Breakup blues, four months in, any tips on how to get better?
November 25, 2023 1:48 PM Subscribe
I had to end a verbally abusive 11-year relationship with my former partner in early August, and I am finding it so difficult to move on; even though he treated me like dirt at times, I can't help but cry all the time and think about the good times we had even if it went sour in the end. A part of me wants him back, but I know it is best to move forward. He is also giving me the silent treatment for kicking him out of my condo.
What are some ways to move forward, keep busy, and not let the breakup bother me so much? I do not have many friends in the area, so it is lonely at times. I do have my cat, and I know many older folks in my condo building, and talking to them helps, and some family members, but it still isn't enough. Would joining a club or attending more artsy and music events help? I started mountain biking but am still a bit out of shape from it. I want to move forward as quickly as possible, but the whole thing is bogging me down pretty badly. I have no plans this weekend, as my friends are busy and relatives, so if there is any advice on how to improve, move on, and get better, that would be great.
What are some ways to move forward, keep busy, and not let the breakup bother me so much? I do not have many friends in the area, so it is lonely at times. I do have my cat, and I know many older folks in my condo building, and talking to them helps, and some family members, but it still isn't enough. Would joining a club or attending more artsy and music events help? I started mountain biking but am still a bit out of shape from it. I want to move forward as quickly as possible, but the whole thing is bogging me down pretty badly. I have no plans this weekend, as my friends are busy and relatives, so if there is any advice on how to improve, move on, and get better, that would be great.
As somebody who ended a longterm relationship a little over two and a half years ago, I heartily recommend:
Rewatching ALL of your favorite movies and tv shows (books too!)
Hourslong outdoor activities (hikes, bike rides, walks)
New brain and hand occupying craftsy stuff (crochet, knitting, underwater basketweaving)
Anything that will get you out of the house and not staring at your phone
You can do this!
You shouldn't be caring even the tiniest bit about his so-called silent treatment, since you should not be in contact with him AT ALL. For at least a year.
Yes, you can do this! I know you can.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 2:33 PM on November 25, 2023 [11 favorites]
Rewatching ALL of your favorite movies and tv shows (books too!)
Hourslong outdoor activities (hikes, bike rides, walks)
New brain and hand occupying craftsy stuff (crochet, knitting, underwater basketweaving)
Anything that will get you out of the house and not staring at your phone
You can do this!
You shouldn't be caring even the tiniest bit about his so-called silent treatment, since you should not be in contact with him AT ALL. For at least a year.
Yes, you can do this! I know you can.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 2:33 PM on November 25, 2023 [11 favorites]
the silent treatment is working in your favor. I guarantee as soon as you start mending/moving on he'll suddenly want to be in your life. at which point it's your turn to give him the silent treatment to protect yourself.
it sucks now but just fill small blocks of time. go for a walk, see dumb movies by yourself, binge a show you loved. you don't need to fill your weekend, just the next hour or so. then do it again.
posted by noloveforned at 3:38 PM on November 25, 2023 [23 favorites]
it sucks now but just fill small blocks of time. go for a walk, see dumb movies by yourself, binge a show you loved. you don't need to fill your weekend, just the next hour or so. then do it again.
posted by noloveforned at 3:38 PM on November 25, 2023 [23 favorites]
Get new bedding, and if you can redecorate or refresh your condo even just a little, do that.
A club and cultural activities would help a lot. Physical activity is really helpful, and you've got that covered. Keep that up!
posted by jgirl at 3:45 PM on November 25, 2023 [8 favorites]
A club and cultural activities would help a lot. Physical activity is really helpful, and you've got that covered. Keep that up!
posted by jgirl at 3:45 PM on November 25, 2023 [8 favorites]
Engaging your brain with new things will probably help a lot. For me it's easiest to do that with other people, so activities with friends or getting to know new people would work best, but when that's not viable intellectual and physical pursuits work well too: dive into learning something new or geeking out about a new exercise routine or becoming obsessed with woodworking, etc.
