Appropriate expectations for change in blended family?
August 15, 2023 8:21 AM Subscribe
We brought my teenage stepdaughter to live with us full-time after being on a school break visitation schedule for most of our 10 year relationship. Then my spouse lost his job. I'm trying to understand what is reasonable of me vs not reasonable to expect.
Sorry this is a bit all over the place. (I'm in therapy. Partner is finding someone that takes the new insurance. Stepdaughters therapy is pending but in process. We are all medicated appropriately.) Currently my 16yo stepdaughter has no structure or rules except "be sure the dog doesn't follow you outside when you leave to ride your skateboard." She is sleeping most of the day and playing on her phone or playing video games the rest of the day, unless specifically asked to do something.
Husband and I originally discussed giving her a little time to get used to being here before we had a big discussion of house rules and chores, but she is also planning to homeschool and he hasn't done anything to get that started. When he lost his job, I told him he could take a little time to work on home projects in preparation for her coming to live with us before he focuses on finding another job. She came here around the 3rd week of July, around 2 weeks after he lost his job. We had already committed to her coming when he was let go.
He can't get unemployment because he messed up with an old unemployment claim and would have to pay the state vs get money now. He agreed to talk to bio mom about child support but hasn't done it yet. So I am our only source of income right as we add another person.
I don't think I can do this without resentment unless they are both contributing to the family to a level they are each capable of. That means he doesn't sleep in and scroll on his phone for two hours before he starts any tasks for the day. I told him I am worried I can't cope with this adequately and that maybe he should bring her to my MIL's for a while until they are both on solid footing so my poor coping doesn't hurt anyone and he asked what I need for them staying here to be ok. I basically said I need there to be a routine with structure for both of them, I need them both to get some exercise in the morning, and I need him to take responsibility for most household stuff so I can use my brain for more than work and home management.
We have been back 4 days since that conversation and he's made no moves to create any structure or routines.
He has severe ADHD but I need what I need. Am I unreasonable in wanting to ensure he is being productive? Am I unreasonable to want my stepdaughter to have been given some responsibility vs none at all before our big house rules conversation? Am I wrong to be upset that he is allowing her to just sleep and goof off? Yeah she is homeschooling but school has started so shouldn't she have started?
She's a good kid and I am happy to help her heal from the issues that led to her coming to live with us but she's not my responsibility ultimately, especially financially. Even if he were working, I wouldn't be able to cope with him allowing her to sleep all day. Is that a normal thing that parents allow their teenagers to do?
When my husband first lost the job he really was stepping up and handing things but it doesn't last, partly because he is passive/reactive by temperament and due to executive functioning issues. I bring it up and he tries harder. I don't want to parent him but I do want him to parent himself and parent his daughter by giving structure and showing reasonable authority. I told him before she came that I was worried he would be too much of a Disney dad. He reassured me that how he acts when they are here a short time isn't the same as how he will be when she's living here. But so far it's the same. He says it is related to executive functioning problems. He does have the same problem with our 6yo. He does not routinely initiate getting our 6yo to do their chores, but when I remind him the chores need to be done and that 6yo needs to see that it isn't a gendered scenario, he does take responsibility for overseeing those chores.
Anyway. I resent my husband for sleeping later than I get to sleep on work days. I resent him spending more time on entertainment than productive activities. I resent that he's not tried to get my stepdaughter to do anything to help around the house. He only did it when I complained that he hadn't done it. Am I being unfairly controlling?
I should probably add that he also had car problems right when all this happened and his car is still not working right so that adds to my stress. However, the immediacy of the problem and the dopamine in trying to solve the problem had him proactively productive for several days, so my frustration was less. Now that he's hit a point where he needs the mechanic to look at it, his default behavior is bothering me.
We will do family therapy soon but I need less appointments to manage and oversee right now so right now it's my personal therapy and being sure everyone in the home has their psych meds, which is 3 doctors and 4 appointments already.
My husband behaved badly in the past when he was out of work. I am sure I posted about it. He's not really doing any of those things now. He's handling dinner most days, runs whatever errands I ask for, takes over the parenting of the 6yo whenever I need a break, lets me sleep late both weekend days, is trying to manage grocery shopping despite executive functioning issues, cleans when asked, and has mostly kept himself busy with household needs to my satisfaction. But I can't handle him sleeping in and now that my stepdaughter is here, I can't handle him having no expectations of her. I can't handle him having more time to do leisure activities than I have. My desire is for him to ensure that he's gotten enough done during the work day that we have basically even amounts of leisure time. He will probably never organize himself adequately for that level of productivity without help. (He found this last job only because he worked with voc rehab to do the organizational elements of finding a job.)
We got him an executive functioning coach right before he lost the job but we can't pay $150 a week for that right now. When he has income he will start that up again. I don't believe anyone on our insurance plan offers a coaching approach to psychotherapy for ADHD unfortunately.
So long story shorter, before you blast him please understand that he's actually been trying hard. I have a personal issue tolerating someone feeling depressed and giving into it entirely. He said stepdaughter is depressed. All the more reason to be sure she's not in her room all day or sleeping all day from my perspective. His ADHD is inattentive type and he struggles with task initiation. I know that intellectually but I still expect him to take responsibility for dealing with it. Basically I think I've got some internalized ableism coloring my expectations and I don't know where to put my expectations so that they are compassionate for the struggles people are having while also compassionate for myself and my own struggles and needs.
My fairness buttons are being pushed really hard right now, and I desire for my partner to be a task master to himself and to some extent with our children so that I don't have to worry about things getting done. He is a happy go lucky passive type of person. He will never naturally be a task master. I know this intellectually but how do I cope with the current situation if he doesn't try to be that person?
This is all complicated by my overwhelm at the general scenario. My stepdaughter will probably be here for a year. That's a year of not having the house to myself during my work days. Previously he went to work in the office and our 6yo was at school. Now 16yo and partner are there most of the day, but without any structure or routines. I am autistic with ADHD and can't handle this unpredictability while I also have to handle never having true alone time anymore. For a year, at least. My partner has been really understanding about how this all impacts me emotionally, having to change so many things, needing him to be pulling his weight. But it feels like he's coddling the 16yo and taking me for granted now. I don't feel respected without daily proof that he realizes it is unfair for me to be the only source of income with another household member here that isn't my responsibility and that it is made more fair by him and her both contributing to family operations. I feel like I've voiced this need a few times now but he's not acting on it consistently. I guess he was waiting on me to initiate the big discussion of house rules and expectations but I told him this morning that can't come from me. It has to come from him because that is how blended families function optimally.
Ultimately I don't know what position I can take that is reasonable vs influenced by my own personal values and fears, and divorced from the realities of parenting older teenagers. She's said herself that she struggles to give herself structure. So do I provide a schedule she can try or modify to suit her needs? Or just accept that she and my husband both can't do it and find some way to tolerate everything being chaotic unless I make it orderly? Do I just say screw optimal functioning and hold a family meeting to say that I am overwhelmed and need everyone to pitch in so we can keep our ship afloat? My stepdaughter knows I have ADHD, autism and anxiety. She's seen me struggle and seen me thank husband for stepping in when issues cause mental health challenges for me. (I've been intentionally transparent in front of her about it, because lack of understanding and acceptance of this stuff contributed to her problems at home with mom). But I can understand depression makes things hard, while still expecting people to figure out how to contribute anyway, right? Or am I being unreasonable and ableist? Where do I draw the line between the needs people have and accountability vs ableist expectations?
Sorry this is a bit all over the place. (I'm in therapy. Partner is finding someone that takes the new insurance. Stepdaughters therapy is pending but in process. We are all medicated appropriately.) Currently my 16yo stepdaughter has no structure or rules except "be sure the dog doesn't follow you outside when you leave to ride your skateboard." She is sleeping most of the day and playing on her phone or playing video games the rest of the day, unless specifically asked to do something.
Husband and I originally discussed giving her a little time to get used to being here before we had a big discussion of house rules and chores, but she is also planning to homeschool and he hasn't done anything to get that started. When he lost his job, I told him he could take a little time to work on home projects in preparation for her coming to live with us before he focuses on finding another job. She came here around the 3rd week of July, around 2 weeks after he lost his job. We had already committed to her coming when he was let go.
He can't get unemployment because he messed up with an old unemployment claim and would have to pay the state vs get money now. He agreed to talk to bio mom about child support but hasn't done it yet. So I am our only source of income right as we add another person.
I don't think I can do this without resentment unless they are both contributing to the family to a level they are each capable of. That means he doesn't sleep in and scroll on his phone for two hours before he starts any tasks for the day. I told him I am worried I can't cope with this adequately and that maybe he should bring her to my MIL's for a while until they are both on solid footing so my poor coping doesn't hurt anyone and he asked what I need for them staying here to be ok. I basically said I need there to be a routine with structure for both of them, I need them both to get some exercise in the morning, and I need him to take responsibility for most household stuff so I can use my brain for more than work and home management.
We have been back 4 days since that conversation and he's made no moves to create any structure or routines.
He has severe ADHD but I need what I need. Am I unreasonable in wanting to ensure he is being productive? Am I unreasonable to want my stepdaughter to have been given some responsibility vs none at all before our big house rules conversation? Am I wrong to be upset that he is allowing her to just sleep and goof off? Yeah she is homeschooling but school has started so shouldn't she have started?
She's a good kid and I am happy to help her heal from the issues that led to her coming to live with us but she's not my responsibility ultimately, especially financially. Even if he were working, I wouldn't be able to cope with him allowing her to sleep all day. Is that a normal thing that parents allow their teenagers to do?
When my husband first lost the job he really was stepping up and handing things but it doesn't last, partly because he is passive/reactive by temperament and due to executive functioning issues. I bring it up and he tries harder. I don't want to parent him but I do want him to parent himself and parent his daughter by giving structure and showing reasonable authority. I told him before she came that I was worried he would be too much of a Disney dad. He reassured me that how he acts when they are here a short time isn't the same as how he will be when she's living here. But so far it's the same. He says it is related to executive functioning problems. He does have the same problem with our 6yo. He does not routinely initiate getting our 6yo to do their chores, but when I remind him the chores need to be done and that 6yo needs to see that it isn't a gendered scenario, he does take responsibility for overseeing those chores.
Anyway. I resent my husband for sleeping later than I get to sleep on work days. I resent him spending more time on entertainment than productive activities. I resent that he's not tried to get my stepdaughter to do anything to help around the house. He only did it when I complained that he hadn't done it. Am I being unfairly controlling?
I should probably add that he also had car problems right when all this happened and his car is still not working right so that adds to my stress. However, the immediacy of the problem and the dopamine in trying to solve the problem had him proactively productive for several days, so my frustration was less. Now that he's hit a point where he needs the mechanic to look at it, his default behavior is bothering me.
We will do family therapy soon but I need less appointments to manage and oversee right now so right now it's my personal therapy and being sure everyone in the home has their psych meds, which is 3 doctors and 4 appointments already.
