Tell me about your relationships with your bipolar parent.
January 16, 2023 3:48 AM Subscribe
Mefites with parents with bipolar disorder, tell me about your relationships with your parent. I am trying, and failing, to take care of my mother. I feel that I cannot get this right, and I have a lot of mixed up feelings about her/the situation. I don't know too many other people who have parents with mental illness. How do you cope with your parent's mental illness?
I have many complex feelings about my mother's mental illness, which has been a huge part of my life. I love her very much but our relationship has never been easy. After a long period of stability she tipped back into mania last year, the first time this has happened since I became an adult, and so I took responsibility for overseeing her mental (and physical) health. I have had no support from family, other than my siblings, but for various reasons, the vast brunt of her care has fallen to me alone. I have been able to get her treated for her various physical issues, but her mental health has dipped up and down over the past 6 months and her doctors want to treat it conservatively as the antipsychotics have a bad effect on the rest of her health.
The impact on our relationship has been very detrimental - she sees me as the enemy now, for 'forcing' her into hospital/taking her to her psychiatrist/overseeing whether she takes her medications, etc. She 'disowns' me numerous times a month, says unbelievably cruel things which I have learned to ignore, and then she feels better and acts like nothing ever happened.
The very sad thing is that when my mother is mentally stable, she is wonderful, and I feel very sad and lonely when she is like this.
While I have done a lot to take care of my mother, all I can think of is the ways I have let her down and screwed up. Right now I am taking a step back from her and our relationship because she is very angry with me and even the smallest conversation triggers her, but I am worried that without me overseeing (read: micromananaging) things her health will just get worse.
ANYWAY, I thought one thing that would be helpful would be to understand how other people have dealt with their parents with mental illness. I don't know many other people with mentally ill parents and I don't know anyone else with a parent with bipolar disease. Metafilter has been such an incredible community, I respect everyone here so much, and I thought maybe some of you might have some comparable experience you might be able to share with me. I'm not looking for advice, per se, just perspective on how you deal with it, how you manage the guilt and conflicted emotions, how you live the rest of your life knowing your parent is unwell and not able to take care of themselves etc.
I am in therapy. I'm having panic attacks and not sleeping, so also considering going onto medication.
I have many complex feelings about my mother's mental illness, which has been a huge part of my life. I love her very much but our relationship has never been easy. After a long period of stability she tipped back into mania last year, the first time this has happened since I became an adult, and so I took responsibility for overseeing her mental (and physical) health. I have had no support from family, other than my siblings, but for various reasons, the vast brunt of her care has fallen to me alone. I have been able to get her treated for her various physical issues, but her mental health has dipped up and down over the past 6 months and her doctors want to treat it conservatively as the antipsychotics have a bad effect on the rest of her health.
The impact on our relationship has been very detrimental - she sees me as the enemy now, for 'forcing' her into hospital/taking her to her psychiatrist/overseeing whether she takes her medications, etc. She 'disowns' me numerous times a month, says unbelievably cruel things which I have learned to ignore, and then she feels better and acts like nothing ever happened.
The very sad thing is that when my mother is mentally stable, she is wonderful, and I feel very sad and lonely when she is like this.
While I have done a lot to take care of my mother, all I can think of is the ways I have let her down and screwed up. Right now I am taking a step back from her and our relationship because she is very angry with me and even the smallest conversation triggers her, but I am worried that without me overseeing (read: micromananaging) things her health will just get worse.
ANYWAY, I thought one thing that would be helpful would be to understand how other people have dealt with their parents with mental illness. I don't know many other people with mentally ill parents and I don't know anyone else with a parent with bipolar disease. Metafilter has been such an incredible community, I respect everyone here so much, and I thought maybe some of you might have some comparable experience you might be able to share with me. I'm not looking for advice, per se, just perspective on how you deal with it, how you manage the guilt and conflicted emotions, how you live the rest of your life knowing your parent is unwell and not able to take care of themselves etc.
I am in therapy. I'm having panic attacks and not sleeping, so also considering going onto medication.
