(Now ex) boyfriend was turned off by my mental health issues
October 18, 2022 11:08 PM Subscribe
I was dating a guy for years who got turned off by my severe mental health issues and refused to be intimate because of that, but was not willing to break up.
I’m afraid of that repeating sharing too much in new relationship.
(TW) I had a situation in my rather recent past that i am quite baffeled by.
Some time ago i was dating a guy on/off for a few years and almost 3 years ago i was in a terrible shape, i was severely depressed, bad situation at work, financial issues, lack of friends, living in a foreign country...and dealing with the guy's immaturity, stonewalling, past infidelity as well as my own PTSD. All of this pushed me to an edge one day and i unsuccessfully tried to overdose myself.
After that, my guy became...well, different. Even more dismissive although he was visiting therapist…he was physically affectionate in terms of cuddles and kisses but that’s all. He still wanted to be with me but he has lost the entire sex drive towards me. He kept making excuses and gaslighting me how nothing is wrong, everything is as it always was, he is just tired, stressed etc, I am imagining things and refused to talk about it after me clearly stating I was unhappy; he would sometimes do it to have »peace« but after a bit more than a year, we stopped being sexual completely. It was 7 months of dry spell and i gave up, i even tried to persuade myself that the concept of sex is overrated and I dont need it anymore (I am 31). Ultimately, 2 years later after my attempt, he admitted that he was so turned off by me trying to hurt myself that he could not see it anymore. His claim was that he became so sad about the thought of using me and it was selfish and irresponsible of me to consider such thing...and that he can no longer feel comfortable with me because he never knew if i will be gone the next day. He also did not feel too hot because he knew I did not trust him (well, he cheated on me so there is that). And he mentioned that if he broke up with me, I’d maybe kill myself and he’d have to live with it. Let me point out that i never made any such threats and i suffered as silently as possible. But even after i said it’s fine to break up, he didn’t want to because he “loved me”.
I guess I kinda understand him being turned off, I just wish he would not bull me and let me go in time.
I...felt guilty. Because I feel like I am not supposed to be open about my mental health in order not to ruin the entire relationship by turning a guy off. Right now I am in what i consider very good relationship; my new boyfriend is a good listener, respectful, reasonable and loving. Yet that fear of opening up is always there, I keep thinking what will happen if one day I reveal too much. I swallowed a bullet and told him roughly that what went down with me in the past and how I struggled with mental health, terrible past, relationships and that i tried to overdose myself. He approached it with understanding and said »it is okay not to always be okay. I am here if you want to talk and you will never be less attractive to me«. It gave me comfort and I’m generally struggling a lot less with him but I’m still concerned one day i can start getting worse and this can happen, i will suddenly turn a guy off with my insecurities. I have a great feeling about the new boyfriend and feel like i can talk to him about anything, I’m really happy and secure for the first time ever, it’s just…i spent a lot of time being lied to and it leaves a mark i guess.
I am working on them by reading a lot and sadly i haven’t found a suitable therapist so far plus i can’t afford it right now.
How do you view such situation and when is sharing your feelings considered as too much?
(TW) I had a situation in my rather recent past that i am quite baffeled by.
Some time ago i was dating a guy on/off for a few years and almost 3 years ago i was in a terrible shape, i was severely depressed, bad situation at work, financial issues, lack of friends, living in a foreign country...and dealing with the guy's immaturity, stonewalling, past infidelity as well as my own PTSD. All of this pushed me to an edge one day and i unsuccessfully tried to overdose myself.
After that, my guy became...well, different. Even more dismissive although he was visiting therapist…he was physically affectionate in terms of cuddles and kisses but that’s all. He still wanted to be with me but he has lost the entire sex drive towards me. He kept making excuses and gaslighting me how nothing is wrong, everything is as it always was, he is just tired, stressed etc, I am imagining things and refused to talk about it after me clearly stating I was unhappy; he would sometimes do it to have »peace« but after a bit more than a year, we stopped being sexual completely. It was 7 months of dry spell and i gave up, i even tried to persuade myself that the concept of sex is overrated and I dont need it anymore (I am 31). Ultimately, 2 years later after my attempt, he admitted that he was so turned off by me trying to hurt myself that he could not see it anymore. His claim was that he became so sad about the thought of using me and it was selfish and irresponsible of me to consider such thing...and that he can no longer feel comfortable with me because he never knew if i will be gone the next day. He also did not feel too hot because he knew I did not trust him (well, he cheated on me so there is that). And he mentioned that if he broke up with me, I’d maybe kill myself and he’d have to live with it. Let me point out that i never made any such threats and i suffered as silently as possible. But even after i said it’s fine to break up, he didn’t want to because he “loved me”.
I guess I kinda understand him being turned off, I just wish he would not bull me and let me go in time.
