Online Classmate Is Making Me Uncomfortable
June 11, 2024 5:06 PM Subscribe
I started an online graduate program last week, and a classmate reached out to me on social media. I have no problem with this in general, but he's been extremely forward about wanting to build a relationship with me, and I just wanted to be friends (now I don't even want that). Any and all advice is welcome! Thank you.
As mentioned above, I started an online graduate program last week, and there are 11 students in it (9 men, 2 women). One of the men requested to be my friend on social media, and I accepted. This has happened many times in the past with classmates while in school, and was never an issue. He sent me a friendly message, just asking how I'm doing. He then sent me his phone number as he was unable to attend a Zoom lecture yesterday, but it turned out it was rescheduled.
I decided to call him anyway, and we chatted about class at first. Then we were talking about life and relationships. We live in the U.S., but halfway across the country from one another. He immediately started mentioning the West Coast (where I live), and taking a trip to Las Vegas together because he loves it there. He mentioned loving the hot climate on the coast, and that he should just move to where I am so that he can enjoy the weather. I laughed nervously, but we did have a lot in common in terms of life goals and values. He's 41, and was engaged previously (I was too).
While discussing relationships, he asked what my perspective is on them. I said that I envision having one in the future and being married, but that I was in two long-term relationships throughout my 20's into my early 30's, and I'm at a point in my life now where I'm just living for myself and not looking for anything serious. I told him upfront that I'm focusing on my studies and don't have the time, energy, or headspace to build something with someone. He heard and understood, but seemed to keep hinting at how important it is to compromise, and that he's ready for a relationship. He said that if two people are ready and on the same page, they can make anything work. I agreed, and emphasized the "if BOTH people are ready" component.
He's been messaging me all day saying that he wants to take an island vacation with me, asking if autumn will work with my schedule. I told him (as politely but clearly as possible) that I only want to be friends, and cannot even fathom sharing my life with or being committed to another person at this moment in time. I made sure to emphasize that I still just want friendship with him. Period. He's hearing it, but he just isn't taking no for an answer. He keeps mentioning compromise, being a patient person who's willing to wait, etc. I told him I've been working on impulsivity in therapy, as I used to rush into things, and it simply isn't healthy for me to do that. And, that an island vacation has a romantic connotation to it, and I wouldn't want to risk ambiguity or him wanting more than I'm able and willing to give.
I also mentioned that I'm very busy with work, our class, and relocating my residence this week. I feel like I've been as transparent and kind as possible while still making it clear that I'm not interested in anything romantic. He said he understands, and then just a few minutes ago, sent me a song that he said reminds him of me (it's about someone being amazing). And yes, this is a lesson learned about not jumping on a phone call or into certain discussion topics too soon when my intuition is telling me not to. Duly noted.
This is giving me the creeps, and at this point, I'm no longer interested in maintaining a connection with this person outside of class. I'm glad it's an online class, as I don't have to worry about awkward social constructs in person. But how do I acquire distance from him further? I'd like to send one final message, based on advice here, that in no uncertain terms conveys that I need this to stop and will not be continuing. I can envision things escalating quickly and him becoming obsessive if I don't nip this in the bud now. It's just too much, and I'm feeling very uncomfortable. To be even more transparent, I'm also wanting to marry someone from a certain culture, and he's not from that culture. I haven't said this and don't plan to, but that's just another reason I don't want to take anything further with this person. I've tried saying I want friendship only, and apparently that's still misleading.
It's also taking time away from my own work on class assignments when I respond to him. He said he always has his phone on him and will always make time for me no matter what. He works a full time job and attends grad school full time, so I have no idea how anyone has that kind of time. Nor do I want to understand it, because that level of availability is not my lifestyle or desire. Thank you in advance!
As mentioned above, I started an online graduate program last week, and there are 11 students in it (9 men, 2 women). One of the men requested to be my friend on social media, and I accepted. This has happened many times in the past with classmates while in school, and was never an issue. He sent me a friendly message, just asking how I'm doing. He then sent me his phone number as he was unable to attend a Zoom lecture yesterday, but it turned out it was rescheduled.
