Relationship to music
July 4, 2023 1:22 PM Subscribe
This is kind of a random question but I was pondering how "normal" my relationship to listening to music is and just wanted to know if my experience chimes with anyone else's.
This was triggered by having a conversation with someone at work who is deeply into music and goes to festivals and concerts all the time and it bothered me because I've always felt like there's something I'm really not getting about music.
I wasn't allowed to listen to music growing up for religious reasons. Me and my sister's used to secretly listen to the radio in our room and dance silently, until one day our dad walked in and decided to throw it in the bin for...reasons.
When I was 18 I secretly got hold of a mini iPod thing (can't even remember what they're called) and I did love listening to sentimental and depressing songs. I used to love Bruce Springsteen, which I now find embarrassing. Just seems deeply uncool that an 18 year old brown girl in the early 2000s would like him and not the cool R&B and hip hop that everyone else listened to.
I remember liking Eva Cassidy and developed a love of Bob Dylan too. I've since been teased by multiple people for having taste in music like an "old white man".
The thing is, I never ever understood grown adults worshipping singers/bands and still don't. I'm not judging, I just don't understand. Like I loved Springsteen's songs at the time but I didn't exactly care to know much about him as a person, the songs were enough. For example, the Beyonce obsession annoys me deeply (don't attack me just saying) , mainly because of the frustration of not being able to comprehend that level of adoration.
Music just doesn't seem to get to me in that way and I feel confused about that.
After that teenage angst period I didn't and still kinda don't see the point in listening to music unless I can dance to it. I still can't just listen to music sitting still, it feels weird and wrong. I have to be moving to it in some way or even walking whilst listening.
I don't like listening to music alone as well anymore. It doesn't have as much meaning for me alone as it does listening with someone else or a group of people, it feels like it should be a shared experience. It does seem a shame I can't enjoy it properly on my own.
This is linked to being able to deeply enjoy and be moved by, the use of music in films. This is a context where it makes sense to me.
For the longest time also, I have felt that just can't be bothered with music and also perhaps that it makes me feel too much and I don't enjoy that. I will listen to a song I love over and over for a day and then get sick of it.
There just seems to be something quite manipulative and unfulfilling about it all. I know that sounds weird and quite strong but it's just how I feel.
In particular, I don't like listening to songs on my own that remind me of who I used to be or how I used to feel. So, hardly any Springsteen and even songs I'd only listened to 2 months ago,I just find them annoying and delete them from my playlist. I wonder if this is linked to my dislike of having any photos on display. Something about not wanting to think or feel anything about the
past.
Anyway, this was a bit of a ramble and I'm sure I'm gonna get some strong responses. Maybe it's my early upbringing of being taught to devalue and fear music that is coming out but I kinda feel...weirdly angry, when I think about it and I actually frankly do not like it that much as an art form in and of itself.
Can anyone relate or does anyone just feel like fighting me after reading this?
I wasn't allowed to listen to music growing up for religious reasons. Me and my sister's used to secretly listen to the radio in our room and dance silently, until one day our dad walked in and decided to throw it in the bin for...reasons.
When I was 18 I secretly got hold of a mini iPod thing (can't even remember what they're called) and I did love listening to sentimental and depressing songs. I used to love Bruce Springsteen, which I now find embarrassing. Just seems deeply uncool that an 18 year old brown girl in the early 2000s would like him and not the cool R&B and hip hop that everyone else listened to.
I remember liking Eva Cassidy and developed a love of Bob Dylan too. I've since been teased by multiple people for having taste in music like an "old white man".
The thing is, I never ever understood grown adults worshipping singers/bands and still don't. I'm not judging, I just don't understand. Like I loved Springsteen's songs at the time but I didn't exactly care to know much about him as a person, the songs were enough. For example, the Beyonce obsession annoys me deeply (don't attack me just saying) , mainly because of the frustration of not being able to comprehend that level of adoration.
Music just doesn't seem to get to me in that way and I feel confused about that.
After that teenage angst period I didn't and still kinda don't see the point in listening to music unless I can dance to it. I still can't just listen to music sitting still, it feels weird and wrong. I have to be moving to it in some way or even walking whilst listening.
I don't like listening to music alone as well anymore. It doesn't have as much meaning for me alone as it does listening with someone else or a group of people, it feels like it should be a shared experience. It does seem a shame I can't enjoy it properly on my own.
This is linked to being able to deeply enjoy and be moved by, the use of music in films. This is a context where it makes sense to me.
For the longest time also, I have felt that just can't be bothered with music and also perhaps that it makes me feel too much and I don't enjoy that. I will listen to a song I love over and over for a day and then get sick of it.
There just seems to be something quite manipulative and unfulfilling about it all. I know that sounds weird and quite strong but it's just how I feel.
In particular, I don't like listening to songs on my own that remind me of who I used to be or how I used to feel. So, hardly any Springsteen and even songs I'd only listened to 2 months ago,I just find them annoying and delete them from my playlist. I wonder if this is linked to my dislike of having any photos on display. Something about not wanting to think or feel anything about the
past.
Anyway, this was a bit of a ramble and I'm sure I'm gonna get some strong responses. Maybe it's my early upbringing of being taught to devalue and fear music that is coming out but I kinda feel...weirdly angry, when I think about it and I actually frankly do not like it that much as an art form in and of itself.
Can anyone relate or does anyone just feel like fighting me after reading this?
In my opinion, the fact that you worry about how music affects you might be related to your upbringing (that music was considered taboo). However, the way music itself is affecting you is absolutely normal; everything you listed here is normal, normal, normal, and shows that music is doing what it is supposed to do - you are experiencing the beauty of music. There is no right or wrong way to experience music. Music is a very personal, heartfelt thing that each person experiences in their own way.
(Stated by a 60+ white woman who adores 70's soul.)
posted by SageTrail at 1:37 PM on July 4, 2023 [12 favorites]
(Stated by a 60+ white woman who adores 70's soul.)
posted by SageTrail at 1:37 PM on July 4, 2023 [12 favorites]
I love music and listen to it pretty much whenever I can. I'll also try to go to concerts if possible but that's a bit tougher now to juggle with family commitments but when I was younger I did book a day off work to go to a music festival. My spouse likes music but not as much as I do. If we go to a concert, even if they really enjoy it they'll still be complaining afterwards about how they'll be tired at work the next day. My parents almost never listened to music. I don't think any of us is normal or abnormal and that some people for whatever reason have a stronger relationship to music than others.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 1:41 PM on July 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 1:41 PM on July 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
People have all kinds of relationships to music and it’s all ok and all normal. Lots of people like music that’s not marketed to them or where the singer isn’t like them.