My father was diagnosed as bipolar about 15 years ago after a manic episode that was pretty intense and ended with in-patient care. I was an adult, living about 2 hours away, but at his request, came to meetings with him, my mother, his medical team and social worker. To this day, I’m not sure why he wanted me there as opposed to either of my 2 siblings. I have never had a particularly close relationship with either of my parents. I was working 60+ hours a week at the time, so I was probably not as involved in it as much as they would have liked, especially after he came home.
I know that my mother struggled with taking care of him. She wanted him to do things like take care of himself, be healthy, take his medication. He wanted to return to his “normal” life and pretend everything was fine. I think that any problems or issues they had previously had in their relationship was heightened by the diagnosis, the treatment plan, and how much weight they put on those things, especially because they didn’t have the same goals in mind. There was an extended period of being hyper vigilant about his moods, his health, his medication. My mother micromanaged, he lashed out. They both had big feeling about these things. They both started calling me more often to try to get me to explain their side to the other party and eventually I had to set some boundaries about how I was not the person who could help them mediate their marriage issues. They were living in crisis control mode for several months where all decisions felt like they were being made quickly and with only the immediate consequences in mind. It took probably about a year for them to get out of the crisis mindset and into thinking about things with long term sustainability.
I remember it being absolutely emotionally draining, and that was handling it from a distance. I’m so sorry that you are in the thick of it. My father is a difficult person in general and I spent a lot of time trying to decode if some of his behaviors were intentionally malicious or beyond his control. It changed the relationship I had with both of my parents because they had let me see this very vulnerable side of both of them, something they had never done before because they were very invested in presenting themselves as a good Christian family with no problems. I think they were both embarrassed that this showed they were not perfect and I was a witness to it.
I have been fully estranged from both of them for about 5 years, mostly due to both of them becoming far-right extremists. Shortly before I cut contact, my father was diagnosed with cancer and my sister was the sibling they leaned on. There were many similarities between how they handled the cancer diagnosis and the bipolar diagnosis and my sister started seeing a therapist and got on anxiety medication which helped her immensely. I was grateful that she was there because I do not think I could have gone through that again with them.
posted by August Fury at 8:43 AM on January 16, 2023 [4 favorites]
I know that my mother struggled with taking care of him. She wanted him to do things like take care of himself, be healthy, take his medication. He wanted to return to his “normal” life and pretend everything was fine. I think that any problems or issues they had previously had in their relationship was heightened by the diagnosis, the treatment plan, and how much weight they put on those things, especially because they didn’t have the same goals in mind. There was an extended period of being hyper vigilant about his moods, his health, his medication. My mother micromanaged, he lashed out. They both had big feeling about these things. They both started calling me more often to try to get me to explain their side to the other party and eventually I had to set some boundaries about how I was not the person who could help them mediate their marriage issues. They were living in crisis control mode for several months where all decisions felt like they were being made quickly and with only the immediate consequences in mind. It took probably about a year for them to get out of the crisis mindset and into thinking about things with long term sustainability.
I remember it being absolutely emotionally draining, and that was handling it from a distance. I’m so sorry that you are in the thick of it. My father is a difficult person in general and I spent a lot of time trying to decode if some of his behaviors were intentionally malicious or beyond his control. It changed the relationship I had with both of my parents because they had let me see this very vulnerable side of both of them, something they had never done before because they were very invested in presenting themselves as a good Christian family with no problems. I think they were both embarrassed that this showed they were not perfect and I was a witness to it.
I have been fully estranged from both of them for about 5 years, mostly due to both of them becoming far-right extremists. Shortly before I cut contact, my father was diagnosed with cancer and my sister was the sibling they leaned on. There were many similarities between how they handled the cancer diagnosis and the bipolar diagnosis and my sister started seeing a therapist and got on anxiety medication which helped her immensely. I was grateful that she was there because I do not think I could have gone through that again with them.
posted by August Fury at 8:43 AM on January 16, 2023 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I wish I could buy you a cup of coffee and give you lots of emotional friend support and let you vent. Because you definitely need to do a lot of that.
