Resources for learning how to do emotional labor: corporate environment
October 22, 2023 11:24 PM Subscribe
I am realizing that my job requires emotional labor. Help me to learn how to do it.
I am starting to realize that the job includes a lot of emotional labor and I am failing at this. I mean emotional labor in both the original sense and also the way it is thrown around on metafilter and in popular media.
For example, I am expected to:
I am starting to realize that the job includes a lot of emotional labor and I am failing at this. I mean emotional labor in both the original sense and also the way it is thrown around on metafilter and in popular media.
For example, I am expected to:
- Admire and be impressed by particular people, including the upper management.
- Like and agree with decisions made by others -- so if I say "we could do A or B and I think we should do A because of these reasons" and my boss says "I think we should do B, for those reasons" I currently say "Ok" and do B as asked. But I'm realizing that I'm not just supposed to say I will do it and do it, but to agree with and admire the decision. I do not say "ok" in any tone indicating disagreement. I usually say it by email, so there isn't even any possibility of a tone, and "ok" is also what I say if the boss says to do the thing I am suggesting.
- Express some sort of gratitude for things I am entitled to. For example, in an impromptu meeting with my boss we stop at noon because it is lunchtime and I have lunch plans, I see this is as just basic courtesy/respect/labor laws not as some beneficence I am being granted. I think I'm supposed to be effusively grateful and somehow willing to "make it up" by staying late or coming back from lunch early.
- Similarly, I'm supposed to express willingness and not be put out at all by working overtime without extra pay but if I take a day off which I'm entitled to I should somehow be sorry to have put people out by working that day. Like I'm supposed to be a team player and have the company's back but the company is definitely not expected to be a team player who has my back. I understand the part where capitalism, but I'm talking about the emotional labor where I'm supposed to be grateful and apologetic for taking a day off and keep sweet about working overtime and missing dinner or having dinner at my desk.
That’s bootlicking, not emotional labour. Completely different skillsets. You can be a great bootlicker by dissociating and performing the necessary ceremonies (at a cost to your mental health) but you cannot dissociate and become an effective emotional labourer.
I encourage you to read books like “The Good Enough Job” by Simone Stolzoff, and consider how important it really is to succeed at a job like this. Most likely, it’s fine if you just take your pay cheque and don’t strive for more. If you can avoid bootlicking and stay employed, do it. You don’t need to be a success at that.
posted by shock muppet at 12:40 AM on October 23, 2023 [33 favorites]
I encourage you to read books like “The Good Enough Job” by Simone Stolzoff, and consider how important it really is to succeed at a job like this. Most likely, it’s fine if you just take your pay cheque and don’t strive for more. If you can avoid bootlicking and stay employed, do it. You don’t need to be a success at that.
posted by shock muppet at 12:40 AM on October 23, 2023 [33 favorites]
Agree with the above posters that this particular skill set might be more accurately described as navigating office politics, rather than emotional labour. They’re not unrelated, and can both feel equally thankless and draining. I can highly recommend the following book: Secrets to Winning at Office Politics. Don’t let the cringeworthy title deter you- I found it to be a really smart, practical and comprehensive guide to office politics. Very educational. I think you would find helpful guidance in there for all of the situations you describe.
It’s great that you asked this question, and acknowledged that you are beginning to feel resentful. Office politics are simply a fact of life in most jobs, and in my own experience once I accepted that fact, and focused instead on trying to navigate them more skilfully, and perhaps even trying to be a little more strategic (in what I hope has been mostly an honest and values-led way) I felt less resentful and frustrated.
If you have particular colleagues who are disproportionately costing you mental and emotional energy, I can also recommend this book, Working With You is Killing Me which I clung to like a life raft in one particularly dysfunctional team situation.
Good luck in managing this extra layer of work. It definitely IS work, you’re not wrong there.
posted by Weng at 3:05 AM on October 23, 2023 [10 favorites]
It’s great that you asked this question, and acknowledged that you are beginning to feel resentful. Office politics are simply a fact of life in most jobs, and in my own experience once I accepted that fact, and focused instead on trying to navigate them more skilfully, and perhaps even trying to be a little more strategic (in what I hope has been mostly an honest and values-led way) I felt less resentful and frustrated.
If you have particular colleagues who are disproportionately costing you mental and emotional energy, I can also recommend this book, Working With You is Killing Me which I clung to like a life raft in one particularly dysfunctional team situation.
Good luck in managing this extra layer of work. It definitely IS work, you’re not wrong there.
posted by Weng at 3:05 AM on October 23, 2023 [10 favorites]
PS. I suspect you would find a lot of comfort and support in the Ask A Manager archives. I think it’s got the right blend of being able to laugh at office politics while recognising the reality of having to deal with them.
posted by Weng at 3:08 AM on October 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Weng at 3:08 AM on October 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
I used to do higher-level administrative work (such as being an executive assistant). This came with a set of expectations, but they didn't necessarily correlate with "bootlicking."
Rather, social cues that can read as bootlicky are very similar to those that are simply, "I understand what you want, and I am able to tackle my aspect of your project."
If an upper manager came to me with a need/idea/priority, my opinion on the matter wasn't a priority. They didn't care if I liked the idea.
What might be perceived as them wanting accolades was usually just wanting a demonstration that I grasped the concept and they could delegate. That way it was "done" in their minds and they could move on.
So if a mucky-muck came up and said, "now we sell green socks instead of blue socks," my response was to brighten (a social cue of enthusiasm and understanding) and confirm, "I'd be happy to call the green socks factory."
Additionally, a "let's break for lunch" can be a social bid. "Oh gosh you're right it is lunchtime! What time would you like me back to continue?"
I've found it's easiest to navigate these things if you don't assume nefarious intentions, and regard yourself as an anthropologist of sorts. Each workplace is its own little culture, and if you can cultivate detachment and curiosity office politics becomes almost fun.
posted by champers at 3:09 AM on October 23, 2023 [33 favorites]
Rather, social cues that can read as bootlicky are very similar to those that are simply, "I understand what you want, and I am able to tackle my aspect of your project."
