How can I politely get people to stop using a nickname?
March 12, 2012 3:35 PM Subscribe
My name is Michael. A very small number of people call me Mike, which I don't regard as my name, but I don't really think it's a big deal. The only time it really bugs me is when they introduce me to other people as Mike or send group e-mails addressed to Mike, because then others think my name is Mike. What is the most polite way to request that someone use my actual name? Do you think this is a petty request?
Right now the two people who do this are a secretary in my department who I rarely see and one in another department thousands of miles away. I suspect they got the idea that my name is Mike from each other and I would prefer it not to spread further.
Right now the two people who do this are a secretary in my department who I rarely see and one in another department thousands of miles away. I suspect they got the idea that my name is Mike from each other and I would prefer it not to spread further.
"Actually, I prefer Michael. Thanks."
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 3:37 PM on March 12, 2012 [16 favorites]
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 3:37 PM on March 12, 2012 [16 favorites]
If you're there for the introduction, I think it's easy:
Secretary: Dr. Bob, this is Mike.
You: ::putting out hand for Dr. Bob to shake:: Michael, actually; good to meet you, Dr. Bob.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:37 PM on March 12, 2012 [4 favorites]
Secretary: Dr. Bob, this is Mike.
You: ::putting out hand for Dr. Bob to shake:: Michael, actually; good to meet you, Dr. Bob.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:37 PM on March 12, 2012 [4 favorites]
Not at all a petty request. Saying, "I generally go by Michael, not Mike" is perfectly fine. More in person than if it is via email -secretary says "New guy, this is Mike!", you say, "Hi, how do you do... I actually generally go by Michael.".
posted by kellyblah at 3:38 PM on March 12, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by kellyblah at 3:38 PM on March 12, 2012 [2 favorites]
Group email-wise, send a reply email as soon as you can with something like "Hey, nice to meet you!" and sign it Michael.
I do this all the time because of a constantly misspelled first name. It usually works.
posted by troika at 3:38 PM on March 12, 2012
I do this all the time because of a constantly misspelled first name. It usually works.
posted by troika at 3:38 PM on March 12, 2012
Agree with the above. It's not petty. I'm always embarrassed when I find out I've made a mistake like that and make sure I correct it in the future.
posted by vincele at 3:38 PM on March 12, 2012
posted by vincele at 3:38 PM on March 12, 2012
I don't think there's anything wrong with saying, "I prefer Michael" whenever Mike comes up. You have every right to want to be called what you want, but some people are jerks and will make a huge deal out of it and maybe deliberately use the "wrong" name to bug you because it's "funny." For those people, you would be better served developing a thick skin about it rather than kicking up a fuss and giving them the satisfaction of knowing they irritate you.
posted by MegoSteve at 3:39 PM on March 12, 2012
posted by MegoSteve at 3:39 PM on March 12, 2012
I have a friend named Elizabeth who clearly stated that she wanted to be called that instead of Liz (which I called her a few times). I still call her Liz in my head but in person I try to respect her wishes. Nicknames are friendlier- that's why people like them. However I know a few Davids and Michaels too who don't want to be Dave and Mikes. Just sign your email Michael, or interject 'Michael here' in emails...people will get the idea. Or the majority of people will, anyway.
posted by bquarters at 3:39 PM on March 12, 2012
posted by bquarters at 3:39 PM on March 12, 2012
In that case, the next time they do it, reply to only them with an email that says "Just want to let you know that I actually go by Michael, thanks."
posted by brainmouse at 3:40 PM on March 12, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by brainmouse at 3:40 PM on March 12, 2012 [5 favorites]
Not to look down on the very important work that secretaries do (I rely on our department's constantly), but given that their job is to make introductions and exchange contact information correctly, a direct e-mail to each kindly asking them to please not introduce you as Mike is probably called for here.
posted by supercres at 3:40 PM on March 12, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by supercres at 3:40 PM on March 12, 2012 [4 favorites]
And it's not petty at all. It's part of your professional "branding". "Petty" is nuking a friendly darts league from orbit when they neglect to include your middle initial.
posted by supercres at 3:44 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by supercres at 3:44 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
I have this problem, as well as the long (preferred) version of my name having about 8 different common spelling variants.
What I do in email: After I've answered the substance of the email, I add one line at the end with something like "By the way, I go by [long name]." Be casual but concise, don't apologize, don't pad with explanations, and don't lead with it or they'll read the rest of the email with your correction in mind.
And if it's someone who continually misspells my name I add something like "My parents' unusual choice ensured I'd have this exchange throughout my life: My name is actually spelled [correct spelling]. Hey, at least they didn't name me [impossible, unheard of name they gave my brother]." The humor gets good responses.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 3:46 PM on March 12, 2012
What I do in email: After I've answered the substance of the email, I add one line at the end with something like "By the way, I go by [long name]." Be casual but concise, don't apologize, don't pad with explanations, and don't lead with it or they'll read the rest of the email with your correction in mind.
And if it's someone who continually misspells my name I add something like "My parents' unusual choice ensured I'd have this exchange throughout my life: My name is actually spelled [correct spelling]. Hey, at least they didn't name me [impossible, unheard of name they gave my brother]." The humor gets good responses.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 3:46 PM on March 12, 2012
It is definitely not "petty" to want to be called by your name instead of something that's not your name. What could be more innocuous than telling someone your name? For instance, I'm John. When people call me "Jonathan," I just say the simple sentence which I just said to you and which I've said thousands of times in my life: "I'm John." Anyone who works with you will surely want to know this information.
posted by John Cohen at 3:56 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by John Cohen at 3:56 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
I think this is a fine and understandable request to make, but you can only say it a few times before you have to let it go and just let them call you Mike. Otherwise you become "that guy"...