It's great that you are in therapy. As much safe, validating support as you can get is very important.
Your sibs may understand, but they are also part of your family system so it may not be 100% helpful every time. The fact that the majority of care has fallen to you indicates that to me, from your post.
Here is what I have learned that might help you:
Caring for a parent is not the same as caring for any other person on earth. This is the only person in the universe whom is meant to care for YOU. That never changes, ever, in our psyche. So this is hard stuff right out of the gate even if your parent is not a difficult patient.
You said that this is the first mania she's had since you were an adult, and that you are having panic attacks and can't sleep. So here is the thing. You have childhood trauma that is being activated by her behavior. That is what the panic attacks and insomnia are trying to tell you. You are likely disassociate from your very intense and powerful emotions to care for your mom.
Does this mean that you should leave her in the lurch or she's doing something wrong? No. But it does mean that you might not be the best person to care for her day to day. This is a very hard reality to accept. She might be mean to a nurse for example, and that might be annoying/hard for the nurse, but it is not going to trigger their very personal trauma. All the things that make you a special caretaker because you love your mom also make you a special target. It's a double edged sword.
I also think it's important to examine how/why you feel compelled to do this now. Are you the only person who can help her in all the ways you are helping? Or can you get someone to take on some of it (like a professional)? Are you not getting help because you feel it's "wrong" or you're not entitled to it or you SHOULDN'T, or because it's just not possible? If you need permission to get some help and to distance yourself, you have it from me, an internet stranger. If you can find it from a support group, even better.
You need what you need. Caring for a mentally ill parent is going to be very hard and painful and triggering. It's going to make you feel like you shouldn't need anything. I try to remember that when I am activated i am in a mental hall of mirrors. My survival instinct goes into overdrive trying to stop me from having inconvenient emotions or feelings, and I am likely surrounded by people who will only turn up the carnival music. It's hard on the bod. It's an adrenaline nightmare!
Self compassion is key. People who can validate and support you is clutch. You don't just need it. You deserve it.
posted by pazazygeek at 8:49 AM on January 16, 2023 [12 favorites]
It's great that you are in therapy. As much safe, validating support as you can get is very important.
Your sibs may understand, but they are also part of your family system so it may not be 100% helpful every time. The fact that the majority of care has fallen to you indicates that to me, from your post.
Here is what I have learned that might help you:
Caring for a parent is not the same as caring for any other person on earth. This is the only person in the universe whom is meant to care for YOU. That never changes, ever, in our psyche. So this is hard stuff right out of the gate even if your parent is not a difficult patient.
You said that this is the first mania she's had since you were an adult, and that you are having panic attacks and can't sleep. So here is the thing. You have childhood trauma that is being activated by her behavior. That is what the panic attacks and insomnia are trying to tell you. You are likely disassociate from your very intense and powerful emotions to care for your mom.
Does this mean that you should leave her in the lurch or she's doing something wrong? No. But it does mean that you might not be the best person to care for her day to day. This is a very hard reality to accept. She might be mean to a nurse for example, and that might be annoying/hard for the nurse, but it is not going to trigger their very personal trauma. All the things that make you a special caretaker because you love your mom also make you a special target. It's a double edged sword.
I also think it's important to examine how/why you feel compelled to do this now. Are you the only person who can help her in all the ways you are helping? Or can you get someone to take on some of it (like a professional)? Are you not getting help because you feel it's "wrong" or you're not entitled to it or you SHOULDN'T, or because it's just not possible? If you need permission to get some help and to distance yourself, you have it from me, an internet stranger. If you can find it from a support group, even better.
You need what you need. Caring for a mentally ill parent is going to be very hard and painful and triggering. It's going to make you feel like you shouldn't need anything. I try to remember that when I am activated i am in a mental hall of mirrors. My survival instinct goes into overdrive trying to stop me from having inconvenient emotions or feelings, and I am likely surrounded by people who will only turn up the carnival music. It's hard on the bod. It's an adrenaline nightmare!
