How do I re-enter the world after covid?
May 19, 2022 10:11 AM Subscribe
I went through a lot of personal upheaval immediately before the pandemic started...which then made everything worse. I'm struggling to re-enter the world now and find a purposeful daily life. Help?
Right before covid started, I was totally burning out on a job, so I left it, and started a solo consultancy. At exactly that same time, a relationship was falling apart in a manner which left me with real feelings of abandonment going back to childhood (been seeking therapy for it since 2020). And when my ex announced then announced they'd started dating someone seriously right after me (and would eventually move in with them), the feelings worsened significantly and triggered palpable depression and anxiety.
Regardless, with this new career change, I was hopeful I could just sort of move forward in a new life.
And then covid hit. And ever since, I've never felt so alone and hopeless in my life. My job is creating and delivering a technical thing over months-long periods. But there's little collaborative effort to it really so I don't have many meetings. I wish I did! And also in this technical industry, it seems like everyone loves working remotely. Which makes me feel crazy and even more alone because I crave the opposite experience at this point. But most physical offices in my industry have all but closed down now. I honestly miss having coworkers.
On top of that, I live in NYC in my mid-forties and trying to use online apps has sucked - the less said the better. So I feel like everything I want - camaraderie, romantic love, traction, things to look forward to - has completely disappeared from life.
I feel like I'm living in this surreal world of total silence where every day is identical. And I don't even interact with the opposite sex. I work in silence all day and come home to silence. Occasionally I'll sit in a bar and read a book and hope there's someone to talk to, but it's usually groups of people, very few solo people. And I'm hyper self-conscious about being a 40-something in a bar full of happy thirty-somethings, even though friends know me as funny and reasonably smart.
Right now it all feels "too late" in life to make major changes or to have optimism I will find another relationship or at least have days where I don't feel utterly shipwrecked. I keep asking "how is this real life now...?"
I know some of these feelings are probably irrational. (And I will ask here explicitly that I don't want to solicit negative judgment about my situation because I already feel sensitive and embarrassed at the paralysis I feel). What I do want to know from people familiar with this feeling is how they dug their way out of it. Move away? New job? New ways to meeting people organically?
I've reached a point where I want to make changes instead of just thinking about them. I just wish I knew what the changes were.
Right before covid started, I was totally burning out on a job, so I left it, and started a solo consultancy. At exactly that same time, a relationship was falling apart in a manner which left me with real feelings of abandonment going back to childhood (been seeking therapy for it since 2020). And when my ex announced then announced they'd started dating someone seriously right after me (and would eventually move in with them), the feelings worsened significantly and triggered palpable depression and anxiety.
Regardless, with this new career change, I was hopeful I could just sort of move forward in a new life.
And then covid hit. And ever since, I've never felt so alone and hopeless in my life. My job is creating and delivering a technical thing over months-long periods. But there's little collaborative effort to it really so I don't have many meetings. I wish I did! And also in this technical industry, it seems like everyone loves working remotely. Which makes me feel crazy and even more alone because I crave the opposite experience at this point. But most physical offices in my industry have all but closed down now. I honestly miss having coworkers.
On top of that, I live in NYC in my mid-forties and trying to use online apps has sucked - the less said the better. So I feel like everything I want - camaraderie, romantic love, traction, things to look forward to - has completely disappeared from life.
I feel like I'm living in this surreal world of total silence where every day is identical. And I don't even interact with the opposite sex. I work in silence all day and come home to silence. Occasionally I'll sit in a bar and read a book and hope there's someone to talk to, but it's usually groups of people, very few solo people. And I'm hyper self-conscious about being a 40-something in a bar full of happy thirty-somethings, even though friends know me as funny and reasonably smart.
Right now it all feels "too late" in life to make major changes or to have optimism I will find another relationship or at least have days where I don't feel utterly shipwrecked. I keep asking "how is this real life now...?"
I know some of these feelings are probably irrational. (And I will ask here explicitly that I don't want to solicit negative judgment about my situation because I already feel sensitive and embarrassed at the paralysis I feel). What I do want to know from people familiar with this feeling is how they dug their way out of it. Move away? New job? New ways to meeting people organically?
