Tell me about starting to go by a nickname

September 12, 2023 7:47 PM

I have a four-syllable, very common, strongly gendered first name. There are lots of well-known nicknames for my name but I've always gone by the full thing. I want to start going by a nickname that's not one of the obvious ones. How do I make this not weird? Tell me about your experiences!

How did you handle this with friends? Work? Family? New people, particularly new people whom you will definitely see again after getting flustered and introducing yourself as Fullname Lastname? Not that this happened yesterday with a whole group of people, just an example.

posted by zeptoweasel to Human Relations (21 answers total)

Best answer: I don’t have an answer for you, but I think this comic by Sarah/Shay Mirk might be useful.

The gist is, try it out either with strangers or people who you trust not to mock you needlessly and see how it feels. And then, if it fits, just own it.
posted by Just the one swan, actually at 8:05 PM on September 12, 2023 [22 favorites]

I recently decided to start phasing out James and switching to Jim in all the non-governmental places. "James" is my government name but not what anybody who knows me calls me and I hate having randos call me that.

It has not been weird at all. For example, most doctor offices seem to have a place to enter what you would like them to call you. Or you can enter --Fullname ("Nickname") Lastname-- on their forms. Or just the nickname--there's no real problem if it doesn't match your ID--just explain if necessary. If you're meeting new people, just say "Call me Nickname." They won't bat an eyelash.
posted by JimN2TAW at 8:09 PM on September 12, 2023 [1 favorite]

Be prepared for people who have known you for a long time to fail to adapt without struggle. My sister went by a diminutive when young but transitioned to her full name in high school / college. There are still people who call her by the diminutive - to be fair these are people she sees very infrequently and most people she spends regular time with made the switch. But with people you already have a relationship with you have to be explicit and direct (and be prepared to repeat yourself).

New people (even folks you've introduced yourself to by your full name), I would just try to get in the habit of saying "Oh, people usually call me xxxx" or "My friends call me xxx" for informal settings. I usually introduce myself with my full (gendered) name and then transition to my shortened (non-gendered name).
posted by macfly at 8:20 PM on September 12, 2023 [1 favorite]

Best answer: For the people where you panicked and introduced yourself with your government name, you can say something like "oh, I'm really only Jimothy to strangers and my credit card company—now that we know each other you can call me Moth." Which is to say, if you're worried they'll be confused you can frame it as a mark of intimacy. But I don't think you really need to complicate things to that degree! "I actually go by x" is fine. Or you can say "I'm going by x" if you want to give yourself the option to change your mind at a later date, or explain why older friends might call you something different.

I've historically had the hardest time with family (they already had a different nickname they felt attached to) and work (because they see your paperwork sometimes they imprint on your government name—at my office I also share a name with someone who uses the longer, more gendered version but has slightly shorter, less gendered hair, and people will sometimes correct themselves to call her by my nickname, little knowing that she doesn't care and I care very much!). Most people will eventually adjust, though—just be prepared to remind them a few times, and try to believe that most people mean well but just have a lot going on.

At work, it will probably help to change your name on Slack and in your email signature. And you can ask your friends to change it in their phone contacts to help remind them!
posted by babelfish at 8:31 PM on September 12, 2023 [6 favorites]

I used to go by a nickname pretty much the first 30 years of my life. Often when you meet someone new they will ask if you have a nickname (at least if your full name is more formal sounding). If not I used to tell people, "haha only my high school gym teachers called me [Full Name] I actually go by [Nickname]" - similar to what babelfish suggests. People adjusted pretty easily, usually.

I made the switch to my full name eventually because I thought it sounded more adult and I wanted to be more adult at that point (though now I kind of miss my nickname sometimes). Luckily that intersected with moving to a new city so I just told everyone I was meeting in the new place to call me by my full name, and changed my name on social media. Now sometimes when I tell people I used to go by my nickname, they look at me and say something to the effect of, "Really? I have a hard time imagining you as anything besides a [Full Name]" Which is really weird to me because I still think of myself more as having the nickname.

My immediate and extended family still call me by my nickname when I see them though sometimes they awkwardly introduce me to new people with my full name since they know I go by that now. I didn't really insist that they or anyone else who knew me by my nickname called me by the full name though.

