AITA if I don't offer to help with shipping costs?
January 20, 2024 7:11 PM Subscribe
My sister-in-law graciously offered to ship my Christmas presents back in December cross-country to me. She was my "secret Santa" and had given me a big wood frame, plus some other items, so she offered to ship everything (all gifts I received from her, plus others, which were few).
She didn't get a chance to ship everything until now, and she said she would send me the tracking # when she did ship them out. Today, she sent me the tracking #'s for two boxes, and the total combined cost was around $150 (shown on the UPS shipment receipt, which included the tracking numbers). I was honestly a bit surprised at how expensive it was—I figured it'd be ~$30-50 all in, even less if with the Postal Service, because I had shipped similarly in the past and only paid around that.
I thanked her for sending me the tracking #'s. She then made a comment at how expensive the shipping was. I didn't say anything, because I wasn't sure what to say. I wasn't sure if that was a passive-aggressive, or covert, way to ask me to pay for the shipment, or help pay for it. I don't want to sound like a jerk, but I'm not sure what to say in this situation. My understanding is that she offered, meaning she would cover the cost. $150 is a lot of money, and I was honestly caught by surprise at how expensive it was. My sister-in-law is more of a "Guess" culture personality, while I definitely have an "Ask" culture personality.
Does this sound like her way to "ask" me to help pay? I'm trying to be smart with money, given treatment copays, possible future bucket list travel, and increasing rent/inflation/whatnot.
(Note: The frame and some other gifts wouldn't have fit in standard checked baggage for flying, which is why they were shipped.)
How would you respond in this situation?
Thanks!
She didn't get a chance to ship everything until now, and she said she would send me the tracking # when she did ship them out. Today, she sent me the tracking #'s for two boxes, and the total combined cost was around $150 (shown on the UPS shipment receipt, which included the tracking numbers). I was honestly a bit surprised at how expensive it was—I figured it'd be ~$30-50 all in, even less if with the Postal Service, because I had shipped similarly in the past and only paid around that.
I thanked her for sending me the tracking #'s. She then made a comment at how expensive the shipping was. I didn't say anything, because I wasn't sure what to say. I wasn't sure if that was a passive-aggressive, or covert, way to ask me to pay for the shipment, or help pay for it. I don't want to sound like a jerk, but I'm not sure what to say in this situation. My understanding is that she offered, meaning she would cover the cost. $150 is a lot of money, and I was honestly caught by surprise at how expensive it was. My sister-in-law is more of a "Guess" culture personality, while I definitely have an "Ask" culture personality.
Does this sound like her way to "ask" me to help pay? I'm trying to be smart with money, given treatment copays, possible future bucket list travel, and increasing rent/inflation/whatnot.
(Note: The frame and some other gifts wouldn't have fit in standard checked baggage for flying, which is why they were shipped.)
How would you respond in this situation?
Thanks!
I think you should offer to contribute. Hopefully she’ll turn you down, but that’s a lot to spend on shipping on top of the cost of her gift.
posted by dianeF at 7:23 PM on January 20, 2024 [24 favorites]
posted by dianeF at 7:23 PM on January 20, 2024 [24 favorites]
On preview, flabdablet's advice might be the best, but at the risk of undermining that confidence: if I were in your shoes, I'd indeed assume she's looking for you to say something like "Oh, wow, I hadn't looked at it until you pointed it out, but that's a lot. I know you offered to cover this, but do you want me to chip in for part of it?" after which, if she's clearly more well-off than you (and sees herself that way), she'd say "no, no, it's my treat," but she'd feel good about you offering and even better about you recognizing the size of her gesture.
But if she does say she'd love if you could cover at least some of it, you might be left having to decide precisely how much to offer (which is complicated by her gifting you something that couldn't go on the plane with you, her offering to ship everything for you, and that you might have made different decisions about what to ship vs. carry if you knew how expensive it would be, etc.), so flabdablet's advice might really just be best.
Another way to go -- since I gather money might be tight for you these days -- would be: "Oh, man, if I'd known how much that would cost I would have tried to take more of it on the plane with me. Are you sure you're okay covering it?"