Self compassion is key. People who can validate and support you is clutch. You don't just need it. You deserve it.
posted by pazazygeek at 8:49 AM on January 16, 2023 [12 favorites]
Best answer: I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I have bipolar disorder, and I'm a parent (although my kids are still very young).
If this should happen to me when my kids are grown, I would want them to really, really understand how a bipolar mania works. In fact, I'm making a mental note now to make sure I explain it to them as soon as it's appropriate. Here are some things I would want them to know.
1. Please, please understand that if I say or do anything hurtful to you, it doesn't reflect how I really feel and think when I am well. I am at least somewhat delusional right now and my brain is making me believe things that are not true. When I am yelling, or whatever I am doing, my brain has me convinced that it is the absolute correct thing to be doing in that moment. In fact, I've never been so sure of anything in my life. I cannot see that I'm wrong right now, nor can I stop the damaging behavior because my ability to control my impulses is gone. When I am well, I will wish I could have, but I promise you it wasn't possible.
2. The more severe the mania is, the longer it takes to subside. Please be patient and have faith that it will end.
3. If I seem to forget having said or done things while I was manic, it may be because I honestly don't remember. Or it may be that I am cycling back and forth between psychotic brain and 'normal' brain and while I might remember saying or doing something strange or hurtful, I can't grab onto any memory of what I was thinking at the time or whether there was a reason that made perfect sense. While I am cycling like this, I am still not well, even if I appear well at times.
4. Take as many breaks from me as you need. You don't have the power to heal or fix me. I appreciate that you want to help, but there is only one thing that can help me right now, and it's medication (and time).
5. I love you.
posted by kitcat at 9:34 AM on January 16, 2023 [14 favorites]
I have bipolar disorder, and I'm a parent (although my kids are still very young).
If this should happen to me when my kids are grown, I would want them to really, really understand how a bipolar mania works. In fact, I'm making a mental note now to make sure I explain it to them as soon as it's appropriate. Here are some things I would want them to know.
1. Please, please understand that if I say or do anything hurtful to you, it doesn't reflect how I really feel and think when I am well. I am at least somewhat delusional right now and my brain is making me believe things that are not true. When I am yelling, or whatever I am doing, my brain has me convinced that it is the absolute correct thing to be doing in that moment. In fact, I've never been so sure of anything in my life. I cannot see that I'm wrong right now, nor can I stop the damaging behavior because my ability to control my impulses is gone. When I am well, I will wish I could have, but I promise you it wasn't possible.
2. The more severe the mania is, the longer it takes to subside. Please be patient and have faith that it will end.
3. If I seem to forget having said or done things while I was manic, it may be because I honestly don't remember. Or it may be that I am cycling back and forth between psychotic brain and 'normal' brain and while I might remember saying or doing something strange or hurtful, I can't grab onto any memory of what I was thinking at the time or whether there was a reason that made perfect sense. While I am cycling like this, I am still not well, even if I appear well at times.
4. Take as many breaks from me as you need. You don't have the power to heal or fix me. I appreciate that you want to help, but there is only one thing that can help me right now, and it's medication (and time).
5. I love you.
posted by kitcat at 9:34 AM on January 16, 2023 [14 favorites]
There's another thing I forgot:
I am arguing and fueling conflict with you because my brain is craving excitement. I want to drink, do drugs, have sex, go shopping, take risks. If those things aren't available to me, I'll be seeking interpersonal conflict. Please remember: I can't help it.
posted by kitcat at 9:43 AM on January 16, 2023 [4 favorites]
I am arguing and fueling conflict with you because my brain is craving excitement. I want to drink, do drugs, have sex, go shopping, take risks. If those things aren't available to me, I'll be seeking interpersonal conflict. Please remember: I can't help it.
posted by kitcat at 9:43 AM on January 16, 2023 [4 favorites]
My mother has bipolar disorder. It's treated adequately now (and my stepdad serves as a buffer between us) but my childhood and early 20s were spent taking the brunt of her abuse. Whether she meant to hurt me or not, whether she could help it or not, is irrelevant. The effects are real and can be explained by mental illness but not excused. When my stepdad dies I expect to be in a similar situation to you (also I'm an only child), but fortunately I have had a couple decades of being able to shore up my own mental health.
