"No, of course I like you. It's because I like you, I don't want to be with you. It's a complicated...emotion."
February 23, 2010 9:53 PM   Subscribe

Help me stop crushing on my classmate!

I'm a woman, mid-20s, in a very small graduate program of about 25 people. For the last few months, I've had a crush on my classmate, who is a few years younger. When we first met, we were both in relationships, and at that time I wasn't particularly interested in him. As time has gone by, and our relationships have ended, we have become closer, becoming friends and study partners. This would be fine if it weren't for my pesky crush.

I'm pretty sure that my feelings are fallout from the end of my previous relationship, which lasted five and a half years, included plans to get married, and ended when my fiancee suddenly decided that our relationship was not what he wanted. Being in a relationship is the last thing on my mind now.

Yet, it's so fun to go to class and have my heart beat wildly when I see him, be ridiculously aware of every action he makes, and have fantasies of what could happen. I'm jealous when he talks about other girls, even though I have no right to be.

I have tried to rationalize to myself that I absolutely do not want to date my classmate now that we are both single. Crushing is keeping me from dealing with the end of my previous relationship, since it allows me to fantasize about a hypothetically perfect relationship, the one that would "fix" all of the problems from the previous one. Our program is so small that a relationship would be fatal to our studies and perhaps to our reputations, too. I'm on the rebound and to be brutally honest, I'm starved for affection and to be touched. He doesn't like me that way. He's not my type. A relationship between the two of us would never work out as there are certain qualities about him that, even as a friend, I find particularly annoying.

And so on. None of this has worked. If anything, my feelings have intensified.

Obviously trying to minimize proximity is not entirely possible. I'd rather keep my study partner, especially as in the wake of the break-up my grades actually improved as I submerged my feelings into studying. How to stop crushing though?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (12 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
 
Fart in front of him? Then maybe wink at him or something and smirk at your devilish powers of self denial.
posted by circular at 10:04 PM on February 23, 2010 [1 favorite]


Your grades have improved. Hanging out with him makes you feel good... I'm sorry, why do you want to stop crushing on him? Just as long as you don't veer down 'psycho stalker/jealousy rampage' path, It seems fairly harmless and fun. When I had crushes on classmates in the (distant) past, it was a nice little motivation for me to not dress like a slob, do my work, and keep my spirits up, and it sounds like he might be filling a similar role.
posted by blazingunicorn at 10:24 PM on February 23, 2010 [5 favorites]


Expand your world outside your (I'm guessing intense and close) program. Go out and meet some other interesting people, for romance, sex, or just new friends. It will give you something else novel and exciting to think about, and maybe fulfill some of the cravings you're having. Having been in a similar situation, I'm guessing the closeness of the post-grad situation is feeding this just as much as the break-up.
posted by crabintheocean at 10:53 PM on February 23, 2010 [1 favorite]


How do you know he doesn't like you that way?
posted by xiaolongbao at 11:30 PM on February 23, 2010


Can you meet anyone else? Is there any way to get out to a party/bar and hook up with some random guy? Would that help you get over the desire to be touched?
posted by jacalata at 1:03 AM on February 24, 2010


Find a research topic, and fall desperately in love with it.
posted by pickypicky at 1:25 AM on February 24, 2010


You know -- I know that crushes kind of suck, but...this may be okay. It sounds like you have the proper perspective about it (you know that it may be just rebound feelings), you don't really have intentions of doing anything about it, so...maybe just accepting it as "hooray for me still wanting to let my heart find hope in the possibility".

Mind you, I'm only saying this because I'm not sensing that it's causing you suffering (i.e., you're not seriously wanting to be with him, you seem firmly in the 'it's nice to think about, though' camp), and it's not distracting you from your studies. If it IS distracting you and causing you problems, then that's different. But it doesn't sound like that's the case -- you're just digging on the vibe. And that's okay. I mean, I've got this huge rampaging celebrity crush on David Tennant, but I'm also WELL aware of the fact that "this is so never going to happen and this is just a fun little fantasy", so I don't see the need to try and do something about it, and so I leave it as a little place for my mind to run and have a daydream when it wants. And eventually it will stop on its own (which probably will be the next time Liam Neeson has a decent film role). If youhave the right perspective about your classmate -- and it sounds like you do -- you may be okay just riding this out.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:22 AM on February 24, 2010


He doesn't like me that way.