My husband behaved badly in the past when he was out of work. I am sure I posted about it. He's not really doing any of those things now. He's handling dinner most days, runs whatever errands I ask for, takes over the parenting of the 6yo whenever I need a break, lets me sleep late both weekend days, is trying to manage grocery shopping despite executive functioning issues, cleans when asked, and has mostly kept himself busy with household needs to my satisfaction. But I can't handle him sleeping in and now that my stepdaughter is here, I can't handle him having no expectations of her. I can't handle him having more time to do leisure activities than I have. My desire is for him to ensure that he's gotten enough done during the work day that we have basically even amounts of leisure time. He will probably never organize himself adequately for that level of productivity without help. (He found this last job only because he worked with voc rehab to do the organizational elements of finding a job.)
We got him an executive functioning coach right before he lost the job but we can't pay $150 a week for that right now. When he has income he will start that up again. I don't believe anyone on our insurance plan offers a coaching approach to psychotherapy for ADHD unfortunately.
So long story shorter, before you blast him please understand that he's actually been trying hard. I have a personal issue tolerating someone feeling depressed and giving into it entirely. He said stepdaughter is depressed. All the more reason to be sure she's not in her room all day or sleeping all day from my perspective. His ADHD is inattentive type and he struggles with task initiation. I know that intellectually but I still expect him to take responsibility for dealing with it. Basically I think I've got some internalized ableism coloring my expectations and I don't know where to put my expectations so that they are compassionate for the struggles people are having while also compassionate for myself and my own struggles and needs.
My fairness buttons are being pushed really hard right now, and I desire for my partner to be a task master to himself and to some extent with our children so that I don't have to worry about things getting done. He is a happy go lucky passive type of person. He will never naturally be a task master. I know this intellectually but how do I cope with the current situation if he doesn't try to be that person?
This is all complicated by my overwhelm at the general scenario. My stepdaughter will probably be here for a year. That's a year of not having the house to myself during my work days. Previously he went to work in the office and our 6yo was at school. Now 16yo and partner are there most of the day, but without any structure or routines. I am autistic with ADHD and can't handle this unpredictability while I also have to handle never having true alone time anymore. For a year, at least. My partner has been really understanding about how this all impacts me emotionally, having to change so many things, needing him to be pulling his weight. But it feels like he's coddling the 16yo and taking me for granted now. I don't feel respected without daily proof that he realizes it is unfair for me to be the only source of income with another household member here that isn't my responsibility and that it is made more fair by him and her both contributing to family operations. I feel like I've voiced this need a few times now but he's not acting on it consistently. I guess he was waiting on me to initiate the big discussion of house rules and expectations but I told him this morning that can't come from me. It has to come from him because that is how blended families function optimally.
Ultimately I don't know what position I can take that is reasonable vs influenced by my own personal values and fears, and divorced from the realities of parenting older teenagers. She's said herself that she struggles to give herself structure. So do I provide a schedule she can try or modify to suit her needs? Or just accept that she and my husband both can't do it and find some way to tolerate everything being chaotic unless I make it orderly? Do I just say screw optimal functioning and hold a family meeting to say that I am overwhelmed and need everyone to pitch in so we can keep our ship afloat? My stepdaughter knows I have ADHD, autism and anxiety. She's seen me struggle and seen me thank husband for stepping in when issues cause mental health challenges for me. (I've been intentionally transparent in front of her about it, because lack of understanding and acceptance of this stuff contributed to her problems at home with mom). But I can understand depression makes things hard, while still expecting people to figure out how to contribute anyway, right? Or am I being unreasonable and ableist? Where do I draw the line between the needs people have and accountability vs ableist expectations?
... a year of not having the house to myself during my work days... Now 16yo and partner are [home] there most of the day, but without any structure or routines. I am autistic with ADHD and can't handle this unpredictability while I also have to handle never having true alone time anymore.
There is a lot going on, but I think this is the top priority. It's threatening your livelihood, right when you're currently the sole financial support of the family.
- Car goes to the mechanic, stat. They need a vehicle to get out of the house on a particular schedule, for everyone's sake.
- Husband and stepdaughter try "body doubling": her schoolwork, his job applications first and foremost, then anything household-related/family-life-tasks that can be delegated. They're online at the library, at the coffee shop, at the ____ at reliable times on weekdays, because your home is your workplace.
- Both children have age-appropriate household chores on a regular schedule.
I guess he was waiting on me to initiate the big discussion of house rules and expectations but I told him this morning that can't come from me. It has to come from him because that is how blended families function optimally.
Disagree. You are the higher-functioning head of the household, and historically he has relied on you for most of the initiating and scheduling. Stepdaughter's schooling needs to be sorted before she misses the entire year. The child-support conversation needs to get going with the ex. (Of course he doesn't want to do it, he's embarrassed he lost his job, especially after agreeing to the new living arrangements for the eldest. But if I recall correctly, that means your salary supports the child you share, the teen stepdaughter living with you, and the three [four?] stepdaughters who live with the ex. Without his salary, savings will be depleted pretty fast.)
I'm sorry this is happening, and that you're overwhelmed. Please understand: Anyone in this situation would be overwhelmed. Be kind to yourself. Overall, it's a great thing for your stepdaughter to be in an environment where her particular struggles are recognized for what they are. You not only intellectually understand, you're sympathetic, because you have ADHD, too. You still need to protect your alone time and see to your own health. Setting schedules will help everyone. You make them, husband and stepdaughter give input, you adjust the schedules, then you all move forward with this balancing act. I'm sorry you're the one who will have to do it, but you are the most capable adult in the house. You are not being unreasonable, ableist, or anything like that -- you are recognizing and acknowledging the current multi-part crisis, and are the one best-equipped to take point on it at the moment.
As always, best wishes crunchypotato. In your Asks, your devotion to your family is apparent.
posted by Iris Gambol at 9:09 AM on August 15, 2023 [9 favorites]
There is a lot going on, but I think this is the top priority. It's threatening your livelihood, right when you're currently the sole financial support of the family.
- Car goes to the mechanic, stat. They need a vehicle to get out of the house on a particular schedule, for everyone's sake.
- Husband and stepdaughter try "body doubling": her schoolwork, his job applications first and foremost, then anything household-related/family-life-tasks that can be delegated. They're online at the library, at the coffee shop, at the ____ at reliable times on weekdays, because your home is your workplace.
- Both children have age-appropriate household chores on a regular schedule.
I guess he was waiting on me to initiate the big discussion of house rules and expectations but I told him this morning that can't come from me. It has to come from him because that is how blended families function optimally.
Disagree. You are the higher-functioning head of the household, and historically he has relied on you for most of the initiating and scheduling. Stepdaughter's schooling needs to be sorted before she misses the entire year. The child-support conversation needs to get going with the ex. (Of course he doesn't want to do it, he's embarrassed he lost his job, especially after agreeing to the new living arrangements for the eldest. But if I recall correctly, that means your salary supports the child you share, the teen stepdaughter living with you, and the three [four?] stepdaughters who live with the ex. Without his salary, savings will be depleted pretty fast.)
I'm sorry this is happening, and that you're overwhelmed. Please understand: Anyone in this situation would be overwhelmed. Be kind to yourself. Overall, it's a great thing for your stepdaughter to be in an environment where her particular struggles are recognized for what they are. You not only intellectually understand, you're sympathetic, because you have ADHD, too. You still need to protect your alone time and see to your own health. Setting schedules will help everyone. You make them, husband and stepdaughter give input, you adjust the schedules, then you all move forward with this balancing act. I'm sorry you're the one who will have to do it, but you are the most capable adult in the house. You are not being unreasonable, ableist, or anything like that -- you are recognizing and acknowledging the current multi-part crisis, and are the one best-equipped to take point on it at the moment.
As always, best wishes crunchypotato. In your Asks, your devotion to your family is apparent.
posted by Iris Gambol at 9:09 AM on August 15, 2023 [9 favorites]
I think that the overwhelm is the big issue here. They may not be behaving the way you like, but it's a reasonable expectation for other people to sleep when they can sleep, rather than to sleep when you think they should sleep. Being upset with people for having poor executive functioning is like being upset with them for having the wrong genetics and not having the facial features you want them to have. These are things that are a base part of them and they can't change.
Being upset about the mess and the disorder and things that actually inconvenience you, like not having clean dishes when you need them, and being ultra anxious about the incoming coming in, and not being willing to support a step daughter when money is tight ARE all reasonable things to be upset over. They can be absolutely unbearable. It's definitely not reasonable if you are now having to wash the sixteen year olds dishes and prep her meals and pick up her stuff and do her laundry. But it is normal for many sixteen year olds to still be quite crap at doing those things for themselves.
Would you relax and be totally happy if your step daughter and your husband both got up at six thirty, took a half hour jog before cleaning the kitchen and preparing you breakfast, and then the husband put in six hours job hunting while the step daughter put in six hours on home schooling? If he didn't find a job as the months ticked by, and you still had an unfamiliar person in the house who put all the dishes away in the wrong place and scorched the finish off your non stick pans, and played with the dog so that it barked a lot, you'd be not a whole lot better off from where you are now where you perceive them as not trying hard enough. I think that wanting them to be on a good schedule is a red herring. They could be even more of a burden to you on a good schedule than on a bad one. Think of being left a huge mound of breakfast dishes to wash. Just trying to get to work on time in the morning while fighting for space in the kitchen is enough to cause some relationships to fail. Their sleeping in is your time to not have to battle for space with them.
Your situation sucks. Your anxiety and discomfort is off the charts, and it's not surprising. But your husband might have lost his job because although he drinks coffee and gets to work on time, his first two hours may have been spent in a non functional blur. What if he needs to spend at least two hours waking up? It might be better for him to spend two hours gaming until he is properly awake, than sending out badly filled out job applications. Waiting each day until he actually can fill them out properly could be a critically necessary component of his job search. So being upset that he is not job searching in a way that soothes your fear is misplaced.
It's really down to the fact that your situation sucks so much. The sheer terror of the money fears, the burden of working and still having to compensate for two people with executive impairment, and having a new person actually living in your space is quite enough to have you stressed and despairing and never comfortable in your own home. But it's not clear that they really could take a whole lot of that stress off you.
Your fairness buttons are really being hit hard right now, because its not fair. It's not fair that your people have executive functioning issues when some other person just like you has a couple of efficiency demons living with her. It's not fair that your husband got laid off just when he had taken on a parenting commitment that was expected to be supported on his income. It's not fair that your step daughter has not taken one look at the situation and risen to the occasion by immediately drawing on all possible maturity to become a domestic tower of strength, and instead is being the burden of an average sixteen-year-old whose parents are fearfully thinking will this kid ever launch?? You just didn't cut any breaks.
You need more emotional support right now than you are getting, but probably your need for reassurance is driving your family to be less able to support it, because they too need more support than they are getting, and right now they need you to be a tower of strength so magnificent that you need no support at all... Unfair!
