Help a child w/ alcoholic parents.
January 2, 2024 7:05 AM Subscribe
My sister and her husband drink too much. How can I help my nephew? What obligation do I have?
My sister and BIL drink a lot. Mostly my BIL. My sister drinks with him and I have been around just her and her son (7) a lot without her drinking. But my BIL is a full blown alcoholic (passing out at kids birthday parties, throwing up places, falling down and breaking his leg, can't take certain medication because of his alcoholism). Because of this and other reasons we are not close, at all. I have not personally witnessed drunk driving by my assumption is that if you are a drunk who drives, at some point you're going to drive drunk. My parents have told him he needs to stop drinking but have imposed no penalties. They watch their son while they go out, so are obviously enablers. I have my own kids who I am focused on protecting (which is why we do not go to their house and leave places where they are at if they are drinking too much, and generally avoid them). What else is there to do? I have no leeway, they think what they are doing is fine (they post their drunk videos on social media the day AFTER drinking, as if they are proud of them. Their kid is with them in these videos, sometimes at home where there are no other adults). My wife is a child of addicts and wishes someone would have helped her. But given that I don't interact with them that much, and don't enable them, I'm not sure what my obligation is at all, or if there's anything I can do that would actually help.
My sister and BIL drink a lot. Mostly my BIL. My sister drinks with him and I have been around just her and her son (7) a lot without her drinking. But my BIL is a full blown alcoholic (passing out at kids birthday parties, throwing up places, falling down and breaking his leg, can't take certain medication because of his alcoholism). Because of this and other reasons we are not close, at all. I have not personally witnessed drunk driving by my assumption is that if you are a drunk who drives, at some point you're going to drive drunk. My parents have told him he needs to stop drinking but have imposed no penalties. They watch their son while they go out, so are obviously enablers. I have my own kids who I am focused on protecting (which is why we do not go to their house and leave places where they are at if they are drinking too much, and generally avoid them). What else is there to do? I have no leeway, they think what they are doing is fine (they post their drunk videos on social media the day AFTER drinking, as if they are proud of them. Their kid is with them in these videos, sometimes at home where there are no other adults). My wife is a child of addicts and wishes someone would have helped her. But given that I don't interact with them that much, and don't enable them, I'm not sure what my obligation is at all, or if there's anything I can do that would actually help.
One of my kids' friends has violent parents. I want nothing to do with the adults in that family, but I wanted to help the kid, so what we do is a regularly scheduled sleepover, two nights a week at my place. This kid gets to witness and be at least peripherally a part of family interactions which are normal, family dinners which are eaten in a relaxed friendly atmosphere, that sort of thing. We also routinely include this kid in our local excursions, e.g. to see houses in our area lit up for christmas or when we went apple picking in the fall or if we're going to the local museum. It's just assumed that if we're doing something special we will ask (via text) whether this friend can be included. I keep a bare minimum civil relationship with the asshole parents just so they will keep letting their kid hang out with us regularly.
In the early days that we started doing this, the kid also needed basic supplies, essential daily support, and counseling. I was able to call the school and let them take the lead on getting this kid set up with the school counselor and signing up for food assistance via school. The gaps that were left by the school, I was able to fill - either on my own, or will the help of community resources. The kid now has decent underwear, sneakers, pajamas, snow boots, winter coat, etc. because we were able to get them from a church thrift shop and/or I had spare cash.
Since I reported the situation to the school, they made a CPS report and told the parents it was them who reported to CPS. I added in my report to CPS anonymously. CPS set up both family counseling and individual counseling for the kid (in addition to what was provided at school). For about 8 months they sent workers to the family home to monitor the situation. Then the dad (who was the main violent one) made up stories about the kid being out of control/suicidal/etc. and got CPS to drop the family case and just focus on the kid, smh. But regardless, those 8 months of monitoring by outside agents were a HUGE boon to this kid. It stabilized and improved the situation at home immensely. There still hasn't been an incident of violence ever since CPS monitoring began, even now at 4+ months after the monitoring ended. It was a wake up call for this kid's family.
