How can I graciously accept apologies that I dispute the premise of?

May 23, 2022 12:22 PM

People have apologized to me for the way they treated me in junior high/high school. I reject the entire idea that anyone ever bullied me. I don't harbour any ill will towards these people so I would like them to get what they want/need out of their apology.

It's been 20 years since I graduated high school, and who knows whats going on with people from my hometown. Are they doing 12-step programs? Do they have children who are in junior high and they're thinking about their own experiences? Regardless of the reason, I have now received multiple apologies from people for making fun of me or otherwise bullying me when we were younger. I've never been bullied.

I'm not saying I wasn't a weird kid and that people didn't talk shit. But, I was weird on purpose. I dressed to provoke a reaction. I was a punky, witchy, skanky (by early 2000s sensibilities) teenage girl in a town full of delicate gold crosses and wrangler jeans.

I'm sure they were mean and gossipy, but my whole thing was really intended to be received negatively by everyone in town. I wanted to look cool & feel outcast, I wanted to be angsty and have everyone mystified by my style and attitude. I wanted to feel trapped and misunderstood and listen to angry music in my bedroom. I was that kind of teenager. You're sort of *famous* being one of the wildest looking kids in a smallish town. But any bullying that was tried on me failed completely, as I have apparently unshakable self confidence and my family has a strong teasing culture, so I'm not sensitive to being made fun of, I've always felt in on the joke. I had lots of friends from lots of different cliques. I got invited to parties. I dated the boys I wanted to date. My teenage years were totally fine - not a peak, not a valley.

Anyways, I am at a complete and utter loss as to how to react to people who are apologizing to me. I don't think I have anyone owing me an apology, but I appreciate that apologizing can be more about the apologizer than the apologee - These are people who have apparently been feeling at least vaguely guilty about the way they treated me. And I guess I struggle with my responsibility on the other end to assuage them of this guilt. If I felt like I had been wronged at all, I would know what to do, but this feels like someone sending very sincere condolences for the death of an uncle I've never heard of and didn't know died. It feels like my confusion or flippant acceptance is sort of ruining the thing they're doing. I want them to have any guilt lifted from their psyches!

So, long explanation aside, what is the way you would accept an apology like this? I don't really mind if they think they hurt me and I forgive them, no skin off my butt - is it best to pretend that I was hurt?

My authentic reaction, which is that I don't know what they're talking about and also I don't care, makes me feel like *I'm* being the jerk now. Apparently they tried hard to be mean to me for years and I didn't even notice? Rude! I also don't want to discourage them from apologizing to people, as maybe they DO owe some people apologies and they'll get to them after they get me out of the way.

I'd love a little script of something to say!

posted by euphoria066 to Human Relations (26 answers total)

Hmm. I think I would just say thank you and perhaps adding that it's been a long time since then (as a half explanation for why you're not all that bothered) and leave it be.
posted by plonkee at 12:26 PM on May 23, 2022 [15 favorites]

I've not been on either end of something quite like this. But, I'm learning that being as explicit as possible about things almost always helps. Tell them what you've told us, maybe in a shorter format.

"This really wasn't a big deal for me, so you can set your mind at ease. But, I appreciate that you're thinking about it and reaching out. Best wishes," is an example of a short script that probably won't do any harm.
posted by eotvos at 12:29 PM on May 23, 2022 [76 favorites]

I appreciate your effort to be a better person. The fact that you are thinking about this and trying to bring more kindness and love into the world gives me a lot of hope, and I'm really impressed with you that you're going to the time and trouble to contact me to try to make my life a little better.

The truth is, I'm lucky that I had a particular way of being in the world that made me relatively unaffected by people [doing thing]. Someone with a different approach to life from me might have been hurt by [thing], and so it's great that you're reaching out.

I want you to know that I don't think you are a bad person [maybe: and what you did back then doesn't seem to me to be that bad]. In fact, a lot of people wouldn't even remember that they [did thing] -- but you do, and, whatever has led you to contact me now, you have enough sensitivity to realize that it could hurt someone, and you have enough gumption to try to make it better.

Thank you so much for being the kind of person who would care so much that you would try to make my life better. I hope you continue your journey with whatever strength you need.
posted by amtho at 12:32 PM on May 23, 2022 [11 favorites]

well, I'm compulsively truthful so I wouldn't pretend to have been hurt; that feels weird and wrong.

And I extremely do not think you have any duty here towards them beyond what you'd owe any stranger.

"I think it must not have been a big deal, as I don't remember what you're referring to. But I'm glad you're doing better now! You can stop worrying about this. Have a great rest of your week!"