I've reached a point where I want to make changes instead of just thinking about them. I just wish I knew what the changes were.
It sounds like you want to be around people more but in a purposeful way. If I were in your position, I'd consider joining a coworking space so you can be around people when you do your job. I'd also look for one or two activities you can do around people that are more interactive than sitting in a bar - for example, volunteering at a park cleanup, going to an interest-related meetup, taking a class.
posted by beyond_pink at 10:22 AM on May 19, 2022 [11 favorites]
posted by beyond_pink at 10:22 AM on May 19, 2022 [11 favorites]
Your question screams depression and leaving it untreated is going to make everything else ten times harder.
Don’t seek therapy, get therapy. Not for abandonment issues but because every day is the same, there is no point, everything meaningful is in the past, and your energy levels are so low you’re not able to do anything about it.
There are many ways to treat depression and the best way to start is to talk to an expert who can help you find the best path for you personally.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:23 AM on May 19, 2022 [9 favorites]
Don’t seek therapy, get therapy. Not for abandonment issues but because every day is the same, there is no point, everything meaningful is in the past, and your energy levels are so low you’re not able to do anything about it.
There are many ways to treat depression and the best way to start is to talk to an expert who can help you find the best path for you personally.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:23 AM on May 19, 2022 [9 favorites]
Hi there. You don't mention friends at all. Did you have friends before the pandemic or did your social life consist mostly of your partner and coworkers?
The pandemic definitely caused friendships to fizzle, but could you reach out to reconnect? The best way to meet people is through other people, both platonic and romantic.
Professional--can you join organizations directed at your industry? Can you take classes where you bone up on your skillset or get new certifications? Can you teach a class? Coworking isn't a bad idea either.
Now that's it's warmer out, can you post up at a coffee shop outside somewhere to work or read? Get to know some regulars there? Say hi to people with puppies out in your neighborhood. I've made friends with so many neighbors through just hanging out at local coffee shop or bar and petting their dogs. That's my charming Brooklyn neighborhood though, YMMV if you're in like, Hells Kitchen or whatever.
And yes, therapy is never a bad idea.
posted by greta simone at 11:28 AM on May 19, 2022 [4 favorites]
The pandemic definitely caused friendships to fizzle, but could you reach out to reconnect? The best way to meet people is through other people, both platonic and romantic.
Professional--can you join organizations directed at your industry? Can you take classes where you bone up on your skillset or get new certifications? Can you teach a class? Coworking isn't a bad idea either.
Now that's it's warmer out, can you post up at a coffee shop outside somewhere to work or read? Get to know some regulars there? Say hi to people with puppies out in your neighborhood. I've made friends with so many neighbors through just hanging out at local coffee shop or bar and petting their dogs. That's my charming Brooklyn neighborhood though, YMMV if you're in like, Hells Kitchen or whatever.
And yes, therapy is never a bad idea.
posted by greta simone at 11:28 AM on May 19, 2022 [4 favorites]
It isn't irrational to have these feelings. Change is hard in the best of circumstances--in a literal, biological sense--and you're working with a lot of change. There's a set of diagnostic criteria in psychiatry called "adjustment disorder," which is a fancy way of saying your resilience systems have been overwhelmed by too much to process all at once. I'm not saying that's you, but that was me in 2019--I had never seen a therapist and was baffled but relieved that such a term existed. Having a name for something can help you get your hands around it. I'd be curious to hear what your therapist makes of this big picture stuff, and if there's anything you can mine there.
In my case, I found that what I was craving--what I needed--was a big, serious reorientation in which I directed more parts of my life toward what I value. This is a big part of the kind of therapy I clicked with (ACT). It was a lot to take in, and some of the process felt hokey, but I marvel that there was so much I just flat out didn't know about psychological and emotional resilience, and coping mechanisms, and strategies for orienting myself. In my case that translated into a few things, one of which felt like a cartoon-scale flashing sign that said "NOW IS THE TIME TO MAKE BIG, HUGE, LIFE-GOAL CHANGES." And I did. I left behing a lot of relationship and divorce trappings. I sold a house. I cut off contact with an ex. I moved. Like, MOVED move. A big move that required a visa and some real planning. All along the way, I paid attention to every decision as if one of the options was more in line with living in accord with my captial v Values. ANd it's been really, genuinely righting in the sense that I feel like I can balance on my two feet again. There were a couple of years in which I did not feel that way. THere was a little more than a year in there where I felt that regaining this sense was impossible. But it is not.
