Stopping unwanted contact from ex

March 3, 2024 5:23 PM

My college ex-boyfriend continues to reach out every few years since we broke up. It's going on 15 years now. I don't want any contact with him and have remained silent. I want him to leave me alone. I am looking for suggestions to help stop the communication.

For almost 15 years my college ex-boyfriend has reached out every few years and attempted to make contact. I have ignored phone calls, letters, and emails. Our relationship did not end well, I do not recall him with any fondness, and I do not want to engage at all. He certainly knows our relationship did not end well and has no reason to contact me as if we are old friends.

I thought that ignoring him would stop the outreach but he continues to contact me and I recently received a message, the first since 2020. His messages are always something like "How are things? I'd like to talk to you" or "It's been a long time, we should talk." Last I knew, he lived across the country so thankfully, I never see him. I believe he is married.

I am not fearful, I just don't want to hear from him. I have never responded to actually say "do not contact me " but have just ignored him. I worry that if I respond at all, he will feel empowered to continue the outreach. Something I recall about him is that he could be arrogant and liked to ruffle my feathers. I don't want to open the door one bit to him.

If anyone else has dealt with this, I wonder if you were able to stop the contact by responding "do not ever contact me again" or just continuing to stay silent. Since it has been 15 years, I am starting to worry the silent treatment is not working and this will go on forever. But silent is my preference.
To reiterate, I have no fear of him. He has never been a threat of any kind and I am not worried about stalking etc.
Thank you.

posted by fies to Human Relations (30 answers total)

No. You're doing the right thing by ignoring it. Responding may invite more contact. Can you block the calls, write return to sender on the letters and route the emails to spam? Do that.
posted by shadygrove at 5:27 PM on March 3 [35 favorites]

Any response is reinforcement. I know how unpleasant it is (like probably half the women on here, I have a similar issue), but the only thing to do is ignore and block.
posted by praemunire at 5:28 PM on March 3 [21 favorites]

If I understand you you just don’t want to get these messages. Block him on all the methods he uses to contact you - be it social media or phone number or email. He can message all he wants, you don’t have to receive the messages.
posted by koahiatamadl at 5:28 PM on March 3 [8 favorites]

I would send 1 firm letter stating I do not want to have any communication with you. No more letters, emails, phone calls. Just stop. If you hear from him again, contact a domestic violence organization; they'll have some lawyers who will send a cease & desist letter on lawyer letterhead. Or, jump straight to lawyer letter. Block any email, block his phone, return mail as refused.
posted by theora55 at 5:49 PM on March 3

I have seen situations in which blocking outright actually continues the issue if the other person doesn't know that contact is unwanted. They could continue to reach out, thinking that your email address has changed, that messages might have gone missing, etc.

Especially if you have no fear of him, or fear of stalking, I think you should send a polite but firm email. Get a friend to send it on your behalf. Something like:

"Hello X. This is Y, a friend of fies. Fies wanted me to pass along a message: They do not want any form of communication with you going forward into the future. They appreciate your understanding, and wish you well. Best, Y"

This makes it so that 1) the message is clear 2) there's a seriousness in involving a third party 3) it's not a harsh message, so less likely to induce a harsh response 4) It doesn't validate your email address to them, and 5) you're not directly exposed to communication from them.
posted by many more sunsets at 5:55 PM on March 3 [7 favorites]

You don't have to be dramatic about it. Just block him on any and all electronic channels, return letters with NOT AT THIS ADDRESS.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 6:14 PM on March 3 [15 favorites]

The only thing that got someone who persisted in trying to contact me after I told him to stop and ignored him for months was getting a mutual male friend to tell him to lay off. I am extremely annoyed that it took that.
posted by lepus at 6:18 PM on March 3 [5 favorites]

Any contact from you (or a friend or agency responding on your behalf) will only "reset the clock" and encourage more contact. Do not, DO NOT respond in any way. Block, ignore, return to sender, etc. is the right approach. Get yourself a copy of The Gift of Fear by Gavin Debecker (it's mentioned a lot in AskMeFi for good reason; it's brilliant. (Even though you're not afraid of this guy the book is still relevant).
posted by mezzanayne at 7:10 PM on March 3 [17 favorites]

I have a small suspicion that ex bf has figured out that at least some of what he did was shitty. The pattern of extremely infrequent but ongoing contact attempts feels familiar. It continues while he has plausible reason to believe that you might not have received the contact yet. (It might not stop after that either, it depends if he's grown enough to take no as an answer.)

