Feeling unworthy of love after past relationship mistakes
May 20, 2024 7:48 PM Subscribe
I was recently broken up with, much of the reason being I had a naive view about romance and did not know how to connect deeply with my partner. I was also depressed at the time, could not recognize it yet, and further failed to respond to my partner's needs at the time. I feel a constant guilt for my actions. How does anyone cope with being the reason a relationship falls apart and feeling worthy again?
I intend to remain single for a while because I know I am nowhere near ready to enter another relationship or attempt dating, but I am still fearing I'll repeat my mistakes again when the time comes, and that my actions already make me far too unworthy of being loved any more or better in the future. I've also realized since the break-up I've built a bit of an inferiority complex. She hurt me in some ways, but I hurt her more. Looking back, I still see her so highly, to the point where I find her life more important than mine. I know it's wrong, though. I know she's a person with flaws as well.
I have tried focusing on myself, giving myself hobbies to do so that I can redirect my thoughts and maybe build my confidence. It has helped to an extent and I know to keep going, but at some points I feel like I don't deserve to feel good again. My train of thought is, "why should I be trying to uplift myself now when I let someone I loved down". Am I worthy of compassion from others? Am I worthy of self-compassion? Am I worthy of something better one day, when I was the bad part of a previous relationship? I guess I'd like to hear from anyone who's been in similar situations. How do you challenge this way of thinking?
I intend to remain single for a while because I know I am nowhere near ready to enter another relationship or attempt dating, but I am still fearing I'll repeat my mistakes again when the time comes, and that my actions already make me far too unworthy of being loved any more or better in the future. I've also realized since the break-up I've built a bit of an inferiority complex. She hurt me in some ways, but I hurt her more. Looking back, I still see her so highly, to the point where I find her life more important than mine. I know it's wrong, though. I know she's a person with flaws as well.
I have tried focusing on myself, giving myself hobbies to do so that I can redirect my thoughts and maybe build my confidence. It has helped to an extent and I know to keep going, but at some points I feel like I don't deserve to feel good again. My train of thought is, "why should I be trying to uplift myself now when I let someone I loved down". Am I worthy of compassion from others? Am I worthy of self-compassion? Am I worthy of something better one day, when I was the bad part of a previous relationship? I guess I'd like to hear from anyone who's been in similar situations. How do you challenge this way of thinking?
Best answer: Imagine your best friend brought this very same question to you, what would you say? So often we don't extend to ourselves the same compassion, forgiveness, and understanding we would give to others. So one way to challenge this way of thinking is to treat yourself the way you would treat a good friend.
It's also good to remind yourself that nearly everyone is capable of change. Did you make mistakes in the past? Sure, everyone does, but you are not doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over and over again. You can get better at being in relationships that is a skill you can learn and practice.
I will also note that you talk in very stark ways about yourself and your ex. You ex is someone you "see so highly" while you "don't deserve to feel good again." Maybe dial each of those phrases down a notch. Really rephrase them. Write new versions, say them out loud. You are not that awful and your ex is surely not that saintly.
posted by brookeb at 8:36 PM on May 20 [3 favorites]
It's also good to remind yourself that nearly everyone is capable of change. Did you make mistakes in the past? Sure, everyone does, but you are not doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over and over again. You can get better at being in relationships that is a skill you can learn and practice.
I will also note that you talk in very stark ways about yourself and your ex. You ex is someone you "see so highly" while you "don't deserve to feel good again." Maybe dial each of those phrases down a notch. Really rephrase them. Write new versions, say them out loud. You are not that awful and your ex is surely not that saintly.
posted by brookeb at 8:36 PM on May 20 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Everybody's worthy of compassion, friend.
It doesn't sound like you cheated on or defrauded or abused your ex--you just didn't meet her needs. The latter is not a moral issue. It may be that that's nobody's fault, that you simply weren't able to do so in a way that was consistent with your own character. Or maybe you could have, but didn't understand how. These are things we learn through life. If a bad ending to a relationship disqualified us for love in the future, most of us would be permanently single.
posted by praemunire at 8:51 PM on May 20 [7 favorites]
It doesn't sound like you cheated on or defrauded or abused your ex--you just didn't meet her needs. The latter is not a moral issue. It may be that that's nobody's fault, that you simply weren't able to do so in a way that was consistent with your own character. Or maybe you could have, but didn't understand how. These are things we learn through life. If a bad ending to a relationship disqualified us for love in the future, most of us would be permanently single.
