how do i support someone who's wife recently left him? should i even?
June 16, 2023 3:34 PM Subscribe
i recently reconnected with a friendly acquaintance i've known for 19 years. i want to be supportive but don't know if it's…appropriate? warranted? i am not secretly asking about how to make this into a relationship bc obvs he's emotionally not in that place and neither am i. i want to know if it's appropriate for me to be supportive, and if so, how? i'd love to get some insight into his perspective as well, if you have gone through similar.
really long two-back-story-stories follows.
sorry sorry sorry about the length of this post. i haven't been active or posted barely at all in the last 6-7 yrs bc of major life changes; most notably, moving cross-country 3x in the last five years and getting laid off from as many jobs in that time span as well. part of that time was spent dealing with depression from the frequent/long periods of unemployment but also, when i was employed, just finally being content with where my life was. a big part of that was getting to a point where i accepted my singleness and enjoying it. i took up running again, read my books, watched my shows, and went on road trips with my dogs. i found myself having no emotional bandwith for—or much interest in—dating or looking for a relationship.
i still really don't. i, like much of the tech industry, got laid off at the start of the year, right before i closed on a house in a new city (i was working remotely and, having missed portland immensely from the moment i moved away for my career, decided it was time to move back to the pnw). it's been non-stop stress since then: paying mortgage and rent (my lease didn't end until several months after i closed on my house) and everything related to the move, from how much it cost (14K), the literal full-time job of having to sort, organize, sell, and pack to downsize from a 1300SQFT home to just over a 1000SQFT one (in that way at least, i was glad not to have actually had a full-time job), to shooting "house hunters", to now unpacking and hoping i find a new job before my unemployment runs out. i'm not exaggerating when i state that i have probably averaged at least one meltdown a week for the last 5 months.
so no, still no real interest in having a romantic life. BUT (bc there's always a but, right?). while i was roadtripping from minneapolis to seattle and cruising through montana, i looked up the instagram account of guy i knew from portland who grew up there and sent him a "hi! driving through montana and thought of you!" message. he almost immediately wrote back with some things along the lines of "where to? if portland, stay with me, altho i'll be up for work in seattle at the wknd" and i replied with, "i'm actually moving to seattle and should arrive in town when you're there. want to hang out?" he gives me his number and several days of texting ensue.
i am immediately confused by his up-in-my-bidnez-ness. here's why: i have known him for about 19 years. he's actually one of the first ppl i met when i moved to portland. we slept together but nothing more. we work in adjacent fields and portland being the small town it is, you know ppl. i would run into him at parties, we had friends in common; i even ran into him in a whole other city and state once. we were always friendly. we would DM on instagram every so often. he got married. the last contact i had with him before my recent roadtrip DM to him was about three years ago on instagram but then his account was deactivated (not the first time his account had been hacked).
anyway, he tells me he's recently separated. he's depressed about being middle aged and he's depressed about where his career is, etc. we get together when he's in town. we have sex again. it was actually really fun catching up with him and the sex was good. he hints at seeing me again until i just ask him if he does want to see me again and we make tentative plans for another week. but after he returns to portland, the texting tapers off and i'm getting a vibe. when i ask him about what's going on with his marriage, he's reluctant to tell me but then admits that his wife had cheated on him with a married mutual friend of theirs while he was working on location for a movie (he works on crew) earlier in the year before they both up and moved across the country, and that he'd just finally removed his wedding ring. he sounded angry with me for asking (as the next day would have been their 8th anniversary). altho i think he may still be unhappy that i asked him about it, he apologized when i told him it wasn't unreasonable that i should at least get the cliff notes on what was going on, esp with him being hot and cold bc i had no idea how to frame expectations for myself.
i haven't heard from him in over a week beyond a few comments on instagram. i can't imagine what he is going through and know that he is grieving. i think a lot of his prior bemoaning about his career and middle-aged-dom was really a deflection from the pain of the separation and his wife leaving him. he's the kind of guy who always presents this happy-go-lucky front and has a kind of cool/goofy charm and bc of that, is really popular. but i also have a feeling he doesn't share a lot of emotional stuff with very many ppl. i've tried to be supportive without being intrusive but i don't know if this is the right thing to do.