You are all struggling and all need each other's help, and you are probably all trying really hard but overwhelmed. I would honestly suggest some bonding activities at this point, as long as they do not put a greater burden on anyone, especially you, the primary executive function person. So think in terms of nothing you have to organize and nothing you have to pay extra for. Think more along the lines of putting a silly comedy show on, making yourself popcorn, and inviting the step daughter to come and watch it with you. Or how about proposing to the spouse before bed time that you both give each other massages? You basically need to get some good feelings coming in to counter balance the bad ones you are experiencing. You're going through a real tough time. So try asking for specific stuff to make you feel better, like going to your step daughter and saying, "Can you get up and make me a cup of tea? I need looking after right now," or asking your spouse, "Can you take step-daughter out for a walk today? I'm worried that she isn't getting any exercise or sunlight and will turn into a troll. Yes, I know she's fine. I want you to take her so I will stop worrying."
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:09 AM on August 15, 2023 [14 favorites]
Being upset about the mess and the disorder and things that actually inconvenience you, like not having clean dishes when you need them, and being ultra anxious about the incoming coming in, and not being willing to support a step daughter when money is tight ARE all reasonable things to be upset over. They can be absolutely unbearable. It's definitely not reasonable if you are now having to wash the sixteen year olds dishes and prep her meals and pick up her stuff and do her laundry. But it is normal for many sixteen year olds to still be quite crap at doing those things for themselves.
Would you relax and be totally happy if your step daughter and your husband both got up at six thirty, took a half hour jog before cleaning the kitchen and preparing you breakfast, and then the husband put in six hours job hunting while the step daughter put in six hours on home schooling? If he didn't find a job as the months ticked by, and you still had an unfamiliar person in the house who put all the dishes away in the wrong place and scorched the finish off your non stick pans, and played with the dog so that it barked a lot, you'd be not a whole lot better off from where you are now where you perceive them as not trying hard enough. I think that wanting them to be on a good schedule is a red herring. They could be even more of a burden to you on a good schedule than on a bad one. Think of being left a huge mound of breakfast dishes to wash. Just trying to get to work on time in the morning while fighting for space in the kitchen is enough to cause some relationships to fail. Their sleeping in is your time to not have to battle for space with them.
Your situation sucks. Your anxiety and discomfort is off the charts, and it's not surprising. But your husband might have lost his job because although he drinks coffee and gets to work on time, his first two hours may have been spent in a non functional blur. What if he needs to spend at least two hours waking up? It might be better for him to spend two hours gaming until he is properly awake, than sending out badly filled out job applications. Waiting each day until he actually can fill them out properly could be a critically necessary component of his job search. So being upset that he is not job searching in a way that soothes your fear is misplaced.
It's really down to the fact that your situation sucks so much. The sheer terror of the money fears, the burden of working and still having to compensate for two people with executive impairment, and having a new person actually living in your space is quite enough to have you stressed and despairing and never comfortable in your own home. But it's not clear that they really could take a whole lot of that stress off you.
Your fairness buttons are really being hit hard right now, because its not fair. It's not fair that your people have executive functioning issues when some other person just like you has a couple of efficiency demons living with her. It's not fair that your husband got laid off just when he had taken on a parenting commitment that was expected to be supported on his income. It's not fair that your step daughter has not taken one look at the situation and risen to the occasion by immediately drawing on all possible maturity to become a domestic tower of strength, and instead is being the burden of an average sixteen-year-old whose parents are fearfully thinking will this kid ever launch?? You just didn't cut any breaks.
You need more emotional support right now than you are getting, but probably your need for reassurance is driving your family to be less able to support it, because they too need more support than they are getting, and right now they need you to be a tower of strength so magnificent that you need no support at all... Unfair!
You are all struggling and all need each other's help, and you are probably all trying really hard but overwhelmed. I would honestly suggest some bonding activities at this point, as long as they do not put a greater burden on anyone, especially you, the primary executive function person. So think in terms of nothing you have to organize and nothing you have to pay extra for. Think more along the lines of putting a silly comedy show on, making yourself popcorn, and inviting the step daughter to come and watch it with you. Or how about proposing to the spouse before bed time that you both give each other massages? You basically need to get some good feelings coming in to counter balance the bad ones you are experiencing. You're going through a real tough time. So try asking for specific stuff to make you feel better, like going to your step daughter and saying, "Can you get up and make me a cup of tea? I need looking after right now," or asking your spouse, "Can you take step-daughter out for a walk today? I'm worried that she isn't getting any exercise or sunlight and will turn into a troll. Yes, I know she's fine. I want you to take her so I will stop worrying."
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:09 AM on August 15, 2023 [14 favorites]
I definitely understand how frustrating this sounds for you! I'm glad you're getting support systems set up for all involved.
Beyond that, I think to the extent you can manage it, you should focus on your husband right now. Yes, you can and should ask him to step up more to do more around the house, deal with the car and the child support, make sure the kid is set up with whatever she needs to start the school year depending on what home school is going to look like for her, and plan some structure to get the kids out of the house for e.g. a regular weekday lunch-with-dad or whatever gets you at least one chunk of predictable quiet time. I'm less sure it makes sense to ask him to regulate his exercise schedule or sleep schedule except to the extent needed to handle his kid obligations, and maybe that stuff could wait until you see how much of your stress would be alleviated if he were doing the other stuff you need him to do.
The daughter sounds to me like she's been having a fairly normal teenage summer other than not having social contact with her peers - does she have friends where you are? If not, conduct her social life via phone seems like it would take up a similar chunk of her time. I also don't think requiring her to get exercise at a particular time of day, or perhaps at all, should be any kind of priority right now. But it does seem like it would be time to start talking about getting a chore or two on her plate so that she can get into that rhythm, and to have a plan for when she's going to start her schoolwork, what she's going to be learning, what her school days will look like, etc. I think especially if your younger child has age-appropriate chore expectations and his school has started; I can imagine it feeling unfair to him if his big sister doesn't have to do any chores or do any schooling and he does, so now that she's had a bit of a break, it's probably time to even out the expectations for both kiddos a bit. On the other hand depending how close you are to her starting therapy I can also see letting her start that so she has a support system in place during that transition - that would only be if you expect her to have a therapist within, say, two weeks, vs. two months.
Sending her to the MIL feels like the nuclear option and I don't think you should do that if you have any other option. "My stepmom couldn't cope with me being there and sent me away after a month" is the kind of family story that's really hard to come back from.
posted by Stacey at 9:10 AM on August 15, 2023 [1 favorite]
Beyond that, I think to the extent you can manage it, you should focus on your husband right now. Yes, you can and should ask him to step up more to do more around the house, deal with the car and the child support, make sure the kid is set up with whatever she needs to start the school year depending on what home school is going to look like for her, and plan some structure to get the kids out of the house for e.g. a regular weekday lunch-with-dad or whatever gets you at least one chunk of predictable quiet time. I'm less sure it makes sense to ask him to regulate his exercise schedule or sleep schedule except to the extent needed to handle his kid obligations, and maybe that stuff could wait until you see how much of your stress would be alleviated if he were doing the other stuff you need him to do.
The daughter sounds to me like she's been having a fairly normal teenage summer other than not having social contact with her peers - does she have friends where you are? If not, conduct her social life via phone seems like it would take up a similar chunk of her time. I also don't think requiring her to get exercise at a particular time of day, or perhaps at all, should be any kind of priority right now. But it does seem like it would be time to start talking about getting a chore or two on her plate so that she can get into that rhythm, and to have a plan for when she's going to start her schoolwork, what she's going to be learning, what her school days will look like, etc. I think especially if your younger child has age-appropriate chore expectations and his school has started; I can imagine it feeling unfair to him if his big sister doesn't have to do any chores or do any schooling and he does, so now that she's had a bit of a break, it's probably time to even out the expectations for both kiddos a bit. On the other hand depending how close you are to her starting therapy I can also see letting her start that so she has a support system in place during that transition - that would only be if you expect her to have a therapist within, say, two weeks, vs. two months.
Sending her to the MIL feels like the nuclear option and I don't think you should do that if you have any other option. "My stepmom couldn't cope with me being there and sent me away after a month" is the kind of family story that's really hard to come back from.
posted by Stacey at 9:10 AM on August 15, 2023 [1 favorite]
I am sorry. That sounds hard.
The only thing that I see as really controlling and inappropriate is you saying you want them both to get more exercise in the morning.
I like the family meeting idea. Whether in that context, or in lieu of that, would it be helpful to make a "task" list of things you want "taken off your hands" while you are in this situation, and deputizing him to assign some age-appropriate ones to the daughter? I get that this is more emotional labor for you (list-making) and that you would want an adult partner to step up on his own, but whether because of ADHD or your dynamic, it does not seem like he will. For me in this situation that would probably be a lesser or the two evils solution.
posted by virve at 9:10 AM on August 15, 2023 [1 favorite]
The only thing that I see as really controlling and inappropriate is you saying you want them both to get more exercise in the morning.
I like the family meeting idea. Whether in that context, or in lieu of that, would it be helpful to make a "task" list of things you want "taken off your hands" while you are in this situation, and deputizing him to assign some age-appropriate ones to the daughter? I get that this is more emotional labor for you (list-making) and that you would want an adult partner to step up on his own, but whether because of ADHD or your dynamic, it does not seem like he will. For me in this situation that would probably be a lesser or the two evils solution.
posted by virve at 9:10 AM on August 15, 2023 [1 favorite]
I think the 'exercise in the morning' part of your question relates to ongoing ADHD management? (Your husband's is severe, his daughter has it, too, but the severity of hers is unclear; regular exercise helps some people, particularly at the start of their day.) Maybe it's another area where tandeming can help, once sleep schedules are back on track. Walking youngest child to school together after breakfast, for example, or biking to the library to start their respective online tasks for the day.
posted by Iris Gambol at 9:19 AM on August 15, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by Iris Gambol at 9:19 AM on August 15, 2023 [4 favorites]
I had a ‘I’m doing all the work I hate this’ explosion recently and got a huge return on the fair play cards . I went through and removed the ones not applicable, then picked out what only I could do and put the rest in a stack with sticker labels split among the people living in my house. They eventually traded and took roughly even cards each, and I wrote it up for us all to see who had what. It hasn’t been as strict in practice but I am definitely doing less and also not feeling the mental load - I don’t worry about putting together the grocery list, that’s his job etc.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 9:42 AM on August 15, 2023 [13 favorites]
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 9:42 AM on August 15, 2023 [13 favorites]
A depressed 16 year old girl isn't going to have the executive functioning skills to set up her own separate yoga practice. Do you keep extending invites and she forgets? Or is this just a question of wanting to do it alone on your part?
posted by kingdead at 9:50 AM on August 15, 2023
posted by kingdead at 9:50 AM on August 15, 2023
This is a lot to unpack. Here's what I would address in the order I would address it.
1. You need a quiet place to work and be. In my life, "the whole house" would not be a reasonable ask but a room to one's self would be. I also have noise cancelling headphones. I would focus on getting this in place as soon as possible. If this means your spouse needs to be out of the bedroom at 7am, so be it.
2. I think a family meeting is a good idea. Here is what I think is within bounds for the family: everyone needs to pitch in on chores, quiet times/noisy times, having a regular-ish schedule (I'm not sure why you need everyone up but I'm thinking it has to do with the 6 year old's mornings?), having a schedule that accounts for others' exercise time as well as yours, and schedules your time off (nights you don't cook, afternoons your spouse watches your 6 year old and you go get coffee and have a walk) getting school in place.