One of the things I've learned as I've gotten older is that I cannot read minds. I have finally stopped assuming what other people are thinking and realized that my fantasies that I can are projections of my own attitudes about myself.

You can't stop a crush. You can either remove yourself or suffer through it.

If suffering through it is your choice, go through the pain, don't avoid it. Just accept the feelings for what they are, work hard to fully experience their uncomfortableness, and realize that these feelings are going to pass. Observe yourself in class. Are you always feeling it every minute in class? I suspect the answer is no. Understanding that these feelings are, like everything else, impermanent and transient will go a long way towards calming your anxiety regarding your feelings.

Also, focus on the pain of losing your fiance. Everytime you get the crushy/anxious feeling, ask yourself if you are feeling hurt from the fallout of your last relationship.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:53 AM on February 24, 2010 [2 favorites]


He doesn't like me that way.

Unlike the others, I'm going to encourage you to keep assuming this. For a variety of reasons, dating someone in your program is a bad idea. Plus, if he's dating other people and talking about it, it really seems like maybe he isn't into you.

Seems like the big issue is that you feel ready to move on with some kind of rebound relationship, but the nearest option is not a good one. What if you asked your classmates (even including him) if they could set you up with someone? Get out there and feel like he's not the only one recovering from prior relationships. It would also give you a cover if some of your crushing behavior is not as subtle as you think.

Having a crush can be fun (sometimes in a sadistic way). Make sure any excuses you give for why you aren't dating aren't just an excuse to keep your crush going AND make sure that the crush itself isn't an excuse for not dating again.
posted by parkerjackson at 6:15 AM on February 24, 2010 [2 favorites]


Two steps here:

1. Don't worry about it, as others have said you seem to have the perspective necessary to make sure that this crush is harmless, and it seems like it is good for you right now.

2. As long as you are maintaining that perspective then you might as well enjoy the crush, who knows something might even develop of it eventually, but more likely its going to help you get through this rough patch a little easier and as long as you are not singularly fixated on this guy what is that harm?
posted by BobbyDigital at 7:30 AM on February 24, 2010


I hate to borrow an example from a romance novel, but you could try an "exorcism", i.e. tell him you likey-like him*. If you are pretty sure he's not interested back (and I agree with parkerjackson that it doesn't sound like he is. Most guys are ah, pretty transparent when they want to boink you, unless they're supershy and it doesn't sound like this one is), him rejecting you like that in person might squash it enough, or it's embarrassing enough, so that you can move on. Of course, that's kind of the "oh shit" scenario and I wouldn't want to try it myself, but I figured I'd mention it as a last-ditch thing.

My thoughts otherwise are:
(a) therapy is awesome
(b) uh, getting into another relationship sounds like it's the FIRST thing on your mind rather than the last these days. Yeah, you don't want to rebound, and you know you're not in the right mental place for another one, but part of you is screaming for a rebound and it's latching onto the first guy on your radar.
(c) Nature abhors a vacuum. Replacing this guy with nobody, well... let's just say I haven't figured out a solution to that one myself. Regardless of how much you might not want to jump into another relationship right now, some part of you reallyreallyreally wants to.
(d) Ergo: time for short-term rebound dating with other people. Preferably ones that you don't mind touching you, but aren't someone you're going to start thinking is your soulmate.

Some people can handle the "fun little crush" thing, but you don't sound like one of them to me. I hear ya. Right now you're looking for Mr. Fixit and mentally you're aware of why this isn't good, but emotionally you're looking to cling to someone ASAP. I think at this point you might as well try it with people that you don't mind ah, loving and losing so much.

* Judith Krantz's Till We Meet Again. Though given the subject matter, the "humiliate yourself out of being in love" thing didn't work so well there :P But in real life, that might work.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:38 PM on February 24, 2010


What blazingunicorn said. With an addition that some, um, casual encounters might redirect some of your interest in affection and touching.
posted by grapesaresour at 3:24 PM on February 24, 2010


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