I have some childhood friends and family that changed names for varying reasons, mostly to the more formal version of their name. I never really adapted to the new name fully with one childhood friend but I barely see her at all and I know she did insist a mutual friend call her by her preferred name, just because they saw each other more often/were living in the same place for a while. Same with a cousin, have a hard time calling him by his full name. If either of them really insisted that it was important to them though I'd make the switch. Upshot is that people you've known for a long time might struggle more with the transition so you might have to insist or remind them for a while.

Well that only sort of answered your question/answered the opposite of your question! Have fun with the new name. It might take time but I'm sure you and people around you will adjust.
posted by knownfossils at 9:02 PM on September 12, 2023

Take time to explain to yourself why you want to do this. Make the explanation very, very clear, even if it's "Sounds more dignified" or "I'm not sure why I like it, but I do" or "I can't get the sound of my mother's angry voice, saying my full name, out of my mind". Whatever it is, figure it out and make a short explanation in words.

Now say the same thing to yourself, but as though it's a perfectly reasonable, thoughtful, well-considered reason. So, from the possible explanations above, evolve to "feels more like the person I am now," or "sounds more like me, now," or "has a more adult feeling to me". All are true (potentially).

Once you have clarified your reasons, and can present those reasons if somebody, for some reason, asks - you may find you feel less squirrely about the whole thing.
posted by amtho at 9:29 PM on September 12, 2023 [2 favorites]

I started going by a nickname in college. At the time there were too many girls with the same first name so that was my reason, if asked. Then it was because I was tired of going by my legal name. Now it's that no one except my mother call me by my original name. Even my step dad, 25 years later, calls me by what I call my "common name".
It will take a lot of reminding and eventually getting to the point where if someone calls you your longer name you have to pretend they're talking to someone else, and then correcting them.
Occasionally people will deliberately call you the wrong name. I start out by correcting them and if they don't get in line I turn to calling them the wrong name in return. Or by their middle name. It usually only takes a few rounds of "push my boundaries" to realize it's not having the effect they want. I think only once did I resort to calling someone a swear word in response but it was one of those "can't you take a joke" assholes so c'est ça.
posted by fiercekitten at 10:21 PM on September 12, 2023 [3 favorites]

My experience has been that it's impossible to impose use of a particular form of my name on people.

Let's say my full name is Nicholas*. Most of the world, from my mum onwards, from early years on, has called me Nick. I used to put quite a lot of effort, particularly professionally, to be Nicholas, not Nick. I gave up when I was in my early thirties. The world, for whatever reason, mostly thinks of me as Nick and making peace with that has been good for me. YMMV.




*It's not.
posted by deadwax at 10:26 PM on September 12, 2023

How do I make this not weird?

If you mean not weird for other people , then for people who know you by the long name try something like "4-Syllable Name always feels so long and formal. I never liked the usual nicknames enough to switch, but I'm trying out Unusual Nickname. Humor me, I'm hoping it sticks." (I feel like often when people get weird about name changes it's because they feel imposed upon or like the other person is putting on airs. Since you're going from a long name to a shorter one, that's less of a factor.)

For the new people you already introduced yourself to with the long name, just "Call me Short Name" as a gesture of intimacy, as another comment said.
posted by trig at 10:33 PM on September 12, 2023

"The old name is a reminder of a different time in my life. I am moving on."
"I've outgrown that name."
"I use this name now... It isn't the first time I changed my given name. This suits me better."
"I've been using this name professionally/personally for some time now."

From my own experiences, there have been others with similar sounding names or initials which encouraged a name change.
posted by TrishaU at 11:49 PM on September 12, 2023

If you are part of a queer community this will likely be a non-issue, just let close friends know and correct folks who don’t know you as well as it comes up. For stuff like group emails, be sure to have your preferred name in your signature and as the name associated with your email contact so that’s what it shows up as in people’s inboxes. If you know someone who is one of those chatty folks that seems to be friends with everyone else and always knows people’s business, make sure to tell them and ask them to help you out with the change. I refer to these people as “social nodes” and they have a lot of value even if you aren’t very close with them so be sure to do stuff like exchange invites and holiday cards and all.

If someone decides to be an ass about it, one thing I’ve seen trans friends successfully do is revoke the first name privilege entirely. Ass: “oh look, it’s Deadname McGee!” Friend: “That’s Mr. McGee to you, actually.” And then they don’t respond unless they are called by their title and last name. Power move, and if the ass misgenders them by title it really makes clear just what kind of shit they are stirring.