Especially over email.
posted by sweetkid at 3:57 PM on March 12, 2012
Especially over email.
posted by sweetkid at 3:57 PM on March 12, 2012
Sign your emails. Not with the full-on signature, but with "Thanks, Michael." If I don't know what moniker a colleague prefers, I try to find evidence of what they call themselves.
If you ever need to talk to one of the Mike-ers for any reason, even if it's a brief question, call them instead of emailing or stopping by their desk. This way you can start with "Hi, it's Michael." (If everyone has caller ID, invent an excuse to call from your cell.) Repeat as needed.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:59 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
If you ever need to talk to one of the Mike-ers for any reason, even if it's a brief question, call them instead of emailing or stopping by their desk. This way you can start with "Hi, it's Michael." (If everyone has caller ID, invent an excuse to call from your cell.) Repeat as needed.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:59 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
Otherwise you become "that guy"...
I'm not sure I agree with this. I think for some people nicknames and their real names are more interchangeable but for a lot of people they aren't. My sister is Katherine and this is what she goes by professionally. Some people call her Kate but some people call her Katy and this is Not Her Name. They might as well call her Kathy or something else that is their own version of what her name might be.
I get that some names have only one obvious nickname, but [as someone who has a name with a short version that I am pretty clear is Not My Name] I don't think it's unreasonable or petty to be pretty firm and direct about this. This is especially true in an academic situation where this might be affecting the way other students or faculty might learn what your name is, much less what you like to be called. I think it's okay to do as many people have been saying and mention it at the end of an email to them and then make sure your emails contain your complete first name.
posted by jessamyn at 4:05 PM on March 12, 2012 [9 favorites]
I'm not sure I agree with this. I think for some people nicknames and their real names are more interchangeable but for a lot of people they aren't. My sister is Katherine and this is what she goes by professionally. Some people call her Kate but some people call her Katy and this is Not Her Name. They might as well call her Kathy or something else that is their own version of what her name might be.
I get that some names have only one obvious nickname, but [as someone who has a name with a short version that I am pretty clear is Not My Name] I don't think it's unreasonable or petty to be pretty firm and direct about this. This is especially true in an academic situation where this might be affecting the way other students or faculty might learn what your name is, much less what you like to be called. I think it's okay to do as many people have been saying and mention it at the end of an email to them and then make sure your emails contain your complete first name.
posted by jessamyn at 4:05 PM on March 12, 2012 [9 favorites]
Best answer: For the immediate problem of the two secretaries, I actually think it's less awkward to deal with this via email. I'd write one email with both of them on it (and throw in the other secretary or administrative people if there are any) with a nice, short note. Maybe even make it sound like it's your fault: "Sorry, but I forgot to mention that I generally prefer to go by Michael. No big deal so far but please use Michael in the future. Thanks!"
posted by mullacc at 4:08 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by mullacc at 4:08 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
For the immediate problem of the two secretaries, I actually think it's less awkward to deal with this via email. I'd write one email with both of them on it (and throw in the other secretary or administrative people if there are any) with a nice, short note. Maybe even make it sound like it's your fault: "Sorry, but I forgot to mention that I generally prefer to go by Michael. No big deal so far but please use Michael in the future. Thanks!"
No way I would write a separate email devoted to this topic. And no way would I write it to multiple recipients. And no way would I include others who have not yet erred. That's just a way to come across as petty and brooding.
Slip it into some other email as others have suggested. And watch using too much of a passive-aggressive -- "Gee, it's great to be correcting someone as super nice as you!" -- tone. Just a polite, casual aside.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 4:14 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
No way I would write a separate email devoted to this topic. And no way would I write it to multiple recipients. And no way would I include others who have not yet erred. That's just a way to come across as petty and brooding.
Slip it into some other email as others have suggested. And watch using too much of a passive-aggressive -- "Gee, it's great to be correcting someone as super nice as you!" -- tone. Just a polite, casual aside.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 4:14 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
This isn't a petty request; most people with my name abbreviate it, but I go by my full name. My brother's the same way. I think you could definitely clarify this with a line above the email signature, e.g.,
Thanks!
-Michael-
Michael Lastname, Title
Your Company, etc.
Or
Best,
Michael
Michael Lastname, Title
Your Company, etc.
posted by limeonaire at 4:16 PM on March 12, 2012
Thanks!
-Michael-
Michael Lastname, Title
Your Company, etc.
Or
Best,
Michael
Michael Lastname, Title
Your Company, etc.
posted by limeonaire at 4:16 PM on March 12, 2012
I don't think it's a petty request at all. Some people are really carefree about how they are addressed, and some people have a stronger preference. People whose work revolves around making contacts and schmoozing are used to taking these kind of minor corrections in stride and with grace.