posted by praemunire at 8:51 PM on May 20 [7 favorites]
It took me many years to be able to assess the "bad" things I thought I'd done and realize that they weren't really that bad - not that they were great but they were just regular old human failings. Taking you at your word, here, you weren't that great a partner. So? You didn't steal her money or kick her cat or sexually harass a subordinate or use racial slurs or jack up the rent on a tenant or cheat your employees or lie to get someone in trouble with their manager. You didn't foreclose on some vulnerable old lady to make a buck or design a better hellfire missile. It's a shame that you couldn't bring your best self to this relationship and it's good that you're reflecting on it, but it's not despicable to have been distant or not that great a partner, especially in what sounds like a relatively short relationship.
There are a lot of things that feel very upsetting - you're sad, you're disappointed in yourself, you're worried about the future - and it's easy to feel that they must have an equivalently large moral valence. You feel really bad, and that must be because you're a really bad person, because otherwise why would you feel so bad? But those are separate things. You feel really bad because something sad and upsetting has happened, but that doesn't mean that you are a monster, unworthy of love, doomed to unhappiness, etc. You're just sad.
Without more information, it's difficult to assess your qualities as a romantic partner, but I will say that a lot of people get better at relationships over time and that a lot of the success of a relationship comes from picking the right person - someone can have a lot of problems in a relationship with one person even though that person is a perfectly decent human and then have a smooth sailing type relationship with someone else who is a better fit. It's good to consider how you act, how to be emotionally present, etc, but it's also possible that you will simply connect better with a different type of person.
Most of the time when people think, "I am a horrible monster who needs to do a huge amount of work on myself to be even minimally tolerable", they are wrong. Most people IME as an old person are really fairly okay and maybe need some fine-tuning but what they really need are things like jobs that use their skills, friendships where they have interests in common, relationships where they have similar values and communication styles, etc. When I was 28 a psychiatrist told me that what I really needed was not so much analysis as a job that didn't make me stressed and miserable, and at the time I thought he was wrong, but over the years I've come round to his point of view.
posted by Frowner at 8:55 PM on May 20 [11 favorites]
There are a lot of things that feel very upsetting - you're sad, you're disappointed in yourself, you're worried about the future - and it's easy to feel that they must have an equivalently large moral valence. You feel really bad, and that must be because you're a really bad person, because otherwise why would you feel so bad? But those are separate things. You feel really bad because something sad and upsetting has happened, but that doesn't mean that you are a monster, unworthy of love, doomed to unhappiness, etc. You're just sad.
Without more information, it's difficult to assess your qualities as a romantic partner, but I will say that a lot of people get better at relationships over time and that a lot of the success of a relationship comes from picking the right person - someone can have a lot of problems in a relationship with one person even though that person is a perfectly decent human and then have a smooth sailing type relationship with someone else who is a better fit. It's good to consider how you act, how to be emotionally present, etc, but it's also possible that you will simply connect better with a different type of person.
Most of the time when people think, "I am a horrible monster who needs to do a huge amount of work on myself to be even minimally tolerable", they are wrong. Most people IME as an old person are really fairly okay and maybe need some fine-tuning but what they really need are things like jobs that use their skills, friendships where they have interests in common, relationships where they have similar values and communication styles, etc. When I was 28 a psychiatrist told me that what I really needed was not so much analysis as a job that didn't make me stressed and miserable, and at the time I thought he was wrong, but over the years I've come round to his point of view.
posted by Frowner at 8:55 PM on May 20 [11 favorites]
I think you need to focus on healing your depression. What you need to take away from this relationship is to learn from it and do better next time in all your relationships, not just romantic ones. When you know better, you do better. Relationship skills can absolutely be built. Read drnerdlove.com and check out Jimmy on Relationships on YouTube (it sometimes has a religious angle but I try to ignore that if that's not your style).
Everyone screws up in relationships. It doesn't sound like you were abusive? Just that you were naive and didn't have the skills to connect, listen and respond to her needs.
It would be worse if you kept feeling bad and did nothing to change it. So, therapy, stat. And yes, you deserve to get help, to heal, and compassion.
posted by foxjacket at 8:57 PM on May 20 [2 favorites]
Everyone screws up in relationships. It doesn't sound like you were abusive? Just that you were naive and didn't have the skills to connect, listen and respond to her needs.