Either way, despite myself being a firm Guess-culture supporter, I do think it's fair here to make her actually ask for it if that's what she wants.
posted by nobody at 7:29 PM on January 20, 2024 [13 favorites]
But if she does say she'd love if you could cover at least some of it, you might be left having to decide precisely how much to offer (which is complicated by her gifting you something that couldn't go on the plane with you, her offering to ship everything for you, and that you might have made different decisions about what to ship vs. carry if you knew how expensive it would be, etc.), so flabdablet's advice might really just be best.
Another way to go -- since I gather money might be tight for you these days -- would be: "Oh, man, if I'd known how much that would cost I would have tried to take more of it on the plane with me. Are you sure you're okay covering it?"
Either way, despite myself being a firm Guess-culture supporter, I do think it's fair here to make her actually ask for it if that's what she wants.
posted by nobody at 7:29 PM on January 20, 2024 [13 favorites]
When people offer to do nice things for you, and then they do those nice things, let them.
If that were everybody's policy, the whole process of people doing nice things for each other would be so much less complicated.
Gifts used as Trojan horses for the infliction of unsought expenditure and/or future obligation to reciprocate in kind are not gifts at all, they're denial-of-service attacks at best and expressions of coercive control at worst.
Assuming that people who give things have motivations other than generosity is itself an ungenerous posture. It might well be justified in the case of certain individuals, but it's ungenerous all the same, and that makes it a mean and corrosive default policy.
posted by flabdablet at 7:33 PM on January 20, 2024 [5 favorites]
If that were everybody's policy, the whole process of people doing nice things for each other would be so much less complicated.
Gifts used as Trojan horses for the infliction of unsought expenditure and/or future obligation to reciprocate in kind are not gifts at all, they're denial-of-service attacks at best and expressions of coercive control at worst.
Assuming that people who give things have motivations other than generosity is itself an ungenerous posture. It might well be justified in the case of certain individuals, but it's ungenerous all the same, and that makes it a mean and corrosive default policy.
posted by flabdablet at 7:33 PM on January 20, 2024 [5 favorites]
How would you respond in this situation?
I would offer to pay.
She mentioned that it was a lot of money, and if she's "guess" culture, that's as close as she can come to asking. She is doing a favor for you. Shipping stuff is a big pain in the neck. You don't say anything about your relative financial situations, but if you're planning bucket list travel as one reason not to offer to pay, you can probably afford to cover the whole thing. This isn't $10,000.
Like you, I am dealing with a serious, life-threatening illness. And I am spending money like crazy on my family members because I can do something nice for them while I'm still here. When my mom was doing the same for me in her last years and I said I felt bad she was spending so much on me, she said, "Why do I have money except to give it it you?" That statement has been my north star ever since. I make sure I can cover my own expenses, but it makes me feel good that cancer has made me more generous, not less. (I see plenty of less in my cancer support group.)
You're obviously a good guy who tries to do the right thing. At least offering to pay part of it is the right thing here. She can always say no.
posted by FencingGal at 8:00 PM on January 20, 2024 [28 favorites]
I would offer to pay.
She mentioned that it was a lot of money, and if she's "guess" culture, that's as close as she can come to asking. She is doing a favor for you. Shipping stuff is a big pain in the neck. You don't say anything about your relative financial situations, but if you're planning bucket list travel as one reason not to offer to pay, you can probably afford to cover the whole thing. This isn't $10,000.
Like you, I am dealing with a serious, life-threatening illness. And I am spending money like crazy on my family members because I can do something nice for them while I'm still here. When my mom was doing the same for me in her last years and I said I felt bad she was spending so much on me, she said, "Why do I have money except to give it it you?" That statement has been my north star ever since. I make sure I can cover my own expenses, but it makes me feel good that cancer has made me more generous, not less. (I see plenty of less in my cancer support group.)
You're obviously a good guy who tries to do the right thing. At least offering to pay part of it is the right thing here. She can always say no.
posted by FencingGal at 8:00 PM on January 20, 2024 [28 favorites]
I would offer to pay half if I could swing it. I bet she also expected closer to $50 when she offered.
