Help me make eye contact
April 3, 2018 3:15 PM Subscribe
I don't like making eye contact but it is getting worse. Ideas?
I don't like making eye contact. Chalk it up to anxiety or something. If pressed to consider why, I get a sense of embarrassment about people looking at me.
I used to be okay at making eye contact but it has gotten worse in recent years. I absolutely attribute this to being a professor. I spend hours a day um-fixating my eyes to talk to a large group. I swear this has trained my brain to feel like this is normal.
Currently I'm having a very hard time making eye contact. I tell myself to do it but it isn't enough.
Ideas or tricks to get back into the eye contact groove?
I don't like making eye contact. Chalk it up to anxiety or something. If pressed to consider why, I get a sense of embarrassment about people looking at me.
I used to be okay at making eye contact but it has gotten worse in recent years. I absolutely attribute this to being a professor. I spend hours a day um-fixating my eyes to talk to a large group. I swear this has trained my brain to feel like this is normal.
Currently I'm having a very hard time making eye contact. I tell myself to do it but it isn't enough.
Ideas or tricks to get back into the eye contact groove?
An ex of mine once had us stare directly into one another's eyes for an extended period once, a couple minutes at least. It would be weird to stay that intensely at just anyone, but if you had a close friend or lover on hand to do it with, it might help shake some of that aversion to doing it.
posted by GoblinHoney at 3:19 PM on April 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by GoblinHoney at 3:19 PM on April 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
This article on autism and eye contact includes some tips.
Autistic adults often have good tips for how to make or fake eye contact well enough to get by, so that might be a good resource. I would strongly encourage you to only read things written by actually autistic people, however, not things by non-autistic parents or professionals whose focus is on trying to force eye contact.
posted by Lexica at 4:08 PM on April 3, 2018 [8 favorites]
Autistic adults often have good tips for how to make or fake eye contact well enough to get by, so that might be a good resource. I would strongly encourage you to only read things written by actually autistic people, however, not things by non-autistic parents or professionals whose focus is on trying to force eye contact.
posted by Lexica at 4:08 PM on April 3, 2018 [8 favorites]
I've read that some people on the spectrum find it easier to make eye contact with tinted lenses.
posted by brujita at 4:18 PM on April 3, 2018
posted by brujita at 4:18 PM on April 3, 2018
Look at the bridge of their nose. It doesn't feel like eye contact for me (a fellow eye-contact avoider), but it reads as eye contact for the recipient.
Then, if you want, you can glance at their eyes for a moment and return to the bridge of the nose for as long as you feel comfortable without it looking like a crazy obvious movement.
posted by Pseudonaut at 4:21 PM on April 3, 2018 [12 favorites]
Then, if you want, you can glance at their eyes for a moment and return to the bridge of the nose for as long as you feel comfortable without it looking like a crazy obvious movement.
posted by Pseudonaut at 4:21 PM on April 3, 2018 [12 favorites]
I forced myself to say “thank you, have a nice day” to grocery checkers. Just to take the beat, make eye contact. It’s brief but makes me feel like more of a human being than just mumbling it and racing away.
Maybe this is low enough stakes for you too?
posted by crankyrogalsky at 4:24 PM on April 3, 2018 [5 favorites]
Maybe this is low enough stakes for you too?
posted by crankyrogalsky at 4:24 PM on April 3, 2018 [5 favorites]
I asked someone years ago after noticing I preferred not to look people in the eyes, and he told me to look in between the eyes. Which sorta worked, and maybe a gateway technique for just plain being able to do the thing.
Practicing with someone you trust is good, too.
posted by rhizome at 4:35 PM on April 3, 2018
Practicing with someone you trust is good, too.
posted by rhizome at 4:35 PM on April 3, 2018
I don't have an answer, but I am finding your insight that this problem is related to being a professor very helpful in contextualizing my own struggles with this. So: thank you for that!
posted by dizziest at 4:36 PM on April 3, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by dizziest at 4:36 PM on April 3, 2018 [5 favorites]
A very good professor I had would constantly make eye contact with students as she lectured. She'd switch between students a few times a minute, and it had the pretty amazing effect of making you feel like she was talking just to you. It was very effective as a teaching style, and if the setup of your classrooms allows for it it could also be a good way to practice eye contact in general.
posted by trig at 5:16 PM on April 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by trig at 5:16 PM on April 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
I find one of the hardest aspects of facultydom to be the people contact. I come home just ... wrung out from all the interaction. I'm probably more of an introvert than this job needs me to be.