3. Here's what's between you and your partner: health issues, his getting back to work, including exercise...but this is not for you to manage. However, you can let him know that you really need to know that Team Us is moving forwards, not backwards.
4. Here's what's between your partner and the daughter: school again (like if she's not enrolling at all what's the plan), her health and exercise habits. You could see about enrolling her in something she can walk to (classes/gym), which might take pressure off of both of you.
5. Here's what I think should be off the table.
a) sending your stepdaughter away. That's her dad, whether he's a Disney dad with executive function issues or not.
b) your concept of fairness. Look, there is just no way that an unemployed person can "make up" for the way work and society function. Also, laid off people are under a lot of stress and their coping mechanisms will be different. It sucks to be the working one, 100%, but it's really not something you can regulate by fairness doctrine. This does not mean you have to just cope! It means you can't draw a line in the sand that is "fair."
What you CAN regulate is making sure you take time for yourself. Let them know Friday nights are their night to feed your 6 year old and then you go see a movie or whatever.
6. Here's what I think you also need on the table:
- supports for the 16 year old - she needs someone working with her on school/career stuff and she needs an activity where she'll meet other 16 year olds in a positive way (volunteering, exercise classes, art classes, part time job, whatever)
- employment supports for your spouse - here there are employment centres for everyone where they also have layoff support groups, not sure what you have there
There are other ways to go like "family time at the rec centre/gym/pool/bike ride" etc. (which works only if people take it as fun time together and not forced workout time) but it doesn't sound like you have the bandwidth to sort that out so - one step at a time.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:00 AM on August 15, 2023 [8 favorites]
1. You need a quiet place to work and be. In my life, "the whole house" would not be a reasonable ask but a room to one's self would be. I also have noise cancelling headphones. I would focus on getting this in place as soon as possible. If this means your spouse needs to be out of the bedroom at 7am, so be it.
2. I think a family meeting is a good idea. Here is what I think is within bounds for the family: everyone needs to pitch in on chores, quiet times/noisy times, having a regular-ish schedule (I'm not sure why you need everyone up but I'm thinking it has to do with the 6 year old's mornings?), having a schedule that accounts for others' exercise time as well as yours, and schedules your time off (nights you don't cook, afternoons your spouse watches your 6 year old and you go get coffee and have a walk) getting school in place.
3. Here's what's between you and your partner: health issues, his getting back to work, including exercise...but this is not for you to manage. However, you can let him know that you really need to know that Team Us is moving forwards, not backwards.
4. Here's what's between your partner and the daughter: school again (like if she's not enrolling at all what's the plan), her health and exercise habits. You could see about enrolling her in something she can walk to (classes/gym), which might take pressure off of both of you.
5. Here's what I think should be off the table.
a) sending your stepdaughter away. That's her dad, whether he's a Disney dad with executive function issues or not.
b) your concept of fairness. Look, there is just no way that an unemployed person can "make up" for the way work and society function. Also, laid off people are under a lot of stress and their coping mechanisms will be different. It sucks to be the working one, 100%, but it's really not something you can regulate by fairness doctrine. This does not mean you have to just cope! It means you can't draw a line in the sand that is "fair."
What you CAN regulate is making sure you take time for yourself. Let them know Friday nights are their night to feed your 6 year old and then you go see a movie or whatever.
6. Here's what I think you also need on the table:
- supports for the 16 year old - she needs someone working with her on school/career stuff and she needs an activity where she'll meet other 16 year olds in a positive way (volunteering, exercise classes, art classes, part time job, whatever)
- employment supports for your spouse - here there are employment centres for everyone where they also have layoff support groups, not sure what you have there
There are other ways to go like "family time at the rec centre/gym/pool/bike ride" etc. (which works only if people take it as fun time together and not forced workout time) but it doesn't sound like you have the bandwidth to sort that out so - one step at a time.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:00 AM on August 15, 2023 [8 favorites]
Response by poster: I need to clarify that I was never trying to send the daughter away. I was suggesting that my husband and stepdaughter might need to relocate to MIL temporarily. If he can't function as an independent adult and can't help her function, then realistically I can't hold this situation together. I'm one person with a young child and a job to focus on. MIL was a homemaker, is wealthy, and has more time and other resources. She can tolerate being the caretaker for both of them better than I can. If it is clear to me I don't have to be the caretaker by myself that's not necessary but if my partner can't be a true partner and coparent without a ton of managing from me, then I cannot cope with this situation for very long. A month or two, yeah sure, but 6+ months in survival mode and hurting myself medically because I have to take on so much for an entire household is not something I can realistically commit to. It's not about stepdaughter. It's really about my partner. If he can't step up then he needs to take them both somewhere vs dumping everything in my lap to manage, which is what happens for everything he doesn't hold on his own. It was already too much sometimes when he was working too. Now I have the financial pressure and more executive functioning to compensate for? It's about my capacity to not burn out or break down, not anything to do with anyone's value or my love for anyone. I can love someone and still be unable to sustain the level of care they require. I might have the strongest EF skills of the household but I still order 5 bags of apples accidentally or forget to add water to the instant pot. I don't have the capacity to be the caregiver here in any sustainable way.
And breakdown from overwhelm looks like meltdowns which look like anger and I don't want to put anyone in the position of being present for that. It's better they both go somewhere than I try to force something I can't do and then have angry outbursts because I am autistic and sometimes that is what happens when an autistic person can't cope with something.
posted by crunchy potato at 10:18 AM on August 15, 2023 [11 favorites]
And breakdown from overwhelm looks like meltdowns which look like anger and I don't want to put anyone in the position of being present for that. It's better they both go somewhere than I try to force something I can't do and then have angry outbursts because I am autistic and sometimes that is what happens when an autistic person can't cope with something.
posted by crunchy potato at 10:18 AM on August 15, 2023 [11 favorites]
Is there a reason stepdaughter can't go to public school temporarily while dad sets up homeschooling as planned? Ideally it would help with structure and socialization for her, and if it's terrible, it might lend some urgency to him as well. A 16-year-old's main activity is supposed to be school.
posted by shadygrove at 10:27 AM on August 15, 2023 [16 favorites]
posted by shadygrove at 10:27 AM on August 15, 2023 [16 favorites]
It sounds like you and your partner living together creates a lot of difficulty for both of you. You both have worked really hard to make it possible/doable at all, but in both this question and previous ones, it sounds like it’s never easy.
I think the idea of partner & his daughter temporarily moving to MIL’s is a good one; partner living separately from you might also end up as a good long term solution. There are a lot of people who have committed long term partners that live separately - I know our culture says that couples have to live together, but it doesn’t have to be true. If you lived separately, you would have the house to yourself whenever 6yo is at school or with his dad. You would need to do more around the house, but you’d also have a lot less managing to do. Your partner might also benefit; he could lie in bed scrolling all morning if that’s how he wants to manage his time, and perhaps he’d be forced to figure out a way to take on more household management.
posted by maleficent at 10:34 AM on August 15, 2023 [11 favorites]
I think the idea of partner & his daughter temporarily moving to MIL’s is a good one; partner living separately from you might also end up as a good long term solution. There are a lot of people who have committed long term partners that live separately - I know our culture says that couples have to live together, but it doesn’t have to be true. If you lived separately, you would have the house to yourself whenever 6yo is at school or with his dad. You would need to do more around the house, but you’d also have a lot less managing to do. Your partner might also benefit; he could lie in bed scrolling all morning if that’s how he wants to manage his time, and perhaps he’d be forced to figure out a way to take on more household management.
posted by maleficent at 10:34 AM on August 15, 2023 [11 favorites]
From an earlier question I remember you all had a reason for the kid wanting to homeschool, but I really want to suggest that you again consider her enrolling in public school. Even in a not super well-funded public school, the structure can be incredibly helpful for a lot of ADHD kids. It would give her activity and social engagement, too. I think stepdaughter is behaving like a pretty typical 16 year old with her sleep schedule and behavior. She doesn't sound like an ideal candidate for homeschooling because it doesn't sound like she wants to direct her own education, and let's not pretend your husband is going to do this. It's not going to happen.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:35 AM on August 15, 2023 [28 favorites]
posted by bluedaisy at 10:35 AM on August 15, 2023 [28 favorites]
then I cannot cope with this situation for very long. A month or two, yeah sure, but 6+ months in survival mode and hurting myself medically because I have to take on so much for an entire household is not something I can realistically commit to.
I don't think this is ableist, by the way. Nothing you've written here entails believing that your husband is lazy or malicious or malingering. His care needs, especially coupled with his daughter's, may simply be greater than you can address, especially within the scope of what's supposed to be (roughly, over time) an equal partnership. And you have too many responsibilities to allow your own ability to hold down a job to be jeopardized.
Having husband and stepdaughter go stay with MIL may be the most practical plan--assuming she'll accept it. But you should be aware that he will probably take it as, and in practice it may actually be, a first step towards divorce.
posted by praemunire at 10:35 AM on August 15, 2023 [7 favorites]
I don't think this is ableist, by the way. Nothing you've written here entails believing that your husband is lazy or malicious or malingering. His care needs, especially coupled with his daughter's, may simply be greater than you can address, especially within the scope of what's supposed to be (roughly, over time) an equal partnership. And you have too many responsibilities to allow your own ability to hold down a job to be jeopardized.
Having husband and stepdaughter go stay with MIL may be the most practical plan--assuming she'll accept it. But you should be aware that he will probably take it as, and in practice it may actually be, a first step towards divorce.
posted by praemunire at 10:35 AM on August 15, 2023 [7 favorites]
Can she attend school rather than homeschooling? Given what you describe I think homeschooling will exacerbate your current frustrations as it will likely become yet another responsibility for you.
posted by emd3737 at 10:47 AM on August 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by emd3737 at 10:47 AM on August 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
But I can't handle him sleeping in and now that my stepdaughter is here, I can't handle him having no expectations of her. I can't handle him having more time to do leisure activities than I have. My desire is for him to ensure that he's gotten enough done during the work day that we have basically even amounts of leisure time.
So this kind of thing really stuck out to me in your question. It seems like half of your question is about what you actually need for yourself in terms of taking the load off you. And the other half of your question is about judgments you are making of him and about the situation--that he "should" have even amounts of free time as you and stick to a particular schedule so things are "fair." Wanting him to exercise every morning and stick to a particular schedule are not your personal needs. You told him it was fine to not look for a job yet, so unless he fills up his time with arbitrary tasks he's just going to have more leisure time than you. I think you should tell him you are very worried about the financial burden and actually want him to start looking for jobs NOW and deal with the child support ASAP, not pull your hair out trying to get him on some schedule that is going to make him feel judged and micromanaged.