(if they push "oh no I was super mean" blah blah, you can say, as many times as necessary, "sounds like you were going through something". but you don't have to listen to more unburdenings.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:33 PM on May 23, 2022 [12 favorites]

I might say something like "wow, time and memory are tricky things — [incident] doesn't even stand out in my mind" or "gosh, I don't remember anything quite so dire, I hope that helps alleviate some of the weight you've been carrying around." PS you sound very rad.
posted by Charity Garfein at 12:41 PM on May 23, 2022 [3 favorites]

Maybe something like: "Hey, thanks for reaching out, but we're all good! I honestly don't remember it that way, but yeah, I was definitely into trying to push peoples limits a bit back then and have a pretty thick skin. Super cool that you're reflecting on being kind -- but like I said, it's all good!"
posted by voiceofreason at 12:44 PM on May 23, 2022 [9 favorites]

I was a lot like you back in school. So much so that if anyone who knows me were reading your question, they would probably wonder if I were the asker. But there's one difference. Even though I was the way I was on purpose, I took a lot of shit from people, and I would greatly appreciate apologies from some of those people if they were ever to sincerely offer them.

So, here is what I would say, if that ever happened: "Thank you. I appreciate that." And that's it, no more is really needed.

I admire you for being so cool, by the way. I only pretended not to hear the things they said.
posted by tomboko at 12:47 PM on May 23, 2022 [19 favorites]

The above answers are all good. It would be hard for me not to say "Wow, thanks, I once thought of apologizing to you for making you feel so boring and conventional in high school, but I never got around to it." But you are a good person so I guess don't do that.
posted by barnowl at 12:47 PM on May 23, 2022 [5 favorites]

Echoing some of the other comments, I'd just accept and note that you are and were fine in a way that feels natural to you.

"Thank you for that, it's very thoughtful. To put your mind at ease, I never felt like you were mean to me."
posted by J. Wilson at 12:58 PM on May 23, 2022 [14 favorites]

I appreciate that apologizing can be more about the apologizer than the apologee

I suppose this is the way I'm thinking about it. It might not have bothered you, but the same behavior turned on someone else could have been very hurtful. It's good if they're genuinely reflecting on past behavior and trying to improve.

(I'm a bit skeptical about motivations behind these kinds of apologies, but in this case it doesn't cost you anything to assume they're genuine.)

I briefly attended a terrible high school where terrible kids tried to bully me because I was different - mostly because I was queer. It didn't affect me too badly because I didn't want/need their approval or acceptance. I was only at that school briefly and I was convinced they were all dumbasses. Of course, that didn't make their behavior okay.

If any of them reached out to me now, I wouldn't pretend that I was hurt, but I also wouldn't excuse the behavior. It was shitty, and the fact that I was fine was really just luck. I could have been someone a lot more vulnerable. I would probably say it means something that they're reflecting on it now - because it would. It doesn't have to soothe some personal psychic wound for it to mean something when someone who was a homophobic bully to regret their actions and, hopefully, not encourage/excuse similar behavior in their own kids. Or keep doing it in their adult lives.

(shrug)

I don't have exact words for you, but I don't think the choice is between pretending to be hurt and brushing off the apology.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 1:16 PM on May 23, 2022 [10 favorites]

I had a friend do this many, many years after the supposed harm as part of her recovery process. I honestly didn't think she'd hurt me in any way and didn't really remember the "evil" deed she was apologizing for, but I told her she was forgiven for any harm she did to me and gave her the blessing to move on with her life. It was no skin off my nose to give her that comfort and I really did appreciate that she was trying to be a better person and grow from her mistakes.
posted by teleri025 at 1:24 PM on May 23, 2022 [1 favorite]

Can you just accept the apology as being an apology for their shitty behavior (which was probably objectively shitty) and leave whether you were actually hurt by it out of it? Like, if someone fired a gun at you but they missed or you were cleverly hiding behind bulletproof glass, what they did was wrong, even if they didn't hurt you.

Alternately, you could also kind of lean into your own role - "Thanks for apologizing. Honestly to some extent I was deliberately trying to bait people like you into being assholes! High school dynamics are so weird!"
posted by mskyle at 1:32 PM on May 23, 2022 [21 favorites]

it is completely fine if their sense of consequence is deflated when you respond to their grand apology with "sorry, I think I recognize your name but don't remember any of the incident(s) you're referring to, thanks anyway and best of luck" or whatever. it is so fine and good that the only risk you run is the risk of making them think you're putting on a show of not caring and secretly do care. so don't overplay it, but totally tell the truth.

if they feel bad, it will not be because you have been rude (this isn't rude!) but because they will have been reminded that they are more important to themselves than to anybody else. which we all are, anyway.
posted by queenofbithynia at 1:54 PM on May 23, 2022 [7 favorites]

WARNING: this may only work with someone that you already have some kind of existing relationship with.