Mostly just aim for consistency. If there are really close people who you deem allowed to call you your previous/long name, ask that they still go with the nickname in a group. Change it on all your online spaces and do the relevant HR stuff at work for it. Add it on things like insurance and banking info as a nickname or preferred name. Make a habit of briefly correcting someone when they get it wrong and then moving on immediately with the conversation. People change their names all the time for so many reasons, I bet you will run into less friction than you expect.
posted by Mizu at 12:26 AM on September 13, 2023 [5 favorites]

There's an old riddle:
Q. What is yours, but is more often used by other people?
A. Your name.
So we don't always have complete control over the process. My grandparents saddled my father with two niche hard-to-spell dynastic names. Shortly after joining the British navy as a teen, he became willy-nilly "Harpy" from a supposed resemblance to a cartoon and/or coming from Ireland. There is a long naval tradition of default nicknames based on [Lastname]: Clarkes are Nobby; Millers are Dusty; Martins are Pincher.
posted by BobTheScientist at 1:12 AM on September 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

My daughter has a very feminine first name that's four syllables and sometimes mistaken for a more common, similar feminine name.

So around her first birthday , we started to have her go by a three-letter diminutive of that name. The nickname is a tribute to her grandpa.

Still sometimes the full name comes up (such as at school) and we just say, "it's a bit of a mouthful, so she goes by (nickname)."

When we're feeling silly, we say, "the full name is bigger than she is" or, "we're giving her some time to grow into the full name."

Sometimes people do use the full name regardless, my daughter solves the problem by looking slightly perplexed and then not responding. You're welcome to take on her strategy.
posted by champers at 3:25 AM on September 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

I knew a guy who in middle age decided to go from Jonathan to Jack. He would remind folks, and eventually the transformation took place with the people I knew. It was part of a deliberate attention to his own self and what that self would be and become. I thought it was pretty cool and I think that will be how people greet you too.

The credit-card comment above is perfect. You can say that you are rebranding and using the full name will be a signal that a telemarketer is afoot. Have fun with it!
posted by drowsy at 6:08 AM on September 13, 2023

Best answer: This is, in general, not as big a deal as you might worry it is. You basically address it as it comes up, and the important part is to own it. New people are easy- "my name is [newname]." People who know you by your old name? "Oh hey, I'm going by [newname] now." No apologies. No explanation necessary, unless you feel like giving one. Some important mental framing is that it is not rude to remind people if they slip up initially; the actual faux pas is not addressing people the way they want to be addressed.

Tips from Genderville: people who change names for gender reasons often soft launch with trusted friends first. This gives you an opportunity to get used to hearing it and feel more like it's yours, which goes back to the owning it part. (Even the 'right' name can feel weird for a while when you've spent x number of decades being called something else.) I personally also used mine online and when I'd order coffee, packages for delivery, etc. first. If you're using your new name across the board, just changing email/signature/what have you will tip off people who are more conscientious about these things.

You can, but don't have to, make an out-of-context announcement. My first name change was to a shortened, more gender-neutral version of my previous name, and for people closer in I specifically told them, in conjunction with a pronoun change. I am more circumspect about gender professionally, but even people not in the loop on that part and who I did not bother specifically telling eventually caught on to the name part when I kept signing my emails accordingly.

People change their names all the time for all kinds of reasons. You get to do it and it's not weird to! Enjoy living into the one that feels better for you.
posted by wormtales at 6:14 AM on September 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

Don't give good explanations, but give people just enough that some cool rumors start to swirl around you. Possibilities:
"Now that I have completed the Trials I am called my True Name, _________"
(If you're in the USA): "Here in [whatever state you're in] call me ________"
"Once I saw it, you know, really saw it, I knew I could never go back. So now I'm ________"
"That was my name in the shelter but once a family adopted me they changed it to ________"
"I just think ______ sounds better when my lovers shout it in the night."


Or just make a movie reference, especially one that will be funny to your friends:
"Yes.... that was what they used to call me. That was my name. I am ____________. And I come back to you now, at the turn of the tide."
"That name no longer has any meaning for me."