If an upper manager came to me with a need/idea/priority, my opinion on the matter wasn't a priority. They didn't care if I liked the idea.
What might be perceived as them wanting accolades was usually just wanting a demonstration that I grasped the concept and they could delegate. That way it was "done" in their minds and they could move on.
So if a mucky-muck came up and said, "now we sell green socks instead of blue socks," my response was to brighten (a social cue of enthusiasm and understanding) and confirm, "I'd be happy to call the green socks factory."
Additionally, a "let's break for lunch" can be a social bid. "Oh gosh you're right it is lunchtime! What time would you like me back to continue?"
I've found it's easiest to navigate these things if you don't assume nefarious intentions, and regard yourself as an anthropologist of sorts. Each workplace is its own little culture, and if you can cultivate detachment and curiosity office politics becomes almost fun.
posted by champers at 3:09 AM on October 23, 2023 [33 favorites]
Agree, it's bootlicking.
I currently say "Ok" and do B as asked.
Say 'Yes', or 'Yes, Sir' instead of OK. OK presumes a level of familiarity which is contra to your aims.
Be subservient. Say less, not more. People want you to suck up, but they don't want to hear you do it.
Have your own anarchic thoughts behind your lowered eyes and forelock tug.
posted by Thella at 3:10 AM on October 23, 2023
I currently say "Ok" and do B as asked.
Say 'Yes', or 'Yes, Sir' instead of OK. OK presumes a level of familiarity which is contra to your aims.
Be subservient. Say less, not more. People want you to suck up, but they don't want to hear you do it.
Have your own anarchic thoughts behind your lowered eyes and forelock tug.
posted by Thella at 3:10 AM on October 23, 2023
It’s also cultural - family members and friends working in different countries or with leadership from other countries have noticed very different styles. A friend and I joke about how much we wish we could work for a Finn!
If you are female-coded, it can be sexism as an additional layer.
I do PM and view this as the social engineering part of my job - remembering people’s news, positively encouraging contributions and so on. What’s important is to do it in all directions, up to senior mgmt, with colleagues and for people reporting to me. If your office wants this only flowing up to management then urrrrgh bootlicking dysfunction! But if you can see this as a way to connect professionally with everyone, it’s a skill. I have colleagues who are very private and I connect with them on work and skill things they like to discuss. You do not have to be friends at all but it’s good to be seen as (and to act is to eventually become) an encouraging and interested person who is good to work with. It means when you have to say no or push back, you have goodwill to buffer you.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 3:24 AM on October 23, 2023 [7 favorites]
If you are female-coded, it can be sexism as an additional layer.
I do PM and view this as the social engineering part of my job - remembering people’s news, positively encouraging contributions and so on. What’s important is to do it in all directions, up to senior mgmt, with colleagues and for people reporting to me. If your office wants this only flowing up to management then urrrrgh bootlicking dysfunction! But if you can see this as a way to connect professionally with everyone, it’s a skill. I have colleagues who are very private and I connect with them on work and skill things they like to discuss. You do not have to be friends at all but it’s good to be seen as (and to act is to eventually become) an encouraging and interested person who is good to work with. It means when you have to say no or push back, you have goodwill to buffer you.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 3:24 AM on October 23, 2023 [7 favorites]
I agree with a description of bootlicking as you've described it.
However, it appears that every single senior person for which you are having to do this is a godawful person. Either they are - which is totally possible - or you are perceiving this in a way that may not be as cut and dried as "I'm expected to act like a grovelling peon 100% of the time with everyone".
You haven't given any examples of what's actually been said or done by the other people, just said things like "I'm expected to", "I'm now realising that I'm supposed to", etc, so it's hard to tell if your perception is likely to be a fair interpretation of what's being said or shown to you.
I suspect champers is right when they say that at least some of this is a normal managerial expectation that someone who works for you will demonstrate that they understand what's been asked of them, rather than the very terse "ok". Especially in an email, I would read that reply as meaning - potentially - that the person sending it is not best impressed with my request. Written communication has no tone which leaves a huge area for misinterpretation. It certainly leaves a lot of room for doubt.
Managers read moods as well as facts, and that's normal human behaviour. If you sound pissed off, even if you're not, people will pick up on it. Maybe try changing it to something like "Sure thing, happy to get this done" so that your tone isn't ambiguous?
It's also likely that at least one senior person in your company is an entitled ass, and probably more than one depending on the type of company and how many people are in it. So I absolutely agree with those people saying that there is an element of normal office politics whereby you have to sometimes deal with a boorish ass and sometimes you have to provide a positive tone rather than just a factual comment.
But none of that is emotional labour (as I understand it), it's more "understanding people and acting appropriately so you can save yourself hassle and get on with your day".
posted by underclocked at 3:36 AM on October 23, 2023 [15 favorites]
However, it appears that every single senior person for which you are having to do this is a godawful person. Either they are - which is totally possible - or you are perceiving this in a way that may not be as cut and dried as "I'm expected to act like a grovelling peon 100% of the time with everyone".
You haven't given any examples of what's actually been said or done by the other people, just said things like "I'm expected to", "I'm now realising that I'm supposed to", etc, so it's hard to tell if your perception is likely to be a fair interpretation of what's being said or shown to you.
I suspect champers is right when they say that at least some of this is a normal managerial expectation that someone who works for you will demonstrate that they understand what's been asked of them, rather than the very terse "ok". Especially in an email, I would read that reply as meaning - potentially - that the person sending it is not best impressed with my request. Written communication has no tone which leaves a huge area for misinterpretation. It certainly leaves a lot of room for doubt.
Managers read moods as well as facts, and that's normal human behaviour. If you sound pissed off, even if you're not, people will pick up on it. Maybe try changing it to something like "Sure thing, happy to get this done" so that your tone isn't ambiguous?