The takeaways from this for you:
1. Try to set up regular time with your family for the kid. Age 7 is the PERFECT time for an already-damaged kid to reverse some of the damage by having access to a space where he can just be a child and focus solely on his own needs, instead of always having to be a precocious little mini-adult who must take care of himself and his parents. (With the kid our family is helping, it's much harder to reverse this specific type of damage. It will take way longer than the one year we have been helping, in order to see this kid be just a normal age-appropriate kid for once... instead of a frightened teen perpetually on guard for threats.)
2. Ascertain the ways in which this kid is being neglected, and try to fill those gaps - everything from clean underwear to medical appointments, whatever you can do will be helpful. Lean on community resources.
3. Call up the kid's school and let them know what his home situation is. Ask if the school can set him up with regular appointments with the school counselor. They won't need to tell the parents that you "informed" on them - you can ask to remain anonymous.
4. Consider reporting your BIL and sister to CPS if the neglect turns out to be bad (which, it sounds like it will likely be?). CPS doesn't generally take the kids away from the parents unless the child's life is in danger. They simply don't have the resources! Rather, what they'll likely do is set up counseling and monitoring services for the whole family. You can make CPS reports anonymously, and you can also get the school to make the CPS report so that you stay completely out of that particular quagmire.
posted by MiraK at 9:08 AM on January 2 [36 favorites]
In the early days that we started doing this, the kid also needed basic supplies, essential daily support, and counseling. I was able to call the school and let them take the lead on getting this kid set up with the school counselor and signing up for food assistance via school. The gaps that were left by the school, I was able to fill - either on my own, or will the help of community resources. The kid now has decent underwear, sneakers, pajamas, snow boots, winter coat, etc. because we were able to get them from a church thrift shop and/or I had spare cash.
Since I reported the situation to the school, they made a CPS report and told the parents it was them who reported to CPS. I added in my report to CPS anonymously. CPS set up both family counseling and individual counseling for the kid (in addition to what was provided at school). For about 8 months they sent workers to the family home to monitor the situation. Then the dad (who was the main violent one) made up stories about the kid being out of control/suicidal/etc. and got CPS to drop the family case and just focus on the kid, smh. But regardless, those 8 months of monitoring by outside agents were a HUGE boon to this kid. It stabilized and improved the situation at home immensely. There still hasn't been an incident of violence ever since CPS monitoring began, even now at 4+ months after the monitoring ended. It was a wake up call for this kid's family.
The takeaways from this for you:
1. Try to set up regular time with your family for the kid. Age 7 is the PERFECT time for an already-damaged kid to reverse some of the damage by having access to a space where he can just be a child and focus solely on his own needs, instead of always having to be a precocious little mini-adult who must take care of himself and his parents. (With the kid our family is helping, it's much harder to reverse this specific type of damage. It will take way longer than the one year we have been helping, in order to see this kid be just a normal age-appropriate kid for once... instead of a frightened teen perpetually on guard for threats.)
2. Ascertain the ways in which this kid is being neglected, and try to fill those gaps - everything from clean underwear to medical appointments, whatever you can do will be helpful. Lean on community resources.
3. Call up the kid's school and let them know what his home situation is. Ask if the school can set him up with regular appointments with the school counselor. They won't need to tell the parents that you "informed" on them - you can ask to remain anonymous.
4. Consider reporting your BIL and sister to CPS if the neglect turns out to be bad (which, it sounds like it will likely be?). CPS doesn't generally take the kids away from the parents unless the child's life is in danger. They simply don't have the resources! Rather, what they'll likely do is set up counseling and monitoring services for the whole family. You can make CPS reports anonymously, and you can also get the school to make the CPS report so that you stay completely out of that particular quagmire.
posted by MiraK at 9:08 AM on January 2 [36 favorites]
My mother was an alcoholic and my father died when I was 12 -- and in many ways he was quite absent before that. I was severely underparented. I've read and heard that when a kid in a really suboptimal parenting situation has one solid, caring adult in their life it can make a big difference. I didn't have such an adult, but I wish I had. I'm not sure you can force yourself into that role, but you can keep your eyes open, spend time with the kid, and maybe you and your wife can be caring, solid, stable adults that matter to him.
posted by swheatie at 9:18 AM on January 2 [4 favorites]
posted by swheatie at 9:18 AM on January 2 [4 favorites]
My father was an alcoholic. Best thing my mother ever did was to make it very clear that it was an illness, and that he might never recover, but that he loved me the best way he knew how. She made sure that I heard that regularly, and anytime there was an incident, that I knew it had nothing to do with me. He didn't drink because of me.
