Living with a negativity addict
June 24, 2023 8:39 AM Subscribe
Looking for success stories of people whose depressed / traumatized significant others have moved on past their pain, without the other partner gaining new trauma to compensate. Content warning: depression, family trauma.
You are not my therapist. But...
My SO has a lot of trouble just planning daily life, socializing handling the stress of work and family, etc.
Me too, but, especially since facing my depression and getting some talking therapy, I am "happily unhappy" on a long term basis.
I would say my SO was depressed too based on classic signs like black/white thinking, catastrophizing etc. but for them it's more like a continual self-sacrificing / other-sabotaging spiral. Lots of anger, blowups that are predictable in hindsight but scary and surprising at the time. Refusal to share problems with friends etc. No-one can break the ice.
They have a sad family history. As averagely messed up as mine was, I'd claim I had a happy childhood. Also SO is a single child.
Their culture tends to stigmatize getting therapy or even admitting the need to personally develop.
I'd love to hear from anyone who's actually experienced this type of thing and come out to see the light. At present I have just learned that it's not my problem (whatever SO says) but also, I can't help so I need to get and give emotional distance. It's better, much better, but still tough.
Help me see the possible happy ending here!
You are not my therapist. But...
My SO has a lot of trouble just planning daily life, socializing handling the stress of work and family, etc.
Me too, but, especially since facing my depression and getting some talking therapy, I am "happily unhappy" on a long term basis.
I would say my SO was depressed too based on classic signs like black/white thinking, catastrophizing etc. but for them it's more like a continual self-sacrificing / other-sabotaging spiral. Lots of anger, blowups that are predictable in hindsight but scary and surprising at the time. Refusal to share problems with friends etc. No-one can break the ice.
They have a sad family history. As averagely messed up as mine was, I'd claim I had a happy childhood. Also SO is a single child.
Their culture tends to stigmatize getting therapy or even admitting the need to personally develop.
I'd love to hear from anyone who's actually experienced this type of thing and come out to see the light. At present I have just learned that it's not my problem (whatever SO says) but also, I can't help so I need to get and give emotional distance. It's better, much better, but still tough.
Help me see the possible happy ending here!
I asked a question similar to this maybe 7 years ago and I’m sorry to say it turned into a horrible nightmare and I’m a shell of myself… I ended up the problem and after 3 years of them just being non verbally unhappy with me (but it was still kind of obvious but they still used me as an emotional garbage can) they became verbally unhappy with me and I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. I’m trying to find my way out.
posted by catspajammies at 10:31 AM on June 24, 2023 [7 favorites]
posted by catspajammies at 10:31 AM on June 24, 2023 [7 favorites]
I guess it was only 4 years ago but it feels like a lifetime and I’ll never get those years back.
posted by catspajammies at 10:32 AM on June 24, 2023
posted by catspajammies at 10:32 AM on June 24, 2023
Best answer: It sounds like you want them to experience depression and the challenges of life the way you do, or the way others do. I’m sorry, but you have zero control over that—even if they did get into therapy and on meds (which of course you can’t force.)
In fact they may be more severely depressed than you, so if you really think about that, it would be pretty silly to expect them to recover from a severe condition as though it were a mild one. Or it may not even be depression, but something or a set of somethings you don’t really understand.
Does any of that mean you have to put up with poor treatment? No! Unpredictable anger outbursts would not be acceptable to me in the long term; you get to decide if you actually can accept that for yourself.
People have to want to change and some conditions are incredibly hard (or impossible) to change. So accepting that reality will be your first step. Figure out what your line in the sand is, and stick to it. That’s the only thing you can control or change here.
Ask yourself what YOU want. Would you stay with them if things stay exactly the same? How about if they get into therapy and improve a little but not a lot? How about if they stop having outbursts, but continue to see the glass as half empty? Once you figure out what you can accept, you get to ask for what you want. This means you have to be ready to go if you don’t get it.
posted by kapers at 10:35 AM on June 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
In fact they may be more severely depressed than you, so if you really think about that, it would be pretty silly to expect them to recover from a severe condition as though it were a mild one. Or it may not even be depression, but something or a set of somethings you don’t really understand.