I decided to call him anyway, and we chatted about class at first. Then we were talking about life and relationships. We live in the U.S., but halfway across the country from one another. He immediately started mentioning the West Coast (where I live), and taking a trip to Las Vegas together because he loves it there. He mentioned loving the hot climate on the coast, and that he should just move to where I am so that he can enjoy the weather. I laughed nervously, but we did have a lot in common in terms of life goals and values. He's 41, and was engaged previously (I was too).
While discussing relationships, he asked what my perspective is on them. I said that I envision having one in the future and being married, but that I was in two long-term relationships throughout my 20's into my early 30's, and I'm at a point in my life now where I'm just living for myself and not looking for anything serious. I told him upfront that I'm focusing on my studies and don't have the time, energy, or headspace to build something with someone. He heard and understood, but seemed to keep hinting at how important it is to compromise, and that he's ready for a relationship. He said that if two people are ready and on the same page, they can make anything work. I agreed, and emphasized the "if BOTH people are ready" component.
He's been messaging me all day saying that he wants to take an island vacation with me, asking if autumn will work with my schedule. I told him (as politely but clearly as possible) that I only want to be friends, and cannot even fathom sharing my life with or being committed to another person at this moment in time. I made sure to emphasize that I still just want friendship with him. Period. He's hearing it, but he just isn't taking no for an answer. He keeps mentioning compromise, being a patient person who's willing to wait, etc. I told him I've been working on impulsivity in therapy, as I used to rush into things, and it simply isn't healthy for me to do that. And, that an island vacation has a romantic connotation to it, and I wouldn't want to risk ambiguity or him wanting more than I'm able and willing to give.
I also mentioned that I'm very busy with work, our class, and relocating my residence this week. I feel like I've been as transparent and kind as possible while still making it clear that I'm not interested in anything romantic. He said he understands, and then just a few minutes ago, sent me a song that he said reminds him of me (it's about someone being amazing). And yes, this is a lesson learned about not jumping on a phone call or into certain discussion topics too soon when my intuition is telling me not to. Duly noted.
This is giving me the creeps, and at this point, I'm no longer interested in maintaining a connection with this person outside of class. I'm glad it's an online class, as I don't have to worry about awkward social constructs in person. But how do I acquire distance from him further? I'd like to send one final message, based on advice here, that in no uncertain terms conveys that I need this to stop and will not be continuing. I can envision things escalating quickly and him becoming obsessive if I don't nip this in the bud now. It's just too much, and I'm feeling very uncomfortable. To be even more transparent, I'm also wanting to marry someone from a certain culture, and he's not from that culture. I haven't said this and don't plan to, but that's just another reason I don't want to take anything further with this person. I've tried saying I want friendship only, and apparently that's still misleading.
It's also taking time away from my own work on class assignments when I respond to him. He said he always has his phone on him and will always make time for me no matter what. He works a full time job and attends grad school full time, so I have no idea how anyone has that kind of time. Nor do I want to understand it, because that level of availability is not my lifestyle or desire. Thank you in advance!
Waaaaay too much relationship talk waaaaaaaaaaaay too soon. I agree with librarina: block him. He's bad news for anyone.
posted by humbug at 5:10 PM on June 11 [22 favorites]
posted by humbug at 5:10 PM on June 11 [22 favorites]
Yeah. Block this dude. HE's really laying it on thick in an unhealthy way.
posted by Alensin at 5:12 PM on June 11 [15 favorites]
posted by Alensin at 5:12 PM on June 11 [15 favorites]
He is behaving terribly. He is way too old and experienced not to know this. Be very clear, no hedging, no being friends. You do not want to speak to him and he has soured any chances of even being a good classmate.