If you think about it, a teenaged South Asian girl liking Bob Dylan is actually no stranger than a white gay man liking Beyoncé. In both cases it’s a person who’s not the same as them but whose music might make them feel a vibe they enjoy. The only difference is marketing.
Listen to what you like; or don’t; always or sometimes or never. It’s all fine.
You ask a lot of questions about whether what’s happening to you is normal - it really doesn’t matter what’s normal, it just matters that you get in tune with what actually feels good to you, and pursue that!
PS, your iPod thing was probably called a nano.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 1:44 PM on July 4, 2023 [9 favorites]
If you think about it, a teenaged South Asian girl liking Bob Dylan is actually no stranger than a white gay man liking Beyoncé. In both cases it’s a person who’s not the same as them but whose music might make them feel a vibe they enjoy. The only difference is marketing.
Listen to what you like; or don’t; always or sometimes or never. It’s all fine.
You ask a lot of questions about whether what’s happening to you is normal - it really doesn’t matter what’s normal, it just matters that you get in tune with what actually feels good to you, and pursue that!
PS, your iPod thing was probably called a nano.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 1:44 PM on July 4, 2023 [9 favorites]
Back in the early 2000's I worked on mp3 player software for a couple jobs. I don't directly have any idea how music affects people using this software, but one thing I do know is that there are so many different ways people want to organize it and want to listen to it. Like album by album, or playlist, or shuffle, or albums shuffle, or curated shuffle, or algorithm shuffle. Different people feel different about keeping their place, and about having EQ and effects and all this crap. And I have to assume that to a certain extent those go with different ways of relating to the music. Anyway the real point is there's not a single baseline "normal" music listener that you might or might not deviate from. There's a huge swath of different ways people think about and listen to music, and maybe you're more or less similar to more or fewer people, but it's so varied and multidimensional that it's pretty hard to say anyone's normal or not.
posted by aubilenon at 1:58 PM on July 4, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by aubilenon at 1:58 PM on July 4, 2023 [4 favorites]
I'm with you on that fan/obsession shit, never understood it, never felt attracted to it. And the idea that I'm supposed to like certain kinds of music because of my demographic just pisses me off. I like all kinds of music, generally don't go to concerts, don't like crowd scenes. I'm with you on liking music that makes me want to dance, but I also like music that doesn't. I've never played an instrument, never had any kind of music lessons, went to schools when I was a kid that didn't have any music. I've never had a great desire to play an instrument but I wonder if you might enjoy it.
Just continue being you, being open to different types of music. Whatever resonates for you!
posted by mareli at 2:03 PM on July 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
Just continue being you, being open to different types of music. Whatever resonates for you!
posted by mareli at 2:03 PM on July 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
Like what you like.
posted by Flunkie at 2:23 PM on July 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by Flunkie at 2:23 PM on July 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
However you relate to music is fine and normal (in the sense that there are surely others who relate to it in the same way you do). Maybe it's to do with your upbringing or just a natural preference, who's to say. If it really bothers you, you can try to learn more about music, listen to different genres, etc and see if your reactions change. Or not! Just do what makes you happy! Some people might give you grief that you don't react to music in the same way they do or because your taste in music is "uncool" but that's because some people are sad, insecure a-holes who can't tolerate people who are different from themselves.
As for fandom, I'll say that although I always loved music I never really got it either, until I found one band that I completely fell in love with top-to-bottom, boom, like magic, and now I'm one of those super-fans. Not gonna lie, it is a little bit weird, but also lovely in an ineffable way. It makes me very happy! What else are we alive for, if not to find the things and people we love and celebrate them, right?
(Also, please don't give yourself grief about your own taste in music. You don't deserve to be treated like that, even by yourself.)
posted by radiogreentea at 2:32 PM on July 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
As for fandom, I'll say that although I always loved music I never really got it either, until I found one band that I completely fell in love with top-to-bottom, boom, like magic, and now I'm one of those super-fans. Not gonna lie, it is a little bit weird, but also lovely in an ineffable way. It makes me very happy! What else are we alive for, if not to find the things and people we love and celebrate them, right?
(Also, please don't give yourself grief about your own taste in music. You don't deserve to be treated like that, even by yourself.)
posted by radiogreentea at 2:32 PM on July 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
There's no one right way to engage with music. Approach it as works for you. Like any art, it's very individual how it strikes you and how you want to react. And that's okay! One of the most interesting things about being human, I think.
I love seeing live music. I have a sensory overwhelm mode that can reliably be triggered by being in a crowd of excited people all watching the same very loud spectacle (loud concert, fireworks show, anything at Disneyland, etc). It basically reboots my brain, in a very pleasurable way. But I can absolutely imagine that someone else might not react to live music that way - and in fact I'm pretty sure most people don't, because I go to concerts and most people are not acting as weird and intense about the experience as I am. But the point is that music hits so many people so differently, and what works for me and keeps me buying tickets actually doesn't probably even match what's working for the person next to me in the mosh pit, let alone the person sitting at home listening to Bach.
posted by potrzebie at 2:46 PM on July 4, 2023
I love seeing live music. I have a sensory overwhelm mode that can reliably be triggered by being in a crowd of excited people all watching the same very loud spectacle (loud concert, fireworks show, anything at Disneyland, etc). It basically reboots my brain, in a very pleasurable way. But I can absolutely imagine that someone else might not react to live music that way - and in fact I'm pretty sure most people don't, because I go to concerts and most people are not acting as weird and intense about the experience as I am. But the point is that music hits so many people so differently, and what works for me and keeps me buying tickets actually doesn't probably even match what's working for the person next to me in the mosh pit, let alone the person sitting at home listening to Bach.
posted by potrzebie at 2:46 PM on July 4, 2023
And the idea that I'm supposed to like certain kinds of music because of my demographic just pisses me off.
Me too. If you like the sounds, explore them more; if you don't like them, move on. The aspect of what you should like is irrelevant, screw that.
posted by Rash at 2:52 PM on July 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
Me too. If you like the sounds, explore them more; if you don't like them, move on. The aspect of what you should like is irrelevant, screw that.
posted by Rash at 2:52 PM on July 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
Everything you've written just sounds totally okay. Many people get into some kind of music and listen to it a lot and then move on to other stuff. Other people have different opinions about what anyone should be listening to, or how they should listen to it, or how much they should know or care about the artists / instrumentation / labels / recording sessions / live performances / history etc. Some people feel very strongly about wanting to absorb only very specific and particular things, other people are happy to have the radio on in the background and to half-hear familiar-sounding things without paying too much attention. Some people don't care about music at all, it does nothing for them. Some people know what they like, and might dig around similar ballparks and see what related things sound like. Some people are like magpies, picking up only things they've never heard before: the as-yet-unheard is the sweetest potential sound, limitless with possibilities. Others are wilfully eclectic and select only that which is most different from anything else that anyone else is talking about. And so on.