Tehre's a lot of other stuff wrapped around the alcoholism, but now I look back and hearing from my mum that it was an illness, the same as MS, or cancer etc helped. A lot.
posted by Ftsqg at 9:50 AM on January 2 [9 favorites]
Tehre's a lot of other stuff wrapped around the alcoholism, but now I look back and hearing from my mum that it was an illness, the same as MS, or cancer etc helped. A lot.
posted by Ftsqg at 9:50 AM on January 2 [9 favorites]
I didn't grow up in a household with addiction, but I did grow up with abuse. The best best best thing that helped to offset that was having other adults in my life who consistently cared about me. I spent tons of weekends at my best friend's house and her parents included me in some family trips, dinners at home and out, and outings to see shows or go antiquing with her dad. I don't know that her family was necessarily normal either, but seeing inside another family was so good and stabilizing. When she moved away I really suffered until I connected with a high school teacher and spent basically all my time in his office. He got me through high school and then I left town and never looked back.
Which is all to say, if you can have a standing date with this kid, take them on weekends or help do pickups or whatever you can commit to doing regularly, and gradually nurture a relationship independent of the parents, you would be doing the whole family a blessing. Find out about his school or sports/extracurricular events, and show up and cheer him on. Find out about his interests and see if you can take him out to engage with them. Your sister would probably appreciate the childcare, your nephew would benefit from having another adult in his life, and you're able to keep a finger on the pulse of what's going on in case things boil up to the crisis level. Which they will, eventually, in one way or another, and having you there as someone he already knows intimately and trusts can be a real stabilizing force in his life. You don't even have to make it A Thing with his parents if you think that conversation will go badly. Just show up for him, a lot, like on a weekly basis, from now on, and be part of his village.
posted by bowtiesarecool at 9:52 AM on January 2 [10 favorites]
Which is all to say, if you can have a standing date with this kid, take them on weekends or help do pickups or whatever you can commit to doing regularly, and gradually nurture a relationship independent of the parents, you would be doing the whole family a blessing. Find out about his school or sports/extracurricular events, and show up and cheer him on. Find out about his interests and see if you can take him out to engage with them. Your sister would probably appreciate the childcare, your nephew would benefit from having another adult in his life, and you're able to keep a finger on the pulse of what's going on in case things boil up to the crisis level. Which they will, eventually, in one way or another, and having you there as someone he already knows intimately and trusts can be a real stabilizing force in his life. You don't even have to make it A Thing with his parents if you think that conversation will go badly. Just show up for him, a lot, like on a weekly basis, from now on, and be part of his village.
posted by bowtiesarecool at 9:52 AM on January 2 [10 favorites]
Validate what they see hear and feel.
Model and teach healthy family behaviors and coping.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:59 AM on January 2 [4 favorites]
Model and teach healthy family behaviors and coping.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:59 AM on January 2 [4 favorites]
They watch their son while they go out, so are obviously enablers.
What your parents are doing is exactly what I would suggest. Create bonds with your nephew and make regular activities where they can join you. One sort of low-key way to do that is, if you live close enough, sign them up for an activity they and your own kids like and can do together (on the same night if they can't be in the same class/team/etc.), and then have that be their night with you, maybe for dinner afterwards or even a sleepover. Having a stable place and a caring adult (or two) makes a big difference.
Since you are the sibling, Al-Anon might be a good idea for you and it might help your wife too.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:18 AM on January 2 [19 favorites]
What your parents are doing is exactly what I would suggest. Create bonds with your nephew and make regular activities where they can join you. One sort of low-key way to do that is, if you live close enough, sign them up for an activity they and your own kids like and can do together (on the same night if they can't be in the same class/team/etc.), and then have that be their night with you, maybe for dinner afterwards or even a sleepover. Having a stable place and a caring adult (or two) makes a big difference.
Since you are the sibling, Al-Anon might be a good idea for you and it might help your wife too.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:18 AM on January 2 [19 favorites]
I agree with all the comments focused on being a presence in the kid’s life in a meaningful way.