what do i do? nothing? i know that when i am experiencing my depressive episodes (i have been diagnosed with major clinical depression, dysthymia, and anxiety), to have someone reach out to me and just ask how i was feeling, was a lifeline. but at the same time, it's not great to get no response (even tho, intellectually, i know it's bc of the emotional place he is at) bc i obviously do feel some kind of way about him, even after almost 20 years. i'm not in a place myself emotionally for a relationship (when most days i'm spending unpacking and just trying not to go over a mental cliff from my current precarious financial and employment status). but on the third hand, i hadn't had sex in like 5/6 years before i reconnected with him and i (i know, selfishly) really want to have sex with him again bc it was fun hanging out with him and it was the one time in the last 5-6 months where i wasn't thinking about how stressed the fuck out about the rest of my life i was. i have always really liked him as a person outside of being attracted to him.
tell me i'm an idiot. it's fine.
sorry sorry sorry about the length of this post. i haven't been active or posted barely at all in the last 6-7 yrs bc of major life changes; most notably, moving cross-country 3x in the last five years and getting laid off from as many jobs in that time span as well. part of that time was spent dealing with depression from the frequent/long periods of unemployment but also, when i was employed, just finally being content with where my life was. a big part of that was getting to a point where i accepted my singleness and enjoying it. i took up running again, read my books, watched my shows, and went on road trips with my dogs. i found myself having no emotional bandwith for—or much interest in—dating or looking for a relationship.
i still really don't. i, like much of the tech industry, got laid off at the start of the year, right before i closed on a house in a new city (i was working remotely and, having missed portland immensely from the moment i moved away for my career, decided it was time to move back to the pnw). it's been non-stop stress since then: paying mortgage and rent (my lease didn't end until several months after i closed on my house) and everything related to the move, from how much it cost (14K), the literal full-time job of having to sort, organize, sell, and pack to downsize from a 1300SQFT home to just over a 1000SQFT one (in that way at least, i was glad not to have actually had a full-time job), to shooting "house hunters", to now unpacking and hoping i find a new job before my unemployment runs out. i'm not exaggerating when i state that i have probably averaged at least one meltdown a week for the last 5 months.
so no, still no real interest in having a romantic life. BUT (bc there's always a but, right?). while i was roadtripping from minneapolis to seattle and cruising through montana, i looked up the instagram account of guy i knew from portland who grew up there and sent him a "hi! driving through montana and thought of you!" message. he almost immediately wrote back with some things along the lines of "where to? if portland, stay with me, altho i'll be up for work in seattle at the wknd" and i replied with, "i'm actually moving to seattle and should arrive in town when you're there. want to hang out?" he gives me his number and several days of texting ensue.
i am immediately confused by his up-in-my-bidnez-ness. here's why: i have known him for about 19 years. he's actually one of the first ppl i met when i moved to portland. we slept together but nothing more. we work in adjacent fields and portland being the small town it is, you know ppl. i would run into him at parties, we had friends in common; i even ran into him in a whole other city and state once. we were always friendly. we would DM on instagram every so often. he got married. the last contact i had with him before my recent roadtrip DM to him was about three years ago on instagram but then his account was deactivated (not the first time his account had been hacked).
anyway, he tells me he's recently separated. he's depressed about being middle aged and he's depressed about where his career is, etc. we get together when he's in town. we have sex again. it was actually really fun catching up with him and the sex was good. he hints at seeing me again until i just ask him if he does want to see me again and we make tentative plans for another week. but after he returns to portland, the texting tapers off and i'm getting a vibe. when i ask him about what's going on with his marriage, he's reluctant to tell me but then admits that his wife had cheated on him with a married mutual friend of theirs while he was working on location for a movie (he works on crew) earlier in the year before they both up and moved across the country, and that he'd just finally removed his wedding ring. he sounded angry with me for asking (as the next day would have been their 8th anniversary). altho i think he may still be unhappy that i asked him about it, he apologized when i told him it wasn't unreasonable that i should at least get the cliff notes on what was going on, esp with him being hot and cold bc i had no idea how to frame expectations for myself.