I'd say .... give yourself time outs, where you have permission to close the door, to not make eye contact, to turn inwards. Go to a seminar and don't look at the speaker even once. Cultivate the absent in-thought, looking-away stereotype. Train your brain that it gets breaks.
Then go back to a few moments of eye contact. Maybe. It's also probably more ok if you don't, than you know. People understand.
posted by Dashy at 5:54 PM on April 3, 2018 [2 favorites]
I'd say .... give yourself time outs, where you have permission to close the door, to not make eye contact, to turn inwards. Go to a seminar and don't look at the speaker even once. Cultivate the absent in-thought, looking-away stereotype. Train your brain that it gets breaks.
Then go back to a few moments of eye contact. Maybe. It's also probably more ok if you don't, than you know. People understand.
posted by Dashy at 5:54 PM on April 3, 2018 [2 favorites]
I'm a professor and I do this too! I find eye context incredibly difficult. The bridge of the nose trick works ok. I also just .... kind of allow it? The academy is full of all kinds of oddballs and "not making lots of eye contact but personable and friendly" is like, very normal for this line of work (I tell myself).
posted by sockermom at 5:57 PM on April 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by sockermom at 5:57 PM on April 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
I think it would be good to try to figure out the reasons why eye contact makes you uncomfortable. Some questions that might help you figure it out:
Is it a privacy thing? Like - do you feel like people can almost "read your mind", or your emotions become too transparent, when you make eye contact? If so, that is kind of true to some extent, but the good news is that if you make eye contact, you can also read their minds at the same time, thus levelling the playing field. Plus- perceptive people can basically read your mind via body language anyway, so avoiding eye contact doesn't really protect against that.
Does it feel dominant or aggressive, or perhaps does it make you feel submissive, to make eye contact? That's normal too- eye contact is a big part of social hierarchy. Practicing in low-stakes situations where you're in the slightly dominant position might help- so practice looking bus drivers, cashiers, servers, etc. in the eye. Maybe to start be intentional about making eye contact as you say hello and thank you.
Is there any particular thing about your own physical appearance or mannerisms that you feel self-conscious about? If so, working on either changing or accepting that thing might help make you feel more confident overall.
Eye contact can feel very intimate- are you comfortable with intimacy in other parts of your life?
Can you look at the eyes of photos, or video-people? Maybe practice that at home... set a timer for a minute or so and look right into the eyes of a large photo. Watch a whole video of a person who's speaking directly into the camera (maybe a YouTube confessional vlog or ASMR video?) and make eye contact with the speaker. Just get used to looking at eyes without the stress of them looking back. Maybe even practice looking into the eyes of images of people you actually know (use FB pics). Start with people (or types of people) you feel comfortable with, and work your way up to specific people (or types of people) who currently make you feel less comfortable.
Practice with babies and kids, if you have access to some! Many babies love making eye contact and it can be very intimate and wonderful.
It is very important to make eye contact when teaching and speaking with people- looking at their nose-bridges one-on-one, or glazing around in their general direction when speaking to a group, doesn't really cut it... people can often sense that reluctance to connect and it can feel weird. It is hugely better to be looked at directly in the eyes, in both settings. We receive and transmit a lot of info via eye contact, and it's an important way for humans to connect.
So it's great you're thinking about this!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 5:59 PM on April 3, 2018
Is it a privacy thing? Like - do you feel like people can almost "read your mind", or your emotions become too transparent, when you make eye contact? If so, that is kind of true to some extent, but the good news is that if you make eye contact, you can also read their minds at the same time, thus levelling the playing field. Plus- perceptive people can basically read your mind via body language anyway, so avoiding eye contact doesn't really protect against that.
Does it feel dominant or aggressive, or perhaps does it make you feel submissive, to make eye contact? That's normal too- eye contact is a big part of social hierarchy. Practicing in low-stakes situations where you're in the slightly dominant position might help- so practice looking bus drivers, cashiers, servers, etc. in the eye. Maybe to start be intentional about making eye contact as you say hello and thank you.
Is there any particular thing about your own physical appearance or mannerisms that you feel self-conscious about? If so, working on either changing or accepting that thing might help make you feel more confident overall.