I...felt guilty. Because I feel like I am not supposed to be open about my mental health in order not to ruin the entire relationship by turning a guy off. Right now I am in what i consider very good relationship; my new boyfriend is a good listener, respectful, reasonable and loving. Yet that fear of opening up is always there, I keep thinking what will happen if one day I reveal too much. I swallowed a bullet and told him roughly that what went down with me in the past and how I struggled with mental health, terrible past, relationships and that i tried to overdose myself. He approached it with understanding and said »it is okay not to always be okay. I am here if you want to talk and you will never be less attractive to me«. It gave me comfort and I’m generally struggling a lot less with him but I’m still concerned one day i can start getting worse and this can happen, i will suddenly turn a guy off with my insecurities. I have a great feeling about the new boyfriend and feel like i can talk to him about anything, I’m really happy and secure for the first time ever, it’s just…i spent a lot of time being lied to and it leaves a mark i guess.
I am working on them by reading a lot and sadly i haven’t found a suitable therapist so far plus i can’t afford it right now.
How do you view such situation and when is sharing your feelings considered as too much?
Response by poster: I completely understand, although I may have forgotten to mention that I by no means considered him as my only source of support, I was by no means anxiously attached as it might sound. While I was severely lacking the IRL connections, especially with covid and all, I did not used him as the responsible person to help me resolve my issues (and I had a therapist at the time for half a year, however I do not think she completely understood me). He was by no means my caretaker, we did not live together and we saw each other rarely due to opposing work schedules. Basically his lying and cheating made my mental health worse, especially as he initally said i deserved it and did not regret it... and he thought it was not sexy to see me cry and and on the edge. I understand, it is not. But even when I was not actively crying, he was repulsed - without admitting it. Maybe I am unreasonable, but I would at least try to work it together.
Nowadays I have IRL friends as well and I feel much overall although the struggles are not forgotten. I am however concerned it would repeat itself and do not know to what extent to reveal my struggles if/when there are any in order to not nuke a good relationship. Thanks a lot for your input, it makes a lot of sense! :)
posted by Salicornia at 1:53 AM on October 19, 2022 [1 favorite]
Nowadays I have IRL friends as well and I feel much overall although the struggles are not forgotten. I am however concerned it would repeat itself and do not know to what extent to reveal my struggles if/when there are any in order to not nuke a good relationship. Thanks a lot for your input, it makes a lot of sense! :)
posted by Salicornia at 1:53 AM on October 19, 2022 [1 favorite]
So, to me it looks like the mistake you made in your previous relationship was not that you failed to conceal your mental health issues, it was that you stayed with this guy who was a terrible boyfriend! Silent suffering did not work for you in your previous relationship. Try to avoid doing it in your current relationship (and any future ones). If you're not happy with the relationship, don't rationalize that you don't actually even like sex all that much (or whatever), ask for what you want/need (maybe in a couples' therapy situation if that's available to you) and if you can't get it, leave.
I know this is all MUCH easier said than done - like a lot of mental health/relationship stuff it's *simple* but it's not *easy*. I hope someone else will suggest some books/workbooks/support groups that might help you with your attachment issues.
posted by mskyle at 5:22 AM on October 19, 2022 [19 favorites]
I know this is all MUCH easier said than done - like a lot of mental health/relationship stuff it's *simple* but it's not *easy*. I hope someone else will suggest some books/workbooks/support groups that might help you with your attachment issues.
posted by mskyle at 5:22 AM on October 19, 2022 [19 favorites]
I am however concerned it would repeat itself and do not know to what extent to reveal my struggles if/when there are any in order to not nuke a good relationship.
I think most people start out looking at things this way, but it's backwards. You have to simply be yourself and reveal yourself. How you find out whether your relationship is "good" is whether it has space for you to be most honestly yourself. You can't game out how to change yourself so that you won't lose a relationship. You have to approach the relationship as a thing you are willing to lose if that is for the best.
Many wonderful relationships have a hard time surviving a trauma like the loss of a child, or (as you've seen) a suicide attempt. Traumas happen, we cannot always prevent them. For your own sake and safety, you should prioritize your mental health and try to protect yourself from any future suicidal ideation or action! This is also a benefit to the relationship, but that isn't the point. And if a relationship can't make space for your illness at all, then it was never good.
In short: reveal all the struggles you feel like revealing. The relationship will survive them if it's a good one, and won't if it's a bad one. PS your last relationship was a terrible one, with a total fuckhead, and I wish that he will be vaguely itchy forever.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 6:54 AM on October 19, 2022 [11 favorites]
I think most people start out looking at things this way, but it's backwards. You have to simply be yourself and reveal yourself. How you find out whether your relationship is "good" is whether it has space for you to be most honestly yourself. You can't game out how to change yourself so that you won't lose a relationship. You have to approach the relationship as a thing you are willing to lose if that is for the best.