I used to similarly apologize for scolding actors when they mis-stepped backstage; never anything major, just I'd say something firm about if they were late to the theater. And the "apology" was more about my feeling uneasy about being a disciplinarian. I was 100% in the right for saying something in all cases and the actors usually told me so.

But one actress said something that seemed especially clever: "I'm actually not going to accept your apology - because you never needed to give me one in the first place!"

Yeah, that may only work with someone who knows you a little better than a casual acquaintance, but that may be an option?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:03 PM on May 23, 2022 [1 favorite]

I have had surprise twelve-step apologies pop up on me, for situations where I did not feel wronged in the slightest (and actually in one case I felt the other party deserved an apology from me!)

Sincere apologies are a moment of vulnerability so I want to be kind about it. I thanked them for the apology, told them they were forgiven for whatever they were anxious about, and told them straight out that there was a lot from those times that I would like to be able to replay too.
posted by Sauce Trough at 2:39 PM on May 23, 2022 [10 favorites]

You may have been totally fine with their behavior, but other kids are not so resilient/thick-skinned so if you can encourage people to be kinder and more thoughtful and to raise kinder and more thoughtful kids, than I think you should take the opportunity for some positive reinforcement.

"Thank you for reaching out to me. I want you know that you did not cause me any harm during high-school and you do not need to feel any guilt on my account. However, I also want you to know how much I appreciate this message. The world, especially during high-school, could all use more kindness and anything we can do to help reinforce that is great. All the best to you and your family."
posted by brookeb at 2:50 PM on May 23, 2022 [27 favorites]

> It might not have bothered you, but the same behavior turned on someone else could have been very hurtful

also I really want to echo this. I suspect your Resist Bullies saving throw is in the 99th percentile of western humanity. I'm three times older than your teenage self but I bet your teenage self was three times better at handling bullies than I am today, after literal decades of dealing with fucking assholes playing dominance games on me.

Imagine the positive change of a jerk realizing they're a jerk, taking steps to not be a jerk, then seeing their kids being jerky and correcting them.

so yeah I would take the apology seriously, it's someone saying "fuck bullying" and regardless of the individual circumstances, that's a worthwhile thing to positively reinforce.
posted by Sauce Trough at 2:50 PM on May 23, 2022 [4 favorites]

I mean, the behavior they’re apologizing for was genuinely shitty, even if it didn’t land as intended. It’s good they grew up and realized it’s shitty to make fun of people for being different.

I’d either not respond at all, or just say something quick like “I appreciate that, no worries.” I would avoid trying to make some bigger point about myself—I think that would make you seem more affected, not less.
posted by kapers at 2:54 PM on May 23, 2022 [8 favorites]

You don't need a script. They've come to you ready to say their thing. Just let them. Let them tell their story about how they feel they wronged you. And what current circumstances prompted them to address this now. Once they've unloaded, say "I'm so glad we did this".

Still real and hopefully you gave them what they needed
posted by Hash at 3:19 PM on May 23, 2022 [1 favorite]

Just spitballing, but since your question sounds like it's possible these people are looking for some kind of interaction with you: is there a nonprofit you could direct them to that does some anti-bullying programming, in combination with some of the suggestions above? As in: "that incident doesn't stick out in my memory, but if you're still feeling badly about it, you could consider making a donation to [The Trevor Project?]"
posted by deludingmyself at 5:02 PM on May 23, 2022 [2 favorites]

As others have already suggested, I also would suggest keeping your answer very short, just a plain "thank you, that's appreciated", no need to go into your feelings about the apology or the reasons why you think it's not needed. Keep those to yourself.

For one thing, explaining why you don't need the apology would make you sound like you need to justify yourself to these people or like you're still preoccupied how you come across to them, and if you really don't care about that then leave that part out.

Secondly, as others already observed, these people's behavior was shitty even if it didn't bother you at the time, and they might have behaved like that to others with less of a thick skin than you, so it's a good thing for you to accept their apology, confirming to them that yes they are right about feeling guilty for the behavior itself, in a wider social sense, regardless of the fact it didn't really hurt you. It might have hurt others and it's wrong in principle.
posted by bitteschoen at 12:29 AM on May 24, 2022 [2 favorites]

"Thanks for that. No harm done."
posted by flabdablet at 1:06 AM on May 24, 2022 [2 favorites]

"Thanks for that. Yeah, kids can be mean before we learn to do better. No hard feelings."
posted by flabdablet at 1:07 AM on May 24, 2022 [2 favorites]

They absolutely *should be* apologising, because whether or not it actually landed, they were *trying* to bully you - they just didn't succeed!