It's also likely that at least one senior person in your company is an entitled ass, and probably more than one depending on the type of company and how many people are in it. So I absolutely agree with those people saying that there is an element of normal office politics whereby you have to sometimes deal with a boorish ass and sometimes you have to provide a positive tone rather than just a factual comment.
But none of that is emotional labour (as I understand it), it's more "understanding people and acting appropriately so you can save yourself hassle and get on with your day".
posted by underclocked at 3:36 AM on October 23, 2023 [15 favorites]
One paradigm shift that may help you muster the requisite visible enthusiasm is to consider yourself mentoring up. When your Boss performs well, you praise him. When he does the littlest things right, you give him good feedback for it.
The mindset that you have committed to furthering your boss's career, and that you are his sidekick, or the only person who really knows how to do your job, or his éminence grise can make it tenable. When you thank someone for letting your group break for lunch, you are comparing him to the same guy on a day when he was less competent, and instead of running over ten minutes late, he ran over thirty-five. Thank you for letting us go for lunch nearly on time, (instead of screwing up and making us work so late that we all got hangry and were useless for the rest of the day), good boy, good job. And of course the degree of warmth in your thank you is calibrated to how much on time he really is. If he times letting you all go at the time suitable for maximum efficiency, then your praise and thanks is the warmest; if he lets you go an hour and a half late, then it is a cold and toneless thank you with no eye contact.
The gentle courtesies are critical among people who don't know each other, don't want to know each other and yet must get along well. It's one thing not to hold the elevator for strangers you will never see again, it's another to drop the elevator door in your co-worker's face, and yet a third thing again to drop it in the face of your best beloved. The courtesies you will be showing your boss are merely social lubricant in this scenario. It's closer to "Don't fuck your buddy" and "Know what your team is doing," than "I like you and care about you," but it can look like warmth and affection and sucking up to someone who isn't used to being positive and focused on other people.
If you boss chooses option B over A, both equal, you respond with something like "Excellent, I'll get started on that as soon as we return from lunch," and you put some enthusiasm into your voice. You do this not because you are enthusiastic and like the guy, but so that you have established a scale to calibrate your responses when you have something other than efficient compliance to express. Alternate responses like "Ok," are reserved for when the guy has just assigned everyone fifty hours of unpaid overtime, and "Oh, thank you! That's marvelous!!" is for when he's finally figured out that you have been wasting three hours a day shuffling papers and ending up working late because the old method was such crap.
Your focus on your boss is all about situational awareness. He shouldn't be a drone to you, and you should care how well he is doing, and you should use the carrots of positive feedback to gain some control and communicate with him, because he can make your life hell doing little things without any consequence to himself. But like a nurse who leaves their concern for their patients at work when they go home, your support for your boss is only there during work hours. A little detachment is critical. As long as you are working at that job doing a good job and supporting your boss is important and worthwhile - but the moment you get transferred to another department, all that is left is a warm, positive letter thanking him for all you learned while working for him, so that you can use him for a reference and so that you can easily slide back into working with him if he gets transferred in above you again.
Think of the respect with which you would handle a poisonous snake. You don't bait it, you don't tease it, you don't get overly familiar, you treat it with courtesy and respect and signal your intentions in a non-threatening way. Having to go to lunch late is like having to put on bite proof gloves. The nasty thing has enough power that you don't reach barehanded into the tank, you follow the rules set for you. It's situational awareness, not affection; it's good social skills, not a friendship. Don't mistake that warmth and enthusiasm and the way you are covering your boss's back for thinking he likes you, or that you need to like him. You are using your social skills to make the work more efficient. You won't get the toddler into her rain boots if you stand there and yell, nor if you simply tell her to go do it. You sometimes have to be bright, animated and present. And that doesn't imply that you like toddlers. It implies that you know how to get them out of the door faster.
Of course if your company and your boss treats you badly, and if you're only working there because you are desperate, you will likely resent them and loathe them. But under those circumstances it would be childish and self-sabotaging to let your resentment show. Unless it is really that bad, then you have the power. As an employee you have a million ways of making your boss's life wretched and their department unproductive. You have that power if you are not too intimidated to use it, but you have made the sensible decision not to exercise it. Gotta make rent.
In some sense though your boss is at your mercy, because you are sparingly dolling out carrots while making it look like you are generous and bountiful, and his ego needs your carrots and your forbearance and kindness. What does two enthusiastic sentences of thanks and praise cost you? Not a lot. You can learn to make it automatic. But there is a good chance that treating your boss well, and with approval makes him feel, very, very good. People who are skillful at this, and who have a boss who has enough ego needs are the ones that get promoted in lockstep every time they manage their boss into a promotion.
Now probably you just want to get through the day, in a wretched situation, doing work that is somewhere between tedious and actively painful. I'm not saying you would look on the idea of being promoted and taking on additional responsibilities with anything other than horror. Nor am I saying that your boss has the social skills to recognize the difference between, "Oh hell, that's good!" versus, "Well, sounds like it will work..." and "Very nice." But you will know the difference between them and you will know that "Very nice," really means, "Well, that'll lead to you getting fired, Boss."
Making yourself do this kind of stuff is a matter of knowing you are choosing to do it, not being compelled to do it. It's a way to give yourself control and to become more situationally aware. If you only know you resent waiting until twelve before you can go for lunch, and that you resent being made to wait until twelve-twenty so much that you hate everybody, you'll never figure out how to manipulate the situation so that you can get the boss to end the meetings at ten to twelve.
posted by Jane the Brown at 4:33 AM on October 23, 2023 [20 favorites]
The mindset that you have committed to furthering your boss's career, and that you are his sidekick, or the only person who really knows how to do your job, or his éminence grise can make it tenable. When you thank someone for letting your group break for lunch, you are comparing him to the same guy on a day when he was less competent, and instead of running over ten minutes late, he ran over thirty-five. Thank you for letting us go for lunch nearly on time, (instead of screwing up and making us work so late that we all got hangry and were useless for the rest of the day), good boy, good job. And of course the degree of warmth in your thank you is calibrated to how much on time he really is. If he times letting you all go at the time suitable for maximum efficiency, then your praise and thanks is the warmest; if he lets you go an hour and a half late, then it is a cold and toneless thank you with no eye contact.