I thought there were some magic words I could say so that she wouldn't be angry with me, that would make her okay. There was/is no combination of sounds I could make that will influence her irrational behavior. It would be like gently whispering to a broken leg expecting it to heal.
My first step was to accept that. This was both saddening and liberating. There's nothing I can do... but also there's nothing I *have* to do.
My second task, and most important, was to set boundaries on how I allowed myself to be treated. I feel no obligation to endure outbursts and accusations because I share some DNA. If she's in imminent danger of physical collapse or self-harm, okay, I will deal with the emergency, but I am 100% entitled to protect my own mental and emotional safety. And I'm sure you know the old adage about putting on your own oxygen mask first.
Both of these things pulled me out of the gaslighting and tiptoeing dynamic we had developed. She figured out pretty quickly she was no longer able to manipulate me with emotional outbursts (either anger or "you don't love me") and that I wasn't going to believe her retconned version of the past. None of that fixed her but it did salvage our relationship. We'll never be close but I can spend limited amounts of time with her.
But medication was the game-changer. If my mom refused it I would talk to her doctors myself and explain how it is negatively affecting her life and endangering her. Perhaps there is another option that won't produce the same side effects, or there's just a difficult decision to be made between deteriorating physical health or deteriorating physical and mental health.
I don't know what I'll be able to handle until I'm put in your situation, but I'm thinking through my options now - paid assistants, power of attorney, etc. I know that I cannot make good decisions while sleep-deprived and acutely anxious. I have sleep problems for totally unrelated reasons and it's medication that keeps me functional. There's no shame in taking it. You can't reason yourself out of bodily functions either (this is why all anxiety-reducing methods are physical, because talking yourself out of it doesn't work).
Anyway. Start at the bottom of the Maslow pyramid - your own eating and sleeping. Things will only work if those work. And NAMI is an excellent suggestion. They had classes for family members of people with bipolar and schizophrenia that taught me a lot of the above.
posted by nezlamnyy at 12:02 PM on January 16, 2023 [6 favorites]
I thought there were some magic words I could say so that she wouldn't be angry with me, that would make her okay. There was/is no combination of sounds I could make that will influence her irrational behavior. It would be like gently whispering to a broken leg expecting it to heal.
My first step was to accept that. This was both saddening and liberating. There's nothing I can do... but also there's nothing I *have* to do.
My second task, and most important, was to set boundaries on how I allowed myself to be treated. I feel no obligation to endure outbursts and accusations because I share some DNA. If she's in imminent danger of physical collapse or self-harm, okay, I will deal with the emergency, but I am 100% entitled to protect my own mental and emotional safety. And I'm sure you know the old adage about putting on your own oxygen mask first.
Both of these things pulled me out of the gaslighting and tiptoeing dynamic we had developed. She figured out pretty quickly she was no longer able to manipulate me with emotional outbursts (either anger or "you don't love me") and that I wasn't going to believe her retconned version of the past. None of that fixed her but it did salvage our relationship. We'll never be close but I can spend limited amounts of time with her.
But medication was the game-changer. If my mom refused it I would talk to her doctors myself and explain how it is negatively affecting her life and endangering her. Perhaps there is another option that won't produce the same side effects, or there's just a difficult decision to be made between deteriorating physical health or deteriorating physical and mental health.
I don't know what I'll be able to handle until I'm put in your situation, but I'm thinking through my options now - paid assistants, power of attorney, etc. I know that I cannot make good decisions while sleep-deprived and acutely anxious. I have sleep problems for totally unrelated reasons and it's medication that keeps me functional. There's no shame in taking it. You can't reason yourself out of bodily functions either (this is why all anxiety-reducing methods are physical, because talking yourself out of it doesn't work).