If you do decide to tell him to stop (or get a friend to), I suggest including "even if it's to apologise" in the message. Don't list all the contact methods he's used, because that confirms they got through for if he continues to keep trying afterwards.

Good luck
posted by dragon garlanding at 8:40 PM on March 3 [9 favorites]

I recently received a message, the first since 2020

Don't count that as a failure. Count every single one of the 1500 days before that message arrived - 1500 days on which you didn't find yourself needing to deal with his shit - as a success.

Was that 1500 streak actually a personal best? In any case, what you've been doing is clearly working. Here's to tens of thousands more future successes.
posted by flabdablet at 2:47 AM on March 4 [21 favorites]

From your description this doesn’t sound particularly like stalking or even someone trying to force their company on you. It sounds like he’s reaching out, possibly to try to make amends or because he’s simply forgotten how shitty it all was.

I would send a polite note thanking him for reaching out but letting him know that you’ve moved on from that part of your life and do not want to revisit it, and to please not contact you again.

There were two women in college that I ended things badly with and as I’ve matured — partly due to those incidents themselves — I’ve realized that an apology was in order. One I ran into for the first time fifteen years later at a mutual friend’s wedding, asked her if I could talk to her for a minute, apologized, and that was it. Haven’t seen her since. The other remains a fond acquaintance but we’re geographically separated. One day when I’m in the area I’ll ask her to lunch to catch up and as we’re paying the check I’ll take a minute to say what’s on my mind.

As you can tell from my lackadaisical approach the apologies are not for their benefit. The things that happened were the sort of immature things that happen at that age and I’m sure they’ve long since moved on. But I feel guilty and I feel the need to apologize in order to help resolve my own shame about my actions.

If I reached out to either of them and got a note asking me to cease contact, I would think that was totally reasonable and end trying to contact them. Otherwise I might try every few years to see if they were at a point that they were willing to make contact. People change and my wish to make amends for my immature behavior would result in my reaching out every once in a while.

YMMV of course, but not everyone who reaches out is a stalker. Sometimes they just have unfinished business of their own and will respect that you don’t want to be part of it.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:25 AM on March 4 [5 favorites]

I'd do exactly what you're doing; just ignore, send the messages straight to the trash. Block if you want to.

Yes, I did have such an ex in my life myself. The first couple of times, many years ago, I did specifically say "hey, I wish you well but I don't want to be in touch, please don't contact me again." When he didn't stop, I moved on to "block and ignore." (Eventually, just through the natural process of moving around and getting new contact information, I'm pretty sure he simply lost any way he had to get in touch with me. So I'm quite happy never hearing from him anymore but I don't think it was anything I did other than just living my life.)
posted by Stacey at 6:22 AM on March 4 [1 favorite]

From your description this doesn’t sound particularly like stalking or even someone trying to force their company on you. It sounds like he’s reaching out, possibly to try to make amends or because he’s simply forgotten how shitty it all was.
The why does not matter. You don’t want this contact, therefore his motivations do not make one iota of difference. It doesn’t matter if he’s not being scary, it is not important if he wants to apologize, the fact is that the contact is unwelcome. Block him, have someone else write “return to sender” on any envelopes in case he recognizes your writing, and do not contact him.
posted by corey flood at 7:00 AM on March 4 [7 favorites]

You have no reason to believe he's trying to stalk you. So I'd respond with one email or text: "Please stop contacting me. I am not interested in any further contact with you." Give him that information then block him.

If you've never told him that you don't want to talk to him again, I think that will help. You know (and remember) that the relationship ended poorly, but sometimes people don't see things the same way, and what may be obvious to you may have been lost to history and rose-colored nostalgia glasses.

I believe that if you just block without any explanation, he may just think that you've changed addresses, and he'll continue to try occasionally.
posted by hydra77 at 7:33 AM on March 4 [1 favorite]

I don't think there's a perfect way or one right answer to handle unwanted contact, but in this situation I would recommend blocking and not responding. Your lack of response isn't unclear, you have no obligation to reach out and clarify, and the reaction to such a response is pretty easy to envision as an escalation of unwanted contact. If you don't want to block, don't, but understand it leaves you open to these periodic jolts and discomforts. You sound pretty clear in your own mind that the contact has nothing to do with who you are now or with your life as you have made it in the intervening years, so perhaps faint pity and moving on with your day is an achievable reaction.

