Unrequited
August 22, 2023 1:28 PM Subscribe
#metafilterfundraiser2023 Help me get past an unrequited megacrush.
We're still really good friends, some physical sexual teasing when drinking, and I respect and admire them but they're not currently into me that way (but had been, briefly I think).
We're still really good friends, some physical sexual teasing when drinking, and I respect and admire them but they're not currently into me that way (but had been, briefly I think).
One way to get over a person is to get under (or on) another.
Also maybe their reasons for keeping space may not be great, and you could just go drinking with them more often?
posted by SaltySalticid at 1:37 PM on August 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
Also maybe their reasons for keeping space may not be great, and you could just go drinking with them more often?
posted by SaltySalticid at 1:37 PM on August 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
Did you have a talk about their interest/lack thereof?
posted by Baethan at 1:50 PM on August 22, 2023
posted by Baethan at 1:50 PM on August 22, 2023
ouch! these suck so much.
time will do the trick, but in the meanwhile I don't think you can go wrong with phunniemee's awesome advice.
posted by supermedusa at 2:32 PM on August 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
time will do the trick, but in the meanwhile I don't think you can go wrong with phunniemee's awesome advice.
posted by supermedusa at 2:32 PM on August 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
Honestly, I moved.
(Edit: The move was going to happen anyway, I didn't specifically move to get away from the crush, but moving somewhere where it meant that I didn't have to see them every single day was more effective than every other strategy I deployed to de-crush myself.)
posted by unicorn chaser at 2:38 PM on August 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
(Edit: The move was going to happen anyway, I didn't specifically move to get away from the crush, but moving somewhere where it meant that I didn't have to see them every single day was more effective than every other strategy I deployed to de-crush myself.)
posted by unicorn chaser at 2:38 PM on August 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
Masturbate while thinking about them (or while watching porn that reminds you of them, if watching porn is a thing you do). When the feelings arise again, masturbate again. After that, time helps.
posted by cyclopticgaze at 2:42 PM on August 22, 2023
posted by cyclopticgaze at 2:42 PM on August 22, 2023
For me, I had to completely cut off all contact, like unicorn chaser. It hasn't always been my choice, but it really helps long term.
posted by skunk pig at 2:42 PM on August 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by skunk pig at 2:42 PM on August 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
Sleeping with someone else never did shit for my unrequited crushes; it just made sure there was someone else involved and liable to get hurt when I invariably chose my unrequited crush over them.
What worked:
-never seeing them again
-them having kids with someone else (talk about a bonerkiller)
-having a good enough life myself that I didn't need someone to distract me from day to day awfulness
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:45 PM on August 22, 2023 [10 favorites]
What worked:
-never seeing them again
-them having kids with someone else (talk about a bonerkiller)
-having a good enough life myself that I didn't need someone to distract me from day to day awfulness
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:45 PM on August 22, 2023 [10 favorites]
Actively work on developing the biggest megacrush on yourself. Like spend quality time today tomorrow and forever loving and truly seeing yourself in all of your epic hotness.
Once you really get a clue as to how totally crushable you are you will be less attracted to people who don't feel that way about you. Why spend time thinking about someone who isn't into all that goodness is what I'm saying.
Or at least that's how it's worked for me. I wouldn't try to use someone else to get over someone. Just because what if you fall for that person and it doesn't work out and then there you are living in unrequitedville again.
When you crush on yourself your love affair lasts for a lifetime 💗
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 3:28 PM on August 22, 2023 [12 favorites]
Once you really get a clue as to how totally crushable you are you will be less attracted to people who don't feel that way about you. Why spend time thinking about someone who isn't into all that goodness is what I'm saying.
Or at least that's how it's worked for me. I wouldn't try to use someone else to get over someone. Just because what if you fall for that person and it doesn't work out and then there you are living in unrequitedville again.
When you crush on yourself your love affair lasts for a lifetime 💗
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 3:28 PM on August 22, 2023 [12 favorites]
At a bare minimum may I suggest no longer drinking alcohol with them?
posted by rhymedirective at 4:05 PM on August 22, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by rhymedirective at 4:05 PM on August 22, 2023 [3 favorites]
I had to remember that they are not a human escape hatch out of the chaos of my life. And then remind myself again and again and again.