If he keeps it up, report him to your appropriate school office.
posted by stormygrey at 5:12 PM on June 11 [21 favorites]
If he keeps it up, report him to your appropriate school office.
posted by stormygrey at 5:12 PM on June 11 [21 favorites]
Yes, unfriend him and block him on social media and your phone. He’s being very creepy and tossing red flags left and right.
You might not be able to stop him from contacting you through in program methods, like discussion boards, or class emails or whatever. But you can make the decision now not to respond to anything he sends you. It never gets better with people like this.
posted by Well I never at 5:12 PM on June 11 [9 favorites]
You might not be able to stop him from contacting you through in program methods, like discussion boards, or class emails or whatever. But you can make the decision now not to respond to anything he sends you. It never gets better with people like this.
posted by Well I never at 5:12 PM on June 11 [9 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you for such prompt (and unanimous) responses. My approach would be to send one last message before blocking, if I take that route. The message would say something like, "I appreciate you reaching out, but I've realized that I do not want to maintain contact with classmates outside of class, and will only be communicating on [online platform] for school-related matters." Something tells me that's still not clear enough, though it doesn't seem like anything would be.
I would only want to send "one last message" in case anything escalated and I would need documentation/evidence later to show that I did ask him to stop.
posted by Jangatroo at 5:27 PM on June 11 [8 favorites]
I would only want to send "one last message" in case anything escalated and I would need documentation/evidence later to show that I did ask him to stop.
posted by Jangatroo at 5:27 PM on June 11 [8 favorites]
Strong agree on the advice to block.
And a helpful tip for the future that I wish I had known sooner: if you're on the phone with someone and feel weird about it, it is 100% legal to just hang up. You can just do that! Police won't come or anything, it's great.
posted by phunniemee at 5:28 PM on June 11 [24 favorites]
And a helpful tip for the future that I wish I had known sooner: if you're on the phone with someone and feel weird about it, it is 100% legal to just hang up. You can just do that! Police won't come or anything, it's great.
posted by phunniemee at 5:28 PM on June 11 [24 favorites]
Block omfg.
posted by whatevernot at 5:30 PM on June 11 [6 favorites]
posted by whatevernot at 5:30 PM on June 11 [6 favorites]
I appreciate you reaching out, but I've realized that I do not want to maintain contact with classmates outside of class, and will only be communicating on [online platform] for school-related matters."
I would not say this. Either block without any message or say "I no longer wish to have contact." do not imply that this is a blanket rule for all classmates because then if/when he finds out you've chatted with someone else he will think it is some sort of gotcha. Do not talk about maintaining contact on school platforms, even if you kind of have to, don't bring it up. He will feel like you are closing the door and pointing to the window. ALso, you do not appreciate his reaching out, so don't say you do.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 5:33 PM on June 11 [71 favorites]
I would not say this. Either block without any message or say "I no longer wish to have contact." do not imply that this is a blanket rule for all classmates because then if/when he finds out you've chatted with someone else he will think it is some sort of gotcha. Do not talk about maintaining contact on school platforms, even if you kind of have to, don't bring it up. He will feel like you are closing the door and pointing to the window. ALso, you do not appreciate his reaching out, so don't say you do.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 5:33 PM on June 11 [71 favorites]
Block as everyone else has said, but I think your proposed final message has too much wiggle room. If he's willing to ignore the boundaries you've already set, he'll decide that message just means you don't want social contact while you're both in that class, and that you're open to it once the class/program is over. Don't leave any wiggle room, don't be polite and nice for the sake of sparing his feelings. Be as straightforward and honest as possible, something like "Your behavior makes me very uncomfortable and I no longer wish to have any contact with you in any context" before blocking.
posted by yasaman at 5:35 PM on June 11 [25 favorites]
posted by yasaman at 5:35 PM on June 11 [25 favorites]
You're trying to let him down easily, and there can be good reasons for that. However, you have already told him several times "just friends" and he is not responding in that vein. I believe your final message should not include anything about appreciating him or about whether you'll have contact with any classmates (because maybe you will want that with a different classmate). I think the final message should be brief and clear, something like, "Do not contact me anymore. Thank you." And then block him everywhere that you can.
posted by tuesdayschild at 5:38 PM on June 11 [13 favorites]
posted by tuesdayschild at 5:38 PM on June 11 [13 favorites]
Yes, every interaction you describe involves you softpedaling. You don't want a relationship now (but maybe later!), you're not interested in anything romantic (but other things are good!). The route to go is "Person, our conversations have begun to make me very uncomfortable. To be clear, I will not be communicating with you any more at all. Please do not contact me. Good luck with your future endeavors."