The gentle courtesies are critical among people who don't know each other, don't want to know each other and yet must get along well. It's one thing not to hold the elevator for strangers you will never see again, it's another to drop the elevator door in your co-worker's face, and yet a third thing again to drop it in the face of your best beloved. The courtesies you will be showing your boss are merely social lubricant in this scenario. It's closer to "Don't fuck your buddy" and "Know what your team is doing," than "I like you and care about you," but it can look like warmth and affection and sucking up to someone who isn't used to being positive and focused on other people.
If you boss chooses option B over A, both equal, you respond with something like "Excellent, I'll get started on that as soon as we return from lunch," and you put some enthusiasm into your voice. You do this not because you are enthusiastic and like the guy, but so that you have established a scale to calibrate your responses when you have something other than efficient compliance to express. Alternate responses like "Ok," are reserved for when the guy has just assigned everyone fifty hours of unpaid overtime, and "Oh, thank you! That's marvelous!!" is for when he's finally figured out that you have been wasting three hours a day shuffling papers and ending up working late because the old method was such crap.
Your focus on your boss is all about situational awareness. He shouldn't be a drone to you, and you should care how well he is doing, and you should use the carrots of positive feedback to gain some control and communicate with him, because he can make your life hell doing little things without any consequence to himself. But like a nurse who leaves their concern for their patients at work when they go home, your support for your boss is only there during work hours. A little detachment is critical. As long as you are working at that job doing a good job and supporting your boss is important and worthwhile - but the moment you get transferred to another department, all that is left is a warm, positive letter thanking him for all you learned while working for him, so that you can use him for a reference and so that you can easily slide back into working with him if he gets transferred in above you again.
Think of the respect with which you would handle a poisonous snake. You don't bait it, you don't tease it, you don't get overly familiar, you treat it with courtesy and respect and signal your intentions in a non-threatening way. Having to go to lunch late is like having to put on bite proof gloves. The nasty thing has enough power that you don't reach barehanded into the tank, you follow the rules set for you. It's situational awareness, not affection; it's good social skills, not a friendship. Don't mistake that warmth and enthusiasm and the way you are covering your boss's back for thinking he likes you, or that you need to like him. You are using your social skills to make the work more efficient. You won't get the toddler into her rain boots if you stand there and yell, nor if you simply tell her to go do it. You sometimes have to be bright, animated and present. And that doesn't imply that you like toddlers. It implies that you know how to get them out of the door faster.
Of course if your company and your boss treats you badly, and if you're only working there because you are desperate, you will likely resent them and loathe them. But under those circumstances it would be childish and self-sabotaging to let your resentment show. Unless it is really that bad, then you have the power. As an employee you have a million ways of making your boss's life wretched and their department unproductive. You have that power if you are not too intimidated to use it, but you have made the sensible decision not to exercise it. Gotta make rent.
In some sense though your boss is at your mercy, because you are sparingly dolling out carrots while making it look like you are generous and bountiful, and his ego needs your carrots and your forbearance and kindness. What does two enthusiastic sentences of thanks and praise cost you? Not a lot. You can learn to make it automatic. But there is a good chance that treating your boss well, and with approval makes him feel, very, very good. People who are skillful at this, and who have a boss who has enough ego needs are the ones that get promoted in lockstep every time they manage their boss into a promotion.
Now probably you just want to get through the day, in a wretched situation, doing work that is somewhere between tedious and actively painful. I'm not saying you would look on the idea of being promoted and taking on additional responsibilities with anything other than horror. Nor am I saying that your boss has the social skills to recognize the difference between, "Oh hell, that's good!" versus, "Well, sounds like it will work..." and "Very nice." But you will know the difference between them and you will know that "Very nice," really means, "Well, that'll lead to you getting fired, Boss."
Making yourself do this kind of stuff is a matter of knowing you are choosing to do it, not being compelled to do it. It's a way to give yourself control and to become more situationally aware. If you only know you resent waiting until twelve before you can go for lunch, and that you resent being made to wait until twelve-twenty so much that you hate everybody, you'll never figure out how to manipulate the situation so that you can get the boss to end the meetings at ten to twelve.
posted by Jane the Brown at 4:33 AM on October 23, 2023 [20 favorites]
You haven't given any examples of what's actually been said or done by the other people, just said things like "I'm expected to", "I'm now realising that I'm supposed to", etc, so it's hard to tell if your perception is likely to be a fair interpretation of what's being said or shown to you.
Yes! I would really like to know what specifically prompted you to post this question now, because it really struck me that you didn’t even hint at the reason you’re feeling like this. Why are you “now realizing”? Was it something a boss said? A peer? Just a general vibe?
posted by showbiz_liz at 4:52 AM on October 23, 2023 [4 favorites]
Yes! I would really like to know what specifically prompted you to post this question now, because it really struck me that you didn’t even hint at the reason you’re feeling like this. Why are you “now realizing”? Was it something a boss said? A peer? Just a general vibe?
posted by showbiz_liz at 4:52 AM on October 23, 2023 [4 favorites]
It can help to have a go-to line that you use for certain situations. A little mental code that reads one way to the people hearing it and means a slightly different thing in my head.
My bosses at some previous jobs didn't know this, but "I can definitely do that. Will get right on it." actually means "That's probably a mistake, but what you require is certainly within my capability and since you've just told me to do it, I will."
Fortunately, in my current job, I don't need to say things like this, which means I don't remember many of the specific things I used to use in my little code, but you need to come up with your own anyway that sound like you and sound like your corporate culture.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:26 AM on October 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
My bosses at some previous jobs didn't know this, but "I can definitely do that. Will get right on it." actually means "That's probably a mistake, but what you require is certainly within my capability and since you've just told me to do it, I will."