Does it bother you that other people don't know how to interpret you, your tastes, or your approach to listening to music? Do you enjoy the things you (choose to) listen to?
Sometimes I listen to things that I used to be in to nearly 30 years ago, and I realise that I still understand why the songs grabbed me, but also that the songs don't sound like something I need to spend any more time with right now. What I'm looking for has changed, and that makes sense because I'm not the same person. When I was 14 I thought I would like some of this stuff FOREVER, and in a sense I was right: the part of me that's eternally 14 still loves it, but the rest of me can hold it differently, can put it back on the shelf with affection and no regrets, but doesn't feel the need to play it again (and again). In a sense, it's enough for me to know that it's still there, and doesn't go away.
posted by Joeruckus at 3:15 PM on July 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
Does it bother you that other people don't know how to interpret you, your tastes, or your approach to listening to music? Do you enjoy the things you (choose to) listen to?
Sometimes I listen to things that I used to be in to nearly 30 years ago, and I realise that I still understand why the songs grabbed me, but also that the songs don't sound like something I need to spend any more time with right now. What I'm looking for has changed, and that makes sense because I'm not the same person. When I was 14 I thought I would like some of this stuff FOREVER, and in a sense I was right: the part of me that's eternally 14 still loves it, but the rest of me can hold it differently, can put it back on the shelf with affection and no regrets, but doesn't feel the need to play it again (and again). In a sense, it's enough for me to know that it's still there, and doesn't go away.
posted by Joeruckus at 3:15 PM on July 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
And the idea that I'm supposed to like certain kinds of music because of my demographic just pisses me off.
I am a member of Generation X, and therefore I'm supposed to have thought the sun shone out of Kurt Cobain's ass. However, I think there's only three Nirvana songs I ever even heard, and the one I like best was a cover of a Leadbelly song anyway. In the 90s I was listening more to Irish folkie stuff as well.
There's no "supposed to" when it comes to music. Like the music you like, and like it in whatever way you want to like it.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:27 PM on July 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
I am a member of Generation X, and therefore I'm supposed to have thought the sun shone out of Kurt Cobain's ass. However, I think there's only three Nirvana songs I ever even heard, and the one I like best was a cover of a Leadbelly song anyway. In the 90s I was listening more to Irish folkie stuff as well.
There's no "supposed to" when it comes to music. Like the music you like, and like it in whatever way you want to like it.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:27 PM on July 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
I'm not sure why you expect this to get particularly strong responses - have you been judged a lot in the past for how you do/don't relate to music? Lord knows there are people out there who will do that vocally and shittily. Those people: usually jerks. Not worth your time to worry about.
Like whatever music you like in whatever way you like, and if that means mostly only in communal settings, or only certain kinds of music, or with zero interest in the people who make it, that's fine. Nothing you've said here sounds unusual or worthy of giving you any kind of pushback about.
If that angry feeling, or the part of this that ties in to difficult parts of your past, makes you unhappy or is something you wish you could process differently, by all means talk to your therapist about it. But it's also fine to just...be a person who isn't very into music, except maybe in very specific and limited circumstances.
posted by Stacey at 3:28 PM on July 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
Like whatever music you like in whatever way you like, and if that means mostly only in communal settings, or only certain kinds of music, or with zero interest in the people who make it, that's fine. Nothing you've said here sounds unusual or worthy of giving you any kind of pushback about.
If that angry feeling, or the part of this that ties in to difficult parts of your past, makes you unhappy or is something you wish you could process differently, by all means talk to your therapist about it. But it's also fine to just...be a person who isn't very into music, except maybe in very specific and limited circumstances.
posted by Stacey at 3:28 PM on July 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
A lot of people in the US, and I presume other places (this was certainly true in the 80s in the UK when I was in school there) use music as a shorthand for other forms of identity. A lot of this language in a generational cohort develops during secondary school, so it's stuff you might not have been exposed to fully because your family didn't listen to music at home and forbade you to partake in that part of teen culture. Not using musical taste as an identity signifier also pairs with your alienation from fandoms around musicians.
I have a friend who wasn't allowed to watch tv as a kid and in a very similar way doesn't grok a lot of Gen X culture around tv (e.g., doesn't get Schoolhouse Rock) and seems to find it generally kind of annoying when our cohort uses it as identity signifier. It's a little outside the norm but nobody's actually mad at her about it.
Also I love music, am (when able) a big concert-goer, definitely partake in fannish culture around some bands, e.g., love to read about what musicians were thinking about when writing songs and lyrics I enjoy, teasing apart meanings, etc. and I totally have that "listen to a song on automatic repeat then get DONE" thing. Don't do it so much now because Mr E listens with me and automatic repeat for hours on end isn't cool for him, but you are not alone in that trait and music lovers do it too. I do go back to songs later but I'm also a history buff and OK with my past.
As Mr. Spock says, "infinite diversity in infinite combinations" and that's how I feel about your way of enjoying (when you do) music.
posted by gentlyepigrams at 5:01 PM on July 4, 2023 [4 favorites]
I have a friend who wasn't allowed to watch tv as a kid and in a very similar way doesn't grok a lot of Gen X culture around tv (e.g., doesn't get Schoolhouse Rock) and seems to find it generally kind of annoying when our cohort uses it as identity signifier. It's a little outside the norm but nobody's actually mad at her about it.
Also I love music, am (when able) a big concert-goer, definitely partake in fannish culture around some bands, e.g., love to read about what musicians were thinking about when writing songs and lyrics I enjoy, teasing apart meanings, etc. and I totally have that "listen to a song on automatic repeat then get DONE" thing. Don't do it so much now because Mr E listens with me and automatic repeat for hours on end isn't cool for him, but you are not alone in that trait and music lovers do it too. I do go back to songs later but I'm also a history buff and OK with my past.
As Mr. Spock says, "infinite diversity in infinite combinations" and that's how I feel about your way of enjoying (when you do) music.
posted by gentlyepigrams at 5:01 PM on July 4, 2023 [4 favorites]
I love the popular music of my generation, in part because it's what was on the radio all the time, so it's familiar, and sentimental because it accompanied so much of that time. I'm so, so sorry you were deprived of music. I think it's absolutely fine to like the artists you mentioned. You weren't exposed to the same music others in your demographic were, so it's not ingrained in you. I've ended up enjoying a particular niche of music, and am not at all in touch with what's popular, except for not much enjoying autotune or super-produced music. I really enjoy danceable music, though I do also listen to non-danceable music.