(My name is Michael, too. I once had a new vendor ask how I preferred to be addressed; I said "Eh, I'll answer to just about anything. Michael, or Mike... You could say 'Hey, asshole!' and I'd probably answer." For the next few months, I got emails from him that started "Hey, asshole!" I loved it.)
posted by xedrik at 4:20 PM on March 12, 2012 [6 favorites]
(My name is Michael, too. I once had a new vendor ask how I preferred to be addressed; I said "Eh, I'll answer to just about anything. Michael, or Mike... You could say 'Hey, asshole!' and I'd probably answer." For the next few months, I got emails from him that started "Hey, asshole!" I loved it.)
posted by xedrik at 4:20 PM on March 12, 2012 [6 favorites]
I've corrected people over email before, generally as a breezy sort of postscript to the actual reply. (ps. "I prefer "Judith" to "Judy", thanks!"). I find "Judy" sort of teeth-grindingly awful, so I'd rather risk being a little annoying about it than put up with it.
posted by judith at 4:28 PM on March 12, 2012
posted by judith at 4:28 PM on March 12, 2012
As a sufferer of Jon/Jonathan syndrome, I simply lead off with:
"Please, call me Jon." And then just roll into the normal email content. It's so similar to the phrase that people use when switching from formal-last-name to informal-first-name that most people seem to respond warmly to it.
posted by introp at 4:35 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
"Please, call me Jon." And then just roll into the normal email content. It's so similar to the phrase that people use when switching from formal-last-name to informal-first-name that most people seem to respond warmly to it.
posted by introp at 4:35 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
This is totally reasonable! People frequently mix up my name with a more common, shorter version (similar to Julie vs. Juliette). In person, I just say, it's Juliette, nice to meet you; when someone address me wrong in an email I just make sure to sign things Juliette and include Juliette in my signature. I find people don't make that mistake more than once (and I think it's a typo some of the time).
(Also, it might be worth telling the two people. I was too shy to correct someone once, in college, and he called me Julie for months. Then he referred to me as Julie in the middle of class, and someone loudly called him out, "Julie, who's that, do you mean Juliette?" and it was just embarrassing for everyone. Tactfully sending them a quick note privately, next time they call you Mike, might be kinder for everyone. You could just say, hey, by the way, I prefer Michael to Mike. Thanks!)
posted by min at 4:36 PM on March 12, 2012
(Also, it might be worth telling the two people. I was too shy to correct someone once, in college, and he called me Julie for months. Then he referred to me as Julie in the middle of class, and someone loudly called him out, "Julie, who's that, do you mean Juliette?" and it was just embarrassing for everyone. Tactfully sending them a quick note privately, next time they call you Mike, might be kinder for everyone. You could just say, hey, by the way, I prefer Michael to Mike. Thanks!)
posted by min at 4:36 PM on March 12, 2012
I think it's fine to correct them and sometimes there's just no other way. "FYI I'm Michael rather than Mike" is fine. (I don't know if this is the case, but you can always tack on "My dad/cousin/dog/dead uncle is Mike" to soften the correction, make it your problem rather than theirs.)
I deal with a ton of customers, and probably a third of them either have "real name policies" or IT departments that decide from your resume what your name is, so what's on email isn't even right anyway. I know I must be calling some of them the wrong name - I've got a Stephen I'm 80% sure goes by Steve but he never does it in email, but his coworker Antonio always signs off "Tony" - and would far rather they just tell me if I'm wrong. People spell my name wrong all the time and clearly don't give a shit and I find it rude as hell, surely y'all must feel the same way.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:37 PM on March 12, 2012
I deal with a ton of customers, and probably a third of them either have "real name policies" or IT departments that decide from your resume what your name is, so what's on email isn't even right anyway. I know I must be calling some of them the wrong name - I've got a Stephen I'm 80% sure goes by Steve but he never does it in email, but his coworker Antonio always signs off "Tony" - and would far rather they just tell me if I'm wrong. People spell my name wrong all the time and clearly don't give a shit and I find it rude as hell, surely y'all must feel the same way.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:37 PM on March 12, 2012
Assuming the tone of the correspondence can withstand a smiley and some self-deprecation:
"Most people know me as Michael. If people call me 'Mike' I don't realize they're talking to me or I think I got a misdirected email :)"
posted by holterbarbour at 4:39 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
"Most people know me as Michael. If people call me 'Mike' I don't realize they're talking to me or I think I got a misdirected email :)"
posted by holterbarbour at 4:39 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
Yeah, I get this all the time. My name is Patrick, and - for whatever reason - I've always hated being called Pat. I just tell people, in email or in person. As I'm relaxed about every other variant, I usually say something to the effect of "You can call me anything you like, but please not Pat. I don't like being called Pat."
Most people cotton on quickly, a few people struggle with it, and some people I speak to so rarely I just cut my losses. To my knowledge no one has ever gotten their pants in a twist about it, but if they do - I don't really care; I have to live with the irritation not them. More broadly, I think most people have a more or less obvious nickname they abhor, so peeps are generally pretty understanding.
posted by smoke at 5:00 PM on March 12, 2012
Most people cotton on quickly, a few people struggle with it, and some people I speak to so rarely I just cut my losses. To my knowledge no one has ever gotten their pants in a twist about it, but if they do - I don't really care; I have to live with the irritation not them. More broadly, I think most people have a more or less obvious nickname they abhor, so peeps are generally pretty understanding.
posted by smoke at 5:00 PM on March 12, 2012
Let them know, kindly and directly.
I've made this mistake referring to someone as Dave, when they actually went by David, they told me directly and I was embarrassed, and never made the mistake again and in no way thought they where being unreasonable.
posted by edgeways at 5:10 PM on March 12, 2012
I've made this mistake referring to someone as Dave, when they actually went by David, they told me directly and I was embarrassed, and never made the mistake again and in no way thought they where being unreasonable.
posted by edgeways at 5:10 PM on March 12, 2012
No way I would write a separate email devoted to this topic. And no way would I write it to multiple recipients. And no way would I include others who have not yet erred. That's just a way to come across as petty and brooding.
You're totally wrong. No one notices or remembers the secondary topic in an email. And addressing it within another email is passive aggressive. Write the email to multiple recipients in order to avoid singling anyone out. If you think you made a mistake others have also made, you're less likely to be defensive about it. Just don't mix in people of varying levels of seniority.