Also, time and space.
posted by samthemander at 4:08 PM on August 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
Also, time and space.
posted by samthemander at 4:08 PM on August 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
Avoiding them is the way. It sucks, but there it is. I saw this video the other day in which she says you just have to go through the pain of their absence and there's no way around it.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:15 PM on August 22, 2023
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:15 PM on August 22, 2023
Response by poster: Difficulty Level: I work with them (dif. dept., but I'm going to split my time in their dept. soon)
I also really value our platonic friendship.
posted by porpoise at 5:25 PM on August 22, 2023
I also really value our platonic friendship.
posted by porpoise at 5:25 PM on August 22, 2023
Go have sex with someone else, you're welcome
This is good advice but also historically has not always worked for me!
The only thing that's worked and preserved my regard for the person is figuring out what the crush is really about. If it's pure physical chemistry that's not great news for this method (but does mean that banging someone else will probably help). But often you're responding to something about them that is materially different from just wanting to fuck them, and that you can either get from somewhere else or relegate to its proper place in your life. For instance I was able to kill one crush by realizing that it had two components: sure, they were physically my type, which is compelling but not especially singular, but mostly we really meshed in terms of humor and interests in a way that both made me feel seen (because we liked/got the same things) and expanded my world (because they introduced me to cool stuff). Essentially, I wanted to be like them/be accepted by them. Once I could separate those things, I could really lean into the platonic friendship, and I was able to put them in sort of an "older sibling" space and leave the physical attraction behind where it belonged. I got a lot of cool music, movies, inside jokes, and other cultural points of connection out of that friendship without any more romantic angst!
Focusing on all the unattractive things about them also works but is less friendship-preserving! In a pinch, though, find an annoying habit or bad fashion choice or stupid opinion or similar thing they have and really dig into contemplating it, a lot.
posted by babelfish at 5:48 PM on August 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
This is good advice but also historically has not always worked for me!
The only thing that's worked and preserved my regard for the person is figuring out what the crush is really about. If it's pure physical chemistry that's not great news for this method (but does mean that banging someone else will probably help). But often you're responding to something about them that is materially different from just wanting to fuck them, and that you can either get from somewhere else or relegate to its proper place in your life. For instance I was able to kill one crush by realizing that it had two components: sure, they were physically my type, which is compelling but not especially singular, but mostly we really meshed in terms of humor and interests in a way that both made me feel seen (because we liked/got the same things) and expanded my world (because they introduced me to cool stuff). Essentially, I wanted to be like them/be accepted by them. Once I could separate those things, I could really lean into the platonic friendship, and I was able to put them in sort of an "older sibling" space and leave the physical attraction behind where it belonged. I got a lot of cool music, movies, inside jokes, and other cultural points of connection out of that friendship without any more romantic angst!
Focusing on all the unattractive things about them also works but is less friendship-preserving! In a pinch, though, find an annoying habit or bad fashion choice or stupid opinion or similar thing they have and really dig into contemplating it, a lot.
posted by babelfish at 5:48 PM on August 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
My favorite podcast Ask Ronna advises really watching the person eat a meal, with complete focus on the grossness of biting, chewing, swallowing - the sounds, the stray moment they pick at their tooth, any visual that is unappealing. Bonus if you can watch them relish eating a food you find repulsive.
I also think it would be useful to get some energy going elsewhere - cultivating a crush on someone else, getting a little charge from another interaction like a cute person at a yoga class, a regular barista, etc.
posted by lizard music at 6:24 PM on August 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
I also think it would be useful to get some energy going elsewhere - cultivating a crush on someone else, getting a little charge from another interaction like a cute person at a yoga class, a regular barista, etc.
posted by lizard music at 6:24 PM on August 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: re: eating
Oh, they're a proper little barbarian and it's totally cute.
posted by porpoise at 6:59 PM on August 22, 2023
Oh, they're a proper little barbarian and it's totally cute.
posted by porpoise at 6:59 PM on August 22, 2023
When not interacting with them use slightly over-blown language as a way of thinking of them. For example, by referring to them in your mind or in your journal as The Most Beautiful Man on the Planet - The MBMP. Refer to your obsession as The Tragedy of My Life. Acknowledge what you are going through, and accept it, but don't take it seriously. You are having the Big Feelings and feeling genuine pain and longing; you evend deserve sympathy and support but you are also fully aware that taking it all seriously is unrealistic, silly and It Can Never Be.