I'm not discounting the strength of other commenters' recommendations, either. I've never been stalked so I don't have the really strong gut sense of the threat of it, but I've certainly heard enough folks lay out the pattern that I respect their knowledge. If you experience this contact as a threat, treat it as a threat and proceed accordingly.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 8:00 AM on March 4 [2 favorites]

My husband was stalked for a very long time. He wrote a blog post about it that got some good traction well over a decade ago.

Essentially, do not push the button. Even the robot means you no harm, you will have given it attention if you say, "Hey, wacky robot, I really don't want to talk to you."
posted by Kitteh at 8:23 AM on March 4 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: As I stated in my original post multiple times, I have no concerns about stalking. This is simply unwanted contact that I would like to stop. It does not have to rise the level of stalking to be a nuisance. Also, he gave his apologies 15 years ago. There are no amends needed.

The bulk of the comments are helpful for reinforcing my feelings about staying silent. The more I think about it, the more I think he is just pushing, rather than being uncertain about if he has reached me. Particularly since he has contacted me through my work email.

flabdablet and Stacey's comment particularly resonate. I am just frustrated because I thought his outreach had come to an end. We're looking at middle age and it makes no sense for this to carry on. But perhaps this will be it, or at least for long while. Thanks.
posted by fies at 8:49 AM on March 4 [4 favorites]

I thought his outreach had come to an end

And I thought I'd given up stepping in dogshit.

These things are a nuisance when they happen, but really, they don't happen often enough to be worth worrying about. Very occasionally I need to deploy the scrubbing brush and Dettol; very occasionally you need to do the same thing, metaphorically speaking, to your phone or inbox.

C'est la vie. I have no intention of giving up my barefoot lifestyle and, metaphorically speaking, neither should you.
posted by flabdablet at 9:13 AM on March 4

I have an ex from 25 years ago that tries to Facebook friend me every few years and I agree that silence is the best way to handle it. Any engagement at all just opens the door...so keep the door closed and block as needed.
posted by victoriab at 9:45 AM on March 4 [2 favorites]

I have a friend who at some point stopped responding to any messages from me. For a few years, I would reach out occasionally--to say happy birthday, to mention I'd be in town and ask if they'd like to meet up, etc. And then I took the hint. I realized I don't get to know why they don't want contact anymore, but I definitely have enough data to conclude they don't want contact. It's unsatisfying and sad--and I have loved ones who can help me process that sadness. I don't like how my former friend chose to end contact with me, but that doesn't give me a pass to ignore their clear wishes. I'm sharing this to say: even if you could have been clearer, more specific, or somehow kinder, that's ok--you don't owe your ex one final, "Please don't contact me again," and moreover, I don't think it would be effective. He has all the information he needs to understand you don't welcome his messages, and he's ignoring it.

Imagine he tells a friend, "I'm really sad, this person I dated in college didn't respond to my message." The friend is going to say, "That's tough, I'm sorry." And then your ex says, "Yeah, I reach out every few years and they never respond. I just want to talk!" If the friend is a reasonably emotionally mature person, they're going to say, "Hold up--you contact this person every few years, they never respond, and you're still trying to contact them? My friend, you gotta stop that. Ignoring you is a response. They don't want you to contact them."
posted by theotherdurassister at 9:52 AM on March 4 [10 favorites]

Nthing that contact by you or anyone else is not something you want to do. Block all relevant phone numbers, email accounts and social media accounts. If messages/emails are sent from any other accounts, delete and block those as well. Then get a stamp that says "Return to Sender - Recipient not at the address" and use that on any physical email you might receive (this is also useful for all kinds of unwanted mail). Worst case scenario you have to block a new account or return a letter every three years or so. That's an annoyance, I'm sure, but so long as you're not worried about potential stalking, probably no worse than any number of other annoyances you have to deal with in your daily life. Meanwhile, escalating to anything more aggressive (e.g., making or implying threats) may have unforeseen negative consequences for you.