Music is a habit, and you can lose the habit. To get it back, find some good music blogs and listen. If you want to feel more connected to your demographic, listen to Internet radio stations that play that music; it would be a means of cultural literacy. But it's not required.
posted by theora55 at 5:04 PM on July 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
Music is a habit, and you can lose the habit. To get it back, find some good music blogs and listen. If you want to feel more connected to your demographic, listen to Internet radio stations that play that music; it would be a means of cultural literacy. But it's not required.
posted by theora55 at 5:04 PM on July 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
I’m a musician and a music lover to state it mildly, but I certainly see fandoms, star-worship, and obsession with an artist’s public image or private life instead of their art to be juvenile and kind of the opposite of caring about music.
Don’t compare yourself to others here—I have less than zero connection to sports and sports figures, for example, but I don’t think that makes me a freak as long as I let others enjoy what they enjoy.
posted by kapers at 5:10 PM on July 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
Don’t compare yourself to others here—I have less than zero connection to sports and sports figures, for example, but I don’t think that makes me a freak as long as I let others enjoy what they enjoy.
posted by kapers at 5:10 PM on July 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
CDs cost next to nothing, or nothing. As you go through life and see a CD or a stack of them grab them and give them a twirl. Might be that I'll only listen to four or six songs, might then toss the cd. But I have found so much music that I love. It's just one of many ways I come across new (to me) music but it's fun and free or damn near free anyways.
Alternately, so few people listen to the music that they put onto mp3 files, they are now using some online service. Ask any of them for a copy of their files -- I'll be glad to send you 40 gig of music that is all over the map, from b4 I was born through last month or whatever. It's all a surprise, can be lots of fun.
Or. Find one of the four hundred billion zillion radio shows that stream online, download a few shows.
Late 70s I was living in Houston, every night 11 PM they'd start a record spinning and play it straight through, no commercials. I'd start a cassette and then hit the rack. Some of those tapes I didn't listen to for a year or more, I'd be like "Hm, wonder what this band is about." I can't tell you how many musicians I learned through that, and it was all a surprise. I remember being on a road trip, somewhere in Oklahoma when I heard for the first time Steely Dan "Can't Buy A Thrill" and I loved loved loved it and I still do
There is no wrong way to find music you'll really love. It's all an adventure and costs about nothing. Sorry you got music shut off to you when you were younger but that was then, this is Now.
You might find it fun to start listening to the Beatles from their first records and travel through a decade of these talented stars. Or any other band or artist.
Personally, I'd recommend that you go check out philip-random, who has this insanely cool blog and who has forgotten more than I will ever know about music and artists and everything related.
There are oh so many music lovers on this site, read something one of them says or check out a song or show they recommend and you've just found more.
It's a big adventure, it'll go with you the rest of your life, it's free or damn close to it.
Have fun!
posted by dancestoblue at 9:35 PM on July 4, 2023
Alternately, so few people listen to the music that they put onto mp3 files, they are now using some online service. Ask any of them for a copy of their files -- I'll be glad to send you 40 gig of music that is all over the map, from b4 I was born through last month or whatever. It's all a surprise, can be lots of fun.
Or. Find one of the four hundred billion zillion radio shows that stream online, download a few shows.
Late 70s I was living in Houston, every night 11 PM they'd start a record spinning and play it straight through, no commercials. I'd start a cassette and then hit the rack. Some of those tapes I didn't listen to for a year or more, I'd be like "Hm, wonder what this band is about." I can't tell you how many musicians I learned through that, and it was all a surprise. I remember being on a road trip, somewhere in Oklahoma when I heard for the first time Steely Dan "Can't Buy A Thrill" and I loved loved loved it and I still do
There is no wrong way to find music you'll really love. It's all an adventure and costs about nothing. Sorry you got music shut off to you when you were younger but that was then, this is Now.
You might find it fun to start listening to the Beatles from their first records and travel through a decade of these talented stars. Or any other band or artist.
Personally, I'd recommend that you go check out philip-random, who has this insanely cool blog and who has forgotten more than I will ever know about music and artists and everything related.
There are oh so many music lovers on this site, read something one of them says or check out a song or show they recommend and you've just found more.
It's a big adventure, it'll go with you the rest of your life, it's free or damn close to it.
Have fun!
posted by dancestoblue at 9:35 PM on July 4, 2023
I'm a huge music person, to the point where I used to be a regular music reviewer and still regularly talk in a couple of groupchats about it. I used to write very dense and thoughtful essays about K-pop as well, around the time when it started getting popular and more globalized (which was so fascinating to witness and is very different from what K-Pop is now). I also have always participated in fandom culture, although not so much recently as I've gotten older. Yet, I still think it's valuable for one to learn how to be immersed and to care deeply about what they love, and to be very thoughtful about it. (It's also rather misogynistic to dismiss people's desire to participate in fandom, to be honest.)
I am too busy listening to music and talking about it to be judgmental of how others experience it, seems fine to me! My mother loves music too but the only thing she listens to on a daily basis is the same 16-hour Spotify piano playlist, which personally would drive me crazy, but doesn't hurt me. People enjoy it in all different ways.
posted by yueliang at 10:31 PM on July 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
I am too busy listening to music and talking about it to be judgmental of how others experience it, seems fine to me! My mother loves music too but the only thing she listens to on a daily basis is the same 16-hour Spotify piano playlist, which personally would drive me crazy, but doesn't hurt me. People enjoy it in all different ways.
posted by yueliang at 10:31 PM on July 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
You’re relating directly to songs as songs, nothing wrong with that. There’s probably a whole cultural studies course out there on the packaging and consumption of music through the medium of identity, but it is definitely a cultural phenomenon that’s unique to the past century and hinges on mass media. But none of that is needed to respond to music, at all. However you engage with it is how you do, it’s fine and legitimate.
As far as listening to the same song on repeat til you get sick of it, I do that as well. Studies have linked it with anxiety (and often OCD). (I no longer experience those the way I did when I was younger, but probably still retain some habits of thinking or experiencing that aren’t a million miles away, like that.) Do you get earworms? Super frustrating and super common (everyone gets that!) but maybe a little extra for some people: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4723199/
My way out of earworms is to replace it with another song, then replace the second song with a third.
Needing to move because sitting and listening seems wrong, or not being able to listen when you’re alone - this I don’t really get, can you elaborate? Listening along with others is amazing, I agree.
Shame around liking Springsteen/the “wrong” music for who you think people categorize you as; disliking songs you connect with that same - this I think, as I think you might feel, could be around self-acceptance, and figuring out how to resolve differences between how you feel and others’ expectations. Can be complicated for sure but I recommend trying to either disregard others’ judgments (by faking it if you have to, or looking critically at where their expectations are coming from), or using humour to defuse criticisms if they come up in actual interactions with people (vs playing things out in your mind or ruminating if that is happening).