Eye contact can feel very intimate- are you comfortable with intimacy in other parts of your life?
Can you look at the eyes of photos, or video-people? Maybe practice that at home... set a timer for a minute or so and look right into the eyes of a large photo. Watch a whole video of a person who's speaking directly into the camera (maybe a YouTube confessional vlog or ASMR video?) and make eye contact with the speaker. Just get used to looking at eyes without the stress of them looking back. Maybe even practice looking into the eyes of images of people you actually know (use FB pics). Start with people (or types of people) you feel comfortable with, and work your way up to specific people (or types of people) who currently make you feel less comfortable.
Practice with babies and kids, if you have access to some! Many babies love making eye contact and it can be very intimate and wonderful.
It is very important to make eye contact when teaching and speaking with people- looking at their nose-bridges one-on-one, or glazing around in their general direction when speaking to a group, doesn't really cut it... people can often sense that reluctance to connect and it can feel weird. It is hugely better to be looked at directly in the eyes, in both settings. We receive and transmit a lot of info via eye contact, and it's an important way for humans to connect.
So it's great you're thinking about this!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 5:59 PM on April 3, 2018
It's also about social norms - I am a professor too, and I swear just about everyone I work with is on the spectrum, some diagnosed, some not. A significant number of my colleagues never do eye contact. For me, that means work comes to feel like a culture in which it's no longer the norm to look at people when you talk to them, and I've started to do it less than I used to. You might be affected by the same influence. If so, then maybe it doesn't matter that you don't make eye contact. Or if it does bug you, try spending more time with groups of people who do do the eye contact thing and you might find it resets your own behaviour too.
posted by lollusc at 6:44 PM on April 3, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by lollusc at 6:44 PM on April 3, 2018 [4 favorites]
Hmm, I just read this article written by an autistic person about how eye contact feels for them, and now I recognize that what I wrote above is ableist. Food for thought.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 6:49 PM on April 3, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by pseudostrabismus at 6:49 PM on April 3, 2018 [9 favorites]
Eye contact has always felt...complicated...to me. Years ago someone suggested sort of offset eye contact (like one eye to one eye - if you're loosely facing the person it would be your left to their left/your right to their right) which was sort of helpful because it feels less intense.
But echoing some of the above, I've started to allow myself to question whether I always *have* to make eye contact. It's true that not making eye contact has social consequences sometimes, but also in some situations when people talk about someone's refusal to make eye contact, that lack of eye contact is communicating a particular attitude or perspective and the attitude is the actual problem. I work as a cashier right now and I can assure you that a customer who doesn't make eye contact because they barely realize I exist (which is rude) feels VERY different to me from someone who's awkward or not making eye contact for some other reason. There are other cues to tell me they're not a douche. I'm not sure if everyone notices this sort of thing, though.
posted by needs more cowbell at 7:14 PM on April 3, 2018
But echoing some of the above, I've started to allow myself to question whether I always *have* to make eye contact. It's true that not making eye contact has social consequences sometimes, but also in some situations when people talk about someone's refusal to make eye contact, that lack of eye contact is communicating a particular attitude or perspective and the attitude is the actual problem. I work as a cashier right now and I can assure you that a customer who doesn't make eye contact because they barely realize I exist (which is rude) feels VERY different to me from someone who's awkward or not making eye contact for some other reason. There are other cues to tell me they're not a douche. I'm not sure if everyone notices this sort of thing, though.
posted by needs more cowbell at 7:14 PM on April 3, 2018
At about the age of ten, I worked out that I could successfully tell barefaced lies to my mother even after complying with her demand to look her in the eye and say that, simply by deliberately defocusing so that although I was indeed looking straight at her right eye, all I could see was a vague blur.
It's a skill that has stood me in good stead for many decades.
posted by flabdablet at 11:00 PM on April 3, 2018
It's a skill that has stood me in good stead for many decades.
posted by flabdablet at 11:00 PM on April 3, 2018
Prolonged eye contact can also be read as weird in most situations, so most people don't seem to find it weird or offputting as long as you make momentary eye contact when you are saying hello or otherwise beginning the interaction. You don't have to hold it long, just a beat.
It's more important that you are looking in their direction enough that they feel like you're plausibly looking at them even if not looking them in the eye. Plenty of people focus more on the mouth to compensate for hearing loss or for whatever other reason or hands or whatever else.