It's very likely that something has happened in their small town which has brought bullying into higher profile, and made them reflect on their past behaviour.

The people who have contacted you, by and large, are probably the more introspective and compassionate ones, who went along with the prevailing attitudes, so probably weren't that noticeably mean that you really remember those incidents.
That they were trying to bully you, for the reasons you've given - that you looked weird? Acted like you might have a different religion or sexual mores?
Yeah?
*Well so what?*
Why on earth would other people be bothered by that - It doesn't affect them!
That it took *so little* to have others aggravated about you, even if it was, for you, intentional, in a small town, is, c'mon, utterly ridiculous right?

So they've realised as adults that that's ridiculous. Good!

What I'm wondering is if you're feeling like you don't deserve apologies like people who were being bullied for things they didn't consciously choose.
And yeah, you were probably in a more comfortable place because you were apparently choosing just how unusual you wanted to be, rather than just being out of people's comfort zone for interests you didn't think would be a big deal to anyone else.

So yeah, I moved from a big city to a small town in the 90s. I really wasn't that weird, and definitely not by city standards, but *boy* was I weird there. Everyone knew my name, somehow, because I... Wore a non-trendy duffle coat my uncle gave me? 😂
And everyone thought I was a lesbian because I didn't think that was a bad thing to be? Etc etc.

Thing is, and it sounds like this might have been true for you but you didn't think of it that way - I decided that I could probably take the bullying better than other people could. That in a way, if I could' tank' (eg attract the damage in a combat game) some of that social pressure, then it might make life easier for other people.
That there were surely closeted lesbians at my high school, and that maybe it would be easier for me to be the ally who spoke up when people said homophobic shit etc. When I was bullied about my body hair, I again, hadn't been meaning to make any deal about it, but instantly decided that like *fuck* was I going to shave to appease people who were being mean and cruel (eg ape, disgusting, etc).

So, y'know, maybe you were doing for.. attention, like you've suggested. But is there a chance that you were also diffusing/tanking some of the social pressure to *look exactly the same* or *act in very rigid ways* in the town you were in? And if so, that's not a bad thing, it's a pretty nice thing.
posted by Elysum at 5:56 AM on May 24, 2022 [1 favorite]

I just had a similar interaction but for a much more recent imagined infraction and thus a much more active friendship, so it was less awkward/I was able to ask what they wanted from the conversation. My initial response was "I don't remember that, but I appreciate the apology," which I think is sufficient on its own! But because they weren't some random person from my past we had the kind of relationship where they could go on to say "well, it was a thing to me, and I've been feeling badly, so I wanted to say I was sorry." Basically, to a not-insignificant degree this apology is for them, not for you, so how hard you hit on the "I don't remember that" end of things vs. the "I appreciate the apology" end may depend on how much catharsis you want to give them and how much you appreciate being drafted into a supporting role in their personal redemption arc.

I wound up saying "you're definitely forgiven if you need to be!" but honestly with these near-strangers I would certainly not say "I forgive you." What they are grappling with here is their own past and behaviors, and they should, regardless of whether it hurt you; personally I would be disinclined to give them a shortcut to feeling resolved.
posted by babelfish at 6:11 AM on May 24, 2022 [2 favorites]

I was an apologizer:

A kid a few years younger than me was pretty relentlessly bullied on the school bus by kids my age (he had what people thought were gay mannerisms), in a very small, rural town. I didn't really like this kid, but I don't think I really disliked him either. I like to think I didn't participate, or didn't participate much, but that was decades ago and I'm not certain; and I'm sure I didn't object or speak up to protect him or deflect the abuse, either.

Anyway, I never really thought being gay was wrong, unlike most people I was surrounded with there and then, and when this kid crosses my mind, I feel bad/like I should have done something, especially now that I live elsewhere and consider myself an ally. So I messaged him on Facebook and said basically that - I'm not sure if I participated, but if I did I'm sorry for my part in it, and sorry I didn't object. His reply was gracious, and not really about me: he said, as I recall, that it wasn't that bad but that he also felt it made him more empathetic, especially as he grew up as a gay man to become a teacher.

What I got from his response: I kind of thought his life might have been a living hell, and was relieved to learn that it wasn't, or didn't seem to have been. And that he didn't harbor resentment in general, or for me specifically. That was a relief.

I'm even more glad to know that, as he died unexpectedly within a couple of years of our conversation.

This isn't really advice for you, but most responses have been from those bullied, not from those who reached out to apologize, so that's anecdata from my side of it. I wanted to feel less lousy about what that kid went through, and his telling me it wasn't that bad, or that he came to think of it as not that bad, really fit the bill.
posted by Occula at 11:05 AM on May 24, 2022 [2 favorites]