Side note, your stepdaughter sounds very easy and respectful for a teenager! She does things when you ask her to? (You can't expect more from a teenager, truly!) She wants to go to yoga with you and thanked you for bringing her? Don't let your resentment at things being unfair get in the way of having a good relationship with her. The lack of a schedule will solve itself when school starts. You can ask her to do reasonable chores, help her get into some activities that she can go to, encourage her to take care of her health without being overbearing, and make an effort to spend some quality time with her--that is the foundation of a rewarding relationship where she will be thankful she had you in her life as a parent.
posted by Mistaken for Strangers at 10:52 AM on August 15, 2023 [14 favorites]
So this kind of thing really stuck out to me in your question. It seems like half of your question is about what you actually need for yourself in terms of taking the load off you. And the other half of your question is about judgments you are making of him and about the situation--that he "should" have even amounts of free time as you and stick to a particular schedule so things are "fair." Wanting him to exercise every morning and stick to a particular schedule are not your personal needs. You told him it was fine to not look for a job yet, so unless he fills up his time with arbitrary tasks he's just going to have more leisure time than you. I think you should tell him you are very worried about the financial burden and actually want him to start looking for jobs NOW and deal with the child support ASAP, not pull your hair out trying to get him on some schedule that is going to make him feel judged and micromanaged.
Side note, your stepdaughter sounds very easy and respectful for a teenager! She does things when you ask her to? (You can't expect more from a teenager, truly!) She wants to go to yoga with you and thanked you for bringing her? Don't let your resentment at things being unfair get in the way of having a good relationship with her. The lack of a schedule will solve itself when school starts. You can ask her to do reasonable chores, help her get into some activities that she can go to, encourage her to take care of her health without being overbearing, and make an effort to spend some quality time with her--that is the foundation of a rewarding relationship where she will be thankful she had you in her life as a parent.
posted by Mistaken for Strangers at 10:52 AM on August 15, 2023 [14 favorites]
Is your mother in law willing to accept her son and granddaughter living with her? Because there are a lot of good suggestions on here but the message you're giving back is that you just do not want to live with these people anymore.
posted by kingdead at 11:05 AM on August 15, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by kingdead at 11:05 AM on August 15, 2023 [6 favorites]
Do you work from home?
Your resentment is understandable, but it creates new problems, so if you can release it, that will help. You are psychologizing your husband. I think that's getting in the way. He has ADHD. He needs structure, goals and lists. His feelings are his own, his results matter to the family. You want to manage the home, but he should be participating in this emotional labor; it sets a batter example for Daughter and it balances the relationship. He has a debt to the state, is not working, has a car that needs repair. Spending on entertainment should be prioritized for times when the family is together.
Meet with Spouse; make a plan for household tasks and projects and a schedule. It's not good for people with ADHD to have a random sleep schedule, and the phone is a massive distractor, He should be setting goals for things to do, with the reward of entertainment or stars on the calendar, whatever. If he sleeps late, he stays up late, more pointless distraction, and it really leads to feeling crappy and depressed. He should have a regular schedule because he and Daughter need it, not to please you. Same result. Focus on valid reasons, not your feelings, and on results. I think your feelings come from the same place, but feelings-based requirements are bossy. Healthy family requirements are reasonable.
Stepdaughter is planning to homeschool? Self home schooling is called independent study. Homeschooling requires a plan, benchmarks, materials, books, some form of curriculum. She is not showing an ability to launch this; it's a huge project and more than she should be expected to develop; Spouse should be assisting and supervising. Daughter has moved, and school activities are where high school friendships form. Those friendships are really important, find a way to support friends for he.
Family meeting. You and spouse now have an idea of what needs to be done, the family plans how this will happen. Shopping, laundry, cleaning of common areas and bedrooms, yardwork, appointments with doctors, maintenance, etc. It's fair for someone to say they desperately hate dusting and taking out the trash and not do those tasks except in a pinch, but everybody has to step up. Make a schedule for the tasks.
Homeschooling needs a meeting, and if you know a teacher of homeschooling parent who's good at it, ask for some help. It results in a curriculum of some sort, and lists of books, material, plans.
You can do this. They can do this. You take on all of the responsibility and of course it's overwhelming. Sharing responsibility means giving up some control. The dishes will get put away wrong, the bathroom will be cleaned with somebody else's cleaner choices, the laundry will be folded weird. That's insignificant. There are lots of potential upsides; Spouse has more stability and feels better, Daughter learns, you lose control but gain the chance to breathe.
Where is Biomom in all this? I hope she has a meaningful role in Daughter's life, if safe and possible.
posted by theora55 at 11:07 AM on August 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
Your resentment is understandable, but it creates new problems, so if you can release it, that will help. You are psychologizing your husband. I think that's getting in the way. He has ADHD. He needs structure, goals and lists. His feelings are his own, his results matter to the family. You want to manage the home, but he should be participating in this emotional labor; it sets a batter example for Daughter and it balances the relationship. He has a debt to the state, is not working, has a car that needs repair. Spending on entertainment should be prioritized for times when the family is together.
Meet with Spouse; make a plan for household tasks and projects and a schedule. It's not good for people with ADHD to have a random sleep schedule, and the phone is a massive distractor, He should be setting goals for things to do, with the reward of entertainment or stars on the calendar, whatever. If he sleeps late, he stays up late, more pointless distraction, and it really leads to feeling crappy and depressed. He should have a regular schedule because he and Daughter need it, not to please you. Same result. Focus on valid reasons, not your feelings, and on results. I think your feelings come from the same place, but feelings-based requirements are bossy. Healthy family requirements are reasonable.
Stepdaughter is planning to homeschool? Self home schooling is called independent study. Homeschooling requires a plan, benchmarks, materials, books, some form of curriculum. She is not showing an ability to launch this; it's a huge project and more than she should be expected to develop; Spouse should be assisting and supervising. Daughter has moved, and school activities are where high school friendships form. Those friendships are really important, find a way to support friends for he.
Family meeting. You and spouse now have an idea of what needs to be done, the family plans how this will happen. Shopping, laundry, cleaning of common areas and bedrooms, yardwork, appointments with doctors, maintenance, etc. It's fair for someone to say they desperately hate dusting and taking out the trash and not do those tasks except in a pinch, but everybody has to step up. Make a schedule for the tasks.
Homeschooling needs a meeting, and if you know a teacher of homeschooling parent who's good at it, ask for some help. It results in a curriculum of some sort, and lists of books, material, plans.
You can do this. They can do this. You take on all of the responsibility and of course it's overwhelming. Sharing responsibility means giving up some control. The dishes will get put away wrong, the bathroom will be cleaned with somebody else's cleaner choices, the laundry will be folded weird. That's insignificant. There are lots of potential upsides; Spouse has more stability and feels better, Daughter learns, you lose control but gain the chance to breathe.
Where is Biomom in all this? I hope she has a meaningful role in Daughter's life, if safe and possible.
posted by theora55 at 11:07 AM on August 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
Like other commenters I think there's a mix here of reasonable expectations and some things that it's not realistic for you to expect to control, such as how much someone else sleeps or exercises. I can tell you from experience that having ADHD and/or depression can be profoundly immobilizing, and one cannot always simply will oneself to exercise or not sleep at a particular time. In fact one usually cannot will oneself to do these things, and this can be a lifelong struggle. Often, what is needed is to make accommodations for these things and work with and not against ones natural tendencies. People with ADHD often have a delayed sleep phase. I cannot imagine forcing myself to get up at 7 or 8 when not required to for work just because someone else finds it unfair not to, provided I was otherwise trying my best to pull my weight.
Relatedly, if your husband's daughter hasn't been screened for ADHD, this might be something to suggest as it is highly genetic and makes one very susceptible to screen addictions.
One of the most difficult parts of ADHD is untangling the shame and stigma internalized from the outside world and created by behaviours that one cannot control or can only control by damaging one's own well being and self esteem. There had to be a way to create structure and expectations that support ones wellbeing. I don't think it's fair to assume that sleeping in and phone scrolling all day are a deliberate choice, and most likely the person doing such berates themselves internally for not being able to rise and shine and do yoga.
Battling over these things could really damage your relationships with both people. It certainly did with my mom when I was a young adult living at home and not living up to her specific expectations with respect to what activities I was doing and when, and I felt them to be deeply unfair. I can now see they came from a place of concern, but I still feel that her anxieties over the future were unfairly projected onto me and I still have feelings about it.
I wonder if your feelings about these smaller details are driven primarily by your overall reasonable concerns about the mid to long term future with respect to your financial stability and reasonable desire not to feel overwhelmed by your own responsibilities. I also wonder if your level of overwhelm might be improved by accepting that you cannot always change how other act, and trying to focus on the things directly in your control. I would let go of some of the specific expectations, and focus on what you need to be well. Holding on to such specific expectations of others might not be the way to address your own big feelings about the fairness of what's expected of you by others and what expectations you're imposing on yourself.
posted by lookoutbelow at 11:28 AM on August 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
Relatedly, if your husband's daughter hasn't been screened for ADHD, this might be something to suggest as it is highly genetic and makes one very susceptible to screen addictions.
One of the most difficult parts of ADHD is untangling the shame and stigma internalized from the outside world and created by behaviours that one cannot control or can only control by damaging one's own well being and self esteem. There had to be a way to create structure and expectations that support ones wellbeing. I don't think it's fair to assume that sleeping in and phone scrolling all day are a deliberate choice, and most likely the person doing such berates themselves internally for not being able to rise and shine and do yoga.
Battling over these things could really damage your relationships with both people. It certainly did with my mom when I was a young adult living at home and not living up to her specific expectations with respect to what activities I was doing and when, and I felt them to be deeply unfair. I can now see they came from a place of concern, but I still feel that her anxieties over the future were unfairly projected onto me and I still have feelings about it.
I wonder if your feelings about these smaller details are driven primarily by your overall reasonable concerns about the mid to long term future with respect to your financial stability and reasonable desire not to feel overwhelmed by your own responsibilities. I also wonder if your level of overwhelm might be improved by accepting that you cannot always change how other act, and trying to focus on the things directly in your control. I would let go of some of the specific expectations, and focus on what you need to be well. Holding on to such specific expectations of others might not be the way to address your own big feelings about the fairness of what's expected of you by others and what expectations you're imposing on yourself.
posted by lookoutbelow at 11:28 AM on August 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
the message you're giving back is that you just do not want to live with these people anymore
Yeah, the question you asked is what's reasonable to expect vs what's unreasonable to expect, but I think the question contains some baked in things that I would personally find unreasonable.
You've been with this person for ten years and have a stepdaughter, but yet you said "she's not my responsibility ultimately, especially financially". I think this a really strange perspective - this is your stepdaughter, your daughter. I would personally not find this a reasonable perspective, but I think that this is responsible for a lot of the disconnect.
You say I resent that he's not tried to get my stepdaughter to do anything to help around the house.
I think, as the parent of a teenager, that it's important to note that while it is reasonable to ask teenagers to help around the house, that asking the teenagers to help around the house is for the purpose of helping the teenager, not for the purpose of actually being helpful or managing getting things done. So for example: you might ask them to do the dishes, but not because you are expecting them to take the problem of dishes off your plate, but more because you want them to eventually learn how to do dishes so when they live on their own, they will be able to handle dishes. You will still wind up having to do dishes every week, even if dishes are 'their' responsibility.
You asked about blended family expectations. But do you consider yourselves a blended family? Or do you consider the family only yourself, your partner, and the six year old, with the stepdaughter just kind of an 'extra'?
posted by corb at 11:42 AM on August 15, 2023 [16 favorites]
Yeah, the question you asked is what's reasonable to expect vs what's unreasonable to expect, but I think the question contains some baked in things that I would personally find unreasonable.