It would be worse if you kept feeling bad and did nothing to change it. So, therapy, stat. And yes, you deserve to get help, to heal, and compassion.
posted by foxjacket at 8:57 PM on May 20 [2 favorites]
Sometimes, when something really bad happens, we blame ourselves because the alternative, that a large part of what happened was actually not in our control, is kind of scary.
Problem is, after a certain point, the pain of shouldering all the blame hurts more than the comforting illusion that if we'd just tried harder, everything would have been OK. The illusion that every hard and painful thing is avoidable or solveable. The illusion of control.
Chances are very good that your relationship failed because the two of you just weren't compatible. And that there were several huge forces acting on that relationship that weren't in your control, like your partner's personality, life events, etc.
Absolutely, important to recognise your own part in what happened, but try to be much more realistic when identifying which aspects were actually in your control, and which weren't.
A clue to the things that aren't in your control are you telling yourself "why couldn't I just..." and "I should just have..."
Do you habitually predict the worst outcome of an uncertain situation, because you'd rather be prepared for the worst, and surprised by success?
Do you tend to motivate yourself through fear of failure and predictions of [insert worst possible outcome here]?
Like, right now, are you attempting to whip yourself into shape so that you'll find another relationship, because you can't possibly be happy being single, you will [insert dire consequences of being single]?
If so, you've fallen into harmful coping mechanisms, using anxiety and pain to try to find comfort and ease.
Try to be kinder to yourself. Identify what you really can take responsibility for, and try, with compassion and patience, to let the rest go.
posted by Zumbador at 8:58 PM on May 20 [6 favorites]
Problem is, after a certain point, the pain of shouldering all the blame hurts more than the comforting illusion that if we'd just tried harder, everything would have been OK. The illusion that every hard and painful thing is avoidable or solveable. The illusion of control.
Chances are very good that your relationship failed because the two of you just weren't compatible. And that there were several huge forces acting on that relationship that weren't in your control, like your partner's personality, life events, etc.
Absolutely, important to recognise your own part in what happened, but try to be much more realistic when identifying which aspects were actually in your control, and which weren't.
A clue to the things that aren't in your control are you telling yourself "why couldn't I just..." and "I should just have..."
Do you habitually predict the worst outcome of an uncertain situation, because you'd rather be prepared for the worst, and surprised by success?
Do you tend to motivate yourself through fear of failure and predictions of [insert worst possible outcome here]?
Like, right now, are you attempting to whip yourself into shape so that you'll find another relationship, because you can't possibly be happy being single, you will [insert dire consequences of being single]?
If so, you've fallen into harmful coping mechanisms, using anxiety and pain to try to find comfort and ease.
Try to be kinder to yourself. Identify what you really can take responsibility for, and try, with compassion and patience, to let the rest go.
posted by Zumbador at 8:58 PM on May 20 [6 favorites]
naïve
ya don't know what ya don't know. self-compassion is in order.
I didn't know Calc II until I took Calc II...three times. it's how we learn.
my mentor has said, "May we recognize our mistakes as the friends and teachers that they are."
posted by j_curiouser at 9:31 PM on May 20 [7 favorites]
ya don't know what ya don't know. self-compassion is in order.
I didn't know Calc II until I took Calc II...three times. it's how we learn.
my mentor has said, "May we recognize our mistakes as the friends and teachers that they are."
posted by j_curiouser at 9:31 PM on May 20 [7 favorites]
I find it hard to believe it's all your fault. Sounds more like a broken heart and the natural self-esteem abyss that follows a breakup. I'm so sorry. Go easy on yourself. Let the dust settle, and let yourself heal. You're in too much pain to even see straight, it sounds like.
And of course you deserve to heal. How can you bring joy to another person or serve the world in any way if you don't? Some of the most wonderful people I know were awful people to date 20 years ago. By loving and showing kindness to yourself, you'll give yourself the healing and strength and space to learn that will let you become the best version of yourself.
Then later if you want, you can circle back to some of these questions of how much this was really your responsibility. But do it in the context of all your relationships (with friends, etc), not just this one. Some dynamics are really a factor of how two people interact, not the fault of one person. Even if you really loved them, it doesn't mean that areas of mismatch were your fault. If this is really an issue, you'll see it in other relationships.
And when you find those areas of weakness or mistakes, approaching them with self compassion and honesty is the best way to learn. Self criticism and rejecting parts of yourself doesn't really work. It doesn't make the parts of yourself go away. Of course, you can learn not to repeat mistakes, but the best way to do that is by getting to know the part of yourself that made the mistakes.