(I added the last sentence because it feels kinder to say something positive, but it NEEDS to be as anonymous as possible--not good luck with your [thing he's mentioned] or your schoolwork or whatever. It should sound like a letter to someone you do not know.)
But after that, yeah, block him.
posted by gideonfrog at 5:40 PM on June 11 [25 favorites]
(I added the last sentence because it feels kinder to say something positive, but it NEEDS to be as anonymous as possible--not good luck with your [thing he's mentioned] or your schoolwork or whatever. It should sound like a letter to someone you do not know.)
But after that, yeah, block him.
posted by gideonfrog at 5:40 PM on June 11 [25 favorites]
"Let me be more direct: I do not want to be in contact with you. Your contact is unwelcome. Stop contacting me."
Check if your school has a policy about harassment, if only for your own information. You might possibly want to append a sentence to the effect that "I will consider contact after this point harassment and will inform the [relevant school office]."
Don't apologize to him about this at any point, or use apologetic language. Don't try to be nice, as much as that goes against the grain.
If there is some group project and you are assigned to work together, tell the professor that he displayed harassing behavior and you are not comfortable working with him.
I actually think it's not a bad thing to send a direct final message, so that you can have a paper trail. But it's impossible to know whether he'll make fewer problems this way or not.
posted by trig at 5:42 PM on June 11 [18 favorites]
Check if your school has a policy about harassment, if only for your own information. You might possibly want to append a sentence to the effect that "I will consider contact after this point harassment and will inform the [relevant school office]."
Don't apologize to him about this at any point, or use apologetic language. Don't try to be nice, as much as that goes against the grain.
If there is some group project and you are assigned to work together, tell the professor that he displayed harassing behavior and you are not comfortable working with him.
I actually think it's not a bad thing to send a direct final message, so that you can have a paper trail. But it's impossible to know whether he'll make fewer problems this way or not.
posted by trig at 5:42 PM on June 11 [18 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you all so much. I just sent him a text message saying, "[Name], this behavior is making me uncomfortable, and I no longer want to remain in contact. I wish you all the best with your future endeavors." I'll block him if he responds, already blocked him on social media.
posted by Jangatroo at 5:46 PM on June 11 [69 favorites]
posted by Jangatroo at 5:46 PM on June 11 [69 favorites]
I'll block him if he responds
Consider blocking him now, before he responds. Don't give him a chance to try to convince you to change your mind, or engage in a discussion about it, or otherwise waste any more of your precious energy on managing him and his feelings. Highly recommend preemptive blocking.
posted by peperomia at 5:53 PM on June 11 [26 favorites]
Consider blocking him now, before he responds. Don't give him a chance to try to convince you to change your mind, or engage in a discussion about it, or otherwise waste any more of your precious energy on managing him and his feelings. Highly recommend preemptive blocking.
posted by peperomia at 5:53 PM on June 11 [26 favorites]
Response by poster: @peperomia, too late, he already texted, "What?" and immediately tried calling after I sent it. Now I blocked him! Hah.
posted by Jangatroo at 5:57 PM on June 11 [59 favorites]
posted by Jangatroo at 5:57 PM on June 11 [59 favorites]
Blocking is good. Do not feel bad. You owe this person nothing.