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:28 PM on July 4, 2023
As far as listening to the same song on repeat til you get sick of it, I do that as well. Studies have linked it with anxiety (and often OCD). (I no longer experience those the way I did when I was younger, but probably still retain some habits of thinking or experiencing that aren’t a million miles away, like that.) Do you get earworms? Super frustrating and super common (everyone gets that!) but maybe a little extra for some people: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4723199/
My way out of earworms is to replace it with another song, then replace the second song with a third.
Needing to move because sitting and listening seems wrong, or not being able to listen when you’re alone - this I don’t really get, can you elaborate? Listening along with others is amazing, I agree.
Shame around liking Springsteen/the “wrong” music for who you think people categorize you as; disliking songs you connect with that same - this I think, as I think you might feel, could be around self-acceptance, and figuring out how to resolve differences between how you feel and others’ expectations. Can be complicated for sure but I recommend trying to either disregard others’ judgments (by faking it if you have to, or looking critically at where their expectations are coming from), or using humour to defuse criticisms if they come up in actual interactions with people (vs playing things out in your mind or ruminating if that is happening).
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:28 PM on July 4, 2023
genre and style: i love music and was a straight up judgemental asshole for ages. i grew out of it and eventually even taught my kids: people like what they like - whatever it may be. try to grasp that with both hands. if you like springsteen and dylan, revel in it. post another askme: what contemporary artists are like/influenced by springsteen amd dylan?
music can be individual or social: if you like groups, get groups together at bar or show. individual listening sounds stressful in your experience. i think I've vibed a little about why. zappa has said the contemporary america uses music like wallpaper - just a mildly pleasant, unoffensive part of the background. for me, music is like art: demanding. listen. what is happening with the vocals, instruments, volume? what feelings are you experiencing? boredom? anxiety? relief?
i think that you believe music is not wallpaper. and that swims upstream against culture and can feel weird at first.
also, it is a super fun conversation to dive into what a friend likes. and why. really delve in. it can be super revealing and intimate. or dumb and superficial. either is ok.
society: some people like having knowledge and expertise and personal knowledge of an artist as a sort of cultural cachet or currency. which is ok, but really missing the point to me.
artist adoration: tricky one. but, remember, all the artists put pants on, poop, have good days and bad, have bad shows and good ones, can be sweet. or cruel. they're us, humans. then, there's the image. which with pop artists for ages has been a carefully crafted facade. people can be attracted to a 'perfect' facade in ways they can't be attentive or affectionate to the actual people in their lives. which is ok.
be where you are, musically, and in everything. when the orchestral pieces 'rites of spring' debuted, the audience literally, actually rioted. tore seats from the floor. ran amuck in the streets. they heard something sooo novel it sorta broke their brains for a minute. when i sat alone and listened to pink floyd for the first time, i couldn't at all understand what i was hearing. the sound of it was too...strange. i put it aside and came around to love it years later. but may not have. and that's ok.
like music. or don't. or like it in your own way and time.
everyone needs a reminder once in a while: you are perfect exactly as you are. no need to compare.
posted by j_curiouser at 11:48 PM on July 4, 2023
music can be individual or social: if you like groups, get groups together at bar or show. individual listening sounds stressful in your experience. i think I've vibed a little about why. zappa has said the contemporary america uses music like wallpaper - just a mildly pleasant, unoffensive part of the background. for me, music is like art: demanding. listen. what is happening with the vocals, instruments, volume? what feelings are you experiencing? boredom? anxiety? relief?
i think that you believe music is not wallpaper. and that swims upstream against culture and can feel weird at first.
also, it is a super fun conversation to dive into what a friend likes. and why. really delve in. it can be super revealing and intimate. or dumb and superficial. either is ok.
society: some people like having knowledge and expertise and personal knowledge of an artist as a sort of cultural cachet or currency. which is ok, but really missing the point to me.
artist adoration: tricky one. but, remember, all the artists put pants on, poop, have good days and bad, have bad shows and good ones, can be sweet. or cruel. they're us, humans. then, there's the image. which with pop artists for ages has been a carefully crafted facade. people can be attracted to a 'perfect' facade in ways they can't be attentive or affectionate to the actual people in their lives. which is ok.
be where you are, musically, and in everything. when the orchestral pieces 'rites of spring' debuted, the audience literally, actually rioted. tore seats from the floor. ran amuck in the streets. they heard something sooo novel it sorta broke their brains for a minute. when i sat alone and listened to pink floyd for the first time, i couldn't at all understand what i was hearing. the sound of it was too...strange. i put it aside and came around to love it years later. but may not have. and that's ok.
like music. or don't. or like it in your own way and time.
everyone needs a reminder once in a while: you are perfect exactly as you are. no need to compare.
posted by j_curiouser at 11:48 PM on July 4, 2023
I'll lean in to answer why I really got into fandom of a couple of different artists: because my childhood life was boring and stepping into their shoes, if only across an entire album, seemed like more fun. It also makes me feel young, now that I'm getting kinda old. Sure, I grew out of it eventually (especially when I was a person making music and had to deal with musicians - I honestly prefer office workers), but I get it and was well into my 20s beforehand.
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:24 AM on July 5, 2023
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:24 AM on July 5, 2023
Needing to move because sitting and listening seems wrong, or not being able to listen when you’re alone - this I don’t really get
Peanuts comic strip from 1958: Lucy and Shroeder on listening to a new record.
Zappa said the contemporary america uses music like wallpaper - just a mildly pleasant, unoffensive part of the background.
Concerning 'background music' Brian Eno said something like
Peanuts comic strip from 1958: Lucy and Shroeder on listening to a new record.
Zappa said the contemporary america uses music like wallpaper - just a mildly pleasant, unoffensive part of the background.
Concerning 'background music' Brian Eno said something like
If the music's good, nobody listens; if the music's bad, nobody talks.posted by Rash at 7:56 AM on July 5, 2023 [1 favorite]
I agree with others that there is no wrong way to like music.
That said, your story does suggest there may be other things going on – growing up not being able to listen to music for religious reasons is pretty extreme, and you may have some trauma from that experience (and possibly more – what other things were you denied, or what other ways were you controlled?). Not wanting photos around, imo, is a tell that there's more going on here.
Similarly, liking Springsteen may have alienated you from your peers, but there's nothing to be ashamed of. If you are still holding on to shame from liking him as a kid then, yeah, you're not going to want to relive that experience by listening. But feeling shame for who you were as a kid is going to keep haunting you until you work on it and find a way to bring love to who you have been, and to who you are.
In other words: there's nothing wrong with your relationship to music, but the specifics here suggest to me that there's a lot of challenging and negative feelings that music evokes, and those feelings themselves are a signpost pointing to deeper struggles/issues you may have.