This will be the exact opposite of petty and brooding. It'll be refreshingly direct without being confrontational.
posted by mullacc at 5:18 PM on March 12, 2012
You're totally wrong. No one notices or remembers the secondary topic in an email. And addressing it within another email is passive aggressive. Write the email to multiple recipients in order to avoid singling anyone out. If you think you made a mistake others have also made, you're less likely to be defensive about it. Just don't mix in people of varying levels of seniority.
This will be the exact opposite of petty and brooding. It'll be refreshingly direct without being confrontational.
posted by mullacc at 5:18 PM on March 12, 2012
My name is Maureen. One of my new staff once greeted me with "Hi Moe! Do people ever call you Moe?" I gave him a big smile and said "Not more than once." Then we all burst out laughing, but he never called me Moe again.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 5:19 PM on March 12, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 5:19 PM on March 12, 2012 [6 favorites]
If this is only over email, just make sure everything you do always has the name Michael on it. Stamp it on there constantly.
If you rarely see the two secretaries, then you could shoot them both emails stating that you'd like to be referred to as Michael. Try to be as nice as humanly possible.
posted by mleigh at 5:35 PM on March 12, 2012
If you rarely see the two secretaries, then you could shoot them both emails stating that you'd like to be referred to as Michael. Try to be as nice as humanly possible.
posted by mleigh at 5:35 PM on March 12, 2012
There are several Mikes in my life, and I go by Michael.
I don't mind people calling me Mike, but when I hear someone say, "Hey Mike!" or when I get an email addressed to multiple people and it mentions "Mike" I assume that I'm not being addressed and I ignore it.
This will very occasionally lead to people saying, "Hey, I sent you that email and never heard back" and me saying, "Oh, I thought you meant it for Mike."
So yeah, I feel your pain. But unless it has the potential to cause confusion, I don't generally correct people.
But I DO sign everything Michael, and specifically say "Michael" when I meet people, even if I've been introduced as "Mike."
The only time I get really annoyed is when I introduce myself as "Michael" and they immediately say, "Do you go by Michael or Mike?" I've already answered that question, and I hate repeating myself.
posted by coolguymichael at 5:41 PM on March 12, 2012
I don't mind people calling me Mike, but when I hear someone say, "Hey Mike!" or when I get an email addressed to multiple people and it mentions "Mike" I assume that I'm not being addressed and I ignore it.
This will very occasionally lead to people saying, "Hey, I sent you that email and never heard back" and me saying, "Oh, I thought you meant it for Mike."
So yeah, I feel your pain. But unless it has the potential to cause confusion, I don't generally correct people.
But I DO sign everything Michael, and specifically say "Michael" when I meet people, even if I've been introduced as "Mike."
The only time I get really annoyed is when I introduce myself as "Michael" and they immediately say, "Do you go by Michael or Mike?" I've already answered that question, and I hate repeating myself.
posted by coolguymichael at 5:41 PM on March 12, 2012
My name is Sebastian and understandably it's been abbreviated about 100000 ways. This has never bothered me, but it does piss me off when I'm introduced as a nickname. So, yep, I'm witcha.
Politely requesting your full name be used is fine, but if there are a couple of people (i.e. secretaries) who are responsible for sending your name out regularly, then having a chat with them about your preferences might be a good idea.
posted by Sebmojo at 5:50 PM on March 12, 2012
Politely requesting your full name be used is fine, but if there are a couple of people (i.e. secretaries) who are responsible for sending your name out regularly, then having a chat with them about your preferences might be a good idea.
posted by Sebmojo at 5:50 PM on March 12, 2012
I also prefer the long form of my name, and yet I'm also someone who regularly forgets and shortens names. Signing your preferred name to emails helps me remember who's a Dave and who's a David, but I also have no problem with being politely corrected.
The next time one of the secretaries introduces you via email as Mike, I think it can be perfectly polite to write back (to just her, not the whole list) and say "Hi Linda, could you call me Michael instead? I much prefer it to Mike. Thanks!" Don't correct her every single time if she forgets, but if there are 3 in a row, a quick reminder email that says the exact same thing and does NOT get into the number of times she's been reminded is fine too.
In person, I must admit I have referred to people by variants of their name which I am SURE they do not prefer. It makes the point, at least.
(Another thing that does sometime help me with the terminal nick-ers: I don't like the common shortening of my name, but I go by T in some circles, so if someone's forgotten more than once I tell them they can call me T. Interestingly, this seems to circumvent the programming in their brain and makes it MUCH MORE LIKELY that they use my full name, rather than either the nickname or just plain T. I don't know why, but it's happened 4 or 5 times at work. If you have some other friendly nickname that's not too unbusinesslike, you might be able to try that.)
posted by tchemgrrl at 6:10 PM on March 12, 2012
The next time one of the secretaries introduces you via email as Mike, I think it can be perfectly polite to write back (to just her, not the whole list) and say "Hi Linda, could you call me Michael instead? I much prefer it to Mike. Thanks!" Don't correct her every single time if she forgets, but if there are 3 in a row, a quick reminder email that says the exact same thing and does NOT get into the number of times she's been reminded is fine too.
In person, I must admit I have referred to people by variants of their name which I am SURE they do not prefer. It makes the point, at least.