You've been with this person for ten years and have a stepdaughter, but yet you said "she's not my responsibility ultimately, especially financially". I think this a really strange perspective - this is your stepdaughter, your daughter. I would personally not find this a reasonable perspective, but I think that this is responsible for a lot of the disconnect.
You say I resent that he's not tried to get my stepdaughter to do anything to help around the house.
I think, as the parent of a teenager, that it's important to note that while it is reasonable to ask teenagers to help around the house, that asking the teenagers to help around the house is for the purpose of helping the teenager, not for the purpose of actually being helpful or managing getting things done. So for example: you might ask them to do the dishes, but not because you are expecting them to take the problem of dishes off your plate, but more because you want them to eventually learn how to do dishes so when they live on their own, they will be able to handle dishes. You will still wind up having to do dishes every week, even if dishes are 'their' responsibility.
You asked about blended family expectations. But do you consider yourselves a blended family? Or do you consider the family only yourself, your partner, and the six year old, with the stepdaughter just kind of an 'extra'?
posted by corb at 11:42 AM on August 15, 2023 [16 favorites]
First, I agree that you seem to be treating stepdaughter as an ‘extra’ to your core family. She is core family as much as your other child is. And that’s good news! Because you can be 100% a parent and establish firm but age-appropriate boundaries about what is expected to live in this household. Doing household tasks is not ‘helping out’, it’s expected as a contributing member of the household, whether 6 or 16 or adult.
I disagree with some of the comments here about teenagers not being able to do dishes. Washing dishes or loading the dishwasher is a completely age-appropriate task, sixteen-year old teenagers can and should be expected to handle this by themselves with the help of a friendly list.
Likewise your husband should have the tasks that he should be in charge of without you having to monitor him. Even with ADHD, you can both come to an agreement on the tasks he CAN do and is willing to contribute — and then just leave it to him. Do not monitor or supervise. If it doesn’t get done, short of being life-threatening, then it doesn’t.
You seem irritable your lack of alone time — as I was, during the height of Covid, when everyone was stuck in their homes. Understandable. You are recommending exercise or something(!) anything (!) to get them out of the house. Also understandable. What really helps if you set a tasks that they both have to do, without fail, everyday. It could be that your husband needs to take your 6yo to school or daycare in the morning everyday, and your daughter has to go along. Non-negotiable. Certainly that’s the only way I get out of the house — obligation. But I feel better after that.
Your feelings are 100% appropriate, your husband may not be able to manage his lack of executive functioning, but it is completely unfair to be the only functioning adult in a household of three people. However, I would say that you did marry him — in sickness and health and all that — is this a new development, is the something you have accepted all along but can’t quite cope with the extra person in the house? We all go into relationships with an acceptance of what we can each contribute and make our peace with that (or not), and this is different for every relationship, no one should be the judge except the both of you, so I am curious to understand what has changed, why now, why after ten years.
posted by moiraine at 12:20 PM on August 15, 2023 [7 favorites]
I disagree with some of the comments here about teenagers not being able to do dishes. Washing dishes or loading the dishwasher is a completely age-appropriate task, sixteen-year old teenagers can and should be expected to handle this by themselves with the help of a friendly list.
Likewise your husband should have the tasks that he should be in charge of without you having to monitor him. Even with ADHD, you can both come to an agreement on the tasks he CAN do and is willing to contribute — and then just leave it to him. Do not monitor or supervise. If it doesn’t get done, short of being life-threatening, then it doesn’t.
You seem irritable your lack of alone time — as I was, during the height of Covid, when everyone was stuck in their homes. Understandable. You are recommending exercise or something(!) anything (!) to get them out of the house. Also understandable. What really helps if you set a tasks that they both have to do, without fail, everyday. It could be that your husband needs to take your 6yo to school or daycare in the morning everyday, and your daughter has to go along. Non-negotiable. Certainly that’s the only way I get out of the house — obligation. But I feel better after that.
Your feelings are 100% appropriate, your husband may not be able to manage his lack of executive functioning, but it is completely unfair to be the only functioning adult in a household of three people. However, I would say that you did marry him — in sickness and health and all that — is this a new development, is the something you have accepted all along but can’t quite cope with the extra person in the house? We all go into relationships with an acceptance of what we can each contribute and make our peace with that (or not), and this is different for every relationship, no one should be the judge except the both of you, so I am curious to understand what has changed, why now, why after ten years.
posted by moiraine at 12:20 PM on August 15, 2023 [7 favorites]
I’m sorry you’re struggling. A few thoughts:
- husband needs to talk to stepdaughter’s mom about child support, get car fixed and figure out the homeschooling situation ASAP. Like yesterday. He also needs to get out of the house with her regularly to help you stay sane.
- it seems like your relationship with your husband is structured so that you are a task manager/task doer while he is just a task doer so I think you should give him more of your tasks so you can focus more on management. He can give some of those tasks to stepdaughter but you should have fewer tasks while he’s not working.
- don’t beat yourself up over accidentally ordering five bags of apples.
- stepdaughter seems like a relatively mature kid. Can she be part of the solution? What chores did she do at home before? What strengths does she bring?
- take breaks and cut yourself some slack. If you need 30 minutes of quiet time alone in your bedroom after work, take it.
This is stressful but it’s temporary. Good luck.
posted by kat518 at 12:27 PM on August 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
- husband needs to talk to stepdaughter’s mom about child support, get car fixed and figure out the homeschooling situation ASAP. Like yesterday. He also needs to get out of the house with her regularly to help you stay sane.
- it seems like your relationship with your husband is structured so that you are a task manager/task doer while he is just a task doer so I think you should give him more of your tasks so you can focus more on management. He can give some of those tasks to stepdaughter but you should have fewer tasks while he’s not working.
- don’t beat yourself up over accidentally ordering five bags of apples.
- stepdaughter seems like a relatively mature kid. Can she be part of the solution? What chores did she do at home before? What strengths does she bring?
- take breaks and cut yourself some slack. If you need 30 minutes of quiet time alone in your bedroom after work, take it.
This is stressful but it’s temporary. Good luck.
posted by kat518 at 12:27 PM on August 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
Even a neurotypical and mentally healthy six year old and a sixteen year old will not have fully matured/developed executive functioning skills to manage their time and responsibilities. They are still learning these skills and more importantly learning how to be in relationship with family/friends/eventual co-workers in a way that shows they take personal responsibility, while also allowing for individual preference, and setting healthy boundaries.
The adults in the family help children develop their executive function by both modelling behaviors and setting explicit structure - homework time, chores, expected level of manners, bedtimes, etc. Unfortunately you are the only adult in the household able to do those things consistently at the moment. That means if you want things to change, you may have to take a more hands on approach for a while.
A family meeting is a good place to start. Some thoughts for how to frame questions/facilitate include:
- Limit the amount of time people can share grievances. People should get to share what's frustrating them, but this meeting is about solutions.
- Have everyone write 3 things that are not working for them on an index card. There are probably way more than three things that are not working, but it will be impossible to fix them all at once.
- Go through each one of the index cards (remember everyone, including 6 year old gets a voice) and brainstorm solutions. You said your husband had an executive functioning coach in the past, now is a great time to revisit any tools.
- Make some agreements to try out a few solutions for a few weeks. Determine how you will hold each other accountable for doing this - chore charts, alarms, shared calendar?
- Try things out an have another family meeting in 3-4 weeks to evaluate what is working and where you might need some adjustments.
And while your husband has ADHD, that's a reason, not an excuse. He is still capable of taking responsibility for how his actions or non-actions and impacting you and making a good faith effort to be a true collaborative partner who is actively trying to minimize negative impacts to you.
posted by brookeb at 12:45 PM on August 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
The adults in the family help children develop their executive function by both modelling behaviors and setting explicit structure - homework time, chores, expected level of manners, bedtimes, etc. Unfortunately you are the only adult in the household able to do those things consistently at the moment. That means if you want things to change, you may have to take a more hands on approach for a while.
A family meeting is a good place to start. Some thoughts for how to frame questions/facilitate include:
- Limit the amount of time people can share grievances. People should get to share what's frustrating them, but this meeting is about solutions.
- Have everyone write 3 things that are not working for them on an index card. There are probably way more than three things that are not working, but it will be impossible to fix them all at once.
- Go through each one of the index cards (remember everyone, including 6 year old gets a voice) and brainstorm solutions. You said your husband had an executive functioning coach in the past, now is a great time to revisit any tools.
- Make some agreements to try out a few solutions for a few weeks. Determine how you will hold each other accountable for doing this - chore charts, alarms, shared calendar?
- Try things out an have another family meeting in 3-4 weeks to evaluate what is working and where you might need some adjustments.
And while your husband has ADHD, that's a reason, not an excuse. He is still capable of taking responsibility for how his actions or non-actions and impacting you and making a good faith effort to be a true collaborative partner who is actively trying to minimize negative impacts to you.
posted by brookeb at 12:45 PM on August 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
Why isn’t one chore of either your husband or stepdaughter to get up and make you breakfast??? You’re the main earner in this scenario and they, or at least your husband, should be doing everything to help that. (If someone has a late sleep schedule, they can set up the rice cooker on a timer for you with cold toppings in the fridge the night before, perhaps when making lunches.) If it were me, this kind of daily caretaking would be non-negotiable, along with taking the little one to school and probably pickups as well. Daily routine will help with an ADHD person, plus the shame of being the late parent at dropoff might help to give some (non-you) consequences to not following the routine…
Perhaps that will give you the space to get out the door early so you can have some daily alone time before work? It might have to be outside the house, so maybe there’s a low key coffee shop you can visit? Otherwise I suggest figuring out something you want to do after work and do that as many times a week as possible. Local library? Walking a trail? Going swimming? Early mall opening? Get your alone time outside the house. Maybe you can also sign them all up to do something every Saturday so you get the house to yourself, like all ages sports or animal rescue or choir or trail cleanup or something weekly?
I also agree with comments above questioning the logic of home schooling. School provides structure, otherwise someone has to make that structure and while it’s not fair to have you do it, I also don’t think it’s likely to happen from your husband or daughter, based on what you’ve written. So I would put a hard stop to that idea (for your own sanity!) unless there’s a workable option like MIL taking that on somehow. Even if that means a change in school district, so what? You need more structure and this is a way to make it happen.
Also agree about asking your husband to look for work now vs. later. Some people can step up as a SAHP, but it doesn’t look like he’s one of them. No need to dwell on that, or shame him, just get him working to find a new job. My husband wouldn’t do well at that either. Plus it does sound like a stressful financial situation and there’s no need to drain your savings to support him staying home with little benefit. (Teenagers can also work part-time jobs, btw., or at least volunteer situations that get them out of the house…)
posted by ec2y at 12:55 PM on August 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
Perhaps that will give you the space to get out the door early so you can have some daily alone time before work? It might have to be outside the house, so maybe there’s a low key coffee shop you can visit? Otherwise I suggest figuring out something you want to do after work and do that as many times a week as possible. Local library? Walking a trail? Going swimming? Early mall opening? Get your alone time outside the house. Maybe you can also sign them all up to do something every Saturday so you get the house to yourself, like all ages sports or animal rescue or choir or trail cleanup or something weekly?