But I'm not saying you have to do that. You asked what we would do.
posted by Glinn at 8:41 PM on January 20, 2024 [10 favorites]
But I'm not saying you have to do that. You asked what we would do.
posted by Glinn at 8:41 PM on January 20, 2024 [10 favorites]
This could be a cultural thing (I'm not from North America) but if someone buys you gifts they know you can't easily transport home, then expect you to pay for the shipping of them... that's kind of fucked up? It's no longer a gift but a burden.
I agree that it sounds like she would like a contribution for shipping the gifts, and since some of the gifts shipped weren't ones she purchased I think a small contribution would be suitable. However, I'd probably be giving her 25% max. I agree with Nobody's wording above (either option).
posted by BeeJiddy at 9:03 PM on January 20, 2024 [10 favorites]
I agree that it sounds like she would like a contribution for shipping the gifts, and since some of the gifts shipped weren't ones she purchased I think a small contribution would be suitable. However, I'd probably be giving her 25% max. I agree with Nobody's wording above (either option).
posted by BeeJiddy at 9:03 PM on January 20, 2024 [10 favorites]
I would pay for half of it on the assumption that she, like you, was floored by the price. A mistake was made — I don’t think she would’ve made the offer or that you would’ve accepted it if either of you knew how much money you were talking about.
Technically you could hold her to her word but … really this is just one of those things that happens. You wouldn’t be an asshole, but you wouldn’t be being particularly gracious either.
Perhaps you can find another way to do it. Have her hold onto things until your paths cross again for example.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:45 PM on January 20, 2024 [4 favorites]
Technically you could hold her to her word but … really this is just one of those things that happens. You wouldn’t be an asshole, but you wouldn’t be being particularly gracious either.
Perhaps you can find another way to do it. Have her hold onto things until your paths cross again for example.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:45 PM on January 20, 2024 [4 favorites]
Best answer: -I might respond with, "Wow, that is more than I thought it would be. Thank you so much for picking up the tab. Next time we see each other, I will buy you dinner. Thanks again."
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:59 PM on January 20, 2024 [4 favorites]
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:59 PM on January 20, 2024 [4 favorites]
Same thing happened with a sibling’s gift. I thanked them and remarked on shipping and we agreed in future to stick to lightweight gifts or buy for local delivery only. I offered to pay and they declined but the offer and decision this wouldn’t happen again made it an anecdote not a disagreement. We are guessers trying to become askers.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 11:50 PM on January 20, 2024 [5 favorites]
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 11:50 PM on January 20, 2024 [5 favorites]
Depends somewhat on everybody's financial situation. If she offered to ship stuff in the first place she's probably not in a particularly tight financial position. (If she is and did all this anyway, her judgment might be off but she was going all out for you.) Are you in a particularly tight financial position?
If both of you are pretty much fine financially, then I think she shouldn't have mentioned the money, and also that it would be a good action on your part to offer to contribute (or just send her a gift certificate or something without even asking).
Ultimately, what is money for? If you have enough that all your actual needs are covered, I'd take pleasure in being able to be generous with it. It's so nice when you don't have to scrimp or keep financial scores. Why let relatively small amounts of money (assuming you can afford them) create unnecessary friction in your relationship instead of nice memories?
If you do have actual financial difficulty contributing to the cost, then at least send her a message with a lot of extra thanks. In fact, do that regardless, because why not be generous.
posted by trig at 1:07 AM on January 21, 2024 [3 favorites]
If both of you are pretty much fine financially, then I think she shouldn't have mentioned the money, and also that it would be a good action on your part to offer to contribute (or just send her a gift certificate or something without even asking).
Ultimately, what is money for? If you have enough that all your actual needs are covered, I'd take pleasure in being able to be generous with it. It's so nice when you don't have to scrimp or keep financial scores. Why let relatively small amounts of money (assuming you can afford them) create unnecessary friction in your relationship instead of nice memories?
If you do have actual financial difficulty contributing to the cost, then at least send her a message with a lot of extra thanks. In fact, do that regardless, because why not be generous.
posted by trig at 1:07 AM on January 21, 2024 [3 favorites]
I don't think you are under any obligation to pay for shipping. She gave you a giant present that would not fit in your plane luggage - you would have been within your rights to say "thank you for this gift, but I can't possibly take it home with me."