You should go no contact with your ex; every interaction you have with them is going to drag you back. So if they stop giving YOU the silent treatment, let them know that you need space and they should not contact you, and mute their number.
posted by metasarah at 3:47 PM on November 25, 2023 [9 favorites]
You should go no contact with your ex; every interaction you have with them is going to drag you back. So if they stop giving YOU the silent treatment, let them know that you need space and they should not contact you, and mute their number.
posted by metasarah at 3:47 PM on November 25, 2023 [9 favorites]
Oh, and I also found it helpful after breakups to consciously replace roles my ex was filling. After one, I got weekly massages for a while; it wasn't really in my budget but it was an enormous help. After another I bought a heated bedwarmer and started fostering rescue dogs. If they, say, always cooked you dinner on Friday nights, it might be good for you to make other consistent plans for Friday nights.
posted by metasarah at 3:51 PM on November 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 3:51 PM on November 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
Take some classes. I’ve done art classes, intro to bridge, yoga for mental health, parenting, etc etc. Great way to build community and gain confidence in a new skill. Knowing that I have a three hour art class every Sunday makes my weekend seem full.
posted by shock muppet at 4:15 PM on November 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by shock muppet at 4:15 PM on November 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
Do you like to cook? In my worst breakup from a long term relationship I would take a whole Saturday or Sunday to make a big batch of something. Plan shopping lists over coffee, go to the nice market, get my fave empanadas, have a nice glass of wine while I prep and listen to something great...You get the idea. Taking care of myself like that really helped.
posted by dazedandconfused at 5:55 PM on November 25, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by dazedandconfused at 5:55 PM on November 25, 2023 [5 favorites]
The best way to heal is to help others who are hurting. How about volunteering at a women's shelter?
posted by summerstorm at 8:18 PM on November 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by summerstorm at 8:18 PM on November 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
Take care of the basics every day, give yourself a lot of time to cry and journal and feel bad. Reach out to the friends you do have in the area and let them know you’re struggling after a break up and would appreciate spending some time together soon. Trying to force yourself to be over something before it’s time doesn’t work. Do the things others have suggested if they seem like a good idea, but don’t expect them to help you get over the breakup faster, getting over it will happen gradually without you really noticing it, you’re exactly where you should be right now.
posted by chives at 3:18 AM on November 26, 2023
posted by chives at 3:18 AM on November 26, 2023
I'm almost 3 months out from the biggest breakup / heartbreak of my life and honestly I feel relatively good in spite of it all. Here's what's been helping me:
- Focus on the bad of your relationship, not the good. Make a list in your phone of all the things you're happy to be rid of with the relationship ending, from the large (not being verbally abused anymore!!! huge) to the petty (being able to eat that one type of food he didn't like, not having to see the annoying friend of his anymore, etc.)
- To the extent that good memories come up, reframe those as general positives or characteristics to keep in mind for future partners, or begin to understand it as knowledge about yourself (e.g. I feel loved when I experience XYZ with a partner)
- Try to get "the ick" - this is probably the #1 thing that has helped me move on. "The ick" is a modern dating term for when you get grossed out by something about someone to the point that you're turned off and no longer interested in being with them. In early dating this can happen due to a very small thing, yet it's quite a bit harder to find when you're attached and in love with someone. However, if you were being verbally abused, I guarantee there are horrifying, disgusting aspects of his personality that disqualify him from being a good partner. Try to get grossed out by one or more of these. For me it was one or two cringey stories my friends had about my ex that got me over this hump.
- Lean into friendships. Use the breakup as a reason to call friends you haven't spoken to for a while or to consciously invest in friendships that haven't gotten as much attention lately. There were probably some friendships taking a back seat as you dealt with the abuse and figuring out whether to leave him throughout this year. If there's anyone on the horizon in terms of new friends, lean into those opportunities too - people that never even knew you with your ex. That helps to establish your identity as an individual moving forward.
- Get some mental / physical space from your life with your ex. This is partially what the hobbies are about as well. For me traveling has helped and just creating a lot of experiences between the breakup and now. Dating & sex are positives in this category for me too, to the extent that I am doing it all very much for my own fun / unseriously, and it's yet another way to create new experiences.
- Embrace the positives of being single. Like you I was not single for close to 12 years before this and it's been an interesting shift. For me, being totally in control of my own life is the big win, and not having anyone close to me tearing me down anymore / negatively impacting my self image is great for my mental health. Bad relationships do hold you back to some extent, so try to understand where that was happening.