If you do fantasize about them, don't try to suppress the fantasies - just dial them up a notch or two. Put them on their death bed, admitting to you that you are the only person they every really loved, or kick down a door to rescue them from a burning building. Have them meet you in your parking garage wearing only a merry widow corset under their trench coat. You want to make sure that your fantasies do not stray too close to the possible. Picturing them getting slightly drunker and actually kissing you in the elevator is to close to believable. Far better to imagine them telling you they secretly had enhancement surgery and now have a 12 inch/TripleG cup for your benefit so as to make it impossible for you to say no when they finally do decide to jump your bones. Do not do That Thing We Would Regret. Remember inappropriate sexual behaviour, like flirting at the office, is often acting out and the result of being vulnerable and lacking more appropriate scripts.
Remember you are a decent human being, and would not take advantage of someone who has to get drunk before they would sleep with you. Cultivate the mindset that they need protecting from whatever it is between you. After all you work with them. You'd be showing a lack of concern for their career and job prospects if you encouraged them to flirt with you, let alone if you got it together with them for a workplace romance. It's fine to be aware that you find them attractive enough to give you the butterflies, but if it were okay to act on the butterflies you wouldn't be shy about asking them to date you. You know it's not okay, so channel your liking for them into being protective and not leading them into temptation.
posted by Jane the Brown at 10:20 PM on August 22, 2023
If you do fantasize about them, don't try to suppress the fantasies - just dial them up a notch or two. Put them on their death bed, admitting to you that you are the only person they every really loved, or kick down a door to rescue them from a burning building. Have them meet you in your parking garage wearing only a merry widow corset under their trench coat. You want to make sure that your fantasies do not stray too close to the possible. Picturing them getting slightly drunker and actually kissing you in the elevator is to close to believable. Far better to imagine them telling you they secretly had enhancement surgery and now have a 12 inch/TripleG cup for your benefit so as to make it impossible for you to say no when they finally do decide to jump your bones. Do not do That Thing We Would Regret. Remember inappropriate sexual behaviour, like flirting at the office, is often acting out and the result of being vulnerable and lacking more appropriate scripts.
Remember you are a decent human being, and would not take advantage of someone who has to get drunk before they would sleep with you. Cultivate the mindset that they need protecting from whatever it is between you. After all you work with them. You'd be showing a lack of concern for their career and job prospects if you encouraged them to flirt with you, let alone if you got it together with them for a workplace romance. It's fine to be aware that you find them attractive enough to give you the butterflies, but if it were okay to act on the butterflies you wouldn't be shy about asking them to date you. You know it's not okay, so channel your liking for them into being protective and not leading them into temptation.
posted by Jane the Brown at 10:20 PM on August 22, 2023
Bonus if you can watch them relish eating a food you find repulsive.
I think this is weak advice. Most people's eating sounds just aren't that gross, and if you are a person actually bothered by eating sounds, you are generally more annoyed by the people whom you love, people you can stay 'cut it out making those noises' without them punching you in the face.
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:25 AM on August 23, 2023
I think this is weak advice. Most people's eating sounds just aren't that gross, and if you are a person actually bothered by eating sounds, you are generally more annoyed by the people whom you love, people you can stay 'cut it out making those noises' without them punching you in the face.
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:25 AM on August 23, 2023
If porpoise thinks their barbarian eating is cute, I got nothing on that topic :P
I get valuing the platonic friendship, but you probably need to dial it down. Unfortunately, seeing them at work is only going to continue the problem. With regards to the crush, I've much had to dial it down from actual friendship that I put effort into maintaining to "acquaintance I run into occasionally" for the last year to work on getting over it. I avoid running into him deliberately (such as buying tickets to a show we're both going to see on nights I know he won't go), I don't ever reach out first and only respond if he texts/talks to me, I hang back when we're in the same space. It would help if I could find someone else to care about, but so far no dice on that score. I see cute guys in bars and they have zero interest in me, y'all.