I'll note also that in my experience listening to music is massively connected to the collective/shared experience, even if I'm listening on my own. We are very social creatures by nature, and MANY of our solo activities are first learned as collective/shared activities. With music specifically, there's moments of specific shared memories (listened to this driving with X friends) or with new music there's hopes for sharing this in the future (can't wait to play this for Y!). This isn't always so conscious, but the fact that for many of us music weaves in and out of the collective imbues solo listening with that social power. All that to say that it makes sense to me that if you didn't grow up with music as a collective experience then you may not understand it as a solo experience.
posted by wemayfreeze at 8:21 AM on July 5, 2023 [2 favorites]
That said, your story does suggest there may be other things going on – growing up not being able to listen to music for religious reasons is pretty extreme, and you may have some trauma from that experience (and possibly more – what other things were you denied, or what other ways were you controlled?). Not wanting photos around, imo, is a tell that there's more going on here.
Similarly, liking Springsteen may have alienated you from your peers, but there's nothing to be ashamed of. If you are still holding on to shame from liking him as a kid then, yeah, you're not going to want to relive that experience by listening. But feeling shame for who you were as a kid is going to keep haunting you until you work on it and find a way to bring love to who you have been, and to who you are.
In other words: there's nothing wrong with your relationship to music, but the specifics here suggest to me that there's a lot of challenging and negative feelings that music evokes, and those feelings themselves are a signpost pointing to deeper struggles/issues you may have.
I'll note also that in my experience listening to music is massively connected to the collective/shared experience, even if I'm listening on my own. We are very social creatures by nature, and MANY of our solo activities are first learned as collective/shared activities. With music specifically, there's moments of specific shared memories (listened to this driving with X friends) or with new music there's hopes for sharing this in the future (can't wait to play this for Y!). This isn't always so conscious, but the fact that for many of us music weaves in and out of the collective imbues solo listening with that social power. All that to say that it makes sense to me that if you didn't grow up with music as a collective experience then you may not understand it as a solo experience.
posted by wemayfreeze at 8:21 AM on July 5, 2023 [2 favorites]
Maybe it's my early upbringing of being taught to devalue and fear music that is coming out but I kinda feel...weirdly angry, when I think about it and I actually frankly do not like it that much as an art form in and of itself.
thanks for prompting this discussion, it feels like you have touched on aspects of music across a person's life and across the history of how people experience music, in a way. what I'm curious about: is it enough to get this out in an AskMeFi post, or is this an itch you will need to scratch some more? there are good books on what music is doing in a person's body/brain when listening/experiencing and performing, there is great stuff on music across time and cultures, just endless things to learn really. Thanks for posting this.
posted by elkevelvet at 9:18 AM on July 5, 2023 [1 favorite]
thanks for prompting this discussion, it feels like you have touched on aspects of music across a person's life and across the history of how people experience music, in a way. what I'm curious about: is it enough to get this out in an AskMeFi post, or is this an itch you will need to scratch some more? there are good books on what music is doing in a person's body/brain when listening/experiencing and performing, there is great stuff on music across time and cultures, just endless things to learn really. Thanks for posting this.
posted by elkevelvet at 9:18 AM on July 5, 2023 [1 favorite]
re: Springsteen - I would strongly suggest checking out the movie "Blinded by the Light", which speaks some to your feeling of who music 'belongs' to in a way. It's the story of a British-Pakistani teen group who find inspiration/solace in the music of Springsteen.
posted by griffey at 9:55 AM on July 5, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by griffey at 9:55 AM on July 5, 2023 [3 favorites]
Coming in to add that my BFF has been an enormous Springsteen fan since 1984, to the point that when teaching the alphabet to the kids at the day care center she founded, she says "A is for Apple, B is for Bruce".
Like whoever you like. At the very least there is one woman and a room full of kids in Eastern Connecticut that are going to be right there with you on the Springsteen fandom.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:02 AM on July 5, 2023
Like whoever you like. At the very least there is one woman and a room full of kids in Eastern Connecticut that are going to be right there with you on the Springsteen fandom.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:02 AM on July 5, 2023
The elephant in the room is that popular music is extremely closely linked to alcohol and drug use. There are entire genres of music (pub rock, acid jazz) named after drinks and drugs. Going back well before rock n roll, nearly all venues that host concerts also sell alcohol, and for most of them, the alcohol is what pays the bills. The live music is just there to help sell beer. For a lot of music fans, the experience of listening to music is inseparable from the experience of intoxication. I’m not saying this is how everyone relates to music; I like music quite a bit even though I don’t drink and have never used drugs. But like, a lot of the people who go to dozens of music festivals every year aren’t doing that because they appreciate the artistry of like, Haim or whoever, just like a lot of people who went on tour with the Grateful Dead weren’t there to listen to Phil Lesh. They’re excuses to take drugs. Do you really believe that many people like reggae? Because I actually do, and I don’t meet many people who can follow a conversation about even big-name artists.
Having disparaged concertgoing, I will now say that actually, seeing music performed live is actually a much different experience than listening to a CD or MP3. Music is a performing art, and seeing musicians performing helps you understand and appreciate. It’s rare that I see someone performing and don’t find it at all interesting, even if the music is terrible. Some of my favorites bands to watch are local no-name metal bands, because even bad metal can be quite intricate. And when musicians are good, there’s a real energy that is memorable. I walked by a restaurant with a band playing at the outdoor bar a few months ago with my kid (6yo), and almost every day since, she’s asked if we can go back and see them play again because it was such a magical experience for her.
Part of the reason that I enjoy watching musicians play their instruments is because I also play guitar and piano, and so I have some understanding of what they’re doing and why. I don’t particularly like Van Halen, but I appreciate what EVH can do on the guitar, because I’ve tried the same things and can’t. And when somebody can do extraordinary things on their instrument in the context of sounding good and enjoyable, that’s when people get obsessed.
Based on your mentions of Springsteen and Dylan, I’d guess that you probably relate more to lyrics than music. That is to say, you’re approaching it almost like literature, and this isn’t a terribly unusual to interact with literature. You can enjoy The Waste Land or Mansfield Park without know much at all about TS Eliot or Jane Austen. And while liking Mansfield Park might make you want to read Emma, it probably won’t make you hang posters up in your bedroom or wear Austen t-shirts. There are people who do, but often those are people who are missing something else in their lives, which goes back to the drugs thing.
posted by kevinbelt at 10:21 AM on July 5, 2023
Having disparaged concertgoing, I will now say that actually, seeing music performed live is actually a much different experience than listening to a CD or MP3. Music is a performing art, and seeing musicians performing helps you understand and appreciate. It’s rare that I see someone performing and don’t find it at all interesting, even if the music is terrible. Some of my favorites bands to watch are local no-name metal bands, because even bad metal can be quite intricate. And when musicians are good, there’s a real energy that is memorable. I walked by a restaurant with a band playing at the outdoor bar a few months ago with my kid (6yo), and almost every day since, she’s asked if we can go back and see them play again because it was such a magical experience for her.