i haven't heard from him in over a week beyond a few comments on instagram. i can't imagine what he is going through and know that he is grieving. i think a lot of his prior bemoaning about his career and middle-aged-dom was really a deflection from the pain of the separation and his wife leaving him. he's the kind of guy who always presents this happy-go-lucky front and has a kind of cool/goofy charm and bc of that, is really popular. but i also have a feeling he doesn't share a lot of emotional stuff with very many ppl. i've tried to be supportive without being intrusive but i don't know if this is the right thing to do.
what do i do? nothing? i know that when i am experiencing my depressive episodes (i have been diagnosed with major clinical depression, dysthymia, and anxiety), to have someone reach out to me and just ask how i was feeling, was a lifeline. but at the same time, it's not great to get no response (even tho, intellectually, i know it's bc of the emotional place he is at) bc i obviously do feel some kind of way about him, even after almost 20 years. i'm not in a place myself emotionally for a relationship (when most days i'm spending unpacking and just trying not to go over a mental cliff from my current precarious financial and employment status). but on the third hand, i hadn't had sex in like 5/6 years before i reconnected with him and i (i know, selfishly) really want to have sex with him again bc it was fun hanging out with him and it was the one time in the last 5-6 months where i wasn't thinking about how stressed the fuck out about the rest of my life i was. i have always really liked him as a person outside of being attracted to him.
tell me i'm an idiot. it's fine.
You’re not in a place to have a relationship right now you said. There are waaay easier ways to get laid than trying to convince this kind of mean guy who is seriously depressed over the break up of his marriage and is “hot and cold” with you to sleep with you. Casual dating can lead to casual sex and you can walk away from it without any drama. I think this guy also isn’t in a place to have a relationship.
posted by bendy at 5:06 PM on June 16, 2023 [11 favorites]
posted by bendy at 5:06 PM on June 16, 2023 [11 favorites]
To answer your headline question - you’re probably not the person to support him through his divorce: You’ve not been a part of his life for many years; you have complicated feelings for him; you’re not in a great place yourself, so coping with his inevitable emotional fluctuations is likely to be hard for you (as this question illustrates already). It seems very likely he has other people in his life who can help him with this - there’s no need for you to do it.
As for what I think is your sub-question of “Can I/should I sleep with this guy again?” - I guess it depends if you think you can cope with something emotionally messy right now. It sounds like it will almost certainly be messy (it already is, or you wouldn’t be here). Do you have the bandwidth? You sound like you don’t, but only you really know. I think you’re maybe hoping there’s a way to have some fun with this guy and have it all be emotionally easy and fancy free, but it doesn’t sound like he’s capable of fancy free right now.
Maybe take your encounter with him as a great reminder of what you do love about being with guys sometimes, and get online (or wherever) to find someone who genuinely can be fun and no-strings-attached, not still reeling from a painful divorce.
posted by penguin pie at 5:07 PM on June 16, 2023 [19 favorites]
As for what I think is your sub-question of “Can I/should I sleep with this guy again?” - I guess it depends if you think you can cope with something emotionally messy right now. It sounds like it will almost certainly be messy (it already is, or you wouldn’t be here). Do you have the bandwidth? You sound like you don’t, but only you really know. I think you’re maybe hoping there’s a way to have some fun with this guy and have it all be emotionally easy and fancy free, but it doesn’t sound like he’s capable of fancy free right now.
Maybe take your encounter with him as a great reminder of what you do love about being with guys sometimes, and get online (or wherever) to find someone who genuinely can be fun and no-strings-attached, not still reeling from a painful divorce.
posted by penguin pie at 5:07 PM on June 16, 2023 [19 favorites]
You're not an idiot!! You are human. I'm so sorry to hear about the bad stuff but happy to see some good stuff happening, too. I don't know this guy but his story doesn't seem to quite add up. It's so easy to fall prey to the charms (or should I say negative vortex?) of someone with a sob story: maybe it's all true, maybe it's slightly embellished, maybe it's all bullshit designed to manipulate you. Maybe he's struggling temporarily and maybe he's always been a hot mess and this is his latest disaster. I'm not convinced on the story of his wife -- you know people will lie about this stuff and he technically still is married (and may never actually change it!) Also, the story about his Instagram getting hacked? You're communicating all through Instagram?! Why not phone numbers or email?