(Another thing that does sometime help me with the terminal nick-ers: I don't like the common shortening of my name, but I go by T in some circles, so if someone's forgotten more than once I tell them they can call me T. Interestingly, this seems to circumvent the programming in their brain and makes it MUCH MORE LIKELY that they use my full name, rather than either the nickname or just plain T. I don't know why, but it's happened 4 or 5 times at work. If you have some other friendly nickname that's not too unbusinesslike, you might be able to try that.)
posted by tchemgrrl at 6:10 PM on March 12, 2012
This is not a petty request. And please don't hesitate to tell people "my name is Michael" because otherwise half your friends will use one and half will use the other. This is what happened to my husband, and it was so confusing that I had to give up and ask him what he wanted to be called early in our acquaintance.
Nthing a polite in-person talk with your local person and either a polite email or a polite aside in an on-topic direct email to the other person to get this straightened.
posted by immlass at 6:18 PM on March 12, 2012
Nthing a polite in-person talk with your local person and either a polite email or a polite aside in an on-topic direct email to the other person to get this straightened.
posted by immlass at 6:18 PM on March 12, 2012
Instead of "I'd like to...", say, "sorry, for business purposes, I need to be called Michael, so people recognize me, thanks and have a wonderful day." No more explanation needed.
posted by Vaike at 6:33 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Vaike at 6:33 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
Definitely not petty, and I'll nth the polite, direct approach. More subtly, you might also try conspiring with a few sympathetic friends who undertake to call you Michael in the presence of intransigent others -- loudly, frequently and meaningfully (on email threads as well as in person) -- until said intransigents get it.
PS I can still call you Hoffers, right? :P
posted by idlethink at 7:06 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
PS I can still call you Hoffers, right? :P
posted by idlethink at 7:06 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
I don't think it's petty at all. I once was on the other end, where I met someone online whose username was Matthew, so when I wrote to him and then later spoke on the phone, I called him Matthew. I heard him refer to himself as Matt, and then felt silly for calling him Matthew, even though I had no reason to think he preferred the nickname. So I flat-out asked him if he preferred Matt, to which he said yes. My point is that this was awkward and embarrassing to me to *not* have been immediately corrected by him. So I recommend simply saying the name you prefer in such a way that you correct the error though your tone: "Joe, I'd like you to meet Mike." "*Michael* (smile) Nice to meet you, Joe." Or just say, "I go by Michael," or "Michael, actually."
And nthing the in-person talk or private email with the people who refer to you as Mike. Just say something to the effect of, "I am sorry I haven't corrected you sooner, and I don't mean to cause you embarrassment, but from now on, can you refer to me as Michael. I just want the continuity so people all recognize me as me when my name is said. More people refer to me as Michael, and I prefer that name to Mike."
posted by LillyBird at 7:11 PM on March 12, 2012
And nthing the in-person talk or private email with the people who refer to you as Mike. Just say something to the effect of, "I am sorry I haven't corrected you sooner, and I don't mean to cause you embarrassment, but from now on, can you refer to me as Michael. I just want the continuity so people all recognize me as me when my name is said. More people refer to me as Michael, and I prefer that name to Mike."
posted by LillyBird at 7:11 PM on March 12, 2012
You're totally wrong. No one notices or remembers the secondary topic in an email. And addressing it within another email is passive aggressive. Write the email to multiple recipients in order to avoid singling anyone out. If you think you made a mistake others have also made, you're less likely to be defensive about it. Just don't mix in people of varying levels of seniority.
This will be the exact opposite of petty and brooding. It'll be refreshingly direct without being confrontational.
My perception was that this would stick out plenty for the secretaries that are being addressed, and that it was kinder to tell them in a way that didn't correct them in front of others. Correcting them with others on the same message might just beget a side convo to the effect of "What a tool . . ." And I would be sympathetic to that response to a message like "Sorry, but I forgot to mention that I generally prefer to go by Michael. No big deal so far but please use Michael in the future. Thanks!" That tone just struck me as insincere, particularly the "so far" (threat) combined with the faux apology.
I shouldn't have said passive-aggressive; I don't either form of email is, particularly. Guess we just differ, and perhaps I am totally wrong.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 7:18 PM on March 12, 2012 [2 favorites]
This will be the exact opposite of petty and brooding. It'll be refreshingly direct without being confrontational.
My perception was that this would stick out plenty for the secretaries that are being addressed, and that it was kinder to tell them in a way that didn't correct them in front of others. Correcting them with others on the same message might just beget a side convo to the effect of "What a tool . . ." And I would be sympathetic to that response to a message like "Sorry, but I forgot to mention that I generally prefer to go by Michael. No big deal so far but please use Michael in the future. Thanks!" That tone just struck me as insincere, particularly the "so far" (threat) combined with the faux apology.
I shouldn't have said passive-aggressive; I don't either form of email is, particularly. Guess we just differ, and perhaps I am totally wrong.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 7:18 PM on March 12, 2012 [2 favorites]
Whatever you do, do it quickly. I recently had my friend Dave, of 10 years, tell me "Actually I go by David." I was very WTF?! for a few weeks. It felt weird that he didn't tell me sooner. It wasn't a big deal, but I felt bad. Quicker is better.