I also agree with comments above questioning the logic of home schooling. School provides structure, otherwise someone has to make that structure and while it’s not fair to have you do it, I also don’t think it’s likely to happen from your husband or daughter, based on what you’ve written. So I would put a hard stop to that idea (for your own sanity!) unless there’s a workable option like MIL taking that on somehow. Even if that means a change in school district, so what? You need more structure and this is a way to make it happen.
Also agree about asking your husband to look for work now vs. later. Some people can step up as a SAHP, but it doesn’t look like he’s one of them. No need to dwell on that, or shame him, just get him working to find a new job. My husband wouldn’t do well at that either. Plus it does sound like a stressful financial situation and there’s no need to drain your savings to support him staying home with little benefit. (Teenagers can also work part-time jobs, btw., or at least volunteer situations that get them out of the house…)
posted by ec2y at 12:55 PM on August 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
If you've stopped doing *any* of this:
posted by sagc at 1:10 PM on August 15, 2023 [1 favorite]
trying to help them feel comfortable when they were with us, trying to organize family outings for bonding and asking what they wanted from the store and helping them when they couldn't sleep and all that kind of stuff.I think you're going to need to start doing at least some of it again. Otherwise, the 16 year old will absolutely feel like an imposition, and possible as if they and their father need to fight for some sort of attention from you to get what ought to be regular consideration for someone you live with and presumably want to thrive.
posted by sagc at 1:10 PM on August 15, 2023 [1 favorite]
I also want to weigh in that homeschooling, unless there is a special reason it's needed, seems like a bad idea in this case. Who will be doing the schooling? You don't have time to. Your husband is probably not up to the level of management that it requires. And if the sixteen year old is struggling with mental health or undiagnosed ADHD, then she'll need more hands on support for this to be successful.
If a traditional public school is not a good fit for the sixteen year old are their alternative schools or good charter schools that might be a better fit?
posted by brookeb at 1:15 PM on August 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
If a traditional public school is not a good fit for the sixteen year old are their alternative schools or good charter schools that might be a better fit?
posted by brookeb at 1:15 PM on August 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Hi, I am a single mother of a disabled three-year-old who can’t walk and talk and may never walk and talk. Luckily my ex-husband has primary custody and is wealthy and financially supports our son. A month and a half ago my schizophrenic stepsister moved into my house with her 4-year-old son with ADHD and her 5-month-old baby, because the father of her kids was in jail and she was about to be homeless. I am the only full time employed person. I get you, I am you, hello!
Please ignore 99% of these responses about making charts and loving your stepdaughter as your own and blah blah blah. They are well intentioned, but they are not grasping the situation, probably because you are such a capable person you even downplayed the situation in your question (and probably asked the wrong question, tbh.) You do not need to support your family. You ARE supporting your family. You need to support YOU! You are in crisis! You are drowning! You need help!
You need to get whatever you need immediately, and you need to make it clear that it’s not a nice suggestion. Break down, yell, disappear to a hotel for a couple days, take on credit card debt if you have to, but GET THE POINT ACROSS to your family that you are breaking. I promise you, when you break, they will find other help. They are just ignoring it right now because they don’t believe you are breaking, and they are challenging you to teach them the hard way.
Teach them the hard way! Make life harder for them, not easier. Stop paying bills! Leave! Go on vacation! Act erratically! Cry! Yes, kick them out if it comes to that!
This is a put on your own oxygen mask situation. Their opinions are not relevant. You, as the most stable and sane adult, need to make decisions on your own behalf. Also, get AS MUCH STATE AND PROFESSIONAL SUPPORT AS YOU CAN. EMAIL EVERYONE. EVERY PROGRAM, EVERY CHARITY, EVERY FRIEND, EVERYONE WHO OWES YOU A FAVOR, EVERYONE. Call in the troops! Raise a fuss! Overreact, now!
posted by stockpuppet at 1:19 PM on August 15, 2023 [31 favorites]
Please ignore 99% of these responses about making charts and loving your stepdaughter as your own and blah blah blah. They are well intentioned, but they are not grasping the situation, probably because you are such a capable person you even downplayed the situation in your question (and probably asked the wrong question, tbh.) You do not need to support your family. You ARE supporting your family. You need to support YOU! You are in crisis! You are drowning! You need help!
You need to get whatever you need immediately, and you need to make it clear that it’s not a nice suggestion. Break down, yell, disappear to a hotel for a couple days, take on credit card debt if you have to, but GET THE POINT ACROSS to your family that you are breaking. I promise you, when you break, they will find other help. They are just ignoring it right now because they don’t believe you are breaking, and they are challenging you to teach them the hard way.
Teach them the hard way! Make life harder for them, not easier. Stop paying bills! Leave! Go on vacation! Act erratically! Cry! Yes, kick them out if it comes to that!
This is a put on your own oxygen mask situation. Their opinions are not relevant. You, as the most stable and sane adult, need to make decisions on your own behalf. Also, get AS MUCH STATE AND PROFESSIONAL SUPPORT AS YOU CAN. EMAIL EVERYONE. EVERY PROGRAM, EVERY CHARITY, EVERY FRIEND, EVERYONE WHO OWES YOU A FAVOR, EVERYONE. Call in the troops! Raise a fuss! Overreact, now!
posted by stockpuppet at 1:19 PM on August 15, 2023 [31 favorites]
Your stress is palpable and this situation sounds hard. With that said, you seem to think that the 16-year-old has a responsibility to help lower your stress by taking on chores, and I don’t think that’s reasonable here. That’s not to say that a teenager shouldn’t have some chores and responsibilities, because of course they should. You can and should expect her to clean up after herself. But you seem to be lumping her in with her husband, saying that it’s not fair if they just sit around, and the fact is this is a child with presumably some mental health issues who just underwent a major change and she may need some time to rest and acclimate, especially if she’s burned out. She can clean up after herself but this isn’t the time to be allocating actual housework to her to reduce your own stress levels.
The one to focus on is your husband. He can pick up more chores to help reduce your stress now that he’s not working. Of course it’s complicated by his ADHD, but, I mean, he can do something, right? Laundry? Empty the dishwasher? Vacuum? Pick up the 6-year-old from school?
The teenager has a process of healing that she needs to go through now and your husband should be the primary person supporting her in that. That may look like she’s just “taking up space” or lying around but she’s not. Rest is a verb. Rest is an action all on its own, and she needs time and space to do that right now.
The problem is you’re not getting your own rest, and that sucks. Can you call in extra help to manage some of the housework? There must be a way for your husband to take himself and his 2 kids out of the house regularly so you can get your alone time. Can they go out to dinner? Maybe to a movie? All of them spend weekends at your MIL’s? You need time and space to recharge, because this is a lot, and without that you’re going to break down. If he needs to stay with your MIL for a time, that’s understandable and it’s not wrong of you to ask for that.
posted by Amy93 at 1:48 PM on August 15, 2023 [4 favorites]
The one to focus on is your husband. He can pick up more chores to help reduce your stress now that he’s not working. Of course it’s complicated by his ADHD, but, I mean, he can do something, right? Laundry? Empty the dishwasher? Vacuum? Pick up the 6-year-old from school?
The teenager has a process of healing that she needs to go through now and your husband should be the primary person supporting her in that. That may look like she’s just “taking up space” or lying around but she’s not. Rest is a verb. Rest is an action all on its own, and she needs time and space to do that right now.
The problem is you’re not getting your own rest, and that sucks. Can you call in extra help to manage some of the housework? There must be a way for your husband to take himself and his 2 kids out of the house regularly so you can get your alone time. Can they go out to dinner? Maybe to a movie? All of them spend weekends at your MIL’s? You need time and space to recharge, because this is a lot, and without that you’re going to break down. If he needs to stay with your MIL for a time, that’s understandable and it’s not wrong of you to ask for that.
posted by Amy93 at 1:48 PM on August 15, 2023 [4 favorites]
I think you need to put aside the nacho stepparenting thing, not because it's not a good approach. I think it's a great approach. But it's not really working as your approach, because your husband is lacking in his parenting. And that's really the big problem here. Of course it matters why that's happening, but it doesn't really matter why, in terms of how that impacts you and your stepdaughter.
Right now you're on this nacho/not-nacho rollercoaster, and that's part of what's creating all this tension and stress. You want to nacho, but that requires a more involved parent who is parenting. Nacho works, I think, when you disagree with your spouse's parenting choices, not when they aren't really stepping up. right?
Also, I want to both sympathize with what you are saying about your stepdaughter not doing chores and also point out that she's a kid, and she's dealing with a lot. I know you are dealing with a lot, but you are also an adult and even with all this chaos, you have a lot more control. And while I don't think you are asking her to be Cinderella, it's also the case that it's your husband who needs to step up with chores and who could be asking her to be on top of a few basic things and make sure she's cleaning up after herself.
Sure, you could have a family meeting and figure out chore lists (including for the 6 year old), but please let this kid be a bit of a kid. (I say this as a single mom with two older teens who live with me full time, and one of whom doesn't really do any chores at all and has mostly been bumming around all summer while I work full-time and manage the household, and at times that has been really frustrating). That teen has the physical capacity of an adult but not the intellectual or emotional reasoning of an adult.
In the bigger picture, are you thinking about what it would look like to not live with your husband? Regardless of what that meant for the marriage itself -- whether you stayed together or not -- it might be better for you all. Honestly, it might push him to take more responsibility. Are you only still in this marriage because you're worried he can't take care of himself and his kids?
posted by bluedaisy at 2:27 PM on August 15, 2023 [9 favorites]
Right now you're on this nacho/not-nacho rollercoaster, and that's part of what's creating all this tension and stress. You want to nacho, but that requires a more involved parent who is parenting. Nacho works, I think, when you disagree with your spouse's parenting choices, not when they aren't really stepping up. right?
Also, I want to both sympathize with what you are saying about your stepdaughter not doing chores and also point out that she's a kid, and she's dealing with a lot. I know you are dealing with a lot, but you are also an adult and even with all this chaos, you have a lot more control. And while I don't think you are asking her to be Cinderella, it's also the case that it's your husband who needs to step up with chores and who could be asking her to be on top of a few basic things and make sure she's cleaning up after herself.
Sure, you could have a family meeting and figure out chore lists (including for the 6 year old), but please let this kid be a bit of a kid. (I say this as a single mom with two older teens who live with me full time, and one of whom doesn't really do any chores at all and has mostly been bumming around all summer while I work full-time and manage the household, and at times that has been really frustrating). That teen has the physical capacity of an adult but not the intellectual or emotional reasoning of an adult.