I also recommend you give whoever is in charge of the class a heads up that this person made you uncomfortable. I feel like this is something the instructor absolutely needs to know, even if they can't do much about it. I imagine they have a few more resources to keep an eye on this person, at least through whatever platform you're using.
posted by edencosmic at 6:02 PM on June 11 [41 favorites]
I also recommend you give whoever is in charge of the class a heads up that this person made you uncomfortable. I feel like this is something the instructor absolutely needs to know, even if they can't do much about it. I imagine they have a few more resources to keep an eye on this person, at least through whatever platform you're using.
posted by edencosmic at 6:02 PM on June 11 [41 favorites]
Best answer: Can I give you a book recommendation? It's a new book, Stop People Pleasing and Find Your Power, by Hailey Magee. I'm only a few pages in, and I think it will speak very well to some of these situations and how to manage them early on.
posted by bluedaisy at 6:06 PM on June 11 [16 favorites]
posted by bluedaisy at 6:06 PM on June 11 [16 favorites]
Yeah, pushing you to consider engaging in a romantic relationship after you have already told him that you are not interested in one is sexual harassment.
I also suggest that you send a brief private note (email?) to the course instructor informing them of the harassment and the fact that you have told this guy not to contact you again and blocked him. This way you'll be ahead of the situation in case the instructor has any group- or partner-work planned for later in the course (or in case it comes up again later on in the program).
posted by heatherlogan at 6:55 PM on June 11 [25 favorites]
I also suggest that you send a brief private note (email?) to the course instructor informing them of the harassment and the fact that you have told this guy not to contact you again and blocked him. This way you'll be ahead of the situation in case the instructor has any group- or partner-work planned for later in the course (or in case it comes up again later on in the program).
posted by heatherlogan at 6:55 PM on June 11 [25 favorites]
Best answer: Hey Jangatroo, I'm an instructor in an online course like this, and I definitely would want to know about this. I would bring it up with my department head minimally, and if nothing else I would make sure not to put you in any small groups with him. Please let your instructor know.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 7:45 PM on June 11 [51 favorites]
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 7:45 PM on June 11 [51 favorites]
Definitely let the instructor know. For example, as an instructor, I would rethink any plans I had for the class to independently form groups for assignments--I'd be assigning them "randomly", making sure you don't end up in the same group.
posted by hoyland at 8:29 PM on June 11 [27 favorites]
posted by hoyland at 8:29 PM on June 11 [27 favorites]
Yes, definitely tell the instructor as soon as possible, as this will also head off any potential gaslighting by this creep trying to spin it in his favour.
posted by essexjan at 1:11 AM on June 12 [6 favorites]
posted by essexjan at 1:11 AM on June 12 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Everyone's given great advice already, so I'll just add that you have come up with a lot of excuses as to why you don't want to be in a relationship with him -- time, business, culture. It sounded like you were trying to apologize not just to him, but even to us, asking us to please understand your circumstances.
You don't need a single excuse. You don't need any justification. You don't need any reasons at all. If you don't want a romantic (or any kind of!) relationship with someone, you are allowed to simply not want that and have it be final, and not explain it at all to anyone.
Well done for blocking him, and kudos on applying the feedback to write a much firmer message!
posted by Pwoink at 5:01 AM on June 12 [28 favorites]
You don't need a single excuse. You don't need any justification. You don't need any reasons at all. If you don't want a romantic (or any kind of!) relationship with someone, you are allowed to simply not want that and have it be final, and not explain it at all to anyone.
Well done for blocking him, and kudos on applying the feedback to write a much firmer message!
posted by Pwoink at 5:01 AM on June 12 [28 favorites]
You should let the instructor know the broad outlines of what happened—dude said he wanted to be friends, you got a lot of unwanted attention bordering on harassment, you told him not to contact you further and blocked him. Not because you expect any corrective action from the instructor now, but there's unfortunately a good chance that this isn't the end of the harassment, and it will be easier for them to intervene if they're previously aware of the situation. Also, all the good reasons the last few commenters have mentioned.
posted by grouse at 6:12 AM on June 12 [3 favorites]
posted by grouse at 6:12 AM on June 12 [3 favorites]
You should be aware, however, of whether staff at your institution are mandatory reporters of sexual harassment. If they are, if you don't want an immediate investigation by your institution's Title IX office, you might want to be careful about how you report it. Mandatory reporter policies are well-intentioned, but sometimes lead to an extra minefield for the subjects of harassment.
posted by grouse at 6:20 AM on June 12 [3 favorites]
posted by grouse at 6:20 AM on June 12 [3 favorites]
Best answer: You're getting great advice here but I just want to say this:
I've tried saying I want friendship only, and apparently that's still misleading.