Fortunately, in my current job, I don't need to say things like this, which means I don't remember many of the specific things I used to use in my little code, but you need to come up with your own anyway that sound like you and sound like your corporate culture.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:26 AM on October 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
Admire and be impressed by particular people, including the upper management.
This is the easiest one to deal with: the answer is don't bother.
You can be respectful of people's authority. You can be polite and professional and pleasant. Those are all demonstrated by outer actions: how you speak to them, what you do for them, etc.
Being impressed by somebody and admiring them are internal. They are what you feel in your mind/heart/body/soul (call it what you will).
If somebody asks you about executive A or leader B you don't have to open up your soul. You can say, "A led the company to a good quarterly return. B's division has a new charity program that seems to be raising a lot of money for good work." That's acknowledging their actions without you providing a value judgment on how they did it (A by underpaying staff and lowering the quality level of products and B by co-opting an underling's idea and making it all about himself.)
posted by sardonyx at 6:53 AM on October 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
This is the easiest one to deal with: the answer is don't bother.
You can be respectful of people's authority. You can be polite and professional and pleasant. Those are all demonstrated by outer actions: how you speak to them, what you do for them, etc.
Being impressed by somebody and admiring them are internal. They are what you feel in your mind/heart/body/soul (call it what you will).
If somebody asks you about executive A or leader B you don't have to open up your soul. You can say, "A led the company to a good quarterly return. B's division has a new charity program that seems to be raising a lot of money for good work." That's acknowledging their actions without you providing a value judgment on how they did it (A by underpaying staff and lowering the quality level of products and B by co-opting an underling's idea and making it all about himself.)
posted by sardonyx at 6:53 AM on October 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
I will push back a little on the "bootlicking" label being suggested here because I don't think it's abnormal for ANYONE (coworkers, bosses, underlings, friends, family members, you name em) to want to hear you be appreciative and effusive about their ideas and their decisions. We are after all human beings interacting with one another, humanly. We all like validation. It's part of baseline positive communal interaction that you should look for opportunities to be appreciative and express agreement with specific aspects of people's ideas whenever you honestly can, because that's the kind of energy the best people bring to all human interactions.
I mean I get it, I work with some self important C-suite guys who expect and demand actual bootlicking. But even with them there are ways to give them the validation they want without necessarily becoming a brown noser, I have found. Tricks like, the compliment sandwich, or couching negative feedback in a way that calls attention to what they did right, etc. THAT'S a better framing of the type of emotional labor you need to be doing. Read a business textbook or three, especially those that are focused on sales. The techniques used to handle difficult customers? That's what you need to be using on bosses who demand bootlickery.
But some things you're saying (such as your concerns with gratitude for taking lunch and feeling obligated to volunteer unpaid overtime) make me think that you may be misreading the situation somewhat. Like, there's no reason to volunteer to stay late just because you took your lunch hour! Really! Unless they actually ask for it outright!
It sounds like you're someone who is normally disinclined to be warm and effusive in social interactions, so it may SEEM to you like you're expected to be a bootlicker but actually what's most likely being expected of you is... regular human warmth.
For example, instead of saying "Okay," (which comes off as cold and robotic at best) say, "Gotcha! I'll get on that right away/right after I'm done with X/tomorrow. Cheers!" Do you see how this is different from expressing effusive appreciation for your boss's decision?
Similarly when you're leaving for your lunch - a break that you earned and is protected by labor laws and for which you owe nobody any thanks - you could cheerfully discuss your lunch plans (what you're planning to eat, not necessary to talk about who with) or even just say how much you're looking forward to your lunch break because of how swamped you been all morning. This is also emotional labor, yes, but it's not bootlicking, it is just the necessary emotional labor of being human towards the people you work with, and making human connections with them by sharing about your lunch plans.
Your non-obsequious, non-bootlicky, but instead blunt, cheerful, and human way of relating to your boss and coworkers will also help you protect yourself from unspoken expectations of unpaid overtime or other subtly underhanded ways employers have of exploiting employees. If your boss is asking you to do unpaid overtime you will cheerfully decline and share with them how you're going to game night at your best friend's house tonight, remember? You chit chatted about this exact thing while you were being human at your boss this morning. If there's a hint of displeasure you will cheerfully fail to take the hint, and tell them you'll try to bring them some leftover hummus from the gathering to share at lunch tomorrow. Force your boss to put the demand for unpaid overtime in writing! (And then take that to your labor board lol.) Do not volunteer for it in the name of "doing emotional labor".
Catch my drift? You're right on the money that you need to do more emotional labor than you currently are, if you want to build good relationships at work. But it's more often about being warmly human than about licking boots.
posted by MiraK at 6:57 AM on October 23, 2023 [20 favorites]
I mean I get it, I work with some self important C-suite guys who expect and demand actual bootlicking. But even with them there are ways to give them the validation they want without necessarily becoming a brown noser, I have found. Tricks like, the compliment sandwich, or couching negative feedback in a way that calls attention to what they did right, etc. THAT'S a better framing of the type of emotional labor you need to be doing. Read a business textbook or three, especially those that are focused on sales. The techniques used to handle difficult customers? That's what you need to be using on bosses who demand bootlickery.
But some things you're saying (such as your concerns with gratitude for taking lunch and feeling obligated to volunteer unpaid overtime) make me think that you may be misreading the situation somewhat. Like, there's no reason to volunteer to stay late just because you took your lunch hour! Really! Unless they actually ask for it outright!
It sounds like you're someone who is normally disinclined to be warm and effusive in social interactions, so it may SEEM to you like you're expected to be a bootlicker but actually what's most likely being expected of you is... regular human warmth.
For example, instead of saying "Okay," (which comes off as cold and robotic at best) say, "Gotcha! I'll get on that right away/right after I'm done with X/tomorrow. Cheers!" Do you see how this is different from expressing effusive appreciation for your boss's decision?