Plus if your end goal here is authentic relationships, how are you going to be open and deeply connect with someone while you're hating and rejecting yourself -- it doesn't work. It's like inviting your friends over to your house when you're fighting with your SO. Except here it's you fighting with yourself. If you made mistakes with your ex- due to parts of yourself that are wounded, closed off, angry, hidden even from yourself, etc., you'll do so much better if you can befriend those sides of yourself, show them compassion for their pain, try to understand them and include them.
posted by slidell at 11:36 PM on May 20 [1 favorite]
And of course you deserve to heal. How can you bring joy to another person or serve the world in any way if you don't? Some of the most wonderful people I know were awful people to date 20 years ago. By loving and showing kindness to yourself, you'll give yourself the healing and strength and space to learn that will let you become the best version of yourself.
Then later if you want, you can circle back to some of these questions of how much this was really your responsibility. But do it in the context of all your relationships (with friends, etc), not just this one. Some dynamics are really a factor of how two people interact, not the fault of one person. Even if you really loved them, it doesn't mean that areas of mismatch were your fault. If this is really an issue, you'll see it in other relationships.
And when you find those areas of weakness or mistakes, approaching them with self compassion and honesty is the best way to learn. Self criticism and rejecting parts of yourself doesn't really work. It doesn't make the parts of yourself go away. Of course, you can learn not to repeat mistakes, but the best way to do that is by getting to know the part of yourself that made the mistakes.
Plus if your end goal here is authentic relationships, how are you going to be open and deeply connect with someone while you're hating and rejecting yourself -- it doesn't work. It's like inviting your friends over to your house when you're fighting with your SO. Except here it's you fighting with yourself. If you made mistakes with your ex- due to parts of yourself that are wounded, closed off, angry, hidden even from yourself, etc., you'll do so much better if you can befriend those sides of yourself, show them compassion for their pain, try to understand them and include them.
posted by slidell at 11:36 PM on May 20 [1 favorite]
FWIW, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross constructed a model of grieving processes (which this link sagely advises going through at your own pace).
posted by HearHere at 12:50 AM on May 21 [1 favorite]
posted by HearHere at 12:50 AM on May 21 [1 favorite]
Best answer: All the things you're doing to make yourself feel better, to improve your depression, to learn to connect to people--they will benefit you, but they will also benefit the rest of the world. You're making yourself a better, stronger, more empathetic person, and the world will be better for having the best version of you in it. It's not selfish to improve as a person, even if there are benefits to you. It's a gift you're giving the world around you, too.
That's true even of improvements that are about knowing what you want, asking for what you want, and getting rid of the inferiority complex. It feels selfish, but being able to advocate for yourself fairly is actually a gift to others. The better you can take care of yourself interpersonally, the easier it is for other people to interact fairly with you. I want to meet your needs and treat you fairly; the better able you are to communicate your needs and accept that treatment, the better our interactions are going to be.
posted by gideonfrog at 7:31 AM on May 21 [3 favorites]
That's true even of improvements that are about knowing what you want, asking for what you want, and getting rid of the inferiority complex. It feels selfish, but being able to advocate for yourself fairly is actually a gift to others. The better you can take care of yourself interpersonally, the easier it is for other people to interact fairly with you. I want to meet your needs and treat you fairly; the better able you are to communicate your needs and accept that treatment, the better our interactions are going to be.
posted by gideonfrog at 7:31 AM on May 21 [3 favorites]
For myself I have been really working on getting over some of the romantic disappointments that scarred me when I was younger. Rather than ruminating on the past and what went wrong and what I wish I could change about myself I have found it really helpful reading some of the books from psychologist Susan Johnson. She is a pretty well-known relationship counselor and her books have really helped me better understand some of my own behaviors and helped me work on some of the things I can do to make sure I'm not stuck in the cycle of repeating the same cycles over and over again.