In sum: make those big changes, be open to a relationship, accept that you can do both of those things without having to make yourself stop feeling shipwrecked. You can pursue those goals while still feeling like utter, total shit. It's weird, but it's true. If it's any help to you, this ACT workbook was my buddy while I was getting into therapy (and this regular book book by the same author). I still use it and recommend it.
Be well.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 11:34 AM on May 19, 2022 [7 favorites]
In my case, I found that what I was craving--what I needed--was a big, serious reorientation in which I directed more parts of my life toward what I value. This is a big part of the kind of therapy I clicked with (ACT). It was a lot to take in, and some of the process felt hokey, but I marvel that there was so much I just flat out didn't know about psychological and emotional resilience, and coping mechanisms, and strategies for orienting myself. In my case that translated into a few things, one of which felt like a cartoon-scale flashing sign that said "NOW IS THE TIME TO MAKE BIG, HUGE, LIFE-GOAL CHANGES." And I did. I left behing a lot of relationship and divorce trappings. I sold a house. I cut off contact with an ex. I moved. Like, MOVED move. A big move that required a visa and some real planning. All along the way, I paid attention to every decision as if one of the options was more in line with living in accord with my captial v Values. ANd it's been really, genuinely righting in the sense that I feel like I can balance on my two feet again. There were a couple of years in which I did not feel that way. THere was a little more than a year in there where I felt that regaining this sense was impossible. But it is not.
In sum: make those big changes, be open to a relationship, accept that you can do both of those things without having to make yourself stop feeling shipwrecked. You can pursue those goals while still feeling like utter, total shit. It's weird, but it's true. If it's any help to you, this ACT workbook was my buddy while I was getting into therapy (and this regular book book by the same author). I still use it and recommend it.
Be well.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 11:34 AM on May 19, 2022 [7 favorites]
Dearest — I am in a similar boat. Same upheavals, same desires. DM me if you want to start a weekly “hey, i tried this…., was thinking about trying this other thing….” mutual hope, plan and vent thingy.
posted by Silvery Fish at 12:06 PM on May 19, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by Silvery Fish at 12:06 PM on May 19, 2022 [4 favorites]
Just here to give advice that when you do find some sort of social fulfilling event, to prepare yourself for the anxiety / dopamine crash afterwards.
I have limited myself to one to three social events a month when it used to be per week. The non-alcoholic hangover of socializing again and finding yourself alone needs to be recognized.
posted by hillabeans at 2:06 PM on May 19, 2022 [7 favorites]
I have limited myself to one to three social events a month when it used to be per week. The non-alcoholic hangover of socializing again and finding yourself alone needs to be recognized.
posted by hillabeans at 2:06 PM on May 19, 2022 [7 favorites]
Everything you write makes complete sense. I broke up with someone back when I was a consultant ... same feelings. Same depression. And that was without COVID! People aren't cut out for isolation. You have my sympathy.
What I did? Got a job (but I wasn't a great consultant). Got my sibling to move in with me. Got a second job. Bought the world's most decrepit fixer-upper house with the proceeds of the second job. I think it was the last one that really helped because then I felt back "on the path." But that was my path. I really wanted to fix a house up at some point in my life. So that was when I felt like I'd escaped the doldrums and was now in my "new life," because it was a life I'd always pictured and didn't feel at all transitory. So I agree you could work to figure out what would really be meaningful to you and try to make that happen.
Also, in the meantime, anything to reduce your isolation would help. There are a lot of people out there who need people -- parents who need babysitters, seniors who need help around the house -- my instinct is that if you find a sustainable way to connect to others and be of service, feeling needed and connected in that ongoing way will really help. Or join a 40s Triathlon Training Team or something.