In the bigger picture, are you thinking about what it would look like to not live with your husband? Regardless of what that meant for the marriage itself -- whether you stayed together or not -- it might be better for you all. Honestly, it might push him to take more responsibility. Are you only still in this marriage because you're worried he can't take care of himself and his kids?
posted by bluedaisy at 2:27 PM on August 15, 2023 [9 favorites]
I'm wondering if MIL might at least be willing to help pay for a cleaning service, etc., to help reduce the number of tasks the household needs to navigate to function while your stepdaughter is living with you. This is her granddaughter you have taken in, after all. Presumably she has some familiarity with her son's struggles.
posted by praemunire at 3:17 PM on August 15, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 3:17 PM on August 15, 2023 [6 favorites]
unless he fills up his time with arbitrary tasks he's just going to have more leisure time than you.
He wouldn't necessarily have more leisure time if he were parenting his daughter and doing his share of the household work.
I'm surprised by some of the answers here. I was a terribly difficult teenager, and I did chores because my single working single mother needed me to do chores to keep the household running. I was an asshole about it, but I've never heard the position that teenagers can't be expected to competently do chores to take some weight off their parents. I agree that the primary issue is your husband, but the 16 year old can empty the dishwasher or something.
Likewise, I've had ADHD and depression and struggled to do basic tasks. But can your husband really not set an alarm, get up, and perform a series of tasks you put on a list for him? If he truly can't, then you should send them both to your MIL. What you're doing now is unsustainable.
You probably need to stop doing everything for them and let things fall apart some. If they still won't do anything, send them to the MIL.
posted by Mavri at 3:56 PM on August 15, 2023 [12 favorites]
He wouldn't necessarily have more leisure time if he were parenting his daughter and doing his share of the household work.
I'm surprised by some of the answers here. I was a terribly difficult teenager, and I did chores because my single working single mother needed me to do chores to keep the household running. I was an asshole about it, but I've never heard the position that teenagers can't be expected to competently do chores to take some weight off their parents. I agree that the primary issue is your husband, but the 16 year old can empty the dishwasher or something.
Likewise, I've had ADHD and depression and struggled to do basic tasks. But can your husband really not set an alarm, get up, and perform a series of tasks you put on a list for him? If he truly can't, then you should send them both to your MIL. What you're doing now is unsustainable.
You probably need to stop doing everything for them and let things fall apart some. If they still won't do anything, send them to the MIL.
posted by Mavri at 3:56 PM on August 15, 2023 [12 favorites]
Break down, yell, disappear to a hotel for a couple days, take on credit card debt if you have to, but GET THE POINT ACROSS to your family that you are breaking.
You probably need to stop doing everything for them and let things fall apart some.
I came to say these two things. There is a lot of wisdom from parents and other people with more directly-related experience than me here, which is great, but what seems really obvious to me is that you need a break, and you need it fast. Your family also needs to understand that you are not a superhuman source of bottomless support.
If you can get away for a few days and get some rest, it will probably help you see things differently. In the meantime, leave your husband with a list of tasks and options--including going to stay with his mother for a while--and see what he does.
posted by rpfields at 4:17 PM on August 15, 2023 [7 favorites]
You probably need to stop doing everything for them and let things fall apart some.
I came to say these two things. There is a lot of wisdom from parents and other people with more directly-related experience than me here, which is great, but what seems really obvious to me is that you need a break, and you need it fast. Your family also needs to understand that you are not a superhuman source of bottomless support.
If you can get away for a few days and get some rest, it will probably help you see things differently. In the meantime, leave your husband with a list of tasks and options--including going to stay with his mother for a while--and see what he does.
posted by rpfields at 4:17 PM on August 15, 2023 [7 favorites]
the kid needs to go to school because there is nobody in the house competent to independently instruct her or monitor her progress. I mean for all I know you might be, but you already have a job. an education is owed to her by the state and it is her parent’s responsibility to see that she gets it. she is entitled to it. you make it sound like she wants to be home schooled, so it is a pity that nobody is home schooling her. but the fact must be faced: nobody is. her father is not educating her at home and therefore she must be educated at a public school.
this level of neglect can be life-ruining for a child who hasn’t been lucky enough to spontaneously manifest a fully adult level of self-directed personal responsibility before being abandoned. and it doesn’t sound like she has. you may take the following as meaningless grandstanding, because it is, but I would find it necessary to leave a spouse guilty of this level of neglect. not because otherwise you’re going to have to support this poor kid after she turns 18 and still hasn’t got a high school education, although you are, but because it’s wrong and I couldn’t stand to watch it.
(Is there any reason school should ever start before september? hell no.. would it still be “neglect” if he had the whole year’s curriculum planned out and was just waiting another month? no. but he hasn’t, right?)
meanwhile, she sounds like a joy and if she were reading books instead of her phone I would escalate that to angel. for god’s sake let the girl sleep. the older you get the harder it is. sleeping makes no noise and breaks no laws. the purest of pleasures. teens do not have to be depressed to sleep until afternoon and she is coming to the last faultlessly unemployed days of her life, let her have them. her dad is the one with the responsibilities, don’t hassle her instead of him just because she’s marginally more likely to listen.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:09 PM on August 15, 2023 [37 favorites]
this level of neglect can be life-ruining for a child who hasn’t been lucky enough to spontaneously manifest a fully adult level of self-directed personal responsibility before being abandoned. and it doesn’t sound like she has. you may take the following as meaningless grandstanding, because it is, but I would find it necessary to leave a spouse guilty of this level of neglect. not because otherwise you’re going to have to support this poor kid after she turns 18 and still hasn’t got a high school education, although you are, but because it’s wrong and I couldn’t stand to watch it.
(Is there any reason school should ever start before september? hell no.. would it still be “neglect” if he had the whole year’s curriculum planned out and was just waiting another month? no. but he hasn’t, right?)
meanwhile, she sounds like a joy and if she were reading books instead of her phone I would escalate that to angel. for god’s sake let the girl sleep. the older you get the harder it is. sleeping makes no noise and breaks no laws. the purest of pleasures. teens do not have to be depressed to sleep until afternoon and she is coming to the last faultlessly unemployed days of her life, let her have them. her dad is the one with the responsibilities, don’t hassle her instead of him just because she’s marginally more likely to listen.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:09 PM on August 15, 2023 [37 favorites]
then have angry outbursts because I am autistic and sometimes that is what happens when an autistic person can't cope with something.
not for the first time, someone’s interests are being served by you running a perpetual hard repress on your fully justified, outrageously ignored and disregarded anger, and I don’t think those interests are yours. autistic and non autistic people alike get angry in situations like yours. they get so angry they scream and curse and divorce. a breaking point is a thing everyone has. you have the right to refuse to cope.
particularly considering that he has other relatives on whose mercy and resources he can deposit himself once he bankrupts yours. it is absolutely not going to shatter your stepdaughter’s self-esteem to be shuttled off to her grandmother’s house for the very good reason that her dad has gone there and she, being his child, must follow him. what it might do is reduce her respect for him, if she has any, but that’s fine.
it is very good of you to make such efforts to control yourself around children who contribute to your burdens too but who shouldn’t get yelled at for it. everything you say about the need for some space for their protection as well as your own is fair. you don’t want to lose control of yourself, sure. but sometimes a momentary loss of control “looks like” anger and also feels like anger because you’re angry. god knows you have a right to be.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:43 PM on August 15, 2023 [15 favorites]
not for the first time, someone’s interests are being served by you running a perpetual hard repress on your fully justified, outrageously ignored and disregarded anger, and I don’t think those interests are yours. autistic and non autistic people alike get angry in situations like yours. they get so angry they scream and curse and divorce. a breaking point is a thing everyone has. you have the right to refuse to cope.
particularly considering that he has other relatives on whose mercy and resources he can deposit himself once he bankrupts yours. it is absolutely not going to shatter your stepdaughter’s self-esteem to be shuttled off to her grandmother’s house for the very good reason that her dad has gone there and she, being his child, must follow him. what it might do is reduce her respect for him, if she has any, but that’s fine.
it is very good of you to make such efforts to control yourself around children who contribute to your burdens too but who shouldn’t get yelled at for it. everything you say about the need for some space for their protection as well as your own is fair. you don’t want to lose control of yourself, sure. but sometimes a momentary loss of control “looks like” anger and also feels like anger because you’re angry. god knows you have a right to be.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:43 PM on August 15, 2023 [15 favorites]
I feel like you're trying to be really fair to your husband but you know you're not being fair to yourself. You're hitting your breaking point and you need to let your family know that. Saying I'm really overwhelmed being the only one bringing in money and trying to organize everything. I really need your help.
Write down a list of the major things that need to be done like step daughter needs home school set up in a week or needs to enroll in the local school. Your husband needs to start looking for work, maybe get a part time job to take some of the stress off of you. Everyone, including you, could write down all the chores they do for a week and then redistribute them so it feels more fair. Include mental ones like making doctor appointments and keeping track of everyone's schedule. Ask for ideas on how to make this work because you are burning out.
If it's too much for your husband and SD to handle, bring up that they could stay at his mom's until they're up to dealing with job/school and being more organized. You can tell them you love them but are really overwhelmed right now. Make a hard deadline for the both of them to step up and if they don't, ask them to stay with you MIL because you're not up to taking care of everyone and working.
posted by stray thoughts at 8:40 PM on August 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
Write down a list of the major things that need to be done like step daughter needs home school set up in a week or needs to enroll in the local school. Your husband needs to start looking for work, maybe get a part time job to take some of the stress off of you. Everyone, including you, could write down all the chores they do for a week and then redistribute them so it feels more fair. Include mental ones like making doctor appointments and keeping track of everyone's schedule. Ask for ideas on how to make this work because you are burning out.
If it's too much for your husband and SD to handle, bring up that they could stay at his mom's until they're up to dealing with job/school and being more organized. You can tell them you love them but are really overwhelmed right now. Make a hard deadline for the both of them to step up and if they don't, ask them to stay with you MIL because you're not up to taking care of everyone and working.
posted by stray thoughts at 8:40 PM on August 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
Do you actually, honestly think this man is capable of competently homeschooling a child? Like, do you REALLY?
Let her sleep for the rest of the summer and then send her to an actual school, instead of abandoning her to the care of a man who I wouldn’t trust to take care of a fish for three days.
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:50 AM on August 16, 2023 [15 favorites]
Let her sleep for the rest of the summer and then send her to an actual school, instead of abandoning her to the care of a man who I wouldn’t trust to take care of a fish for three days.
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:50 AM on August 16, 2023 [15 favorites]
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That said, I want to zoom in on one particular sentence fragment because I think it might be revealing of a blind spot you might have:
"I need them both to get some exercise in the morning"
So why do you need someone else to get exercise? I am picking on this particular phrase because it shows that you're not quite clear on separating your own personal needs from how you would like other people to better themselves (might be something good to talk about with your therapist). I don't pretend that this mental separation is easy, many families struggle with this.
"He said stepdaughter is depressed. All the more reason to be sure she's not in her room all day or sleeping all day from my perspective"
Yes, but. You can't externally force it, and it might take a long time for her to get there if she is burned out. She needs good therapy not common-sense advice; the latter is usually wrong and counter-productive.
I would recommend the book The Explosive Child by Ross Greene if you are not already familiar with it. It is time-consuming to put this book into practice so it very definitely is not a quick fix, but it might be helpful if you think of it as a long-term thing.
posted by splitpeasoup at 9:07 AM on August 15, 2023 [17 favorites]