One of the things I have been working on is how to take other people's behavior in stride and how to focus more on addressing issues as they arise without feeling like I am permanently damaged or doomed. You are definitely not alone in these feelings! Just knowing that this is such a common human experience was super helpful to me.
posted by forkisbetter at 10:55 AM on May 21 [3 favorites]
One of the things I have been working on is how to take other people's behavior in stride and how to focus more on addressing issues as they arise without feeling like I am permanently damaged or doomed. You are definitely not alone in these feelings! Just knowing that this is such a common human experience was super helpful to me.
posted by forkisbetter at 10:55 AM on May 21 [3 favorites]
Were feelings of worthlessness typical for you before this relationship? When you come out of a relationship feeling much worse about yourself, you may have encountered some head games from your ex. Maybe you totally failed to meet their needs or maybe they made it hard for you to meet their needs by not communicating, expecting mind-reading, changing up what they needed when you started to get close, etc. Probably some of both.
The fact that you’ve got her up on a pedestal is a red flag to me, and it might be worthwhile to do a thought experiment about what if she was the one who was naive and not meeting needs. Does it feel like there’s any truth to that? Where is the idea that she’s so amazing and you’re unworthy coming from anyway?
posted by jeoc at 4:02 PM on May 21 [1 favorite]
The fact that you’ve got her up on a pedestal is a red flag to me, and it might be worthwhile to do a thought experiment about what if she was the one who was naive and not meeting needs. Does it feel like there’s any truth to that? Where is the idea that she’s so amazing and you’re unworthy coming from anyway?
posted by jeoc at 4:02 PM on May 21 [1 favorite]
Agree with the other poster about sue johnson! Also you might find joining a Non Violent Communication (NVC) empathy practice group to be cathartic/rewarding/illuminating! It's about getting in touch with our own feelings and needs and honoring them , * and * you get some hands on practice with having other students in the class/group witness and hear your feelings and needs .. I dont know if I'm doing it justice, but its pretty transformative i have found, and it will help dispell the myth/shame of unworthy. The way it is relational and structured really goes a distamce toward creating a safe space to see the worthyneas stuff more clearly and also makes it less specific feeling to ourselves - we realize many people (most?) Struggle with things like this and that somehow disarms it. I suppose also ACoA support groups, if that resonates or applies, might be another resource.
The thing with shame is that if we get stuck in it too much it keeps us From being present and hearing and witnessing our loved ones, their needs and requests , their actions, etc as they actually are, rather than through the veil of our fears and projected insecurities. This is just a guess bc we dont have a ton to go on from a few paragraph post and not really knowing you here, but say for the sake of argument that even if you feel stuck in the place of only being able to care for her and not yourself .. well.. if every time she speaks up about something she needs / makes a request (assuming you want to hear them and theres no abuse dynamics going on), if you're in a spiral of im-so-bad-how-could-i-have-not-known-dont-you-see-im-doing-my-best etc, well, one can end up pretty defensive (self protectively, understandably..) or disregulated and thus unable to actually hear the request let alone take the steps needed to meet it. If imperfection is not an option, which kinda serms to come into shamey feelings sometimes , subconsciously, how can we take any steps or actions at all?
Feel free to toss all this if it doesnt jive w where you're at, please, or all that's happened.. just writing on a bunch. Truly the idea of nvc is that none of us were taught how to communicate very well, and many of us did not get to experience having our own needs and feelings acknowledged much growing up.. so theres a lot of healing and learning to do but the very good news is that everyone else is learning too. I dont know where things stand with your ex .. but i sure wish you the best. We live in a culture not very comfortable with practicing concious repair of , or believing in, repair after ruptures in relationship.. it takes practice and bravery, bc so often people/we slink of into the night protectively. Online dating culture and the way we live demographically now isnt much of a help .. some of this is also not you but the water were swimming in. The incentive to stay and repair be it in friendship dating etc is different than it was in the past (ester perell talls about this a lot in her podcast..) We have to be the change a little, have some wild hope in spite of everything (poetry helps with that) ..i dont know.. Just my two cents.
Ps you might also check out authors pete walker and peter levine, if you havent already. Also there is a showtime show on amazon called couples therapy which is really something , again maybe normalizing to see how much others struggle with this!
Its definitely hard work, not wizardry or fairytales, apparently. Hope it helps ✨ sorry for typos !
posted by elgee at 10:40 PM on May 21 [2 favorites]
The thing with shame is that if we get stuck in it too much it keeps us From being present and hearing and witnessing our loved ones, their needs and requests , their actions, etc as they actually are, rather than through the veil of our fears and projected insecurities. This is just a guess bc we dont have a ton to go on from a few paragraph post and not really knowing you here, but say for the sake of argument that even if you feel stuck in the place of only being able to care for her and not yourself .. well.. if every time she speaks up about something she needs / makes a request (assuming you want to hear them and theres no abuse dynamics going on), if you're in a spiral of im-so-bad-how-could-i-have-not-known-dont-you-see-im-doing-my-best etc, well, one can end up pretty defensive (self protectively, understandably..) or disregulated and thus unable to actually hear the request let alone take the steps needed to meet it. If imperfection is not an option, which kinda serms to come into shamey feelings sometimes , subconsciously, how can we take any steps or actions at all?
