The relative dies but the relation lives on

August 21, 2023 10:27 PM

So I'm curious. I am still mourning the loss of my step father, who I call Dad even though the biological Dad still is alive. My fondness for my step Dad reaches out to his sister, her husband, and their child as well. But since he's no longer alive, are they still related by marriage? (Con't)

I mean, in the familiar sense, if I were to refer to them I'd say "Aunt A, Uncle B, Cousin C" and even speaking to them have always called them by their relationship monikers as I would in my other family units. But would this be seen as discourteous, a breach of etiquette, or just par for the natural course after 40 years of knowing them?

posted by The_imp_inimpossible to Human Relations (13 answers total)

It would be par for the course, that's your auntie! My wife's uncle divorced after I had been in the family for 30 years and on meeting his-ex wife at one point, when we were asked how she knew me she said... I forget exactly what, but I still feel very hurt, something like "we used to be related" or something. My response would have been "we are family".
posted by Iteki at 10:52 PM on August 21, 2023 [2 favorites]

Both my parents divorced and remarried when I was a child 35 years ago, and my step-father has since died. As I've gotten older I've stopped adding step- at all when I talk about that part of my family, unless I need to specifically distinguish them from my biological family for some reason. I definitely never called his sister my "Step-aunt" and she's always just been my aunt. The step-family always seemed to appreciate when I referred to them directly as family. In a lot of ways it isn't that different than being adopted, and you're definitely allowed to refer to your adopted aunt as just "aunt".

In my opinion the only people who have any reason to object to you treating them as "full" family would be your biological family, if they care for some reason. Only one member of my biological family seems to care either way, so I'm specific when I talk to them about my step family.
posted by JZig at 10:54 PM on August 21, 2023 [7 favorites]

I think the etiquette is that after death the relation has been made permanent rather than destroyed. You’re good.
posted by corb at 2:09 AM on August 22, 2023 [34 favorites]

It would be seen as totally normal to anyone I know. If you referred to them as your cousin before there’s no reason to stop now.
posted by Stacey at 4:12 AM on August 22, 2023 [5 favorites]

Just as a thought experiment, if it were your biological dad who had died, would you still be asking this question? I don’t think so; I think it would be clear that the relation stays unchanged. I think the same hold true for a step parent.
posted by samthemander at 6:42 AM on August 22, 2023 [2 favorites]

A good friend of mine was married to a man who had grown children when they married. She didn't raise them, but they had a very good relationship during the marriage. Her husband passed away fifteen years ago, and one of her stepkids just came to visit from another state to be with her to mark this sad anniversary. She also spends holidays with these kids, and now their kids.

My aunt has been fortunate to have had decades-long, loving marriages to men who eventually died. She had biological children and those men also had children from other marriages. She's so good at relationships that she still has holiday dinners with stepkids that I wouldn't have expected her to to keep up contact with (or for them to have kept up contact with her.) I aspire to her level of keeping in touch!

I don't know how either of these women refers to the various steps in their lives, but they have made it work - the relationships are valued by all sides.
posted by 41swans at 7:45 AM on August 22, 2023 [2 favorites]

I have dug out an old Miss Manners book that has a question related to yours:

"Dear Miss Manners: My daughter passed away after 34 years of marriage. My son-in-law plans on getting married again. Will he still be my son-in-law, and will his new wife be my daughter-in-law? He keeps saying he will always be my son-in-law, and she tells me she will be my daughter-in-law. Will this be? They are very good and dear to me and help me out in many ways, as I live alone and am 85 years old. They pick me up to visit them and bring me home again, and tell me I don't need an invitation to visit them.

Gentle Reader: Yes, he will always be your son-in-law, and she will be your daughter-in-law. This does not necessarily apply to other people in a similar situation, and in fact rarely does. But if anyone tries to tell you that it doesn't apply to you, send them to Miss Manners, who will deal with them very severely."

The upshot is that etiquette never stands in the way of people who are dear to you.
posted by JanetLand at 7:48 AM on August 22, 2023 [18 favorites]

I don't think there's any question in etiquette that you can choose to still call these people your relatives if you feel close to them and wish to do so. If there's acrimony between the families, they might object, but you'd probably know if that's likely to be the case.

Legally speaking, things may get a little trickier. In situations where some benefit accrues to family members, whether a step, common law or in-law relationship qualifies as family is often spelled out explicitly in the contract or law that confers the benefit. Whether that relationship is considered to survive the death of the relative that brought the steps / in-laws into the family is often not as clear.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:06 AM on August 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

My step cousin’s ex-wife is ….. one of my best friends, my cousin and I am godmother to her oldest son….that was her doing, not his btw.

I am in constant contact with her and have no contact with him. He and I chat when we bump into each other at my aunt’s house but that’s it.

Her and the boys will always be my family even though we never were family in any legal sense.
posted by koahiatamadl at 10:38 AM on August 22, 2023

My mom died when I was 14, my dad remarried 2 years later. He died in 2014 and my stepmom died last year. I still consider my stepbrothers and their families as my family. Because they are.
posted by tommasz at 11:27 AM on August 22, 2023

I call my stepuncle's stepkids my stepstep cousins

my grandmother was awful to him but I made it clear that I considered him family
posted by brujita at 11:49 AM on August 22, 2023

My aunt and uncle divorced when I was a kid, and both remarried. He is still considered a member of our family; we visit him and his wife; and when my aunt comes from another state to visit, she is welcome to stop by and see her ex and his wife (my aunt's second husband passed away some years ago. The divorce happened over 40 years ago).

I am still close with my 1st husband's family members, and consider his niece to be my niece, and she still calls me "aunt".

Family is what you want it to be. Some ties don't last, whether it's a marriage related, or even blood related, relationship.
posted by annieb at 5:45 PM on August 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

Yeah after childhood you get to choose your family unless the state gets in the way - and things like explicit wills are the way to handle that bit.
posted by aspersioncast at 7:40 PM on August 22, 2023