Does any of that mean you have to put up with poor treatment? No! Unpredictable anger outbursts would not be acceptable to me in the long term; you get to decide if you actually can accept that for yourself.
People have to want to change and some conditions are incredibly hard (or impossible) to change. So accepting that reality will be your first step. Figure out what your line in the sand is, and stick to it. That’s the only thing you can control or change here.
Ask yourself what YOU want. Would you stay with them if things stay exactly the same? How about if they get into therapy and improve a little but not a lot? How about if they stop having outbursts, but continue to see the glass as half empty? Once you figure out what you can accept, you get to ask for what you want. This means you have to be ready to go if you don’t get it.
posted by kapers at 10:35 AM on June 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Also I’m pretty sure I was the “negativity addict” (ouch) in a past relationship, and I did improve! But I improved outside of that relationship, not in it. I had to lose things that mattered, grow up a lot, hit rock bottom and beyond, and do a lot of hard work on my own over many years. I didn’t have the capacity to do that in that relationship—if I could have snapped out of it I would have.
posted by kapers at 10:42 AM on June 24, 2023
posted by kapers at 10:42 AM on June 24, 2023
Response by poster: Thanks for the tangential answers but I was hoping to hear from "anyone who's actually experienced this type of thing and come out to see the light"...
posted by KMH at 10:45 AM on June 24, 2023
posted by KMH at 10:45 AM on June 24, 2023
Best answer: Hi, I think my wife and I came out of this together, in that when we met we were both depressed and cynical people with little sense of direction or power in our lives. Now, I would say that we are both self-motivated people who feel capable of visualizing and actualizing goals for ourselves, with each other's help. We still struggle but I think we are happy in that.
I think that it was important that we were going through this process together, we didn't feel most of the time that the other one wanted us to be some way, we just were talking thru our organic reactions to new situations. My wife also made a sudden choice to get sober early on in our relationship, which I think was a catalyst for other positive change. I think having someone that she trusted in her life during that process made her feel more comfortable making radical shifts in her world view towards positivity.
For me, receiving unconditional love gave me the space to reconsider what various defensive mechanisms were doing for me. We were both in our early 20s. I think there are some times in our lives when we are more prepared for these kinds of shifts than others.
Ultimately, it does depend on your partner but a critical part of shifting ones worldview is having a nonjudgmental and nonpartisan context to explore new thought patterns.
For my wife and I, the space to explore this was our relationship, (and for me, therapy) but for many people it is a combo of therapy, self help books, journaling, and various relationships. You can try to help provide that space but it's up to him how he uses it. I think the nonpartisan part of the space is important because for most people this negativity is a defensive mechanism and on some level manifests as a mistrust in others, including an SO. That can be very painful to experience as a partner, and it sounds like it is effecting you in a serious way. It might be that you do your best to provide the space to your SO and he doesn't use it, you can't make him. I don't think you are obligated to do this, you can't be a therapist if you are not one. A professional therapist will struggle to help an unwilling patient. I think as you say, there is a risk of accruing further trauma as a result. It's important for you to keep an eye on yourself in this process and make decisions to care for yourself as well as your SO. It sounds like they aren't really capable of doing this for you now, which is hard.
Another approach might be to try to communicate to your SO how their negativity effects you and see if that can be the catalyst for them taking a more active role in the relationship. It might also backfire in some way. You would know better than us how to handle this because you actually know him.
I can see that you are hurting and I want to validate that yes, it is a very painful situation to be in. Things may change but they may stay the same, and living in that limbo is hard. It is ok to stay on to work together or to excuse yourself from the situation if it becomes too much for you, temporarily or permanently.
posted by Summers at 12:45 AM on June 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
I think that it was important that we were going through this process together, we didn't feel most of the time that the other one wanted us to be some way, we just were talking thru our organic reactions to new situations. My wife also made a sudden choice to get sober early on in our relationship, which I think was a catalyst for other positive change. I think having someone that she trusted in her life during that process made her feel more comfortable making radical shifts in her world view towards positivity.