Possible he remembers your relationship with more fondness than you do. Or maybe he wants to make amends for something. Or, and I wouldn't be surprised if this were the case, when he feels down or lonely for whatever reason, he sometimes reaches out to his exes. A desire to nostalgia-call in these circumstances is unfortunately common. But you don't have to care. At all. You're not responsible for any of that and you don't owe anything to anyone. Block thoroughly and move on.
posted by slkinsey at 10:04 AM on March 4

You could try flipping this in your head a little bit. Expanding on flabdablet's excellent point, that all the days he doesn't write are successes, the periodic messages from him, ignored, are little "wins," too. Extremely little, but definitely wins.

Every time he writes, he proves that he is still desirous of a response from you. Every time you ignore him, you thwart that desire. Maybe he thinks you haven't seen any of these messages from him. Maybe he suspects the e-mail address he has for you is defunct. Perhaps he speculates that all of his messages have disappeared in the spam abyss. Maybe he thinks you've died or moved to another country. He is probably pretty sure you're just ignoring him, but he can't ever be entirely sure, and the fact that he keeps writing means that he remains curious.

Whatever he types in the messages is immaterial. This is what each of them, when you ignore them, actually means:
He is curious about you. You are not curious about him. He wants something from you. You do not want anything from him. He is needy. You are not. He is stuck in the past. You are free.
posted by Don Pepino at 10:22 AM on March 4 [8 favorites]

I would not block - that is still a response and would potentially raise new issues for him (WHY HAS SHE BLOCKED ME).

Muting, filtering to trash, auto-deleting, that's all fine. You don't need to see these. But techniques where he can see you have taken some kind of action or response might be arousing.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 11:58 AM on March 4 [6 favorites]

I've experienced similar things in the past (almost invariably from men). I know most people suggest complete no-contact and I think that's wise if this is an actual stalking situation and there's any fear of escalation. But if there isn't, I don't think there's anything wrong with sending a very decisively-worded message saying that you are not interested in any contact and would like to be left alone. Just not answering may have created some fantasy in his head that you just haven't seen his messages and I don't think he'll stop sending them.

I sent something similar to an ex who just kept popping back up (I think it's almost an ego thing--they want to know that they still claim some mental real estate?) and it completely extinguished all contact. But this only applies if you're not fearful of escalation. From the way you describe your ex's contacts, it sounds like he has a different memory of the relationship than you do and doesn't realize how completely done you are with it and this might be a wake-up call.
posted by lizard2590 at 12:20 PM on March 4 [1 favorite]

I'm also leaning in favor of the idea of responding by saying explicitly that you don't want to be in contact. I think it could potentially be a good thing for you too, so then you'd know if he was explicitly ignoring a stated boundary or if he had just been clueless.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:22 PM on March 4 [1 favorite]

One thing you can try is to reframe your own feelings about the contact to contemptuous pity. instead of annoyance. Since you can't stop him from doing it, and since you know he likes to ruffle your feathers working on changing your mood when he does contact you to snickering at what a loser he is. "Omg, this poor idiot is STILL stuck trying to hang onto that time... like he hasn't figure out it was such a waste, he screwed up and I'll never feel anything for him but distaste?"

Alternatively if enough years have passed and if the relationship was of short duration, you could contact him and ask him who he is. That might work very well to shut him down, if you then say, "Oh THAT'S who you are. I had forgotten your name," and then never respond again he is likely to feel hurt and embarrassed enough to not want to risk contacting you again.
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:11 AM on March 5 [1 favorite]

Every few years he gets lonely, remorseful, horny or a combo of all 3, none of which are your problem anymore. Agree with ignoring and not rising to the bait.
posted by jello at 10:57 AM on March 5 [2 favorites]

Reconsidering my above comment. Not lonely or remorseful, just needs to get the last word on the record in case you have told people about his behavior and it was bad enough that he is a little concerned about it being out there.
posted by jello at 11:06 AM on March 5

Response by poster: Just wanted to respond to jello's comment. I have never spoken ill of him, ever. We were together for nearly four years and when we broke up I simply told people we thought it best since we were heading to different states. Our social circles never overlapped much and I doubt we even have any current contacts in common.
posted by fies at 6:42 PM on March 5

I had an ex who did this though it was for several months on and off in the six months or so after we broke up. I eventually responded and said "This is the last message I'm sending you before I block you. I don't want to meet up or communicate. Please stop contacting me." And that worked to get him to stop (though he was also blocked on all known communication channels between us at that point anyway).
posted by knownfossils at 7:37 AM on March 6 [1 favorite]