Overall I'm still quite angry and upset about my own breakup, however I'm trying to make sure that I'm making my own life as good as I can in the meantime as I process everything.
posted by internet of pillows at 5:43 AM on November 26, 2023 [5 favorites]
- Focus on the bad of your relationship, not the good. Make a list in your phone of all the things you're happy to be rid of with the relationship ending, from the large (not being verbally abused anymore!!! huge) to the petty (being able to eat that one type of food he didn't like, not having to see the annoying friend of his anymore, etc.)
- To the extent that good memories come up, reframe those as general positives or characteristics to keep in mind for future partners, or begin to understand it as knowledge about yourself (e.g. I feel loved when I experience XYZ with a partner)
- Try to get "the ick" - this is probably the #1 thing that has helped me move on. "The ick" is a modern dating term for when you get grossed out by something about someone to the point that you're turned off and no longer interested in being with them. In early dating this can happen due to a very small thing, yet it's quite a bit harder to find when you're attached and in love with someone. However, if you were being verbally abused, I guarantee there are horrifying, disgusting aspects of his personality that disqualify him from being a good partner. Try to get grossed out by one or more of these. For me it was one or two cringey stories my friends had about my ex that got me over this hump.
- Lean into friendships. Use the breakup as a reason to call friends you haven't spoken to for a while or to consciously invest in friendships that haven't gotten as much attention lately. There were probably some friendships taking a back seat as you dealt with the abuse and figuring out whether to leave him throughout this year. If there's anyone on the horizon in terms of new friends, lean into those opportunities too - people that never even knew you with your ex. That helps to establish your identity as an individual moving forward.
- Get some mental / physical space from your life with your ex. This is partially what the hobbies are about as well. For me traveling has helped and just creating a lot of experiences between the breakup and now. Dating & sex are positives in this category for me too, to the extent that I am doing it all very much for my own fun / unseriously, and it's yet another way to create new experiences.
- Embrace the positives of being single. Like you I was not single for close to 12 years before this and it's been an interesting shift. For me, being totally in control of my own life is the big win, and not having anyone close to me tearing me down anymore / negatively impacting my self image is great for my mental health. Bad relationships do hold you back to some extent, so try to understand where that was happening.
Overall I'm still quite angry and upset about my own breakup, however I'm trying to make sure that I'm making my own life as good as I can in the meantime as I process everything.
posted by internet of pillows at 5:43 AM on November 26, 2023 [5 favorites]
You talk about the good times we had even if it went sour in the end
I'm pretty sure that's not the real story. He didn't suddenly become abusive at the end. You need to tell yourself a more realistic story of this relationship. Sprinkled throughout the relationship there were warning signs and abusive behavior, mixed in with the good stuff.
Humans tend towards black and white thinking. It was good until it was bad. I'm sure the reality was more nuanced. Maybe it was mostly good and gradually got worse and worse but even at the end there were still sparks of good.
My advice is spend time thinking more realistically about the mix of good and bad. Admit that the good was nice but also be realistic that the overall balance was bad and you made the right decision to end it. Don't dwell in a false memory of the "good times" - it will lead you to unnecessary heartache and keep you from focusing on your future.
posted by metahawk at 9:27 AM on November 26, 2023 [4 favorites]
I'm pretty sure that's not the real story. He didn't suddenly become abusive at the end. You need to tell yourself a more realistic story of this relationship. Sprinkled throughout the relationship there were warning signs and abusive behavior, mixed in with the good stuff.
Humans tend towards black and white thinking. It was good until it was bad. I'm sure the reality was more nuanced. Maybe it was mostly good and gradually got worse and worse but even at the end there were still sparks of good.
My advice is spend time thinking more realistically about the mix of good and bad. Admit that the good was nice but also be realistic that the overall balance was bad and you made the right decision to end it. Don't dwell in a false memory of the "good times" - it will lead you to unnecessary heartache and keep you from focusing on your future.
posted by metahawk at 9:27 AM on November 26, 2023 [4 favorites]
Being busy is certainly a help from being stuck along with your thoughts all the time, when you're probably not going to be able to think really clearly about this relationship for about a year after the breakup. But it's totally okay for this to be a mixed bag, you don't have to get a second job or throw all your free time into one volunteer position. This is a great time to dip your toe into a hundred different interests, and this is a great way to rediscover who you are and what you do/don't like to do.