I would call the secretaries. Don't email them. You're must more personable on the phone. We all are :) It makes it easier to get things done.
posted by manicure12 at 7:29 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
I would call the secretaries. Don't email them. You're must more personable on the phone. We all are :) It makes it easier to get things done.
posted by manicure12 at 7:29 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
Oh god - please heed the advice and act soon. My dad has been going by a nickname in his professional life since about 1980 (if not earlier) that he HATES. He felt exactly as you do but was too shy/timid/embarrassed to say anything. At some point it became too weird to correct people anyway because it had been going on for so many years, and he eventually admitted defeat and now he just introduces himself at work as Nickname and answers his work phone as "This is Nickname Lastname." To family and in social settings he is Fullname. I think at this point he almost considers it a dual persona and he's kind of over it, but I remember when I was little he would complain about it all. the. time. I adore him, but please do not be my dad. I cannot friggin believe he let it go on for his entire career and he will soon get retirement cards addressed to Bizzaro-Dad.
posted by gatorae at 7:30 PM on March 12, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by gatorae at 7:30 PM on March 12, 2012 [2 favorites]
It sounds like the secretaries are the protocol officers for your company. There is nothing wrong with a quiet confab to set your preferences. Do it by phone or in person, quietly.
posted by halfbuckaroo at 7:31 PM on March 12, 2012
posted by halfbuckaroo at 7:31 PM on March 12, 2012
This has happened to me *a lot*. I handle it like this and don't create hurt feelings in the process (which is what you want):
'I never really thought of myself as a Mike. I'm definitely more of a Michael.'
This takes the issue and removes it from the other person and places it onto you--which may be misleading at some level, but it spares their feelings and sends your message clearly. Works like a charm.
posted by yellowcandy at 8:33 PM on March 12, 2012 [2 favorites]
'I never really thought of myself as a Mike. I'm definitely more of a Michael.'
This takes the issue and removes it from the other person and places it onto you--which may be misleading at some level, but it spares their feelings and sends your message clearly. Works like a charm.
posted by yellowcandy at 8:33 PM on March 12, 2012 [2 favorites]
This is all by email - is there another Mike in any of these groups that you could use as a point of clarification?
i.e. email from A says "Hey B, you should talk to Mike in C's department about that." and cc's you. And you reply (to both A and B) and say "Just wanted to clarify, I'm Michael in C's group, and A did mean to refer you to me, not Mike Jones. Mike's in department D". Even if there's only the barest chance that anyone would confuse you, variants on the helpful clarification theme can be pretty flexible. You could even go so far as to write "I'm Michael (not Mike) in C's group."
You might want to avoid stating your last name in that context because "Michael A. Johnston" may or may not want to be called Mike, but since it's a safe bet he doesn't want to be called "Michael A. Johnston", it doesn't really clarify anything.
posted by aimedwander at 9:09 PM on March 12, 2012
i.e. email from A says "Hey B, you should talk to Mike in C's department about that." and cc's you. And you reply (to both A and B) and say "Just wanted to clarify, I'm Michael in C's group, and A did mean to refer you to me, not Mike Jones. Mike's in department D". Even if there's only the barest chance that anyone would confuse you, variants on the helpful clarification theme can be pretty flexible. You could even go so far as to write "I'm Michael (not Mike) in C's group."
You might want to avoid stating your last name in that context because "Michael A. Johnston" may or may not want to be called Mike, but since it's a safe bet he doesn't want to be called "Michael A. Johnston", it doesn't really clarify anything.
posted by aimedwander at 9:09 PM on March 12, 2012
It's not petty but it is tough. You can blame the bajillion of Mike Michaels that came before you. Most people if they get it wrong are not being malicious. A gentle reminder would suffice for most. For awhile, all my neighbors were named Mike except one guy...Mark. Damned if I couldn't keep straight which one was the Mark!
posted by amanda at 9:35 PM on March 12, 2012
posted by amanda at 9:35 PM on March 12, 2012
You can get people to call you whatever you want if you are:
Immediate
Polite
Consistent.
I use my middle name, and people use it because I correct them right away politely, every time.
posted by Monday at 9:37 PM on March 12, 2012
Immediate
Polite
Consistent.
I use my middle name, and people use it because I correct them right away politely, every time.
posted by Monday at 9:37 PM on March 12, 2012
Phone these people up a couple times and say, "hey, it's Michael...just calling to let you know that x, y, z" Department issues....whatever. Find ANY excuse to give them a couple calls. Do this just a couple times, and by *phone*.
The reason I would avoid an email is, if you send an e-mail solely addressing this fact, you will come off as....odd...to write an email on something like that.
Using it as a consistent sign off is good....but I've seen a number of people program automatic signatures using full names even though they use nicknames. ....A guy I work with signs his e-mails "David" but leaves notes signed "Dave". It's a bit confusing, but I try to go by the more personal, hand-written notes, not emails.
posted by Lt. Bunny Wigglesworth at 10:34 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
The reason I would avoid an email is, if you send an e-mail solely addressing this fact, you will come off as....odd...to write an email on something like that.
Using it as a consistent sign off is good....but I've seen a number of people program automatic signatures using full names even though they use nicknames. ....A guy I work with signs his e-mails "David" but leaves notes signed "Dave". It's a bit confusing, but I try to go by the more personal, hand-written notes, not emails.
posted by Lt. Bunny Wigglesworth at 10:34 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
brainmouse: "For in-person introductions it's easy: them: "Bob, this is Mike". you [while shaking hands]: "It's actually Michael, nice to meet you." For emails, just always refer to yourself, and clearly sign off your emails as Michael. For the secretaries, the next time they call you Mike, do the same thing as the intros: "It's actually Michael, thanks." -- say it nicely and with a smile, and you're good to go. It's fine to say it every time they call you Mike."