I see you kindly offering all of your love and attention and support to this man -- who basically is ghosting you. You deserve all that love and attention and support yourself. Is this man capable of giving it to you? Or just sucking all of your energy? Because right now it sounds like you're trying to distract yourself rather than fix your own life, which I get because it's hard. No judgment there, just sending you love to take care of yourself. I wish your question had been about that rather than him because he seems like a burden or hurdle. I get being lonely, I get being horny; fortunately, there are easy options for the latter online and slightly harder options for the former in person. This guy needs to be a stand-up person and take care of himself before trying anything with you. If he is able and willing to take even small steps to a better situation, then you can revisit things. But right now it's all your wanting to give and all just for a little sex. If that's what you're OK with, then fine but the fact that you're calling yourself an idiot tells me you're not OK.
I know my reply isn't very helpful in that it doesn't really answer your question; others can give better advice. However, I do hope that my words serve as a vote of confidence for you as Team violetk because you yourself deserve everything you're wanting to give him.
posted by smorgasbord at 5:55 PM on June 16, 2023 [12 favorites]
I see you kindly offering all of your love and attention and support to this man -- who basically is ghosting you. You deserve all that love and attention and support yourself. Is this man capable of giving it to you? Or just sucking all of your energy? Because right now it sounds like you're trying to distract yourself rather than fix your own life, which I get because it's hard. No judgment there, just sending you love to take care of yourself. I wish your question had been about that rather than him because he seems like a burden or hurdle. I get being lonely, I get being horny; fortunately, there are easy options for the latter online and slightly harder options for the former in person. This guy needs to be a stand-up person and take care of himself before trying anything with you. If he is able and willing to take even small steps to a better situation, then you can revisit things. But right now it's all your wanting to give and all just for a little sex. If that's what you're OK with, then fine but the fact that you're calling yourself an idiot tells me you're not OK.
I know my reply isn't very helpful in that it doesn't really answer your question; others can give better advice. However, I do hope that my words serve as a vote of confidence for you as Team violetk because you yourself deserve everything you're wanting to give him.
posted by smorgasbord at 5:55 PM on June 16, 2023 [12 favorites]
Response by poster: You deserve all that love and attention and support yourself.
smorgasbord thank you for flipping that script! with everything going on in my life lately, it's just been hard to see things from a broader perspective.
You're communicating all through Instagram?! Why not phone numbers or email?
also, not that it matters, but no, we were texting/calling via phone. prior to recently, instagram only. as i said, was always a casual friendship.
posted by violetk at 6:03 PM on June 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
smorgasbord thank you for flipping that script! with everything going on in my life lately, it's just been hard to see things from a broader perspective.
You're communicating all through Instagram?! Why not phone numbers or email?
also, not that it matters, but no, we were texting/calling via phone. prior to recently, instagram only. as i said, was always a casual friendship.
posted by violetk at 6:03 PM on June 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
It would be perfectly appropriate to support him if he wanted that support - but it sounds like he's really not currently open to or available for that sort of emotional closeness with you or anyone.
You're not an idiot at all but your expectations for this should be about as low as they can be. If "exchanging occasional casual social media comments, being lightly friendly but not close, and maybe occasionally having sex once in a while when the stars line up to make a meetup convenient" sounds like something that would be a fun diversion for you, that's great - go for it, and have fun! But if you're looking for something a little more regular or intimate than that, even if still on the casual side, it doesn't sound like this guy is in a place to provide that.
You have so much going on already. I don't think it will enrich your life to volunteer yourself as loadbearing emotional support for someone who isn't even looking for that from you.
posted by Stacey at 6:24 PM on June 16, 2023 [4 favorites]
You're not an idiot at all but your expectations for this should be about as low as they can be. If "exchanging occasional casual social media comments, being lightly friendly but not close, and maybe occasionally having sex once in a while when the stars line up to make a meetup convenient" sounds like something that would be a fun diversion for you, that's great - go for it, and have fun! But if you're looking for something a little more regular or intimate than that, even if still on the casual side, it doesn't sound like this guy is in a place to provide that.