One of my big space-fillers in the pandemic was finding random stuff to learn on youtube. I still try to do one Learning Thing every weekend, but some of my favorites:
- learning digital illustration, either with Procreate on an ipad or get a cheap drawing tablet and do tutorials on Krita digital illustration
- pencil/paper drawing
- Excel tutorials
- juggling (try scarves to start - you can't break anything but maybe your own bones)
- routine cleaning and maintenance (have you vacuumed the back of your fridge lately/ever?)
- clothing mending
- pizza dough
- physical therapy mobility exercises
- tai chi
Additionally, it can help to kind of theme your days - similar to Taco Tuesday, maybe that's also Tai Chi and Tea Tuesday. Wednesdays are for your Watch List. Maybe one night or weekend day is for volunteer work. Maybe make a list of places in your city/region/neighborhood you've always meant to visit and pick one every Sunday morning to go do.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:23 AM on November 26, 2023 [4 favorites]
One of my big space-fillers in the pandemic was finding random stuff to learn on youtube. I still try to do one Learning Thing every weekend, but some of my favorites:
- learning digital illustration, either with Procreate on an ipad or get a cheap drawing tablet and do tutorials on Krita digital illustration
- pencil/paper drawing
- Excel tutorials
- juggling (try scarves to start - you can't break anything but maybe your own bones)
- routine cleaning and maintenance (have you vacuumed the back of your fridge lately/ever?)
- clothing mending
- pizza dough
- physical therapy mobility exercises
- tai chi
Additionally, it can help to kind of theme your days - similar to Taco Tuesday, maybe that's also Tai Chi and Tea Tuesday. Wednesdays are for your Watch List. Maybe one night or weekend day is for volunteer work. Maybe make a list of places in your city/region/neighborhood you've always meant to visit and pick one every Sunday morning to go do.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:23 AM on November 26, 2023 [4 favorites]
This will echo some of the advice above, but here are my thoughts:
- Start doing at least one new activity that has nothing to do with with anything you were doing while you guys were together. My best example was when I started a kickboxing class after a breakup. Totally new space, new people, doing something I'd never done before. It must be something that requires your full attention, because the goal is to break up your brain's thought patterns, and also give it a totally new path to focus one, even for just the time it takes to do the activity. The mountain biking sounds awesome – maybe there's a club nearby that is open to beginners? Also, REI has some pretty cool trips that often cater to hobbies like this. Might be worth checking out!
- Get rid of all signs of the person. Shove all photos, trinkets, etc into a box and then shove that deep into a closet and cover it with other stuff. Have nothing in sight that involves the ex, as much as possible. Along the same lines, make your home YOURS. If you lived together, the best thing is to straight up move, but these days that can be quite a tall order. Another example from my life was when I got a new bed after a breakup (the old one really was super old, so it was kinda necessary anyway), and I referred to it as The Bed Without Baggage. I know beds are expensive...but new sheets are doable. New pillows that your ex has never slept on are doable. A new cozy blanket for the couch they've never been under. Etc...
- Now this is highly variable depending on the individual, but the phrase "to get over someone, you should get *under* someone" exists for a reason. Even if sleeping with someone else doesn't sound appealing, getting some positive attention from a different person can do wonders. YMMV, obv!
- Lastly, don't be afraid to seek out some therapy. The last time I was caught up in grief over someone, I sought out a therapist who was able to listen to my experience and very clearly and objectively help me see a) Why I was so caught up in someone despite the piles of evidence that this person wasn't good for me, b) What I was really seeking in a relationship and how I could go about finding what I needed/wanted for myself and also with a partner in the future, and c) How to re-prioritize myself and my needs, as well as add perspective to my past situation and how I can best move forward. I know cost can be a factor, but some jobs offer a set number of counseling sessions as part of their benefits packages. I encourage you to research any resources you may have along these lines.