Hi, David here. Not Dave, David. The above is exactly how I handle these situations. But. There are some people who just won't get it and you can tell them until you are blue in the face and they'll still call you by the shorter version. At some point, you just have to grin and bear it or, yes, you end up being that guy. I just put those people on my list ...
posted by dg at 10:35 PM on March 12, 2012
Hi, David here. Not Dave, David. The above is exactly how I handle these situations. But. There are some people who just won't get it and you can tell them until you are blue in the face and they'll still call you by the shorter version. At some point, you just have to grin and bear it or, yes, you end up being that guy. I just put those people on my list ...
posted by dg at 10:35 PM on March 12, 2012
Mod note: Take non-answers to email please, thank you.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 10:52 PM on March 12, 2012
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 10:52 PM on March 12, 2012
Don't know how your corporate culture works, but are department secretaries responsible for business cards? Do you have any/need to re-order? You can talk to the local departmental secretary and make sure she knows your preference so that it's correct on your cards.
Obviously that won't work everywhere.
posted by Mad_Carew at 10:57 PM on March 12, 2012
Obviously that won't work everywhere.
posted by Mad_Carew at 10:57 PM on March 12, 2012
Oh this is a hot button one for me. I hate being called Kim. I never introduce myself as Kim, I sign all emails with Kimberly, etc. and people still do it. I just don't understand the presumption. There are two things I do:
Everyone I work closely with knows how I feel about the whole "Kim" thing and a lot of times they will correct people for me. I don't even care if they tell people I'm a little psycho about it as long as they get people to call me Kimberly.
I don't do this on group emails, but for individual emails where someone has called me Kim I respond to the content in the email someway and then at the end I say, "Please call me Kimberly instead of Kim, I prefer that."
Even after those strategies, there are some people who just don't get it. If I work with them on a regular basis, I correct every now and then for a while and eventually I just give up because even though it drives me crazy it's not a hill I want to die on.
posted by Kimberly at 6:01 AM on March 13, 2012
Everyone I work closely with knows how I feel about the whole "Kim" thing and a lot of times they will correct people for me. I don't even care if they tell people I'm a little psycho about it as long as they get people to call me Kimberly.
I don't do this on group emails, but for individual emails where someone has called me Kim I respond to the content in the email someway and then at the end I say, "Please call me Kimberly instead of Kim, I prefer that."
Even after those strategies, there are some people who just don't get it. If I work with them on a regular basis, I correct every now and then for a while and eventually I just give up because even though it drives me crazy it's not a hill I want to die on.
posted by Kimberly at 6:01 AM on March 13, 2012
I called a colleague in another office "Fred" in an email I sent to our whole team. He wrote back "Actually I prefer Frederick". When I got that my first thought was "Pompous git, who does he think he is".
Ever since then I've felt uncomfortable addressing him, as if I had offended him. In my mind I now think of him as aloof and unfriendly, all because of this exchange.
I guess I'm overly sensitive. I feel like if he'd said "Actually, I go by Frederick" that would have been completely neutral, there wouldn't have been any implication that I had made a mistake - deliberate or not.
I also like the suggestion of "I never really thought of myself as a Mike. I'm definitely more of a Michael".
posted by Dragonness at 6:15 AM on March 13, 2012
Ever since then I've felt uncomfortable addressing him, as if I had offended him. In my mind I now think of him as aloof and unfriendly, all because of this exchange.
I guess I'm overly sensitive. I feel like if he'd said "Actually, I go by Frederick" that would have been completely neutral, there wouldn't have been any implication that I had made a mistake - deliberate or not.
I also like the suggestion of "I never really thought of myself as a Mike. I'm definitely more of a Michael".
posted by Dragonness at 6:15 AM on March 13, 2012
I have a friend who goes by Elizabeth, and I've seen her response to emails like this:
Email: "Hi, Liz, can you [blah blah]."
Response: "Sure, I can [whatever]. By the way, it's Elizabeth, please, not Liz. Thanks."
Straight to the point, respectful, and offers no excuses.
posted by marginaliana at 6:24 AM on March 13, 2012
Email: "Hi, Liz, can you [blah blah]."
Response: "Sure, I can [whatever]. By the way, it's Elizabeth, please, not Liz. Thanks."
Straight to the point, respectful, and offers no excuses.
posted by marginaliana at 6:24 AM on March 13, 2012
If this has been going on for a long time and it seems awkward to say anything now, tell people that you've decided to be called Michael from now on. Then they don't feel like they've been getting it wrong all these years, and you've made it clear what you want.
So, you get an email that says
posted by desjardins at 7:59 AM on March 13, 2012
So, you get an email that says
Joe,and you respond with
Mike is the project manager for Project X.
Thanks,
Kathy
Hi Kathy,Also, does your corporate email have you listed as Mike or Michael? My husband's official name in the system was Richard, and he asked to have it changed to Rick because people he didn't know were calling him Richard and he doesn't like that.
Actually, I've decided to go by Michael and not Mike from now on.
Thanks,
Michael LastName
posted by desjardins at 7:59 AM on March 13, 2012
You might insert "Thanks for letting Joe know about my project" so it doesn't seem so blunt.
posted by desjardins at 8:26 AM on March 13, 2012
posted by desjardins at 8:26 AM on March 13, 2012
So, as a person whose name can't really be shortened into a nickname, I found this question really interesting. That is, I never realized that so many people might be bothered by a nickname. I guess I always just sort of viewed it as two different versions of the same thing, rather than two distinct and separate things. If someone introduced themselves to me as David, or Michael, I might still think of them subsequently as Dave or Mike just as a mental shorthand without realizing that 1) I'm now referring to them as the short version in person as well, and 2) They don't like it.
I think it's actually important, then, to tell people that you don't like the nickname. I've had people tell me this before, too, and in those cases it ALWAYS sticks. I don't want to piss people off, so if you've told me you actually don't like it, I'll be more likely to remember not to do it. I think you can do this without it being personal- in the same vein as some others have already said, "I've always found the name 'Mike' irritating, so that's why I prefer Michael." (Rather than "I hate being called Mike" which makes the person feel bad for calling you that without realizing you didn't like it.)