For me, receiving unconditional love gave me the space to reconsider what various defensive mechanisms were doing for me. We were both in our early 20s. I think there are some times in our lives when we are more prepared for these kinds of shifts than others.
Ultimately, it does depend on your partner but a critical part of shifting ones worldview is having a nonjudgmental and nonpartisan context to explore new thought patterns.
For my wife and I, the space to explore this was our relationship, (and for me, therapy) but for many people it is a combo of therapy, self help books, journaling, and various relationships. You can try to help provide that space but it's up to him how he uses it. I think the nonpartisan part of the space is important because for most people this negativity is a defensive mechanism and on some level manifests as a mistrust in others, including an SO. That can be very painful to experience as a partner, and it sounds like it is effecting you in a serious way. It might be that you do your best to provide the space to your SO and he doesn't use it, you can't make him. I don't think you are obligated to do this, you can't be a therapist if you are not one. A professional therapist will struggle to help an unwilling patient. I think as you say, there is a risk of accruing further trauma as a result. It's important for you to keep an eye on yourself in this process and make decisions to care for yourself as well as your SO. It sounds like they aren't really capable of doing this for you now, which is hard.
Another approach might be to try to communicate to your SO how their negativity effects you and see if that can be the catalyst for them taking a more active role in the relationship. It might also backfire in some way. You would know better than us how to handle this because you actually know him.
I can see that you are hurting and I want to validate that yes, it is a very painful situation to be in. Things may change but they may stay the same, and living in that limbo is hard. It is ok to stay on to work together or to excuse yourself from the situation if it becomes too much for you, temporarily or permanently.
posted by Summers at 12:45 AM on June 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
Yes I have experienced this and come out of it to see the light. WE didn't make it, *I* made it. In my experience it is impossible for a partner to escape unscathed and untraumatized when the other partner is incessantly critical, negative and angry, and intermittently explosive.
My partner's journey to overcome his issues is his own. I emotionally detached myself from him when I realized he didn't even think he had a problem - he insisted *I* was the one who was making him miserable by doing perfectly normal and harmless things that actually only bothered him because of his untreated and deep seated issues. I got tired of being blamed first, I think. Then I realized he would never get it, because he had no incentive to get it, because he felt satisfied (though still miserable) as long as he could blame his misery on me. That's when I quit trying to get him to seek help and started minding my own business. My self esteem and my ability to function went up as I focused on myself. Soon we got divorced, and I have only felt & functioned ever better since then.
I WAS traumatized, I WAS damaged, but getting away from him helped me to heal.
posted by MiraK at 8:29 PM on July 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
My partner's journey to overcome his issues is his own. I emotionally detached myself from him when I realized he didn't even think he had a problem - he insisted *I* was the one who was making him miserable by doing perfectly normal and harmless things that actually only bothered him because of his untreated and deep seated issues. I got tired of being blamed first, I think. Then I realized he would never get it, because he had no incentive to get it, because he felt satisfied (though still miserable) as long as he could blame his misery on me. That's when I quit trying to get him to seek help and started minding my own business. My self esteem and my ability to function went up as I focused on myself. Soon we got divorced, and I have only felt & functioned ever better since then.
I WAS traumatized, I WAS damaged, but getting away from him helped me to heal.
posted by MiraK at 8:29 PM on July 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Resolution: thanks for the replies.
They, among other things, helped me understand that SO likely has a form of Borderline Personality Disorder.
Ever since I looked into that I have gotten some helpful insights and made a little progress in our relationship.
posted by KMH at 12:29 AM on September 5, 2023
They, among other things, helped me understand that SO likely has a form of Borderline Personality Disorder.
Ever since I looked into that I have gotten some helpful insights and made a little progress in our relationship.
posted by KMH at 12:29 AM on September 5, 2023
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by KMH at 8:41 AM on June 24, 2023 [1 favorite]