you meet in real life is almost seen as rude. This actually works BETTER for me as an introvert though. Meeting someone online and having a one-on-one first date is a lot less complicated and stressful than dealing with less defined/ straightforward group social interactions.
That said, if you are a man, where I am that makes online dating more challenging: most people are on swipe apps which are inefficient and make it impossible to wow someone with a thoughtful first message. So I don't think it's a tool you should discount but don't feel dejected if it ends up not being too helpful.
posted by metasarah at 7:42 AM on September 5, 2023 [1 favorite]
That said, if you are a man, where I am that makes online dating more challenging: most people are on swipe apps which are inefficient and make it impossible to wow someone with a thoughtful first message. So I don't think it's a tool you should discount but don't feel dejected if it ends up not being too helpful.
posted by metasarah at 7:42 AM on September 5, 2023 [1 favorite]
If you do try online dating, make sure you have good pictures of yourself for your profile. Using the apps with bad pictures is a big waste of time.
posted by catquas at 8:06 AM on September 5, 2023
posted by catquas at 8:06 AM on September 5, 2023
I met my person at 40-something! Don't despair. I think I was a much more balanced person when I settled down than if I'd done it on time.
Yes, online dating. If it works, you meet someone to date, and if not, you still might meet someone to expand your social circle. One of my best friends is a failed online date. Volunteer at something that is meaningful to you (doing something makes meeting people less awkward for me), do an activity that brings you joy (running club, art class, language learning), and try to set a goal of talking to 3 new people each time. Slowly, it will build into a new set of friends and maybe you'll get a date out of it even.
posted by *s at 3:39 PM on September 5, 2023 [2 favorites]
Yes, online dating. If it works, you meet someone to date, and if not, you still might meet someone to expand your social circle. One of my best friends is a failed online date. Volunteer at something that is meaningful to you (doing something makes meeting people less awkward for me), do an activity that brings you joy (running club, art class, language learning), and try to set a goal of talking to 3 new people each time. Slowly, it will build into a new set of friends and maybe you'll get a date out of it even.
posted by *s at 3:39 PM on September 5, 2023 [2 favorites]
Yes totally possible! In your 30's or 40's or beyond. I think the best approach is to widen your social circle, you can both make new friends (some single!) and increase your chances of meeting someone you want to date via the friends and acquaintances of your friends. So all the usual suggestions of activities, classes, community events, etc. Think about things you'd enjoy doing whether or not you meet someone to date as well as where the kind of person you'd like to date would be spending their time. Plus I second the suggestion above to consider shared housing with like-minded people, this will also greatly increase your social circle as people in shared housing know other people in shared housing, exponentially increasing the number of people you encounter, plus they're not completely random and thus more likely to be people you might want to date. There is generally still shared housing options in your 30's in expensive cities or for people with more collectivist leanings.
More philosophically for getting or staying socially connected, I think it's most important to stay open and curious in life, devote energy to developing and maintaining friendships, and be comfortable with some social risk and rejection.
It would probably also be a good idea to familiarize yourself with the cultural norms around dating where you are if you don't feel like you you already have a clear idea of this. Both from talking to local friends and reading immigrant/expat accounts for the things that are so obvious no one will tell you (e.g. kissing someone basically means you are in a relationship outside hooking up at a party or something like that). Having an idea of how people tend to meet and how that tends to develop, how people flirt and express interest.
Broadly generalizing, online dating still seems less common in Europe than the US, which affects who you'll meet there (I tried searching for stats on this, which seemed like spammy marketing surveys, but still looked like outside the UK, it's half the amount or less compared to the US). I've tried it off and on while living in several European countries, and found it pretty disappointing. Disappointing for finding something casual and disappointing for relationships. All the relationships I know of are people who met in real-life, though I have heard of handful of people meeting online, I personally don't know anyone who met that way (except for people I know in the US). Real-life takes longer as you meet less people this way, but the people you do meet seem to be higher-quality matches in term of interests/activities/values, even if you try to screen for that online.
If you do decide to do online dating, be sure to ask around for what are the apps most used where you are. Tinder seems to be the one app popular everywhere, but it is also the firehose of humanity. Imagine walking down the street and having to say yes/no to everyone you pass. You can use online dating as a kind of practice, but it's a specific weird and artificial context of meeting someone you've never seen before. Versus a more relaxed getting to know someone you meet through your life (that can happen quickly or slowly depending on the situation and person). But it's also practice for meeting way more flaky and avoidant people that you would ever meet in real life, so keep your standards high.
posted by orchidee at 8:01 AM on September 6, 2023
More philosophically for getting or staying socially connected, I think it's most important to stay open and curious in life, devote energy to developing and maintaining friendships, and be comfortable with some social risk and rejection.
It would probably also be a good idea to familiarize yourself with the cultural norms around dating where you are if you don't feel like you you already have a clear idea of this. Both from talking to local friends and reading immigrant/expat accounts for the things that are so obvious no one will tell you (e.g. kissing someone basically means you are in a relationship outside hooking up at a party or something like that). Having an idea of how people tend to meet and how that tends to develop, how people flirt and express interest.
Broadly generalizing, online dating still seems less common in Europe than the US, which affects who you'll meet there (I tried searching for stats on this, which seemed like spammy marketing surveys, but still looked like outside the UK, it's half the amount or less compared to the US). I've tried it off and on while living in several European countries, and found it pretty disappointing. Disappointing for finding something casual and disappointing for relationships. All the relationships I know of are people who met in real-life, though I have heard of handful of people meeting online, I personally don't know anyone who met that way (except for people I know in the US). Real-life takes longer as you meet less people this way, but the people you do meet seem to be higher-quality matches in term of interests/activities/values, even if you try to screen for that online.
If you do decide to do online dating, be sure to ask around for what are the apps most used where you are. Tinder seems to be the one app popular everywhere, but it is also the firehose of humanity. Imagine walking down the street and having to say yes/no to everyone you pass. You can use online dating as a kind of practice, but it's a specific weird and artificial context of meeting someone you've never seen before. Versus a more relaxed getting to know someone you meet through your life (that can happen quickly or slowly depending on the situation and person). But it's also practice for meeting way more flaky and avoidant people that you would ever meet in real life, so keep your standards high.
posted by orchidee at 8:01 AM on September 6, 2023
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If you can join a faith community, that can be useful - there aren't a ton of single people going to services probably, but young couples do, and they are often motivated to set their single friends up.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:37 PM on September 4, 2023