Similarly when you're leaving for your lunch - a break that you earned and is protected by labor laws and for which you owe nobody any thanks - you could cheerfully discuss your lunch plans (what you're planning to eat, not necessary to talk about who with) or even just say how much you're looking forward to your lunch break because of how swamped you been all morning. This is also emotional labor, yes, but it's not bootlicking, it is just the necessary emotional labor of being human towards the people you work with, and making human connections with them by sharing about your lunch plans.
Your non-obsequious, non-bootlicky, but instead blunt, cheerful, and human way of relating to your boss and coworkers will also help you protect yourself from unspoken expectations of unpaid overtime or other subtly underhanded ways employers have of exploiting employees. If your boss is asking you to do unpaid overtime you will cheerfully decline and share with them how you're going to game night at your best friend's house tonight, remember? You chit chatted about this exact thing while you were being human at your boss this morning. If there's a hint of displeasure you will cheerfully fail to take the hint, and tell them you'll try to bring them some leftover hummus from the gathering to share at lunch tomorrow. Force your boss to put the demand for unpaid overtime in writing! (And then take that to your labor board lol.) Do not volunteer for it in the name of "doing emotional labor".
Catch my drift? You're right on the money that you need to do more emotional labor than you currently are, if you want to build good relationships at work. But it's more often about being warmly human than about licking boots.
posted by MiraK at 6:57 AM on October 23, 2023 [20 favorites]
To bring a point out that has been quietly made above, in the discourse on emotional labour the whole idea was not that people should never have to do it. It was that people should share in the emotional labor.
In your examples, I would just provide the positive feedback in a low-effort way for the first three, more or less.
The actual hours of overtime though, are different. I think there it’s about acknowledging the impact on others without giving up on the idea that the impact on you is also important. I had a team member under me a number of years ago, who was very good at this. She would say, more or less, I am letting you know that I’m at capacity. I won’t be in on Wednesday, so this won’t be done until Friday. In return, she was the most reliable person about deadlines. Her word was gold. Her no was because her yes was always right. I don’t know what kind of work you do, but if it’s deadline-driven, then you could try emulating that.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:44 AM on October 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
In your examples, I would just provide the positive feedback in a low-effort way for the first three, more or less.
The actual hours of overtime though, are different. I think there it’s about acknowledging the impact on others without giving up on the idea that the impact on you is also important. I had a team member under me a number of years ago, who was very good at this. She would say, more or less, I am letting you know that I’m at capacity. I won’t be in on Wednesday, so this won’t be done until Friday. In return, she was the most reliable person about deadlines. Her word was gold. Her no was because her yes was always right. I don’t know what kind of work you do, but if it’s deadline-driven, then you could try emulating that.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:44 AM on October 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
You give me the impression that you think everyone above you in the organisation is useless and demanding. If that's actually the case, start looking for a new job. If it's not, then be as thoughtful of them as you would be for your peers. They are also part of your team. Overall, work life is easier if you accept that you need to get on with these people no matter how much you might vent about them to your closest friends.
If you are grumpier or more cynical than the work culture in your organisation expects, it's annoying to project a more positive outlook. It's also annoying to complete a timesheet, but we do it because they pay us. Specific suggestions that you can take or leave:
Admire and be impressed by particular people, including the upper management.
I am perhaps fortunate that the upper management in my organisation are nice people overall, but I actively make myself recognise that even those I think are sometimes less than competent or have caused me extra work have real skills that provide value to the organisation. I wouldn't say I admire and am impressed by them exactly, but I do think they have admirable features. Training myself to do this has helped me respond diplomatically as needed.
Like and agree with decisions made by others -- so if I say "we could do A or B and I think we should do A because of these reasons" and my boss says "I think we should do B, for those reasons" I currently say "Ok" and do B as asked. But I'm realizing that I'm not just supposed to say I will do it and do it, but to agree with and admire the decision. I do not say "ok" in any tone indicating disagreement. I usually say it by email, so there isn't even any possibility of a tone, and "ok" is also what I say if the boss says to do the thing I am suggesting.
Firstly, email definitely has the possibility of a tone. Not realising that may be part of the problem. If you think A or B but lean A and they say B, then I think just saying something positive even if it's just "great to have a decision", or "great I'll get on that" is helpful. It's not helpful to you if they think you're doing something begrudgingly. Save that for when you really think they've made a catastrophic error.
Express some sort of gratitude for things I am entitled to. For example, in an impromptu meeting with my boss we stop at noon because it is lunchtime and I have lunch plans, I see this is as just basic courtesy/respect/labor laws not as some beneficence I am being granted. I think I'm supposed to be effusively grateful and somehow willing to "make it up" by staying late or coming back from lunch early.
This can be annoying, but why not just make positive noises about lunch time? The sun rises every day, and will rise every day of my life. I'm entitled to a sunrise. I can still say it looks nice. Similarly, breaking for lunch is a good thing and my lunch is going to be delicious, it costs me nothing to make a comment to that effect.
Similarly, I'm supposed to express willingness and not be put out at all by working overtime without extra pay but if I take a day off which I'm entitled to I should somehow be sorry to have put people out by working that day. Like I'm supposed to be a team player and have the company's back but the company is definitely not expected to be a team player who has my back. I understand the part where capitalism, but I'm talking about the emotional labor where I'm supposed to be grateful and apologetic for taking a day off and keep sweet about working overtime and missing dinner or having dinner at my desk.
This is a very legitimate complaint. It sounds like you've been asked to work extra by someone who doesn't want to acknowledge the consequences of their decisions. Irritatingly common in upper management. If you are going to do it, then you are, by definition willing to do it and you can say those words out loud / by email. I would probably try to project a "making the best of it" vibe.
If the overtime/extra work is too regular then maybe address with your boss separately later.
posted by plonkee at 9:43 AM on October 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
If you are grumpier or more cynical than the work culture in your organisation expects, it's annoying to project a more positive outlook. It's also annoying to complete a timesheet, but we do it because they pay us. Specific suggestions that you can take or leave:
Admire and be impressed by particular people, including the upper management.