Presents are not an obligation, you are allowed to say thank you but decline to accept them if they are too big to take home.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 2:29 AM on January 21, 2024 [7 favorites]
Presents are not an obligation, you are allowed to say thank you but decline to accept them if they are too big to take home.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 2:29 AM on January 21, 2024 [7 favorites]
I'd offer to pay half. Her mentioning the high cost was probably her indirect way of asking you to contribute. Yeah, it's annoying, but mistakes were made (large gift, underestimation of the shipping cost, UPS instead of USPS, etc) but you can both learn from it. Also, did she specifically offer to pay for the shipping (or say 'my treat' etc)? If she just offered to ship it for you she might have just meant that she would pack it up and drop it off somewhere with the expectation that you would pay her back. Communication is hard sometimes!
posted by emd3737 at 5:11 AM on January 21, 2024 [3 favorites]
posted by emd3737 at 5:11 AM on January 21, 2024 [3 favorites]
I would offer to pay.
posted by terrapin at 6:52 AM on January 21, 2024 [3 favorites]
posted by terrapin at 6:52 AM on January 21, 2024 [3 favorites]
Your poor sister-in-law made two mistakes. The first was her terrible choice of gifts, knowing you had to fly home after Christmas. Unless she thought you were driving in a vehicle with plenty of room, giving large gifts was a terrible idea.
Her second mistake was to try to correct the first mistake by offering to pay the shipping. She then, of course, discovered that shipping was going to cost her a chunk more. So she got herself in to it, much deeper than she had wanted.
What would a nice, sweet gift recipient do under these circumstances? First of all, they would make themself responsible for everything they wanted so much they didn't want to burden their sister in law with shipping. They would have stuffed everything they cared about into their luggage or their pockets somehow, or even took it to the post office and mailed it to themself before they left.
And after they had done that they would not have mentioned the left behind gifts ever again, and pretended as hard as they could that they had forgotten they existed, as if the pleasure in receiving them had been the joy, and actually having them at home was not a necessary thing for the gratitude and pleasure they gave. Kinda like if you were given a cake - whipped cream, cherries, toffee sponge - amazing!! But you know, you only eat once piece, and you definitely don't want the smooshed up, sticky stale remains arriving at your house almost a month later. Doesn't mean you didn't appreciate it enormously on the day, just that given the fact that traveling was involved you didn't expect to keep it.
You are under no obligation to bail her out after she made this mistake, just to not make her feel bad about making the mistake. If you bail her out then you will be suffering for her mistake. Would you have paid for the shipping to get the item home if she had not volunteered to do so? If not, then you shouldn't pay for the shipping. The thing is, if you pay for the shipping, you ruin the gift. It becomes something you didn't want, an imposition, you sister in law burdening you - you need to get out of this one thinking, "What a lovely and thoughtful sister-in-law I have!" and she needs to get out of this thinking, "What a warm and appreciative brother-in-law I have!"
In my world, she could have eaten the results of her first error by not volunteering to send them after you and pretending she didn't mind at all when you abandoned them, or by discretely negotiating with you to not send them on, once she found that the shipping cost was so high. But what she can't do is stick you with inconvenience of time and money and obligation. As soon as you get stuck with paying for her mistake and being polite about it, she's turned into the person you distance yourself from. She's the one who screwed up your Christmas, and has to be managed in future, by you discretely throwing out her gifts rather than bringing them home with you. If she or your family makes you feel bad about not paying for the mistake, then that's guild tripping, manipulating, and controlling and cruel.
Your sister-in-law, of course, is not thinking of any of this in so much detail. She bought something without thinking. She volunteered to ship it without thinking. And she may have hinted you she hopes you will pay for it, also without thinking. Since she is under-thinking this, your correct role is to underthink it too.
Either shrug and send her an e-transfer and never think about it again, or lightly agree that, "Damn! Shipping is SO expensive. I never ship things. I had no idea!" But don't take on her cognitive burdens. You have enough of your own.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:59 AM on January 21, 2024 [4 favorites]
Her second mistake was to try to correct the first mistake by offering to pay the shipping. She then, of course, discovered that shipping was going to cost her a chunk more. So she got herself in to it, much deeper than she had wanted.