Anyway. Start at the bottom of the Maslow pyramid - your own eating and sleeping. Things will only work if those work. And NAMI is an excellent suggestion. They had classes for family members of people with bipolar and schizophrenia that taught me a lot of the above.
posted by nezlamnyy at 12:02 PM on January 16, 2023 [6 favorites]
I want to say - what I wrote above describes a parent (me) who has very, very infrequent, acute (as opposed to chronic) mental health crises. If your parent either does not manage their bipolar responsibly, doesn't take their meds, and/or has a personality disorder or other untreated mental illness in additional to their bipolar, and/or has a pattern of being abusive, then I certainly would not expect you to try to understand or sympathize with them. At all.
posted by kitcat at 12:24 PM on January 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by kitcat at 12:24 PM on January 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
My father has bipolar disorder I, and is also an alcoholic/drug addict. I haven't spoken to him in 5+ years, and for me, it was the best decision I could make for myself. However, in my case, even when he's on appropriate psychiatric medications, he's still not a person who is "safe" to be around. He truly does not seem capable of showing caring for anyone except himself, even on his best days, even when briefly sober. I and others tried to help him, and it went nowhere. And in my case, all I had to do was stop reaching out to him, because I knew he would never put in any effort to maintain the relationship. I honestly don't even get the sense that he noticed or cared when I decided to cut him off.
Just know that sometimes you have to save yourself, that sometimes you can't save someone from themselves, and your needs matter too.
I wish I had something constructive or helpful or comforting to add. I am so sorry you are going through this.
posted by litera scripta manet at 12:58 PM on January 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
Just know that sometimes you have to save yourself, that sometimes you can't save someone from themselves, and your needs matter too.
I wish I had something constructive or helpful or comforting to add. I am so sorry you are going through this.
posted by litera scripta manet at 12:58 PM on January 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
I feel that I cannot get this right.
Yep. You cannot build an delicious ice cream cake out of polyfilla joint compound, and you cannot learn to play the violin without a violin, and you cannot teach calculus to someone who can't understand multiplication.
You are trying very, very hard to make this work. If you are hoping for empathy, or buy in or gratitude or cooperation from your mother you are being unrealistic. That's how she ended up with the bipolar diagnosis. If she wasn't bipolar you could expect these things from her, and you could make it work. Only then she wouldn't need any help and you wouldn't have to do it.
I think scaling back your expectations is the best way to protect yourself. You'll hurt less, you're less likely to hurt her, and you might even have more successes.
There is a stage at which you stop trying to get someone to wear presentable clothes and just try to get them to come back into the house whenever they go outside in nothing but their underpants.
People who have not had close contact with severely troubled family members cannot understand this, and think that all you have to do is explain and then the problem is solved, or they think you must be lying about your relative. This bubble of denial that surrounds most people makes it easy for you to slip into thinking that there are simple solutions, like putting a note inside the front door to remind them to to run out on to the street without putting on trousers, or staying with them constantly to intercept them when they start to run outside, or finding the right anti-psychotic med for them, or drilling them in the steps of getting dressed. But in actual fact when someone is struggling with neurological issues there are no magic wands, or no magic words.
Maybe look for a support group of people with mentally ill family members. They will validate what you are doing and help you get a realistic perspective on what is really possible.
posted by Jane the Brown at 1:34 PM on January 16, 2023 [8 favorites]
Yep. You cannot build an delicious ice cream cake out of polyfilla joint compound, and you cannot learn to play the violin without a violin, and you cannot teach calculus to someone who can't understand multiplication.
You are trying very, very hard to make this work. If you are hoping for empathy, or buy in or gratitude or cooperation from your mother you are being unrealistic. That's how she ended up with the bipolar diagnosis. If she wasn't bipolar you could expect these things from her, and you could make it work. Only then she wouldn't need any help and you wouldn't have to do it.