I am perhaps fortunate that the upper management in my organisation are nice people overall, but I actively make myself recognise that even those I think are sometimes less than competent or have caused me extra work have real skills that provide value to the organisation. I wouldn't say I admire and am impressed by them exactly, but I do think they have admirable features. Training myself to do this has helped me respond diplomatically as needed.
Like and agree with decisions made by others -- so if I say "we could do A or B and I think we should do A because of these reasons" and my boss says "I think we should do B, for those reasons" I currently say "Ok" and do B as asked. But I'm realizing that I'm not just supposed to say I will do it and do it, but to agree with and admire the decision. I do not say "ok" in any tone indicating disagreement. I usually say it by email, so there isn't even any possibility of a tone, and "ok" is also what I say if the boss says to do the thing I am suggesting.
Firstly, email definitely has the possibility of a tone. Not realising that may be part of the problem. If you think A or B but lean A and they say B, then I think just saying something positive even if it's just "great to have a decision", or "great I'll get on that" is helpful. It's not helpful to you if they think you're doing something begrudgingly. Save that for when you really think they've made a catastrophic error.
Express some sort of gratitude for things I am entitled to. For example, in an impromptu meeting with my boss we stop at noon because it is lunchtime and I have lunch plans, I see this is as just basic courtesy/respect/labor laws not as some beneficence I am being granted. I think I'm supposed to be effusively grateful and somehow willing to "make it up" by staying late or coming back from lunch early.
This can be annoying, but why not just make positive noises about lunch time? The sun rises every day, and will rise every day of my life. I'm entitled to a sunrise. I can still say it looks nice. Similarly, breaking for lunch is a good thing and my lunch is going to be delicious, it costs me nothing to make a comment to that effect.
Similarly, I'm supposed to express willingness and not be put out at all by working overtime without extra pay but if I take a day off which I'm entitled to I should somehow be sorry to have put people out by working that day. Like I'm supposed to be a team player and have the company's back but the company is definitely not expected to be a team player who has my back. I understand the part where capitalism, but I'm talking about the emotional labor where I'm supposed to be grateful and apologetic for taking a day off and keep sweet about working overtime and missing dinner or having dinner at my desk.
This is a very legitimate complaint. It sounds like you've been asked to work extra by someone who doesn't want to acknowledge the consequences of their decisions. Irritatingly common in upper management. If you are going to do it, then you are, by definition willing to do it and you can say those words out loud / by email. I would probably try to project a "making the best of it" vibe.
If the overtime/extra work is too regular then maybe address with your boss separately later.
posted by plonkee at 9:43 AM on October 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
Also, the go-to source of advice for all workplace issues is Ask a Manager. I feel like there's bound to be something in the archives.
posted by plonkee at 9:45 AM on October 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by plonkee at 9:45 AM on October 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
Can you get a mentor at your workplace? By that I mean, someone who's been at your workplace a little longer than you and/or is a little more senior than you, who you trust to be confidential, and can give you advice about dealing with the higher-ups at your specific office? You don't need to formally ask them to be your mentor, you can just ask for a meeting to chat privately about how to build rapport with upper management.
I actually don't think this is a good topic for blogs or podcasts. What you need is someone who can speak to the specific individuals and their personalities at your own office, and what kind of actions or behaviors each of them cares about or responds best to.
posted by capricorn at 9:51 AM on October 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
I actually don't think this is a good topic for blogs or podcasts. What you need is someone who can speak to the specific individuals and their personalities at your own office, and what kind of actions or behaviors each of them cares about or responds best to.
posted by capricorn at 9:51 AM on October 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
we could do A or B and I think we should do A because of these reasons" and my boss says "I think we should do B, for those reasons"
Often people will do a half assed job on something if it's not what they would have picked. They'll be passive aggressive, give a noncommittal reply or ok, so in order to distinguish yourself from them, you don't have to be effusive or even positive, but just signal that you will 'give a f@#£' in your reply, so for example, you expand on the 'ok' with something like, "Yep, will proceed with B, and we can mitigate 'x problem that you gave as a reason for doing A' by doing 'y thing'" - see? Not at all positive, but shows that you're going to take ownership of going with B choice. Or state when you will start on B, or expected timelines.
All stuff that isn't particularly positive, but means it won't be interpreted as begrudgingly, or sulky teenager "Okkaaayyyy Mom!".
Sure it would probably be even better to be positive, or point out a side benefit of B that your boss hasn't mentioned, but even a comment just saying how you're going to mitigate problems with B choice will be better than 'Ok'.
Also, John Gottman studied marriages and found that if there weren't at least 5 positive compliments to every negative comment or mild criticism, then couples are usually headed for divorce. Criticisms have more weight.
So, I use that as a metric for any interpersonal relationships - that you need to have many more positive interactions to every piece of criticism. Really you want to shoot for 10 to 1, because you will overlook negative comments you make. If you've given a number of criticisms of an approach that your boss wants to take, each one of those needs to be compensated for *somewhere*, if you don't want to be perceived as relentlessly negative.
I'm not perfect at it, but it gave me a metric, something to shoot for, and to realise that in order to provide useful negative feedback when I have to, it means I really need to look for and verbally praise a whole heap of small things, just getting into the habit of it, and it really is good for all my social interactions.
I just straight up compliment people more easily, over very mild things.
posted by Elysum at 5:54 PM on October 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
Often people will do a half assed job on something if it's not what they would have picked. They'll be passive aggressive, give a noncommittal reply or ok, so in order to distinguish yourself from them, you don't have to be effusive or even positive, but just signal that you will 'give a f@#£' in your reply, so for example, you expand on the 'ok' with something like, "Yep, will proceed with B, and we can mitigate 'x problem that you gave as a reason for doing A' by doing 'y thing'" - see? Not at all positive, but shows that you're going to take ownership of going with B choice. Or state when you will start on B, or expected timelines.
All stuff that isn't particularly positive, but means it won't be interpreted as begrudgingly, or sulky teenager "Okkaaayyyy Mom!".