Part of the reason that I enjoy watching musicians play their instruments is because I also play guitar and piano, and so I have some understanding of what they’re doing and why. I don’t particularly like Van Halen, but I appreciate what EVH can do on the guitar, because I’ve tried the same things and can’t. And when somebody can do extraordinary things on their instrument in the context of sounding good and enjoyable, that’s when people get obsessed.
Based on your mentions of Springsteen and Dylan, I’d guess that you probably relate more to lyrics than music. That is to say, you’re approaching it almost like literature, and this isn’t a terribly unusual to interact with literature. You can enjoy The Waste Land or Mansfield Park without know much at all about TS Eliot or Jane Austen. And while liking Mansfield Park might make you want to read Emma, it probably won’t make you hang posters up in your bedroom or wear Austen t-shirts. There are people who do, but often those are people who are missing something else in their lives, which goes back to the drugs thing.
posted by kevinbelt at 10:21 AM on July 5, 2023
And while liking Mansfield Park might make you want to read Emma, it probably won’t make you hang posters up in your bedroom or wear Austen t-shirts. There are people who do, but often those are people who are missing something else in their lives, which goes back to the drugs thing.
Uhhh, Harry Potter? I kind of agree in general, but mostly think it's because there's a hole in the literary shirts/posters market. And you may say well that's because Harry Potter is also a bunch of movies, but nearly every one of the most popular music artists of the past 70 years also starred in some movies. Hitting multiple lines of entertainment has been common for a long time.
posted by The_Vegetables at 10:57 AM on July 5, 2023
Uhhh, Harry Potter? I kind of agree in general, but mostly think it's because there's a hole in the literary shirts/posters market. And you may say well that's because Harry Potter is also a bunch of movies, but nearly every one of the most popular music artists of the past 70 years also starred in some movies. Hitting multiple lines of entertainment has been common for a long time.
posted by The_Vegetables at 10:57 AM on July 5, 2023
but nearly every one of the most popular music artists of the past 70 years also starred in some movies. Hitting multiple lines of entertainment has been common for a long time.
most popular music artists from where?
and the past 70 years takes us to post-WWII, basically. you're describing a narrow slice of time/humanity here
posted by elkevelvet at 1:43 PM on July 5, 2023 [1 favorite]
most popular music artists from where?
and the past 70 years takes us to post-WWII, basically. you're describing a narrow slice of time/humanity here
posted by elkevelvet at 1:43 PM on July 5, 2023 [1 favorite]
"In particular, I don't like listening to songs on my own that remind me of who I used to be or how I used to feel."
I don't like listening to those songs when I'm in line at the grocery store or at a barbecue with friends.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 1:46 PM on July 5, 2023
I don't like listening to those songs when I'm in line at the grocery store or at a barbecue with friends.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 1:46 PM on July 5, 2023
"I wasn't allowed to listen to music growing up for religious reasons."
"Maybe it's my early upbringing of being taught to devalue and fear music"
but and "I kinda feel...weirdly angry, when I think about it and I actually frankly do not like it that much as an art form in and of itself."
First, it would be completely fine for you to feel this way about music even if you *didn't* have this complicated upbringing. People don't need to like everything? Not every style, or even every sensory style of art...
I asked a secret Santa for some essential oils because it was easy to get, cheap, and I wanted to enjoy the scent at home in my room. The person who had me, turned out to... Ok I still don't fully understand, but they hated *something* about the idea of enjoying smells, it definitely made them weirdly angry and they partly explained (??) that they thought it was hippy, and so they instead got me something I neither liked nor wanted nor used.
Obviously I'm still pretty confused wth happened there, but like, people have different sensory-art experiences that they *do not like*, and hey, you're not actually harshing other people's buzz when it comes to music? You don't have to like it, but if you're not insulting other people for liking it when you don't, you're fine.
Ironically, that person was deeeeeply into music by the way, very devoted, a major life passion, had music playing most of the time.
It definitely didn't occur to them that a nice smell can set a nice ambience or mood in a similar way to music.
However, in your case, you've got this additional reason for not liking it in the form of your upbringing. I mean, that, honestly sounds like a pretty coherent explanation of why you might have these feelings now, not some kind of weird coincidence.
I mean, if someone grew up with a very very bland food palate, because of say, religious reasons, because of their parents, like you - well, some people would overcome that in adulthood, sure, and get really into spicy food, or curries, sometimes motivated by differentiating themselves from their parents/upbringing.
But honestly, most people would *really struggle* to adapt their palate in adulthood. They'd have a lifetime of wiring behind them of what food is 'supposed' to taste like.
So yeah, extending the metaphor, if you grew up on really bland food, then more flavourful or spiced food would probably taste kinda wrong and gross to you, even if you knew intellectually that it's normal for other people. It would just be a bit overwhelming in a sensory way. That's understandable, that makes sense.
There's even the possibility that a lot of the ways you talk about music almost sound a little like you are dealing with sensory overwhelm. Moving, dancing, etc allows you to process that sensory overwhelm in a way that sitting still wouldn't, like music is a 'bit much' in a similar way to finding food too strongly flavoured.
And finally, that brings us to another reason for you to be 'weirdly angry' about it -
because, yeah, ok it really does sound like your upbringing is a good chunk of the reason that you find music maybe, a bit much. Why it reminds you of your earlier selves *too strongly*, why it feels too emotional, too cheesy, why it's too hard to be still and not get that energy.
And if that was me, I would also be kinda pissed, at my parents/upbringing, that I couldn't get past that? Like, I would be a little resentful if someone, anyone kinda *had* managed to control my upbringing or brainwash me enough to, essentially make it harder for me to enjoy something that other people enjoy.
And sure, that resentment would be at the people who did that to me, but I would also feel a bit of that resentment when I thought about the *Thing* that they brainwashed me about if I couldn't get past it, because that would feel like some kind of 'failure'. But it's not a failure, it's just that you've only got so much time in your life, and if you wanted to get over this you probably could, but you've probably got much higher priorities in life that you want to get on with instead!
So yeah:
a) it's totally cool to not be into all forms of art or sensory experiences, and you don't have to be into music, that's fine
b) it would understandably make a sensory experience/artform more overwhelming if you never experienced it while growing up, whether that was music, foods, neon colours, different languages, being physically touched/hugged etc, visual art
c) if you also wanted to partly chalk this up to 'yet another weird issue from religious parents' I think you'd be pretty justified?
posted by Elysum at 2:12 AM on July 6, 2023
"Maybe it's my early upbringing of being taught to devalue and fear music"
First, it would be completely fine for you to feel this way about music even if you *didn't* have this complicated upbringing. People don't need to like everything? Not every style, or even every sensory style of art...