I think scaling back your expectations is the best way to protect yourself. You'll hurt less, you're less likely to hurt her, and you might even have more successes.
There is a stage at which you stop trying to get someone to wear presentable clothes and just try to get them to come back into the house whenever they go outside in nothing but their underpants.
People who have not had close contact with severely troubled family members cannot understand this, and think that all you have to do is explain and then the problem is solved, or they think you must be lying about your relative. This bubble of denial that surrounds most people makes it easy for you to slip into thinking that there are simple solutions, like putting a note inside the front door to remind them to to run out on to the street without putting on trousers, or staying with them constantly to intercept them when they start to run outside, or finding the right anti-psychotic med for them, or drilling them in the steps of getting dressed. But in actual fact when someone is struggling with neurological issues there are no magic wands, or no magic words.
Maybe look for a support group of people with mentally ill family members. They will validate what you are doing and help you get a realistic perspective on what is really possible.
posted by Jane the Brown at 1:34 PM on January 16, 2023 [8 favorites]
You say: "The very sad thing is that when my mother is mentally stable, she is wonderful, and I feel very sad and lonely when she is like this."
My heart goes out to you. While they do not have bipolar disorder, I do have parents who are usually incredibly wonderful but sometimes incredibly disappointing in other ways. I'll spare you the examples but it's something that has affected me my entire life psychologically and that I've worked on in therapy. Until a few years ago, I would go from feeling so loved and supported to feeling so lonely and rejected, like I was truly alone in the world but then not because often they were the best ever, going above and beyond compared to even the average good parent. As an adult, I have learned a few ways to cope: I have found acceptance in recognizing their limitations, and acknowledging my disappointment and yearning. I can see the good stuff and value it but also not feel emotionally abandoned by the crap; I also realize their dissonance doesn't necessarily make sense but is not my fault. They're not bad but simply have their limitations. I have become incredibly self-reliant and found others to lean on. Financial stability and friendship are two of the most important things to me; having a therapy team who has validated and supported me in good and bad times has been amazing. What didn't work before was looking for a romantic relationship to fill the void I had -- it works for some people though but many of us are not that lucky and frankly at this point I'm grateful. Or I'd try to rescue and/or help others, which is not a healthy coping strategy either.
I know none of this is of logistical support and I know that a parent experience mania is different from one who's "just" being incredibly disappointing, even if it can be super soulcrushing. However, I can say that working on accepting things as being imperfect and at times incredibly devastating emotionally has really helped me. We can't stabilize their moods but we can work on steadying our own. <3
posted by smorgasbord at 6:25 PM on January 16, 2023 [4 favorites]
My heart goes out to you. While they do not have bipolar disorder, I do have parents who are usually incredibly wonderful but sometimes incredibly disappointing in other ways. I'll spare you the examples but it's something that has affected me my entire life psychologically and that I've worked on in therapy. Until a few years ago, I would go from feeling so loved and supported to feeling so lonely and rejected, like I was truly alone in the world but then not because often they were the best ever, going above and beyond compared to even the average good parent. As an adult, I have learned a few ways to cope: I have found acceptance in recognizing their limitations, and acknowledging my disappointment and yearning. I can see the good stuff and value it but also not feel emotionally abandoned by the crap; I also realize their dissonance doesn't necessarily make sense but is not my fault. They're not bad but simply have their limitations. I have become incredibly self-reliant and found others to lean on. Financial stability and friendship are two of the most important things to me; having a therapy team who has validated and supported me in good and bad times has been amazing. What didn't work before was looking for a romantic relationship to fill the void I had -- it works for some people though but many of us are not that lucky and frankly at this point I'm grateful. Or I'd try to rescue and/or help others, which is not a healthy coping strategy either.