Sure it would probably be even better to be positive, or point out a side benefit of B that your boss hasn't mentioned, but even a comment just saying how you're going to mitigate problems with B choice will be better than 'Ok'.
Also, John Gottman studied marriages and found that if there weren't at least 5 positive compliments to every negative comment or mild criticism, then couples are usually headed for divorce. Criticisms have more weight.
So, I use that as a metric for any interpersonal relationships - that you need to have many more positive interactions to every piece of criticism. Really you want to shoot for 10 to 1, because you will overlook negative comments you make. If you've given a number of criticisms of an approach that your boss wants to take, each one of those needs to be compensated for *somewhere*, if you don't want to be perceived as relentlessly negative.
I'm not perfect at it, but it gave me a metric, something to shoot for, and to realise that in order to provide useful negative feedback when I have to, it means I really need to look for and verbally praise a whole heap of small things, just getting into the habit of it, and it really is good for all my social interactions.
I just straight up compliment people more easily, over very mild things.
posted by Elysum at 5:54 PM on October 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
Different perspective from a likely very different work environment, but as a union plumber who has worked both in the field and in the office on preconstruction, this all sounds completely wild and unreasonable to me? Like I'm supposed to be grateful for my legally-mandated lunch break happening in a timely fashion? Give me a $&%*ing break! I work hard, I do a good job, now pay me.
"But I'm realizing that I'm not just supposed to say I will do it and do it, but to agree with and admire the decision."
I can disagree with my foreman about a plan, and then execute the plan the foreman decides on, and execute it well. I don't have to pretend like I never had reservations for me to do my job thoroughly and effectively.
"Similarly, I'm supposed to express willingness and not be put out at all by working overtime without extra pay but if I take a day off which I'm entitled to I should somehow be sorry to have put people out by working that day."
Seriously? This is a huge "wtf" for me.
I hear that you need this job, and so I guess I have no useful advice, but I want to at least affirm that NONE of the things you're suggesting would come naturally to me at ALL. I can be kind to my coworkers without having to perform some kind of ridiculous groveling to the almighty company to thank them for allowing me to work unpaid overtime, or apologizing guiltily for using PTO. I guess it helps that in union plumbing, there is no unpaid overtime. There is only time and a half or double time. (And there is no PTO -- you just take unpaid time off if if you want the vacation or you're sick. We claim time on the schedule and work things out so the job isn't understaffed at any one time. Different world.)
posted by cnidaria at 9:14 PM on October 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
"But I'm realizing that I'm not just supposed to say I will do it and do it, but to agree with and admire the decision."
I can disagree with my foreman about a plan, and then execute the plan the foreman decides on, and execute it well. I don't have to pretend like I never had reservations for me to do my job thoroughly and effectively.
"Similarly, I'm supposed to express willingness and not be put out at all by working overtime without extra pay but if I take a day off which I'm entitled to I should somehow be sorry to have put people out by working that day."
Seriously? This is a huge "wtf" for me.
I hear that you need this job, and so I guess I have no useful advice, but I want to at least affirm that NONE of the things you're suggesting would come naturally to me at ALL. I can be kind to my coworkers without having to perform some kind of ridiculous groveling to the almighty company to thank them for allowing me to work unpaid overtime, or apologizing guiltily for using PTO. I guess it helps that in union plumbing, there is no unpaid overtime. There is only time and a half or double time. (And there is no PTO -- you just take unpaid time off if if you want the vacation or you're sick. We claim time on the schedule and work things out so the job isn't understaffed at any one time. Different world.)
posted by cnidaria at 9:14 PM on October 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
Different perspective from a likely very different work environment, but as a union plumber who has worked both in the field and in the office on preconstruction, this all sounds completely wild and unreasonable to me?
Typically, blue collar and white collar work have different expectations about how you will interact with your peers and those above you in the management chain. In white collar work people (particularly managers) tend to want to elide over the gap between management and non-management - you're not doing it because you have to, but because it's a good idea. In blue collar work, particularly unionised work, the gap between management and non-management usually isn't elided at all because the two groups have more formalised and distinct roles and responsibilities.
These kinds of differences are why for example, people from blue collar backgrounds get bad advice from their parents about white collar workplace interactions, and why people from white collar backgrounds get bad advice from their parents about blue collar workplace interactions. It takes a level of canny-ness and adaptability to cross the divide in either direction.
None of that makes white collar expectations and norms better. I just take the view that you have to play the game you're in.
posted by plonkee at 2:51 AM on October 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
Typically, blue collar and white collar work have different expectations about how you will interact with your peers and those above you in the management chain. In white collar work people (particularly managers) tend to want to elide over the gap between management and non-management - you're not doing it because you have to, but because it's a good idea. In blue collar work, particularly unionised work, the gap between management and non-management usually isn't elided at all because the two groups have more formalised and distinct roles and responsibilities.
These kinds of differences are why for example, people from blue collar backgrounds get bad advice from their parents about white collar workplace interactions, and why people from white collar backgrounds get bad advice from their parents about blue collar workplace interactions. It takes a level of canny-ness and adaptability to cross the divide in either direction.
None of that makes white collar expectations and norms better. I just take the view that you have to play the game you're in.
posted by plonkee at 2:51 AM on October 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
plonkee -- that's interesting! I have a white-collar upbringing and family background, and a Fancy College Degree, but have mostly worked in construction, with a few detours. Maybe it's my neurodivergence, but the blue collar side of the cultural divide you're describing here feels SO much more safe, clear, and sensical to me. Reminds me of how I'm a dyed-in-the-wool Asker, while Guess culture is completely opaque to me and feels alternately terrifying and eyerollingly-irritating, hah.
posted by cnidaria at 3:14 PM on October 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by cnidaria at 3:14 PM on October 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
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I call it "work politics" and I'm awful at it, leading to frustration and stress on all sides - I don't have a good answer except 'be a better lier'.
posted by esoteric things at 12:06 AM on October 23, 2023 [7 favorites]