Many wonderful relationships have a hard time surviving a trauma like the loss of a child, or (as you've seen) a suicide attempt. Traumas happen, we cannot always prevent them. For your own sake and safety, you should prioritize your mental health and try to protect yourself from any future suicidal ideation or action! This is also a benefit to the relationship, but that isn't the point. And if a relationship can't make space for your illness at all, then it was never good.
In short: reveal all the struggles you feel like revealing. The relationship will survive them if it's a good one, and won't if it's a bad one. PS your last relationship was a terrible one, with a total fuckhead, and I wish that he will be vaguely itchy forever.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 6:54 AM on October 19, 2022 [11 favorites]
It sounds like your ex-boyfriend didn't have the experience and/or emotional maturity to be in a relationship with you. Fair enough, but his flailing around has left a mark.
The problem is that when dealing with someone who has poor boundaries just about *any* personal revelation can suddenly be a deal breaker. Philosophy, spirituality, political beliefs -- if someone doesn't know how to let you be you and them be them then some splinter is going to wedge its way down and break the two of you apart. Having that splinter be around mental health makes things more complicated, but at heart the issue was that he wasn't able to separate himself enough for the two of you to be together.
The new guy appears to have his shit together in that regard. In my view you were defeated, you learned, and you did better. You have already moved dramatically to prevent the situation from repeating itself, and while it is natural to have some lingering fear you have set yourself up for success.
Experience is the absolute worst teacher -- you only learn the lesson immediately after you need it. But learning it is important and from what you've written it sounds like you have.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:56 AM on October 19, 2022 [5 favorites]
The problem is that when dealing with someone who has poor boundaries just about *any* personal revelation can suddenly be a deal breaker. Philosophy, spirituality, political beliefs -- if someone doesn't know how to let you be you and them be them then some splinter is going to wedge its way down and break the two of you apart. Having that splinter be around mental health makes things more complicated, but at heart the issue was that he wasn't able to separate himself enough for the two of you to be together.
The new guy appears to have his shit together in that regard. In my view you were defeated, you learned, and you did better. You have already moved dramatically to prevent the situation from repeating itself, and while it is natural to have some lingering fear you have set yourself up for success.
Experience is the absolute worst teacher -- you only learn the lesson immediately after you need it. But learning it is important and from what you've written it sounds like you have.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:56 AM on October 19, 2022 [5 favorites]
Yeah, it sounds like your previous relationship wasn't very good before your suicide attempt, so I wouldn't dwell too much on how that specific boyfriend reacted to your mental health difficulties. Like mskyle put it, the lesson here is that if a relationship makes you unhappy, it's not worth spending years of your life trying to fix it. Avoid having a scarcity mindset when it comes to relationships.
Have you told other people in your life about your suicide attempt? What about your regular doctor? I ask, because you mention twice being worried about the possibility of "getting worse" or of a "repeat." If you sense your mental health is fragile right now, it would be worth mentioning this to your doctor - they should be able to help you navigate what services/options are available in your country. Good luck.
posted by coffeecat at 8:22 AM on October 19, 2022
Have you told other people in your life about your suicide attempt? What about your regular doctor? I ask, because you mention twice being worried about the possibility of "getting worse" or of a "repeat." If you sense your mental health is fragile right now, it would be worth mentioning this to your doctor - they should be able to help you navigate what services/options are available in your country. Good luck.
posted by coffeecat at 8:22 AM on October 19, 2022
There's no rules really, what's too much sharing for one person would be not enough for someone else. Slowly and consciously building trust especially in areas you've been burned before is wise. Eventually it might be worth bringing up this experience to the new partner and your fear of it happening again (once that trust is built). If you're worried before this point, pay attention to how he reacts to other mental health related topics that arise (not related to you - but friends, current events, etc.) Is it with compassion?
In general if you're managing your mental health proactively, it should not be a turn-off to most people. Tons of people date with mental health struggles (myself & almost all previous partners included), it's very normal, and just another challenge within relationships of which there are zillions of others.
posted by internet of pillows at 11:59 AM on October 20, 2022
In general if you're managing your mental health proactively, it should not be a turn-off to most people. Tons of people date with mental health struggles (myself & almost all previous partners included), it's very normal, and just another challenge within relationships of which there are zillions of others.
posted by internet of pillows at 11:59 AM on October 20, 2022
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Of course you should feel free to express yourself, I’m not saying not to. To trust someone you’ve got to be able to feel vulnerable and open with them. Share your feelings, for sure. But also try to build a network of support that includes people with the experience to be helpful when times get rough.
posted by cotton dress sock at 1:37 AM on October 19, 2022 [2 favorites]