Feel free to toss all this if it doesnt jive w where you're at, please, or all that's happened.. just writing on a bunch. Truly the idea of nvc is that none of us were taught how to communicate very well, and many of us did not get to experience having our own needs and feelings acknowledged much growing up.. so theres a lot of healing and learning to do but the very good news is that everyone else is learning too. I dont know where things stand with your ex .. but i sure wish you the best. We live in a culture not very comfortable with practicing concious repair of , or believing in, repair after ruptures in relationship.. it takes practice and bravery, bc so often people/we slink of into the night protectively. Online dating culture and the way we live demographically now isnt much of a help .. some of this is also not you but the water were swimming in. The incentive to stay and repair be it in friendship dating etc is different than it was in the past (ester perell talls about this a lot in her podcast..) We have to be the change a little, have some wild hope in spite of everything (poetry helps with that) ..i dont know.. Just my two cents.
Ps you might also check out authors pete walker and peter levine, if you havent already. Also there is a showtime show on amazon called couples therapy which is really something , again maybe normalizing to see how much others struggle with this!
Its definitely hard work, not wizardry or fairytales, apparently. Hope it helps ✨ sorry for typos !
posted by elgee at 10:40 PM on May 21 [2 favorites]
P.P.S was editing to add this but i ran out of time.. one more last last thing to google lol.. internal family systems (IFS) could help , particularly with seeing yourself as many things, which helps with being able to be kinder to and not so over identified with whichever parts you might feel frustrated with.. we are all many things all we can do is try ..
posted by elgee at 10:47 PM on May 21 [2 favorites]
posted by elgee at 10:47 PM on May 21 [2 favorites]
One thing I'd emphasize to what's already been written (and I haven't read it all but it's something I've learned in the recent past and is valuable to hear again and again):
The struggles we have with relationships were instilled in us through relationships (i.e. by how you were with your parents, siblings, teachers, friends, partners, culture at large) and equally the way you'll improve on those struggles will also be through relationships (the ones you have now and the ones you have in the future). I get your commitment to staying single for a while, and there's real value in listening to the feelings thatmake you want to recede, recover, rest, and rebuild. You're aware of these struggles now, though, and so you can be on the lookout for when and how they emerge from now on. When they emerge, you can be honest about them! Communication is a big part of how these struggles get acknowledged and addressed in relationships (and also how incompatibilities or decision points can come up in constructive ways that minimize hurt). It's often observed that the first step toward exiting a loop or a habit is to recognize the signs that you're engaged in it. That can be so, so much harder than it sounds. Relational skills are so deeply ingrained in most of uss that it's easy to assume they're only ever automatic... they can be, but they don't have to be. This is a lot of what therapy is about: you learning how to recognize things about yourself that might otherwise be hidden from view by feeling like routines or habits or innate, unchangeable responses.
Hang in there.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:34 AM on May 22 [1 favorite]
The struggles we have with relationships were instilled in us through relationships (i.e. by how you were with your parents, siblings, teachers, friends, partners, culture at large) and equally the way you'll improve on those struggles will also be through relationships (the ones you have now and the ones you have in the future). I get your commitment to staying single for a while, and there's real value in listening to the feelings thatmake you want to recede, recover, rest, and rebuild. You're aware of these struggles now, though, and so you can be on the lookout for when and how they emerge from now on. When they emerge, you can be honest about them! Communication is a big part of how these struggles get acknowledged and addressed in relationships (and also how incompatibilities or decision points can come up in constructive ways that minimize hurt). It's often observed that the first step toward exiting a loop or a habit is to recognize the signs that you're engaged in it. That can be so, so much harder than it sounds. Relational skills are so deeply ingrained in most of uss that it's easy to assume they're only ever automatic... they can be, but they don't have to be. This is a lot of what therapy is about: you learning how to recognize things about yourself that might otherwise be hidden from view by feeling like routines or habits or innate, unchangeable responses.
Hang in there.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:34 AM on May 22 [1 favorite]
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