What would a nice, sweet gift recipient do under these circumstances? First of all, they would make themself responsible for everything they wanted so much they didn't want to burden their sister in law with shipping. They would have stuffed everything they cared about into their luggage or their pockets somehow, or even took it to the post office and mailed it to themself before they left.
And after they had done that they would not have mentioned the left behind gifts ever again, and pretended as hard as they could that they had forgotten they existed, as if the pleasure in receiving them had been the joy, and actually having them at home was not a necessary thing for the gratitude and pleasure they gave. Kinda like if you were given a cake - whipped cream, cherries, toffee sponge - amazing!! But you know, you only eat once piece, and you definitely don't want the smooshed up, sticky stale remains arriving at your house almost a month later. Doesn't mean you didn't appreciate it enormously on the day, just that given the fact that traveling was involved you didn't expect to keep it.
You are under no obligation to bail her out after she made this mistake, just to not make her feel bad about making the mistake. If you bail her out then you will be suffering for her mistake. Would you have paid for the shipping to get the item home if she had not volunteered to do so? If not, then you shouldn't pay for the shipping. The thing is, if you pay for the shipping, you ruin the gift. It becomes something you didn't want, an imposition, you sister in law burdening you - you need to get out of this one thinking, "What a lovely and thoughtful sister-in-law I have!" and she needs to get out of this thinking, "What a warm and appreciative brother-in-law I have!"
In my world, she could have eaten the results of her first error by not volunteering to send them after you and pretending she didn't mind at all when you abandoned them, or by discretely negotiating with you to not send them on, once she found that the shipping cost was so high. But what she can't do is stick you with inconvenience of time and money and obligation. As soon as you get stuck with paying for her mistake and being polite about it, she's turned into the person you distance yourself from. She's the one who screwed up your Christmas, and has to be managed in future, by you discretely throwing out her gifts rather than bringing them home with you. If she or your family makes you feel bad about not paying for the mistake, then that's guild tripping, manipulating, and controlling and cruel.
Your sister-in-law, of course, is not thinking of any of this in so much detail. She bought something without thinking. She volunteered to ship it without thinking. And she may have hinted you she hopes you will pay for it, also without thinking. Since she is under-thinking this, your correct role is to underthink it too.
Either shrug and send her an e-transfer and never think about it again, or lightly agree that, "Damn! Shipping is SO expensive. I never ship things. I had no idea!" But don't take on her cognitive burdens. You have enough of your own.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:59 AM on January 21, 2024 [4 favorites]
I would offer to pay part.
Yes, "she offered," but shipping is more expensive these days than it used to be -- so probably she assumed a lower cost. Plus she packed it all up, plus she made the trip to the post office.
Acknowledge everything that she did by offering. If she turns you down then never think about it again...but let her make that move.
posted by wenestvedt at 7:26 AM on January 21, 2024 [3 favorites]
Yes, "she offered," but shipping is more expensive these days than it used to be -- so probably she assumed a lower cost. Plus she packed it all up, plus she made the trip to the post office.
Acknowledge everything that she did by offering. If she turns you down then never think about it again...but let her make that move.
posted by wenestvedt at 7:26 AM on January 21, 2024 [3 favorites]
This could be a cultural thing (I'm not from North America) but if someone buys you gifts they know you can't easily transport home, then expect you to pay for the shipping of them... that's kind of fucked up? It's no longer a gift but a burden.