You have so much going on already. I don't think it will enrich your life to volunteer yourself as loadbearing emotional support for someone who isn't even looking for that from you.
posted by Stacey at 6:24 PM on June 16, 2023 [4 favorites]
Use an app for hooking up and get yourself laid so you can stop chasing someone just for dick, because there are so many fun people to play with and you don’t have to deal with this amount of drama. You don’t owe this guy! Enjoy being back in a city you love by loving the people there 😉
posted by Bottlecap at 9:41 PM on June 16, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by Bottlecap at 9:41 PM on June 16, 2023 [3 favorites]
My sudden and unpleasant divorce is in my Ask history. Yeah, I loved it when people reached out, even if they asked uncomfortable questions, because most people seem extremely committed to staying out of people's emotional difficulties. I don't know why that is, exactly. But I know that I was raw as hell for about two years, and I'm still very grateful for the people who didn't hide from it/me. The downside: I made life painful for some of those kind people. I've expressed my apologies to some of those folks, but others were hurt sufficiently by my insanity in that period that they have chosen to step away. So where do you find yourself in your level of comfort with this spectrum of how things may be with this guy for a while? How do you want to be? How charitable your goodwill, how tenacious your capacity to endure someone else's bullshit? You have to answer these for yourself, but my input is to remember that there are no objectively right answers here. There are just answers that you and this dude arrive at in your own way and time.
Hang in there.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 10:36 PM on June 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
Hang in there.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 10:36 PM on June 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
You're not an idiot.
No, it's not a good idea to offer your support and become more involved. Your friend's grief is so new that he's going to run hot and cold for a good while; eventually you'd have trouble remembering how much you've always liked him.
At this moment, you're in different life phases. Keep in sporadic touch over the next year or so, while you focus on your own new beginning.
posted by Iris Gambol at 12:05 AM on June 17, 2023 [4 favorites]
No, it's not a good idea to offer your support and become more involved. Your friend's grief is so new that he's going to run hot and cold for a good while; eventually you'd have trouble remembering how much you've always liked him.
At this moment, you're in different life phases. Keep in sporadic touch over the next year or so, while you focus on your own new beginning.
posted by Iris Gambol at 12:05 AM on June 17, 2023 [4 favorites]
I don't think this is a good or safe mess for you to volunteer to participate in. You sound like you're under a tremendous amount of stress and you don't need to introduce additional volatility to it. You sound like you yourself are in serious need of support, and you should be looking for that from people who are on steady ground and are looking to help pull you over there with them. You deserve more than scraps, and I think you have/are making some ethically sketchy decisions here in part because you don't realize you deserve more than scraps.
Almost everyone I know who's gone through a marriage/LTR dissolution has made terrible-for-their-mental-health decisions mid-breakup. In my circles, it is known that you don't sleep with that guy if you ever wanted to speak to him again. Never walk into someone else's breakup mid-collapse, because you instantly become structural debris.
Sometimes it's better to not sleep with someone, you know? Boundaries are a gift. Just like if you run into a friend late at night outside a closed bar with his keys in his hand and he seems a little off and says he's "just" tired, maybe you still walk him down the street to the Denny's and get a little food in him - the support someone really needs in that situation - rather than having him drive you home to save yourself the cost of an Uber. In fact, re-reading your post, you knew what was going on and proceeded anyway, something I would absolutely consider predatory if a man was telling this story, but I think maybe for you the lure of approval and appearance of interest shone more brightly than the understanding "this person is in crisis and is the wrong kind of vulnerable".
You are not masking your motives as well as you hoped, I think; every word of your story strains to justify pursuing a relationship with this guy as if one was on offer, including literally trying to get a vibe check from him in the moment you should have understood you won't likely hear from him again until his next breakup, and you keep wrapping the word "support" around that like it changes what you're doing.
You have to walk away now, for your own emotional and possibly physical safety and out of respect for his right to be a total disaster at this time. He needs friends who are going to prioritize keeping him safe from getting into situations that are going to create more chaos. I think it's also dangerous that you haven't stopped to consider that, with sex a possibility, the story you're going to get from him is going to be somewhat tailored for the audience. You don't actually know how broken-up he is and what the real circumstances are, and there is a nonzero risk you are going to have some shit land on your doorstep from this and she might be angry enough to do damage.