I know none of this is of logistical support and I know that a parent experience mania is different from one who's "just" being incredibly disappointing, even if it can be super soulcrushing. However, I can say that working on accepting things as being imperfect and at times incredibly devastating emotionally has really helped me. We can't stabilize their moods but we can work on steadying our own. <3
posted by smorgasbord at 6:25 PM on January 16, 2023 [4 favorites]
My (single) mother had bipolar disorder. This manifested in her early 30s, when I was ten. She was hospitalized multiple times over the next several years. Our extended family took care of her, and family and friends took care of me. I bounced around to various households during her hospitalizations. When I graduated from high school, I had an opportunity to go far away to a very good college, so I moved 2,000 miles away, sight unseen.
Being far away from all of the chaos was good for me. Also we were poor and I didn't have money for travel back home, so I mostly stayed away during summers and winter breaks.
Also, me being away evidently was good for her. Her pattern of frequent hospitalizations stopped after I left for college.
As graduation approached, I knew she wanted to attend, so I decided to go home for Christmas break my senior year to get things a bit more settled in advance of June. I moved heaven and earth to get back to my hometown. We had a really good time during my vacation.
Within a month after my return to school she had her first psychotic break in years. Hounded me on my private land line until I disconnected it, then hounded the pay phone in my dorm. It was awful and nearly derailed me in the last two quarters of school. She didn't come to graduation. No one from my family did.
I hadn't done anything to provoke her break, but it was very clear that being close to her was not good for her and not good for me. I kept my distance for the rest of her life, with very rare exceptions. I never shared with her that I had children out of dread that nothing would stop her from showing up on my doorstep.
Our family (mainly her sister) cared for her after that. She was on SSI and had her own place and I don't believe was ever hospitalized again.
When she was very near death, someone figured out how to contact me. I flew back and watched her draw her last breath. She was not conscious during any part of my visit.
As this end game was developing, I was contacted through facebook by a distant acquaintance who called me a bad daughter and an ungrateful brat for having stayed away from my mother all those years. Figuring that I was likely to encounter similar hostility from her friends and acquaintances, I skipped the funeral. I had grieved the loss of my mother long before her death.
Distancing from my mother had meant distancing from everyone else in the larger family as well. Returning for the occasion of her death opened up new possibilities for being in touch with them. We will likely never be close but I am glad for the reconnection.
I wish like hell it could have been different, but it wasn't.
posted by Sublimity at 10:12 AM on January 17, 2023 [5 favorites]
Being far away from all of the chaos was good for me. Also we were poor and I didn't have money for travel back home, so I mostly stayed away during summers and winter breaks.
Also, me being away evidently was good for her. Her pattern of frequent hospitalizations stopped after I left for college.
As graduation approached, I knew she wanted to attend, so I decided to go home for Christmas break my senior year to get things a bit more settled in advance of June. I moved heaven and earth to get back to my hometown. We had a really good time during my vacation.
Within a month after my return to school she had her first psychotic break in years. Hounded me on my private land line until I disconnected it, then hounded the pay phone in my dorm. It was awful and nearly derailed me in the last two quarters of school. She didn't come to graduation. No one from my family did.
I hadn't done anything to provoke her break, but it was very clear that being close to her was not good for her and not good for me. I kept my distance for the rest of her life, with very rare exceptions. I never shared with her that I had children out of dread that nothing would stop her from showing up on my doorstep.
Our family (mainly her sister) cared for her after that. She was on SSI and had her own place and I don't believe was ever hospitalized again.
When she was very near death, someone figured out how to contact me. I flew back and watched her draw her last breath. She was not conscious during any part of my visit.
As this end game was developing, I was contacted through facebook by a distant acquaintance who called me a bad daughter and an ungrateful brat for having stayed away from my mother all those years. Figuring that I was likely to encounter similar hostility from her friends and acquaintances, I skipped the funeral. I had grieved the loss of my mother long before her death.
Distancing from my mother had meant distancing from everyone else in the larger family as well. Returning for the occasion of her death opened up new possibilities for being in touch with them. We will likely never be close but I am glad for the reconnection.
I wish like hell it could have been different, but it wasn't.
posted by Sublimity at 10:12 AM on January 17, 2023 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by terridrawsstuff at 8:06 AM on January 16, 2023 [3 favorites]