It’s not reasonable to expect your parents to “impose penalties” (whatever that means) on another adult esp one who isn’t even their offspring. They aren’t “enablers” by assuring that your nephew has a safe and loving space to spend time. It might be helpful to focus off of “this is so bad and must stop” to “how can we minimize harm in this situation.”
posted by jeoc at 10:54 AM on January 2 [23 favorites]
It’s not reasonable to expect your parents to “impose penalties” (whatever that means) on another adult esp one who isn’t even their offspring. They aren’t “enablers” by assuring that your nephew has a safe and loving space to spend time. It might be helpful to focus off of “this is so bad and must stop” to “how can we minimize harm in this situation.”
posted by jeoc at 10:54 AM on January 2 [23 favorites]
I grew up in an alcoholic household. My aunt made her home a safe space for me. Unfortunately she lived 70 miles away and so I was only able to stay with her in school holidays, but knowing I had that place of safety meant the world to me. Make sure your nephew knows that you are there for him, and include him in your and your family's lives as much as you can.
posted by essexjan at 11:01 AM on January 2 [3 favorites]
posted by essexjan at 11:01 AM on January 2 [3 favorites]
Two years of afternoons and weekends at my grade school best friend’s house fundamentally changed the arc of my life for good. Include your nephew in your family life.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 3:18 PM on January 2 [10 favorites]
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 3:18 PM on January 2 [10 favorites]
There is no way to punish alcoholic parents that does not become punishment for the child.
Your parents are 100% doing exactly the best thing for that child - they give a safe space for him away from the parents. The 'obviously' is troubling - I think you have a bit of unpacking around your own understanding of alcoholism to do. People don't drink like that for fun. It's often self medication that gets out of hand with no clear road to recovery, and with the damage that drove it waiting at the end.
The advice above is solid, especially from theora55 and MiraK. Harm minimization strategies are far more important right now. Making sure he has somewhere to be a kid, has his basic needs met (underwear that fits is a big deal - I had a lot of drama as a child that meant I often had ill fitting clothes growing up and underwear that fits, stays up, and is clean is huge) and has safe adults who can listen to him without judgement.
The 'without judgement' part sounds like its going to be hard for you. There's a lot of judgement in your post, some of it pretty reasonable and others not so much. That kid is going to have opinions about their parents that may not gel with your experiences, or that seems counter-intuitive to you - very often kids in abusive and neglectful homes still unconditionally love their parents and will be wounded if you speak ill of them in their presence. It can be really hard to hear that when you know how badly they're being let down.
posted by Jilder at 4:57 PM on January 2 [10 favorites]
Your parents are 100% doing exactly the best thing for that child - they give a safe space for him away from the parents. The 'obviously' is troubling - I think you have a bit of unpacking around your own understanding of alcoholism to do. People don't drink like that for fun. It's often self medication that gets out of hand with no clear road to recovery, and with the damage that drove it waiting at the end.
The advice above is solid, especially from theora55 and MiraK. Harm minimization strategies are far more important right now. Making sure he has somewhere to be a kid, has his basic needs met (underwear that fits is a big deal - I had a lot of drama as a child that meant I often had ill fitting clothes growing up and underwear that fits, stays up, and is clean is huge) and has safe adults who can listen to him without judgement.
The 'without judgement' part sounds like its going to be hard for you. There's a lot of judgement in your post, some of it pretty reasonable and others not so much. That kid is going to have opinions about their parents that may not gel with your experiences, or that seems counter-intuitive to you - very often kids in abusive and neglectful homes still unconditionally love their parents and will be wounded if you speak ill of them in their presence. It can be really hard to hear that when you know how badly they're being let down.
posted by Jilder at 4:57 PM on January 2 [10 favorites]
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You can offer support to the adults if they choose t o change their behavior; you can have 1 discussion, tell them you see the effect the alcohol is having and offer help. They are aware, and probably unable and unwilling to change. The B-I-L's addiction sounds severe, and it is likely to shorten his life by quite a bit.
The grandparents taking care of the kids is not entirely enabling. Be careful of the culture of alcoholism; judging doesn't help. I used to go to Al-Anon meetings and heard some of the worst pop psychology bandied about as truth. you can model compassion along with a clear understanding that alcoholism is dangerous.
posted by theora55 at 7:17 AM on January 2 [47 favorites]