I do remind myself over and over and over that he doesn't like me like that, he finds me repulsive, he likes my friendship when he remembers it's there, he's moved on with his life, etc. I have nasty notes about this posted in my home to remind me of that. So mostly it's just hammering into myself over and over again on that topic that he does not like me like that, even if once upon a time it really seemed like he did. That may have to be what you do since you can't separate from the barbarian entirely. In the past, I have made lists of the things I don't like about them, which has helped with some people more than others. (Like I note this guy's list is not particularly extensive, as opposed to the last ex, which had pages and pages of shit I was happy to no longer deal with.) Focusing on how he doesn't care, what doesn't work for you, and avoidance are all things you should probably be doing if possible.
Doctor Nerdlove does have a lot of stuff on how to deal with a crush while still being around them, which boils down to acknowledging in your head that you like them and moving on in the moment. That may be more your jam than my particular brand of Trying To Get Over It, if you want to look into that.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:20 AM on August 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
I get valuing the platonic friendship, but you probably need to dial it down. Unfortunately, seeing them at work is only going to continue the problem. With regards to the crush, I've much had to dial it down from actual friendship that I put effort into maintaining to "acquaintance I run into occasionally" for the last year to work on getting over it. I avoid running into him deliberately (such as buying tickets to a show we're both going to see on nights I know he won't go), I don't ever reach out first and only respond if he texts/talks to me, I hang back when we're in the same space. It would help if I could find someone else to care about, but so far no dice on that score. I see cute guys in bars and they have zero interest in me, y'all.
I do remind myself over and over and over that he doesn't like me like that, he finds me repulsive, he likes my friendship when he remembers it's there, he's moved on with his life, etc. I have nasty notes about this posted in my home to remind me of that. So mostly it's just hammering into myself over and over again on that topic that he does not like me like that, even if once upon a time it really seemed like he did. That may have to be what you do since you can't separate from the barbarian entirely. In the past, I have made lists of the things I don't like about them, which has helped with some people more than others. (Like I note this guy's list is not particularly extensive, as opposed to the last ex, which had pages and pages of shit I was happy to no longer deal with.) Focusing on how he doesn't care, what doesn't work for you, and avoidance are all things you should probably be doing if possible.
Doctor Nerdlove does have a lot of stuff on how to deal with a crush while still being around them, which boils down to acknowledging in your head that you like them and moving on in the moment. That may be more your jam than my particular brand of Trying To Get Over It, if you want to look into that.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:20 AM on August 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
They might be amazing to you, but they're probably not as great as you think they are, and they very likely don't see themselves the way you see them. In fact they might not even like themselves very much, they might have all kinds of hang-ups, or just be very ordinary. The problem is that they are this towering figure in your head, and when you worship someone it is to abandon yourself to a fantasy of a perfect partner that renders you unable to see the object of that fantasy as it actually is. Limerence is a hot topic lately, I've suffered from it myself, and in my case and many others it boils down to unaddressed trauma at its core. I have a feeling that developing the self-awareness of why you have these feelings, as others have suggested, would cut your image of this person back down to a human size.
posted by tovarisch at 12:55 PM on August 23, 2023
posted by tovarisch at 12:55 PM on August 23, 2023
Response by poster: ftnargn
Things got complicated again with Love (theirs, qv free threads) showed up again after the ghosting. Today. And Crush fell right back for them after developing a massive hate-on. Fuck.
Sigh. I feel worse for Crush's new roommate. Esp. if Love ends up moving in, having no job or savings.
posted by porpoise at 11:21 PM on August 23, 2023
Things got complicated again with Love (theirs, qv free threads) showed up again after the ghosting. Today. And Crush fell right back for them after developing a massive hate-on. Fuck.
Sigh. I feel worse for Crush's new roommate. Esp. if Love ends up moving in, having no job or savings.
posted by porpoise at 11:21 PM on August 23, 2023
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posted by phunniemee at 1:36 PM on August 22, 2023 [12 favorites]