I know this all sounds like the world's most standard advice: volunteer, join a club. And I remember how useless that advice felt because yeah, there'll be some trial and error to find one that works, and the first one will suck, so it's hard to motivate, and it seems possible that they'll all feel pointless. And none of it feels significant enough to ease the heartwrenching pain of depression. In answer, I think I have two things to say. One is, see if you can find something that's on your "path." (Like for me I think I'd volunteer at this urban farm nearby because starting to grow more of my own food is another long-held dream.) But if not, what you might most need now is sort of "traction," a "cast" while you heal from depression, and so ANYthing that you'll regularly do that gets you around people and making ANY progress towards life goals might be good. (I was pretty depressed when I got that second job but then felt obliged to make chit chat for 4-8 hour shifts 2-3 times per week.)
Anyway, it's definitely not too late. My parents got divorced in their late 50s. One found new love right away and the other found it in their 70s.
posted by slidell at 10:30 PM on May 19, 2022 [3 favorites]
What I did? Got a job (but I wasn't a great consultant). Got my sibling to move in with me. Got a second job. Bought the world's most decrepit fixer-upper house with the proceeds of the second job. I think it was the last one that really helped because then I felt back "on the path." But that was my path. I really wanted to fix a house up at some point in my life. So that was when I felt like I'd escaped the doldrums and was now in my "new life," because it was a life I'd always pictured and didn't feel at all transitory. So I agree you could work to figure out what would really be meaningful to you and try to make that happen.
Also, in the meantime, anything to reduce your isolation would help. There are a lot of people out there who need people -- parents who need babysitters, seniors who need help around the house -- my instinct is that if you find a sustainable way to connect to others and be of service, feeling needed and connected in that ongoing way will really help. Or join a 40s Triathlon Training Team or something.
I know this all sounds like the world's most standard advice: volunteer, join a club. And I remember how useless that advice felt because yeah, there'll be some trial and error to find one that works, and the first one will suck, so it's hard to motivate, and it seems possible that they'll all feel pointless. And none of it feels significant enough to ease the heartwrenching pain of depression. In answer, I think I have two things to say. One is, see if you can find something that's on your "path." (Like for me I think I'd volunteer at this urban farm nearby because starting to grow more of my own food is another long-held dream.) But if not, what you might most need now is sort of "traction," a "cast" while you heal from depression, and so ANYthing that you'll regularly do that gets you around people and making ANY progress towards life goals might be good. (I was pretty depressed when I got that second job but then felt obliged to make chit chat for 4-8 hour shifts 2-3 times per week.)
Anyway, it's definitely not too late. My parents got divorced in their late 50s. One found new love right away and the other found it in their 70s.
posted by slidell at 10:30 PM on May 19, 2022 [3 favorites]
A friend of mine got a part-time (weekends) second job at a winery so she could start interacting with people again.
I learned to ride a bike and started showing up to bike repair volunteer events that said they would train novices (I'm pretty handy, but didn't know anything about bikes). Then I kept saying yes to things and now I'm part of a group of people that organizes stuff, somehow? But if you aren't sure of your ability or energy to follow through, do the lower key things first where you just sign up to show up.
If you have any, even faint, sense of religious association, a religious organization that's in line with your values can be good for that. (Vet them against your values first because being around them and exposed on a regular basis will affect your values, for better or worth.)
posted by Lady Li at 10:35 PM on May 19, 2022 [1 favorite]
I learned to ride a bike and started showing up to bike repair volunteer events that said they would train novices (I'm pretty handy, but didn't know anything about bikes). Then I kept saying yes to things and now I'm part of a group of people that organizes stuff, somehow? But if you aren't sure of your ability or energy to follow through, do the lower key things first where you just sign up to show up.
If you have any, even faint, sense of religious association, a religious organization that's in line with your values can be good for that. (Vet them against your values first because being around them and exposed on a regular basis will affect your values, for better or worth.)
posted by Lady Li at 10:35 PM on May 19, 2022 [1 favorite]
You sound depressed, you sound like you could benefit from a coworking space/some kind of professional network or meetup that gets you around people. Also I'm not sure if this helps, but you certainly aren't the only person in tech who misses an office to go to.
Feel free to metamail me, as I'm in a similar, potentially already sunk boat in nyc.
posted by love2potato at 10:49 AM on May 20, 2022
Feel free to metamail me, as I'm in a similar, potentially already sunk boat in nyc.
posted by love2potato at 10:49 AM on May 20, 2022
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