I know [whatever your full name is] wouldn't have understood, but you get it.
posted by secretseasons at 7:36 AM on September 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

Consistency is important. If you have been called Janey by your family for forty-five years they will likely struggle hard to change what they call you, and they will reinforce the old name by using it with each other when you are not there. This means that you need to get family really on board, such as if they feel funny to be calling a grown woman by your kiddy nickname after you have long outgrown it, or if they realise they are being cruel to you when they use it. You will still have to correct them every single time they slip up, and it will work better if you make it a very simple, not an emotionally laden correction, "Jane, please." You may need to train them to use the new name so that they can avoid having every conversation peppered with you saying, "Jane, please," every time you get mentioned or directly addressed. However this alone may not even train them to call you by your desired name but instead train them to not use any name for you at all.

Try to minimize the emotional labour people have to do - Make it easy for them to get your name correct and spare them as much as you can from negative personal anecdotes as to why your new name matters, and how mean people are for misnaming you. "My thesis advisor called me Jane instead of Janey and it felt so good!" will go over well, but "I never ever felt really loved by my parents, so I don't want to be called by that stupid baby nickname!" will not.

Keep in mind positive and negative reinforcement. Negative reinforcement should be that they don't get away with the mistake but they don't get punished for it either. When ever they use the wrong name correct them but do not shame or let them see it upsets you. Positive reinforcement means giving them a reward when they use the correct name. Smile and give them eye contact and pay more attention to what they say and what they want when they use your correct name. People that love you will be happy to sprinkle their conversation with your new name and will associate it with a positive change, if you beam whenever they use it. People that love you will see how much you like your new name and how important it is to you if you get things monogrammed with it. This is a good time for custom mugs and note pads and putting framed certificates with the correct name up on the wall.

When changing your name with coworkers, consistency is still a critical thing to watch for. It's not just making sure your sig line is correct and always signing with the new name, it requires actually waving your new name under their nose a lot. It will help to move to third person from first person when it is stylistically reasonable. So when writing something where you compare what you, Bob and Javon all contributed to a project, use your own name rather than the pronoun I. Bob did the marketing research, Jane did the coding, Javon did the project management.

Strongly avoid doing the name change project with people you know well until you are sure your name choice is final. Your friends and family will have to be quite sympathetic if they are to provide the emotional labour inherent in remembering your name changes. They are going to make mistakes and that will make them uncomfortable. If you put them through renaming you multiple times, it's going to result in many more failures, and they are likely to stop caring if they get it right or not. The first name change is likely to be the only one they take seriously. So try on your new name for a few weeks with acquaintances and strangers, and only then go all in with everybody you know. You don't want anyone to hear or see anyone else using the old name. If your coworker hears your mother call you Janey, they will think of the name Janey as what people who really like you call you... and could use the wrong name simply because they like you so much.
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:43 AM on September 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

I have the opposite problem: I go by my full four-syllable name, and half of the people I introduce myself to ask if I go by the common shortening. The other half just shorten it without asking, often even after I've corrected them several times.
What I'm getting at is that I suspect you'll be surprised at how easy this transition is, since people are apparently SO LAZY about long names. I swear I could tell people I go by "Zog" or "Blard" and they would be so relieved they didn't have to say an extra couple syllables that I would get less pushback than I do with my totally normal human name.
posted by Krawczak at 1:52 PM on September 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

My government name is long enough to have three plausible short versions, one implausible one, and a Latinization that's also acceptable as a name. I had a middle name to match. When I was starting to learn to write, my parents and teachers realized suddenly that no way, no way in hell, was 'the first thing you learn to write is your name' going to work. So they agreed I would start going by a diminutive of that name, that is a) shorter and b) easier to spell and c) sounds like a cute appropriate name on a three-year-old.

Unfortunately, on an adult, it sounds like a stripper name.

I deleted the middle name and go by the implausible short version of my government name. Most places that ask for my government name are pretty good at having a 'preferred name' box and using it. Most people I deal with in real life adjusted pretty seamlessly. My mum still calls me by my stripper name.
posted by ngaiotonga at 3:04 PM on September 13, 2023

Response by poster: Thanks, all! The rebranding (heh) is in fact for gender reasons - so that comic by Sarah/Shay Mirk was in fact exactly what I needed to read.
posted by zeptoweasel at 5:19 PM on September 13, 2023 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Update, for anyone who is me from two weeks ago: everyone has been extremely chill about it so far. The explanation that I decided to abbreviate my name for aerodynamic reasons was particularly well received.
posted by zeptoweasel at 6:45 PM on September 25, 2023 [5 favorites]