Boundaries. Big ones, now. Back all the way off to benign likes on only wholesome insta posts. If he booty calls you, please stop and think very hard before proceeding, and you shouldn't but if you do it anyway you should do your due diligence first to make sure he's in a mental state to truly consent - even though it's honestly very hard for someone to know that when they are in a lot of pain, which is why it's at best a gray area to take someone at their word here. That's why it's better for you to make a personal decision for yourself that this is territory you're going to stay out of, so you don't have to try to do this math in the first place.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:24 AM on June 17, 2023 [12 favorites]
Almost everyone I know who's gone through a marriage/LTR dissolution has made terrible-for-their-mental-health decisions mid-breakup. In my circles, it is known that you don't sleep with that guy if you ever wanted to speak to him again. Never walk into someone else's breakup mid-collapse, because you instantly become structural debris.
Sometimes it's better to not sleep with someone, you know? Boundaries are a gift. Just like if you run into a friend late at night outside a closed bar with his keys in his hand and he seems a little off and says he's "just" tired, maybe you still walk him down the street to the Denny's and get a little food in him - the support someone really needs in that situation - rather than having him drive you home to save yourself the cost of an Uber. In fact, re-reading your post, you knew what was going on and proceeded anyway, something I would absolutely consider predatory if a man was telling this story, but I think maybe for you the lure of approval and appearance of interest shone more brightly than the understanding "this person is in crisis and is the wrong kind of vulnerable".
You are not masking your motives as well as you hoped, I think; every word of your story strains to justify pursuing a relationship with this guy as if one was on offer, including literally trying to get a vibe check from him in the moment you should have understood you won't likely hear from him again until his next breakup, and you keep wrapping the word "support" around that like it changes what you're doing.
You have to walk away now, for your own emotional and possibly physical safety and out of respect for his right to be a total disaster at this time. He needs friends who are going to prioritize keeping him safe from getting into situations that are going to create more chaos. I think it's also dangerous that you haven't stopped to consider that, with sex a possibility, the story you're going to get from him is going to be somewhat tailored for the audience. You don't actually know how broken-up he is and what the real circumstances are, and there is a nonzero risk you are going to have some shit land on your doorstep from this and she might be angry enough to do damage.
Boundaries. Big ones, now. Back all the way off to benign likes on only wholesome insta posts. If he booty calls you, please stop and think very hard before proceeding, and you shouldn't but if you do it anyway you should do your due diligence first to make sure he's in a mental state to truly consent - even though it's honestly very hard for someone to know that when they are in a lot of pain, which is why it's at best a gray area to take someone at their word here. That's why it's better for you to make a personal decision for yourself that this is territory you're going to stay out of, so you don't have to try to do this math in the first place.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:24 AM on June 17, 2023 [12 favorites]
You want to support him because you know what it's like when you've been depressed. But were any of those people who reached out to you someone that you'd slept with recently and/or they wanted to sleep with you?
Bottom line is that you're not in a place to offer support (because of all the stuff going on in your life) and I wouldn't say your intentions are entirely pure. So yes, leave him alone. He could potentially add to all your stress by treating you as his therapist, which is not uncommon. Let him get on a more secure footing and see how he is in say, two years. You were out of contact for 3 years so, you've done it before, you can do it again.
Also, I get that sex with him was a bit of an escape from all your stress. If you want a fuckbuddy for stress relief, post on Reddit or Tinder.
posted by foxjacket at 6:30 AM on June 17, 2023
Bottom line is that you're not in a place to offer support (because of all the stuff going on in your life) and I wouldn't say your intentions are entirely pure. So yes, leave him alone. He could potentially add to all your stress by treating you as his therapist, which is not uncommon. Let him get on a more secure footing and see how he is in say, two years. You were out of contact for 3 years so, you've done it before, you can do it again.