Ps. You WILL get through this. You are actively getting through it as I write this. It may not feel like it, but you are growing as a person right now, and now you get to focus on what is right for YOU and what YOU need, without worrying about anyone else. Well, except for the cat. The cat gets your love too :)
posted by Molasses808 at 3:46 PM on November 26, 2023 [3 favorites]
- Start doing at least one new activity that has nothing to do with with anything you were doing while you guys were together. My best example was when I started a kickboxing class after a breakup. Totally new space, new people, doing something I'd never done before. It must be something that requires your full attention, because the goal is to break up your brain's thought patterns, and also give it a totally new path to focus one, even for just the time it takes to do the activity. The mountain biking sounds awesome – maybe there's a club nearby that is open to beginners? Also, REI has some pretty cool trips that often cater to hobbies like this. Might be worth checking out!
- Get rid of all signs of the person. Shove all photos, trinkets, etc into a box and then shove that deep into a closet and cover it with other stuff. Have nothing in sight that involves the ex, as much as possible. Along the same lines, make your home YOURS. If you lived together, the best thing is to straight up move, but these days that can be quite a tall order. Another example from my life was when I got a new bed after a breakup (the old one really was super old, so it was kinda necessary anyway), and I referred to it as The Bed Without Baggage. I know beds are expensive...but new sheets are doable. New pillows that your ex has never slept on are doable. A new cozy blanket for the couch they've never been under. Etc...
- Now this is highly variable depending on the individual, but the phrase "to get over someone, you should get *under* someone" exists for a reason. Even if sleeping with someone else doesn't sound appealing, getting some positive attention from a different person can do wonders. YMMV, obv!
- Lastly, don't be afraid to seek out some therapy. The last time I was caught up in grief over someone, I sought out a therapist who was able to listen to my experience and very clearly and objectively help me see a) Why I was so caught up in someone despite the piles of evidence that this person wasn't good for me, b) What I was really seeking in a relationship and how I could go about finding what I needed/wanted for myself and also with a partner in the future, and c) How to re-prioritize myself and my needs, as well as add perspective to my past situation and how I can best move forward. I know cost can be a factor, but some jobs offer a set number of counseling sessions as part of their benefits packages. I encourage you to research any resources you may have along these lines.
Ps. You WILL get through this. You are actively getting through it as I write this. It may not feel like it, but you are growing as a person right now, and now you get to focus on what is right for YOU and what YOU need, without worrying about anyone else. Well, except for the cat. The cat gets your love too :)
posted by Molasses808 at 3:46 PM on November 26, 2023 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: @Molasses808 Thank you, that means a lot. :)
posted by RearWindow at 4:37 PM on November 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by RearWindow at 4:37 PM on November 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
Lots of good advice above.
Nth no contact with him. If he manages to "accidentally" run into you, tell him (politely) in no uncertain terms that you don't want any contact with him. Don't discuss it with him; tell him and walk away. I say politely because losing your temper during such a meeting could blow back on you in a moment of weakness.
After eleven years, you can finally see yourself through your own eyes. Was there something you wanted to do that you avoided because he might have disapproved or discouraged? Check it out.
Cats understand this stuff. Pet your kitty.
posted by mule98J at 11:37 AM on November 27, 2023 [1 favorite]
Nth no contact with him. If he manages to "accidentally" run into you, tell him (politely) in no uncertain terms that you don't want any contact with him. Don't discuss it with him; tell him and walk away. I say politely because losing your temper during such a meeting could blow back on you in a moment of weakness.
After eleven years, you can finally see yourself through your own eyes. Was there something you wanted to do that you avoided because he might have disapproved or discouraged? Check it out.
Cats understand this stuff. Pet your kitty.
posted by mule98J at 11:37 AM on November 27, 2023 [1 favorite]
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To get through to the other side of wanting that abusive man back, I recommend journalling every day, letting yourself feel the feels, reading a lot about patterns that led you to stay for so long, and therapy if affordable.
It sounds like you are looking for distractions and time filling. They won't get you through until you can really unpack why you allowed the relationship to go on as it did. No blame, just be honest to yourself.
posted by Thella at 2:23 PM on November 25, 2023 [5 favorites]