I asked a secret Santa for some essential oils because it was easy to get, cheap, and I wanted to enjoy the scent at home in my room. The person who had me, turned out to... Ok I still don't fully understand, but they hated *something* about the idea of enjoying smells, it definitely made them weirdly angry and they partly explained (??) that they thought it was hippy, and so they instead got me something I neither liked nor wanted nor used.
Obviously I'm still pretty confused wth happened there, but like, people have different sensory-art experiences that they *do not like*, and hey, you're not actually harshing other people's buzz when it comes to music? You don't have to like it, but if you're not insulting other people for liking it when you don't, you're fine.
Ironically, that person was deeeeeply into music by the way, very devoted, a major life passion, had music playing most of the time.
It definitely didn't occur to them that a nice smell can set a nice ambience or mood in a similar way to music.
However, in your case, you've got this additional reason for not liking it in the form of your upbringing. I mean, that, honestly sounds like a pretty coherent explanation of why you might have these feelings now, not some kind of weird coincidence.
I mean, if someone grew up with a very very bland food palate, because of say, religious reasons, because of their parents, like you - well, some people would overcome that in adulthood, sure, and get really into spicy food, or curries, sometimes motivated by differentiating themselves from their parents/upbringing.
But honestly, most people would *really struggle* to adapt their palate in adulthood. They'd have a lifetime of wiring behind them of what food is 'supposed' to taste like.
So yeah, extending the metaphor, if you grew up on really bland food, then more flavourful or spiced food would probably taste kinda wrong and gross to you, even if you knew intellectually that it's normal for other people. It would just be a bit overwhelming in a sensory way. That's understandable, that makes sense.
There's even the possibility that a lot of the ways you talk about music almost sound a little like you are dealing with sensory overwhelm. Moving, dancing, etc allows you to process that sensory overwhelm in a way that sitting still wouldn't, like music is a 'bit much' in a similar way to finding food too strongly flavoured.
And finally, that brings us to another reason for you to be 'weirdly angry' about it -
because, yeah, ok it really does sound like your upbringing is a good chunk of the reason that you find music maybe, a bit much. Why it reminds you of your earlier selves *too strongly*, why it feels too emotional, too cheesy, why it's too hard to be still and not get that energy.
And if that was me, I would also be kinda pissed, at my parents/upbringing, that I couldn't get past that? Like, I would be a little resentful if someone, anyone kinda *had* managed to control my upbringing or brainwash me enough to, essentially make it harder for me to enjoy something that other people enjoy.
And sure, that resentment would be at the people who did that to me, but I would also feel a bit of that resentment when I thought about the *Thing* that they brainwashed me about if I couldn't get past it, because that would feel like some kind of 'failure'. But it's not a failure, it's just that you've only got so much time in your life, and if you wanted to get over this you probably could, but you've probably got much higher priorities in life that you want to get on with instead!
So yeah:
a) it's totally cool to not be into all forms of art or sensory experiences, and you don't have to be into music, that's fine
b) it would understandably make a sensory experience/artform more overwhelming if you never experienced it while growing up, whether that was music, foods, neon colours, different languages, being physically touched/hugged etc, visual art
c) if you also wanted to partly chalk this up to 'yet another weird issue from religious parents' I think you'd be pretty justified?
posted by Elysum at 2:12 AM on July 6, 2023
Oh, and when you made your first baby steps into expanding your musical palate, for other people to then criticise those steps?
What a dick move! I would be pretty pissed about that. And it's almost like they were criticising you that the music you started listening too was... Too bland? I mean, that's kinda what the criticism old white guy music means, right?
🤦🏻
And I mean, *even if* that was true, then going by the food metaphor, then that would *completely make sense*. People expand their palate *slowly*.
But I don't think that's even necessarily true. It was things that you found that you enjoyed, and other people were dicks about it, and you'd be entirely justified in being resentful about that. The only way someone develops their own taste, their own sense of style, is to explore the things that they like and enjoy.
So I'm really sorry that when you finally got to experience music yourself, outside your childhood, that other people were rude and mean and harshed your buzz of what you enjoyed, which would absolutely put you off.
You get to dictate your musical preferences, not anyone else. If you don't want to at all, that's cool. If you enjoy a certain style, that's great! And like expanding your food palate, enjoying one thing usually widens the horizon to similar things that you can now enjoy, or if it's more strongly flavoured, to other things that are more strongly flavoured.
And it does sound like you enjoy music in certain contexts, in film, with other people, especially when dancing - and that's great! That's enough.
Not everyone goes to see bands or festivals even if they have no reason to dislike music, but also I think you could probably relate with people enjoying the social side of music, and liking to go to festivals etc because it *does* allow them to enjoy music socially, with a bunch of other people who also enjoy it.
Some people like music but not listening to music with other people, and not dancing, or bands or festivals, so it kinda sounds like you can relate more to enjoying it *in* a social context, if you think about it.
posted by Elysum at 2:34 AM on July 6, 2023
What a dick move! I would be pretty pissed about that. And it's almost like they were criticising you that the music you started listening too was... Too bland? I mean, that's kinda what the criticism old white guy music means, right?
🤦🏻
And I mean, *even if* that was true, then going by the food metaphor, then that would *completely make sense*. People expand their palate *slowly*.
But I don't think that's even necessarily true. It was things that you found that you enjoyed, and other people were dicks about it, and you'd be entirely justified in being resentful about that. The only way someone develops their own taste, their own sense of style, is to explore the things that they like and enjoy.
So I'm really sorry that when you finally got to experience music yourself, outside your childhood, that other people were rude and mean and harshed your buzz of what you enjoyed, which would absolutely put you off.
You get to dictate your musical preferences, not anyone else. If you don't want to at all, that's cool. If you enjoy a certain style, that's great! And like expanding your food palate, enjoying one thing usually widens the horizon to similar things that you can now enjoy, or if it's more strongly flavoured, to other things that are more strongly flavoured.
And it does sound like you enjoy music in certain contexts, in film, with other people, especially when dancing - and that's great! That's enough.
Not everyone goes to see bands or festivals even if they have no reason to dislike music, but also I think you could probably relate with people enjoying the social side of music, and liking to go to festivals etc because it *does* allow them to enjoy music socially, with a bunch of other people who also enjoy it.
Some people like music but not listening to music with other people, and not dancing, or bands or festivals, so it kinda sounds like you can relate more to enjoying it *in* a social context, if you think about it.
posted by Elysum at 2:34 AM on July 6, 2023
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I also wouldn't worry about not caring about the artist as a person. The art and the artist are often very different.
Also also, it is not surprising that you don't like listening to songs that remind you of your past self and past feelings, since you (ostensibly) did not like who you were then.
posted by falsedmitri at 1:31 PM on July 4, 2023 [4 favorites]