I am from the US, and I agree - it's bad behavior to give a gift and then try to passive aggressively try to guilt the recipient into paying part of the shipping. Unless your SIL has notably tighter finances than you, I would not offer to pay anything because I don't like enabling bad behavior (and I don't think it's generous to do so). However, I think JohnnyGunn's script is good - it acknowledges the size of her gift, and promises future generosity on your part.
posted by coffeecat at 7:54 AM on January 21, 2024 [3 favorites]
I am from the US, and I agree - it's bad behavior to give a gift and then try to passive aggressively try to guilt the recipient into paying part of the shipping. Unless your SIL has notably tighter finances than you, I would not offer to pay anything because I don't like enabling bad behavior (and I don't think it's generous to do so). However, I think JohnnyGunn's script is good - it acknowledges the size of her gift, and promises future generosity on your part.
posted by coffeecat at 7:54 AM on January 21, 2024 [3 favorites]
I agree that you're certainly not TA if you don't offer to cover any of the shipping, but in your shoes, I would offer to pay half, or whatever amount I could afford. (If it's less than half, you could say "oh wow, I didn't know it would be that much, that is more than I could have afforded to pay, but I can contribute $50--or whatever--towards the costs.") Johnny Gunn also has a good alternative that acknowledges your sister-in-law's efforts, especially since she's sending you not just her own gift, but the others you received.
She did make a couple of mistakes, including giving you an unwieldy present that couldn't reasonably be taken home on the plane, then making the blanket offer to ship it to you without knowing the costs, then going ahead with the shipping before mentioning the amount. (She could have contacted you and said something along the lines of "hey, this is going to be $150, about 3x more than I thought, do you still want all the things, or would you be okay if we held onto some of them until the next time one of us visits with a car?")
But, it sounds like she was trying to be generous and helpful, and making her "eat" the consequences of her generosity--and perhaps her recognition that she shouldn't have given you a bulky present-- might harm your relationship in a way that is disproportionate to the amount of money involved. Are you okay with an outcome where she never offers to help you like that again? If that thought bothers you, making a contribution of any amount would probably be worth it.
posted by rpfields at 11:58 AM on January 21, 2024 [3 favorites]
She did make a couple of mistakes, including giving you an unwieldy present that couldn't reasonably be taken home on the plane, then making the blanket offer to ship it to you without knowing the costs, then going ahead with the shipping before mentioning the amount. (She could have contacted you and said something along the lines of "hey, this is going to be $150, about 3x more than I thought, do you still want all the things, or would you be okay if we held onto some of them until the next time one of us visits with a car?")
But, it sounds like she was trying to be generous and helpful, and making her "eat" the consequences of her generosity--and perhaps her recognition that she shouldn't have given you a bulky present-- might harm your relationship in a way that is disproportionate to the amount of money involved. Are you okay with an outcome where she never offers to help you like that again? If that thought bothers you, making a contribution of any amount would probably be worth it.
posted by rpfields at 11:58 AM on January 21, 2024 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Wow, some very helpful answers here. A few points:
-She got a very nifty wood frame that was personalized from Etsy, showing my two home states (where I currently live, and where I was originally from—California). Definitely not a bad present at all, just big and oversized. She probably realizes in hindsight she should have had it ordered/shipped to my home.
-I agree that it was nice of her to ship my other gifts, including a small jar of jam from a friend. (Perhaps that contributed to the weight and thus more expensive?)
-I agree that communication is hard.
What I have done is a variation of the wonderful script JohnnyGunn provided, offering to treat her to lunch/dinner as thanks for shipping everything, because she did ship all my gifts. I hope that will go over well. (I marked your answer as the best one because your script was incredibly easy and to the point, but everyone's perspectives also helped greatly!)
It's sticky because this is the first time anyone else than my parents did this. My parents has always shipped stuff to me, and never once did they ask for payment or comment on the expense of shipping, etc., so I think the changed dynamics and expectations made things a bit unclear. My SIL did not explicitly say she would pay for the shipping, but it was pretty obvious from how she said it/offered that it would be on her. She also offered right after I opened the gift, so I did not have the opportunity to offer to ship it myself. The Secret Santa exchange is new, too—in the past, we have always exchanged gifts to each other, but now, it's a dedicated Secret Santa exchange, with a few small exceptions. So, I consider this a learning experience for everyone. (I'm the only one in my family who lives far away—everyone else lives in the same town.) And in general, communication is hard and tricky, because sometimes what one understands/sees as obvious isn't to others.
Next time, what I will do is ask for all large gifts to be shipped to my home (which is clear across the country, so driving is not doable, btw) and give small gifts in person, so this issue can be avoided in the future.