Also I think it's tougher with a name like Michael, at least for me, because it was just about the biggest name for boys the year I was born. So I know 10+ Mike/ Michaels and I really have no idea which ANY of them prefer (except the one who told me 'I hate MIKE, I only go by [nickname] instead)!!
posted by GastrocNemesis at 4:42 PM on March 13, 2012
I think it's actually important, then, to tell people that you don't like the nickname. I've had people tell me this before, too, and in those cases it ALWAYS sticks. I don't want to piss people off, so if you've told me you actually don't like it, I'll be more likely to remember not to do it. I think you can do this without it being personal- in the same vein as some others have already said, "I've always found the name 'Mike' irritating, so that's why I prefer Michael." (Rather than "I hate being called Mike" which makes the person feel bad for calling you that without realizing you didn't like it.)
Also I think it's tougher with a name like Michael, at least for me, because it was just about the biggest name for boys the year I was born. So I know 10+ Mike/ Michaels and I really have no idea which ANY of them prefer (except the one who told me 'I hate MIKE, I only go by [nickname] instead)!!
posted by GastrocNemesis at 4:42 PM on March 13, 2012
I'm called Gillian. Everyone who knows me well calls me by my full name, or by a strange nickname that came about some other way (think G-Unit). I don't like the shortened version much. An ex-boyfriend called me Lily, rather than Gill, which I quite liked but it was weird and slightly pretentious to keep it after we split up, so Gillian it is.
When I do find it rude is when people who I've just met shorten my name - I feel petty feeling like this, but it's something I'd never do to other people unless they'd introduced themselves as eg. Chris instead of Christopher, and it feels presumptious, and over-familiar. I deal with people at work a lot through e-mail and it's happened once or twice - I responded with 'I'm a Gillian by the way, not even my mother is allowed to call me Gill.' The signature thing isn't always clear - we have a Jo who has 'Joanne' in her sig, a Catherine who goes by Cathy, but then we also have a Michelle who is Micky in both e-mail address and signature. (We also have another colleague who joined the company with a nickname and then decided to revert to his real name - all that happened was someone in HR sent round an e-mail titled 'Just to let you know that NickName is now known as Name, and his e-mail will be changing to match.' That was fine, we just all started using the real name.) So I think sometimes you just need to tell them what you go by.
posted by mippy at 5:45 AM on March 14, 2012
When I do find it rude is when people who I've just met shorten my name - I feel petty feeling like this, but it's something I'd never do to other people unless they'd introduced themselves as eg. Chris instead of Christopher, and it feels presumptious, and over-familiar. I deal with people at work a lot through e-mail and it's happened once or twice - I responded with 'I'm a Gillian by the way, not even my mother is allowed to call me Gill.' The signature thing isn't always clear - we have a Jo who has 'Joanne' in her sig, a Catherine who goes by Cathy, but then we also have a Michelle who is Micky in both e-mail address and signature. (We also have another colleague who joined the company with a nickname and then decided to revert to his real name - all that happened was someone in HR sent round an e-mail titled 'Just to let you know that NickName is now known as Name, and his e-mail will be changing to match.' That was fine, we just all started using the real name.) So I think sometimes you just need to tell them what you go by.
posted by mippy at 5:45 AM on March 14, 2012
I just wanted to chime in from the other side. I am Liz, I've been Liz since I left home at 17. I loathe being called Elizabeth, so much that I don't even hear the "liz" sound in the name and won't respond if it's called out, as I just won't hear it as my name.
I had an email beginning with L at all the places I worked until I went back to work at the University. IT insisted on giving me an e email and making "Elizabeth" come up as the name that shows when someone got an email from me. Argh! So, of course, I would email someone, sign it Liz, and they would see the "from" thing and reply to Elizabeth.
All I'd do is, when I replied, say "please do call me Liz" and that worked. One colleague called me Elizabeth because that was a relative's name (eh?) and I just didn't hear her (truly) or "didn't hear her" until she stopped doing it - that was after I'd asked her politely and she kept forgetting.
I don't think of myself as an Elizabeth - they are SO different to Lizzes, and Lizzies are another matter again. Of course, because of my online name I do get called Lyzzy, but it's quite handy in that if anyone calls me that, I know they're off the internet. And I usually manage to say that's my nom d'internet and please call me Liz.
Of course, my partner is a Matthew who only likes to be called Matthew.
posted by LyzzyBee at 9:35 AM on March 15, 2012
I had an email beginning with L at all the places I worked until I went back to work at the University. IT insisted on giving me an e email and making "Elizabeth" come up as the name that shows when someone got an email from me. Argh! So, of course, I would email someone, sign it Liz, and they would see the "from" thing and reply to Elizabeth.
All I'd do is, when I replied, say "please do call me Liz" and that worked. One colleague called me Elizabeth because that was a relative's name (eh?) and I just didn't hear her (truly) or "didn't hear her" until she stopped doing it - that was after I'd asked her politely and she kept forgetting.
I don't think of myself as an Elizabeth - they are SO different to Lizzes, and Lizzies are another matter again. Of course, because of my online name I do get called Lyzzy, but it's quite handy in that if anyone calls me that, I know they're off the internet. And I usually manage to say that's my nom d'internet and please call me Liz.
Of course, my partner is a Matthew who only likes to be called Matthew.
posted by LyzzyBee at 9:35 AM on March 15, 2012
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posted by brainmouse at 3:37 PM on March 12, 2012 [2 favorites]