No, it is not. You are not being misleading, he is being an asshole who doesn't respect your honesty, or you. He understands just fine, he just doesn't think you're a person.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:47 AM on June 12 [22 favorites]
I've tried saying I want friendship only, and apparently that's still misleading.
No, it is not. You are not being misleading, he is being an asshole who doesn't respect your honesty, or you. He understands just fine, he just doesn't think you're a person.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:47 AM on June 12 [22 favorites]
This guy, and guys like him, read “friendly” and understand it as “fuckable”. He didn’t care that you were not up for commitment or long term, it was appealing to him because you could have been a west coast booty call. He decided your words meant he had room between them to get his dick wet. I’m glad you’ve blocked him, and hope you can use this as guidance for the next, inevitable, guy who has convinced himself you are signaling things you so clearly are not. At the first sign of pushback when you express discomfort, retreat, block, do not give excuses or explanations, don’t give in to manipulation, resist the urge to please.
posted by Mizu at 2:42 PM on June 12 [3 favorites]
posted by Mizu at 2:42 PM on June 12 [3 favorites]
I’m just here to clap for you! Well done, super job! I’ve had a hard time with these situations in my life and you have handled this very well and should be super proud of yourself! ❤️👏🏻
posted by hilaryjade at 6:13 PM on June 12 [8 favorites]
posted by hilaryjade at 6:13 PM on June 12 [8 favorites]
Good for you for unambiguously blocking him! Absolutely tell the instructor, if you feel like doing so, for your protection.
Beware, if this guy is anything like the person a friend of mine had to deal with, he's going to try to create allies of other students who will write you on his behalf. They'll say things like "he doesn't understand!" or "he feels really badly and just wants to talk with you one more time to explain/apologize".
Do not budge from your no contact position! Tell the others that you want no contact with him under any circumstances.
No need to explain or justify, unless this becomes some kind of official inquiry. Even then, be clear that you want no contact, period.
The experience my friend taught her that "no" is a complete sentence. Just "no".
posted by jasper411 at 10:14 PM on June 12 [3 favorites]
Beware, if this guy is anything like the person a friend of mine had to deal with, he's going to try to create allies of other students who will write you on his behalf. They'll say things like "he doesn't understand!" or "he feels really badly and just wants to talk with you one more time to explain/apologize".
Do not budge from your no contact position! Tell the others that you want no contact with him under any circumstances.
No need to explain or justify, unless this becomes some kind of official inquiry. Even then, be clear that you want no contact, period.
The experience my friend taught her that "no" is a complete sentence. Just "no".
posted by jasper411 at 10:14 PM on June 12 [3 favorites]
He's probably harassing the other woman in the class too.
posted by JanetLand at 5:17 AM on June 13 [2 favorites]
posted by JanetLand at 5:17 AM on June 13 [2 favorites]
Good moves! Tell the faculty that Bad Boundaries Bart is behaving in a way that may complicate/compromise collaborative classwork by not graciously accepting a “not interested in being more than a classmate” limit.
The TIX folks will want him on their radar. It’s the type of behavior that can lead to fewer people completing the program/reaching their academic goals.
posted by childofTethys at 5:22 AM on June 13 [1 favorite]
The TIX folks will want him on their radar. It’s the type of behavior that can lead to fewer people completing the program/reaching their academic goals.
posted by childofTethys at 5:22 AM on June 13 [1 favorite]
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posted by librarina at 5:08 PM on June 11 [52 favorites]