Cheers and thanks for the helpful advice! :)
posted by dubious_dude at 12:18 PM on January 21, 2024 [5 favorites]
-She got a very nifty wood frame that was personalized from Etsy, showing my two home states (where I currently live, and where I was originally from—California). Definitely not a bad present at all, just big and oversized. She probably realizes in hindsight she should have had it ordered/shipped to my home.
-I agree that it was nice of her to ship my other gifts, including a small jar of jam from a friend. (Perhaps that contributed to the weight and thus more expensive?)
-I agree that communication is hard.
What I have done is a variation of the wonderful script JohnnyGunn provided, offering to treat her to lunch/dinner as thanks for shipping everything, because she did ship all my gifts. I hope that will go over well. (I marked your answer as the best one because your script was incredibly easy and to the point, but everyone's perspectives also helped greatly!)
It's sticky because this is the first time anyone else than my parents did this. My parents has always shipped stuff to me, and never once did they ask for payment or comment on the expense of shipping, etc., so I think the changed dynamics and expectations made things a bit unclear. My SIL did not explicitly say she would pay for the shipping, but it was pretty obvious from how she said it/offered that it would be on her. She also offered right after I opened the gift, so I did not have the opportunity to offer to ship it myself. The Secret Santa exchange is new, too—in the past, we have always exchanged gifts to each other, but now, it's a dedicated Secret Santa exchange, with a few small exceptions. So, I consider this a learning experience for everyone. (I'm the only one in my family who lives far away—everyone else lives in the same town.) And in general, communication is hard and tricky, because sometimes what one understands/sees as obvious isn't to others.
Next time, what I will do is ask for all large gifts to be shipped to my home (which is clear across the country, so driving is not doable, btw) and give small gifts in person, so this issue can be avoided in the future.
Cheers and thanks for the helpful advice! :)
posted by dubious_dude at 12:18 PM on January 21, 2024 [5 favorites]
My understanding is that she offered, meaning she would cover the cost. $150 is a lot of money, and I was honestly caught by surprise at how expensive it was. My sister-in-law is more of a "Guess" culture personality, while I definitely have an "Ask" culture personality.
Ultimately, none of us knows your SIL, and even if we did we couldn't state with any certainty what was going through her mind. But for my part as a fellow Guesser, when I offer to do something, I am indeed implicitly but intentionally also offering to cover the cost. And if I sent a follow-up message like hers, it wouldn't be an implicit request for money, it would be an acknowledgement that you saw the cost because it was the only way to share the tracking info (and otherwise I definitely would NEVER have mentioned how much it cost, even if it was tougher to cover than I had anticipated), and I'm worried you might have some feelings about how generous the gift was; I'd be trying to make clear that hey, I didn't go into this trying to make you feel indebted to me. I wouldn't be offended if you offered to help, but I wouldn't take you up on it. I also wouldn't be offended if you never offered to help, though a message like the one you sent would be really appreciated.
posted by solotoro at 8:23 AM on January 22, 2024 [1 favorite]
Ultimately, none of us knows your SIL, and even if we did we couldn't state with any certainty what was going through her mind. But for my part as a fellow Guesser, when I offer to do something, I am indeed implicitly but intentionally also offering to cover the cost. And if I sent a follow-up message like hers, it wouldn't be an implicit request for money, it would be an acknowledgement that you saw the cost because it was the only way to share the tracking info (and otherwise I definitely would NEVER have mentioned how much it cost, even if it was tougher to cover than I had anticipated), and I'm worried you might have some feelings about how generous the gift was; I'd be trying to make clear that hey, I didn't go into this trying to make you feel indebted to me. I wouldn't be offended if you offered to help, but I wouldn't take you up on it. I also wouldn't be offended if you never offered to help, though a message like the one you sent would be really appreciated.
posted by solotoro at 8:23 AM on January 22, 2024 [1 favorite]
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That right there is true wisdom. Should be more of it.
How would you respond in this situation?
Exactly as you have, except for the part where I second-guess myself and start worrying about perhaps having done the wrong thing; I'd leave that out.
posted by flabdablet at 7:18 PM on January 20, 2024 [5 favorites]