Also, I get that sex with him was a bit of an escape from all your stress. If you want a fuckbuddy for stress relief, post on Reddit or Tinder.
posted by foxjacket at 6:30 AM on June 17, 2023
Yeah, the timing just sucks. Put on your own seatbelt first, yada yada. If you wanna deepen your friendship, you can do that in a year or not at all. Best of luck in settling in to your new home and getting centered and solid in your new life.
posted by Bella Donna at 8:27 AM on June 17, 2023
posted by Bella Donna at 8:27 AM on June 17, 2023
I’ll share my take as a 40-something woman who has been on and off dating apps for the past six years or so, dating mostly 40-something men: men this age who are at the end of marriages and big relationships can be a hot mess and aren’t great dating partners if you’re looking for consistency and connection.
These are men who often don’t have friends and who may be used to using their wives/women partners as listeners and therapists. When that relationship ends, often unexpectedly, they are shook and can end up using their women friends and dating partners as replacement for the emotional intimacy. They can be emotional sponges.
I’d especially stay far away from dating or sleeping with men who express anger quickly when talking about their exes.
But it seems like there is a gift here: you know realize that you’d like some physical and perhaps emotional intimacy and connection. So I say it’s time to start being open to that, or looking for that, with men who want the same and are in a more stable emotional place.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:42 AM on June 17, 2023 [5 favorites]
These are men who often don’t have friends and who may be used to using their wives/women partners as listeners and therapists. When that relationship ends, often unexpectedly, they are shook and can end up using their women friends and dating partners as replacement for the emotional intimacy. They can be emotional sponges.
I’d especially stay far away from dating or sleeping with men who express anger quickly when talking about their exes.
But it seems like there is a gift here: you know realize that you’d like some physical and perhaps emotional intimacy and connection. So I say it’s time to start being open to that, or looking for that, with men who want the same and are in a more stable emotional place.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:42 AM on June 17, 2023 [5 favorites]
the way he wants to be supported is by asking for, and getting, pleasant sexual encounters with a woman-not-his-wife, which will shore up his ego and make him feel sexual and desirable again, with the idea in the back of his head that if the ex-wife only knew he'd still got it, she would feel like a fool.
this kind of "support" undeniably makes a lot of people fresh from a breakup feel much better about themselves. it is for you to decide whether this is the kind of support you wish to give. I assume you had a fine time yourself, but that is not always enough to compensate for this kind of context. it does not have to be exploitative to be supremely egotistical.
if he knew that you were worried about his emotional/psychological state and were thinking about him now in terms of non-sexual help and support, it might take the wind out of his sails to a degree that would make him turn a little nasty. ideally, you would simply ask him what you might do for him, ask if he would like to talk about it or be distracted or if he would like you to completely avoid the subject. but you can't do that without making him aware you are worrying, and worrying is close enough to pity for some people to find it unforgivable. not everyone is like this but if you are afraid of simply asking him because it might be intrusive, that is a warning.
having fun is great, but already apologizing for nothing isn't.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:24 PM on June 17, 2023
this kind of "support" undeniably makes a lot of people fresh from a breakup feel much better about themselves. it is for you to decide whether this is the kind of support you wish to give. I assume you had a fine time yourself, but that is not always enough to compensate for this kind of context. it does not have to be exploitative to be supremely egotistical.
if he knew that you were worried about his emotional/psychological state and were thinking about him now in terms of non-sexual help and support, it might take the wind out of his sails to a degree that would make him turn a little nasty. ideally, you would simply ask him what you might do for him, ask if he would like to talk about it or be distracted or if he would like you to completely avoid the subject. but you can't do that without making him aware you are worrying, and worrying is close enough to pity for some people to find it unforgivable. not everyone is like this but if you are afraid of simply asking him because it might be intrusive, that is a warning.
having fun is great, but already apologizing for nothing isn't.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:24 PM on June 17, 2023
Response by poster: queenofbithynia what do you mean by “…already apologizing for nothing [isn’t great]”?
posted by violetk at 7:37 PM on June 17, 2023
posted by violetk at 7:37 PM on June 17, 2023
This thread is closed to new comments.
I'm not sure what you're asking. Are you asking whether you should continue to reach out to him although he has not returned your last message(s)? If that's the question, I'd say no, don't do that. That's almost never a good idea.
(The exception to this rule is for dear friends or family who you know are having a hard time, then you can reach back out to say things like "thinking of you, hope your thing went well" even when they don't respond.) I don't think the exception applies here.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:44 PM on June 16, 2023 [9 favorites]