Beyond that, people seem not to care much as long as you make some eye contact at important points in the conversation, but again, a beat or two is fine, just long enough not to make it seem literally momentary, since that reads as evasive to most NT folks.
That said, other people have correctly noted that friends, coworkers, and others who know you well aren't likely to care so long as you are otherwise friendlyish/trustworthy/not a dick. It's mainly those who don't have other cues by which to categorize you into friendly/unfriendly that care. Unless you're in sales or politics or something or are trying to make the C suite it matters very little unless you're also quite prickly.
I know it isn't a direct answer to your question, but it was a lot easier for me to get myself into the habit of eye contact with people other than my SO once I stopped placing so much importance on it. I'm naturally reclusive, so I thought way too much about it until my SO pointed out that people like me just fine when they meet me, so clearly I'm doing alright as it is, even if it isn't perfect.
posted by wierdo at 12:02 AM on April 4, 2018
It's more important that you are looking in their direction enough that they feel like you're plausibly looking at them even if not looking them in the eye. Plenty of people focus more on the mouth to compensate for hearing loss or for whatever other reason or hands or whatever else.
Beyond that, people seem not to care much as long as you make some eye contact at important points in the conversation, but again, a beat or two is fine, just long enough not to make it seem literally momentary, since that reads as evasive to most NT folks.
That said, other people have correctly noted that friends, coworkers, and others who know you well aren't likely to care so long as you are otherwise friendlyish/trustworthy/not a dick. It's mainly those who don't have other cues by which to categorize you into friendly/unfriendly that care. Unless you're in sales or politics or something or are trying to make the C suite it matters very little unless you're also quite prickly.
I know it isn't a direct answer to your question, but it was a lot easier for me to get myself into the habit of eye contact with people other than my SO once I stopped placing so much importance on it. I'm naturally reclusive, so I thought way too much about it until my SO pointed out that people like me just fine when they meet me, so clearly I'm doing alright as it is, even if it isn't perfect.
posted by wierdo at 12:02 AM on April 4, 2018
I am bad at eye contact. It makes me uncomfortable and anxious, but I have found that trying to learn it as a skill is making me feel more connected to people. I read some good advice in this paper by Kate Fox (which is about flirting, and feels dated in its attitude towards gender and dating - "target", gross - , but there is some good practical advice on communication skills). Like any skill, I've memorized it, practice it every day, and its gradually becoming more habitual.
Once a conversation begins, it is normal for eye contact to be broken as the speaker looks away. In conversations, the person who is speaking looks away more than the person who is listening, and turn-taking is governed by a characteristic pattern of looking, eye contact and looking away.
So, to signal that you have finished speaking and invite a response, you then look back at your target again. To show interest while your target is speaking, you need to look at his/her face about three-quarters of the time, in glances lasting between one and seven seconds. The person speaking will normally look at you for less than half this time, and direct eye contact will be intermittent, rarely lasting more than one second. When your target has finished speaking, and expects a response, he or she will look at you and make brief eye contact again to indicate that it is your turn.
The basic rules for pleasant conversation are: glance at the other person's face more when you are listening, glance away more when you are speaking and make brief eye contact to initiate turn-taking. The key words here are 'glance' and 'brief': avoid prolonged staring either at the other person or away.
posted by Jellybean_Slybun at 11:08 AM on April 4, 2018
Once a conversation begins, it is normal for eye contact to be broken as the speaker looks away. In conversations, the person who is speaking looks away more than the person who is listening, and turn-taking is governed by a characteristic pattern of looking, eye contact and looking away.
So, to signal that you have finished speaking and invite a response, you then look back at your target again. To show interest while your target is speaking, you need to look at his/her face about three-quarters of the time, in glances lasting between one and seven seconds. The person speaking will normally look at you for less than half this time, and direct eye contact will be intermittent, rarely lasting more than one second. When your target has finished speaking, and expects a response, he or she will look at you and make brief eye contact again to indicate that it is your turn.
The basic rules for pleasant conversation are: glance at the other person's face more when you are listening, glance away more when you are speaking and make brief eye contact to initiate turn-taking. The key words here are 'glance' and 'brief': avoid prolonged staring either at the other person or away.
posted by Jellybean_Slybun at 11:08 AM on April 4, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by k8t at 3:16 PM on April 3, 2018